We love the idea of others loving us, but we forget to love ourselves.
“Today I lost the respect of a couple people I care about, and the desire to hurt myself, when I finally told everyone the truth about who I really am and what I’ve decided to do with my life. In a nutshell, I’ve chosen to love and honor myself, instead of convincing others to do it for me every day.”
Those are lines right out of a live chat I had this morning with a longtime reader and course member of ours. Although this person asked to remain anonymous, they gave me permission to share this part of their story with you, and I’m so glad they did. Because one of the greatest struggles in life is the struggle to accept, embrace, and love ourselves with all of our imperfections. To be 100% honest about who we are, how we feel, and what we need. To stop discrediting ourselves for everything we aren’t, and start giving ourselves credit for everything we are.
What we must realize is that our greatest task is not about rediscovering self-love; it’s about breaking down the walls we have built against it. And when we find the courage to push through these walls — to know and embrace ourselves, despite our flaws — we also create pathways to connect in more caring, empathic, and intimate ways with others who are truly worth loving.
Which is why it’s time to…
1. Start telling yourself what you love about yourself.
In your own life it’s important to know how spectacular you are. You really have to look in the mirror and be kind, because what we see in the mirror is often what we see in the world. Our disappointment in others often reflects our disappointment in ourselves. Our acceptance of others often reflects our acceptance of ourselves. Our ability to see potential in others often reflects our ability to see potential in ourselves. Our patience with others often reflects our patience with ourselves. You get the idea — you’ve got to show yourself some love first and foremost.
2. Be one with what is.
Something that’s really difficult, but totally worth it, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the journey of becoming your true self. The most beautiful part of this journey is simply returning to the peaceful feeling of being right where you are. This peace is the result of retraining your mind to process life as it is, rather than as you think it should be.
3. Focus less on winning the approval of others.
Remind yourself that you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing. And you don’t have to get permission to do it differently either. Your time on this planet is precious. As the saying goes, “What you do today is important, because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.” Don’t wait around for someone else to give you permission to live your life.
4. Distance yourself from those who bring you down.
Being in no relationship is better than being in a wrong one. Don’t worry too much about folks who don’t worry about you. Know your worth! When you give yourself to those who disrespect you, you lose. Your friends in life should motivate, inspire, and respect you. Your circle should be well rounded and supportive. Keep it tight. Quality over quantity, always!
5. Forgive your past self.
Self-forgiveness is just a matter of accepting that sometimes good people like you make bad choices. It doesn’t mean you’re bad; it means you’re human. So get bored with your past; it’s over. Forgive yourself for what you think you did or didn’t do, and focus more on what you will do starting now. And try not to take life too seriously either. If you take everything too seriously, you’ll wind up fearing every step you take. Loosen up and laugh it off when you can, especially when little things don’t go as planned. People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life. You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself and life’s little mishaps.
6. Start making the changes you know you need to make.
Just because something made you happy in the past doesn’t mean you have to keep it forever. If you want to see changes in your life today, you’ll have to do things that you’ve never done before. Different inputs often equate to different outputs. Move away from the things that drain you and toward the thoughts and activities that empower and fulfill you.
7. Show gratitude for who you are and what you have right now.
No, you won’t always get what you want. And no, you won’t always be exactly where you want to be. But remember this: There are lots of people who will never have what you have right now. So use pain, frustration, and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in detail in the Happiness chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
8. Do something every day that makes you happy.
There’s a big difference between empty fatigue and gratifying exhaustion. Life is too short. Invest in the activities you deeply care about. A good life is about making a good decision every day to do something that moves you — caring for yourself by doing things you care about. It’s a matter of realizing that there’s nothing selfish about self-care. Because we can’t give what we don’t have. You have to experience some of life on your terms before you can be life-giving to others.
9. Give yourself a fair chance to explore new ideas and opportunities.
When you take action on something new, uncertainty will chase you out into the open where opportunity awaits. And remember that to learn and grow you must fail sometimes. So don’t let the fear of making the wrong decision prevent you from making any decision at all. Don’t let not knowing how it’ll end keep you from beginning.
10. Listen to your intuition and be honest with yourself about everything.
You can’t speak with integrity about a lifestyle you are not living. The world doesn’t need more dazzling storytellers, it needs more genuine ones. Listen to that inner voice. Confidence comes from knowing that what you’re doing is right, and that what you’re doing is right for YOU. The key is to identify what you want, identify it as part of who you are, and believe that you are worthy of achieving it. (Read “Awaken the Giant Within”.)
11. Pay close attention to your life as you’re living it.
One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself (and your loved ones), is to be present every chance you get. Your life is not between the moments of your birth and death; your life is between now and your next breath. Distractions are in the palms of our hands these days, but we need to remember to look up more often. Far too much is lost when we don’t. So focus on writing your story, instead of reading, watching, and hearing about everyone else’s on Instagram.
12. Go out of your way to be loving and kind to others too.
Almost everything comes full circle. People who love themselves often come across as very caring, generous, and kind to others too — they express their self-confidence through humility, forgiveness, and inclusiveness. So seek to understand others before you attempt to judge. Be loving and kind… Right now, right here, in your own life, in whatever way you can. Just be loving and kind. There’s so much going on that we can’t solve — so many people we can’t help. But your love and kindness can make a significant difference, in your own life above all, and in the lives you touch. (And try to be thankful for rude and difficult people too; they serve as great reminders of how not to be.)
Now it’s your turn…
The bottom line is: People will come and go. Events will come and go. Day and night will come and go. But a love for yourself will always remain with you, if you nurture it.
So put these on your TO-DO list today, and tie them to the points above:
- Spend time doing things that help you love yourself more.
- Spend time thinking about things that help you love yourself more.
- Spend time with people who help you love yourself more.
And before you go, please leave Angel and me a reply below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
What did you think of the points above? Which one resonated the most?
Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Donna Delaney says
At 60 years old I feel as if I am finally finding my authentic self. So many past experiences and having a good memory it is hard to keep from going back and reliving them all, good and bad. The hardest thing for me is to stay in the present and take each day as it comes. I try not to worry about the future or have regrets about the past.
I’m still a work in progress learning and growing, not allowing others to define me or caring what they think. I just keep plugging ahead. I live more optimistic and trust my gut.
I thoroughly enjoy and look forward to your articles daily. Thankful for my journey each and every day.
CARYN GREEN says
Donna Delaney,
Great Comment. I am 64. I try to be like you every day. I have alot of health problems, physical & emotional. I have had some of these problems for years. It makes life harder. Some days are almost unbearable. But, I am more empathetic and understanding of of other people. My religion keeps me going. Everyone is going through something so it is so Important to try to be nice and make people smile. That helps me.
Your article was very good.
Bless you, Caryn Green
Gwen says
I struggle with all the points you made. After having my daughter and getting married, all my love went to them, I forgot myself, I forgot how to be me, how to love myself.
Five years later, I have no idea what makes me happy, what I like to do, or what I enjoy.
Today I am making a promise to myself, to start afresh, to take a step by step into rediscovering myself.
I have been hard on myself, I have not forgiven myself for my failures, I have been stressed about how my life is turning out. I have forgotten to congratulate myself for my small wins. I want to live a fulfilling life, a happy life and enjoy being me.
Thank you for this article. I am starting my life today because of these words.
Jayla says
Beautiful and important message. As a Mom and former School Counselor I was touched by this article. Once we learn how to appreciate and love ourselves (flaws and all) our world and relationships will change for the better. Thank you for sharing this post (and this whole blog and its emails).
Rebecca DiCorte says
I lost my husband and I’ve been trying to find myself again and create a new normal for me by myself now. I’ve held on for 4 and half years and I want to let go now. Not let go of him but of hanging onto the past. The self loving ideas are exactly what I need. Keep them coming.
Brittany says
A quote I picked up from your 1,000 Little Things book awhile back: “You are a victim of the beliefs you live by.”
So profound, and so true. I have it pinned to my bathroom mirror and I read it every morning.
My self-limiting beliefs are something I used to desperately struggle with, but not so much anymore. Thank you for guiding me these past couple years. I am caring for myself much more often these days
Ramji Yadav says
Most respectfully, if it’s not so much anymore, then now it’s time to remove the line from your bathroom mirror. And put some self appreciating line there.
JJ says
Your point “Focus on writing your story, instead of reading, watching and hearing about everyone else’s” really resonates with me. I’ve been doing this for a little more over a year now and it really is a great way for me to ground myself and focus on who I am and my being instead of being caught up comparing myself with others. Other self loving practices I do is not being afraid to seek and ask for help when needed, and being picky with who I share my heart, energy and time with.
Christian says
Thank you Marc (and Angel). As much as I know all of these things, I think I need to print this out and post it over my home desk here where I can see it every day!
What helps me love myself more:
1. Spending time doing things I love.
2. Spending time with great people.
3. Reading blogs, books, and email newsletters like yours to keep me inspired and mindful.
Daphne McKinley says
I am an older woman who is exhausted by all my life challenges and choices. I am just now starting the road to loving myself. I am on the brink of trying to love myself. I am just so exhausted! I have made myself stop talking bad about myself everyday. That voice in your head that tell yourself..” you are dumb, not smart, not worthwhile, etc. TRYING!
Dev says
Spot on post today! I also do a loving kindness practice, which begins with loving oneself and gradually extends to loving those close to you, those you feel neutral about, and finally even those who annoy and irritate you or who you may see as an enemy.
I find loving oneself makes it so much easier to love others too and that’s a positive way to change the world.
Samantha Maria says
I found your blog quite a while ago when I was reeling from a divorce and loss of business. You truly started me on a path on self discovery that continues today. Many years of meditation, study, introspection have made my life more palatable, but I still can struggle mightily with doubt. I rediscovered your blog this morning after having thought I outgrew you. I did not. Thank you for a clear reminder of how to live a full, loving, present life.
thankful reader says
Forgiving your past self is the hardest crap I have ever done in my entire life. I lived everyday being afraid of what people think about me, been afraid of being judged by my own friends and family.. It’s hard to recover from the trauma of your past, but when you learn not to give a damn about anything than yourself, then you’ll be able to forgive yourself, from all the sins or mistakes you made… Thank you for this wonderful blog. <3
Ramji Yadav says
Though, you have written this essay suggesting us to love ourselves, yet, point # 12: “Go out of your way to be loving and kind to others too.” resonates with my heart most today. Yes, it’s very true that “Almost everything comes full circle.” Because, loving others is the same as loving ourselves only in the sense that we are the children of God and we are ONE, The Supreme Soul, The Brahma. Thanks M&A for thinking about our well being.
Sarah says
Life is only ever how you perceive it to be. Well said.
David says
Your essay is great as always.
Although I haven’t always done so, I’ve been taught to put myself last, and I try to lived along that line as much as possible. The essay has helped me to see that loving myself and being sacrificial doesn’t put things in a conflicting context. By putting others before myself, I do receive a certain amount of satisfaction and confidence in myself, because I know that I’m doing the right thing. I know what’s required of me, and I do it out of love for others. I believe that #12. Applies the most to me right now.
“Go out of your way to be loving and kind to others too… People who love themselves… — they express their self-confidence through humility, forgiveness, and inclusiveness. So seek to understand others before you attempt to judge. Be loving and kind… Right now, right here, in your own life, in whatever way you can… There’s so much going on that we can’t solve — so many people we can’t help. But your love and kindness can make a significant difference, in your own life above all, and in the lives you touch. (And try to be thankful for rude and difficult people too; they serve as great reminders of how not to be.)” Ha! Inspiring. Hugs.
Patricia Ann Cole says
Dear Mark and Angel,
Thank you for your amazing posts! I read them everyday. Your perspectives help me to see life from another angle, and help me to be a better version of myself. And, I share your messages with loved ones who also benefit from your wisdom and perspectives. I am one of your greatest fans! Thank you for your light, wisdom and strength of character. I wish you both a beautiful day. Shine on!