The drama you are going through is not fueled by the words or deeds of others; it is fueled by your mind that gives it importance.
Why do we get so easily stressed out and sucked into drama?
It’s because the world isn’t the predictable, orderly, blissful place we’d like it to be. We want things to be easy, comfortable and well ordered. Unfortunately, work is hectic, relationships are challenging, people demand our time, we aren’t as prepared as we’d like to be, our family frustrates us, and there’s just too much to do and learn and process in our minds.
So we get stressed out, and drama ensues.
But the problem isn’t the world, or other people’s thoughts and behavior – these aspects of life will always be uncontrollable and a bit of a mess.
The problem is that we’re holding on too tightly to ideals that don’t match reality. We have subconsciously set up expectations in our minds of what we want other people to be, what we want ourselves to be, and what our work and relationships and life “should” be like.
Our attachment to our ideals stirs anxiety in our minds and stress in our lives.
Our resistance to accept things as they are fuels our drama.
And we don’t want to be a part of this drama – at least that’s what we tell ourselves – so we blame others for it … which in turn creates even more of it.
But there’s good news! We can let go of drama, and find peace with reality.
The Peace and Joy of No Drama
I’m going to suggest a simple practice for whenever you feel stress, frustration, worry, and all the other detrimental mindsets that bring drama into your life.
Ready?
Focus, carefully, on what you’re feeling. Don’t numb it with distractions, but instead bring it further into your awareness.
Turn to it, and welcome it. Smile, and give what you feel your full, thoughtful attention.
Notice the feeling in your body. Where is the feeling situated, and what unique qualities does it have?
Notice the tension in your body, and also in your mind, that arises from this feeling.
Try relaxing the tense parts of your body. Then relax the tense parts of your mind. Do so by focusing on your breath: Close your eyes, breathe in and feel it, breathe out and feel it, again and again, until you feel more relaxed.
In this more relaxed state, find some quiet space within yourself. And in this space…
- Allow yourself to rediscover the fundamental goodness within you, that’s present in every moment.
- Allow yourself to rediscover the fundamental goodness of this very moment, that’s always available to you whenever you’re willing to focus on it.
Take a moment and just sit with the inner peace these two simple rediscoveries bring.
This is the practice of letting go of drama, and simply accepting this moment as it is, and yourself as you are.
You can do this anytime, wherever you are. You can practice focusing on the goodness in others as well. Seeing the goodness in your challenges and relationships and work, and so forth.
You can stop the drama, and rediscover the peace and joy and love that are always close by.
Mantras to Help Stop the Drama
Since, like you, I’m only human, I still engage in drama when I’m in the heat of the moment sometimes. So I’ve implemented a simple strategy to support the practice I’ve outlined above. In a nutshell, I proactively remind myself NOT to create or engage in drama. Anytime I catch myself doing so, I pause and read the following mantras to myself (I keep them on my iPhone). Then I take some fresh deep breaths, and begin my practice…
- Needless drama doesn’t just walk into your life out of nowhere – you either create it, invite it, or associate with those who bring it.
- Do your best not to judge other people, for you do not know their pain or sorrows. If you cannot speak a kind word, say nothing at all. And if they cannot speak a kind word, say nothing at all.
- Most people make themselves unhappy simply by finding it impossible to accept life just as it is presenting itself right now. Be mindful.
- When you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself. And that changes everything. (Angel and I discuss this further in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Don’t bother worrying about whether there will be problems. There will be plenty of them, and you’ll work your way through every one of them.
- Worrying is a misuse of your incredible creative energy. Instead of imagining the worst, imagine the best and how you can bring it about.
- When you focus your heart and mind upon a purpose, and commit yourself to fulfill that purpose through small daily steps, positive energy floods into your life. (Angel and I build small, life-changing daily rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
- It’s OK to make mistakes. That’s how you get wiser. Give yourself a break, and don’t give up or give in to negativity! Good things take time, and you’re getting there.
- Remember, letting go of drama isn’t about having the ability to forget the past; it’s about having the wisdom and strength to embrace the present.
- Work hard in silence, do what you have to do, and ignore the drama and negativity surrounding you. Let your success be your noise.
Your turn…
How has needless drama affected you and your relationships? Do you have any thoughts or insights to share? We would love to hear from you. Please leave a reply below.
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Photo by: Brooke Cagle
Amandah says
Drama is so very prevalent and contagious in our lives and relationships. It used to plague my life daily!
And, as usual, you two have shared some extremely useful perspectives here! The combination of #9 and #10 especially hit home with me at the moment, and I love your whole practice of being present and letting go of it all.
Drama has affected my life in two big ways:
1) I used to let my tendency to worry about things I can’t control — future possibilities, other people’s thoughts and behaviors, etc. — consume my time and attention.
2) Constantly rehashing the past in my mind, and letting this habit affect my present relationships and opportunities.
And although I’m still a work in progress, I’ve made significant progress with eliminating drama from my life.
This quote from your book has been one of my guideposts for doing so — it has given me the perspective I need to make better choices:
“You just can’t save most people from themselves (and most people can’t save YOU — it goes both ways), so don’t get sucked too deep into drama. Those who make perpetual chaos of their lives won’t appreciate you interfering with the commotion they’ve created. They want your “poor baby” sympathy, but they don’t want to change. They don’t want their lives fixed by YOU. They don’t want their problems solved, their emotional addictions and distractions taken away, their stories resolved, or their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? They don’t know and they aren’t ready to know yet. And it’s not your job to tell them. But it is your job to start looking within.”
Thanks again, for everything you share.
Brandon C says
Love this reply. Thank you for this.
k.shivaram alva says
As usual, a great article! These are practical suggestions provided one is ready to practice them diligently. I am great fan of your thoughts. Thank you.
Juliet says
Great reply .. my thoughts exactly… I too am a big fan of this article.. and yes.. it has hit home.. i’ve been reading articles like this to help with my self growth… I will no longer allow myself to loose myself into such dramas.. If I can’t control it then I let it go and know that things will work out.. and allowing drama in my life is just not going to happen… thank you again for this article and this reply…
Bobbi Jaye says
How do you let it go though? I’m trying to figure that out.
Debbie Andrews says
This article was the most amazing thing it was just what i needed to read . Now I understand the next thing I needs to do. Thank you!!!
Elizabeth says
I totally can relate with you Amandah. I have the same drama especially worrying over people thoughts and behaviors, feeling like I am responsible for their actions at times, always wanting to help everyone I comes across.
Marc Chernoff says
Excellent reply, Amandah. I’m so happy that quote from our book resonated with you.
Laurie says
Well said. I can totally relate with Amandah. I needed to read this today. Thank you,
Karl says
Yes, drama is just a distraction from what truly matters. It’s a distraction from making the best of the present. Like Amandah above, your thoughts on issues like this are making a difference in my life. After the early passing of my mother, and a ridiculously dramatic, 2-year-long fight I had with my sister regarding our loss, I found your book, blog articles/emails, and coaching course. And it certainly didn’t happen over night, but I’ve let go of the past and the drama… and my sister and I are friends again. It’s sad how drama can literally take over our lives and relationships… and it’s crazy how many of us let it happen. I learned the hard way that love can give you the most incredible and wonderful highs at times … and then there will be deep dives of drama that will take all you have just to hold on to your sanity. But the dives don’t have to be this deep if we practice what M&A preach.
Thank you for the continued support.
Marc Chernoff says
You are welcome, Karl. I’m inspired to hear we’ve been able to assist you on your journey. Keep going. Small, positive steps.
Turenne says
These 10 mantras to face drama are good, but it is really the practice to focus on goodness that is the most powerful. It shifts the perspective to allow us deeper consciousness and than the mantras bring us further into that new perspective of peace and joy. Amazing post! Thanks!
Michelle says
My daughter is the main source of drama in my life. It’s like walking on egg shells with her. After loosing custody of her daughter to her ex-husband she wants me to jump on the band wagon of hating him. But he’s actually the better parent. I don’t want to alienate myself from my granddaughter so I refuse to get into these bashing sessions with my daughter. The drama is so intense she and I can’t even talk about her developing a better relationship with her daughter. I wish I could change this but I’m resolved now that I can only focus on MY relationship with my granddaughter.
joanne says
Michelle, that is a great focus. I can relate to your situation. When I put my focus, always, on the children who need me, it makes the drama fall away. I love what you have figured out. Keep the faith. you are not alone.
Marc Chernoff says
Yes, your relationship with your granddaughter is a beautiful focal point. 🙂
Tim says
Marc and Angel,
Yet another timely and very needed post. I have created all of my own drama for the past few years due to my addictions. The struggle to heal the wounds caused by my actions have generated drama but also peace in several ways. I find myself practicing many of the key points you suggest practically every minute of every day and they do work.
Keep up the great work!
Curt says
Excellent reminder of choosing the thoughts we allow in our minds. My wife recently had a brief affair which we are now dealing with and I have to remember that all the great things in my life, including her, far outnumber this short, albeit dramatic, episode. Remember that life cannot present you all of the answers in one moment or one day……you have to float downstream for awhile, then insights are revealed that we could not have seen clearly at the time of the negative event. Just have faith in yourself and let the negative thoughts float away….things will get better.
Liz says
Gratitude for your post today. A message that speaks to me as if written JUST for me in exactly the moment I need it more than ever. Thank you Marc and Angel for always hitting the “mark” in such an “angelic” and graceful way. Your messages are uplifting and healing, never accusatory or self-righteous. The quiet and gentle nature bring peace and hope. Thank you. More than you know.
stefany says
I’ve come to believe that drama can easily be dealt with if one knows how. Drama is just a simple distraction. A thief of the moment.
The thing with drama is it can come from different sources. It can come from external sources like friends, family and coworkers. who create and bring unnecessary hoopla into with them. Or it can come from internal sources when you actually worry about things that you cannot change or have no control over. Now this is the dangerous type of drama, the one where you are in conflict with yourself and it’s crazy how often we are in conflict with ourselves. From my experience in this type of drama the mantras provided work best.
Marti says
Drama runs rampant at my work location and the majority of the people who work on my team are much younger that I am (63). Each day when I arrive at work I leave my “baggage” in my car, come in, and start working like I’m self employed (I work for Disney!) at my cubicle. Yes, hearing the drama does get to me as I’m human, however as long as I stay focused on the task at hand, I’m good. Your information proves to be valuable to me and I appreciate it. Staying calm while focused helps us in a variety of ways. Blessings!
Heartbroken says
My drama usually comes from my need to control and the fights that follow with my husband. He recently started smoking again. When we met I made it clear I did not want to be with a smoker. My grandfather, who raised me, was a heavy smoker and died of cancer as a result. I know the smoking issue is my issue, but seeing him go back to the habit to “relax” is painful for me. We end up getting in bad arguments. He thinks I’m trying to control him, and all I am trying to do is protect myself from seeing someone I love hurt himself. I am going to try and apply these steps and focus on the good in him, because he is a great man. We have 4 amazing small children (ages 1-8) and it breaks my heart to see him chose a vice over his family. I know he has tough days as the stay at home parent. I have been in his shoes. It is hard to accept that someone I love chooses to be a smoker. The good thing is he never does it in front of our children and it’s only at night before bed. If anyone has any suggestions on how I can cope I would appreciate them. I am hoping he will make the choice on his own to stop again.
joanne says
Heartbroken, I do feel your pain, one thing I learned as I watched my father and now my husband turn to alcohol, is that we can’t change others. we can only change ourselves. so it is good you have decided to let it go. let it go completely. Alanon taught us that we are powerless over someone else’s addictions. if he is a good man and doesn’ t smoke around the children, I would just ignore it as much as possible. He perhaps is “self medicating” some trauma or unresolved issue in his life and hasn’t learned healthy coping. Be the role model in your family for love and gratitude for fresh air, exercise and health. I dont’ know if that helps, but I wouldn’t argue about it anymore. one of my mottos is “you don’t always have to say what you think.”
Venetia says
Very true, it is often best to focus on the good, within and without, which can be easily overlooked, and keep silent with the criticism. I need to practise this more! I find this helpful:
THINK..is it
True
Helpful
Inspiring
Necessary
Kind…
Marc Chernoff says
Heartbroken, do your best to support him with your love and understanding. He knows how you feel now — it’s time to let go of the idea that he “should” change in the near-term.
With that said, I truly understand your perspective. And I think this post would be a healthy read for you: 7 Things You Gain When You Let Go of Control
Sakhile says
I went to bed last night and woke up today feeling a bit weird, I was overthinking and imagining the worst because of something that someone had said in passing. They probably even forgot about that. I have been conversing with myself since then trying to stop the negative thinking. I opened my mail and came across this…Thank you, just what I needed this morning.
Mark Pool says
Great post. And so right. Other peoples dramas do effect us all. If you can filter these negative thoughts out it for sure leads to a happier life.
Kathleen says
I’m going to print this one out and save it for my future (or daily) salvation. Thank you!!!
heaven says
Always a joy M&A ,
I am just now rediscovering my true wants and what’s best for me in my life. I’ve made the decision to transition forward, and I’m so excited at the same time there still seems to be a bit of drama and I know it’s all a part of living but sometimes you have to endure to keep sanity. I’m feeling a bit down because I’ve taking so long to be true to myself without fear of judgment and all.its kinda weird because becoming this new person who has taken beating after beating and giving so much I’m unsure where I’ll stand with friends and family who choose to be in my life.but one thing is very clear to me that the best is yet to come.so I say goodbye to dramatic drama and hello sanity. Peace &blessings
Joshua Towers says
I love mantra number 1. Not only is it true but it’s also empowering. I love knowing about things we can control. And mantra number 1 clearly shows that, to a certain extent, we have control over the drama that is in our lives. It’s comforting to know that most of our drama is created by us and we have the power to eliminate it and avoid any drama in the future. Sometimes we may go through life thinking that we are magnets for drama. But your post shows that it’s quite the opposite. Drama won’t exist unless we create it. I would appreciate a post about what kind of drama we can create and how to look for ways to avoid it in the future. Can you create a blog post like that in the near future? Really would appreciate it.
Marc Chernoff says
Thanks for the kindness and suggestion, Joshua. I just put your suggestion in our idea file for future posts.
Karen Shatafian says
This is such a great post! I have a teenage girl and it seems her life is filled with drama. I am passing this on to her. It’s hard at that age to recognize your piece in the drama. I also tell my daughter once something has happened and she’s worked through it, to let it go. It does no good to keep rehashing it with others and maintaining the negative energy. Thanks for the post!
Su Srikanth says
I totally become a drama queen when my birthday nears(it’s this month). I get really stressed out of the things that I haven’t done and etc. But not this year. Because I dont fuel my brains for anymore drama.
Since many months I’ve been constantly reading your words and it inspired me hugely. Just wanted to thank you and keep inspiring like always.
(psst: I’ve quoted your words directly on my website (linked above), please let me know if that’s okay with you)
Many thanks
Su
Marc Chernoff says
Yes, as long as you link back to our site (the source), and only quote smaller parts of a larger article/email, you are more than welcome to share our work on your site.
PS: Happy birthday, Su! 🙂
Samantha Bedsworth says
My daughter is Drama. She uses it quite well to get attention and to have everyone thinking I caused her drama. We have a difficult relationship because she chooses drama over me and we have a challenging relationship because she can only be a put down artist to me. We live in different states and last yr. she caused a drama scene right in front of her daughter directed at me. Her daughter about eleven or twelve burst into tears. This was my grand daughter I had not seen since she was a toddler because my daughter has refused to allow me to visit for more than a day and then I’m ignored the day I show up and then the drama directed toward me and her husband has to take me to the bus stop. My grand daughter cried and begged her mother to stop. It did not work. A drama queen affects everyone in their path and the drama queen never apologizes nor realizes their behavior.