Never assume that you’re stuck with the way things are. Life changes, and so can you.
Maybe it’s the life lessons I was forced to learn the hard way, or the toll of loss and failure I had recently endured, but fifteen years ago in the midst of a panic attack on my 29th birthday, I had to admit to myself right then and there that the youthful world of possibility I once felt now seemed dead inside me. I wanted to feel light and free and ambitious and passionate again, but I didn’t know how. Luckily my grandmother, who was always a true lifesaver, gave me some good advice. She told me that she could still see a positive energy inside of me, but that I needed to do some soul searching to reconnect myself to it.
As I attempted to follow my grandmother’s advice, I remembered that I used to have two quotes written on sticky notes hanging on my bedroom wall when I was a kid:
- “Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in your journey.”
- “Paths are made by walking, not waiting.”
So I wrote the two quotes down again, just as I remembered them, and posted them up on the wall over my nightstand. I woke up to those quotes every morning for a few years thereafter just to keep myself centered from the get-go each day. I also took small steps forward, one day at a time, until I knew I was finally moving down the right path again.
For anyone else who’s feeling stuck and without a strong sense of how to take the next step forward right now, I offer the following reminders. They’re actionable lessons that kept me moving forward even on the hardest days when I felt little passion for life. And although these strategies are based on my personal experiences, they’ve now also been vetted by their extensive use in hundreds of coaching sessions that Marc and I have administered with our course students, live event attendees, and coaching clients over the years. Perhaps they can bring some verve back into your days too…
1. A great deal of progress can be made from the inside out.
If the conditions are right, it’s easy to grow horizontally by acquiring more money, newer cars, bigger homes, etc. Vertical growth, on the other hand, is when you stay in the same place with the same things, but grow deeper and deeper into yourself. It’s when you can say, “Five years ago I would lose my temper about that, but now it doesn’t trigger me at all.” This kind of growth is more rare, but it’s truly the most powerful kind.
Sadly, many of us feel stuck, and we age much faster than we grow, because we focus exclusively on horizontal achievements. We spend so much of our lives going through the external motions of what society tells us maturity is — getting married, buying houses, working our way up the corporate ladder, etc. — that we fail to concentrate on our own inner growth. We never allocate enough time to being mindful.
Being mindful as a daily ritual is the ultimate challenge and practice. It’s a way of living, of being, of seeing, of tapping into the full power of your humanity.
Ready to get started?
It’s simple, but not always easy. Practice…
- Being aware of what’s happening in the present moment without wishing it were different
- Enjoying each pleasant experience without holding on when it changes (which it will)
- Being with each unpleasant experience without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t)
Ritualize this kind of mindfulness into your daily routines, and you will undoubtedly change the way you show up in your life. You will free yourself from the inside out. And you will gradually begin to feel yourself moving in a positive direction again.
2. Your self-talk can really make a difference.
Goals are important — all journeys of change often begin with some kind of goal. And you must also have determination in order to achieve your goals. However, what do you think happens when you’re obsessively determined and too hard on yourself about achieving a goal? You begin to nurture another belief: who you are right now is not good enough.
Years ago when I was struggling I had become overly obsessive in my efforts to meditate. As my interest in meditation grew, I began to increasingly say to myself, “I’m not good enough yet,” and, “I have to be better at this.” And there was a ripple effect to that thought process. I gradually began to notice lots of other imperfections I had that needed to be “fixed.”
My over-the-top efforts to meditate for extensive periods of time had opened the doors to lots of self-criticism, negative self-talk, and stress. Thankfully I caught myself and eventually realized that my obsession with “better” meditation had made me forget one of the core objectives of meditation — self-acceptance.
So the bottom line is this: you have to accept yourself as you are, speak positively of yourself, and then commit to personal growth. If you think you are absolutely “perfect” already, you won’t likely make any positive efforts to grow. But constantly criticizing yourself is just as counterproductive as doing nothing, because you will never be able to build positive changes into your life when you’re obsessively distracted by your “flaws.”
The key is to remind yourself that you already are good enough; you just need more practice. Change your inner self-talk from the standpoint of, “I have to be better,” to “I will do my absolute best today.” The second version is far more effective because it actually prompts you to take positive action every day while simultaneously accepting the reality that every effort may not be perfect.
3. The discomfort you feel can be a good sign.
In order to get something in life, we have to give something up to get it. In order to change a situation for the better, we have to take some action that’s not necessarily going to be easy or comfortable. But oftentimes we shy away from suffering through the necessary steps that must be taken because we’re afraid of the discomfort. It feels scary and uncomfortable to upset the status quo, even when it’s in service of something better.
So it really comes down to a simple question:
What do I want to change that’s worth suffering for?
If you can honestly and logically identify a goal or change that’s worth the discomfort for all the right reasons, then it’s a good sign. You can also rephrase the question to help you think through it. For example: What are you willing to sacrifice in the short-term and mid-term, to be happier in the long-term?
Of course, changes magnitude don’t come easily for any of us and I understand that. But once you start to have an honest conversation with yourself about what you want to change in your life, you’ll find it easier to direct your full energy toward overcoming your present obstacles. In any case, getting unstuck from an unhappy or unhealthy present situation is fundamentally about becoming comfortable with discomfort.
It’s about choosing to embrace discomfort, not because you want to make your life overly difficult, but because there are some things that are worth suffering for. It’s about suffering a little bit more in the moment, in order to suffer a lot less in the long run. It’s about giving certain things up right now to get more of what you truly want in life in the weeks and months ahead!
No doubt, if you want those six-pack abs again, you also have to want the hard workouts and the healthy meals. If you want the successful business again, you also have to want the long days, the stressful business deals and decisions, and the possibility of failing five times to learn what you need to know to succeed in the long run. If you want to reinvent your life and adapt well to a “new normal,” you simply have to give up certain ideals, comforts, routines, and so on, to get what you ultimately want.
And remember that giving things up isn’t just about making small, immediate sacrifices. It’s also about gradually gaining the resources you need to do something significant going forward. When you give something up, you automatically create an opening in your life for something else. By saying no to everything that’s not aligned with your priorities, you make room for what is. In other words, if you want to move forward with your life in the weeks and months ahead, you have to give up the things that conflict with your potential to make progress. You have to sacrifice something that you value less than whatever you ultimately want to achieve.
Your turn…
Before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
What did you think of the points above? Which one resonated the most?
Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Monica Rameree says
This is absolutely brilliant advice !
I have the same sentiment as J who commented first – your thoughtful articles seem to arrive in my inbox at the exact time I need to absorb these gems of wisdom + positivity the most. Thank you so much for what you do, so articulately. This is my favorite article so far. I will be sharing this with friends + family + referring to it often.
At the most difficult crossroad I’ve encountered in my life (points 1 and 2 are most resonant), you’re helping me find the will + strength to move forward with light + love + confidence.
Thank you !!! Keep up the meaningful work !
Audrey Blackmore says
I believe that learning to accept who you are and loving that YOU is a great start.
Ranoldo says
This post is great and I think it can be applicable to a lot of different areas of life. I am currently going back to school as a non traditional student and the stress of the situation can sometimes be overwhelming and make me feel stuck. The self-talk change that you mention is great. “I will do my absolute best today.” I find myself saying similar things to myself whenever I feel like everything is getting too much. I just tell myself to do the best that I can and the rest will fall in place. I think the information in this post is very helpful and useful for anyone struggling with stress from a variety of different life situations. Keep up the good writing.
Caro Laines says
This is so helpful for me, accountability, reflection, taking chances, feeling love and appreciation toward yourself….
I, like many, have struggled through my life, some may say I’m young, but the tests, trials, obstacles, set backs, I’ve faced in my life make me feel old… I felt broken, insecure, lost, abandoned, alone, scared, angry. Then I did some reflecting, focused on what I felt my accomplishments were, asked friends and family what they valued in me as a person. I saw that what I felt might be failures or weakness, to some saw them as strengths. I found help by seeing a counselor who helped me further change my perspective. She helped me get closure with issues I’d been carrying around for far too long. Now I feel reborn. Ready to explore my found energy and confidence. I’m ready to be the best, constantly improving person I can be for me, my family, my friends, and complete strangers! This information just confirmed that I’m on the correct path to do just that. Thank you!
Cathy says
There was so much in this piece. I think the first major thought was to accept that I have taken the road less traveled and some times that makes you feel lonely and not good enough. i know that in may ways the way that I think, feel and act is so different form others and being different in this world is truly hard. walking alone and being yourself is not easy and being divorced makes it especially lonely. What I loved in the article is the power in the One Tiny Step that we need to take to go FORWARD. I start each day with a list of 10 gratitudes. Not always easy to think up new ones, but it forces me to be mindful and its a positive beginning.
My other real challenge is in my inability to get in shape. Like the article states finding my discomfort is really a state of mind and I need always remind myself, how much do I really want to lose the weight? I’m comfortable where I am, I like who I am, and is the real reason I want to lose weight is because I think that someone will find me more appealing? It’s a tough questions for me, because I think that would be more attractive if I were thin, yet, the challenge at times seems useless at 66.
Personal battles that make us think, shape how we are and the need to move forward. Great piece with lots of think about.
Temara says
I wasn’t expecting tears to start falling from eyes while reading this blog. Especially #1.
But it made me realize soooo much about life in general Nd the resistance I have inside me. Really appreciate you guys! Thank You!
JJ says
I always say it, but your emails just seem to arrive in my gmail at the right time. The link to this post is one I’ve already bookmarked to re-read and reference. I feel like it’s a great highlight of some of the key concepts I’ve learned form you and grown to appreciate. The daily practice of number 1 is what I’ve found most valuable in recent times. Just taken my present circumstances for what they are–accepting them fully–so I can then make the very best of them.
Tasnima Rahman says
Thank you for this inspirational post! It’s exactly what I need right now. I have recently slipped into a dark place and feel like I am drowning in negativity and self-loathing. It has left me stagnated and I am struggling to motivate myself though there are specific things I want to achieve. Your post has given me some focus and reminded me that I can at least take baby steps, just as long as I keep moving forward, otherwise I will be submerged in the darkness. I need to push my way out of this slump. Every gulp of air helps. Thanks again for your post.
Tracy says
This article came at a time when I am in the middle of huge life change that was causing me much stress and anxiety….I had no idea where my life is going at 64 years old and no way to tell if anything will be ok…I can really relate to being stuck…I found great value in this article….I feel your articles always have great relevance, but this one really resonated with me today! Thank you!
David says
My second attempt at this.
All 3 points apply to my life somewhat, and so I’ll just go over them real quick.
1. I’ve been on the path of that vertical life for quite some time now and I do appreciate that, I’ve learned a lot from it.
2. Number two, how to little surprise for me. I do sometimes get them the feeling of inadequacy. But since I’ve labeled it as negativity, I now, take stands against it and not allow it to influence my life.
3. I’ve made quite a few changes to my life recently, the results being beneficial, and I’ve come to the conclusion that any discomfort, is worth the progress that it can manifest. Changes are good for us.
Hugs.
Ramji Yadav says
I love these lines “Being mindful as a daily ritual is the ultimate challenge and practice. It’s a way of living, of being, of seeing, of tapping into the full power of your humanity.”
So, if you want to change the hard situations of your life, you must first change yourself from inside. For that you must practice awareness everyday, everywhere and everytime. By awareness I mean watching our thoughts and applying consciousness to distinguish between essential and non-essential. Also, be watchful about your surroundings and take actions as told by your intuition and your deep inner self-talk. And we should be regular in practice which is the hardest thing to do.
I am highly thankful for the above lines of this essay from Ms. Angel.
Carol says
Thank you for your newsletter. This is so applicable to me right now. I’ve moved from my country, the UK, with my partner, back to NZ where he’s from. (I’ve lived here before for 24 years so I know what it’s like). I have left everything behind that formed my life in the UK for the past 10 years (as we’d gone back there to be near my family), my interests, my connection to my country, the deep history, closeness to Europe and travel, and I feel like I’ve moved into a deep black hole at the end of the Universe.
And it won’t get better. We won’t be moving back to the UK so my life is here from now on and all I see is how disconnected I am now. I do crafts and the shopping costs to send stuff here is ridiculous and hardly any international tutors come here for in-person classes – once every 10 years!
I’m finding it hard to see the point of pulling myself out of this hole that I’m in as my external circumstances are not going to change. I am only connected to everything I enjoy by the Internet. Not in person any more. And NZ really doesn’t stimulate me. I feel lost, alone and there’s a big hole in me now.