by Emma Scheib
“It does not do you well to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”
— Albus Dumbledore
Dreams and a vision for our future are wonderful things to have. They can inspire us, keep us motivated and help us to do scary things. But what happens when we don’t achieve our dreams? What happens when you wake up in the middle of your life and realize you haven’t done the things you thought or hoped you would?
If you had shown me a picture, 15 years ago, of what my life would look like today, you would have had to scrape me off the floor. There would have been disbelief and a whole lot of ugly crying. So I’m glad I didn’t get that memo. But I’m surprisingly okay with the picture of my life today. Actually, I’m not just okay, I’m happy.
Dreams vs. Real Life
Back in my twenties, in the thick of postgraduate studies in Psychology, my dream was to get my Ph.D. and be teaching Psychology in some world-renowned university far away from my own little country. I also dreamed of qualifying for the Boston marathon and completing an Ironman.
Fast forward a couple of years and I’d downgraded to a master’s degree, a half Ironman and was working a corporate job. And while those are still incredible achievements in most people’s eyes, I felt defeated and disillusioned. I had dreams and didn’t achieve them. In my eyes, all I could see was failure and mediocrity.
Thankfully, in my thirties, after discovering concepts like minimizing and slow, intentional living, I began to see what was really important. And I’ve discovered the most surprising thing. Most days I feel a deep, unshakeable joy — despite my failed dreams. In fact, this joy is present not just despite, but because of my failed dreams.
I am joyful because I know that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. But also because of six specific things I do to practice acceptance and to cultivate more joy everyday.
1. I am more grateful.
I try and practice gratitude daily. But there’s a trick. I try and keep it simple. It’s not always the stereotypical bedtime list, sometimes it’s a small thought in the middle of a full day. Practicing gratitude doesn’t have to be a full 20-minute routine. A grateful heart is sometimes just a feeling. It’s the feeling I get when I’m out cycling and see an eagle gliding across the paddocks, or the feeling when I hear my 5-year-old’s infectious giggles.
When we haven’t achieved our dreams it’s easy to fall into resentment. Gratitude can reduce feelings of resentment by boosting our self-esteem. The path from gratitude to joy happens when we shift our awareness away from resentment and envy.
2. I look for happiness in the journey itself.
I used to think “I’ll be happy when I get my Ph.D.”, or “I’ll be happy when my daughter starts sleeping through the night”. My happiness often depended on these big life events that I thought needed to happen. I didn’t realize that happiness isn’t always found in these concrete achievements or milestones. Happiness is more often found on the way there.
I don’t remember the night my baby started sleeping through, but I do remember the long nights snuggled up against her tiny body, waiting for deep sleep to come. Happiness wasn’t what I felt crossing the finish line after 6 grueling hours in the water, on the bike and running (possibly because I was too exhausted!). But I have many happy memories of training for that event. In both cases, the journey was more life-giving and joyful than the destination.
3. I seek simple pleasures.
These days I’m far more likely to find real happiness watching my 5-year-old catch ladybugs than in a work achievement. I get immense joy from little things. Simple things. I’ve made a habit of bringing my awareness to things like the way the morning light is falling on our deck, or the carpet autumn of leaves in our backyard. I feel more joy over simple things, things I have no control over than those I’ve worked for years on.
Finding joy in the day-to-day monotony is important. Ph.D. or not, there will always be laundry to fold, and dishes to wash. If we can’t find true joy in our everyday ordinary lives, then it’s unlikely we will find it in the extraordinary. I like to cultivate joy in the simple things.
4. I celebrate my life so far.
As I approached my 40th birthday last year I decided I would do something concrete to combat the disillusionment I could be feeling about my thwarted dreams. So I made an un-bucket list. I didn’t want to make another list of all the things I wanted to do over the next 40 years. Instead, I wanted to focus on all the things I’d done so far.
And the exercise was very enlightening. Firstly, I realized that this mediocre life I thought I was living was far from mediocre. I’d ‘achieved’ far more than I gave myself credit for. But secondly, and more importantly, my list included things that made me love myself. Like getting a mohawk, learning to love gardening, and deciding to love myself. It was full of weird, quirky things that made me, and I believe I love each of these things and the part they’ve played in my 40 years, more than I would love having that Ph.D.
5. I accept and appreciate that life is seasonal.
Understanding that life is seasonal has been one of the most freeing things I’ve ever experienced. Humans beings are an extension of nature. Which means we are bound by the laws of seasons, just as nature is. We need our lives to be seasonal. Understanding the need for winter, and rest has been a hard lesson, but worth learning.
When I allow myself to fully be in the season I’m in, I am more accepting of myself. I’m currently in the season of small(ish) children, and accepting and embracing this means I feel less resentful about the book manuscript that isn’t finished.
And there’s a wonderful truth about seasonal living. Seasons come, and they go. This week may be tough, but next week will be better. Or, as Marc and Angel say in “1,000 Little Things…”, “Happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now, and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is.”
6. I seek meaningful connection over achievement.
When I started reading about minimalism and essentialism a few years ago, I fairly quickly realized that it wasn’t about the ‘stuff.’ I could declutter all I wanted but if I wasn’t focusing on what was essential at the same time then it would all be for nothing.
At its heart, minimalism, or slow living is all about paring back to the basics in life. Cutting out the extraneous noise to focus on the things that truly matter. Like connecting with others. If I do nothing else with my life, but connect deeply with others I care about, I don’t think I’ll regret a thing. In fact, I think I’ll be extraordinarily happy with my ordinary life, loving others.
Now it’s your turn…
Our dreams won’t always eventuate. We will often deviate from the path we think we should be on. Sometimes a failed dream is what we need to show us what life is really about. We don’t have to live extraordinary lives to be extraordinarily happy. Don’t hold the destination so close, look out the window and enjoy the ride.
And of course, I would love to hear from YOU in the comments section.
Which point in this post resonated the most today?
Anything else to share?
Please leave a comment below.
Author Bio: The points in this article were contributed by Emma Scheib and copyedited by Marc and Angel. Emma gained her Masters in Psychology 12 years ago and has since worked full time in corporate research positions for government agencies. She recently gave up her “dream job” to pursue being a (happier) mom, living a slower pace of life. She is dipping her toes back into her long-lost love, creative writing.
Anna Rodriguez says
Wonderful post today! In my 68 years on this planet I have found your point about life being seasonal, and appreciating life for what it is at the moment, to be very true. I’ve had so many ups and downs—marriages, deaths, births, successes, and failures, etc.—in my life. Everything changes, that’s the one thing we can count on. And that’s why we need to tune into our present lives and appreciate what we can at the moment. Because in a few moments from now, things will be different again.
Deborah Young says
Good Morning, Your post was exactly what I need I woke up this morning just feeling so terrible. I sat down to my computer not knowing how my day was going to go. I was sooo worried about how I was going to meet all of my obligations and feeling like I would never make it and I read this article an immediately started to write my gratitude list. I realize that my life is good as it is and today is going to be a great day and I thank God for you and this site. I appreciate this site and those who share here.
Dr James Killebrew says
So so much truth in every word you’ve written! Came to say the same, thank you!
Lenny J. says
I love the notion of “loving our ordinary lives.” Thank you for this one today. Simple but profound to me at this time. 🙂
Judy says
Thank you for this blog! I will keep it as a reminder to keep my head and heart in the present moment and in the proper perspective. I was a Type A achievement oriented leader who has been sidelined and mostly housebound by ME/CFS for the last 20 yrs (just turned 70). I’ve been forced from a high level multi tasking life to that of a monk’s, forced from focusing on doing to simply being. Each point in this blog hit home with me and will no doubt help me at low points when I am grappling with the worthiness and meaning of my life.
Joanne says
I love the raw honesty in this short entry. In a way, it reminded me of this quote that I just wrote down in the notes on my phone this morning from 1000 Little Things: “You’re not the same person you were a week ago, a day ago, or even an hour ago. You’re always growing. That’s life. And the very experiences that seem so hard when you’re going thru them are the ones you’ll look back on with gratitude for how far you’ve come.”
Thank you for these reminders that dreams are not always better than the ‘normal’ lives we’re actually living on a day to day basis. Things are changing, and we’re adapting every day. Let’s appreciate our ability to do so. Let’s enjoy the journey.
Rhonda Lawson says
I fully agree, it doesn’t always have to be a “list” of things to be grateful for. It can be finding my husband’s wallet with my foot – under the covers, in the wee hours of the morning – before he’s actually even gone looking for it. It’s questioning whether wearing second-hand clothes diminishes my self-esteem, then deciding that wearing next to new is actually a plus. I alter the clothes and wear them with pride whether or not they were bought new.
Further, to echo your portrayal of thwarted career plans, I like what the “robot” says in the movie “Passengers,”
“You’re not where you want to be, you feel like you’re supposed to be somewhere else. Say you could snap your fingers and be wherever you wanted to be. I bet you’d still feel this way. The point is, you can’t get so hung up on where you’d rather be, that you forget how to make the most of where you are. Take a break from worrying about what you can’t control. Live a little.” – Arthur, Passengers (2016)
I had a situation early in my career when I unexpectedly lost a job. Soon after, I went on a ski trip to Switzerland, but had become so depressed because of the job loss that I didn’t enjoy the trip. I always regretted letting myself be in that depressed state of mind. So, ever after, I decided not to let disappointing outcomes affect how I experienced the present moment.
jj coco says
That’s amazing advice. How do you pull yourself up like that. So sorry you missed out on enjoying that trip. I’ll keep that as my inspiration. looking forward to a fun weekend with my kids next weekend, and this depressed state of mind can’t rob all the joy that lies ahead.
thank you
Dawn says
This was great just what I needed to hear. Been reading about the life satisfaction curve ,this echos the same. I’m 56 and my life has not turned out like I thought. Going to psychics and being foretold an exciting future that hasn’t come true has added to my sadness I’m experiencing now. Don’t visit psychics is one lesson here. And reduce expectations and just be more present and accepting of the actual journey.
Lorna says
I love the concept of seasonal living.
Thinking in those terms creates a more gentle, accepting outlook on life. And that it is forever changing. I really like that thought, it is comforting. Living in the here and now is something I am trying to do and accomplish right now. For I use to live only in the past or future. The present was at that time, to hard to deal with. But with time, I was able to bring myself here. And it is great!
I have hopes for the future and I remember the past and share stories. But the present is where I live now.
I felt a bit guilty being grateful throughout my day and not writing them down. I understand now that it is ok and important to do it that way or whatever way is good for you.
I truly enjoy what I read here each week, thank you!
They have helped to pull me out of some dark days and see the light.
Jane Hill says
I am an older person now …Have been mostly positive in life.
It is true ALL you dreams will not come true. However
You simply change Dreams and keep on thinking positive.
Negative thinking can NOT be allowed.
You MUST build a screen to block any negative thoughts.
(A Negative catcher) Sure they try to enter.
No one can …afford ….to think negative. Block them.
Life is great & Wonderful & Good. (We have life lessons for sure.)
Accept you Lesson learn it & go on.
Joan says
At age 68, I have broken my arm. As I recover, I am finally slowing down. Realizing I don’t have to be ‘doing’ all the time. It’s been a time for reflection on all that I and my hubby have accomplished. Never had a bucket list so I like your idea of an un-bucket list. I trying to re-discover what I like to do when I am not working. Finally having a little time (enforced during healing) for me, to figure out what I really want going forward. Life has been an ongoing push to get this or that done, Put food on the table, hustle, etc.
David Cleroux says
5. I accept and appreciate that life is seasonal.
Understanding that life is seasonal has been one of the most freeing things I’ve ever experienced. Humans beings are an extension of nature. Which means we are bound by the laws of seasons, just as nature is. We need our lives to be seasonal. Understanding the need for winter, and rest has been a hard lesson, but worth learning.
When I allow myself to fully be in the season I’m in, I am more accepting of myself. I’m currently in the season of small(ish) children, and accepting and embracing this means I feel less resentful about the book manuscript that isn’t finished.
And there’s a wonderful truth about seasonal living. Seasons come, and they go. This week may be tough, but next week will be better. “Happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now, and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is.”
Ditto! A surprising and relevant thought about life. This view of the cycle is so much more meaningful. All things change and changes are good for us and very needed. This is a great more relaxing way to view life. I plan on incorporating it into the way I look at things. I certainly appreciate the wisdom of it. Thank you for all that you give and share to make life a little more manageable. Hugs.