If you worry too much about what might be, or what might have been, you will ignore and overlook what is. Remember this. Happiness is letting go of what you assume life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything it is.
Over the past decade, as Angel and I have gradually worked with hundreds of our course students, coaching clients, and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the root cause of most human stress is simply our stubborn propensity to hold on to things. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.
For example, there are a number of times when our minds cling to unhelpful ideals…
- Life isn’t suppose to be this way, I need it to be different
- There is only one thing I want, I can’t be happy without it
- I am absolutely right, the other person is absolutely wrong
- This person should love me, and want to be with me
- I should not be alone, should not be overweight, should not be exactly how I am right now, etc.
In all of these common examples the mind holds on tight to something—an ideal—that isn’t real. And, after awhile, the inevitable happens—lots of unnecessary stress, anxiety, unhappiness, self-righteousness, self-hate, and depressive emotions ensue.
So, how can we stop holding on so tight?
By realizing that there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.
Most of the things we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, certain, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined in our minds.
Life gets a lot easier to deal with when we remind ourselves of this and live accordingly. Today, let’s practice doing just that…
1. Practice letting everything breathe.
As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.
When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are. This is what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice.
2. Practice accepting your present reality, and just floating.
Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not—it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.
Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax, and float.
Truth be told, inner peace begins the moment you take a new breath and choose not to allow an uncontrollable event to dominate you in the present. You are not what happened to you. You are what you choose to become in this moment. Let go, breathe, and begin again.
3. Practice challenging the stories you keep telling yourself.
Many of the biggest misunderstandings in life could be avoided if we simply took the time to ask, “What else could this mean?” A wonderful way to do this is by using a reframing tool we initially picked up from research professor Brene Brown, which we then tailored through our coaching work with students and live event attendees. We call the tool The story I’m telling myself. Although asking the question itself—“What else could this mean?”—can help reframe our thoughts and broaden our perspectives, using the simple phrase The story I’m telling myself as a prefix to troubling thoughts has undoubtedly created many “aha moments” for our students and clients in recent times.
Here’s how it works: The story I’m telling myself can be applied to any difficult life situation or circumstance in which a troubling thought is getting the best of you. For example, perhaps someone you love (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) didn’t call you or text you when they said they would, and now an hour has passed and you’re feeling upset because you’re obviously not a high enough priority to them. When you catch yourself feeling this way, use the phrase: The story I’m telling myself is that they didn’t call me because I’m not a high enough priority to them.
Then ask yourself these questions:
- Can I be absolutely certain this story is true?
- How do I feel and behave when I tell myself this story?
- What’s one other possibility that might also make the ending to this story true?
Give yourself the space to think it all through carefully.
Challenge yourself to think better on a daily basis—to challenge the stories you subconsciously tell yourself and do a reality check with a more objective mindset. (Angel and I build small, life-changing daily rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
4. Practice putting the figurative glass down.
Twenty years ago, when Angel and I were just undergrads in college, our psychology professor taught us a lesson we’ve never forgotten. On the last day of class before graduation, she walked up on stage to teach one final lesson, which she called “a vital lesson on the power of perspective and mindset.” As she raised a glass of water over her head, everyone expected her to mention the typical “glass half empty or glass half full” metaphor. Instead, with a smile on her face, our professor asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I’m holding?”
Students shouted out answers ranging from a couple of ounces to a couple of pounds.
After a few moments of fielding answers and nodding her head, she replied, “From my perspective, the absolute weight of this glass is irrelevant. It all depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute or two, it’s fairly light. If I hold it for an hour straight, its weight might make my arm ache. If I hold it for a day straight, my arm will likely cramp up and feel completely numb and paralyzed, forcing me to drop the glass to the floor. In each case, the absolute weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels to me.”
As most of us students nodded our heads in agreement, she continued. “Your worries, frustrations, disappointments, and stressful thoughts are very much like this glass of water. Think about them for a little while and nothing drastic happens. Think about them a bit longer and you begin to feel noticeable pain. Think about them all day long, and you will feel completely numb and paralyzed, incapable of doing anything else until you drop them.”
Think about how this relates to your life right now.
If you’ve been struggling to cope with the weight of what’s on your mind today, it’s a strong sign that it’s time to put the figurative glass down.
Renew Your Faith in Yourself
A big part of practicing letting go is gradually renewing your faith in yourself. This ‘renewed faith’ means finding the willingness to live with uncertainty, to feel your way through each day, to let your intuition guide you like a flashlight in the dark.
It’s about standing firmly on your own two legs without the crutches you’ve been holding on to.
And YOU ARE strong enough!
YOU GOT THIS!
So…
What if, for today, you choose to believe that you have enough and you are enough? What if, for today, you choose to believe that you are strong enough, wise enough, kind enough, and loved enough to take a positive step forward? What if, for today, you accepted people exactly as they are, and life exactly as it is? What if, as the sun sets on today, you choose to believe that the little bits of progress you made were more than enough for one day? And what if, tomorrow, you choose to believe it all over again?
Practice making those choices.
Practice letting go and renewing the faith you once had in yourself.
Leave us a comment before you go…
Did this short post resonate with you?
Which point resonated the most?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with us.
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Christi B says
Thank you. I am going through a divorce and have to do my projected budget for the court. It’s scary and I just want it to be over. I have beautiful children and a beautiful life but I have a cloud of fear over me. Your messages have been so helpful and motivating. ~ thank you!
A says
Hello,
I am going through a divorce too. My husband refuses to accept it and it’s been dragging on for over a year now. Now we are in lockdown it’s even harder as we are still living together. I’ve been reading these articles for the past couple of years and incredibly they helped me to believe I was strong enough to make the very brave decision of walking away from a 25 year marriage I wasn’t happy in. I never thought I could do it, but I’m doing it and getting stronger every single day. Thank you for the articles, they are positive, uplifting and have helped me believe in myself.
Sammy says
What a thought to ponder.. The art of letting go.. Always been a battle for me.. Instead of letting go i find alternative ways to cope.. Which always ends up to my demise.. Thank you.. Ill practice as suggested. Its so relevant. Your post are so so helpful. Tx
Jenna J. says
This essay sounds like it may have been written in a pre-COVID time, but it certainly is relevant now too, as we have to let go of life as we knew it and pivot to a different kind of existence. We must let go and adjust to “the new normal.” For some of us, that means doing our jobs differently and from home. For others, it means finding new work altogether.
Thank you for sharing these insights.
Jo says
Thank you for the self care that resonates in this lovely read! It was just what I needed this morning! Much appreciated!
Jan says
Hello, Thank-you for today’s encouragement! What a great reminder to let go, believe in yourself and don’t be your worst enemy.
Have a great weekend and thx again. Jan
Brigitte says
Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear today! I am going to try really hard on just breathing and being grateful in the moment. I loved the lesson on the weight of the glass of water- it makes sense! Thank you!
Karen Erickson-King says
This article arrived in my inbox at such in uncanny time. I’ve had a man in my life on and off for 11 years and we’ve not been able to “get there”. I’ve hung onto an idea of potential that I’ve come to realize will never be. And that the reality of the relationship was never what I thought it was . I have tried to break free of the agony of holding on and know now it was never about me not being good enough. It was about who he is and what he’s only capable giving.
Thank you for such a powerful article.
Bethie D says
All I can say is… “Ditto”. Hope in someone else’s potential is hard to let go. I am grateful for the reminder to acknowledge what the reality IS. Time to focus on my own potential. “Agony” is a dead-on description of the pain caused by holding on. This was a much needed reminder to let go and pull my attention back to ME. I deserve and need my own love and support.
Gail says
Thank you Karen, you put into words what I have been unable to accept. I had a man in my life for 3 years, who put his arm around me one day and said “I dont love you any more, but I still want to be your friend”. My life came crashing down around me. That was 1 year ago and I have been frozen in time since, unable to accept that this could happen to me .
Judy says
Thank you for sharing this excellent article. It reminds me of things I already believe and that it’s good to “have enough.” I agree we should always be thankful for what we have at the moment, even if it’s not everything we should have.
Judy says
Thank you for sharing this excellent article. It reminds me of things I already believe and that it’s good to “have enough.” I agree we should always be thankful for what we have at the moment, even if it’s not everything we think we should have.
Jeff says
Spot on comment that’s had a strong hold for quite a while. Thanks for the right thing at the right time.
Glenn says
I turned 60 last year and increasingly feel like time is short. Those small steps seem toward goals don’t seem “enough for today” and I don’t feel like “I got this”. I can’t seem to shake this feeling
Monica says
Soooooooo good.
Elizabeth says
I like Karen have been in a long term relationship. I’m on the precipice of letting go – all avenues I explore keep leading to that same outcome. It is sad b/c when it’s good it’s fantastic, but the majority of the time it is not fantastic. That’s the hard part for me – letting go of all the bad is easy – letting go of the fantastic is close to beyond my capabilities at this point.
That having been said – I firmly believe everything in this article is true. Living it is the challenge.
Inam says
WOW absolutely fantastic. I stumbled on your site just a month ago while searching online. I just became a big fan of both of you. Great couple, great personalities, great thoughts and knowledge, great work, and a wonderful blog. Love for both of you.
Bonnie Staughton says
I really needed to read this. You two really know what you are talking about. I am 72 and have been a worrier all my life. My mother, specifically, tried to help me with it but, although I knew she was right, I continued on. I’ve tried to be better but I do tell “stories” to myself when things happen and when I think about it I know they probably aren’t true. Thanks for all of your advice. I will take it to heart.
N/A says
Thank Jenna for that statement on pre coronavirus and the way we may have to live our lives in the future as the new norm.
But I was thinking about letting go of someone that I have been allowing them to get away with stuff b/c they are to painfully close. Thanks for the food for thought
Emmanuel says
Wonderful, you guys are amazing, I love reading this over and over again in my mind.
Dianne says
I’m in England and today we celebrate VE Day, Victory in Europe Day. I think about all the sacrifices made by that Brave, Wonderful Generation from my Country but also from America, and all of the Allied Countries that fought for our Freedom. They must have met each day with new Hope and Resolve, not knowing what lay ahead. Just the sheer determination to carry on and live each day as best they could. We owe it to them to show the same courage through these troubled times.
Thank you Marc and Angel for all your Wise words of encouragement.
Swati Nanda says
Your messages are very inspiring !
Melanie says
Thank you so much for this useful article.
There we’re many poignant points to me,, but the one that resonated with me the most was the question re: “How heavy is this glass of water?”. My history has been to hang on to relationships that weren’t serving me because of a deep fear of hurting or disappointing that person; and my own fears around loss.
I am all too familiar with feeling the affects on emotional and physical body, and the feelings of exhaustion around carrying this for so long. I realize I could really use some help in metaphorically putting down the glass of water.
Temitope E Ajayi says
I quite appreciate your message .
It has really gone a long way at taking off some unimaginable tons of negative loads from my mind
faith says
Wow thanks so much last week I was talking to some youths about letting go and being able to move on without looking back and you’ve helped me to clarify more
John McQuade says
So I’m trying to let go of the loss of my wife a year ago. Not that I will ever want to forget or get over it. Just accepting that life has changed for me. We were married for 53 years and known each other since grade school. No use thinking about what we would have if she was still alive. That’s gone. This article has helped some. Thank you
Lisa says
Love all of your emails, they are so inspiring and helpful in putting everything into perspective, thank you
Amy Algustowski says
Thank you. I’m in the midst of personal growth so your reframing technique was an amazing find. Thank you for your incredible insight.
Michelle Lindgren says
What I learn for the day is enough. I am stronger than I think I am. Each day we can give ourselves and others enough grace for the day.
Y says
This article could not have come at better time. My husband of 35 years has just told me he wants to separate. This came out of the blue and I m still in shock and trying to process it. Having a hard time accepting it. “What did I do wrong?” But it doesn’t matter because he says he wants to start a new life and start dating other women after “wasting years of his life on me. “ Very hurtful and cruel, yes. But he believes I wronged him (a counselor said he appears to exhibit characteristics of anti- social personality disorder and sociopath. ) and if that’s what my husband believes, then there is nothing I can do. I’m trying hard to accept that he is leaving me in order to heal and move on.
Naveen Bommakanti says
That’s hurting my friend, but after listening ur words.. i feel you are the strongest woman 🙂 Take care of yourself.. then everything will be realized by itself.
Love from your unknown friend 🙂
Carri Mckown says
Thank you!
Gail says
Thank you Karen, you put into words what I have been unable to accept. I had a man in my life for 3 years, who put his arm around me one day and said “I dont love you any more, but I still want to be your friend”. My life came crashing down around me. That was 1 year ago and I have been frozen in time since, unable to accept that this could happen to me .
Stacy says
I loved this write up. Its true and inspiring. Letting go and practising going w the flow is definitely something im learning day by day. Thank you for this 🙂
Tomilola Akindeju says
To be honest and truthful, I am a combination of a realist and a perfectionist. As a result, all these years I have been putting pressure on all those around me,can’t making them feel like they don’t measure up. While playing high expectations on them tgey could never possibly reach, this piece has taught me a lot…especially to let everyone breathe..let them be, let them go, and just float, chill out, and relax…powerful message indeed.
Wendy S says
Thank you for this post. It has certainly got me thinking.
I recently put my trust in the advice of someone with regards to investing some money which I’d set aside for something important. It was with a view to being able to make a little extra while lockdown ensues in order to purchase some much needed items. It went badly wrong and I lost most of the money. Inflamed the person who advised me but then I blamed myself and felt stupid and naive. I cried and worried until it made me feel ill, anxious and sad. I stepped back and looked at the situation and realised there is more to life. Okay, we’re not particularly well off but we’re getting by, for now. The important things the money was set aside for are not imminent but I’ll have to try and sort that as it comes about. Christmas won’t be easy but it’s not here yet and who knows what may happen between now and then.
I’ll put your advice into practice and try not to worry about these things.
Thank you.
Denise Wilson says
Thank you! A comment an associate said to me has been getting to me. This post helps me to let it go.
bandarsamgong says
Nice post. I was checking constantly this blog and I am inspired!
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part 🙂 I care for such info much. I used to be looking for this particular information for a very lengthy time.
Thank you and best of luck.
mantoa says
I like the one that talks about the glass. I think its time to stop holding on things that I cannot change. This passage helped me to realise that I cannot control my husband sibling and their father in law. Thank you so much
Evans Agbenyegah says
The absolute weight of the glass is irrelevant; it all depends on the longevity of holding it up.
That means that the more I hold on to a negative thought, the more it weighs me down. It’s been good reading this article. Thank you very much.
Nancy says
I was really struck with the glass of water instance it made such a great example of how we do life at times.I have your 1000 little things book and I keep it next to my bed for reference.
Thank you for all you do,
Nancy R.
Gray says
This article is like written for me the way I’m feeling and how I view life right now. My daughter is about to be taken overseas by my ex and being alone in a foreign country without friends and relatives, I don’t know how I can cope when that happens in a few months. I don’t have the family support I need, and my daughter is the only thing that calms my mind and gives me strength to go on and face life on a daily basis.
This is written timely and I’m going to read this everyday from today to somehow help me change my perspective and be less emotional about my situation.
Thank you Angel and Marc.
Jennifer says
My husband and I were high school sweethearts through college. We broke up my sophomore year of college (he’s older) because we wanted different things at the time. We both married, had a family and divorced. We met again 7 years ago and married a year later. His boys never welcomed me or my daughter, nor did he really stand up for us. It’s been rough, really tough. His boys are the wedge we cannot get past. They’re 17 and 21 now, never say thank you to me, I’ve been the primary mother in their lives, made sure to treat them as equally as I do my own, celebrating their special days like any mom would, set up the dorm room for the college boy, I’ve done it all and been the one constant mom. Today, Mother’s Day, I heard from 3 of our 5 children. His 2 boys didn’t say a word to me today. And at 7pm when I pointed it out, my husbands response was “you’re not their mother.” I was immensely hurt, really bad. A hurt I’ve rarely felt and now I’ve been crying for 2 hours and my husbands response is still cold. I don’t know how to get past this pain.
Hamza says
“You are not what happened to you. You are what you choose to become in this moment.” These words are going to stay with me for the rest of my life.
Sylvie says
This post shows me that I have to let go of a particular relationship no matter how hard that is. I was raised with a father who ruled and controlled with guilt. If we don’t do what he thinks we should be doing, we are terrible daughters and are totally useless. I am in my 60’s and he still tries to control me. When my husband passed away, I was expected to move in with my parents to take care of my mom who is ill and needs 24 Hr care. My father refuses most outside help as he thinks everyone is useless and they don’t do what he tells them to do. (a Social Worker in one of the Hospitals) has described him as a Narcissist. Thanks to my sister’s encouragement, I didn’t move in with them. The situation is sad but I have to stop beating myself up.
Marc and Angel, your writeups are food for my soul. God bless you both.
Carroll Harris says
Powerful message. The example of holding a glass is a great way to think about how we can control what we focus on and what we let impact us.