Are there people who constantly discourage you, tell you that you’re not good enough, and generally make you feel terrible about yourself?
These are what I call difficult people. And we all have some of them in our lives.
I was reminded of this today when a new course student emailed me saying:
“I have difficult people in my family that I have to deal with every day, and doing so drives me mad! I often lose my temper in the process. What can I do when these difficult people try to start trouble? How do shield myself from their negative behavior? What if I can’t completely get away from them?”
I have to confess: there isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution for dealing with difficult people. However, I’ve successfully used a number of strategies in my own life, and over the past decade Angel and I have also helped hundreds of students deal with the difficult people in their lives. So I do have a pretty darn good idea of what works.
Today, I want to answer our student’s inquiry publicly, and review some practical, peaceful ways to deal with difficult people – ways that don’t involve yelling, temper tantrums, and unnecessary stress…
Focus on solutions, instead of a person’s problems and difficulties.
Where and how you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you zero in on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you shift your focus toward actions that can improve your circumstances, you create a sense of self-efficacy that yields positive emotions and reduces stress.
The same exact principle applies when dealing with difficult people – fixating on how stressful and difficult they are only intensifies your suffering by giving them power over you. So when someone in your life is being difficult, stop thinking about how troubling this person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling their behavior in a positive way. This makes you more effective by putting you in the driver’s seat, and it will greatly reduce the amount of stress you experience when you’re interacting with them.
Set healthy boundaries and communicate compassionately.
There’s no question about it… oftentimes difficult people are going through a difficult time and are genuinely distressed, depressed, or even mentally and physically ill. Do your best to be kind and compassionate – not because they’re nice, but because YOU are.
With that said, however, you still need to separate their legitimate issues from how they behave toward you. If you let people get away with anything because they are distressed, facing a medical condition, or depressed, even, then you are making it too tempting for them to start unconsciously using their unfortunate circumstance as a means to an end. This is where setting healthy boundaries comes into play.
A few years back, I volunteered at a psychiatric hospital for children. I mentored a boy there named Dennis, a diagnosed Bipolar disorder patient. Dennis was really difficult sometimes, and would often shout obscenities at others when he experienced one of his episodes. But no one ever challenged his outbursts, and neither had I up to this point. After all, he’s clinically “ill” and can’t help it, right?
One day I took Dennis to a park to play catch. An hour into our little excursion, he entered one of his episodes and began calling me profane names. But instead of ignoring his remarks, I said, “Stop bullying me and calling me names, Dennis. I know you’re a nice person, and much better than that.” His jaw literally dropped. Dennis looked stunned, and then, in a matter of seconds, he collected himself and replied, “I’m sorry I was mean, Marc.”
The lesson here is that you can’t help someone by making unwarranted pardons for everything they do simply because they have problems. There are plenty of people who are going through extreme hardships who are not purposely difficult to everyone around them.
So you must show kindness and compassion, while also understanding that you can only act with genuine kindness and compassion when you set healthy boundaries. Making too many pardons and allowances is not healthy or practical for anyone in the long run.
Dedicate ample time every day to self-care.
You do not have to neglect yourself just because others do. Seriously, if you’re forced to live or work with a difficult person, then make sure you get enough alone time to rest and recuperate. Having to play the role of a “focused, rational adult” in the face of persistent negativity can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, the negativity can consume you.
Difficult people can keep you up at night as you constantly question yourself:
- “Am I doing the right thing?”
- “Am I really so terrible that they speak to me like that?”
- “I cannot BELIEVE he did that!”
- “I am so hurt!”
Thoughts like these can keep you agonizing for weeks, months, or even years. Sadly, sometimes this is the goal of a difficult person – to drive you crazy and bring you down to their level of thinking, so they’re not wallowing alone. And since you can’t control what they do, it’s important to take care of yourself so you can remain centered, feeling healthy and ready to live positively in the face of their negative behavior when you must. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
Dealing with Difficult People – 12 Quotes that Bring Peace
If you’ve been feeling drained by your regular encounters with a difficult person, I urge you to gradually implement and practice the strategies I’ve outlined above, one at a time. Then, as you’re doing this, proactively remind yourself NOT to engage in this person’s negative behavior. Don’t get sucked in…
Keep your composure. Keep your inner peace.
Do so by reading the following quotes (compiled from our book and blog archive) to yourself daily, until they become deep-rooted in your consciousness.
- The greatest stress you go through when dealing with a difficult person is not fueled by the words or actions of this person – it is fueled by your mind that gives their words and actions importance.
- It’s OK to be upset. It’s never OK to be cruel. Rage, hate, resentment and jealousy do not change the hearts of others – they only change yours.
- Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. Free yourself of the burden of being an eternal victim.
- Stay positive when negativity surrounds you. Smile when others refuse to. It’s an easy way to make a difference in the world around you.
- Gossip and drama ends at a wise person’s ears. Be wise. Seek to understand before you attempt to judge. Use your judgment not as a weapon for putting others down, but as a tool for making positive choices that help you build your own character.
- Always set an example. Treat everyone with kindness and respect, even those who are rude to you – not because they are nice, but because YOU are. And do your best to be thankful for rude and difficult people too – they serve as great reminders of how not to be.
- The way we treat people we strongly disagree with is a report card on what we’ve learned about love, compassion and kindness. Life is too short to argue and fight. Count your blessings, value the people who matter, and move on from the drama with your head held high.
- Don’t expect to see positive changes in your life if you constantly surround yourself with difficult people. The great danger of being around difficult people too often is that you start to become like them without even knowing it. So be mindful of the daily company you keep. (Just because you are kind and respectful to someone, does NOT mean you have to spend extra time with them.)
- Remember, what others say and do, and the opinions they have, are based almost entirely on their own self-reflection. Don’t take things personally. Instead of getting angry over the words of others, choose to be mindful and choose to grow stronger, one way or the other, because of them.
- Let the opinions of others inform you… don’t let them limit you. Don’t let anyone’s ignorance, hate, drama or negativity stop you from being the best person you can be. If you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth to others, you’ve already forgotten your value. Take a deep breath, and do what you know is right.
- If you really want to be happy and peaceful, then stop being afraid of being yourself, and stop thinking about what others think of you every second. There’s nothing selfish about giving yourself enough space for self-care. We can’t give what we don’t have. Experience life on your terms and you’ll be life-giving to others.
- Make it a daily ritual to work hard in silence, to do what you have to do, and to ignore the drama, discouragement, and negativity surrounding you. Let your success be your noise in the end. (Angel and I build quiet, life-changing rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
Your turn…
Please share this post with others who you think will benefit from it, and also share your thoughts with us in the comments section below. If you’re up to it, I’d love it if you shared an additional quote, reminder, or strategy that helps you be mindful and peaceful when you’re dealing with difficult people.
And finally, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter if you’re interested in reading more thought-provoking quotes and related life lessons like the ones covered in this article.
Photo by: Simon Wijers
Sue F says
Three things I’ve really embraced in the past couple of years with the difficult people in my life:
. Setting really good boundaries for myself.
. The ability to say no without feeling guilty.
. Finding my voice and standing up for myself.
Marc Chernoff says
Well done, Sue!
Anywar Collins Ochora says
I can honestly say have gotten a better handle of my self-control and and mindset from you posts and emails. Thank you. Your words are really glorious and life-changing.
Lori says
Thank you so much for this!
This came at the most needed time.
I’m currently living with a difficult person and it’s so draining all I do is spend time recharging. I was so tempted to fight fire with fire today but this article showed me that it’s useless. I’m just going to continue focusing on positive me and find my way out of this situation peacefully.
Thank you so much for this!
A says
Hello, is the difficult person a husband? What you write sounds very familiar!
chiz says
Nice one indeed. Setting healthy boundaries is a big relief for me when dealing with a difficult person. I ignore them for some time without closing the door. I show compassion and at the same time protect myself. It’s so draining as nothing is easy with them. Before, I would question myself all night thinking it was all my fault until I noticed that their objectives were to pull you down and make you miserable like them.
Your book is really molding me into a stronger lady. Thanks for existing!
Marc Chernoff says
Well done, Chiz. And thank you for supporting our work. I’m happy to hear that you’ve found incredible value in “1,000 Little Things”. 🙂
Chitra Sharma says
Beautiful. I love reading your articles, thank you!
Andrea says
Here are two of my favorites that I find helpful.
1. What other people think of you is none of your business
2. Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.
Marc Chernoff says
Love both of those. Thanks for sharing, Andrea.
Linzel McBride says
I also needed this to arrive in my inbox when it did. After an extremely difficult week dealing with certain family members your article gives me strength and encouragement. I am so thankful I found you and Angel.
Karen says
I also had a stressful weekend with a very difficult family member and this came this morning in my email. I was in funk all weekend and could not sleep . This email helped me see more clearly. Thank you
Marc Chernoff says
Linzel and Karen, you both are very welcome. Sending prayers of strength and endurance your way.
Saranya varthini says
Hi Marc,
I become stronger when I read your articles. Thanks for being my therapist 🙂
To happy writing and an peaceful life ahead!
Lisa says
Hi Marc and Angel,
First of all, thank you so much for your articles. I save every one of them and refer to them when I feel myself feeling weak. I am in a confusing situation where my grown children will not communicate with me. This began three years ago. Before that time we spent time together playing games, weekly cookouts, and every holiday and birthday. I went through menopause, had a hysterectomy, and quit my 18 year job at BMW building cars. I had not been in a relationship for 10 years then I met someone and started dating him. They did not want anything to do with meeting him and dropped me completely from their lives. I’m sure this is not the only reason but I truthfully dont know the real reason. It disturbs me that the answer to difficult people is to stop dealing with them. I feel like I apologized a thousand times to them for whatever I thought could be the reason… and still they don’t answer me and the worse of it is I don’t get to see my grandchildren growing up. Without your articles helping me to deal with other people I would be lost. Thanks again, Lisa
Marc Chernoff says
Lisa, I feel your pain. Sending prayers of strength your way.
Shelly says
Thank you so much for laying out these steps and strategies in dealing with difficult people. In less than an hour, I may be in a business meeting where a room full of people with strong varying opinions could quickly become a mine-field. Thank you for the encouragement – and reminders – that I am in control on myself and my perceptions. Difficult people can only bring me down if I allow it first in my own beliefs.
Maureen Rhodin says
What a timely email…as usual. Time to print and post on my wall at work to read through everyday. Thank you!
Chad says
Great read Marc! I especially liked #5. I’ve definitely noticed how judgemental people can be and it would behoove us to make an effort to understand things from their perspective. There’s a good chance that factors are involved that we don’t know about. Judge not, lest ye be judged.
A says
Hello. I have been reading your articles for about 2 years now, just quietly to myself everyday. I have been in a very stressful marriage for nearly 17 years, which has taken its toll to the point that for the past 2 years I have suffered a lot of emotional health issues, such as OCD, panic attacks and anxiety. However I have 3 beautiful young children, who love family life, whom I want to grow up with their father around, and I have chosen to stay and just do my best to be as positive as I can be. This article sums up my situation about living with a difficult, negative person, and the ideas given are so helpful and quite frankly, a life saver! I don’t know the people who write these articles personally, but I would like to thank you, sincerely, for the wonderfully positive ideas you give – they really do help me. Thank you and please know your work is very worthwhile 🙂
LJD says
Thank you so much for this article. I have recently had a negative encounter with a family member so this is very timely. Thanks again!
Virginia says
Thank you so much Marc and Angel. I really do learn alot from your emails. They do encourage me so much especially at my weakest point because they are always amazing . I am a young single mother and i graduated last year for my first degree and upto today i am jobless and putting something on table for my son is really hectic…………….i had very difficult time with his father who abandoned me immediately i got pregnant..i felt betrayed and useless but reading your articles daily gives me reason to smile and keep on pressing. Thanks alot and be blessed for your life saving words!
Nickolas says
“Rage, hate, resentment and jealousy do not change the hearts of others – they only change yours.” That’s so well put, and I am starting to actually see that’s true, that all my rate, hate, resentment and jealousy is like an invisible man banging against a window. My problem is more about a) how not to feel this stuff in the first place, and I am better at that but each day I’m caught unawares about something at least once, and b) I have a strange fascination for / attraction towards difficult people, like it’s a challenge I need cut my teeth on, a dog and his bone, and if I decide not to see those people, I feel like I have lost something that keeps me on my toes, so in a way I see them as necessary to my spiritual, emotional and mental development. Someone once asked me if I was masochistic. Is this a strange attitude to have? Does it come from having grown up in a difficult family where I had to keep an eye on things like 24/7? Is it a pattern I need to break out of? If I do break out of it, will I lose my developmental “edge” or will I develop anyway? This is kind of where I am right no. Some may call it all over the place, but I’m taking it more or less in my stride for the moment.
Lorraine says
Hi Marc and Angel..thank you for this article… difficult people suck the life out of you..it is very hard to deal especially when all you’re looking for in life is peace. Splendid peace. Hard to come by I find… please keep these articles coming.
Diane says
I just read this article on difficult people. I was laying in my bed depressed and full of anxiety an confusion. I’ve had a 3.5 year relationship with my boyfriend, an I feel his distance lately, lack of love. I’ve tried to talk with him but as you know most men have trouble expressing their feelings. He has been difficult. I don’t want to loose him. I read your article an for this very moment it has given me strength. I must read it over an over again to help me learn what to do….an what not to do. Thank you
Rachael says
I am so glad when I read a new article from you guys … this one is really amazing and helpful. God bless you both.
Helen says
Thank you Marc and Angel! Over the past several months, your course and coaching have actually helped me eliminate a truly difficult and toxic relationship from my life once and for all. One of the points you and Angel make in your course is to uphold your core values against the company you keep… to understand those values and live by them. In a somewhat natural fashion, difficult people (the wrong relationships) will gradually fade from your life when your values are upheld and exercised on a daily basis.
I have found this to be true in my life, and I have found that this positive way of living applies to both platonic and intimate relationships alike. And truly, I’d rather have less relationships than have endless difficulty in my life, like I used to have.
Also, your point about boundaries and compassionate communication is wonderful. I’ve made lots of progress in this area too. I’ve realized recently that another difficult person in my life was really just misunderstood by me, and our relationship started getting better once we cleared the air a bit.
Marc Chernoff says
You’ve been making incredible progress, Helen. And you deserve all the credit.
I’m glad this post resonated with you. 🙂
Jamie O'Brian says
Thank you so much. Your articles and emails are so helpful. I really needed this one to arrive in my inbox when it did. It’s so hard when the difficult person in your life is your daughter and you feel like you’re always trying to help her see the positive side of life, and it never helps. In the end, I’m the one that ends up feeling more upset because I allow her negativity to bring me down. I need to focus more on how I handle her behavior that’s out of my control, and less on trying to to teach her to overcome it. I have to realize that’s not my job. It’s her job. My job is my own well-being, and leading by example.
Marc Chernoff says
Well said, Jamie. You are on the right track.
Susan Jones says
This was also timely for me as I have a difficult daughter with anger issues also. Appreciate your thoughts..
Devon says
Just like Helen mentioned, I truly appreciate the balanced approach of boundaries and compassion you discuss here. It reminds me that we can stand up for ourselves without attacking anyone. And although I haven’t done any direct coaching with you, your book has been my daily coach. It has actually helped me find a great deal of balance in my relationships. I’ve since made it a point to surround myself with people who bring out the best in me, and also work through some difficult issues with those people whom I know are worth the added effort.
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for supporting our work. I’m happy to hear our book continues to move you in a positive direction.