When we are judging everyone and everything, we are learning nothing.

One of the most incredible changes I’ve made in my life, which has undoubtedly made me a happier person and a better friend, is learning to let go of judging people.

Now, I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I don’t ever judge others – we all have a tendency to do so by default… it’s a human instinct, and I’m not the exception. But I have learned to catch myself, and to recognize how judging is harmful.

Notice I say “harmful” instead of “bad,” because instead of judging myself, I’d rather observe that the act of judging causes harm.

What underlying harmful conditions are indicated by my tendency to judge people? It varies, but in many cases these points apply…

• I don’t know everyone’s full story and I’m therefore ignorant of what most people are going through.
• I have unrealistic and unjustified expectations of people.
• I subconsciously believe that I’m somehow better than the people I’m judging.
• I’m being a bit self-absorbed and egotistical.
• I’ve lost sight of being grateful for my own blessings and compassionate to those who aren’t as fortunate.
• I’m not being curious or willing to learn, but instead I’m judging and rejecting people who are different than me.
• I can’t possibly help the present situation from a place of judgment.

How Judging Someone Transpires

Let me give you a personal example of how judging someone plays out so we can see how the harmful conditions above transpire:

I visit an old friend who [Read more…]

NEW BOOK ALERT: This post is a direct excerpt from the Self-Love & Self-Worth section of our brand new book, “1000 Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships“.

Let’s start with a story that Marc wrote about the night we met . . .

She has light brown hair, a seductive smile, and the most engaging set of hazel-green eyes I’ve ever seen.  It’s the kind of engaging I can’t ignore—the kind that makes me want to engage too.  Because she’s mysterious.  And I’m curious.  And I need to know more.

Yet, I do my best to avoid making eye contact.  So I stare down at the pool table and pretend to study my opponent’s next move.  But only long enough for her to look the other way, so I can once again catch a glimpse of magnificence.

I do this, not because she intimidates me, but because I think she may be the girl Chad met last night.  A wild night that, he said, “involved two bottles of port wine, chocolate cake, and sweaty bed sheets.”

Then, just as her eyes unexpectedly meet mine, [Read more…]

(NEW BOOK ALERT: This post is a direct excerpt from the Children & Family section of our forthcoming book, “1000 Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships“.)

Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Sometimes, however, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.

Letting go of (or breaking up with) a toxic friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend is one thing, and there’s plenty of advice out there for doing so, but what about letting go of a toxic family member?

Most of us are not in a position to just walk away, nor do we feel that we want to, or that it’s the right thing to do. So what do we do when a family member is literally spoiling our lives with their toxicity? How do we deal with our feelings of obligation, confusion, betrayal, and heartache?

First and foremost, you must accept the fact that not everyone’s family is healthy or available for them to lean on, to call on, or to go home to. Not every family tie is built on the premise of mutual respect, love and support. Sometimes “family” simply means that you share a bloodline. That’s all. Some family members build us up, and some break us down. So just because someone is blood-related to you, doesn’t automatically make them the healthiest influence in your life.

Second, you must understand that a toxic family member may be going through a difficult stage in their lives. They may be ill, chronically worried, or lacking what they need in terms of love and emotional support. Such people need to be listened to, supported, and cared for (although whatever the cause of their troubles, you may still need to protect yourself from their toxic behavior at times).

The key thing to keep in mind is that every case of dealing with a toxic family member is a little different, but in any and every case, there are some universal principles we need to remember, for our own sake: [Read more…]

Be with those who bring out the best in you, not the stress in you.

This past Saturday, while Angel and I were enjoying a safe and peaceful backyard barbecue at our friend Sara’s house, her 16-year-old foster child, Cody, received an unexpected visit from his biological mother – a woman who has been in and out of prison and rehab her whole life. Although Sara was a bit hesitant about it, she let Cody and his mother talk privately on the front porch. We occasionally eavesdropped from the living room window just to make sure everything was okay.

Cody’s mother was extremely rough around the edges and almost immediately started bringing up hurtful memories from the past. About 20 minutes into the conversation, she told him, “I see your anger, and I just wish I could go back in time and raise you again, to change who you are and give you a better upbringing.” Sara was about to walk out onto the porch to interject when Cody calmly replied, “I’m not angry. I’m perfectly fine, thank you. I’m proud of who I am. Maybe you should go even further back in time and change who you are instead.” And then he walked his mother to the front steps of the porch and politely asked her to leave.

Cody’s response impressed me on so many levels. It takes a lot of courage, especially at 16 years of age, with a rough upbringing, to tactfully stand up for yourself. And he handled himself with grace.

So, whenever you’re dealing with a difficult or hostile person, remember how Cody handled himself. Take a stand! Set some boundaries! This is your life. You may not be able to control all the things people do to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. You can decide not to let their actions and opinions invade your heart and mind. And above all, you can decide whom to walk beside into tomorrow, and whom to leave behind today.

It’s time to… [Read more…]

(NEW BOOK ALERT: This post is a direct excerpt from the Boundaries & Expectations section of our forthcoming book, “1000 Little Habits of Happy, Successful Relationships“.)

It’s not always where you are in life, but who you have by your side that matters.

“How do I know if I’m in the right relationship or not?”

This is one of the most common questions our coaching clients ask us. And after Marc and I listen to the specifics of their situation, we often toss a question back at them to further clarify their thoughts and expectations. For instance:

“What do you think a “right relationship” should provide for the people in it?”

Although the answer here is obviously subjective, in all relationships, romantic and platonic alike, there are some clear signs that things are going well. So today, let’s take a look at some signs you’re in the “right relationship,” along with corresponding tips that could potentially help you make a “wrong relationship” right:

1. No games are being played.

Far too often, we make our relationships harder than they have to be. The difficulties started when… conversations became texting, feelings became subliminal, sex became a game, the word “love” fell out of context, trust faded as honesty waned, insecurities became a way of living, jealously became a habit, being hurt started to feel natural, and running away from it all became our solution. Stop running! Face these issues, fix the problems, communicate, appreciate, forgive and LOVE the people in your life who deserve it. And of course, if you feel like someone is playing games with you, speak up and establish some boundaries.

2. Everyone is on the same page.

If a woman starts out all casual with a man and [Read more…]