Courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid; courage means you don’t let fear stop you.
Everything you want is on the other side of fear. Don’t ever hesitate to give yourself a chance to be everything you are capable of being.
Although fear can feel overwhelming, and defeats more people than almost any other force in the world, it’s not as powerful as it seems. Fear is only as deep as your mind allows. You are still in control. The key is to acknowledge your fear and directly address it. You have to step right up and confront it face to face. This tactic robs fear of its power, instead of fear robbing YOU of…
1. Your true path and purpose.
Fear of being different…
Don’t be fooled by what others say, especially when they try to tell you what’s right for you. Listen and then draw your own conclusions. What is your intuition telling you?
Theres not a clear path that everyone should follow. Your greatest fear should not be of failure, but of succeeding in life at all the wrong things. Choose a path that fits YOU. Those who follow the crowd usually get lost in it. So challenge yourself to ask with each and every step that consumes your energy: Does this thing I’m doing right now truly serve me and those I care about in the next few days, few months, and few years?
Whatever you settle on, just make sure you don’t gain the whole world by losing your soul and purpose in the process. (Read “The Road Less Traveled”.)
2. Self-respect.
Fear of not being good enough…
Respect yourself and be proud of your efforts, even your mistakes, because your mistakes mean you’re trying. Don’t be too hard on yourself either; there are plenty of people willing to do that for you. Just do your best and surrender the rest. Tell yourself, “I am doing the best I can with what I have in this moment. That is all I can ever expect of anyone, including me.”
And if you feel like others are not treating you with love and respect, check your price tag. Perhaps you subconsciously marked yourself down. Because it’s YOU who tells others what you’re worth by showing them what you are willing to accept for your time and attention. So get off the clearance rack. If you don’t value and respect yourself, wholeheartedly, no one else will either.
3. Your ability to make concrete decisions.
Fear of commitment…
You can’t live your life at the mercy of chance. You can’t stumble along with a map marked only with the places you fear, or the places you know you don’t want to revisit. You can’t remain trapped, endlessly, in a state where you are unable to ask for directions, even though you’re terribly lost, because you don’t know your destination.
You have to commit to ideas and goals that speak to you. You have to stand up, look at yourself in the mirror, and say, “It isn’t good enough for me to know only what I DON’T want in life. I need to decide what I DO want.” (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Goals and Success chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
4. Priceless opportunities and life experiences.
Fear of change and discomfort…
As Thich Nhat Hanh so perfectly said, “People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.”
In many cases you stay stuck in your old routines for no other reason than that they are familiar to you. In other words, you’re afraid of change and the unknown. You continually put your dreams and goals off until tomorrow, and you pass on great opportunities simply because they have the potential to lead you out of your comfort zone.
You start using excuses to justify your lack of backbone: “Someday when I have more experience,” or “when I’m older,” or the over-abused “I’ll get to it as soon as I have more time.” This is a vicious cycle that leads to a deeply unsatisfying life — a way of thinking that eventually sends you to your grave with some clear regrets… The regret that you didn’t follow your heart. The regret that you always put everyone else’s needs before your own. The regret that you didn’t do what you could have done when you had the chance.
5. General happiness and peace of mind.
Fear of facing inner truths…
If you keep looking for peace and happiness only outside yourself, you will never find it. Peace and happiness are found from within. What you seek is not somewhere else at some other time; what you seek is here and now, within you. The more you look for it somewhere else, the more it hides from you.
So pause, remember the source of your deepest desires, and allow yourself to know their presence. A choice, not circumstances, determines your inner peace and happiness. Each morning when you open your eyes, say to yourself: “I, not external people or events, have the power to make me feel good today. It’s up to me. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn’t come yet. I only have today and I’m going to make the best of it.” (Read “The Untethered Soul”.)
6. Your willingness to love, truly and purely.
Fear of not being loved in return…
Although it’s nice when gestures of love are returned, the intention of true love is one-way traffic. It’s a pure flow of giving and expecting nothing in return. Anything else is a contract. Notice how whenever you allow love to flow you are always clear, calm and strong. It is only when the thought arises, “What have they given me in return?” that there is confusion and resentment. Ego transacts, love transforms. Life is too short for all these meticulous contracts and transactions.
Look out for yourself by focusing your love in a direction that feels right to you, but once you decide to love, remain clear, remain bright, and remain strong. Love without constant contractual expectation. Don’t let fear get in your way. When the love you give is true, the people worthy of your love will gradually reveal themselves to you over time.
7. The right company.
Fear of being alone…
Sadly, no matter how much love you give, some relationships simply aren’t meant to be. You can try your hardest, you can do everything and say everything, but sometimes people just aren’t worth stressing over anymore, and they aren’t worth worrying about. It’s important to know when to distance yourself from someone who habitually hurts you and brings you down. Because when you give your love to someone, truly and purely without expectation, and it’s never good enough for them, there’s a good chance you’re giving your love to the wrong person.
The bottom line is that long-term relationships should help you, not hurt you. Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven, and kindheartedly like-minded. Remember that good relationships are a sacred bond — a circle of trust. Both parties must be 100% on board. And if the time comes to let a relationship go, don’t be hostile. Simply thank the relationships that don’t work out for you, because they just made room for the ones that ultimately will.
Now it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to realize that your biggest fears are completely dependent on you for their survival. Every new day is another chance to change your life, and it’s way too short to let fear interfere. So today, focus your conscious mind on things you desire, not things you fear. Doing so will undoubtedly bring positive results.
But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
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D Rapp says
Fear has robbed me of quite a lot, most of which you covered so well here. Here are some others:
Golden Opportunities: Fear makes any opportunity look scarier than what you already have in place. SO you default to stay the same without further exploration.
To Exceed Expectations: If you are afraid to meet the expectations (i.e. dissappoint) of someone else, than you won’t bother to try. If you are afraid to dissappoint yourself, you won’t try. This often happens because its been part of your past. And then your fear of failure overrides your potential gain or success. Fear wins by default. But if you keep trying, absorbing the failures, success comes closer…even if you cannot see it or feel it. People quit because of what they fear, not because of data, information, logic…knowledge.
Clear Communication: You start playing mind reader, and stop asking questions or broaching touchy subjects becasue you know it will upset the other person. I do this all the time. So I avoid the topic, stay silent, or work around the issue by myself…excluding the other person altogether. Its my biggest weakness and most profound fear in my marriage. Only very recently have I gotten the courage to just say it and let the chips fall where they may, 18 years into the relationship. Don’t make my mistake.
Dev says
I’ve always feared looking stupid in the eyes of others. It’s a fear that’s held me back quite often in the past, but one I’m slowly learning to cope with. For me it’s been about reading books and articles, and then putting what I read into action – small steps, working on my self-confidence, and working with close friends and family in social settings. It takes time to grasp, but rarely is anyone judging me I’ve found… it’s me judging me.
jez says
I really needed this post. Thanks much. I’ve been thinking of a way out of my present situation of monotony and comfort zone. These are dynamic reminders…
Betsy says
Fear for me is in #2 & #4. Since this post was written on my birthday, this is a sign. I read all of the points, but really do have a hard time applying them to ME in my particular situation. I enjoy reading all of your posts, and yes, I am taking bits and pieces of your advice, and the advice of all of the people, and taking one day at a time.
Thank you again and again.
CharleneExtreme says
Fear, specifically, fear of being insulted or humiliated publicly, has stolen my social life, my self esteem, my ability to meet to new friends. It needs to stop!!! Thanks for this reminder.
Rachel says
I have a fear of love not being reciprocated. It has stopped me from showing my own love, for fear it won’t be returned or will be rejected. I don’t know why I feel this way when with someone who spends so much time with me. Fear has made me think ridiculous thoughts, and has made me jeopardize a relationship with someone that I truly love. I’m learning to catch myself, but it’s an ongoing issue.
Naheed Naim says
*Sigh*
You’ve done it again Marc! I am speechless after reading my fears here. One more is ‘fear of doing it wrong’. This is the fear that stops me from doing any new thing for my life like the one that you’ve discussed in #3. Deciding and sticking with the own decisions seems too hard for me most of the time. In fact, I’m the one who’s mostly living a life of chances right now.
bo says
Living in fear of rejection in asking for what I want, today’s nugget of knowledge surely resonated – tired of suffering in silence…
Thich Nhat Hanh so perfectly said, “People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” Great quote.
Stan says
Thanks, Marc. What a great post. When I was younger I accomplished a lot due to not having fear of things. As I’ve grown older, I started developing fears, some because of bad experiences, but others for no logical reason. #3 hit me right between the eyes! I am working to get out of the inner prison I create by being fearful. It is not easy to break free, but I’m often told I’m persistent, so this is a way my persistence can pay off. Setting goals gives me some relief, as my desire to reach my goal makes me lose some of the fear of failure.
Melissa Webster says
#3 definitely. For a full month, while I was wallowing in fear and insecurity, I couldn’t make a decision on anything, which is way out of character for me. When I finally got sick of wallowing and forced myself to let it go, things became clear and started falling into place so I could make decisions again.
Great post!
Dean Sutherland says
What an awesome post! Personally speaking, all points you have made resonate with me as throughout my adult life I have experienced them all to some degree, some more so than others. #4 in particular was a big one for me, I was satisfied with staying in my comfort zone – this way I didn’t have to worry about what others thought, didn’t have to worry so much about failure, didn’t take any risks or capitalize on any good opportunities. When I hit 40 (call it a mid-life crisis) I felt empty and dissatisfied with my life in general. With the help of a friend who recognized my unhappiness (and he recognized this even though I was always outwardly upbeat and generally positive) I opted into some formal weekly coaching – changed everything!!
Life truly begins when you get out of your comfort zone, take some risks, be happy with and love yourself and who you are and go after what is passionate to you! I haven’t looked back since. It’s amazingly true that if you love and look after yourself first, everything good just follows! Thanks again for sharing these words of wisdom, cheers!!
Jan says
As always, phenomenal post! I’m so grateful.
I’ve let fear control my entire adult life. I have also sacrificed my own self and only focused on others’ happiness out of fear of leaving my comfort zone, fear of disappointing others by not committing to taking care of their needs, fear of rejection if I didn’t take a leadership role in something someone else needed. In not facing my fears, I’ve been untrue to my SELF.
I have suffered for the majority of my adult life because I have “what if’d” myself to the limit. “What if this happens? I’d better stay where I am — or, I’ll think about it tomorrow.” I have no kids, so I haven’t shared this trait with offspring (my mom is EXACTLY the same way about fears and comfort zone…so is my only sister….I’ve just started to realize it — and I’m sharing your wisdom with my mom and sister, too….) PLEASE be a role model and don’t allow your kids to fall into this fear trap because they see you stuck in it. They are counting on you to help them succeed!
Thich Nhat Hanh’s quote, “people have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar” is just so appropriate.
Again, thank you for yet another great post. I’m taking baby steps (conquering fears and changing my life), and I REFUSE to let fear keep me down any longer, darn it!!! Good luck, everybody. We’ll make it through this!
Captain Carl says
I am compelled to make a comment. Your explanation of fear and its dirty work has spoken to my core. I had to smile at myself as I started to write and was trying to decide on an alias to leave for my name because I was afraid someone I know might see my post and judge me…. 🙂 I worked for a psychologist remodeling his home. As we got to know each other, we became more candid. I was conscious of trying to come across as squared away. He was kind and fair. We became friends. One of his most cogent comments was “ I’ve never met someone as competent and confident with such low self esteem”. We had continuous conversations where he helped me with his ‘velvet glove of iron’. His one insight was curative. Another was “This chink in your armor is not going to go away. Find power and energy in your dignified efforts directed at a continuous maintenance. With ‘His’ help you can live contentedly with your ‘thorn in the flesh’.
Thank you for your role in my maintenance. (Since 2006)
David Cleroux says
6. “Although it’s nice when gestures of love are returned, the intention of true love is one-way traffic. It’s a pure flow of giving and expecting nothing in return. Anything else is a contract. Notice how whenever you allow love to flow you are always clear, calm and strong. It is only when the thought arises, “What have they given me in return?” that there is confusion and resentment.
Look out for yourself by focusing your love in a direction that feels right to you, but once you decide to love, remain clear, remain bright, and remain strong. Love without constant contractual expectation. Don’t let fear get in your way. When the love you give is true, the people worthy of your love will gradually reveal themselves to you over time.”
This is well said and something I leaned a long time ago. It’s reassuring to read it in print. Jesus once said “I seek not my own will but the will of him that sent me”, and that is my foremost thought. Sometimes the debris of living gets in the way and it’s not always easy to make the right decision, but after all is said and done, I have peace of mind and heart knowing that I’m one step closer to accomplishing His will in my life. Hugs.