Nothing in this world is more difficult than love. And nothing is more worth it.
Our media culture – with its happily ever after fairy tales – often creates the expectation that life is supposed to be like an endless day at Disney World. And nowhere does our media culture present a more skewed set of expectations than around intimate relationships. We are swayed to believe a great relationship is all sunshine and roses, despite the fact that most of us have witnessed firsthand the difficulties and disagreements our parents struggled through when we were kids.
Just as life isn’t perfect, intimate relationships aren’t either. They require effort and compromise. They require two people to practice patience and presence, and thoughtfully extend themselves for the sake of the other. They require us to redefine the fairy tale story of love that our media culture has attempted to brainwash us with.
It’s time to take a stand and acknowledge the fact that we’ve been fed lies. We’ve been told that love is just a feeling, but the reality is that love is an action – many actions. It’s continuous work. It’s something two people must commit to as a daily ritual.
When you’re able to accept this new reality, and get past the damaging lies about things needing to be perfect all the time, you make room for the true joy of engaging deeply in a great relationship, which holds a powerful, flexible space that widens itself to accommodate the necessary struggles.
Here are twelve tough truths about great relationships:
- A soul mate is really just a loving partner who’s willing to work with you. – To say that one waits a lifetime for their soul mate to come around is a bit of a paradox. People eventually get tired of waiting, so they take a chance on someone, and by the powers of love and commitment they become soul mates, which takes a lifetime to perfect.
- True love is often the most inconvenient kind. – Again, it takes two people who truly, TRULY want to work together, every day, compromises and all, to build something special. That’s what great relationships are all about – daily teamwork.
- There will be lots of little issues. – When we face pain in relationships our first response is often to sever ties rather than to maintain commitment, but the extent to which two people in a relationship can bring up and resolve issues is a significant sign of the soundness of their relationship.
- There will be lots of tough conversations. – The right words won’t always come easy, but when you don’t talk it out there’s a lot of important stuff that ends up not getting said. Every great couple needs to argue (consciously and mindfully) now and then, just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships – the ones that truly matter – are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.
- Conscious, mindful communication is necessary, but takes practice. – You can measure the happiness of an intimate relationship by the number of scars that each partner carries on their tongues, earned from years of biting back angry, unhelpful words.
- There will be more honest misunderstandings than you’d like. – When it comes to understanding your partner, deal with them as they are, not how you’d like them to be. (Read The 5 Love Languages.)
- There will be lots of apologies and necessary forgiveness. – Love is living your own life, but sharing it. It’s forgiveness. It’s making a million little mistakes with each other and turning them into learning experiences. Love is patience, optimism, and sometimes it’s a simple kiss when there’s nothing left to say.
- Partners can’t force changes in each other. – People can only change themselves. Instead of trying to change your partner, give them your support and lead by example. If there’s a specific behavior they have that you’re hoping fades over time, it probably won’t. If you really need them to change something specific, be honest and put all the cards on the table so your partner knows how you feel and why. But keep in mind that the best way to love someone is not to change them, but instead to help them reveal the greatest version of themselves.
- A great relationship isn’t needy. – In a great relationship, you love each other more than you need each other.
- Even the greatest relationship won’t completely fix YOU. – If you’re not happy with yourself, or comfortable with your own truth when entering a relationship, there’s a good chance you’re not ready for that relationship. Work on loving yourself first. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Some people won’t support your relationship, no matter how great it is. – Great relationships don’t always make sense, especially from the outside.
- No relationship lasts forever. – People don’t live forever. Appreciate what you have with your partner – the loving moments and all the little things. You’ll never know how much they mean to you until the day they are no longer beside you. And remember, just because something doesn’t last forever, doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth your while.
Afterthoughts
The bottom line is that all relationships, including the greatest of them all, require patience and effort. And no relationship will work flawlessly all the time.
Being too hot and cold about the expectations and demands of what should or shouldn’t happen in a relationship always spells trouble. No matter what happens, or how great a relationship is, there will be struggles present, but you can still focus on the good. Instead of constantly looking for signs of what’s not working in your relationship, what you need to do is look for signs of what is. Because, as you know, what we focus on grows stronger in our lives.
Your turn…
What else would you add to the list?
What’s a tough truth you’ve learned about having a great relationship?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
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Photo by: Chicka
Dev says
Such an insightful list of reminders for making a great relationship last. Above all else, the tough relationship truth I’ve learned through 28 years of marriage is this: It ain’t easy some days, but it is always worth the extra effort and compromise.
Marc Chernoff says
I love your addition the list, and I couldn’t agree more, Dev. 🙂
Christian says
Honestly, this article is an important eye opener for my relationship with my wife and the mindset I need to adopt going forward. Our relationship with has been going through a rough patch for a couple reasons, but after reading this I think I can make a few positive changes that may help take our future together in a more positive direction. Our relationship is great, it just has some crooked tendencies that I know are fixable.
Also, I just purchased your book for my wife, to help us get on the same page together. =) Thank you so much for everything you share.
Marc Chernoff says
I love your sentiment, Christian. Best wishes to you and your wife. And thank you for supporting our work.
Ed says
Work on loving yourself first.
So true.
If you don’t know how to love yourself it’s not going to be easy to love someone else.
maggie says
I guess it goes without saying that without fidelity there is no relationship.
McBride Linzel says
Great thoughts!
Ana says
Thank you for your words , I Sometimes wonder if this is a coinsidance or what. Im in a situation now, where I feel in my relationship I don’t come first. I have been reading your book and even though I’m going through some hard times right now I believe there is light
At the end of the tunnel.
Thank you
Ana
Marc Chernoff says
It’s great to hear that you’re looking for the silver lining, Ana. Please stay strong.
Julia says
I had an extraordinary relationship with my husband until he passed in 2011. My life fell apart and I fell apart. I’m still picking up the pieces. We loved each other totally and completely. How do you start a new relationship when you’re so broken. Three online relationships have failed, it must be me ?????
liz says
Julia, sorry for your loss. I went through the broken/lost phase after my mom died. I held onto guilt, sadness and betrayal I felt after she passed on that for nine years I was not able to trust anyone enough to want to be in a relationship. I dated a few people but it was mostly physical. Letting go has brought some peace, and opened my heart, and now for the first time in years I am in a good relationship with a great guy.
Don’t give up finding love again, perhaps find yourself, can’t count number of online attempts I made:-), give yourself a break, and enjoy dating again. Also try other activities outside the web..
Find inspiration in number 10 and 12 in today’s post.
@marc and angel – thanks for the inspiration, my outlook of life is enriched by learning from you.
Marc Chernoff says
Beautiful response, Liz.
Julia, it’s not you. You are fine. You are strong. Please tell yourself this, and believe it.
Sending prayers of strength your way.
Nanette says
Hi Julia, I think remembering that grieving doesn’t have a timetable, and that it’s a time to take extra good care of yourself, might help you as you continue picking up the pieces of your broken heart. You had an extraordinary relationship with your husband; it’s going to be difficult not to compare new relationships with that one, consciously and unconsciously. No other relationship you have will be anything like that one, especially at the beginning. Another thing to keep in mind is that many people who try online dating are hoping for an instant connection, if they don’t feel that right away, they move on, looking for “their soul mate”. I’m assuming that you know better, but that the men you are meeting online don’t. Don’t forget, you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince! You know what a prince is like, you were married to one, and I doubt that you’re willing to settle for anything less. All of which is a long way of saying that you might not be ready to start a new relationship. You’re still grieving and needing to take care of yourself. So, in a way, yes, it’s you, but in a very good way! Go do something that feeds your soul, something just for you, something that doesn’t require you to take care of anyone else, except maybe a lost kitten (a real one, not a metaphor!). I’ll be thinking of you, sending good thoughts your way.
Kat says
It’s hard to start a new relationship when you’re broken. And so very very hard when you had such an ideal situation taken from you.
Find yourself. No one can fix you. You need to fix you, be happy with you, be calm with you. Then, and only then, can you find another to ADD to you.
I’ve done the online dating. Somewhere I read you have to have seven dates before you find someone you want to actually date. First “success” was date #7 and that lasted a year. Second “success” was about a billion dates and two years later. What helped me with the online dating is that I had a prior list of qualifications I was looking for. That list included the must-haves (stance on religion, education level, lifestyle, relationship goals, etc) and preferences that were negotiable.
I’m still dating my man and don’t know what the future holds for us. That said, I do know I’m enjoying my time with him and if it doesn’t go forth until death to us part, I know I will always cherish this time.
So, online dating? I think it’s fabulous! It’s a whole lot better than picking up some random guy at the bar or having your best friend’s sister’s husband’s brother set you up on a blind date! At least with online dating you have a shot at hitting your must-have list…. Good luck!
Tammie says
I can’t see much that corresponds directly to our relationship but I learned a lot from this article and have just realized that there’s really limitation of everything. After 28 years of marriage, it’s only now to have the courage to say enough is enough..Why live in a miserable life, a life where there are no love and respect at all. Thank you. This is really an eye opener to me.
Pat Hardy says
Coming from a background of physical fights and abusive language between my parents, I thought the “silent treatment” was the answer whenever my husband and I had a disagreement. I could hold out for days, and then one day, my husband who always broke the ice (thankfully) asked me: “Pat, do you love me?” “Of course, I do,” I answered. “Have you been happy these past few days not talking to me?” he asked. “No,” I answered.”Then why do you want to give up any of these days when we could be happy?” he replied, and I saw the light. That happened early in our marriage, and it has lasted 54 years…so far.
Ab says
This is lovely, Pat.
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for sharing that small piece of your story, Pat. 🙂
Katie says
What do you do if your partner is not a talker and you are? We’ve been together 3 years, and 99% of the time he refuses to have tough conversations about anything. Every time I try to bring something up he shuts me down. So we continue on in our relationship never having those important conversations, which is unsettling and unhealthy. We have a great time together and enjoy doing so many of the same things, but I worry about our lack of communication.
Angelia says
I have lack of communication with my partner as well. I get shut down also. How do u break this I wonder? Maybe they already know the truth… maybe that’s why. But they should own up too it. I don’t know…
Marc Chernoff says
Katie and Angelia, communication is vital to a relationship. Lack of communication and any form of the silent treatment are not good signs. This is something that must be gradually worked on. It might be worth reading this post too: 4 Toxic Behaviors that Tear Couples Apart
Best wishes to you both.
Hayley Gray says
” People can only change themselves. Instead of trying to change your partner, give them your support and lead by example. If there’s a specific behavior they have that you’re hoping fades over time, it probably won’t.”
I need to read this everyday because i have been with my boyfriend 6 years now. There are certain little things that i have to constantly remind him to do as if he’s a 10 year old boy. “Pick up ur clothes, can u take the trash out it’s full, Can u do the dishes today, put ur cup in the sink” He’s gotten better after i’ve had to argue about it. Don’t get me wrong they are little things but i’m not a mother, i have no children, i am 23 n i shouldn’t have to be telling a 24 year old to pick up after himself. I’ve learned over the past year n a half, that people do not change. He got better for a little bit, a very short time, but then it went right back to me having to ask him to pick up or put things away. It always turns into an argument. I don’t believe i am that wrong here because as an adult, u should pick up after urself. No one picks up after me! But i’ve got to learn n understand that people do not change unless they want that change for themselves n the best i can give in return is the support they need for that. I feel like these things are brought up into a bad argument every few wks. When u have to always tell someone ur same age or older to do something or to clean up it becomes very aggravating n u become tired of their ways. Some days are harder than others but i will be saving this email into my Saved folder n i just need to always remind myself that all i can do as the other person wanting the change, for them, is to simply support them n hope they do what’s right.
Annette says
It may help to consider that people have differing ideas of “cleanliness”. What if the letter read like this?
I need to read this to my girlfriend everyday because we have been together 6 years now. There are certain little things that she constantly reminds me to do as if I’m a10 year old boy. “Pick up ur clothes, can u take the trash out it’s full, Can u do the dishes today, put ur cup in the sink” She’s gotten better after i’ve had to argue about it. Don’t get me wrong they are little things but i’m not a child, …, I’ve learned over the past year n a half, that people do not change. she got better for a little bit, a very short time, but then it went right back to her bossing me around. It always turns into an argument. I don’t believe i am that wrong here because as an adult, I don’t need someone telling me what to do in my own home. I don’t want her to clean up after me, yet she does and then complains about it. But i’ve got to learn n understand that people do not change unless they want that change for themselves n the best i can give in return is the support they need for that. I feel like these things are brought up into a bad argument every few wks. Being told to do something or to clean up by someone your own ageibecomes very aggravating n u become tired of their ways. Some days are harder than others but i will be saving this email into my Saved folder n i just need to always remind myself that all i can do as the other person wanting the change, for them, is to simply support them n hope they do what’s right.
Allie says
I agree with all of this besides that “love yourself first” part. I suffer from depression and anxiety, which makes it extremely difficult to love myself when my own hormones and emotions are working against me. I have days where I absolutely hate myself because the chemicals in my body are telling me to. But, it’s days like that where I appreciate my significant other. The fact that the man I love still loves me when I feel like there’s nothing left to love about me is what keeps me going. That’s what makes me feel whole.
So, no, I do not believe you have to love yourself in order to love someone else or have someone else love you. Love looks past that. Love can complete people, just like it completes me.
Lizzo says
Allie, I am so with you on this! Learning to accept myself as I am is so hard. Yet others seem to be able to, not least my partner. I still have such a hard time believing it, even after 40something years, and struggling through depression and worthlessness during much of that time. It’s beyond me.
Marc Chernoff says
Allie and Lizzo, I can understand your sentiment. Depression is a different thing all together, as I’ve mentioned here: 5 Things to Remember When Someone You Love is Depressed
Hayley Gray says
The part that says you have to love yourself before anyone else will. I didn’t used to believe that because I felt like if someone else loves me, what does that have to do w/ me loving myself (more)? But I’ve since been struggling w/ a personal issue for a year now and it now makes sense to me. Some days it’s so hard to love who i am as i am, and that tends to push the ones who do love me away. All they’re doing is giving me love but since it is difficult to love myself sometimes, it’s hard for me to accept them loving me, too. That’s an important note. Now I do believe you have to love yourself, first and most importantly. That’s something I need to work on myself.
Mary says
You cannot have a great relationship without trust and compromise with one another
Lorrie Jones says
I believe this is one of the most important articles I’ve read in a long time. Thank you for it! I am working everyday on loving myself and it is a tough one for sure (for me). Where did I ever get the idea that I had to “be better” or “do more” to be lovable?? I’m certainly “not there yet” – however, with the guidance of people such as Brene Brown, Liz Gilbert, Mindfulness leaders and teachers and my Hakomi studies, I am making progress. I recommend this post to anyone who is alive…and thus, in various relationships!
Sayre says
My parents had a banner on their bedroom door – it said “Love is a Decision” and it came out of a Marriage Encounter weekend. That banner has been on their door for years, since I was quite young (am now 53). I asked my dad about it once and he told me that he and my mom were very different people and sometimes it was hard to be together – but every time they passed through that doorway, in the morning and in the evening, they decided to love each other and stay together. That has stayed with me and helps me in my own marriage (20 years) on those days when I’m not sure I want to be there. I decide to stick it out another day. Then a long time passes before I land in that place again.
Irene says
You can’t have a good relationship when…
1. They lie and cheat over and over again.
2. They threaten to leave you if You don’t change and this happens at least twice a year.
3. You can’t have a relationship when you try and walk out when the other person is struggling to hang on to life.
4. You sometimes need a person to change when their actions are destroying a marriage.
5. Relationships are over when one is wanting to communicate and the other one walks away because they don’t want to confront your pain.
36 years and I think I’m ready to go alone. I’d rather be really alone than to have someone in the house and still feel alone!
Amy says
This is really appealing and thought provoking. Thanks so much for always sending these reminders to us. I say, “More and more feathers to your crowns.”
Sinazo says
I am currently dealing with a break up. Before I dated this guy, him and I were best friends for five years. And then we decided to date because we were inlove with each other. But we recently broken up because of lack of communication. He was that type of a guy who doesn’t like to talk to much. And in the other hand, I had problems of self-esteem. Because I couldn’t believe he could love someone like me, because he is a handsome guy, which every girl at school wanted him. But what I learnt in the break up…is that you have to love your self before loving someone else. Because how can you love someone else if you do not love your self? And the second thing I learnt is that you have to communicate with your partner all the time(about your likes and dislikes in the relationship). That helps your relationship to become stronger each time. And nothing will get between you two.
Rosie says
So grateful for your words..! I will think about your advices when I’m in my next relationship.
Kisses from Italy
Kris says
Sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes people lie. They sometimes cheat. They sometimes lash out in anger and say hurtful things. If this happens time and time again, there is a lack of respect in the relationship and you need to leave. But if any of these happen and it isnt a normal occurrence, it is a symptom of underlying issues that you need to get to the bottom of. Forgiveness, understanding and loving conversations even when angry and hurt. These are key.
Steven says
This blog is so right. Treat each other with respect and love and watch it flourish.
Robyn says
Great list! Possibly adding humility and kindness.
Lucinda Randolph says
Hey Marc and Angel,
Glad we met on Twitter, as you two rock!
Great article, and I’m certainly about patience, compromise etc in my 1st ever “conscious” relationship with my beloved J.
And I’ve never learnt so much or expanded more, than I have done in the last 8 months.
I just want to add that we can have a POWERFUL past life connection with our soul mate, our beloved, and eternal love like that DOES defy convention. I love how Dr Ervin Laszlo, one of the greatest minds of our time, discusses reincarnation and post-mortem communication and the Akashic Field in his many published books.
So, just to say, in my own experience, and because both my partner and I are into the Esther and Jerry Hicks teachings, I have to say, most of our romance and falling in love, has actually been a lot of fairytale, amidst the tears.
I hope this perspective has been helpful.
Keep up the good work! Love your site! Love Lucinda xxx
Jemima says
Add – don’t self-sabotage in those early days, with unreasonable expectations that are not sustainable. Delight in the time that IS shared, don’t rush the foundational “getting to know you” period; and always always remember what brought you together in the first place.