Over the past decade, between the two of us, Angel and I have read hundreds of books on relationships, coached hundreds of students who were struggling to find happiness in their relationships, and interacted with over 100,000 blog subscribers (subscribe here) who continue to ask us questions and tell us stories on a daily basis about their relationships.
All of this has given us keen insight into the behaviors and habits that make relationships work well in the long run. In our course and coaching, and at our live events, Angel and I often refer to these as the “qualities of conscious, loving relationships.”
So what exactly is a conscious, loving relationship?
It’s a relationship, intimate or platonic, in which…
1. Both people are emotionally self-reliant.
If your happiness is dependent on the constant validation and approval you receive from someone else, then you are giving away far too much of your power. It’s human nature to want to be liked and admired, to want to be included, but it’s damaging to your self-esteem and emotional strength if it’s something you have to constantly fight for.
The key is to nurture your own inner strength, and then bring it into your relationships with you.
Think of a relationship as a home you live in. Whether you like your home or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged – it’s how you arrange your mind. You have to decide to love yourself in it, and then radiate this inner love outwards.
All the love and validation you need is yours to give yourself. So the next time you feel pressured to impress someone, try taking a deep breath and then remind yourself that you don’t owe anyone your constant justification. Revel in the reality that you get to choose. You have the authority to decide how to spend your time and energy. And here’s the real beauty of it: When you don’t owe anyone anything – when you’re self-reliant – you’re free to give and receive love from the heart, without baggage.
Come from this place of wholeness, of inner strength and independence, and then love others. Not because you need them to love you back, not because you’re desperate to be needed, but because loving them is a miraculous thing to do.
2. There’s a solid foundation of mutual acceptance.
Above all, acceptance means two people agree to disagree with each other on some things, and they’re perfectly OK with it.
Differences of opinion (even major ones) don’t destroy relationships – it’s how people in a relationship deal with their inevitable differences that counts.
Some friends and couples waste years trying to change each other’s mind, but this can’t always be done, because many of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences in how they see the world and how they see themselves. By fighting over these deep-seated differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and running their relationship into the ground.
So how do conscious, loving friends and couples cope with disagreements that can’t be resolved?
They accept one another as is – they understand that problems are an inevitable part of any long-term relationship, in the same way chronic physical difficulties are inevitable as we grow older and wiser. These problems are like a weak knee or a bad back – we may not want these problems, but we’re able to cope with them, to avoid situations that irritate them, and to develop strategies that help us ease the pain. Psychologist Dan Wile said it best in his book After the Honeymoon: “When choosing a long-term partner or friend, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next 10, 20 or 50 years.”
So just remember that the foundation of love is to let those we care about be unapologetically themselves, and to not distort them to fit our own egotistical ideas of who they should be. Otherwise we fall in love only with our own fantasies, and thus miss out entirely on their true beauty. Let this be your reality check. Instead of trying to change the people you care about, give them your support and grow together, as individuals. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
3. Intentional communication is devotedly practiced.
No one on this green Earth is a mind reader. Share your thoughts openly. Give those you care about the information they need, rather than expecting them to know it all. The more that remains unspoken, the greater the risk for problems. Start communicating as clearly as possible. Don’t try to read anyone’s mind, and don’t make anyone try to read yours. Most problems, big and small, within a relationship start with broken communication.
Also, don’t listen so you can reply – listen to understand. Open your ears and mind to people’s concerns and opinions without judgment. Look at things from their perspective as well as your own. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Even if you don’t understand exactly where they’re coming from, you can still respect them. You can still put your phone away, turn your body towards them, and look them square in the eyes. Doing so demonstrates that you actually want to communicate with them and hear what they have to say. This reinforces the sort of supportive environment that’s crucial for the growth of any relationship.
4. Disagreements are dealt with positively.
When disagreements in a relationship arise, the easiest thing to do is to run away, especially if you’re not a confrontational person by nature. But you have to catch yourself, because this isn’t just about YOU and whether or not you feel like dealing with your differences. It’s about what your relationship needs in order to grow and thrive in the long run. You have to put your relationship’s needs ahead of your own for a moment. Both people must be committed to dealing with disagreements openly, because running from them will only make matters more difficult to deal with down the road.
One of the most simple and effective tools people in relationships can use to ease the process of dealing with disagreements is using positive language. Relationships flourish when two people are able to share their innermost feelings and thoughts in a positive way. One effective method of doing this during a disagreement is to do your best to avoid using the word “you” and try to use the word “I” instead. This makes it much easier to express your true feelings while avoiding the possibility of verbally attacking the other person. So… Instead of saying, “You are wrong,” try saying, “I don’t understand.” Instead of telling them, “You always…” try saying “I often feel…” It’s a subtle shift that can make a dig difference. (Angel and I build conscious, loving communication rituals with our students in the “Love and Relationships” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
5. Both people are allowed to save face.
My grandmother once told me, “When somebody backs themselves into a corner, look the other way until they get themselves out, and then act as though it never happened.” Allowing someone to save face in this way, and not reminding them of what they already know is not their most intelligent behavior, is an act of great kindness. This is possible when you realize that people typically behave in such ways because they are in a place of momentary suffering. They react to their own thoughts and feelings, and their behavior often has nothing to do with you.
At some point we all inevitably have unreasonable mood swings. We all have bad days. Giving your partner and friends the space to save face, and not taking things personally when they’re occasionally upset, cranky or having a bad day is a priceless gift. Even if you are unquestionably right and they are unquestionably wrong, when emotions are flying high and you force them to lose face, you’re simply bruising their ego. You’re accomplishing nothing but diminishing their own worth in their own eyes.
Do your best to let the people in your life preserve their dignity. Give them space, let the emotions settle, and then have a rational conversation using the positive communication tactics discussed above in point #4.
6. Personal growth is habitually sought and supported.
You know how to tell if something is alive and well? You look for evidence of growth.
Conscious, loving relationships contain two people who are committed to lifelong learning and growth. They’re curious about things. They’re keen to learn from the world and from each other. And because of their love for learning, they afford each other the freedom to develop as individuals within the relationship.
Throughout a decade of coaching our students, Angel and I have seen lots of unhappy relationships that were caused primarily by one or both people being clingy. In a nutshell, these “clingy” people didn’t want their friends or partners to change.
But here’s the simple truth: Change is a part of the universe and human beings are no exception.
If you want to have a successful relationship, you’ve got to embrace personal growth with open arms, and all the changes that come with it.
Conscious, loving relationships always move in the direction of personal growth: for the relationship as a whole and for each individual in it. When you connect with a true friend or partner, this person helps you find the best in yourself. In this way, neither of you actually meet the best in each other – you both grow into your best selves by spending time together and nurturing each other’s growth.
7. Love prevails.
This final point encompasses the previous six, and then some…
In a conscious, loving relationship, two people love each other more than they need each other. Because of this, the relationship itself becomes a safe haven to practice love.
And love, ultimately, is a practice – a daily rehearsal of honesty, presence, communication, acceptance, forgiveness, and stretching the heart and mind through new and vulnerable dimensions.
Sadly, sometimes we treat love like it’s a destination. We want to arrive at that “perfect” feeling all the time, and when we don’t, we’re not satisfied with what the relationship has become. But this is missing the whole point of love – and it’s not a conscious thing to do.
Love is a daily journey. It’s showing up for all the unexpected and inconvenient nuances of a relationship, taking a deep breath, and asking yourself, “What would love do here?” The answer will be different almost every time, and because of this, you’ll be driven to think and grow beyond yourself.
A conscious, loving relationship is intensely committed to being the embodiment of love. And through the mutual devotion two people practice, a continuous stream of tenderness, affection and wisdom shows up in their lives and in their relationship in immeasurable ways they could have never imagined or planned for.
Your turn…
How have your relationships been affected by the points discussed above? How could you bring more consciousness and love into your relationships?
We would love to hear from YOU. Please leave a reply below.
Also, our next annual Think Better, Live Better conference is taking place February 18-19, 2017. Sign-up here to be notified when tickets go on sale, and you will also be automatically qualified for a discounted early bird ticket (while they last). Note: you can watch short clips from our 2016 event here, here and here.
Photo by: Kristina Litvjak
Sarah says
Your first point really bangs it out of the park for me. Truly, I started following your work when I was in the midst of a nasty divorce nearly six years ago, and the reason I’m still getting so much out of your coaching and teachings today is because you continue to make me a stronger person. There was a time as I was going through the divorce that I felt like I couldn’t survive on my own two feet, but now I’m as sturdy as a rock most of the time. And my renewed self-reliance and self-confidence has also allowed me to connect more consciously with other people. It’s almost crazy to say it, but I think I’m better at building and nurturing healthy relationship now than I ever have been in my 51 years of living.
Thanks for an excellent article! And thanks for everything. I also signed up to learn more about your 2017 conference when tickets go on sale.
Marc Chernoff says
I’m so inspired to hear about the progress you’ve made, Sarah. You only have yourself to thank for putting in the positive daily effort. Well done!
And of course, we hope to see you at Think Better, Live Better 2017. 🙂
Christian says
My wife and I have been married for 37 years, and I have to agree with everything highlighted in this post. I especially liked what you said in number 2. Whenever my adult children mention their relationship issues to me, I reinforce the importance of mutual acceptance. No two people see things the exact same way. Healthy lifelong relationships are about flexibility, open-mindedness, and compromise.
Thank you for this write-up! I will be sharing it.
And thank you for your 1,000 things book too. I actually gave my adult children copies of your book this past holiday season, and both of them have thanked me for it and even referenced it a few times. And I see that as a very positive thing.
Sarah Jane says
I really liked what you have said beautiful comment 🙂
Marc Chernoff says
Beautiful sentiment, Christian. And thank you sharing our book with your family. 🙂
Debra says
Again, your words arrive in my inbox right when I need them most.
I had a terrible argument with my boyfriend this morning and your positive language suggestions in #4 probably could have saved me from a ton of unnecessary yelling and tears. Now that I’ve had a chance to think about it, I can see how I handled things incredibly poorly. But my boyfriend and I have made our amends, and I intend to practice your suggestions from this moment forward, anytime there’s a disagreement or argument.
Patricia. Shark says
I am so glad to have read this, and it’s about time I forward this to my children. I am learning more about relationships and having peace in my life. Thank you, as I look forward to reading your emails and articles weekly, especially when I feel troubled by what others do.
Elrich says
This was a really good reading session. Thank you for clearing my mind about my relationships, it’s helping me see things differently.
Chuck says
Great words….thank you! I became divorced after a long marriage upon waking up one day very unhappy – and mainly because I allowed all those years prior to be lived without using the elements (any or all) that you discussed…I stayed quiet when I should have voiced my opinions and disagreed with important decisions, I worked harder when money became an issue (even though money was abundant and never an issue – living WAY above our means was the issue), I gave in rather than participate in improving things, including eventually the relationship itself….. I’ve taken responsibility for my part (via years of counseling), and realized also that my role models shared many of my behaviors….those I looked to for guidance (unconsciously) paved the way for my silence and my ‘hard work’, my giving in….thankfully today I am a different (better) person for all of this….the ending of my marriage was painful, but I bring far better qualities (a better me) to my new relationship and to my children now….
Marc Chernoff says
Life is a journey. It’s inspiring to hear that you’ve learned and applied some of the hardest lessons imaginable. Growth isn’t easy, but it’s well worth it. Thank you for sharing a small piece of your story with us, Chuck. 🙂
Anemarija says
Hi, Marc and Angel.
Somehow I thought of this short story, while reading this post:
A reporter asked an old couple: “How did you manage to live together for 65 years?” To what they replied: “We were born in a time when if something was broken we would fix it, not throw it away.”
I think that all relationships need work, so they can flourish. Sometimes it may seem that it is easier to give up, but if both sides really want the relationship to work, they will find a way.
Of course you should not force it as well. I guess you guys explain it a lot better and more detailed. Thanks again for an inspiring post!
Marc Chernoff says
I love that story, Anemarija. Thank you for sharing it.
Eileen Light says
I believe you encompassed this blog and the message you were sending with one statement. “What would love do here?”
When we think of this statement. We all will do things far differently.
Excellent message!
Sarah Jane says
Such truth 🙂 Indeed!!
Anne says
I enjoyed this info very much & am happy that my husband and I are on the right path. We have been married 15 years and the relationship just keeps getting better. We love each other very much and share Christian values. Thank you for all you do!
Shella Miller says
I appreciated the positive relationship qualities post this morning! The attributes, beliefs and behaviors you describe simoultaneously preserve an individual and enhance the relationship. However, a successful relationship is predicated on the assumption that both parties are generally willing and capable of acting in these reasonable, co-mutual ways. What if they are not? I’ve grown over the past 5-6 years to be emotionally self-reliant much to the dissatisfaction of my 10+ year spouse who regularly feels threatened by my emotional and economic independence. Even after years of counseling and coaching, my spouse still does not communicate regularly or effectively with me – we have regular, often weekly misunderstandings because he withholds information or miscommunicates (but not maliciously). He doesn’t embrace personal growth for himself very much and often dislikes the time I take to pursue my own personal growth interests because he perceives it as taking away from our “together” time. From one day to the next, the way he treats me varies depending on how he feels about his own needs being met in the relationship. If he’s in a happy place and I’m meeting his expectations, he treats me really well. If not, he withdraws affection, turns moody, and there’s a higher likelihood of a small bump turning into an all-out throw-down. I know in relationships it takes two people to either make things work or not work, but what do you do when it’s truly one person’s behavior that is causing regular turmoil and unrest?
Marc Chernoff says
Shella, at some point, it’s simply about accepting who the other person is, as is, and then owning the fact that you still have to grow and evolve for your own sake. We did talk a little more about this in this post/video: https://www.marcandangel.com/2016/10/16/4-toxic-behaviors-that-tear-relationships-apart/
Amy says
This is so inspiring! I’ve really learnt a lot! Thank you so much!
surbhi says
Beautiful relationship tips. Really helpful. Thanks again for keeping this blog up.
Lisa says
I am right there with Debra’s comments above….an argument with my boyfriend yesterday left us both feeling miserable. We have since mended fences, but forwarded this article to him this morning and told him that I was going to print it out and carry it with me so I have good, supportive advice whenever I need it. #3 hit home for me…making an effort to see things from each others point of view is crucial. Thank you for yet another well-timed pick-me-up read!
Frank A. says
Today’s Blog, could not have come at a better time. Last month I started counseling with a licensed therapist, who diagnosed me as being Co-Dependent as well as an Enabler. I have since found a really good and effective CODA meeting. Your Blog, however tends to put a lot of my therapy as well as CODA workbook information into a more simple, more usable form.
THANK YOU.
Reshma says
This is such sound, clear cut wisdom that I am unable to sleep at 3.30 am. As I read through each of the points you made, all my relationships past and present flashed through my mind and I could see clearly where I fell short and where I was able to rise to the top. I’m feeling almost a frenzy to start sharing this with so many people I love and know that I will be re-reading, memorizing and practicing these. Thank you for sharing this beautiful gift with everyone.
Gary says
A succinct primer on all the essentials facets of a healthy, loving relationship. Well done!
Kathy says
I found that I carried mental images of how a relationship should be. The romance novel fantasy of a knight in shinning armor riding in to save my day (physically, mentally, financially) or my over and above normal need for him to daily, hourly, constantly affirm his love for me… After several years of being on my own and practicing self awareness I realize I set up the perimeters for a relationship filled with unrealistic outcomes.
I’m still not in an intimate relationship however within my close family and friends relationships I try to practice acceptance. When I find myself hopeful that an event will go the way I wish it to go (especially an event that I’m not really looking forward to going to) my mental visuals as of late don’t dwell on only my perfect outcome.. they don’t dwell on the worst outcome or how I can fix it. They mostly softly accept that what will be will be. Due to my journey, my commitments, I can’t always be there or do what is wished by others. With this realization I also need to accept that others experience the same conflicts.
Thank you Marc and Angel for your many articles. For the last several years I have received much needed self help knowledge from you both. I am grateful.
Deborah M. says
I enjoyed reading your blog today and have thought about how this related to my current situation. My husband and I have been married over 24 years. During the last 6 years, our marriage has constantly been tried by our now 21 year old son who has chosen a destructive path in life, my husband in denial and being an enabler and me countering with accountability and tough love. We have been to countless counseling sessions during this period to no avail. We are currently living apart and even neither one of us wants a divorce, I don’t know where to turn for help in trying to resolve our issues.
Ann says
Number 1 spoke to me and seems to be my biggest issue. I have been working on it for some time. I am engaged and he is living with me in my home. I care for him but lately he has embarrassed me several times with friends and family by outbursts of his opinions or temper. I feel like I have to stand up for myself and I have asked him to move out. We are both retired and I just don’t feel I have the energy or desire to work so hard for the next twenty years as I did in my first marriage. Am I wrong?