Sometimes we feel betrayed by others.
Sometimes we feel betrayed by our circumstances.
Sometimes we feel betrayed by life itself.
In any case, we are faced with the reality that things aren’t always what they seem, and we don’t always get what we expect.
So what can we do?
Accept the reality, and then do our best to make the most of it.
The truth is, we were promised trials and tribulations right from the beginning. They were always part of the program. Growing up we were told, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” And to a certain degree we’ve already realized and accepted it. The relationships, jobs, and projects that didn’t work out led us closer to the ones that did. The things we’ve lost too soon opened our minds to understandings and opportunities we never fathomed beforehand. So while we’ve rarely gotten exactly what we wanted, we have often received more than we bargained for.
Of course, in the heat of the moment, when incredibly disappointing things are happening to YOU, and the outcomes you’re dealing with are REAL, embracing reality and making the best of it is not easy…
You feel betrayed.
You feel victimized.
You feel crushed.
Which is why, first and foremost, it’s important to…
Learn to Be Mindful of Your Expectations
Imagine you had a ripe, juicy apple sitting on a table in front of you. You pick it up eagerly, take a nibble, and begin to taste it.
You already know how an apple should taste, and so when this one is a bit more tart than you expected, you make a face, feel a sense of disappointment and swallow it, feeling cheated out of a good experience.
Or perhaps the apple tastes EXACTLY as you expected — nothing special at all. So you swallow without even pausing to enjoy its flavor, and you move on with your day.
In the first scenario, the apple let you down because it didn’t meet your expectations. In the second, it was too plain and unexciting because it met your expectations.
Do you see the irony here?
It’s either not good, or not good enough.
This is how many of us live our lives… unhappily.
It’s why many of us feel betrayed, victimized, and crushed far too often.
Now imagine you try this instead: eliminate your expectations of how the apple “should” taste. You don’t know, and you don’t pretend to know, because you haven’t tried it yet. Instead, you’re genuinely curious, impartial and open to a variety of flavors.
You taste it, and you truly pay attention. You notice the juiciness, the grainy texture of the skin, the simultaneously sweet, tangy and tart flavors swirling around your tongue, and all the other complex sensations that arise in your awareness as you chew. You didn’t know how it would taste, but now you realize it’s different than the rest, and it’s remarkable in it’s own way. It’s a totally new experience — a worthwhile experience — because you’ve never tasted THIS apple before.
Mindfulness practitioners often refer to this as “beginner’s mind,” but really it’s just the outcome of a mindset free of needless and stressful expectations.
The apple, of course, can be substituted for anything in your life: any event, any circumstance, any relationship, any person, any thought at all that enters your mind, anytime and anyplace. If you approach any of these with expectations of “how it should be,” they will surely disappoint you in some way… or be too plain and unexciting to remember.
And you’ll just move on to the next disappointment or unexciting experience, and the next, and the next, and so on and so forth, until you’ve lived your entire life stuck in an endless cycle of things you barely like or barely even notice…
Until you kinda feel betrayed by everything and everyone you’ve ever known.
But if you approach each event, circumstance, relationship, etc. without expectations — and just see that event, circumstance, relationship, etc. at face value — then you will truly see it. You will truly experience it like you’ve never experienced anything before, because you haven’t. And you will be able to respond more mindfully to whatever happens next.
But (and there’s always a “but”)…
Now that we’ve cleared the air a bit and established some healthy breathing room, let’s get real about something else:
At some point, even when you’ve done your part to be mindful of your expectations, someone you trust or respect will deliberately hurt you. They will betray you in some way by placing their own self-centered agenda ahead of your feelings. And they will do it remorselessly, without an apology.
When you’re faced with this reality and struggling to cope, let me prompt you with some essential reminders that Marc and I often review with our clients and live event attendees when they’re dealing with similar circumstances:
1. The person who betrayed you is likely broken in more ways than you realize.
When people cheat in any arena, they diminish themselves — they directly threaten their own self-esteem and their relationships with others by undermining the trust they have in their ability to succeed and in their ability to be true. In many ways, they are deeply broken. This, of course, does NOT excuse their behavior. Boundaries need to be established.
2. The truth hurts, but it’s much healthier than holding on to the lies you once believed.
The really scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us in the long run than exposed lies. Undiscovered lies erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation to the bitter end. Keep this in mind. The truth heals, even if it hurts at first.
3. Arguing with someone who has intentionally hurt you only enflames the pain.
Truth be told, you are often most powerful and influential in an argument regarding betrayal when you are most silent at first. Just listening. The perpetrator never expects your silence. They expect yelling, drama, defensiveness, offensiveness, and lots of back and forth. They expect to leap into the ring and fight. They are ready to defend themselves with sly remarks cocked and loaded. But your mindful silence? That can really disarm them. That can really give you the space you need to make decisions and move forward, one way or another, with or without them.
4. It’s always best to wish people well, even if they don’t deserve it.
As Gandhi so profoundly said, “An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.” If you spend your time and energy hoping someone will suffer the consequences for breaking your heart, then you’re allowing them to hurt you a second time in your mind.
5. Healing gets easier when you learn to accept an apology you never received.
Forgiveness is crucial for your healing. The key is to be mindful and grateful, despite what happened. It’s taking a step back and saying, “Thank you for the lesson.” When you forgive someone you are making a promise not to hold the unchangeable past against your present self. It has nothing to do with freeing the perpetrator of his or her crime, and everything to do with freeing yourself of the burden of being an eternal victim. (Note: Marc and I discuss this further in the Self-Love chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
6. The person who hurt you doesn’t speak for the rest of us.
Every one of us suffers from at least one heart wrenching betrayal in our lifetime. In a backwards way, it’s what unites us. When it happens to you, the key is not to let one person’s despicable actions destroy your trust in everyone else. Don’t let them take that from you.
7. A wonderful, life-changing gift may not be wrapped as you expect.
When you don’t get what you want, sometimes it’s necessary preparation, and other times it’s necessary protection. But the time is never wasted — it’s a step on your journey. Someday you’re going look back on this time in your life as an important time of grieving and growing. You will see that you were in mourning and your heart was breaking, but your life was changing, and you were changing with it.
Your turn…
In what ways have you struggled with feeling betrayed or just really disappointed by certain outcomes in your life?
How have you coped?
Please leave a comment below and share your insights with us.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
J says
I’ve really never thought of betrayal in this light. This describes my relationship with my spouse perfectly. He’s a good man. He would never be an adulterer. However, his priorities have taken him away from me physically and emotionally. He lives and works 500 miles away and I see him seldom. I feel betrayed. Cheated out of a partnership, an emotional connection, and a fulfilled life with my spouse…
Marie-Claire says
Work. On something. Just work too. Worked for me.
Garima says
Yesterday i saw truth for what it really was… And felt so stupid that i could not see the lies earlier! Your blog popped into my mailbox today, by god’s grace to remind me that i am better off accepting the truth no matter how hurtful it is! Thanks for the reminder on forgiveness and accepting an apology that will never come! I firmly believe this will help me grow and above all, this too shall pass! Gratitude to you for bringing me this message from a loving universe!
Nicole says
There are some things in this world you rely on, like a sure bet. And when that “sure bet” lets you down, it shakes your faith with feelings of betrayal and deep disappointment.
And yet it’s not the end. It’s just the beginning of a new chapter.. a chapter that eventually includes new smiles. I’ve learned this the hard way in my 48 years.
Thank you Marc and Angel. The strategies and understandings I’ve found through your emails and coaching over the years have been priceless tools for healing and growing through thick and thin.
Joanna L says
I’m paraphrasing your words here, but I often reflect on a quote from your 1,000 Things book that went something like:
“Those are the toughest times — when you feel a sense of loss, even though you never really had what you thought you had in the first place. I guess that’s what betrayal is — just a feeling of loss for something or someone you didn’t have in the first place.”
This really hit home with me and gave me some needed perspective when I was going through a heartbreaking break-up in a long-term relationship filled with cheating and deception. And this post reinforces many of the lessons I learned the hard way from this experience and the healing time that followed. Thank you.
Marc Chernoff says
I’m honestly inspired to know you found such lasting value in that quote from our book. Thanks so much for supporting our work.
Vishal says
I found point #6 most powerful. Often, we assume that we were cheated on because the fault lies in us. It’s good to introspect whether we did something to push our partner onto that path, but it’s not necessary that we will find something to blame ourselves for.
However, we could easily spiral into the “Does everyone hate me?” feeling. Eventually, that self doubt becomes visible to others, and that leads to a whole series of unpleasant events.
We must remember that if someone cheats, it’s not a reflection of who we are. Yes, if we have committed some mistakes, we should rectify them. But what our partner does should not take its toll on our self esteem.
Thanks so much Marc and Angel.
Marc Chernoff says
EXCELLENT thoughts, Vishal. I couldn’t agree more.
Vincent says
Expectations get in the way on my relationships and my sanity more than I like to admit. And although I’ve been wronged and cheated on in more ways than one by other people, I’m finally learning to see that I’ve been the one cheating on myself the most.
I’m finally learning to accept things as they are, and make the best of it all as you’ve said. And your emails and weekly guidance is getting me there.
Rachael says
I liked what you wrote “The person who cheated on you is likely broken in more ways than you realize.” I have stopped/started your Getting Back to Happy program because it meant change. I wasn’t ready. My heart was but my brain wasn’t. Your comment can be not only for people that cheat but people that abuse. I grew up in a very abusive alcoholic household and was given every conceivable message physically and mentally to tear away someone’s identity that you can hand them. And I have floundered for a long time. Too uncomfortable in my skin to recognize what I had to offer…I started reading a book about Adult Children of Alcoholics and it has been a big game changer for me. I realize how damaged the very people I was supposed to trust were and I feel for them. I haven’t talked to them in a few years but I can at least let go of being resentful. Reading this book is not easy but when a person is ready to do the dark work, like I am it is Amazing. And, you are right it doesn’t excuse the persons behavior but your reasoning about the person being broken, puts the sadness and yes anger in a different perspective. And I hope people take your words to heart. So I am finishing the book and starting back to your program as I believe it will be a healthy step to just that…getting happy. I get to chose if I want to continue the breakage or start the repairing.
Marc Chernoff says
Small steps, Rachael. It sounds like your mind is in the right place. Please let us know who else we can assist you with the course, or with anything else.
Rhonda says
These words are so timely. I have an ex who wants to reunite and I am not willing to go down that road again for many reasons. I have forgiven him and myself. The best has yet to come.
Deborah says
Wow… This was such a good read this am. Your perspective reminds me that I am the strong one, I am on the right path despite the detour that this person caused.
I’m not alone in my story: betrayal by my now ex. Learning to cope with how a human can be so cruel without an ounce of remorse.
Today’s insight is one I should read everyday.
I’ve coped by my faith, my friends, remembering to be grateful and reading insights like yours to keep me planted. Not easy with a broken heart but it is what is and I will come out of this stronger.
And he will continue to be the same.
Thank you for today
Kyra says
I just recently experienced hurt from a long time friend. It reminded me of the grieving cycle. I was hurt, mad, defensive, calm, enlightened, etc. I went through several phases but what I never did was react. I never mentioned it to the person. So many times I’ve tried to “clear the air” with people only to end up making it worse. Silence really is golden. As I reflected on the situation, discussed with other trying to make sense of it all, I came to the realization that the relationship was flawed and on shaky ground before the final betrayal. It really opened my eyes to the fact that the relationship had changed but I never changed. In the end, I was truly grateful things happened as they did even though it was hurtful because it was necessary so that the relationship could switch gears.
Stan says
Number 6 hit me right between the eyes! I have been trying for years to get over all the things my ex-wife did. I will think I have finally succeeded, but then the fear of being betrayed comes back, and I find myself where I began. I know there are many good women out there, and I am only cheating myself out of having a great relationship with someone. I don’t know that I will ever trust to the point of marrying again, as my ex-wife used the legal bonds of marriage to try to destroy me debt after she destroyed me emotionally. I feel really sad that I have so far been unable to get past that fear. Once trust is lost, how do you ever rebuild it?
Corri says
Stan, I’m new to Marc and Angel and I’ve been reading this post and comments. I know exactly what you’re saying. My ex did the same to me 3 years ago and I’m afraid of ever finding someone I can trust. He tore me down.
Irena says
I’m deeply touched by article itself and by the comments nevertheless.
Article hit me by surprise. I wasn’t prepared to see the “betrayed” conception from that point of view: when you diminish your experiences by putting too much of expectation on it in the first place. By getting “just good or not so good” results, you rob yourself of life’s excitement, which you may feel otherwise. This is big. For that inner cheating point, is my huge “Thank you” to Angel and Marc!
In comments people shared the pain from being cheated by others. Been there and know how incredibly painful it is. And have a words of comfort & wisdom in the moment like that, is priceless.
Thank you again Angel & Marc.
Diane J. Malagreca says
I think we have all suffered from betrayal. I had someone who barely knew me turn on me like a rattlesnake. Well my husband and I removed ourselves from the toxic situation and while we miss the activity we all shared we do not miss the environment.
Actually, we keep in touch with some very decent friends we made and I understand that the “rattlesnake” is not trusted nor well liked. I hate to refer to her that way because I truly believe she has some issues and work to do. In fact, so do I but the friends we made are meeting up with us and she is not “their cup of tea” so to speak.
Often, you blame yourself entirely but it takes two adults to either make amends (she did try) but I could not trust her anymore. It’s OK I see it as God removing someone vexacious from our lives. I suppose there will be people who may prefer her and that’s fine. The acquaintance just didn’t work for me. I wish her well and I believe this was a learning experience for both of us.
Linda Lombardo says
This is all so insightful. Where you wrote “That the person who betrayed you is likely broken in more ways than you realize” Oh, this is really hitting me in my heart. I’ll sum this up: My cousin living in Florida, her stepdaughter died of Covid in the beginning of it all. My cousin was devastated, and yes it was horrible for her to witness her daughter dying. It really did something to my cousin emotionally. So, this is when my 72 year old cousin started to become obsessed with my 34 year old daughter. I mean seriously, she would plan to come up to New England and spend the entire day with my daughter. Now, this is what she has done for the past 4 years, I recently found this out. I feel She has placed my daughter in a terrible position, between Me and my daughter. And, My cousin wanted to keep it from me – another thing that seems very wrong to me. I feel my cousins pain, but keeping secrets from me, I don’t like that. It feels wrong. And, asking my daughter not to tell me. All this is very troubling and it has placed a strain on my once friendly relationship with my cousin.
David says
Oh my: betrayal. Betrayal started with me when I was very young. I was about 4 or 5 years old and someone came over a little older than I was, and we went to the railroad tracks nearby. He asked me to run through the bush, but first to take my shoes off. He knew there was broken glass in there. I cut my foot wide open, fell on my face in the glass that cut below my eyebrow, just missing my eye cut my lip etc.
I woke up in the hospital, the nurse talking to my mother and saying that I’d had a blood transfusion. From there it became a pretty regular thing, to the point that I though I was very gullible in trusting people. To make it all as simple as possible, I encountered the same betrayal with some Christian people also. Of course, it’s never been life-threatening or anything like Jesus and the early disciples had to go through which cost them their lives. Mostly just material things.
I’ve learned to forgive because some people just don’t know what they’re doing, as Jesus mentioned at his crucifixion.
We’ve all made our share of mistake, for which we’ll have to give an account when we get to heaven. And that’s why there’ll be some crying and sorrow and tears. But Jesus will wipe them all away, because He knows that such is life.
As for myself, I pray that I’ll not be the cause of any contention, and I’m ready to apologize in case I make a mistake in that regard. Life can be beautiful when we stick to loving-kindness and as you mentioned; “… if you approach each event, circumstance, relationship, etc. without expectations — and just see that event, circumstance, relationship, etc. at face value — then you will truly see it. You will truly experience it like you’ve never experienced anything before, because you haven’t. And you will be able to respond more mindfully to whatever happens next.” Well said. Hugs.
Arby says
Betrayed by serial-cheating emotional game-playing spouse, a neighbor I thought was a friend, yelled at by narcissitic father bc I was leaving spouse & the loss of social circle (which was his family), a lot of friends couldn’t figure out why I had PTSD for years bc this happened all within 1 month.
It still pops up every now & then but I keep forgiving each time it does. You have to forgive yourself also….you don’t see the signs bc you’d never do this yourself & that is the reality you’re working from. It made me angry when people would ask me why I didn’t recognize the signs. 1st, I’d never been in that situation before. 2nd, I could never do that to someone else, it wasn’t in my character! YOUR integrity is NOT the same as the cheater. Even for revenge I wouldn’t hurt someone I loved like that.
I read many self help books, went to therapy etc bc I realized having a narcissistic father helped me make bad decisions in relatioships. I didn’t want to go through it again so I worked on myself.
Fast forward to now, my best friend & my love, who sees me with all my faults, are celebrating our 25th anniversary this year.
Not everyone is like whoever betrayed you. Your trust will not happen easily…trust in another peron or trusting yourself. But do the hard work, get the help & keep moving forward. It’s woth it & YOU ARE worth it!!!