The unhappiest people in this world are the people who care the most about what everyone else thinks.
“What’s wrong with wanting to please others?”
That’s what several people asked me via email in response to one of my recent articles. Today, I want to discuss why it’s not healthy to try to please everyone, and some effective ways to stop yourself from doing so.
Seeking approval from others is perfectly fine up until the point where you are compromising your health and happiness in the process. It becomes a serious problem if you feel as though widespread approval from others is the very oxygen you need to breathe. And there was a time in my life when I felt exactly this way…
I literally felt like I was short of breath — almost as if I’d die if my peers didn’t approve of me. This is a condition that developed in my mind when I was very young, after kids in elementary school teased me for being a “nerd.” I did everything I could to win their approval. And although I grew out of my awkward stage pretty early in my teenage years, the damage was done — I was left feeling insecure. I was conditioned to seek and beg for outside approval at all times.
The biggest problem was that, as a 20-something college graduate entering the work force, I felt that anything I did or even thought only had validity if it was the “right thing” to say and think. And by “right thing,” what I really mean is “what other people thought was right.” I was terrified to step outside the box of acceptability, which was especially harmful to my creativity as I tried to nurture my passion for writing.
Once I realized what I was doing, I read several books, spoke with a coach, and focused diligently on healing this broken part of myself.
The bottom line is that a habit of approval-seeking forces you to miss out on the beauty of simply being yourself, with your own unique ideas and desires. If you are led through life only doing and being what you’ve come to believe is expected of you, then, in a way, you cease to live.
So how can you stop fearing what everyone thinks of you? Let’s take a look:
1. Get comfortable with not knowing what other people think.
When Marc and I first started writing on this blog, I’d agonize over whether people would think what I was writing was good enough. I desperately hoped they’d like it, and oftentimes I’d catch myself imagining they didn’t. Then one day I realized how much energy I was wasting worrying about it. So I’ve gradually learned to relax with simply not knowing.
Some problems in life, such as not knowing what others think of you, are not really meant to be resolved. How people perceive you may have more to do with them than you anyway. They may even like or dislike you simply because you’ve triggered an association in their minds by reminding them of someone they liked or disliked from their past, which has absolutely nothing to do with you.
So here’s a new mantra for you — say it, and then say it again: “This is my life, my choices, my mistakes and my lessons. As long as I’m not hurting people, I need not worry what they think of me.” (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love and Relationships chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
2. Know that most people are not thinking about you anyway.
Ethel Barrett once said, “We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do.” Nothing could be closer to the truth.
Forget what everyone else thinks of you — chances are, they aren’t thinking about you anyway. And if you feel like they always are, understand that this perception of them watching you and critiquing your every move is a complete figment of your imagination. It’s your own inner fears and insecurities that are creating this illusion. It’s you judging yourself that’s the problem.
3. Accept that someone else’s opinion is not your problem.
How many times have you looked at a person and initially misjudged their brilliance? Appearances are deceptive. How you seem to someone and how you actually are rarely congruent. Even if they get the basic gist of who you are, they’re still missing a big piece of the puzzle. So if someone forms an opinion about you based on certain superficialities, then it’s up to them, not you, to reform those opinions based on a more objective and rational viewpoint. Leave it to them to worry about — that is, if they even have an opinion at all.
And whatever you do, don’t take their opinions to heart. The ability to not overreact, or take things too personally, keeps your mind clear, your heart at peace, and you fully composed in otherwise uncontrollable situations and circumstances. Calmness truly is a human superpower.
4. Ask yourself, “Does what they think even matter right now?”
Most of the time the answer is no. Period. And even in circumstances like job interviews where someone’s snap judgment of you does make a difference, it still makes sense to be true to yourself in the process. Because there’s no point in getting a job that isn’t the right fit. So think about how this philosophy ripples into the rest of your life too.
And in your free time, be sure to spend less time with people who you feel pressured to impress, and more time with those who are good for your mental health and personal growth. Those who bring you perspective and inner peace. Those who challenge your bad habits, but also support your ability to change and grow.
5. See the benefit in being unique.
If you’re thinking like everyone else, you aren’t thinking. And if you aren’t thinking, you aren’t truly living.
It’s human nature to attempt to mimic other humans we look up to — perhaps a parental figure or a celebrity — especially when we are feeling insecure in our own skin. But attempting to be someone else will always leave us feeling empty inside. Why? Because what we appreciate about the people we admire is their individuality — the qualities that make them unique. To really copy them, we need to develop our own individuality, and in that way, we would actually be less like them and more like our true selves.
We all have quirks and unique perspectives. The more relaxed you become with your own differences, the more comfortable you will start to feel just being YOU. So celebrate being different, off the beaten path, a little on the weird side… your own special creation. And if you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new river to swim in. But DO NOT change who you are; BE who you are. (Read “The Road Less Traveled”.)
6. Be fully present and choose how you DO want to feel.
It’s OK to know how you don’t want to feel, but that’s not all you should be thinking about. Imagine someone trying to learn to read by spending all their time focusing on how they don’t want to not be able to read. It doesn’t really make any sense, does it?
So forget what you do not want to feel for a moment. Work out how you DO want to feel right now in the present moment. Train yourself to live right here, right now without regretting how others once made you feel, or fearing the possibility of future judgment…
If you were delivering life-saving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on someone you love in a public setting, you’d be 100% focused and present. You wouldn’t be thinking about what bystanders thought of your hair, your body type, or the brand of jeans you were wearing. All these inconsequential details would vanish from your consciousness. The intensity of the situation would motivate you to choose not to care about what others might be thinking of you. This proves, quite simply, that thinking about what others are thinking about you is YOUR CHOICE.
7. Practice speaking and living your truth.
Speak your truth even if your voice shakes… Be cordial and reasonable, of course, but don’t tread so carefully on every word you say. Don’t filter yourself into silence and obscurity. Just say what you mean and mean what you say. What you’ll find is that most of the time no one will be offended or irritated at all. And if they do get upset, it’s likely only because you’ve started behaving in a way that makes them feel they have less power over you.
Think about it. Why be fake?
In the end, the truth usually comes out one way or the other, and when that happens, you’re standing alone if you’ve been living a lie. So start living your truth! And if someone truly gives you a hard time and says, “You’ve changed,” or something similar, it’s not a bad thing. It just means you stopped living your life their way. Don’t apologize for it. Just be open and sincere, explain how you feel, and keep doing what you know in your heart is right.
Now it’s your turn…
The bottom line is that a life spent ceaselessly trying to please people who are incapable of ever being pleased, or trying too hard to always be seen as doing “the right thing,” is a sure road to a regretful existence.
So it’s your turn to do more than exist! We all exist. The question is: Do you live?
As for me, I eventually realized existing without ever truly living was not what I wanted for myself. So I made changes — I gradually implemented the points discussed above and never looked back. If you are in the same place I once was, seeking approval from everyone for every little thing you do, please take this post to heart and start making changes today. Life is too short not to.
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
How has the fear of what other people think interfered with your life?
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Larry Hochman says
Someone said way back when, “other people’s opinions of you are none of your business.” How true that rings…especially for those of us who try to project ourselves into the habit of supporting others to heal and grow. We hit their “tender spots” and it’s easy for them to project their pain onto us. Well written and compassionate post. Thanks!
Nila Sweeney says
This post penetrated my whole being. Having struggled with insecurity for most of my life, I pretended to be someone else just to be likable.
I was afraid of my boss thinking I was lazy, so I brought home my work and spent my weekends working instead of spending quality time with my family.
My fear of being seen as stupid led me to triple and quadruple-check everything before I make a decision.
All these focus on what others think led me to miss out on life. I stopped pursuing the things I love because I was too busy pleasing everyone else. I sacrificed my time just so others will not think ill of me.
The turnaround came when I started to suffer physically. Even though I exercise a lot and do a lot of meditation and yoga, the sheer stress I imposed on my body was too much. I started to get sick more often and I was becoming irritable.
I decided then to get some help, read books and devour blogs like Marc and Angel. I’m slowly making progress. Thank you for these incredibly helpful posts!
Stephanie says
This is so timely, thank you. I am about to make a life-altering job decision and I am finding that the only thing that is potentially holding me back from making the jump, is my fear of what people will say; my family, friends, colleagues and community and my current staff. I am so worried about how my leaving will affect THEIR lives. Your article helped me to realize that it is a huge waste of energy trying to make everyone happy. This is something that is out of my control and is not MY responsibility. While I will continue to acknowledge the opinions of others, I will strive to change my thinking patterns so that I do not weigh heavily on the opinions of others to direct my own life.
Matthew Palka says
I’m reading a book right now that talks about how we live in two worlds often. The world of our own minds and what we think of ourselves and the world of others and what they think about us. The quote about knowing how seldom others think of us really stuck with me after reading this. The fear of what other people think halts me in my personal growth and doing what I want and love.
We all have our own story to create and it’s fun when they match up and can be told together. But I really have no place telling someone else what to think or how to live their life story. Someone else’s opinion and what they want is not my problem. I want to please myself most often and think about me. I am the author of my own life, and I remind myself of that each week.
Jake says
This post speaks to me, it’s been an issue of mine.
I was teased in elementary school/junior high. Like you said, the phase disappears, but the damage was done. I began to form my all actions around others opinions.
I eventually stopped doing things I loved, like piano, because my classmates thought it wasn’t “cool”.
I also didn’t play for my high school hockey team. ALL my friends signed up… I didn’t. Many people questioned why I didn’t join; I was a great player. But I knew that I wasn’t as good as the AAA kids in the same league from my previous school, the ones who teased me in my early years. It prevented me from joining. I let the opinions of others guide my choices… It has been one of the biggest regrets of my life.
The way I coped can be summed up by a Will Smith quote, “Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings, and emotions” I do what I love now, because I love to do it. #4 and #5 are so true.
Nowadays, you can see me in full scrubs longboarding to my human dissection class, and getting down on my keyboard at home. There is a “benefit in being unique”, it’s called true happiness
Michelle Russell says
Marc, thanks for this insightful post. I often describe myself as a recovering “overachiever and people-pleaser,” and only in recent years has it finally hit home just how darn *much* my sense of self-worth has relied on the opinion of others. Which is ironic because, as you so eloquently describe here, that mostly consists of my own perception of what I *think* others think of me. 🙂
So I have used your 7 phrases, and some close variants, to gradually “pep talk” myself into new ways of thinking and perceiving…and over time, they really do work!
For example, due to a hearing sensitivity, I need to wear earplugs at my workplace. This can cause a moment of awkwardness when someone comes up and starts talking to me without realizing that I can’t hear until I pop out the plugs, and for a long time that embarrassed me deeply because I thought it looked “weird.” (And let’s face it, to some people it probably does.)
In the beginning I’d over-explain, going on at length about my condition, until I noticed the glazed look in people’s eyes and it finally dawned on me…most of them SIMPLY DIDN’T CARE one way or the other.
It’s taken time, but now I’m a lot more likely to catch myself in the middle of my own embarrassed reaction and say to myself, “Does what they think even matter? As long as I’m pleasant, polite, and doing my job well, they probably couldn’t care less…and even if they do, it’s not my problem anyway.” See? Sort of an amalgamation of some of your points. 🙂
And the more I practice these inner pep talks, the more liberated I feel—finally—from what others may (or equally may not!) be thinking of me.
Julie says
Thanks so much for this article, l too was an eternal people pleaser and feeling as though l never measured up, or was always “less than”. With lots of reading and work on myself l now know l was the one who felt as though l never “measured up” and l have been able to give up trying to be perfect. I now live my life as the person l am, warts and all and guess what? l’m enough!
Ed G says
I too had a childhood where my school peers would tease and bully me because I was very sensitive.
After a few years, I grew up physically strong, and in my teens I gained some respect because of my looks, but inside I was never healed. That big, deep scar remains to this day. Ever since, I have always been very shy and fearful, hiding from and avoiding all sorts of social situations.
Up to this day I always act worrying about other people’s thoughts and regards. Even as I write this comment I am focusing on how it will read out to other people, if they would think, “this guy doesn’t even know how to write properly”.
I am in my 40s now, and have two beautiful kids and a loving wife. At home things are ok, sometimes self consciousness creeps in. However, at work it’s a different story, in groups I’m always frozen and almost never express an opinion, afraid that people will think that I’m stating the obvious or some ridiculous thought.
Thank you for this blog. I’ve been looking for some kind of advice, and this is spot on. I’m very grateful for your words.
Ramji Yadav says
Most respectfully, I highly appreciate you that you have expressed yourself very well, more so you are very much candid and true. Believe me, if you express yourself in the group also, you will be appreciated well. Don’t think in your mind what they will say. They don’t ridicule you because they also ultimately want to appease you to be or feel good about themselves.
Christy King says
People may get confused because they might think statements like “don’t worry what anyone else thinks” or “don’t try to please other people” are giving us free reign to be a jerks. Perhaps it needs to be said that this assumes that you’re being a decent human being.
There’s a huge difference between caring whether your neighbor gets upset if you park on his lawn and caring whether your neighbor gets upset that you have a pink car.
Good points though overall.
Anders Hasselstrøm says
Hello Marc and Angel,
Thanks for an insightful post once again. I think most people can relate to the problem of fearing what everyone thinks of us. It is normal as human beings because we have become so aware about ourselves and others.
I have a point I want to make about changing. 1 year ago I went from being a students drinking 5-6 times a week to becoming an Ironman crossing the finish line in August.
People liked me being the student having fun all the time but people respected me even more when I made a conscious decision about chasing a dream. I was surprised about the reaction from my friends but it also tells me that as long as you support your decisions most people will support you as well. And those that don’t really don’t have a long-term place in your daily life anyway.
Take care,
Anders Hasselstrøm
Betsy says
#1 and #7 are me – I am working on changing both. I do not need to worry about what others think of me, and yes, I always speak the truth. Old school here and brought up that if you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything. I follow that every day.
Every post I read is just awesome, and enjoy the comments from others very much. Thank you all. Very comforting.
Sharon says
I have been a people-pleaser and it got me nowhere because you cannot please everyone and some people can never be pleased! I found as a grew older (47 now) the confidence to just do what felt right for me has increased and reading blogs like this one reinforces my new approach. Trying to please everyone leads to stress which they don’t feel – but you do.
Theresa says
Wow, this is so true. I have become free of this problem years ago but occasionally it rears it’s head. My worst time is when dealing with men. Needless to say two failed marriages and many other wrong male choices, I decided I needed to fix this, for myself. Why was I attracting the wrong Mr. Right? I saw the pattern of the type of men that have come into my life and it is the same type – the broken angry ones at life which make me want to help and fix them – you know “the project”.
I finally realized that there was nothing I could do to make happy the situation, that their misery in life was self imposed, and now they had a scapegoat to blamed their misfortunes on – it was now all my fault they are miserable. Until I realized this, I would internalize their pain as my failure. I was so wrong, this had nothing to do with me. Learning to walk away was my greatest gift to myself.
Karla McEvoy says
I made some poor career decisions because I gave too much weight to what other people thought and by trying to do what I thought would be most acceptable to those around me. I ended up miserable in my mid 30s. I wish I had this article while I was going through this struggle to get myself back on a happier track. These are great tips! It took me a long time to learn that the life choices I was making to try to please others were not really making the folks any happier. They were often still angry or wanting more from me. These days I find it helpful to set boundaries on how much action I will take based upon the opinion of others. The more I started listening to my own inner voice, the better my life became.
Marie says
Thank you. I always get something from your reflections. The funny thing about this topic is that I don’t care so much about what other people think of me. I spend most of my mental energy wrestling with what I think of me!
Ramji Yadav says
“In the end, the truth usually comes out one way or the other, (sooner or later) and when that happens, you’re standing alone if you’ve been living a lie. So start living your truth! And keep doing what you know in your heart is right.” This conclusion appealed me most today, because if I am living true and doing true, then automatically, I don’t feel what others will say. Even if they are thinking and saying otherwise, then it’s their truth not my problem.
Overall, all the seven points were so vivid, exciting and relating to us that almost all the commentators poured their hearts in the sense that all the comments are very alive. Thanks a lot M&A.
David says
You have a very good point to muse in your essay. Sometimes it’s hard to discern between man pleasing and trying to be a good sample. I’m older and I’ve mellowed out somewhat, and I think for the most part, I’m just trying to be a good sample. I still tend to avoid aggressive people, but I do stand my ground their aggression becomes degrading to myself or to someone I respect. I definitely do not like confrontations, and maybe that makes me a little more on the man pleasing side, I’m not totally sure. One thing I am sure of, is that I need to work on taking the time to express myself more precisely in conversation. So yes, there is still some work to be done and thanks for bringing the subject up. I appreciate it and it has challenged me to evaluate where I’m at. Hugs.