by Christina Rasmussen, author of Where Did You Go?

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”
—Tuesdays with Morrie

In the days, weeks and months that followed my 35-year-old husband’s death, I swung between mind-numbing grief and an insatiable search for him, for his essence.  One moment I was painfully sad, the next moment I was hunting for his ghost, spirit body, soul—anything that was him.

Even though I’d been brought up Greek Orthodox, my religious background didn’t help me.  In fact, immediately trying to apply my faith to my dire circumstances actually deepened my doubts about what faith really meant to me, my two young daughters, and life in general, that someone we loved dearly was now in a place called heaven, or the afterlife.

The journey that started the day my husband died has been the most important journey of my life.  I spent those first few years after his passing barely surviving.  Living day in and day out inside a [Read more…]

It’s that time of the year again.  ‘Tis the season of family vacations, holiday parties, and awkward celebratory work functions.  And whenever large groups of us are forced to share the same space for too long, especially after hours when alcohol and exhaustion are factored in, there’s a fairly high potential for unnecessary drama.

I was reminded of this today when a new course student emailed me saying:

“I have difficult people in my family and social circles that I have to deal with at various holiday-related gatherings over the next several weeks, and just thinking about it drives me crazy.  What can I do when these difficult people start getting on my nerves—which is inevitable?  How do I shield myself from their negative behavior so I can keep my cool?  And what if I can’t completely get away from them?  Any advice would be greatly appreciated.”

Truly, it’s a [Read more…]

On a chilly evening 18 years ago, after spending nearly every waking minute with Angel for eight straight days, I knew I had to tell her just one thing.  So late at night, just before she fell asleep, I whispered it in her ear.  She smiled … the kind of smile that makes me smile back.  And she said, “When I’m 75, and I think about my life and what it was like to be young, I hope I can remember this very moment.”

A few seconds later she closed her eyes and fell asleep.  The room was peaceful … almost silent.  All I could hear was the soft purr of her breathing.  I stayed awake thinking about the time we’d spent together and all the choices in our lives that made this moment possible.  And at some point, I realized it didn’t matter what we’d done or where we’d gone.  Nor did the future hold any significance.

All that mattered was [Read more…]

On a chilly November night 18 years ago…

I would have preferred not to write to you.  In fact, about a week ago, I put a post-it note on my computer monitor that said, “What would Skyman do?” (Skyman is my cat).  It was supposed to remind me not to do things that Skyman wouldn’t do.

Skyman would just wag his tail or wiggle his little nose and hope that whoever he’s wagging or wiggling to understands that he’s hungry, or lonely, or in love, or whatever.  But he certainly wouldn’t write a silly love letter to the coolest girl he knows.  Because he can’t form complex thoughts.  And because he’s smart enough not to be so stupid.

This evening, the post-it note fell off my computer monitor and landed on the floor.  And although post-it notes usually lose their stick after a few days, this one was different.  It was still really sticky and shouldn’t have come unstuck.  And it was light green, which is the color of your eyes.  These were obvious signs I couldn’t ignore.

So, I decided to write to you…  To tell you that [Read more…]

We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.
– Albert Einstein

Never Forgive Him

She showed up at my front door before work at 7am this morning with the most troubled, despondent expression on her face (which is not typical of her disposition).  “I’m sorry I didn’t call,” she said.  “But I haven’t slept all night, and I really need to talk to someone.  I just need some advice.”

I invited her in and poured her a cup of coffee.  “So, what’s on your mind?” I asked.

“Last night my husband told me something about his college years that he never told me before,” she said in a shaky voice.  “And I completely disagree with his actions.  It’s horrible, really… and I just can’t stop thinking about it!  I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive him.”

“Well, before you tell me anything else, let me ask you this: Why do you think [Read more…]