Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?
I promise you, there will never be a perfect time to do anything in your life. Nothing will ever feel 100% certain or make perfect sense to you and everyone else. There will never be a perfect time to fall in love, or to travel the world. You will never have enough training, enough preparation, or enough money. And despite this, even when you feel ready to take a bold step into the unknown, others will likely try to talk you out of it. Because they won’t feel ready themselves, and your ambition and bravery will challenge their levels of comfort. But you don’t owe them an explanation, or any other personal sacrifice you don’t want to make. This is rather difficult to grasp at first.
Waiting to feel 100% ready or validated is the easiest way in which we cheat ourselves out of wonderful life experiences. I challenge you to consciously free yourself from this self-limiting mentality. Book that plane ticket, even if you feel lots of uncertainty. Sign up for that educational course, even if you have no idea how it will go. Trust me when I tell you it will all come together for the better.
When you meet your dreams with intention, when you meet them with mental and physical dedication, irrespective of how prepared or supported you feel, you invest your trust in the act of LIVING. You make your dreams a priority instead of line items on a list. And that’s good because your dreams are not inkblots, they are meant to be experiences. You have to test them out in the real world to know if they’re possible and worthwhile ventures in the long run.
Take a stand. Fight for what makes sense to you, and you will see how your life gradually turns into a living, breathing manifestation of everything you could have imagined.
As you progress on this new journey of living, remember that some people around you will naturally be taken aback. But as long you aren’t hurting them, you don’t owe them anything that takes away your power to move forward with your life.
Be kind, and keep these 12 points in mind…
1. You don’t owe anyone the right to regulate your dreams.
Don’t let other people sell you their dream and tell you it’s yours.
Find YOUR path and YOUR purpose! Listen to your own intuition. If you have a dream, don’t just sit around. Gather the courage to believe that you can succeed, and leave no stone unturned to make it a reality.
2. You don’t owe anyone the right to clutter your mental and physical space.
Clutter is the mental and physical manifestation of unmade decisions, often fueled by fear and drama.
Don’t let the wrong ideas and people clutter and confuse you. Be steady and well-ordered in your life so you can be fierce and original in your passions and work. As you unclutter your life, you will slowly free yourself to effectively answer the callings ringing deep within your core.
3. You don’t owe anyone else a rationalization for investing in yourself.
Investing in yourself is the smartest investment you will ever make. It will not only improve your life, it will improve the lives of all those around you.
Prioritize your own needs into your daily to-do’s. Invest in your education, health and happiness every single day. Create a life that feels good on the inside, not one that just looks good on the outside to everyone else.
4. You don’t owe anyone another excuse (but you owe yourself another chance).
If you really want to do something, you’ll find a way. If you don’t, you’ll find an excuse. You know this is true.
Even a tiny effort is infinitely more productive than a big, impressive excuse. So stop seeing every obstacle as an excuse and start seeing those obstacles as forming a pathway to what you want to achieve. (The Miracle Morning.)
5. You don’t owe anyone the authority to validate you.
Some people will never “appreciate you” or “get you.” Do not waste an eternity asking why. You don’t need them to validate you. You are already valuable!
Everyone will see you differently, and that’s perfectly OK. Cherish those who lift you higher, and move on to doing what you know must be done.
6. You don’t owe anyone the love you need to be giving yourself.
Yes, love others, but don’t forget about yourself in the process. Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your love, happiness and peace of mind.
Say it: “I am too intelligent, too unique and too resourceful for anyone to be able to take charge of me entirely. No one can know me or love me completely, at the same depth I can know and love myself.”
7. You don’t owe anyone the respect you deserve to be showing yourself.
Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy. Respect yourself enough to stand strong beside your morals and values. Respect yourself enough to be YOU.
When you are content to be yourself, wholeheartedly, without comparing, competing or conforming, anyone worth respecting will respect you.
8. You don’t owe anyone else a “yes” when you need to say “no.”
There are often too many things we feel we should do that, in reality, we don’t really have to do. Getting to the point where we can easily tell the difference is a major milestone for living a positive life.
Give yourself permission to say “no” without feeling guilty. Anyone who gets upset or expects you to say “yes” all of the time clearly doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
9. You don’t owe anyone else your quiet “me time.”
Give yourself some quiet “me time” every day. Make it a priority.
When you connect to the silence within you, that’s when you can make sense of the chaos going on around you. (Read A New Earth.)
10. You don’t owe anyone a change in your fashion, style or appearance.
As Franz Kafka so eloquently said, “Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion (trends).”
Truly, the most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics and fancy clothes are easier to buy. The same principle applies to men.
Forget what “they” want you to look like. Style yourself the way you like. Style is knowing who you are, what you want to do, and not giving a darn about being judged for it.
11. You don’t owe anyone else an explanation about your important relationships.
Relationships don’t always make sense, especially from the outside. So don’t let outsiders decide what’s best for your relationships. Their opinion doesn’t matter. If you’re having an issue with someone important to you, work it out with THEM and no one else.
You have to live your own life your own way – that’s all there is to it. Each of us has a unique fire in our heart for certain people. It’s our duty, and ours alone, to decide if a relationship (intimate or platonic) is right for us. If you and the other person both agree that it is, IT IS, and it’s worth working on, together.
12. You don’t owe anyone the power to repeatedly break your heart (but you owe yourself a chance to heal once and for all).
It’s always difficult to let go of someone you care about (or cared about) without getting hurt in the process. Even if this person has hurt you a hundred times, you start thinking of all these what ifs – these maybes about the future. But that’s just the thing: there’s nothing concrete and reliable about these feelings and fantasies. The reality of their actions has disproven them.
When someone shows you their true colors time and time again, it’s best to believe them and carry on. You have far more important things to focus on. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” and “Adversity” chapters of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
Closing Thoughts
All details aside, you don’t owe anyone power over your life. In most cases, you don’t owe them anything at all. Be kind, but be firm in your resolve. Your life is a sum of your choices, so choose not to let anyone else choose for you.
Say it with me: “I alone am enough. I have nothing to prove beyond waking up every morning and doing my best, honestly and authentically.”
(And if someone is blocking you from doing your best, it might be time to block them for a while.)
Your turn…
Which point above resonated the most with you? What have you given up in the past simply to satisfy others? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Photo by: Cameron Bushong
J.J. says
Cheers to standing up for ourselves!
This is such an incredible post/email that seems so simple yet speaks volumes to those who are willing to listen and act! We are greater than anyone is able to predetermine! We are free to fly, live passionately and achieve greater dreams than ever thought possible.
I stand firm in who I am and I honor, love, respect my mind, body, soul and heart. I will not allow another to control my state of well being! I am empowered because I know who I am… and I am darn amazing! I love myself and I know that I am human.
Sometimes I forget these things, and that’s why I read and re-read your blog and 1,000 Little Things book.
Thank you, Marc and Angel!
Live fully my friends!
Marc Chernoff says
Beautifully said, J.J.
And thank you for supporting our work too.
Maxine Clark says
“Truly, the most beautiful make-up of a woman is passion. But cosmetics and fancy clothes are easier to buy.” … What a fantastic statement. For many years people looked at me strangely when I was wearing scarves, hats, feathers, barrel rolls in my hair. In my 20’s this really upset me and I conformed as I wanted to be accepted. Turning 30, going back to University and setting up The National Training Academy made me realise that unless I was ‘me’ I would never succeed. This article has made me smile as it is so simple yet so powerful. Thank you
Patty says
2 3 5 6 7 11 12. Wow.
Megan says
I agree with J.J… this is a great post! We need to be reminded of the influences people can have on our minds and hearts, especially when we feel we somehow owe them something.
When we are are working toward being the best people we can be, we’re gonna step on some toes along the way, and that’s OK..
I have been having a difficult time setting boundaries with certain folks in my life, and I too appreciate the suggestions you make on your in your blog and in the 1,000 Little Things book about setting and keeping healthy boundaries. I would also appreciate it if you dedicated a new article or book solely to this topic someday.
Marc Chernoff says
I love your point about stepping on toes. Absolute truth.
Dee says
Number five hit home in a big way. Thank you!
This truly is a solid list of self-defense tips for the mind and spirit. To number five I would add:
Don’t let anyone convince you that what you build and create is less valuable than what others are building and creating. We all need our own time to explored and create in our own way. Everything we see, hear, and use started out as an crazy idea. Even the best ideas were mocked and challenged before proving themselves.
So, let your ideas flow and protect them from ridicule. Your ideas may or may not work out, but they should at least have a chance to grow and tach you valuable lessons you couldn’t learn any other way.
Sage Albright Rogers says
I read these posts every time they are in my email. After going through the end of a 22-year marriage–as the mom of two who is also self-employed–life can feel overwhelming and worries become too often in the forefront of the day. Inspirations that I gain from every one of your articles are priceless. I recommend the site to others in my practice, for the healthy and optimistic advice in each article.
Thank you for helping me re-align my thoughts and choices again today.
Marc Chernoff says
You’re welcome, Sage. Thank you for sharing our blog with others.
Rose Costas says
Great post and perfect timing with the new year approaching. What better way to start out the new year than to focus on yourself and your dreams.
These are great tips by which to live. They all register with me and will be my go to resource for 2016.
Jennifer says
The part of “Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy” truly resonates with me. I’ve lived by this my entire life, and people have thought I was crazy for walking away from a few great opportunities. Those opportunities wouldn’t have made me happy and wouldn’t have led to the path I’m on today. Thank you for your encouraging posts!
Michelle says
My best friend is divorcing her husband, but sadly they still have to share a house for the time being. He has been cheating on her and lying to her for years; chipping away at her self confidence and self worth until her health suffered. Since he was ‘found out’ and she cut her emotional ties to him, her health has vastly improved, but her belief in herself as a beautiful (she’s gorgeous) and worthwhile person is taking longer to heal, despite our best efforts and unstinting love and support.
It doesn’t help seeing him every day, especially as he takes every opportunity to preach at her… ‘Why are you divorcing me? Why now. It’s much to soon! You’ll ruin any chance of our staying friends!’ Words fail me…
I’m going to send her this post, as I know it will help…
Michelle x
Marc Chernoff says
I hope it does, Michelle. 🙂
Keep giving her your love and support.
Patty E. says
12. You don’t owe anyone the power to repeatedly break your heart (but you owe yourself a chance to heal once and for all). I can relate to this. My mother has repeatedly shown me that she does not love me. When I have a crisis situation, she refuses to be by my side. Most recently, my granddaughter died last week in a terrible way (which I witnessed) and my mother once again refused to be here for me, despite living one hour away and having several options for getting here. I have lived with her nasty remarks and lack of support all my life, and it’s time I stopped putting myself through this and healed my heart a little. Thanks for this article.
Maqsood says
Amazing… far more than amazing… I have no words to tell you how much I appreciate this article. You are giving us courage and new hope. Thank you.
Pamela Leigh Richards says
I must say this has been a most fun conversation on the train! So inspiring and love the comments by everyone. Thank you Marc and Angel for lighting your brilliance at the table of understandings and sharing. Touche’.
Shannon says
A while back something happened to me at work that totally rocked my world. Suddenly a job a loved, working with people I loved and trusted turned into a nightmare. I have cried on my way to work every day since that day. I realized this morning, it feels exactly like an abusive relationship — I keep waiting for it to change, choosing to remember all of the love and beauty, thinking that if I’m just patient enough, kind enough, smart enough it will change. It won’t change.
There are no words to describe how much I loved this job. How I know in my heart there will never be a job as perfect for me as I thought this was. Leaving here will be the hardest thing I have every done and I cannot bear the thought.
libby esther berman says
This post should be printed, or written out, and carried everywhere!
Jan Ramsey Brick says
This post brought tears to my eyes and totally validated my reasons for investing in myself by signing up for your “Think Better Live Better” event next month.
Number 3 and number 5 really spoke to me. Some of my friends question the time and energy I’m spending on new directions in my life. But you’re right, it’s no one’s business how I choose to invest in myself, and I really don’t need anyone else to validate my choices.
Thanks so much for your continuously uplifting posts and lessons.
xo
Labanya Ghosh says
I have been going through a tough time lately and this blog has helped me recover my mental peace. Marc and Angel have been great counselors to me. Thanks a ton:)
Daphne says
Yes I couldn’t agreed more with all your points! At the end of the day, you got to answer for yourself not anyone else! Thank you!
LaVerne says
I truly enjoy reading these post everyday. I am a sensitive soul and I have been critized for being that my whole life (I am 60)! Sometime co-workers can be the worst and I find myself in a job that truly is very sad to come to everyday. BUT….darn it I am doing it, I no longer am letting co-workers dictate who and what I am, I am sensitive, I work hard and accomplish a lot during my day at work, I don’t gossip, I do what I can to help others, and at this point in my life I am finally come to terms that I do not care what other people think or how they act towards me and I no longer am going “walk-out” on a job because someone else signals me out because I don’t go with the “status quo”! I love you Angel and Marc and God Bless you both and your column!
Kym says
Loved this post. Each point resonated with me. Gave me a lot of food for thought. Thanks Marc and Angel for uplifting me with every post/blog you write.
Mary says
Excellent post!! This will be printed out, posted somewhere at home and reviewed often. Thank you for your clear and thoughtful words.
David Rapp says
I have not posted in a very long time. I am really stuck with the “Intention” and “manifesting.” I get bombarded all the time with someone else’s version of the “one trick” or “one Key” about manifestation or power of Intention, it may be the largest scam going right now for all I know.
I truly wish that it were all this easy. But the most critical people are always the closest to you, and even more often are you. It just feels like there is nowhere to go, nowhere to hide and no end in sight.
But the only person you can change is yourself.
Keiko says
Hello beautiful ones,
This is just amazingly beautiful! Also, your timing to share it was perfect.
The last couple of weeks, I was having one revelation after another about me being scared to stay in the body and the world and me in the survival mode through my whole life because of someone else’s old beliefs and patterns.
This morning, I not only realized in the head but sensed within me so tangibly that I have nothing to be fixed. I just need to let go of those junk that I accumulated all through the years and relax within my own divinity: my own LOVE.
Your post just gave me a big affirmation. Thank you so much, Marc & Angel!
claudia says
Thank you for your emails which so enrich my life.
sarah says
You hit this one out of the park! Number one hit the nerve, never again will I follow someone else’s dream. I’ve got new ones and my family and old friends will never understand. They’re too scared and paranoid. Let the good times roll! Keep up the good work!
Alexa says
This was just the kind of post I needed to read today… it’s important to remember that one of your first priorities should be your happiness and your confidence to live your own life. Love it!
BTW, I’m including this post in my December Post Roundup!
Lots of love,
Alexa
Lottie says
I love every single thing about this. THANK YOU. I’m 38 and have been wandering around in the dark all my life, not knowing who I am, trying to please everyone, being an emotional dump for other people’s problems (completely my own doing). It’s taken four years of intense trauma, therapy, divorce and so, so much release of emotion for me to tap in to the person I am. Meditation and quiet ‘me time’ has been a big part of seeing myself under all the crap. I have two beautiful daughters (3&5) and so much to live for and to learn. Thank you for empowering me to continue in this quest for self fulfilment ? Good luck to everyone else out there on your own journeys. With love, Lottie ?
Marc Chernoff says
You are welcome. 🙂
J_Saviour says
Opening up all your heart n sacrificing everything for someone you love so much but just to see them rip it all up to pieces and leave you there brokenhearted, hopeless & lost was something i went through. The pain, anger and regret from the eye-opening experience has changed me dramatically and has given me a whole new look on life and the realities that come with it.
I was lost & hopeless after my breakup, I thought of just giving up & even suicide. But it was the will of God that showed me the light-showed me that there was a way out. And it was through Prayer, different inspirational quotes and your motivating and life changing emails that turned my life around. I am so grateful for blessing like you Mark & Angel. You changed me 🙂
Karen says
This article moved me. You had me at point 1 and reading it over and over gave me goosebumps…literally!
Where I am from, people always tell others what to do. Especially older people always telling younger ones what they feel is the right way to go. I recently gave up a job that made me miserable, in search of something else. To be honest, I had no clear path ahead of me upon leaving. But I will say this; I have never had as much fulfilment in my adult life, as I have had in the past month of doing my own thing. I am learning, growing and laughing so much, that it feels like I must have paid for a new life.
You know what? I have always known that I am not a conformist but I only just took the risk of actually marching to the beat of my own drum, and I wish everyone would do the same!
Marc Chernoff says
I love your sentiment, Karen!
Claudia says
Just what I owe myself…
Mansi says
Yet another wonderfully articulated post of yours. Every bit of it is true. No one owns us more than ourselves. You cannot make others happy until you are happy inside. And you cannot keep everyone happy at the same time. Please all and you please none! Let go of what you cannot change. I am in maximum resonance with 9th point, I do not owe anyone my quiet ‘me time’.
Mercury says
As someone who grew up a “nice guy”, it was hard coming to terms with the fact that I don’t owe people all these things. It’s okay to have your opinion. It’s okay to tell people no.
It’s amazing how difficult it can be to not be a pushover 😉
Rebecca says
I love reading all your articles. It helps me a lot. Very enlightening and inspiring. I read and reread them all in my quiet time. Thank you so much.
sherill says
“Style yourself the way you like. Style is knowing who you are, what you want to do, and not giving a darn about being judged for it.” … True indeed! Be yourself, you are unique in your own way. WE are all special. Thanks for sharing a beautifully written post, very informative and really awesome. Loved it. 🙂
Megan Bartley says
Great article! Thanks for your wise words.
Nickolas says
I wrote a nice long piece and then my system crashed and I lost my comments, but I wanted to say that this, for me, is the most empowering list you have sent. It truly breaks through the mental bubble I have been living in all my life. Some of us are born into situations we couldn’t possibly have managed as kids and all sorts of survival clutter builds up each day until you end up either in a cul-de-sac, scratching your head wondering how you got here. The answers are all there of course, but this list is like someone tapping you on the shoulder and saying “dude, this way…”. It particularly grabbed me in point 7. I now have it as a “favourite” that opens up whenever I turn my computer on, but it deserves to go on the wall in every room! Thank you.
PS I think I read this on one of those days when I felt that I couldn’t face reading anything new, but I know those days and I’ve learnt always to dip a big toe in anyway. They invariably turn out to the be the days I end up thinking “Thank god I read that!”
Maria says
Your articles, especially this one, have all been helpful and uplifting as I go through different stages in my life. Thank you 🙂
Number 11, the one about not letting outsiders decide what’s best for your relationships, is the one that resonated with me the most. I value my friendships so much but in the past 2-3 years, I have this particular group of friends wherein everytime I meet with them I feel terrible, excluded and criticized. I’ve been questioning how I felt with this group of “friends” for almost 2 years now. Aside from the criticism and indifference to my life (we don’t even catch up when we’re together, just drinking and games, and I can’t speak out to ask about life or tell stories about mine because someone would comment negatively on whatever I say).
I’m in a loving relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years, and I discovered real friendship (and more) from him. Just recently, my friends expressed that they don’t like my boyfriend and they don’t think we’ll last, and they admitted it was for NO reason.. I’d understand if it were because of them protecting me based on actual evidence from my guy, but they don’t even ask how we are together, and they just think he doesn’t “fit in” our group etc. I think that’s unfair.
One thing about my personality, though, is that I always try to “make things work” for people and things, and feeling like I owe an explanation to my friends for choosing to be with my boyfriend and I owe them presence during meet-ups when it would just be stressful/torture for me whether alone and much more when I bring my guy along. Seeing shared looks, rolling eyes, and so on. This post helped clear my mind..
“It’s our duty, and ours alone, to decide if a relationship (intimate or platonic) is right for us. If you and the other person both agree that it is, IT IS, and it’s worth working on, together.”
Sometimes, unhealthy relationships aren’t just with romantic partners. Personally, I find unhealthy relationships with friends more painful, because there is more stigma in “breaking up.” 🙁 I still don’t know what to do, but my mindset is changing thanks to this post. Self-care and self-worth, and surround yourself with people who support you.
Tehlanna says
No. 1 resonated with me the most. I have made the mistake of allowing others to have this kind of power over me, of controlling how I felt about my biggest hopes and dreams. I have allowed more than one spouse the power to subtly but unintentionally erode my self-confidence and my desire to pursue my own dreams. I have allowed them to make me feel guilty for wanting to spend money on an education, for spending my own time and energy away from the home, and for letting other things slide in pursuit of my own goals. It has been a challenge finding balance there, and that’s also a dream that I pursue.
Jo B. says
Marc, thank you for this article. the question you pose. ‘do you remember…’ resonates with me. I once forgot who I was and pretty miserable. I plan to write about your article on my blog. Thank you for your articulate, insightful statements.