The goal is to change your response to what you can’t control — to gradually grow stronger on the inside, so less on the outside affects your inner wellness without your conscious permission.
The mind is the biggest battleground. It’s the place where the greatest conflict resides. It’s where we develop daily habits that put us in direct opposition with reality, where over half the things we fear…never actually happen. It’s where our expectations get the best of us and we fall victim to our own trains of thought, again and again.
Truth be told, in the game of life we all receive a unique set of unexpected limitations and variables in the field of play. The question is: How will you think about and respond to the hands you’ve been dealt? You can either focus on the lack thereof, or you can empower yourself to play the game sensibly and resourcefully, making the very best of each outcome as it arises, even when it’s hard to accept.
The bottom line is that when you can’t control what’s happening in the world around you, you must challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what’s happening, by letting go of those habitual, spiraling patterns of thinking. That’s much easier said than done though, of course, because it’s hard to change the habits we engage in mostly at a subconscious level. But we can get better by bringing more awareness to what we’re doing…
So today let’s take a look at three common habits Angel and I have seen draining hundreds of our course students and conference attendees over the past 15 years — some default patterns far too many of us engage in on a daily basis, draining us of our true potential:
1. The habit of immediate resistance.
You might be surprised by how often you subconsciously resist life.
If you evaluate your body and posture right now, I bet you can find some kind of tension. For me it’s often in my neck, but sometimes it’s in my back and shoulders.
Where does this tension we feel come from? We’re resisting something — perhaps we’re annoyed by someone, frustrated at life, overwhelmed by all our obligations, or just bored. And our mental resistance creates a tension in our bodies and weakness in our lives. Therefore, Angel and I often recommend this simple strategy to our course students who are struggling to relieve themselves of their resistance and tension:
- Locate the tension in your body right now.
- Notice what you’re resisting and tensing up against — it might be a situation or person you’re dealing with or avoiding.
- Relax the tense area of your body — deep breath and a quick stretch often helps.
- Face the same situation or person, but with a relaxed body and mind.
Repeat this practice as often as needed today. Face the day with less tension and more presence. Change your mode of being from one of struggle and resistance to one of flow and acceptance.
2. The habit of expecting things to be a certain way.
Imagine you had a ripe, juicy tangerine sitting on the table in front of you. You pick it up eagerly, take a bite, and begin to taste it.
You already know how a ripe, juicy tangerine should taste, and so when this one is a bit tarter than expected, you make a face, feel a sense of disappointment, and swallow it, feeling cheated out of the experience you expected.
Or perhaps the tangerine tastes completely normal — nothing special at all. So, you swallow it without even pausing to appreciate its flavor as you move on to the next unworthy bite, and the next.
In the first scenario, the tangerine let you down because it didn’t meet your expectations. In the second, it was too plain because it met your expectations to a T.
Do you see the irony here?
It’s either not good or not good enough. This is how many of us live our lives… unhappily and unsuccessfully. It’s why so many of us feel let down, drained, and unexcited about almost everything.
Because nothing really meets our expectations.
Now imagine you try this instead: remove your expectations of how the tangerine “should” taste. You don’t know, and you don’t expect to know, because you haven’t even tried it yet. Instead, you’re genuinely curious, impartial, and open to a variety of possible flavors. You taste it, and you truly pay attention. You notice the juiciness, the texture of the pulp, the simultaneously tangy, tart, and sweet flavors swirling around on your tongue, and all the other complex sensations that arise in your awareness as you chew. You didn’t know how this tangerine would taste, but now you realize it’s different from the rest, and it’s remarkable in its own way. It’s a totally new experience — a worthwhile experience — because you’ve never tasted this tangerine before.
Mindfulness experts often refer to this as “beginner’s mind,” but really, it’s just the result of a mind-set free of needless, stifling expectations.
The tangerine, of course, can be substituted for almost anything in your life: any event, any situation, any relationship, any person, any thought at all that enters your mind. If you approach any of these with expectations of “how it should be” or “how it has to be” in order to be good enough for you, they will almost always disappoint you in some way, or be too plain and unexciting to even remember. And you’ll just move on to the next disappointment or unworthy life experience, and the next, and the next, and so on and so forth, until you’ve lived the vast majority of your life stuck in an habitual cycle of experiences you barely like or barely even notice.
3. The habit of always focusing on what’s wrong.
The bottom line is that almost every situation imaginable has hidden beauty in it if we are willing to open up to it. For example, in the past, even as Angel and I coped with the death of loved ones, we discovered opportunities for us to appreciate life more, to appreciate the lives of those we’ve lost, and to appreciate the priceless time we had, and still have, with the people we love.
We do our best to embody this same mindset in every difficult life situation we encounter. When we get ill, it’s a chance for us to rest. When some unforeseeable event postpones one of our business projects, we spend more time with family. When our son, Mac, throws a temper tantrum, we see that he’s expressing himself, asserting his individuality, and being human.
We choose to find what’s right, even when it’s hard to see. You can do the same. On the average day, try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life.
Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remind yourself that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. Because while a small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Again, where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.
Now, it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to forgive yourself if you’ve recently participated in one or more of the habits above. Forgive yourself for the times you lacked clarity, for the habitual past missteps that created needless tension and stress. Forgive yourself for being human! These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to bring more conscious awareness to what you’re doing starting today, so you can begin to operate at your full potential again.
But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Finally, if you have not done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Marg Tollop says
Love your practical insights here. The points about expectations really hit home with me.
Good reminders!
Strong!
Thank you. Your emails and essays never disappoint.
Debra Miller says
Thank you for these three habits that are right on spot! I appreciate the way you expressed it and also your personal examples. So grateful you are helping others through these articles! Especially me!
Rometta Ison says
For me, forgiveness toward myself and my reckless behavior in relationships. I am still hurting from the consequences of that wrong. I have tried to make amends and apologized in multiple ways: person, text, hand written card; but still, no response. How do I heal from this? Easier said than done!
Ilsabe says
Excellent article!!!
So valuable!
Thank you.
Adela says
I stood still and pin-pointed all the tension and then released it through stretching just now. Thank you!
Also, “Face the same situation or person, but with a relaxed body and mind.” Wow – powerful, made me reflect and realize I need to be slow to anger. Thank you and bless you both.
Sasirekha says
I almost never read inspirational material, but i want you to know that i never miss even a single post of yours. Authentic and truly inspiring! My habits are changing in a postive way. Thank you!
Barbara Anne says
Your articles help me in so many ways. This article was especially helpful when it addressed expecting things to be a certain way. It showed me how to regroup my thinking and make the situation work for me. Thank you again
Jonny C says
Thanks for an inspiring reminder that I MUST gain control by letting go and accepting the good in everything that happens to me, around me and because of me.
I’ve lived my life under the veil of “perfectionist” but really, I’m acting like someone who can’t accept that things are GREAT. I’ve been so busy wasting time analyzing the “what if” instead of WHAT IS so perfectly unfolding right before my eyes.
NOW is the time to finally ACCEPT and ENJOY the juicy bites of everyday life.
That felt good to get out. Thanks guys =)
Denise says
Everything you post is so helpful. Love today’s-especially the idea that the majority of my life is decided by my own responses. Actually do my best to play the hand I’m dealt.
Cynthia says
The following really hit home, “while a small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses.” A golden nugget I’ll carry with me from now on. Excellent post.
Walt says
“If you approach any of these with expectations of “how it should be” or “how it has to be” in order to be good enough for you, they will almost always disappoint you in some way, ” This really resonated with me today, it reminded me of a saying I learned from my son, that “expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” I am dealing with the estrangement of an adult child and your messages today will help me learn to live happier with a situation that I cannot control. I am a huge fan of your methodology and your approach, keep up this good work.
Chris says
Thanks for another insightful article! I discovered all three of these principles in the beginning of my recovery journey. They have been difference makers in my life!
Living without expectations and being open to all possibilities just works so much better…
Henly Dopo says
“Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remind yourself that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance.”
I loved reading this. When going through the above situations, I don’t quickly tend to find the next better approach. Having more inner strength inside is better than pretending to show strength from outside.
Thank you for sharing.
Barbara Altamore says
Big life changes ahead…at my own doing but it’s really happening. While my husband is resistant to this change, I’ve been excited to begin. It’s taking longer than I hoped so doubts and fears are creaping in. My back is feeling the tensions. I’m trying not to use unhealthy coping techniques, but they creep in there too. Then I beat myself up for it. I’m learning to accept the timeline as best as possible. I’m learning forgiveness of myself for my coping techniques. I’m learning to relax my shoulders, breath slowly, stretch more, and to just enjoy the journey of preparation and anticipation. Learning…not yet perfected. Trying to be excited and not scared. Wooo hooo! Almost there! (Thank you for these reminders. No matter how often they show up, they are just what I need to read and reread.)
Penny says
Excellent read this morning, my kiddos may experience a much calmer mother now. By God’s providence I realize so much is in His hands….but now understand the other worldly things are in mine.
Roslene West says
I have always had an optimistic outlook and I tha k God the ability to lean more towards “the glass half full” POV. While it may be natural for me, I still find many times where it is a conscious effort and decision. Taking what could be looked at as negative and seeing the positivity and opportunity in it is, I believe, a crucial part of a successful and peaceful life.
Joseph says
What resonated well with me is the consistency between Stoic philosophy and what was said about expectations. .I always say to others “no expectations, no disappointment” what this articles point was saying. It’s our perception of any given situation that can change that’s in our control. Rather then thinking it suppose to go out way and then getting all nuts because it didn’t. Right, lighten up and live life on life’s terms
Tim Rwabuhemba says
What an inspiring read/article. You have answered my prayers today. Thank you.
Mathuravaani K R says
I recently discovered your blog and I am connecting a lot with your content. As I am also on my self-discovery journey, your blog provides more insight. Thank you for sharing your awareness!
Donny K says
This post was very meaningful to me. I’m dealing with a situation where I made a big mistake in life and am now dealing with the effects of it. Your posts encourage and motivate me to keep living in the moment and accept what I cannot change.
Jerry Kobishop says
Such a great way to look at life’s problems that seem to replace our joys. Thanks for all of your wonderfull life changing comments.
Kaitlyn Rose says
I’m facing a life-changing situation, fraught with difficult decisions, and the hardest part has been facing change. I am reminded of what my mother said on leaving her much-loved home to enter a nursing home, “I got to have it.”
It’s so seldom we face the indecisiveness of the future with gratitude for what is and has been, and an openness to what could be a time of growth and happiness.
If you think of change as a new chapter, it becomes a manuscript to write as you will. Your essay reminded me to start today, instead of holding on tearfully to what has been.
Thank you both for your insightful words, always spot on–and without preachiness!
Beverly Barthule says
Today’s article seemed to be directed specifically toward me. I practice all 3 bad habits. This past year has been difficult as my health has deteriorated and I find myself in a different place in my life. Recently I just made my life much more difficult by worrying about what might happen instead of paying attention to the present. I keep chastising myself about the bad things I do and I let them keep rolling over me. I truly must learn how to forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made in the past. My daughter keeps telling me that I need to learn to forgive myself and she’s right.
Yaso says
Grateful for these beautiful reminders and also the most important thing is to forgive ourselves and move on. Thank you Marc and Angel!
Alex says
It’s so nice to have your emailed insights and commentary on life each week over the years.
I’ve been struggling with a Stephen King-style situation, where being a dog and animal lover I have for the past few months been living in a place that has a dog slaughterhouse right next door. I have gone through disbelief, shock and panic at the situation, and amazed at the property manager’s responses.
See ing my two dog’s responses and concerns has been one thing – their expressions being a mirror and perhaps amplifier of my own feelings but the worst part has been the inner struggle about what to do. The inner turmoil has dominated my days – until yesterday when I decided to stand and fight, to do what it takes to see this through.
I have tried relativizing the situation – about the wonderful sunlit space I am in, the modern look and feel of the renovation of my place – but this has been part of the push and pull of the tension – and this has weighed in with body tension, jumpiness, a feeling of imminent crisis. – that “I shouldn’t do anything as this will jeapordize all this”(we have the same property manager. It is only since being clear on my course of action have I relaxed, made two phone calls – that I have allowed myself to saviour the good aspects of where I am staying and to realize I am able to create changes in my environment, and it is quite valid to demand peace and safety in and around the place I live.