12 Subtle Cases of Self-Deception that Often Drain Our Joy in Life

“There’s a vivid, beautiful, priceless piece of art hanging right in front of you. It’s sophisticated and detailed — a painstaking labor of deep devotion and love. The colors and textures are like no other — they soar and dip, they shine bright and leap right out at you! And yet you choose to fixate your eyes on the tiny, dark housefly that just landed on the edge this masterpiece. Why would you choose to do such a thing?”

She cracked a half smile in my direction and then shifted her gaze down to the ground.

“Look,” I said, “the point here is that there’s no possible way to be 100% certain about anything in this world. If you’re telling yourself otherwise, you’re lying to yourself — it’s self-deception. Life, like good art, is sophisticated, imperfect, and unpredictable. So you’re left with a choice: either appreciate it and look for the beauty in it, or focus on the worst and dwell on it.”

But if you expect the worst, you’re never disappointed,” she said under her breath.

“Yeah, but who really lives like that?” I replied. “No one, that’s who! People deceive themselves and die slowly every day like that, without ever truly living.”

That’s the rough transcript of a Zoom conversation I had recently with a coaching client, (I’m sharing this with her permission). She literally started the conversation by telling me that expecting negative things to happen is her way of coping with life’s challenges. And I know she’s not alone in feeling this way…

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the mind is the battleground. It’s the place where the fiercest and most ruthless conflict resides. It’s where half of the things you feared were going to happen, never actually happened. It’s where your expectations always get the best of you. It’s where you fall victim to your own self-deception time and time again. And if you allow these self-deceiving thoughts to dwell in your mind, they will succeed in robbing you of joy, peace, meaning, and ultimately your life. You will think yourself into endless disappointment and heartache.

So, if you can relate to any of this, I encourage you to join me in my battle against self-deception. Specifically, I’ve committed myself to noticing when my mind starts to deceive me. The list below is a highlight of those deceiving thoughts, along with some key points of clarity I try to remember — some good reminders we all need sometimes.

It’s time we stop deceiving ourselves with thoughts like these:

1. “Things will never get better.”

There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s part of living — to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become. When you find yourself cocooned in isolation and cannot find your way out of the darkness, remember that this is similar to the place where caterpillars go to grow their wings. Just because today is a terrible day doesn’t mean tomorrow can’t be one of the best days of your life. You’ve just got to get there.

2. “It’s too late… I’ve already failed.”

Sometimes you have to fail a hundred times to succeed. And no matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you’re still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying. So don’t get so hung up on one failed attempt that you miss the opening for more ideas and opportunities. All of your ideas that don’t work are simply stepping stones on your way to the one idea that does. Remember, failure is not falling down; failure is staying down when you have the choice to get back up. Always get back up! Good things often fall apart so better things can fall together.

3. “I’m not ready because I’m not good enough yet.”

Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first. So stop berating yourself for being a work in progress, and start embracing it! Being a work in progress doesn’t mean you’re not good enough today; it means you want a better tomorrow, and you wish to invest in yourself completely, so you can live your life fully. It means you’re determined to heal your heart, expand your mind and cultivate the progress you know you’re capable of. You are ready. You just need to start.

4. “I can’t trust anyone or anything anymore.”

At some point we’ve all made mistakes, been walked on, been used and forgotten. We’ve let people take advantage of us, and we’ve accepted way less than we deserve. But we shouldn’t regret one moment of it, because in those moments we learned a lot from our bad choices. We’ve learned who we can trust and who we can’t. We’ve learned the meaning of real friendship. We’ve learned how to tell when people are lying and when they’re sincere. We’ve learned how to be ourselves, and appreciate the truly sincere people and things in our lives today. And even though there are some things we can never recover and people who will never be sorry, we now know better for next time.

5. “My dreams are impossible to achieve.”

Don’t let someone who gave up on their dreams talk you out of going after yours. The best thing you can do in life is follow your intuition. Take calculated risks. Don’t just make the safe and easy choices because you’re afraid of what might happen. If you do, nothing will ever happen. And if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. So let your dreams be bigger than your fears and your actions speak louder than your words. Do something every day that your future self will thank you for.

6. “I don’t have enough to be happy.”

In every mistake and struggle there is a message. Some people miss the message because they’re too busy berating themselves for the mistake, or fretting obsessively over the problem. To be upset about what you don’t have is always a waste of what you do have. The happiest people are rarely the luckiest, and they usually don’t have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes their way. The reason so many people give up on themselves is because they tend to look at what’s missing, and how far they still have to go, instead of what’s present, and how far they have come.

7. “I need someone to save me.”

In various ways, we are who we choose to be. Nobody’s going to come and save you — you’ve got to save yourself. Nobody’s going to give you everything — you’ve got to go out and earn it. Nobody knows what you want except for you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don’t achieve it. So never leave your key to happiness in someone else’s pocket, and don’t wait on someone else to build your life for you. Be the architect and keeper of your own life. And remember that the more you take responsibility for your past and present, the more you are able to create the future you seek. (Read “Emotional Freedom”.)

8. “I’m stuck with people who hurt me.”

Life is too short. Look out for yourself. If someone continuously mistreats you, have enough respect for yourself to create some healthy boundaries. It may hurt for a while, but it’ll be OK. You’ll be OK. Oftentimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth.

9. “I don’t need to meet anyone new.”

It sounds harsh, but you can’t keep every friend you’ve ever made. People and priorities change — as some relationships fade others will grow. So appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work. Trust your judgment too. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.

10. “My failed relationships wasted too much of my time.”

There are certain people who aren’t meant to fit into your life, but no relationship is ever a waste of time. If it doesn’t bring you what you want, it teaches you what you DON’T want. We rarely lose friends, we just gradually figure out who our real ones are. So never force someone to make a space in their life for you, because if they know your worth they will create one for you. And remember, when you’re up, your “friends” know who you are, but when you’re down, you know who your “real friends” are. It usually just takes some time to figure it all out. (Note: Marc and I take a deeper dive into difficult relationships in our book, “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)

11. “I can’t live without those who are gone.”

If someone comes into your life and has a positive impact on you, but for some reason they can’t stay, do your best not to resist this evolution. Be thankful that your paths crossed and that they made you happy, even if it was just for a short while. Life is change. People really do come and go. Some come back, some don’t. And just because one person leaves, doesn’t mean you should forget about everyone else who’s still standing by your side. Continue to appreciate what you have, and smile about the memories.

12. “I have way too much to lose. “

In the end, you won’t regret the things you have done nearly as much as the things you have left undone. Take that to heart! Most of us would rather look back at life and say, “I can’t believe I did that!” instead of, “I wish I would have…” It’s just easier to process a few “Oh wells” than it is to process a bunch of “what ifs.” It’s easier to have a lifetime full of mistakes that you learned from, rather than a heart full of regrets and empty promises to yourself.

Now it’s your turn…

I challenge you to put the reminders above to good use — to tune in to your inner voice and circumvent the deceiving thoughts your subconscious mind likes to recite to you, so you can get out of your own way in days ahead.

But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this post. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂

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