It’s tough to live a positive life around negative people.
Dealing with other people’s negativity can be quite a downer. I once had a coworker whose negative energy would wash over me on a daily basis. In our conversations, she would complain endlessly about everything — work tasks, family obligations, friendships, her weight, and anything else she could think of. She was also extremely cynical about others, often doubting their intentions and judging them harshly. Talking to her wasn’t a pleasant experience, to say the least.
The first time we had a meeting I felt completely drained. Even though we spoke for just 30 minutes, I barely had any energy left after our conversation. It felt as if someone had literally sucked the life out of me, and it took a couple hours for the effects to wear off. The same thing happened the next few times we met too. I quickly realized I needed to work out an action plan to deal with this kind of negativity. After all, she was not going to be the only negative person of this magnitude I was going to encounter in my life.
I gradually developed several key strategies for effectively dealing with other people’s negativity. They have worked wonders in my own life over the years, and now Marc and I use them to assist dozens of coaching clients and course students we interact with on a weekly basis. I’m hoping you find value in them too…
1. Set and enforce limits.
Negative people who wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions are hard to deal with. They want people to join their 24/7 pity party so they can feel better about themselves. And you may feel pressured to listen to their complaints simply because you don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a compassionate ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional drama.
You can avoid this drama by setting limits and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if a negative person were chain-smoking cigarettes, would you sit beside them all day inhaling their second-hand smoke? No, you wouldn’t — you’d distance yourself. So go ahead and give yourself some breathing room when you must.
If distancing yourself is impossible in the near-term, another great way to set limits is to ask a negative person how they intend to fix the problem they’re complaining about. Oftentimes they will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a more harmonious direction, at least temporarily.
2. Respond mindfully (don’t just react).
A reaction is a hot, thoughtless, in-the-moment eruption of emotion that’s usually driven by your ego (as human beings, we’re more likely to react when we’re disconnected from our logical mind). It might last just a split second before your intuition kicks in and offers some perspective, or it might take over to the point that you act on it. When you feel angry or flustered after dealing with a negative person, that’s a sign you’ve reacted rather than responded mindfully. Responding mindfully will leave you feeling like you handled things with integrity and poise.
Bottom line: when you encounter someone with a negative attitude, don’t respond by throwing insults back at them. Keep your dignity and don’t lower yourself to their level. True strength is being bold enough to walk away from the nonsense with your head held high.
3. Introduce lighter topics of discussion.
Some people’s negativity is triggered by specific yet seemingly harmless topics. For example, one of my friends turns into a very toxic self-victimizer whenever we talk about her job. No matter what I say, she’ll complain about everything related to her workplace, and when I try to interject with positive commentary, she just rolls right over them with more negativity. Obviously this becomes quite a conversation dampener.
If you find yourself in a similar conversational situation, and the person you’re talking with is stuck on a topic that’s bringing you down, realize their negative emotions may be too deeply rooted to address in a one-off conversation. Your best bet is to introduce a new topic to lighten the mood. Simple things like funny memories, mutual friendships, personal success stories, and other kinds of generally happier news make for light conversation. Try to keep it to areas the person feels positive about.
4. Focus on solutions, not problems.
Where and how you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you zero in on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you shift your focus toward actions that can improve your circumstances, you create a sense of self-efficacy that yields positive emotions and reduces stress.
The same exact principle applies when dealing with negative people — fixating on how stressful and difficult they are only intensifies your suffering by giving them power over you. Stop thinking about how troubling this person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling their behavior in a positive way. This makes you more effective by putting you in the driver’s seat, and it will greatly reduce the amount of stress you experience when you’re interacting with them.
5. Practice emotionally detaching from their opinions of you.
It all comes down to how you value yourself inside, and how you look at it all. Because you’re never as good as everyone says when you win, and you’re never as terrible as they tell you when you lose. The important thing is what you’ve learned, and what you’re doing with that knowledge. People who manage their lives effectively are generally those who work internally — those who know that success and well-being comes from within (internal locus of control). Negative people generally work externally — those who blame others or outside events for everything that does or doesn’t happen (external locus of control).
The bottom line is that when your entire sense of satisfaction and self-worth are derived from the opinions of others, you are no longer in control of your own happiness. Know this! When emotionally strong people feel good about something they’ve done, they don’t let anyone’s shallow opinions or spiteful remarks take that away from them. Thus, maintaining a level of emotional detachment is vital for keeping stress at a distance. Not allowing negative people (or anyone for that matter) to put the weight of their inadequacies on your back is vital to your emotional health and happiness.
6. Let go of trying to change their negative tendencies.
Some people can be helped by you setting a good example, others not so much. Recognize the difference and it’ll allow you to maintain your equilibrium. Don’t be taken in by the energy vampires, manipulators and emotional blackmailers by desperately trying to control what is out of your control — other people’s behavior. With that said, if there’s a specific behavior someone you love has that you’re hoping changes over time, it probably won’t. If you really need them to change for some substantial reason, be honest and put all the cards on the table so this person knows how you feel and why.
For the most part though, you can’t change people and you shouldn’t try. Either you accept who they are or you choose to live without them. It might sound a bit harsh, but it’s really not. When you try to change people, they often resist and remain the same. But when you don’t try to change them — when you support them and allow them the autonomy to be as they are — the ones who are worthy will gradually change in the most miraculous way. Because what really changes is the way you see them.
7. Dedicate extra time to self-care.
You do not have to neglect yourself just because others do. Seriously, if you’re forced to live or work with a negative person, then make sure you get enough alone time to rest and recuperate. Having to play the role of a focused, rational adult in the face of persistent negativity can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful the negativity can consume you.
Negative people can keep you up at night as you constantly question yourself:
- “Am I doing the right thing?”
- “Am I really so terrible that they speak to me like that?”
- “I can’t BELIEVE he did that!”
Thoughts like these can keep you agonizing for weeks, months, or even years. Sadly, sometimes that’s the goal of a negative person — to drive you crazy and bring you down to their level of thinking, so they’re not wallowing alone. And since you can’t control what they do, it’s important to take care of yourself so you can remain centered, feeling healthy and ready to live positively in the face of their negativity when you must. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
Afterthoughts
Let’s end this short post on other people’s negativity by flipping the script. Although it can be hard to admit, sometimes the negative person is YOU. Sometimes it’s your own negativity that hurts you more than anything else. So be mindful of your inner voice. Make the unconscious conscious, and don’t let negative self-talk weaken you. Remember, the goal is to gradually grow stronger on the inside, so that almost nothing on the outside can affect your inner wellness without your conscious permission.
If you suddenly realize that your inner critic is trying it’s hardest to get the best of you, try to be more mindful and challenge some of your negative self-talk. See how doing that changes your mood. You really don’t need those negative thoughts. All they have ever given you is a false self that suffers for no reason.
Now it’s your turn…
I challenge you to put the reminders above to good use — to start dealing with other people’s negativity in the most positive and effective way possible, for your own well-being.
But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this post. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Do you have a personal story you’d like to share about dealing with negative people? What helps you stay positive when negativity surrounds you?
(Finally, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.)
Heather says
Thank you so much. Your posts and emails are so helpful. I really needed this one. It’s so hard when the negative person in your life is your spouse and you feel like you’re always trying to help them see the positive side of things, and it never helps. In the end, I’m the one that ends up feeling more upset because I allow the negativity to bring me down. I need to focus more on how I handle his negativity that’s out of my control, and less on trying to to help him overcome it. I have to realize that’s not my job. It’s his job. My job is my own well-being. Thank you again.
Vanessa Hicks says
Hi Heather
Thank you for your post. Which identifies my situation exactly. Dealing with a negative partner. The situation of attempting to remain positive, is very difficult when the person in which you live with is on a constant negative high. It’s very frustrating when your desires and efforts to maintain a positive stance is constantly interfered with by a aggressively negative person. For me it’s a very painfully irritating experience that leave me constantly feeling like running away to avoid and find peace.
Hopefully, I will find the answers before I am overly consumed and began to react in unfitting ways just to force someone to let me be at peace.
Audrey Blackmore says
Very true and keep at it.
Dee says
Great read! I have found that this positive way of living applies to both friendships and intimate relationships. I’d rather have less relationships than have endless negativity in my life, like I used to have.
Also, your final point about taming your own negativity is important too. I’ve made lots of progress in this area as well.
Thank you as always.
Claire says
Thank you so much for this, Angel (and Marc). I’ve recently been trying to create more positivity in my life, and I’m really pleased with how it’s working out, but as a result, I’ve been more aware of the negative people in my life. I was really struggling with how to deal with them. You can have all your positivity work undone by someone who just wants to moan and wallow non-stop at you without finding a solution! I love the idea of thinking of it like cigarette smoke – you wouldn’t sit around without doing anything while they blew smoke in your face, so why do we put up with the negative vibes they give off?! I like the reminder of finding a solution as well – focusing on the positive ways to deal with it puts you back in control (and means you can keep your positive mindset!) Thank you! Once again you have made reassured me that I’m not alone, and given me some positive steps to take 🙂 Really helpful post!
Maggie says
Great tips on protecting yourself when dealing with negative people – thank you. I’ve actually tried versions of them out when talking to an old friend who for the last two years has chosen to view life negatively. Previously, I came away from conversations with this person feeling drained and exhausted. I now realise where I went wrong!! What worked for me was this:
1.Before our arriving for our last meeting I had already set myself a time boundary of how much time I would allow her to talk the same of negative talk. Knowing I had plan B (early escape excuse ) in place helped..
2. I completely let go of trying to fix her problems! She would always have an excuse of why a suggestion wouldn’t work so now I don’t even try to suggest solutions – I just listen.
3. For every negative statement she made, I responded with a positive one where a response was expected.
4.Interestingly, she got bored with listening to my positivity and tried to change the conversation to me by reminding me of very personal painful memories I’ve had to deal with over recent years, and tried to illicit negative reactions from me – there were none. I remained gracious throughout and refused to be drawn in..
At the end of the conversation I was surprised to see how just being aware of her behaviour pattern, and reacting with a positivity, meant her toxicity had no affect on me. Result!!
I don’t wish to remove myself from this person life as she has been a good friend in past years but knowing how to set boundaries will enable me to listen and support her without joining the self-pity party routine until she finds a way back to her old positive self.
Martha B. says
Love this post. I became ultra sensitized to negative energy when I was recovering from breast cancer treatment six years ago. It was also during this period that I discovered that ego was the main source of negative energy output, both in myself and others. That realization helped me to a) not react in a way that fed the drama mongering; b) see beyond the negativity to the suffering that lay behind it; c) ask the person what action they planned to take, and advise them to let go of the rest. But it took time to get to this point. In the early stages, I think I came across as uncaring, since I would often ask the person “How important is this anyway?” It takes practice, but each opportunity shows us how we can respond more effectively the next time. And life will always give us plenty of opportunities to practice! 😉
Annie says
Recently I found myself in a difficult situation with someone …I had genuinely apologised for my part in what happened between us, which she couldn’t accept, despite calling herself ‘kind and spiritual’ , and continued to blame me for her behaviour.
She avoided any admittance of guilt on her part – how she had been towards me which had started the whole fiasco.
i gave up expecting her to admit her part, she wrung out every last thing she could think of, whilst not examining her own behaviour, and finally she was happy.
I’d had to compromise to ameliorate the situation, which then got resolved for her, but I’m left feeling resentful…..I wish I hadn’t turned myself inside out in order to make someone else happy at my expense, it’s so hard not to do if you’re trying to make peace, for me anyway.
Thank you for your wonderful posts, they always arrive at the right time !
HB says
This advice is excellent. I work with one other person who is constantly negative about the person who employs us. It is so difficult not to get drawn in. Sometimes it’s the only person I see for a couple of days since I live alone while makes it all the worse when the only interaction for a couple of days is negative!. Really useful article and will try some of these. I try to let it all wash over now but sometimes it’s hard! Must be a tough cookie I’m still there!
Ramji Yadav says
Yes, it’s very true to live a positive life around negative people is very tough, but anyhow, we have to protect our energy and self esteem from them. The methods suggested by Ms. Angel to keep negative people at bay are really a lifeline for us. As she suggested: by setting firm boundaries, practicing emotional detachment, and limiting your time around them, changing the topic etc. are some of the points we should apply in our day to day living. At the same time, remember their negativity comes from their own struggles. So we should be kind and compassionate enough to give them our positive and powerful vibrations from our higher consciousness level. So, we can shift the focus by asking action-based questions instead of arguing with pessimism and direct the talk toward practical solutions rather than complaints. Therefore, the key is, if we are mindful enough, then we can handle the situations well. Thanks Ms. Angel to shield us from negative people.
Diane says
Thank you for your guidance and wisdom.
I personally discovered to not engage the complainer. My standard response is “Oh” with nothing else on it.. no question mark, no pity, no sadness. I have found that such engagements can easily tun into the “if you think that is bad….” or “can you top this?”.
Neutrality is the key for me.
Dee says
This was all well and good and I did that for awhile with some friends, but I’ve moved to a new location and to a more positive life. I decided to block them and pray for them from a distance. It has given me so much more peace and better health. Thank you.
Sheila Ryan says
This is my plan of action as well – thank you for validating me. Moving is really hard but even 45 minutes of distance will really help me put distance w/ several negative complainers! 🙂
David says
This is a very nice presentation about negativity, and how it affects people. It’s very sad to see people in a permanent state of negativity and how it affects others that are around them. It can get a little uncanny, how they can even direct it at certain people at times. Anger definitely has a hand in that and I’m amazed at how some people can take that day after day. I guess the following has to do with it.
“Where and how you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you zero in on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you shift your focus toward actions that can improve your circumstances, you create a sense of self-efficacy that yields positive emotions and reduces stress.” That is a certainty.
Your afterthought is quite appropriate also.
“Sometimes it’s your own negativity that hurts you more than anything else. So be mindful of your inner voice. Make the unconscious conscious, and don’t let negative self-talk weaken you. Remember, the goal is to gradually grow stronger on the inside, so that almost nothing on the outside can affect your inner wellness without your conscious permission.”
That statement is for me today. Sometimes a word of encouragement from someone helps turns the tide. Fear has torment, and sometimes it’s a simple matter of not knowing which way to turn that causes it. At times like that, stress can build up pretty quickly.
Thanks again. Hugs