When life has to be a certain way in order to be good enough for us, we close ourselves off from so many of the real and present opportunities available.
On the contrary, when we let go of the way it “should be,” we free our minds to deal with life’s unexpected changes, challenges and chaos in the most effective way possible…
We create space for acceptance, learning and growth.
We learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others.
We see the world through an unbiased set of eyes.
And gradually, we allow ourselves to step forward with more peace of mind.
With that said, I don’t always let go when I need to. I don’t always have a clear and focused mind. Because I’m only human, and human beings have the tendency to hold on too tight. Sometimes life slaps us really hard and we attach ourselves to the pain, even when we know better.
When I’m holding on too tight, I can really feel it in my gut. I feel anxious, frustrated, irritated, and upset. There’s an aching for things to be different than they are — a feeling of rejection or betrayal or hopelessness.
I’m sure you can relate. We’re all struggling through this one together, in our own unique way right now. And the vast majority of our torment is the result of being caught up in whatever story we’re telling ourselves about how life “should” be.
So for starters, here’s what I try to keep in mind…
Quotes and Reminders to Let Go of “How Life Should Be”
- We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our attention and gratitude. How often do you pause to appreciate your life just the way it is? Look around right now, and be thankful… for your health, your family, your comforts, your home. Nothing lasts forever.
- Some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.
- Letting go isn’t forgetting, it’s remembering without fear. It’s stepping forward with a present mind and a lesson learned. So just remind yourself right now: you are not your bad days, you are not your mistakes, you are not your scars, and you are not your past. Be here now. Be free.
- Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.
- Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head.
- Life is change. You must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.
- Even though you cannot control everything that happens, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to gradually master you. (Marc and I discuss this further in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Every difficult life situation can be an excuse for hopelessness or an opportunity for growth, depending on what you choose to do with it.
- In the midst of particularly hard days when I feel that I can’t endure, I remind myself that my track record for getting through hard days is 100% so far. (The same is true for you, too.)
- Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.
First Steps for Coping with Unfavorable Outcomes
Reflecting on the reminders above can be incredibly grounding when life doesn’t go as planned. But what can you do if the immediate tension inside you is spiraling out of control?
Here’s a brief outline of some initial steps Marc and I actively take (and cover with our course students and live event attendees) to cope with the immediate tension that arises from unfavorable outcomes in our lives:
- Acknowledge the tension inside you. – If you notice yourself getting angry and flustered, it’s a sign that you need to pause, take a deep breath, and practice the remaining steps.
- Resist the urge to act in haste. – The greatest harm comes whenever you act out of anger — actions that might include giving up too soon, consuming unhealthy substances, or even attacking someone else. So whenever you notice anger building up inside you, try not to take any form of destructive action. Instead, turn inward and mindfully assess whatever it is that’s arising.
- Sit with your feelings, and give them space. – Turn directly towards the tension you feel, and just be a witness. See it as something that’s passing through you, but is NOT YOU. It’s a feeling, a dark cloud passing across a vast sky, not a permanent fixture. Treat it that way. Instead of obsessing yourself with the dark cloud’s presence, try to broaden your perspective — give it the space it needs to pass. Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly again.
- Be OK with not knowing. – Now that you’ve given yourself some necessary space, tell yourself, “I don’t know why things are this way.” And be OK with this unknowing. Give yourself full permission to not have concrete answers in this moment. What would it be like to allow this moment to unfold without knowing? What is it like to not know what’s going on in the hearts and minds of others? What is it like to not know how to respond to life’s chaos? What is it like to be here right now, without jumping to conclusions?
The bottom line is that when life dishes you a harsh dose of reality, the best first steps involve sitting silently and witnessing the thoughts passing through you. Just witnessing at first, not interfering and not even judging, because by judging too rapidly you have lost the pure witness. The moment you rush to say, “this is absolutely terrible” or “things should be different,” you have already jumped head first into the chaotic tension.
It takes practice to create a gap between the witnessing of thoughts and your response to them. Once the gap is there, however, you are in for a great surprise — it becomes evident that you are not the thoughts themselves, nor the tension and chaos influencing them. You are the witness, a watcher, who’s capable of changing your mind and rising above the turmoil. (Marc and I work through this with our students in the self-paced Getting Back to Happy course and at the annual Think Better, Live Better conference.)
Your turn…
We would love to hear from YOU.
So let us know:
- Which point above resonated the most?
- In what way are YOU holding on to an idea of how life “should” be right now?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Maria says
Marc and Angel, this post is spot on for a time when it seems like half the world’s population is at odds with the way things are. In my personal life, I’m getting better with accepting life and making the best of it. Through your teachings and the teachings of other experts, I’ve learned how to better harness my presence. And being present has been the key to much of my recent breakthroughs. It’s seems overly simple when I say it, but practicing presence has been a true challenge, especially when life doesn’t turn out in my favor.
Before I attended one of your live events early this year, my thoughts and anxiety about life really got in my way of making effective decisions. I was reacting to everything, instead of responding mindfully. I appreciate the guidance you’ve given me and continue to share online via your emails and blog.
Vinny says
This post says just enough without saying too much. I appreciate that.
I’ve been enrolled in your course for the past several weeks, and I’m so glad I’ve committed myself to focusing inward and rising above the negativity that surrounds me on most days. Of course, I still struggle with feeling like life is not fair, but I’m beginning to see how that reality does not have to dominate my ability to be my best. Your instruction has allowed me to set up positive daily rituals that elevate my mindset above much of the unfairness that used to distract me from making progress.
Anyhow, as I continue to push forward, I will use this post and its mantras as a reference.
Shonda says
I’ve been struggling with “first thought wrong” and reacting harshly towards others, based off that initial thought. Thank you for this post. Your gift of putting suggestions into simple steps is truly amazing and beneficial to me!
Betsy J says
Life as unfolding…I picture myself with the choice of tightly holding on to the napkin wrapped silverware, keeping it tightly and securely wound as I cling to it gripped in my hands held close to me. Or of placing the same tightly wrapped napkin down on the table and gently and calmly unfolding each side of the napkin and finding the sparkling silverware, the useful tools to be used for eating a delicious meal. The choice is mine. To either fear letting go, to resist ongoing change that brings newness and awareness and opening up – or to cling to a past which is gone and no longer exist, to try to hold on to the impossible, causing myself pain. The choice is mine, I choose to let go, unfold and receive, be nourished, to live in the present. Life unfolds daily, to be lived as each moment unfolds.
mediatrix villanueva says
life is like a love song
and the last note ends with our lover
a God Who loved us first
and waits for our return .
Patty Hefferan says
This is very much in line with AlaNon.
Carol says
This post is exactly what I needed in exactly the right moment. Thank you for your continuing wisdom (and for sharing it with the rest of us). For me, the best part of this, is the thought that the tough times are passing moments, “dark clouds against a vast sky”.
Bernadette says
This post brought tears to my eyes, it is as if it was specifically packaged for me. I am one person who holds on tight to negative thoughts and refuses to let go. I am going to try and loosen up a little. Thanks for this message. I needed it. God bless.
Anne McNeill says
Some of us are born a bit tougher on ourselves than others, Bernadette, and that’s ok too. Letting negative thoughts pass on through takes a bit of getting used to but you are worth it! They are just thoughts after all. I LOVE life but can’t remember a time without the depressive side of my nature being there – depression is a sneaky liar and some of these thoughts are pretty persuasive. Keep letting them pass by – be grateful, sing, dance, whatever releases positive feelings in your mind and body – and confide in a one or two really trusted people. Sending you supportive hugs and very best wishes.
Magdalena de Guzman says
Reprogramming mindset through thorough nourishment of word of wisdom to divert to optimistic point of view. Wrong way of thinking that will only ruin a peaceful happy life. Mind is a very strong will power if can not maneuver it right will end up a miserable way of living. It will bring us to where we focus our vision.
Athina T says
Excellent! Thank you of thinking of me.
Michael Angelo Evans says
Dear Marc and Angel my name is Michael and I’ve been struggling with not letting go of a 7 year relationship although the other party has. My compulsiveness won’t allow me to let go because i can be strong sometimes and not call her but when I think about how we used to be I give in and end up contacting her. I feel that I need to be stronger and find some closure to this chapter in my life. Thank you for the inspirational quotes and emails
Mary says
Super happy to see a fresh new blog from you (not that they are not all good and deserve to be read repeatedly). I think adjusting to change and facing uncertainty are the points that hit me the most right now as I’m going through both due to Covid. It’s sad, and it’s scary for a girl who has PTSD and has to consciously stop the tiger from chasing me and tell myself that I am safe. Trying to have the best attitude I can have right now in losing my home, my job, my one and only best friend (my dog) has been so sick this year and I could lose him anytime too. And so many people out there going through the same. There’s a lot of triggers going for me, but reading things like this and meditations on safety and security really help. Trying to find excitement in the unknown is hard for me, but I am truly actively trying to trust that while things seem bleak right now that maybe down the road it will be the best thing that ever happened to me. Thank you!
Shawna Jeffers says
I have not noticed emails from you guys lately, I really have not been paying attention, today I opened my box and this caught my attention right away. I am stunned at how perfectly fitting this is to my life right now at this exact moment!!! I was with someone for 5 years, it was a destructive relationship on both sides but I’m not sure if the mental abuse just has me thinking it’s my fault? But I know better, I just can’t seem to let go and see what it was, Dwell on things I should have done differently, let go of the guilt I feel. This email has just given me the tools to start my new path, but I am so scared of being alone.. and I am not young I’m 42, This is not a person I have kids with or was married to, I let go of my ex husband and divorced him with no problems. I just can not understand what is happening to me. Thank you guys for giving me a step in the right direction.??
Payal Mathur says
Hi Marc and Angel….You have no idea how you help people coming out from depression and sadness completely. I was completely a different person 2years back. I started reading you and things have changed. You worked well to improve my mindset. From a sad and hopeless person I am now energetic and happy. At a moment I was about to commit suicide and searched for it where I got a link saying “Try this before committing suicide” and I tried and my life has changed. I AM ALIVE AND HAPPY….. THANKS! MAY GOD BLESS YOU BOTH ALWAYS ?
PAYAL MATHUR
Bhopal
Kalani Brown says
I Love this reading!! What stood out most for me was to create the “Gap”! Allowing that time, between my thought and my reaction, to just be. At one point in my life, there was no “gap”. I went from one to ten instantly. But, thank God for awareness and growth!! Peace
Tracy C. says
I love love the motivational quotes! I have been particularly hard on myself this past week, disappointed that I may have to give up a personal goal that I have invested time and money. Outwardly, I have been short-tempered with my family and I physically look drained. Quotes one and two resonated for me instantly. I spent some time today reflecting on my actions that have contributed to my concerns. I could have done better, by putting in more effort. But what is done is done, that was the learning phase. Now, I know what I need to do to accomplish those goals. Thank you for reminding me that time is precious and life is a one-way trip.
Kathy says
‘This post touched me greatly!
Broke up with someone 2 years ago but now he is sick and I feel the need to exhibit some kindness even though he did not appreciate I was there for him and always had his back!! We are not spring chickens he 75 and I am 70. Life is fragile and I choose not to be angry about what happened! I am choosing to do what is in heart and not dwell on past hurts!!
Rachael Jegede says
Wow amazing I love this reading so inspirational thank you Marc and Angel for this exceptional help at a time like this in my life. God bless you both.
Lawal Musa says
Hi Marc and Angel!
These 10 Quotes for letting Go have been inspirational to myself.
Earlier , some vicissitudes of life were weighing on me , but with your coaching techniques on Letting Go and others,I am having more peace of mind at present.
Thanks for helping us with psychologically empowering articles as they are life changing for better happiness.
God bless.
Sharon says
Two points struck me:
1) When you’re no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself.
2)Every ending is a new beginning. (I love this one especially!)
Thank you for your wisdom … it’s extremely helpful.
Richard says
Hi Marc And Angel
Point 6 and point 10 really hit me! I am a hiker, walking was my first go-to after coming out of a heart wrenching break-up. Now, years later, I hike and make my own paths in the wilderness without fear. You have given me the starting tools to use this analogy in my struggle with emotions and feelings of anxiety after yet another break up and pain of loss. Thank you!
Tawanda chando says
This came at the right time for me. I need this kind of reminder. Thanks.
Cassandra says
Wow. Thank you Marc & Angel for your wisdom. I feel like this is an answered prayer for me. I have Asperger’s and depression and ADD and anxiety/paranoia disorder and obsess over things and struggle in my relationships because of my misinterpretations and autistic emotional meltdowns. As a result I have been labeled as toxic for being autistic and told needy clingy emotional people are no good and a burden on society and told I need to be taught to be alone because people have told me nobody likes a crybaby and that it’s wrong to help others or ask for help. It makes me so sad that the world pushes self care more than helping the needy. I read my Bible daily and recently learned being needy is not a bad thing as the world believes. Before I came across your blogs I was in a bad place. I exhibited toxic behavior by complaining, boasting, bragging, arguing, Ect; from not understanding things and everyone in my life has abandoned me as a result and I feel like everything is my fault because I was born autistic and cannot properly process what people say. They don’t understand my needs and I found out the hard way things won’t always work out. I’m actually a good sweet person who would do anything for anyone and I cry whenever my meltdowns cost me relationships with those I love because I am not trying to push anyone away, I just struggle when people don’t agree with me when I don’t understand something. You guys have helped me heal though. I love this support group and feel loved and accepted here knowing I’m not the only person who struggles with toxic behavior and I love that you guys help toxic people to let go of those they hurt to better themselves. You are right. Being toxic doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you misunderstood and toxic behavior only happens usually from not feeling loved or from feeling neglected and not being properly taught how to manage emotions. I love how you guys are re-educating the mentally disabled community to help us overcome toxic behaviors to better ourselves. We need love and support not rejection. Most toxic people I found have started our toxic and became more loving from their struggles. We can’t change the things we did but we can change our futures and you are right. Probably things won’t ever go back to the way they used to be but God can work mighty miracles if we only believe so that gave me hope and my church recently gave a talk that God keeps his promises and restores relationships so that also gives me hope. Thank you so much for this program and helping the toxic community! Thank you for making us better people. Looking forward to other posts and thank you to all the people in this wonderful program! You are loved and you are special. You are not the toxic people the world makes you out to be. Just different, just misunderstood. That’s the way I see it. We can all make a change to be better and hopefully someday those who left us will see it and return to us if it’s meant to be. God Bless.
Sherif says
I pause a little bit when I get here: Some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.
Tors says
I was searching for something to inspire me after a session with my counsellor this morning.
It really hit home that I need to take time to listen to myself more and be less harsh on myself. I, like many put far too much pressure on myself to act out a life that is ‘Supposed to be’ a certain way, this is what is harbouring me and constantly haunting me but I have to let this go.
Thank you so much, i really needed to see this today! x
Habila Davou says
Marc and angle my name is Habila Davou I am suffering from some problems in the first my brother was critically sick I suffered with him from one hospital to another, after spending a lot of money he give up,when preparing for his burial my mother started sick again we rush her to the hospital after a week she get her self, i thank God for that aftermy brother,s burial things are difficult for me to a stage that we cannot feed well and now presently my wife is sick and things are very difficult for me to handle now that is my situation. Thanks for your encouragement remain blessed