“There’s a saying in Tibetan philosophy, “Tragedy should be used as a source of strength.” My grandmother always repeated this line to me when I was growing up. Every time I dealt with some kind of adversity, she would graciously remind me that my current struggles were helping me grow stronger.
Sometimes, though, in the midst of chaotic stress and hardship, it’s almost impossible to maintain such a positive perspective. That’s where the five reminders below come into play. I review them from time to time to remind myself that my struggles are giving me an opportunity to grow, and to use what I’ve learned to make a positive difference. Today, I pass them on to you in hopes that they help you find some extra inner strength and peace when you need it most.
1. Your troubles are gradually improving you.
“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
?Maya Angelou
Someday when you least expect it life will blindside you with necessary chaos. And once the chaos has ended, you won’t remember exactly how it all transpired, how you made it through, or where you found the strength you needed to carry on. You won’t even be sure whether the chaos has completely ended. But there is one thing you can be sure about: When it does finally come to an end, you will be a much stronger person than who you were before it happened, which is precisely why it was necessary.
So let your scars remind you that you did indeed survive your deepest wounds. This in itself is a major accomplishment. And let them continue to bring to mind the fact that the damage life has inflicted on you has, in many ways and places, left you stronger and more resilient. What hurt you in the past has actually made you better equipped to face the present.
2. You are strong enough to cope with life’s necessary ups and downs.
“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling,
but in rising every time we fall.”
? Nelson Mandela
Although it may be hard to see, the human capacity for pain and hardship is like bamboo – far more flexible than you would ever believe at first glance.
Sadly, we are often taught at an early age that all pain is evil and harmful. Yet, how can we ever deal with real life and true love if we’re afraid to feel what we really feel? We need to feel pain, just as we need to feel alive and loved. Pain is meant to wake us up. Yet we try to hide our pain. Realize this. Pain is something to carry willingly, just like good sense. Because you can only learn how strong you are when being strong is the only choice you have.
And remember that it isn’t just the big struggles in life that require this kind of strength of character and resilience. With the right moral support behind them, almost anybody can rise up for a short time to face a crisis or a crushing tragedy with courage, but to meet the petty troubles and unexpected hazards of each day with a laugh – that requires a strong spirit.
This is the kind of strength you should strive to develop daily. Realize that that all of life is simply a game that you must play as skillfully and fairly as you possibly can. If you lose a round, learn to shrug your shoulders and laugh, and do the same when you win. (Read The Last Lecture.)
3. Your fears only exist in your head.
“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
?Eleanor Roosevelt
Fears are thoughts, not realities. And courage is the cure.
Can you be courageous even if you are scared to death? Of course – in fact, that’s the only time you truly can be courageous. Courage is not the absence of fear; it is being fearful and doing it anyway.
You must be daring enough to dare. Taking no chances means wasting your dreams. Yes, it will be nerve-racking at times, but don’t be afraid of your fears. They’re not there to stop you; they’re there to let you know that your dreams are meaningful and worthy of the effort and personal growth required to achieve them.
When times are hard it can be difficult to follow your heart and take another step, but it’s a tragedy to let the lies of fear stop you. Although fear can feel overwhelming, and defeats more people than any other force in the world, it’s not as powerful as it seems. Fear is only as deep as your mind allows. You are still in control. So take control!
The key is to acknowledge your fear and directly address it. Fight hard to shine the light of your words upon it. Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless, obscure darkness that you avoid, and perhaps even manage to briefly forget, you open yourself to future attacks from fear when you least expect it. Because you never truly faced the opponent who defeated you. (Read Daring Greatly.)
4. You are in control of your present thoughts, actions, and reactions.
“You have power over your mind, not outside events.
Realize this, and you will find strength.”
?Marcus Aurelius
What you might think of as your destiny is really just your circumstances, and these circumstances can be modified. Understanding that you are fully responsible and in control of your circumstances through your actions and attitude is crucial. This realization does not need to be a discouraging either, because it simply means you are free to make changes as you see fit.
Regardless of what has happened in your life, you are not chained to the past. It may have shaped your feelings toward yourself, your abilities, and what seems possible based on your background, but all of this can be modified if you are willing to examine how the past has shaped your present thinking. In other words, you can change your life by changing your thoughts, provided you have the courage to dissect the origins that created them.
So do not let the pain of a situation make you hopeless. Do not let negativity wear off on you. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Even though others may disagree with you, take pride in the fact that you still know the world to be an amazing place. Carry on accordingly.
5. YOU are worthy of YOUR love, attention, and respect.
“To say ‘I love you’ one must know first how to say the ‘I.’”
?Ayn Rand
Love is the force of life. Where there is love inside you, there is life inside you.
When you are unsure and unwilling, you pull back from life. When you are loving and accepting, you open yourself to all the greatness life has to offer. You need to learn to love yourself first, with all your eccentricity and imperfections. If you can’t open your heart and mind to yourself, you can’t possibly open them to love others or any passions buried inside you.
When self-love is present, you can take risks and experience curiosities, astonishments, sudden joy, or any occurrence that reveals the beauty of your growing spirit. Even if things don’t turn out as planned, you still have a foundation of love and acceptance within you to fall back on. Because when you continue to love yourself even when it hurts, eventually there will be no more hurt, only more love.
So remember…
Too many people overvalue what they are NOT and undervalue what they are. Don’t be one of them.
Self-respect, self-worth, and self-love. There’s a reason they all start with “self.” You can’t receive them from anyone else. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
Closing Thoughts
“Tough times don’t last – tough people do.” Repeat this to yourself as often as you need to.
From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story – a story that says, “I learned and I survived.” There are moments when troubles enter your life and you can do nothing to avoid them, but they are there for a reason. Only when you have overcome them will you understand why they were there. So be brave and press forward. You will not see the light at the end of the tunnel until you walk through the darkness.
Your turn…
What would you add to the list? What little reminders (wisdom, quotes, lyrics, etc.) do you review to find inner strength and peace in times of grief? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights?
Sandra Pawula says
I found the first two points in particular a very moving reminder to use pain for all the insight, strength, and wisdom you can gain.
Naturally, I wish I could take away the suffering of the world and that no one would feel pain for even a moment. But since pain exists, it’s so kind of you to share these reminders.
J.J. says
Since mental noise is the greatest plague of positive, productive thinking, when life slaps me with grief, I simply remind myself to pause and meditate and be present… To remember that this moment is all I can control. I used to think it was woo-woo and kind of lame, myself, but after going through insanely rough times, I can say that presence is the best medicine. Everything afterwards is like seeing clearly in HD – reality as it is, and not what your mind would like to see.
As I’ve said before, your “1,000 Little Things” book has been instrumental in getting my mindset right. I’ve used it religiously for quick daily reminders (reading or re-reading a page or two). And “The Power of Now”, which you often recommend on this blog, is what helped me learn to practice presence. So thank you again, Marc (and Angel).
Christian says
Love this post and totally agree with your points. I think the biggest key is #4. The most empowering thing to realize is that no matter what you have been through in your life, you have the power to make a healthy choice and not let any person or situation get the better of you…you are stronger than you think and the human spirit is capable of the impossible! Believe it!
Choose beliefs that serve you. (Hint: Yes, you can [and do] choose your beliefs; and beliefs that serve others, serve you as well.)
What you focus on expands and becomes your reality. Be careful what you focus on and focus on what you want to create and become. If you focus on what you don’t want, that is exactly what you will get.
Sean Morin says
To add to the list: I have found that one of the most effective thing to remember when life gets rough is that when one door of opportunity closes, another opens. So I focus on not trying to beat down that closed door, which gets me nowhere, but instead to look around and see where there’s another one opening…
BlackDiamond says
Another brilliant and timely post. So many points resonated with me but it was the conclusion that really summarized it beautifully.
From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story – a story that says, “I learned and I survived.” There are moments when troubles enter your life and you can do nothing to avoid them, but they are there for a reason. Only when you have overcome them will you understand why they were there. So be brave and press forward. You will not see the light at the end of the tunnel until you walk through the darkness.
Thanks for the enlightenment as always.
Najma says
It was such an energetic post. I’m actually in trouble now-a-days. My husband cheated, ditched me and 4 kids…elder 20 and youngest 13. We are in pain. We had difficult times but I supported him, and when good times came there was another woman. I don’t know exactly how to cope and control myself, but this post helps. IT WAS GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU.
David Rapp says
My overall concern is with selfish, self-centered, and self-conscious. The world wants the show, and that is what they get. It would be great to blow off all the naysayers, critics, and under-miners…but its just not that easy. Especially when you are the one doing it to yourself.
Diana says
I like these short list posts because they really help me focus on the most important points. I was taught that we were put on this world to suffer and I always hated that, but you have managed to put a positive spin on suffering with this post that I can embrace.
I also love the quotes that summarize the point you explain. My favorite here is the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt about doing something everyday that scares you. It truly does work at abolishing unfounded fears and develops self esteem when you conquer them.
Nathalie says
Hi,
I just wanted to let you know what an amazing inspiration your site transfers to me, and I am pretty sure to a lot of other people out there.
I read through lots of blogs each day that are similar to yours, but yours is the most outstanding one. Similar to yours is actually an insult, because your website is so much more influential than all the others I have gone through. Your words go really deep, and it really helps to experience a better mood or hope again, after reading your articles.
Thank you very very much for that, and continue like that please, I will definitely follow you.
All the best,
Nathalie
Elin says
In pain you deeply connect and meet yourself. There is no hiding from asking yourself deep life deepening questions when you run into grief. You will find yourself and your inner strength if you do not surrender to the darkness. Choose life even in times when you are questioning the meaning of it. All feelings are welcome as long as you are welcoming them with love and an open heart.
Francine says
It helps to take things one day at a time. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is a promise – all we have is today and now. I’m choosing to live in today and deal with today.
Dianne says
“So let your scars remind you that you did survive your deepest wounds…
This in itself is a major accomplishment.”
These two statements bring me such peace.
Thanks for sharing, can’t think of a better way to start the day.
Warmest regards,
Dianne
Lindy Allen says
I have been in two situations lately that were really harder than I expected…..I am completely drained…..what I discovered was the people involved didn’t care for my feelings…..it was all about them…..this week I’ll be taking care of myself!!
Jake Mcspirit says
Point 4 is such a gentle reminder to such a powerful thing.
The present moment is very under-appreciated in this society. It’s always about tomorrow, next week, next holiday, the weekend, etc. — people forget that their lives are happening right now!
Thanks for this. 🙂
Nora says
A reminder of what someone told me years ago:
Feel the fear and DO IT anyway. Pointing to the importance of action.
And then my favorite version of the serenity prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (people places and things). The courage to change the things I can (myself) and the wisdom to know the difference.
Have a great day!
Catherine L. says
The world is full of suffering, but it is full also of the overcoming of it. (Helen Keller)
Vicker says
Jesus!!! The closing thought inspired me the most. “So be brave and press forward. You will not see the light at the end of the tunnel until you walk through the darkness.” this is so true. Sometimes I wonder if Marc and Angel were God who came down to Earth themselves to save many people from misery through these write-ups. I usually don’t comment here often, but for three years I’ve been reading articles from this blog – my life has been better. Huge “THANKS” to you guys. God bless!
Jacqueline says
Oh.. this is a subject is very close to me, having had so many challenges that have caused me to have fear. It is very hard, but painful things have taught and helped me to connect with other hurting people and hopefully be a source of strength to each other. I honestly believe no one is alone.
Proverbs 3v5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge him and He will direct your steps.
Some painful things can never be explained and can cause no end of discouragement and sorrow, but I am still learning… little steps and facing fears bit by bit. Remaining thankful is also saving grace… to know who I am in the Lord’s eyes and doing my best to trust him is enough for me.
Love, Jacqueline xxxxxx
Absolutely Tara says
Great post. I think being able to find purpose in a tough time gives us the extra grit we need to overcome it instead of being swallowed by it. Thanks for sharing.
-Tara
Laura J Tong says
Wow, I have to say Marc, your first heading totally pulled me up short, this is such an encouraging message about difficult times; ‘Your troubles are gradually improving you’ – it’s the ‘gradually’ part that’s usually missing (even in very the best intentioned). How much clearer is it to see the positive when we can think about it happening gradually, over time, with each new hurdle in life. That’s incredibly powerful if we give it time to sink in. Thank you.
Brenda Merida says
I always associate with everything you write, but this one really “hit home”. Often times I have said that every tragedy is a comedy when it is over. I often laugh when remembering some of the terrible things I have gone through and survived. It makes me realize how strong I can be. I have lost many people and possessions, which I am still grieving over; waiting for that to go away. It is hard to be content where I am at the moment, but I have to look at some people who are having some pretty rough times now; I have to be grateful for where I am and get off that PITY POT!
Ridhi says
You are so accurately helpful!
Chas says
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Anne Ricci says
Hi Marc,
I think it’s great irony of history that this saying in your opening is Tibetan. They must be one of the strongest people on earth 🙂
I love what you say in this post about resilience and the fact that “What hurt you in the past has actually made you better equipped to face the present.”
I find this to be totally true for me; I am a big fan of Boris Cyrulnik and his books deeply resonated with me. I have also found that a great many successful people in business or other endeavours were also highly resilient.
Annie S says
Thank you Marc and Angel, I am going through a time of great emotional pain and just as I thought Iwould never get through it, i stumbled across your pages. Now, thanks to your insight and encouragement, I know I will survive this and whatever the outcome, it will be the right one for me. I dont know which path I will soon be travelling, but I know it will be the right one and I welcome it! Thank you for bringing me back to the person I am, not what others think I am.
Sakhile says
I was suicidal these past few days. I have been through a lot stayed strong, but I felt like I could not take it anymore. After my eighteen year old brother was arrested I lost it. I even wrote the suicide note. I looked through my pictures and realized that I have had many good times and overcame a lot. If I could do it then, I can do it again.
Sakhile says
Thank you. I am in a really dark tunnel right now because of what is happening around and to me. It is very encouraging that I can control myself and my reaction. I am still in control of my life.
Paul Govan says
Hi Marc,
Wow, this is a great list. Since I can relate to every point. I’ll just say that the first one really struck me.
The most painful times in my life, while at the time seemed like life-ending disasters, have always turned out to be the BEST things that have happened to me.
I would never have learned some of the painful lessons I needed to learn in life without going through the pain.
And that relates to your second point.
Whenever I’ve dealt with seriously painful times in my life, no matter how hard, I’ve realized that I can handle a great deal of pain and still come out stronger. Thanks for sharing.
Paul
muyiwa says
I am happy to tell you guys that I made my papers. Always put your trust in GOD and do your best. 🙂
Holly says
Sometimes life throws so much at you that it takes all the strength you have just to show up. But that’s half the battle and remembering the points you make help with the next half. Thank you for your ideas.
Pique Dan says
Everybody wants an easy life. But an easy life will make you an easy person. It’s strange but everyone has a difficult life.After everything is over we realize that we have grown into a better and a stronger person.
Captain Kirk says
Marc and Angel…
I have followed your inspiring blog for months. Your talents, skills, and life experience flow through your many inspirational and encouraging articles.
I truly appreciate your passion for serving others by sharing your mind, heart, and coaching experience with all of us. Clearly, the emotional comments and expressions of appreciation from our community, serves as a testimonial that you are opening the minds and reaching the hearts of many people.
Thank you for devoting your valuable time to inspire, motivate, encourage, and comfort all of us.
Captain Kirk says
Marc…
Today’s post reminds me two life lessons (reminders) that keep me centered when experiencing an adversity or challenge.
The first is related to FEAR. Often our fears are merely expectations that never happen. Therefore, this is a creative reminder.
False
Expectations
Appearing
Real.
The second reminder is related to the past, present, and the future.
The past is BEHIND us.
The future is BEFORE us.
The PRESENT is NOW (in the moment)….
That is why we call it…a GIFT!
Enjoy the GIFT of life.
Marc Chernoff says
@Sakhile: Yes, you can! 🙂
@Everyone: THANK YOU for being a part of our community. Angel and I always sit down to read your comments, and we’re never disappointed. Your feedback and shared insight inspires us to get the next article written. 🙂
Clifton McKnight says
Thank you Marc (and Angel). So much of what you say resonates with the message in and in the title of my Amazon, #1 bestselling book, “If you can’t calm the waters learn to ride the waves: How to Succeed in Turbulent Times. ” Strategies noted in this book and on some of our apparel include using the resources of “People, Prayer and Perspective. ” Our resources help those in the midst of struggle to replace powerlessness and pain with possibility and peace, to move from pointlessness to purpose. Love what you are doing. Let’s keep helping one another to “calm the waters or ride the waves.” I will be checking out your work. Thanks again.
Donna, Walks In Spirit says
Grief is heartbreaking and spirit crushing. Sometimes the thing we grieve are the paths not traveled, missed opportunities, love misplaced, or loved ones lost.
That crumpling, wrenching thing that grief does to us hurts and minimizes us, we think. Having experienced grief from both sides–the sufferer and the observer (as a medium)–I can say that it is transformative, in positive way, if we let it. I may not always be happier after grieving, but I am inevitably stronger, more resilient and more attentive when joy pops up.
Everything must end. Hopefully we’ve become endowed with the best of what/who we’ve grieved.
God bless those of you currently in the midst of loss.
I’m celebrating my Life Day tomorrow. I grieved the loss of myself 30 years ago when a car accident wiped my memory and self clean. Without that experience, I can’t imagine who I’d be today. Do I wish it’d never happened? Yes. The pain was unbearable at times.
But I live and I love. So I celebrate. I invite you to come join me over on my blog tomorrow, walksinspiritllc.com, just to say hi and give voice to what you’re thankful for.
Thanks Marc and Angel for these inspirational posts.
Farah says
its not gonna be easy, but when you know why these things happen, its much lighter even though its a lil bit painful. you will know that you are on the right path.
Ejike John says
My friend said something one day and since then I have never forgotten that statement. He said “Whatever comes to a man is equal to the man.”
It was the first time I was hearing this quote and I really put a thought to it.
Truly, when you are faced with challenges in life, these challenges are not there to break you, they are there to make you strong. So giving up hope on yourself and allowing your negativity to get the best of you is the worst thing that can ever happen to you.
You have to keep your head high and learn from every experience you gather in life.
Matthew Mesler says
Even when there is more love, There is a tiny bit of pain left.