Don’t let the drama of today bring you down. Keep calm when stress or negativity surrounds you. Breathe, and let calmness be your superpower. The ability to not overreact or take things personally always gives you the upper hand.
Remind yourself that people are toxic to be around when they believe everything happening around them is a direct assault on them, or is in some way all about them.
It’s the truth. Let it sink in…
What people say and do to you is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds and experiences. Whether people think you’re amazing or believe you’re the worst, again, is more about them and how they view the world.
Now, I’m not suggesting we should be self-indulged narcissists and ignore all the opinions and commentary we receive from others. I’m simply saying that incredible amounts of hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives come directly from our tendency to take things personally. In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinions of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.
The underlying key is to…
Watch Your Response
When something stressful happens in a social situation, what is your response? Some people jump right into action, but oftentimes immediate action can be harmful. Others get angry, or sad. Still others start to feel sorry for themselves… and victimized… and left thinking: “Why can’t other people behave better?”
Responses like these are not healthy or helpful. In fact, whenever your response lacks a mindful level of acceptance you’re likely taking things too personally. And you’re not alone. We all make this mistake sometimes.
If someone does something we disagree with, we tend to interpret it as a personal attack…
- Our children don’t clean their rooms? They are purposely defying us!
- Our significant other doesn’t show affection? They must not care about us as much as they should!
- Our boss acts inconsiderately? They must hate us!
- Someone hurts us? Everyone must be out to get us!
Some people even think life itself is personally against them. But the truth is, almost nothing in life is personal – things happen, or they don’t, and it’s rarely all about anyone specifically.
People have emotional issues they’re dealing with, and it makes them defiant, rude and thoughtless sometimes. They are doing the best they can, or they’re not even aware of their issues. In any case, you can learn not to interpret their behaviors as personal attacks, and instead see them as non-personal encounters (like a dog barking in the distance, or a bumblebee buzzing by) that you can either respond to with a calm mindset, or not respond to at all.
Here’s what you need to remember…
Mantras for NOT Taking Things Personally
Like you, I’m only human, and I sometimes still take things personally when I’m in the heat of the moment. So, I’ve implemented a simple strategy to support the practice of watching my response. In a nutshell, I proactively remind myself NOT to take things personally. Anytime I catch myself doing so, I pause and read a few of the following mantras to myself. Then I take some fresh deep breaths…
- You can’t take things too personally, even if it seems personal. Rarely do people do things because of you. They do things because of them.
- You may not be able control all the things people say and do to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.
- There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you detach from other people’s beliefs and behaviors. The way people treat you is their problem, how you react is yours. (Angel and I discuss this further in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Take constructive criticism seriously, but not personally. Listen, and then operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.
- You are GOOD enough, SMART enough, FINE enough, and STRONG enough. You don’t need other people to validate you – you’re already valuable.
- If you truly wish to improve your self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth, stop allowing other people to be responsible for them. Stop allowing other people to dominate your emotions. (Angel and I build powerful self-confidence rituals with our students in the “Love and Relationships” module of Getting Back to Happy Course, and also with our two-on-one coaching clients.)
- All the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as a baby. And that’s the tragedy of living. So when people are rude, be kind, be mindful, be your best. Give those around you the “break” that you hope the world will give you on your own “bad day” and you will never, ever regret it.
Afterthoughts
As I am finishing up this post, I am reminded of all the senseless hatred and violence we see in our world today.
Please don’t attach yourself to it.
Do your best not to take it personally.
Do your best to let it go – to rise above the hate and drama.
A small group of people may try to build barriers between us, but the rest of us can find a way to elevate above them. Others can try to pin us down with a hundred thousand arms, but in numbers we can find a way to help one another back up. Yes, there are many of us out there – more than is often realized – who know love is the answer. People who refuse to stop believing. People who refuse to trade an eye for an eye. People who love in a world without conditions, who love into hate, into refusal, with faith, and without fear.
And that gives me hope.
Please, let it give YOU hope, too.
Your turn…
How has “taking things personally” affected your life and relationships? Do you have any thoughts or insights to share? We would love to hear from you. Please leave a reply below.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Photo by: Bless Her Heart
Kelly Whitcomb says
There’s no doubt about it — taking things personally has made me miserable in the past, and stifled my growth. I’ve learned the hard way that we all need to let go of negativity around us AND the negativity directed at us. Terribly tough to do sometimes, but unbelievably liberating! When we are continuously running on a treadmill of stubbornness about how we “expect” to be treated or how others “should” behave, we are prisoners to the beliefs and behaviors of others. Your happiness course and emails have been helping me let go of my ideals and refocus on improving my attitude and responses. It has been a gradual process, but I’m seeing the benefits very clearly. Thank you for all the personal guidance.
lolo says
This article is so true. I’ve spend most of my life worrying about what others say and do . I have to stop and think how short life is and how important it is to live life to the fullest.
Michael lingenfelter says
Yes! Too many of us never come to this realization or too late. It is very important not to leave your happiness in the hands of others 🙂 live that life to the fullest!
Yvonne says
I agree. We can’t let someone else dictate our lives.
penelope says
thanks for the reminder! God bless you and yours as well as your altruistic work.
Marc Chernoff says
Keep going, Kelly. You’re progress is inspiring to experience. I’m so pleased Angel and I have been able to assist you on your journey. 🙂
Greg says
Again, one of your emails arrives in my inbox at the moment I needed to read it. Thank you.
With all the disheartening gun violence and political turmoil occurring in the US and around the world right now, this post really struck a chord with me, because it often comes down to people taking things personally and reacting violently on impulse.
Also, you reminded me of a related quote from your book that I copied into the notes on my iPhone recently, to remind myself not to take things personally and to not judge others, even when they are being unruly:
“Do your best not to judge others, for you do not know their pain or sorrows. If you can’t speak a kind word, say nothing at all. And if they can’t speak a kind word, say nothing at all.”
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for re-sharing that quote, Greg. Glad it resonated with you. And thank you for supporting our work.
Stephen Roe says
Absolutely true, Marc. Great post as always.
I’ve noticed in my life that there are people who seem “mature” and “immature”, and I could never figure out what the difference was. How could I be mature? How could I guide others to be mature?
Then I realized that it comes down to what you mention at the beginning of this post. Immature people think everything is directed at them, and mature people don’t. It’s not that they ignore the world, but they know that their response is what counts.
In my relationship, I’ve seen that when my girlfriend and I take things personally, it only gets worse. But when we remember that what we say is less about me and more about the person who said it, we grow closer together.
Thanks again. Off to share this!
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for sharing our work, Stephen.
christian says
Excellent!
It has been hard for me to learn how to stop taking things personally. For many years I played the victim, and I reacted with anger and hatred. But your weekly wisdom has been pulling me in the right direction. I’m am truly starting to understand that when I can’t change others, I can still change myself, and free myself to move on.
Thank you.
Rob Taylor says
A friend told me recently “nobody is wrong”.
This was in a context where close friends had not reacted as I might have preferred.
Now I realise how right my friend was.
The problem had been in my perception of what was “right” and “wrong”.
That means the problem was MY perception.
Not other people’s.
This has opened my eyes.
Bernard says
Good reminders. Especially in these times. Personally, I take WAY too much stuff personally, mostly out of fear because I spent a huge chunk of my life being the kid that had no friends, and I think I’m subconsciously terrified I’ll be there again.
Damjana says
Same with me, yet I still unwillingly push people away.
Chris says
I leaned this long ago, but as you say, it’s still sometimes hard not to take things personally (especially when it is from a family member). Thanks for the reminder.
But why I’m really commenting here now to thank you for the afterthought you wrote. I needed to be reminded that there are many loving souls out there. We need to keep voicing that love so we can find each other and so we can draw those living from a place of fear to the other side.
Thank you.
Marc Chernoff says
Yes we do, Chris. Yes we do. 🙂
Kristine Adams says
TY once again. There’s been abuse in my family–at the hands of my father. Next came the suicides of my sister’s son. And the desperate marriage failures of many others. (*Sigh*). And yet I rise. Life’s beautiful–though my husband was hit by reckless driver head-on six years ago. He’s not the same guy I joined into my life, but the accident that befell him wasn’t his doing. Love wins. Despite my mother’s pain, love wins. Despite my sister’s pain, love wins. And I mean it. Life happens. It’s not always personal. You reminded me, again, to breathe and lift my head to the new day. Blessings!
Karen says
Omg …blessings to you …..And I thought my difficulties were bad….coming from betrayal and deceptive accusations from family members at the expense of my dear mother who is getting the biggest hit of all because of all this drama. They have created. I am losing and grieving 17 years of everything I had known. My mother, my home, support system, financial security,
You are right I need to rise above this, not take things personally and know that this is all about them and not me and know that love will win..Some days it just hurts….
Denise Clancy says
Oh my goodness Kristine..what an incredible, beautiful and amazing woman you are. To deal with so may traumatic events and still be able to see a silver lining! An inspiration to us all! Much love from here in the UK.
Denise
Payel Dutta says
Dear Kristine….. Lots of love from me…..u r really inspiration for all of us…..hats off
Damjana says
Kristine, your comment brought me to tears. You’re a strong woman who went through so much and is managed to keep your heart so positive. Thank you for the beauty within you!
Marc Chernoff says
Sending loving vibes your way, Kristine.
Connie Schukla says
What a sweet and heartfelt note of “love over pain”.all of us have to go through the”milling process” of life to get grounded into the best person we can be..I bet you are a very compassionate person because of all the suffering(aka growing pains) you’ve gone through..God Bless you and the United States of America as we all heal together
Bette says
My mantra has become, “It’s not about me.” Those simple words remind me of the truths above. I say this mantra multiple times a day, and gradually, it’s sinking in.
Linda says
This just makes so much sense right now. A needed reminder. I will practice being less critical of what people say and do. I know I can heal, with or without their support.
RL says
There have been a few people in my life that have been significant individuals. Some by choice, and some (family) not by choice, that have had both positive and negative influences on my life.
So now let me rephrase the above.
There have been a number of instances where I have allowed others to have a negative influence on my life!
The reality is that I have allowed the sentiments and opinions of ‘some’ people in my life to affect me and the course in my life. There had been times where I was not mature/old enough to distinguish the difference but as a mature adult, I’m responsible for my filters and responses.
These skills would have been great to have been taught at school… Juz Sayin’. But of course it’s not too late.
Imelda KACHAU says
I was so blessed today just by reading through this page on the Mantras for not taking things personally, thank you so very much. I was just battling some inner self issues on how other people do things all because to get back at me or because they hate me and after reading this I now feel really blessed. Amen. Thank you
Sage says
Thank you so so much for so beautifully adding in at the end of this post the messages about rising above the hate and violence in our world right now. You two provide wisdom and guidance that we all need more of—hoping for a huge dose of love for the world today!
Elle says
My mantra ?
Simply goes: “people are not against you, they are for themselves….” Always works to bring me back to my center 😉
Gina Muller says
Very True Elle
Carolyn says
I’m going with that one!
amu says
I live in a country(South Africa) where we daily read about corruption, failing currency, the rise of unemployment… due to poor leadership. It used to get personal hence dominating my emotions from time to time. I then decided to stop reading papers or watching tv shows that were “toxic” me and started reading books or blogs that are empowering. This blog is one of them and I love it. Thanks for your thought provoking and empowering messages.
Joe Halvarson says
I constantly beat myself up and thought I was to blame for what someone else says or how someone else treats me. People have said, “Why do you care what someone else thinks?” to me, and I’ve wondered in return, “How can you not?” Is that not how you validate yourself? Is that not how you understand if what you’re doing is right or wrong? Good or bad? Worthwhile or a waste?
I’ve finally started following some of this advice. I never realized what was meant when people said it doesn’t matter what other people think. I’m building up some self worth, some self esteem, some self empowerment. Instead of following my desires with a full heart, I’ve consistently let those who call me stupid or weird to drag me down into a pit of self analysis.
I’m finally climbing out of that pit as I recognize my right to exist. Thank you for this read.
Bette says
As a mother of teenagers, I took their behavior much too personally. As a result, my older children are somewhat distant from me. I admittedly became sarcastic and verbally abusive in their teenage years. I have learned, but perhaps somewhat too late. some damage has been done. Learn from me.
Lacy says
Hugs to you friend
Pam says
My mother did too. It is never too late to tell your kids you love them and want things to be better. Love and peace to you.
Richard Melnick says
The flip side: When the car in front of you pays your bridge toll, know their act of random kindness probably has more to do with them than you, the lucky recipient.
Remain humble.
Cynthia says
I needed this reminder today. Thank you for this. It’s never to late. And it’s not all about me.
Shaughnessy says
Awesome post! I have learned from Marc and Angel as well as the commenters here. Taking things less personally today, even though it’s hard. Thank you so much!!!!
Joanne B. says
I am far from perfect and while I realize my positive thoughts and behavior are my just rewards for always at least trying to be the “better person”, sometimes it just gets old and sometimes I just feel like being like “them”, just to know how it feels to be selfish and inconsiderate. Is THAT selfish? The problem is, when I do behave like “them”, I know it is wrong and I don’t like myself. Why doesn’t that happen to “them”? I can’t help but feel like I am here to make others feel better about themselves. Anyways, I find it interesting.
Renee says
Because they are hurting and have given up caring…..u still care, feel and love…..it’s not you. Guard yourself but live yourself and others freely. …meaning set limits on when and how much you give but ultimately never be afraid of loving because blessings will abound. I wish u well.
Gitana says
With all the political and hatred-filled issues in the US right now, this is a post I definitely needed to read today. I want to absorb these mantras completely for sure. Thank you.
Caroline D. James | Wanderside.com says
I’ve sort of come to realize that taking things personally is part of our ego, it’s our ego telling us that we’re “so important” that other people’s actions and aggression are being done purposely to hurt us. Understanding that people’s action are done solely by their own personal mindset, even if they’re purposely doing it to hurt us, their actions come from their own personal heal or heaven, depending on the action. Which ever is the case ultimately everything we do to others we do to our own selves which means nothing others do to us is personal. Sorry, I know it sounds complicated. Great article!
Yvonne says
Just yesterday I received a blistering email. If I had allowed it to, it would have actually burned me. The author of the email raked me through the coals in telling me how I push people away with my anger. I read it, then re-read it a couple of times before responding. It surprised me that I never felt angry at what she was saying…after all, she literally attacked my character in the email. I just couldn’t get angry over her comments, even after marinating in the point she was trying to get across.. I thanked her for sharing her observation, apologized for offending her, and then asked myself if there was any truth to what she’d stated. I’d recently shared with her what I was currently facing and yes, I was angry about the situation, BUT, I’d concluded that she’d painted me with a wide paint brush. Thank God I didn’t accept her observation as gospel. Thank God for your post, #4) Take constructive criticism seriously, but not personally. Listen, and then operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide.
Kathy @ SMART Living 365 says
Such great reminders as usual for living a happy and peaceful life. When we realize no one can take our good away from us, and that ultimately how we react to anything is “up to us” we can start seeing that NOTHING is personal. Of course, as you say, practice makes perfect. The stronger and more confident we get with ourselves, the less we will expect others to provide that for us. ~Kathy
Suyash Mishra says
It was very helpful. I can relate to the 4th point — I was having a tough time taking constructive criticism. Now I know that I should deal with it seriously rather than taking it personally. Thank you!
Barbara says
All of your articles speak to me, but this one in particular resonated with me. Unfortunately, I have spent most of my 70 years on this earth trying to please people, to gain their acceptance and approval of me, resulting in a life of sadness, loneliness, and depression. Gratefully I found Marc and Angel’s blog “by accident'” about 18 months ago. So, now I have hope that there is a better way to live.
Thank you for all of your support and encouragement! You have no idea how much you both are loved and appreciated!!!
Michael lingenfelter says
It is so great to hear that you’re found hope and a path you can follow that will day by day make you stronger. I wish you the best of luck in your journey and I hope for your continued Happiness!
Barbara+von+Normann says
This is amazing! I am also in my 70’s with the name Barbara, and I could have been the writer of this response. Your words echo my life: “…trying to please people, to gain their acceptance and approval of me, resulting in a life of sadness, loneliness, and depression.” Thank you so much, Barbara, for sharing and being so transparent!!!
I am also very grateful to Marc and Angel for showing me that there is a better way!
Blessings to all three of you!
Barbara from Estonia
Michael lingenfelter says
I admit I often find myself very quick to act when I have an idea or experience and want to share it with someone I love and they begin to not see it exactly the way I hoped they would. I end up feeling like I’m backed into a corner aggressively standing up for myself. I need to listen without judgment, understanding that they are not attacking me, rather giving their opinion about an idea. Good reminders here.
Susan says
Thank you Marc and Angel. Thank you everyone else for sharing your experiences. Practical examples teach (me) the most.
Mr_Baseball says
Honestly, I think this is something initially wasn’t a challenge for me until I simply started living, because that’s what happens. You end up meeting others that are already more jaded, cynical, and collectively more bitter than you are. The unfortunate thing about it is that is infectious, and if unchecked and change your entire outlook on life and the opportunities that come with it.
I’ve unfortunately become embittered with rejections when it comes to love to a point that while I still wouldn’t mind having a companion–I’ve given up feeling as if its impossible to find love. The reasons are endless for why I feel that it won’t happen. I always imagine whoever I may be interested in with their “ideal” partner, and they never look like me–so I don’t try anymore and I honestly….I’m in my mid 30’s…I’m almost certain that the dating pool is pretty awful. I feel that it’s “smarter” to remove myself from the potential of being hurt yet again.
I see people who after being hurt in love, continuously jump back on the wagon and try again and after what I’ve gone through (which arguably isn’t the worst of dating experiences) I just feel like its not worth it to put my time, money, and efforts in opening myself up to more likely being hurt yet again. Its hard for me to fathom that love exists anymore. I simply focus on my career because THAT I feel is more tangible than any semblance of love whatsoever. I know I’m not alone in this…However, having said that–I do realize that there’s a chance I’m “missing out” but its hard for me to really believe it enough to try again,
This article has given some insight to potentially giving love a try again. It just seems so pointless to do so. But I’ll try.
Kandace says
I love this post!
For so long I would take comments made in conversation very personal – so much so that I started to ‘protect’ myself and do almost the complete opposite. I started taking those same type of comments and never actually disgusting them. I work every day at this, finding the great middle ground and these mantras will very helpful in my continuous journey of taking things less personal.
Thanks for the great post!
Zully says
Your articles are so helpful. Thank you for giving without holding back.
Candis says
I have learned over the years that other people’s opinion of me is actually none of my business and that validation needs to come from the inside, not the outside. Identifying what is important to me in life and working towards that is where I find my happiness. Being a people-pleaser and caring about what others think of me has held me back most of my adult life. I have decided it cannot do so anymore, I am not responsible for others opinions of me, I AM responsible for how I react to those opinions and for taking care of my inner piece and for remembering the most important opinion is my own.
Seyi says
I so much agree with the point about people saying or doing what they do being a reflection of them.
Sometimes, people judge us based on their own outlook to life. Their perception of us will be coloured by what matters more to them in life – their values.
For example, when it comes to relationships and making friends in general, I’ve always been a quality-over-quantity person. If I join a new organization or social group, I like to take my time, observe, before making friends. And I also accept that, while I will be respectful and cordial to everyone, I might not even have a friend at all…
Some people might judge this as being aloof or even snobbish, but only because they are the types who are less deliberate in making friends. I’ve since realized that and don’t let it bother me.
Kala V says
I find it very helpful. All your articles are excellent and helping me to get through the most challenging situation. Thank you both for sharing such a wonderful message.
Young Han says
This article is very helpful for me who is sensitive to others to let go of their grip on me. In theory, I can let go of things taken personally, but in practice it’s another thing.
Michael Matthews says
Reading this article hit home with me. I had a girlfriend that would constantly say don’t take my words or actions personally. However, I learned that was her subtle way to manipulate the narrative and twist the facts around in her favor. I have no regrets from that relationship and I’m a better person because of the hard lessons. But in the end I learned it’s okay to walk away from a relationship if her constant defense is you take things too personally. The actions are what drives a loving relationship not the words.
Nanette Miranda says
From all the emails and articles you’ve writen over the years, Marc and Angel, you really make a difference in this world. Thank You I too will be careful of not taking things personally. I will try not to react as that usually makes things worse……especially in my large family with most having dominant characters with strong opinions.
Thank You both for your emails and good advice.
All the Best for 2021
NANETTE
Tracy Burton says
A recent friend told me I needed to ‘listen’ more. I thought long and hard about what she said, realised I can sometimes be a bit of a chatterbox and was quite honestly mortified. I thought maybe others felt the same but hadn’t wanted to say anything. When this friend and I are together, I listen to her financial woes, relationship problems and concerns about her family’s health issues. I walk in silence while she makes phone call after phone call to friends, work associates and potential clients.. On Monday morning, I told her I’d heard that a dear and lifelong friend had died suddenly in a tragic accident and how shocked and saddened I was. She didn’t hear, she didn’t ‘listen’. She just carried on talking about her own issues. Later that day, she phoned me so I mentioned his death again (really I just wanted to test if she’d even heard my bad news the first time around). Again, she acted like I hadn’t spoken the words and carried on talking about her own life. Your article has made me realise that her instruction to me to ‘listen more’ was more about her than me.
Mrs Vanessa J Rolph says
A very positive and insightful article about how other people can greatly affect your self-esteem and mood when they respond to you, especially if you have experienced traumatic events and your life has been shattered as a consequence. My own personal experiences of illness and the death of my beloved husband have affected me deeply, and my presumed assumption that people will understand my grief. Everyone has their own personal set of life values, hopes and dreams. One person soon after myloss said to me “you need to look to the future” which is probably correct, but exactly what you can’t do, due to overwhelming grief, as the future I had envisaged no longer existed. . I know now in hindsight that you should not expect other people to automatically be able to help or understand you. I am now having to find new strategies to live and it is unbelievably lonely; more like survival mode than living. A friend recently said “you have a new life now” which made me feel very angry and upset for several days afterwards. My thinking was one of complete outrage, along the lines of ” How could this person have so little knowledge of my reality – it is not a new life for me, it is our lives together now broken forever! Her perspective was totally opposite to mine. The lesson here is that unless you have experienced it, then you can not understand. it.
My life as a widow is so much diminished, I call it living in the shadows, as if the colour has been drained out of it, compared to the rich and rewarding life we used to have as a married couple, full of joyful companionship, love and laughter. It has been this life that has shaped me as the person I am today, after 40 years of being in a unique relationship with one truly special person. I try to be forgiving but it takes a great deal of effort to rise above t it, so any advice is appreciated.
Luke Zitterkopf says
Dear Mrs Vanessa,
Your story makes me feel compelled to say something that is supporting. Even though my words are not worthy to address your loss but let me try.
I want you to know that your grief and feelings have a place in your life. And they are yours to feel. No other person can truly relate.
Others may not be able to feel those deepest feelings with you. The loss you feel is from the intense love you had and still have for your husband.
It is my thought that your grieving represents the incredible value your husband had in your life. That is something that cannot be forgotten or diminished.
Although I do not know you I wanted to send you comforting words. I wish you the best and I wish you peace in your journey.
Yvette Marshall says
We as humans naturally want to retaliate when treated unkindly. The concept an eye for an eye etc is a prime example of our instinctive nature. However, this instinct can be overcome by the concept of turning the other cheek. It is a hard concept that requires lots and lots of practice. This blog entry is a great example on how to practice.
Unabis CBD says
Sometimes it already seems to me that it is unrealistic to take everything not personally, I am such a vulnerable person that it is simply difficult for me to endure it all! I am very grateful to you for this post, it is important for me that they write about this, since this is my main problem ((I really want to be a normal person, but it doesn’t work for me. But I can tell you that I tried your mantras and I can definitely say that they are beautiful! It’s true! Thank you!
Jezza says
Hi Marc,
This article was written with such powerful words. I am really thankful to you and Angel for always reminding me how to live my best life. I wish the two of you more wisdom and happiness.
Love from the Philippines,
Jezza