It’s not what you say to everyone else that determines your life; it’s what you whisper to yourself that has the greatest power.
If you feel self-conscious and unsure of yourself sometimes, I know exactly how you feel. I used to be incredibly unsure of myself… and sometimes I still am.
But it’s not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, anxiety, an inability to join in, and feeling “different,” they’re really not all bad. Those inner battles have been my angels at times. Without them I would never have disappeared into literature, language, the mind, passionate work, and all the wild intensities that made and unmade me, and shaped me into the person I am today.
But a harsh truth remains: The enemies we encounter in life, especially our own inner demons, use the things we’re insecure about against us.
Which means we can’t hide forever. We have to emerge. We have to grow through our insecurities.
At some point we have to free ourselves and take our power back by being secure in who we are — flaws and all.
This isn’t easy of course — it’s a journey. And as you embark, here are some essential things to keep in mind:
- The story you tell yourself is the story you live by. – Everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Every day. All the time. And that story makes you what you are — it lays the foundation for every action you take or don’t take. You build yourself out of that story.
- Every belittling, insecure thought is unreliable and changeable. – Once you become self-conscious, there is no end to it if you don’t address it. Once you start to doubt yourself, there’s no room for anything else until you make a change. You’re going to have to let truth shout louder to your soul than the self-defeating lies that have infected you.
- A moment of truth can be freeing. – Instead of smiling to be polite, just cry when you need to. Instead of laughing when you are nervous or uncomfortable, just speak your truth. Instead of acting like everything is all right, admit when it isn’t — talk about your feelings! Honor yourself. Honor your truth. Be real.
- A little self-focus and self-care goes a long way. – Whenever you’re self-conscious you are really just exhibiting that you’re not fully conscious of who YOU are at the moment. You don’t feel comfortable just being yourself for whatever reason. If you did, then there would be no problem. You wouldn’t be seeking validation from others. Thus, when you are self-conscious you are actually lacking something from yourself. Your very self-consciousness indicates that you have not given yourself enough care.
- The biggest critic lives in your perception of people’s perception of you (read that again). – One of the greatest journeys in life is overcoming insecure thoughts and learning to truly not care so much about other people’s opinions. In fact, you will never make a great impression on others until you stop thinking so much about what sort of impression you’re making.
- Everyone has their own way, which has nothing to do with you. – One big reason we judge each other so bitterly in our society of social comparison and social status: We subconsciously perceive anyone who’s doing things differently than what we’re doing as criticizing our decisions. This, of course, is something we need to let GO!
- Your greatest beauty is completely out of sight in shallow social interactions. – Outer beauty is only skin deep. You know this. And everyone has ugly days — we’re only human. So focus within first and foremost. Acting right and feeling right is better than looking right. Realize that unhappy can look pretty on the outside. Realize what makes you beautiful beyond looks. You are far more than what can be seen at a glance.
- Unconsciousness can cripple you. – A human being will be imprisoned in a room with a door that’s unlocked and opens inwards, as long as it does not occur to her to pull rather than push. An open, conscious mind is always the key. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Adversity chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
- Your struggles have been making you, not breaking you. – Sometimes you must go through difficulties, breakups, rejections, and painful wounds, which can all shatter the flattering image you once had of life. But this reset point allows you to discover two powerful truths: 1) Life is not exactly how you thought it was. 2) The loss of one wonderful pleasure is not the loss of all long-term pleasure. Remember, happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now, and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is. So just be. Reset. You are enough. You have enough. You do enough. Breathe deep. Let go, and let this experience be a lesson.
- The more you live through and learn in life, the more you will realize how much you don’t know. – Lots of modern research suggests that the so-called “impostor syndrome” that takes place when we suddenly don’t feel “good enough” gets more intense as we grow wiser. The more experienced or accomplished we become, the more likely we are to rub shoulders with ever more interesting, talented and skilled people, leaving us feeling even more inadequate by comparison. So, in a backwards way, if you’re concerned that you don’t measure up, that could very well be a good sign that you actually do measure up just fine. You’re growing stronger and wiser than you realize.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. It’s your turn to forget about what you thought for a moment and appreciate exactly where you are. Think positively. Be mindful. You can disappoint yourself sometimes and still be good enough. You can fail and still be smart, talented, and capable. You can let people down and still be worthy and deserving of love and admiration. So remind yourself, as often as you need to.
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this post. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
In what ways have you struggled with feeling unsure about yourself or your circumstances? How have you coped?
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B.G. says
I often worry that I’m not going to get through my anxiety, which I think many people who struggle with anxiety concern themselves with. However, I find that taking small steps to face our anxiety and prove to ourselves that we are stronger than it, is helpful. Thank you for writing this wonderful post!
Marc Chernoff says
B.G., I couldn’t agree more. Everything we want to move toward in life is achieved one tiny step at a time. Building a ritual of taking these steps is the key.
Goodnews Solomon says
I’m so appreciative for all that I have read, it does makes me feel nice and more knowledge on how I will do live my life.
Rachel says
Great post. I really had to learn to get over other peoples perceptions. When I did it was very freeing. Ego makes us think that people are consumed with who we are as individuals.
When I think of someone it is only for a couple of seconds and then I am off on other thoughts. So when I used to get frozen because I was so concerned about other peoples opinions of me. I was really judging myself far too harshly. I ended up using this as a tool to better myself rather than disable me.
Thanks for a great post.
Rachel.
Steve Wilmes says
I have struggled with insecurity for the past 24 years. I am a 44 year old man who has had seats on corporate jets, traveled to different parts of the world have a beautiful house at the beach in California, am the CEO of my company and could want for nothing. My daughter is wonderful. And yet everyday I don’t think I am good enough. I worry that I will lose it all, be without my family and anyone. That little voice in my head screams insecurity everyday and keeps me from doing so many things. It also irritates and destroys relationships with people I have. I have tried to cope on my own, but find it very difficult. I have sought therapy from a variety of sources, read the books, and gone thru the process. Still no luck. It is amazing what a grip it has on me. But each time I read your blog I feel a little better. Maybe one day I will get over it, but I have resigned myself to a life of loneliness and bitter relationships. But I still try.
Marc Chernoff says
Steve, this is something I used to struggle with too. Hang in there. The key for me was finding the one tool that works specifically for me–the kind of therapy that resonated with me personally. It’s a process of trial and error, but the goal is to find a mental/emotional tool that helps you bring conscious awareness to the self-defeating thoughts that are getting the best of you. If you ever want to talk via a coaching call, let me know.
Doug says
I was moved by your comment… especially the last few sentences which prompted me to reply…
It seems to me that perhaps the problem is a fear of losing the things you have acquired since you mention you have struggled for the past 24 years and are 44 and by all accounts very successful. Did the feelings begin when you started to acquire “things” and “success”? This is a very common deep-seated feeling of impending doom most likely stemming from feeling guilty that “I don’t deserve it” or “I just got lucky” and thus l could never get it back! Trust yourself!!
Having gained and lost both of wealth and deeply loved ones several times in my life. It is devastating… and this is cliché but so true…it’s not the end of the world and will it wont matter at all in 100 years!!
I am speaking from experience as someone who was challenged by these feelings since I was a young boy. Two things that changed them for me were:
1. Accepting my own eventual death – this is very powerful as the truth sits with you… life becomes precious – not what you “have.”
2. Starting to focus on the inner me instead of defining myself by my achievements and the “stuff” I acquired. While acquisition and recognition is good, I now define true success by who I am being!
There is an old riddle / parable that goes like this: There are two wolves living inside of us and they are always fighting. One is full of darkness, fear, and despair, and the other is full of brightness, hope, and optimism.. So which one wins??
The answer… THE ONE YOU FEED!! Every morning in my reflection and then through the day as I encounter different situations, I ask myself: “Which wolf am I feeding?”
And I would just add one last thought that I believe is absolutely true…. Happiness on most days is a choice – a moment by moment decision. Which do you choose?
Susan Jackson says
Hi Doug, you are a very wise man and I love your Wolf parable. I will be using it from now on in my life and I wish you all the best in yours. Thank you, Sue 🙂
Jo says
I like how Marc and Angel elude to the fact that horizontal success is not real success. In fact its only temporary because we can lose all material possessions at any time and will indeed lose them all in the end (ie. House, Car, etc). Steve is correct in his assumptions and is a prime example of someone who has achieved great material success but is not valued by his gains.
What really matters is verticle success. Our deeds. Our growth in the inner realm. What do we do with our material success that helps us in what is to come next? I speak to myself as well and hold no judgement on others.
Rose Costas says
Thanks for this awesome post. I am working hard at getting over a few of these. Thinking of what people’s perceptions are of me is one that I have struggled with for years. I think my desire to please is and still is a factor and so I try harder every time becoming more frustrated every time.
Feeling like an impostor all the time doesn’t help the self esteem either.
Thanks
Sissy says
Anxiety is my worst enemy. There are days that I feel is harder than others. I have analized myself many times and have blamed myself of what my life as been for many many years. I have allowed others to come into my life and hurt it because I was kind and loving to them. I found out through your readings that it is not all about others it is what you want and how you want to feel about yourself. Each day I read what you say and it gets better to face my fears, there are many and I have to face each one in a different prospective and living in the moment to handle each one. Overcoming the fact that I felt I was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, not being angry at others who hurt me. These are difficult times for me but I am getting better each day. Thank you for helping me with your words to get my life the way I want my life to be. I appreciate all you do.
D says
Amazing! After reading through your emails and posts over the past few months I’ve begun making progress in several areas of my life as it relates to increasing me self-esteem and confidence. This email/article was a perfect reminder for me.
Christian says
Before I became a daily reader of your work I had a significant trouble finding the line between self-worth (the ability to love myself) and arrogance, so I always dismissed everything as being arrogant and thus I always lacked feeling good enough.
The best tool I have found to boost my feelings of self-worth when I’m struggling is to read the articles, stories and comments shared on this site and and in your book that remind me that I’m not alone in my struggles – that others are going through difficult situations too.
Peg says
Great article; posted at a good time. It seemed the more I tried to better myself, the more unsure I became of myself. Things seemed to fall apart more, making it a vicious cycle. What I always used as my strength became my weakness. How did I cope? I realized I became the problem I saw in others. The tongue is a powerful tool. It can build or tear down. I weigh my words more carefully now. I realized there’s no need to be on alert 24/7. It’s exhausting and just plain paranoia.
Cosimo Galletti says
Thanks for the read Marc! Feeling unsure of your worth is a constant struggle for most. It is a natural state for people to look at themselves and feel a sense of inadequacy. As humans we are hard wired and socialized to do so. I have found that the key to staying in a positive and motivated state of being is to give yourself daily wins. To define for yourself what your best you looks like and design your day around modelling and accomplishing that standard of living. Gaining an understanding of who you are and how you can positively impact the world is a rare thing. You will also come to understand that most people are searching for this same understanding. This is when you can truly begin to appreciate who you are and what you are worth. Thank you so much for the opportunity to comment.
Bri says
This was amazing. And I came across this at the perfect moment in time.
Thank you so much. This did so much for me, little do you know.
Gunther says
Amazing how many people think that they know everything in life when reality, they don’t plus they will not admitted since it would make them look weak in front of their kids, spouses, their co-workers, their bosses, and the workers that they supervise.
David Cleroux says
As with most of us, anxieties take the fun out of life and become something we want to rectify ASAP. Therefor, we’re prone to focus on getting it resolved. Your 4th paragraph is what stood out here in that regard.
“Every belittling, insecure thought is unreliable and changeable. – Once you become self-conscious, there is no end to it if you don’t address it. Once you start to doubt yourself, there’s no room for anything else until you make a change. You’re going to have to let truth shout louder to your soul than the self-defeating lies that have infected you.” Certainly a very true statement and “taking the bull by the horns”, or acknowledging the fact that the anxiety is not the right emotion to have and rather being capable of viewing it from a positive perspective eliminates the possibility of missing the mark.
Your post is an affirmation of what I’ve been learning, and a big thank you for it. Hugs.
Ramji Yadav says
If we are fully absorbed in material riches and outer world, then definitely we will feel insecure and dissatisfied, because material riches are very much temporary and fleeting. For peaceful living and secure mindset we should gradually reduce our mental thoughts of material world and focus on who we really are (who am I, actually), in other words we should reflect on our inner being – true self, ‘The Soul’ on daily basis. Be watchful of your thoughts in the sense that the moment you feel anxious, immediately ask your self who am I, and thus the anxiety will loose it’s power and subsides. This practice will help to bring peacefulness in one’s life. Alternatively, reflect on the suggestions of Ms. Angel in this essay to stay peaceful and free of anxiety. Thanks a lot.
Linda Campbell says
This article resonates with me. I grew up under constant criticism and comparison. My grandmother lived with us and doted on my older (by almost 13 years!) sister. Everything I did was contrasted to what she could do. For example, I remember knitting a bonnet for my doll which I showed her with great pride. She laughed and said how my sister was a superb knitter. To my already bruised little ego, that hurt. At one point, around the age of 5 or 6, I remember taking myself off to a little corner and thinking “Why can’t I just be me?!”
All this destroyed my confidence and I really believed that I was useless and inferior to all others. But I grew up, married, had three children who, in spite of me (!) have grown into wonderful and worthwhile adults and who between them have brought up 5 more decent adults, the eldest of whom is already bringing up his own wonderful little adult.
I’m 85 now and have been a tai chi instructor for the past 17 years. That has taught me that “there is no wrong way to do something – although there may be better ways of doing it”.
Reading the above it sounds like a long and successful life, but I STILL am not happy within myself and STILL compare myself to others constantly. I shall read your 10 Essential Things many more times – and then some more – whenever I feel overwhelmed by my non-belief in myself. Thank you