There is a purpose for everyone you will ever meet. Some will test you, some will teach you, and some will bring out the very best in you.
You never know when life is about to teach you a new lesson. You simply can’t plan for it. Some lessons just seem to sneak up on you when you least expect them. This is especially true when it comes to relationships. There have been times in my personal and professional relationships when I wish a lesson had come a bit earlier, to save me from heartache and the wasted time and energy of learning things the hard way.
That being said, I am grateful for every lesson my relationships have taught me over the years because I am now better equipped to deal with rough patches when they arise. And that’s exactly what I want cover with you today – eight things I’ve learned to keep in mind when a relationship gets rough. These aren’t solutions to specific problems, but rather simple reminders that will help you look at many common relationship problems more objectively.
1. Every one of us is struggling in some way.
It’s impossible to know exactly how another person is feeling or what kind of emotional battles they’re fighting. Sometimes the widest smiles hide the thinnest strands of self-confidence and hope. Sometimes the ‘rich’ have everything but happiness. Realize this as you interact with others, long before you pass judgment. Every smile or sign of strength hides an inner struggle every bit as complex and extraordinary as your own.
It’s a sage fact of life, really, that every one of us encompasses a profound and unique set of secrets and mysteries that are absolutely undetectable to everyone else, including those closest to us.
2. Some people will put you down no matter what you do.
Yes, there will be those who are critical of you regardless of what you do or how well you do it. If you say you want to be a dancer, they will discredit your rhythm. If you say you want to build a new business, they will give you a dozen reasons why it might not work. They somehow assume you don’t have what it takes, but they are dead wrong.
Do not engage deeply in a relationship that is holding you back, day in and day out.
It’s a lot easier to be negative than positive – a lot easier to be critical than correct. When you’re embarking on a new venture, instead of listening to the few critics that will try to discredit you, spend time talking to one of the millions of people in this world who are willing to support your efforts and acknowledge your potential. (Read Emotional Vampires.)
3. Resentment only hurts its holder.
Holding a resentful grudge is like drinking toxic venom and waiting for the other person to grow ill. It’s an exercise in futility. And just as toxic venom is to the human body, so is resentment to the human spirit – even one tiny bit is bad for you.
Don’t magnify life’s difficulties by filling your mind with resentment. Instead, ease your burdens by choosing to let them go. If you feel resentful feelings starting to take hold, stop and consider the fact that there’s nothing to be gained by bringing yourself down over what has already happened.
Let today be the day you stop letting the ghosts of yesterday haunt you. Let today be the day you stop poisoning yourself with needless hatred. Forget about getting even with someone who hurt you, and instead get even with those who have helped.
4. Forgiveness is the only path to peace of mind.
When someone has hurt you it’s hard to be peaceful. But you do it anyway because you know peace is the only battle worth waging. Peace is beautiful; it is the manifestation of your love and the best resolution for a brighter future.
Being peaceful is hard sometimes – much harder than being angry and vengeful. It requires you to stay calm and let go of the pain. It requires you to forgive and move on. Of course, you don’t do these things just for the person who has hurt you, but for your own well-being.
5. True love is real and worth working for.
Whether it’s a friendship or an intimate relationship, when someone loves you, you know it. When they look your way, the world looks better. When they say your name, the world sounds better. When they touch your skin, the world feels better. You know your soul is safe in their care.
But even more so than any physical interaction, there’s a silent connection between you that you can feel in your veins. You can sit in front of them for hours, without saying a word or moving a muscle, and yet still feel them with your heart. It’s almost like they’ve always been a part of you – like a long lost fragment of your essence has found its way home.
It’s important to note though, that you learn about this kind of love slowly as a relationship grows. It’s not something you realize all at once. It’s about how two people treat each other, respect each other, and work together over a prolonged period, through good times and bad. (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
6. It is our imperfections that ultimately attract us to each other.
If you’re still searching for the perfect partner or friendship, stop. There’s no such thing. There are only different flavors of imperfect ones. In fact, you are just as imperfect as the partner or friend you seek. You simply need to find someone whose imperfections complement your own.
This process doesn’t happen overnight.
It takes a lot of living to grow into the realization of your own imperfections. It takes lots of life experience before you bump into your deepest inner demons, your greatest flaws, and all the idiosyncrasies that make you, YOU. And it’s only after you meet these imperfect parts of yourself that you know who you are looking for – someone whose scars and flaws fit your own – someone who’s imperfect in the perfect way for you.
7. We all bring positivity and negativity into our relationships.
Be careful not to continuously doubt the positives of your partner (or friend) and then ignore your own negative behavior. You likely do this more often than you think. For instance, you will say to your partner dozens of times: Do you really love me? Are you sure? And ask similar questions that doubt the existence of their love. But you will rarely ask: Does this upset you? Are you sure? And similar questions that have the potential to resolve conflict before it starts.
This imbalance creates tension on both sides of the equation. The positive things become more burdensome while the negatives fester in the background, unresolved. Bottom line: Have faith in the positives as you work on turning the negatives around, or simply accepting them.
8. Spending time alone is necessary.
Relationships with others are important, but you need alone time sometimes, because when you’re in solitude you’re free from obligations and external pressures. You’re free to be YOU without being fancy and putting on a show. You’re able to hear your own thoughts and follow through with them, sincerely.
Go ahead and find a quiet place. Stretch your boundaries. Explore places you’ve never been. Go so far away from what you know that you stop being afraid of the unfamiliar.
Cherish your time alone. Take long walks and drives by yourself. Watch sunsets and sunrises silently in peace. Teach yourself something new. Read books. Write poetry. Sing along to your favorite songs. Check your instincts and follow them on your own time, without third party influence. Decide if fitting in 24/7 is more important than discovering who you truly are and what you’re here to do. Once you’ve got a handle on this, relationships with others get a lot easier. (Marc and I discuss this in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
Afterthoughts
All relationships, including the one you have with yourself, require patience and work. No meaningful relationship will work flawlessly all the time. Being too black and white about the expectations of what should or shouldn’t happen in a relationship always spells trouble. No matter what, there will be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good. Instead of constantly looking for signs of what’s not working in your relationships, what you need to do is look for signs of what is. Because, as you know, what we focus on grows.
Your turn…
What would you add to the list? What do you try to keep in mind when a relationship gets rough? Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with the community.
Photo by: Nattu
Ben Pruett says
Another nice relationship reminder I read either in your book or in one of your emails awhile back that resonates with me:
When times get tough, don’t be afraid to be the one who loves more (or to put it another way…love all you can and don’t keep score).
Angel Chernoff says
I’m so happy you’re getting value from our book, Ben. Thanks for the kindness.
Laura says
I always seem to read your words at just the right time in my life. #8 resonates deeply. Years ago someone told me…
“You are guaranteed to wake up with yourself every morning of your life. If you can’t love yourself, then you can’t give real love to anyone else you wake up with.”
I thought it was “nice” advice. Till I realized how much I really didn’t like myself and how that affected the people I attracted to me.
I knew then that I had to find ways to change, and to begin the process of loving myself. Your blog and course have been instrumental in getting me back on track. Thanks so much.
J.J. says
Great read! Lots of insightful nuggets. Something I’d add to #1: Don’t be scared to help someone you love when you think they’re struggling. Simply asking “What can I do to help you in the next few minutes?” can work wonders in certain relationship situations where tension is building. Also, I think the questions you suggest in this post are fantastic additions to this topic: 6 Questions that Will Save Your Relationships
Angel Chernoff says
You’re absolutely right, J.J.. That archived post is a great supplement to this post.
Ejike John says
You guys really did a great job here. Relationships are about two different people. You don’t just come together and everything works out fine. You both need to put in a lot of work into understanding yourselves and that demand patience.
Keep up the good work. Love your posts.
Wolf Krammel says
When you sense that your relationship is getting a little difficult to handle, you must make up your mind to save your relationship which is based on love. Trust each other and share views openly with each other. Go out with her on dating and do activities that would further build your love.
Angel Chernoff says
Beautiful sentiment, Wolf. I couldn’t agree more.
Yatin Khulbe says
Many times relationships have to pass the roughness test. After these dull phases only, the bond strengthens in a proper manner. The couples need to accept their faults.
I want to add one more point – There is no need to make lame excuses. No one is doing any favor on anyone. There is no one superior or inferior in a relationship. Each partner must share everything and clarify everything. There is no use to leave the loopholes. All the confusing conversations must end on a positive note.
Thanks, Angel, for coming up with this post. Lots of love.
Angel Chernoff says
You got it, Yatin. Excuses are not needed, ever. Just the truth.
Demetria says
Thank you so much, Angel! I cannot thank you enough for this, at the precisely right moment. Gratitude.
Gai Nguyen says
Spending time alone is essential to consolidating your mind and physical health. If you can do yoga, or meditation, it’s better. When you get together with others, they should be of some values to you, otherwise it’s a waste of time, and it’s even worse, when it gets your mind polluted with their empty words and weakness of their soul.
Elaine says
I agree. Time spent alone is a whole ‘nother subject. I believe it is absolutely essential to knowing yourself, and learning to love yourself. We all could use lessons on being alone productively.
Rose says
I personally like meeting strangers then they are no longer strangers… I now have acquired a new friend. I enjoy being alone too;
Sometimes I am very self assured and yet can feel pain when I dwell too long on something of little significance to me… its as though little crazy things can get to me, big things I can handle and take charge, but little things irk me to no end. It’s a learning process and I am getting better.
I really enjoy reading every single article Marc and Angel write and also love their book. 🙂
Rose
Martin says
No3. What about infidelity? How can you not resent your spouse & just move on???
Deb says
This is very difficult. We are human…so when someone says “forgive them and move on”, I say…I am not Jesus. It is easier said than done.
Everyone has been betrayed at one time or another. Focus on yourself. What they did is about them not you. Keep telling yourself that.
Do not think about forgiveness right now….focus on you, on what you can do for you…to make you feel better. Again, life lessons that are hard to go through, but so valuable in growing.
Hugs
Angel Chernoff says
Martin, I agree with you. The key thing to remember is that forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness allows you to focus on the future without combating the past. Without forgiveness, wounds can never be healed, and moving on can never be accomplished.
Again, it’s not easy, but it’s worth every bit of effort you can muster within you.
richard says
Can a relationship be salvaged after a partner has cheated? Is it possible to right that wrong? Or is it a sign that showed the relationship wasn’t working?
Jithin says
“Intense love doesn’t measure, it just gives.”
Thank you very much for your great article, Angel.
Jessica says
The article was just what I needed right now. Thanks a lot!
One more point I’d like to make is: Whatever is making the relationship rough, it can change. I think, we often get caught up in a end-of-the-world-mentality. But when it’s rough, it’s worth figuring out the problems and working on them, instead of giving up, or condemning the relationship.
Angel Chernoff says
Excellent point, Jessica.
Kim says
Really beautiful writing, WOW!
John says
I really enjoy reading your inspiring emails. Thanks for the advice and anecdotal insights which are comprehensive, charming and wise. It is good to know that you guys have found meaningful work that really is helpful to others. There simply is no other definition for a fulfilled life.
Elaine says
I looked and looked for the perfect man. Then I found him. He told me I wasn’t the perfect woman.
Ruth says
Perfect timing. I’m in a semi new relationship. The shine and the new car smell is fading and I’m feeling more attached. And you’re right, the flaws start showing up like invisible ink – on both sides. It’s apparent that nothing and no one’s perfect – but aren’t we programmed as little girls to look for prince charming?? That’s a lot of pressure – for Mr. Charming. :o)
The biggest hurdle I have with my relationship is the lack of time we spend together. He’s very busy – dedicated single father, work and his hobbies. I find myself missing him often – so the real issue that has floated to the surface is – I struggle to be alone. Am I happy with myself FIRST. The evolution of self continues. Cultivating myself and those things that bring me the greatest joy!
Melissa says
Wow Ruth, I am in the same situation. 7 months in a new relationship and he is also a single father of 3 and works a lot often opposite of my schedule. I’ve never had a person in my life who I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with-I only see him once or twice a week. It’s very hard because I want to get to know him better and spend quality time but it just isn’t possible right now and it makes me very frustrated. I have been trying to find things to do on my own but I can’t help but feel sad much of the time. It’s a struggle and it’s hard to know if he is the right person for me. It was helpful reading this article and the comments posted.
Jay says
Hi Ruth,
I can relate to your situation. I find it very hard to be alone as well but then I realize that we do not have to be with each other 24/7 . What helps me get past the “loniness” is spending time with freinds and other family members that I usually do not get to see or hang out with. I also like running, yoga or just going for walks to photograph things, writing, drawing, reading an interesting book, etc. Find a hobby that you truly enjoy doing and at the end of the day you can call your love and share your expereinces and hopefully do them together when he has the time to join you. Hope this helped.
R.A. says
Whenever I find I’m looking mostly outward for satisfaction, I turn inward and project my satisfaction from there; I look to put my mate first not myself. I’m male and perhaps still have that chivalrous mannerism that speaks to me. It’s about the service you give in terms of kindness, acceptance, understanding and such as apposed to what you expect and think you should receive.. As I start to put her first with unconditional love it all comes around and magically the tensions dissipate. Don’t be afraid to put yourself second as I truly believe that giving love unconditionally connects one instantly to the kind and peaceful love of God! Tried, tested and true for me.
LEEMARIE says
Excellent subject… I try to revert back to the “HOW WE MET” thought. We became friends first. What our relationship is now, is another story… But when we are in a tither, getting past our issues, I simply think of how we became friends and what got us to the next level. After a couple of breaths… IT ALL COMES BACK TO ME.
Yasmine says
You have a canny way of posting very timely posts. Thanks very much for this one.
Vernessa says
I’m so grateful for this post. Actually ALL of your posts….and your work. I love the way both of you write and convey your advice.
Thank you.
Health and Happiness to you both…
Justine says
#7 and #8 resonate with me. I just learned to deal with #3. Resentment is a surefire peace killer!
Jacqueline says
I know Jesus is the answer for me. I know he means right by forgiveness.. both my parents died very bitter and it effected everything about them. They died lonely and felt empty inside. I am asking God to help me forgive someone and bring healing to me for my brokenness. That’s all I can do at this minute, and that is enough for me as I face my crisis.
with love,
Jacqueline
oyeyemi oyewale says
Your posts always come at the right time for me.
Greetings all the way from Nigeria (hope you know were that is, lol)
Love what you guys do and stay blessed… one love, guys.
Sandy says
I would simply add: don’t let your past experiences define your present. Write your new story instead of acting out your old one. Free yourself to be who you are today, define yourself in the now. And that allows others to do the same.
I’m working to live a new positive story (what I tell myself) instead of continuing to hold the “grudge” by seeing others through an old lens.
Catherine says
Thank you Marc and Angel for your wonderful posts. You always have the right words to keep me going.
Vanna Davis says
I love everything about what you guys share!!!!
Norah Magero says
Thank you Marc and Angel for your wonderful words. Each post I read in one way or another relates to my life. This one specifically is a reminder I needed today. God bless you!
Holden Seguso says
Though all the advice is wonderful. # 4 on Forgiveness is the one that resonates most with me right now. The more skilled you are at forgiving determines how comfortable you are with being yourself. By being you’re true self, since every individual is unique, you will stand out in the crowd. And by standing out it is natural to encounter many haters because, by being yourself, you’re causing them to face their own insecurities. It’s important to remember that the assumed haters are beautiful people as well yet they are crushed by their own insecurities (it’s their demons they’ve yet to face hating you. Not their true loving selves). If you can forgive the harsh critics quickly it not only imbues love in your own heart but that love/kindness is being passed on to them. We’re all innately good people so do your best to be brave and, then following that, be kind 🙂
dianne says
Thank you
shivaram alva says
Great and useful article. Life itself is about love and relationships. All other material acquisitions come second. Your article is so realistic and practical, and everyone will experience one or the other phases… as we are human beings with full of EGO. Thank you for the reminders.
Jane says
Two things I take from today’s post are:
1. Look for someone who is imperfect in the perfect way for you.
2. Focus on what is working in the relationship rather than what is not working. What we focus on grows.
At this point in time, I am a novice when it comes to relationships. It is my quest to continue reading and learning about different skills and tips on the subject.
Edwina Too says
Excellent article! I really like the point on the importance of imperfection.
anita says
thank you soo much