As human beings, the stories we subconsciously tell ourselves about our circumstances, about others, and about life in general drastically changes how we feel. If the stories are positive, we tend to feel good. If the stories are negative, we tend to lose hope.
Of course, there’s more to feeling good than just being positive. The details of your present reality matter and make a difference, but generally speaking, you’re not going to have a good day today if you’re hell-bent on telling yourself otherwise.
To a degree you know this already, right? But there’s more…
The stories we tell ourselves don’t just change how we feel – they actually change what we see, what we experience, and what we know to be true. This is one of the primary reasons multiple people can go through the same experience, but interpret it differently. Each of us may enter a shared experience with a different story echoing through our mind, and our unique story – our inner dialog – alters the way we feel every step of the way, and so each of us exits this shared experience with a slightly different feeling about what just happened. And sometimes that slight difference makes all the difference in the world.
If we want to get on the same page with one another, and garner a better understanding of reality, we have to do a little work.
Perspective is Everything
In a way, the stories we tell ourselves narrow our perspective. When we enter an experience with a story about how life is, that tends to be all we see. This phenomenon reminds me of an old parable in which a group of blind men touch an elephant for the very first time to learn what it’s like. Each one of them feels a different part of the elephant, but only that one part, such as the leg, trunk, side, or tusk. Then the men eagerly compare notes and quickly learn that they are in complete disagreement about what an elephant looks like.
Something similar happens through our wide-ranging, different past experiences. Some of us have been deeply heartbroken. Some of us have lost our parents, siblings or children to accidents and illnesses. Some of us have dealt with infidelity. Some of us have been fired from jobs we relied on. Some of us have been discriminated against because of our gender or race. And when we enter a new experience that arouses prominent memories of our own painful story from the past, it shifts our perspective in the present – it narrows it.
When a negative past experience narrows our present perspective, it’s mostly just a defense mechanism. Every day of our lives we are presented with some level of uncertainty, and our innate human defense mechanisms don’t like this one bit. So our minds try to compensate by filling in the gaps of information by clinging to the stories we already feel comfortable with. We end up subconsciously trying to make better sense of everything in the present by using old stories and past experiences as filler. And while this approach works sometimes, other times our old stories and past experiences are completely irrelevant to the present moment, so they end up hurting us far more than they help.
This is where a little reframing works wonders.
Over the past decade Angel and I have successfully guided hundreds of course students through various reframing tools that have been proven to change our thoughts, broaden our perspectives, and shift our story lines in a positive direction. Doing so has helped these students feel better, think better, and gradually get their lives and relationships back on track. Today, I want to take a brief look at one of these reframing tools with you…
“The story I’m telling myself…” – A Reframing Tool
Many of the biggest misunderstandings in life could be avoided if we would simply take the time to ask, “What else could this mean?”
And while that question alone can help us reframe our thoughts and broaden our perspectives, using the simple phrase “The story I’m telling myself…” as a prefix to troubling thoughts has undoubtedly created more “aha moments” for our students in recent times. Here’s how it works…
“The story I’m telling myself…” can be applied to any difficult life situation, or any circumstance in which a troubling thought is getting the best of you.
For example, perhaps someone you love (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) didn’t call you on their lunch break when they said they would, and now an hour has passed and you’re feeling upset because you’re obviously not a high enough priority to them. When you catch yourself feeling this way, use the phrase:
“The story I’m telling myself is that they didn’t call me simply because I’m not a high enough priority to them.”
Then ask yourself:
- Can I be absolutely certain this story is true?
- How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?
- What’s one other possibility that might also make the ending to this story true?
Give yourself the space to think it all through, carefully. Mull it over, mindfully.
On the average day, I bet your answer to question #1 is “no,” and your answer to #2 is “not very good.” And I hope question #3 gets you doing more of…
“I don’t know why they haven’t called yet, but maybe…”
- “…they’re extremely busy at work today and barely had a lunch break.”
- “…they forgot to charge their phone last night and their battery is dead.”
- “…there was a misunderstanding and they were waiting for me to call them.”
- etc.
Challenge Yourself to Think Differently
“The story I’m telling myself…” and the three related questions gives you a tool for revisiting and reframing the troubling or confusing situations that arise in your daily life. From there you can challenge the stories you’re subconsciously telling yourself and reality-check them with a more objective mindset, which ultimately allows you to make better decisions about everything.
So challenge yourself to use this tool… to think differently.
Detach yourself from the stories you’re telling yourself. Go deeper into reality. Don’t just look at the surface. Investigate. Observe without presupposing.
Who knows what you’ll see when you stop looking through a lens drastically narrowed by half-truths, and you start seeing things with a clearer mind. Maybe you’ll start seeing things you never saw before. Maybe you’ll start experiencing things you never experienced before. Maybe you’ll learn lots of new lessons you needed to learn. And maybe you’ll gradually become the person you always knew you could be. (Angel and I also dive deeper into reframing at our annual conference – get the full recording of Think Better, Live Better 2016 for free today when you join our course. Note: you can watch short clips here and here.)
Closing Thoughts
At the very least, I hope this post reminds you that positive thinking isn’t about expecting the best to happen every time – it’s about accepting what happens every time, being mindful, and making the very best of it.
The way you think about things makes all the difference!
So, I’ll leave you with this…
A puppy thinks: “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a warm, dry home, pet me and take good care of me…
… THEY MUST BE GODS!”
A kitten thinks: “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a warm, dry home, pet me and take good care of me…
… I MUST BE A GOD!”
Same situation, different thinking.
To a great extent, we make our own life stories by our thoughts. The reality we ultimately create is a process of our daily thinking. And when our daily thinking is right, our daily actions can’t be wrong in the long run. (Angel and I build actionable, mindset-shifting daily rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
Your turn…
We would love to hear from YOU.
What’s a story (or recurring thought) you sometimes tell yourself that hurts you more than it helps?
Any other thoughts or stories to share?
Please leave a reply below.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Jason says
Wonderful! The simple phrase and questions you’ve provided will certainly change my thoughts and spare some unnecessary pain when my wife and I get caught up in future disagreements. Too often I take her bad moods personally. For example, if she pulls away from me, or if I feel like a kiss I gave her isn’t reciprocated, I tend to get upset. In the heat of the moment, the story I tell myself is that she’s doing this on purpose to me, when in fact she’s just dealing with her own issues–her own bad mood. And sometimes the reverse situation happens too–she takes my bad moods personally.
Anyway, I’m going to share this post with her, and hopefully we can work through your suggestions here together. This won’t be the first time either… We actually enrolled in your happiness course together last year, and implemented some of your suggested daily rituals into both our personal relationship and our side business we run together. And we’ve seen incredible progress on both fronts. We haven’t done any reframing exercises yet, but after reading this, I see incredible value in doing so.
Thanks, as always.
Marc Chernoff says
You have made incredible progress. Keep up the great work, Jason! 🙂
Benjamin says
I have been telling myself that a certain girl really liked me and that we were meant for each other because we share similar backgrounds. We come from homes with abusive dads and we both have stepmothers who were not able to have kids. We grew very close and I started to feel like she liked me so much that I intereferd in her relationship and ended up almost telling her dad that she was in relationship with someone. Her dad is very strict and would kill her if he knew she was in a relationship with someone because she comes from an indian culture where they have arranged marriages. It made her lose trust in me and ever since she didnt want anything to do with me. Its been so hard for me to accept that its over because of the story i had created in my mind.
Jazmine says
I always tell myself that I was an extremely bad mother because I was constantly yelling and emotionally distant from my child for four years. I realized I was depressed and I wasn’t mentally prepared to nurture my child. I always tell myself I could’ve been more loving towards him. I think about that everyday. I’m crying as I type this. It’s hard to tell myself that I wasn’t a bad mother because I was.
Meg says
Marc and Angel, I actually attended your live Think Better event earlier this year, and this post reminded of the self-inquiry reframing tools you introduced there. I’ve actually been applying self-inquiry on a weekly basis and it’s really shifted my perspective in a positive way.
The story I kept telling myself is that I wasn’t good enough or educated enough to take the next step in various parts of my life. But with your guidance and the tools you provided me, I’ve been pushing past this story over the past few months and I’m seeing incredible results. 🙂
Marc Chernoff says
Meg, it was so nice to meet you at our conference. And it’s inspiring to hear that the tools we showed you have been working well for you.
PS: I hope you attend our 2017 “Think Better, Live Better” event too. More details coming via email soon.
Beverly Herald says
Wow! This post showed up in my email inbox at a perfect time!
My recurring thought/story lines up with your example of not receiving a call from a loved one on time, and it also lines up with what Jason mentioned above in his comment. When my boyfriend or family fall short of my expectations, I often take it personally and I sometimes even blow up on them. So, I’m going to start using “The story I’m telling myself…” phrase and these questions. And I’m looking forward to you and Angel announcing your next live seminar. I would like to attend.
Thank you so much for this post! And thank you for your book and other teachings too!
Marc Chernoff says
You are welcome! And more info on the next live seminar “Think Better, Live Better 2017” is coming via email soon.
Jennifer Owens says
Tremendously relevant, and oh so helpful. This has been a key point for me in different situations for me for some time. Its an excellent reminder for me. As I deal with issues from my paat, my instinct is to use past coping mechanisms that are old, childish, and don’t work for me anymore. Since early spring, and WDS2016 especially, I have been working on writing a new story!
Marc Chernoff says
Well done, Jennifer! Keep going. 😉
Bronwyn Davies says
Thank you for your words of wisdom, I find having to deal with toxic people really hard, especially people passing judgements. I try to be happy and positive but the reality of this is hard to practice in this world , finding like minded people to be around is becoming a need! Finding a place to live with people I feel comfortable is worth more than money for me now
Irena says
I can hear you, experience the same pattern. But I realize that people are reflected some part of myself. So I trust that not wanting been among toxic people just a sign to move on. To leave this part of my old self behind. And learn to be comfortable in that space with new, higher standard myself, until outer world will reflect it and opportunities to meet likeminded people will be presented.
Sadmom21 says
The story I tell myself is that I am unappreciated because I have to do everything around the house without a thank u
Geri Smtih says
Sadmom21, that feeling is probably felt by most moms so often, so you are definitely not alone. One thing I do when this bothers me is pray or meditate on the reasons I have a “house to do anything around”. For instance, if I am swamped by laundry, I thank God for the 3 children that are able to run around all day and get dirty and generate all the laundry. I try thinking of the women that couldn’t have children and how they would love to be buried in this much dirty laundry. This strategy came to me when a friend of mine lost her baby. I had a difficult sleeper and I was often rocking or holding him to sleep. I was holding him one night – tired and frustrated – and it occurred to me what my my friend would give to have a baby that just needed to be held. I put books in this babies room and used this time to read while I held him. He is 21 now and I actually cherish all those hours just holding him…..Good luck! You are appreciated (at least by other moms who totally understand).
Sarah says
Ah-ha! I’ve been telling myself the very same thing. Time to think up some other possible explanations. Thank you for helping me to see the story I’ve been telling myself. And thank you for all the hard work you do every day, my friend!
Chuck Schwartz says
Couldn’t agree more….I might add that improving our ‘daily perspective’ can be as simple as changing and forming better daily habits…it’s easy to begin each day carrying over the negative thoughts from yesterday (whether it’s bitterness towards something that ‘happened to you’, the current political climate, or even your favorite team lost a tough game)…starting each day with positive habits can change your perspective…immediately upon rising each day I make an entry in my Gratitude Journal (‘what am I grateful for today’)…what a difference maker! I then look to read something inspiring (which today ended up being this post!)…the new day begins so differently with just a little adjustment in behavior…..
Barbara DeJong says
My story I tell myself constantly when I walk into a room full of people or attend an event for my children is “everyone is looking at me and thinking badly of me. They don’t like me. They are going to be mean to me.”. I will then become extremely nervous and defensive. I stutter and get tongue-tied.
The hate this feeling so I avoid most situations by saying I sick and cannot go. I do not want to be this way anymore. I want to be happy and outgoing. Your articles help me. I attempt your suggestions, but I seem to fall right back to my old ways.
Please continue send great articles and advice. I have your book and read inserts faithfully.
Thank you,
Wanting Happiness
Raquel says
Marc and Angel. .
You are both such
AMAZING
gifts to this world !
Thank you….Merci.
In any language…..
You ROCK!!!!!
Jacqueline says
Fantastic advice, mull it over, i think we use our devices today and expect answers immediately, and give answers immediately often without any thought, this is so great i really will try to apply this to my life,
my 8 week old kitten coming tonight, haha can,t wait he,s called Joey and yes i will be a servant to him and he will rule and get his own way and demand, spoil him but eh…..
thanks again fantastic blog
love Jacqueline
kagiso says
thank you guys for all your hard work and for being there, love you.
Jane says
I am 66 years old and have just recently found a way to cope with situations that are unpleasant. I know that this lifetime my lessons to learn are humility, forgiveness and patience. I never pray for patience because I know that the only way to learn that is to have my patience tested and at my age, been there so many times. Humility and forgiveness are thrown at me many times each week, and so I’ve come up with a coping mantra of “Swimming Lessons – jumped into the deep end on that one”….The only way you can learn to swim is by doing it…you can read about it but unless you practice it you will never learn how to do it….so, when I am tested by being humiliated and need to show forgiveness, I just tell myself…”another opportunity to learn, not to drown, especially the big whoppers” of which I had one just this morning. It really does help me to forgive and let it go…I wish I had had the awareness of this when I was a pre-teen.
Nancy McGlinchey says
I became a widow at 73 after a 46 year marriage. A year later I met a sweet old gentleman 10 years my senior. We had a whirlwind romance and partied and travelled and took wonderful cruises until recently. He has become disabled with painful legs and feet and a burdensome groin hernia that can’t be repaired because of his age.
I am having a bit of trouble adapting to my new role as care-giver. He is so frustrated at not being able to do things that were once so easy. Just going to a restaurant for dinner is a big deal. How can I change my thinking? There is no chance that his condition will improve. I feel trapped and dismayed.
MizLaTee says
Nancy, what a change of scenery for you, once again. How can you make his final years on this earth as memorable as the two of you made the whirlwind romance years? That is what I would be asking myself. How would he like to see you–feeling irritated and upset or getting out a bit on your own and coming home to him happy with stories to share. I might get a care giver to allow each of you a break and give thanks for all the goodness that has come into your life–both before this man and currently. I’ve been a caregiver for my mother and I know how hard it is. It takes a physical and emotional toll on the one assisting. But when you are physically at risk by helping the other person–it’s time to call someone else in! I hope you enjoy many more happy years with this gentleman.
Nancy says
MizLaTee – Thanks for your words of support and encouragement and helpfulness. Today I read a sentence in a short story in The Sun Magazine that rang a bell for me. The author is Amber Burke and the story is titled, “A Good Daughter.”
“The thousand arrows of the grief you dread are already in the air, flying this way, and all you have to protect you is the feeble shield of your irritation.”
Hussain Fahmy says
Great Advice, Thanks
Caroline Driver says
Brilliant. I need to remember this at 3 in the morning, which tends to be the time my mind is running away with all sorts of ridiculous scenarios, catastrophising like crazy and keeping myself awake.
Sylvie says
So true, we are what we think.
Therefore we must change our way of thinking to be more positive.
We have to stop ourselves from thinking, Its all about me, because it really isn’t and shouldn’t be.
I love the two captions of the Puppy and the Kitten. LOL
Isn’t that so true.
One is “Grateful ” and the other is “Egotistical and Selfish”.
Ask yourself, who do you want to be??
Jody D says
I often have to remind myself that I could be operating on old or misguided assumptions. I put a note in my work-space that says “Have you visited your assumptions today?”
Sometimes we form an opinion about someone or some idea and then cling to it from then on. I’m amazed at the number of people who absolutely certain that their point of view is correct and refuse to consider new information.
Amy says
Amazing, wonderful, awesome, splendid, enthusiastic write-up. Thanks a lot for being so generous! Keep the flag flying!
Frank - Houston says
When someone asks how business is, I find myself saying it’s terrible with the collapse of the energy industry….and sure enough it is terrible. I believe I will now say it is good with new prospects and with new opportunities.
Francis taiwo says
This article is simply Amazing. It’s such an eye opener that I gained and learned a lot from. Thanks Marc and Angel.
Blessings!
Hannelore says
Hi Marc and Angel,
Thanks for the great articles!
I am having a major problem right now with my weight.
I’m a yoyo dieter and have been all my life……up, down, up, down. I can’t seem to fight this dreadful situation. Each time,i lose the weight,i seem to keep it off for up to over 2 years, then slowly start to have a different change of attitude and start gaining it back. I’m so frustrated.
What are some things I can tell myself to get back on the right track when I fall of the wagon.
Please help me get that motivation back and keep this weight of forever. Thanks for everything you do.
Hannah
Francisco says
As usual, a simple solution to many a complicated problem, a solution which is not always obvious.. Thank you.
Charlotte says
Thanks Marc & Angel for an amazing article that will assist me in the breakthrough I have longed for. I’m 32 years of age- smart, good looking woman with a big heart but after 2 failed engagements; I had to finally realise that I’m the destroyer of my own happinesses because of the weakness in me called “assumptio”. I have never given any of my partners a chance to truly enjoy me because I turn to assume the worst. This assuming nature has thus affected my self esteem in relationships because I turn to take everything personal and always draw the worst conclusions of what people are doing, thinking and saying to me. After my last relationship I have decided to take the time to work on this weakness and reading this article has really opened a door to hope.
Thanks a million
ns iyer says
The kitten story was the point of inflexible ton and also a point for reflection.
Touch, moved and inspired.
Ekeorji Ifeoma says
Good morning Marc…. This is absolutely true about myself. Recently have start thinking positively out of every wrongs that comes my way, especially in my relationship with someone I love. Previously he is always the one to make a move in calling me, spending time with me on calls but everything turns down since this year. I starts thinking maybe I’m not at the top-list now, may be I’m not his one priority but he kept telling me his busy.. But when I start recently believe his busy…. I feel peace again in my relationship. Even if he promised to call and never called back… I tell myself he’s busy.. And my peace I got. Thanks for sharing sir! God bless you loads.
Petra says
Thank you Marc & Angel , your book and articles have been helping me through a challenging time . I purchase a book for my sister I sent her your articles and have shared how it has been helping me. I am thankful for the giving people that you are.
Iris says
I choose to give to symbols good meanings, I know some people use symbols to pretend have good intentions which in reality is not practiced. it’s so confusing to connect to someone that is using symbols to manipulate people, that some of those people are going to be blind until they reach the awareness of what’s really going on. They could be blind to some part of reality but they actually have their own experiences and explanations which are legit, so do I and you.
From now on my practice is to revert the bad meanings people give to good symbols while being conscious about my definition of good. I do take the challenge of building my version of a healthy world. And actually the whisper was paltry in the core of a truth. This is the difference between talking about it and being there
Kim says
The timing of this was amazing. I know I have to be vigilant in the story I tell myself which are rarely true and cause me to take things personally when friends or family fall short of my expectations. The story I keep telling myself is that “I don’t matter” I am not appreciated or “they don’t care”. These aren’t based on the truth but on my own insecurities from a rough time in my childhood. To make things worse I often react instead of respond and the end result is I feel hurt and so does the person at the receiving end, all of which could have been avoided had I asked myself the question ” what story am I telling myself” Thank you for this wonderful tool.
RAM says
Right on target. Thanks.
JC Penney associate says
Marc and Angel, I really went to your live Think Better occasion prior this year, and this post helped to remember the self-request reframing devices you presented there. I’ve really been put forth a concentrated effort request on a week by week premise and it’s truly moved my point of view emphatically. The story I continued letting myself know is that I wasn’t adequate or taught enough to step in different parts of my life. In any case, with your direction and the apparatuses you gave me, I’ve been pushing past this story in the course of recent months and I’m seeing staggering results.
Chris says
Wow! Is all that I can say.
Thanks Marc and Angel =)
Deb Weaver says
Falling into the trap of thought patterns that mimic those of my failed marriage. I’m a very linear thinker; so when when someone’s expressed thoughts don’t result in their planned actions, it throws me off. On one hand, I want to hold them accountable, especially if their plans included me, and I’ve constructed my time accordingly. On the other hand, I know I am only accountable to myself, and for myself. It’s difficult to know where to draw that line.
Johnson McJohnson says
The story I’m telling myself is that I am alone in a hostile and yet ultimately insignificant world. I was born, I will suffer and I will die. The best I can hope for is to minimize the grief whilst my fart of a life dissipates into the perspectiveless cosmological void. Good times!