I’m sitting here on the tenth anniversary of a dear friend’s passing, thinking about the last conversation I had with her. With a soft, weak voice she told me her only regret was that she didn’t live every year with the same level of love, passion and purpose she had in the final two years of her life, after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. “I’ve accomplished so much recently. And I’ve touched so many people,” she told me. “If only I had listened to the good advice of my elders—if only I had known—I would have started sooner. I wouldn’t have wasted so much time on drama and distractions that don’t matter.”
My friend’s words were hard to hear in that moment, for many reasons. And although her sentiments—her lessons—were concepts I had listened to others say a hundred times before, I had never truly heard them until that moment. My heart broke wide open for her, and for me. It was downright painful to see the glimmers of regret in her eyes, and then to realize that I too had wasted time … that I too had let so much good, common sense advice go in one ear and out the next.
For a decade now, I’ve lived with my late friend’s words echoing in the back of my mind. I’ve let them guide me through thick and thin. And I’ve also committed myself to hearing more good, hard advice, and living by it. The list below is a highlight of that advice—some hard things I remind myself of often … some hard things we all need to hear sometimes.
- When you hear only what you want to hear, you’re not really listening. Listen to what you don’t want to hear too. That’s how you grow.
- Fantasizing about other times and places can be dangerous. Don’t cling so tightly to the past, or dream so fervently about the future, that you miss out on the real value and beauty that is here and now. Don’t live entirely in your head. Don’t miss your life!
- You often waste your time waiting for the ideal path to appear. But it never does. Because you forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting.
- You will never feel as confident as you want to feel. Stop believing that you should feel more confident before you take the next step. Taking the next step is what builds your confidence.
- Distractions will get the best of you if you let them. Study your routines, figure out where your time goes, and remove distractions. You become a true master of your life when you learn how to master your focus—where your attention goes.
- There’s a big difference between empty fatigue and gratifying exhaustion. Know the difference. Life is too short. Invest in the activities (and relationships) you deeply care about. Value what you give your energy to. Focus on what matters and let go of what does not.
- Self-neglect is super common. Realize this! Your needs matter. Do NOT ignore them. At times you have to do what’s best for you and your life, not just what’s best for everyone else. There’s absolutely nothing selfish about self-care and self-love. We can’t give what we don’t have. Enrich your life and you’ll be life-giving to others, too.
- You don’t give yourself enough credit sometimes. Remember that time you thought you couldn’t make it through? You did, and you’ll do it again. Don’t let your challenges get the best of you. Appreciate how far you’ve come. You’ve been through a lot, but you’ve grown a lot too. Give yourself credit for your resilience.
- Your response is always more powerful than your circumstance. A tiny part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.
- Everything gets a bit uncomfortable when it’s time to change. That’s just a part of the growth process. Things will get better. Be patient.
- Patience is not about waiting. Patience is the ability to keep a positive, focused attitude while working hard to move your life forward.
- New, good habits don’t form overnight. It takes roughly 66 days to form a habit. So for the next nine weeks, look at the bright side of your life, and you will rewire your brain. Then apply this same principle to other areas of your life. (Marc and I build small, life-changing habits with our students in the “Goals & Growth” module of the Getting Back to Happy Course.)
- Mental strength is incredibly important, and easily overlooked. Go to environments that expand your mind. Spend time with people who truly inspire you. Read books. Learn. Grow. Get better. Your life is your choice.
- Old patterns are hard to break. Be aware. Act consciously and consistently. Don’t fall back into your old patterns. Toxic habits and behaviors always try to sneak back in when you’re doing better. Stay focused.
- Sometimes it’s better to let go without closure. Actions and behavior speak volumes. Trust the signs you were given and gracefully press on.
- If you always play the victim, you will always be treated like one. Life isn’t fair. But you don’t have to let the past define your future. Try to take life day by day and be grateful for the little things. Don’t get caught up in what you can’t control.
- Life doesn’t always give you the circumstances you want. Life gives you the circumstances you need … to learn, to grow, and to fall in love.
- When you really pay attention, everyone and everything is your teacher. Take time to observe and listen. Take time to learn something new.
- No one wins at chess by only moving forward. Sometimes you have to move backward to put yourself in a position to win. This is a perfect metaphor for life.
- Your hardest challenges will teach you your best lessons. There is an opportunity in every difficult situation to understand yourself more deeply, and also to improve your life. Take one small step at a time.
- The vast majority of your stress is self-inflicted. And the most powerful weapon you have against stress is your ability to choose one thought over another. Learn to manage your thoughts, before your thoughts manage you.
- Your mind will forever produce negative thoughts. So the goal isn’t to get rid of all your negative thoughts. That’s impossible. The goal is to change your response to them. In fact, the strongest sign of your inner growth is realizing you’re no longer worried, stressed or pained by the things that once used to drain you.
- Calmness is a superpower. The ability to not overreact or take things personally keeps your mind clear and your heart at peace. Once you begin to value your inner peace over your need to react and be right, you will in fact experience more inner peace, and happiness.
- You are holding on to things that hold you back. When things aren’t adding up in your life, begin subtracting. Life gets a lot simpler when you clear the clutter that makes it complicated. Not everything and everyone you lose is a loss.
- “Busy” is mostly just an excuse. In a world with so much noise and clutter, you must make room to hear yourself and others. Embrace silence and space. Breathe and listen. Be where you are. You’re where you’re supposed to be at this very moment. Every step and experience is necessary, and can be enhanced with your presence.
- You ignore your inner voice too often. Give yourself the space to listen to your own voice—your own soul. Too many of us listen to the noise of the world and get lost in the crowd.
- You often seek validation from the wrong sources. You will never find your worth in another human being—you will find it in yourself, and then you will attract those who are worthy of your energy. So stop waiting for others to tell you how impressive you are. Impress yourself. Show yourself that you can grow and get better. It’s never about competing with others. In the end, it’s just you vs. you.
- Popularity is irrelevant. Forget popularity. Just do your thing with passion, humility, and honesty. Do what you do, not for an applause, but because it’s what’s right. Many of the kindest gestures you’ll ever make, and the most important things you’ll ever do, will never be seen publicly. Do them anyway.
- You have been impressed with some people for the wrong reasons. Be less impressed by money, titles, degrees, and looks. Be more impressed by generosity, integrity, humility, and kindness.
- People will not always tell you how they feel about you. But they will always show you. Pay close attention.
- Your expectations of others cause you unnecessary pain. Don’t lower your standards, but do remember that removing your expectations of others is the best way to avoid being disappointed by them.
- You will end up heartbroken if you expect people will always do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.
- Life is too short to argue and fight. Remember to be selective in your battles. Peace can feel better than being right. You don’t need to attend every argument you’re invited to. Count your blessings, value the people who matter, and move on from the drama with your head held high.
- You will gradually attract people that think and behave like you. If you want to be surrounded by positive people, you need to be positive too. And the opposite is also true. So do your best to surround yourself with people who push you to be your best. Less drama—less mess. Just higher vibrations and intentions.
- You need to learn to be more human again (we all do). Don’t avoid eye contact. Don’t hide behind gadgets. Smile today. Ask about people’s stories. Listen. (Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of our “1,000 Little Things” book.)
- Sometimes you subconsciously dehumanize people you disagree with. Be careful. In our self-righteousness, we can easily become the very things we dislike in others. Ultimately, the way we treat people we disagree with is a report card on what we’ve learned about love and compassion. Every single person you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something. Know this. Respect this. And be extra kind.
- “Bad” people can change for the better. If somebody is working on themselves and changing for the better, it’s unnecessary to keep bringing up their past. People can change and grow.
- Forgiveness is necessary for personal peace. Forgive others, not because they absolutely deserve forgiveness, but because you absolutely deserve peace. Free yourself of the burden of being an eternal victim.
- Life will take things from you, and give things to you, gradually and continuously. It’s funny how we outgrow what we once thought we couldn’t live without, and then we fall in love with what we didn’t even know we wanted. Do your best to embrace life’s uncertainties. Some of the best chapters in your life won’t have a title you feel fully comfortable with until later.
- Everything you have right now is in the process of changing again. Look around, and be thankful for your life right now. For your health, your family, your friends, and your home. Nothing lasts forever.
Your turn…
Before you go, let me ask you a quick question:
- Which point above resonates the most with you right now?
And how might reminding yourself of it, daily, change your life?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Nicole says
Marc, I totally agree with your opening thoughts on the importance of actually hearing good advice and implementing it. And I think these “hard” reminders you’ve provided are good tools for the job. Also, through your course’s one-on-one coaching, I learned the importance and power of self-inquiry from you and Angel–the practice of questioning my thoughts and beliefs, and how my thinking often gets in my way. This process has helped me clear my mind of heavy falsehoods and ultimately move my life forward following a lengthy period of mild depression. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for everything. It was hard to hear that I was doing it wrong, but the advice you gave me was necessary medicine.
Oh, and if I had to choose just one point from the list above, it’d be #22. Especially these lines:
“…the goal isn’t to get rid of all your negative thoughts. That’s impossible. The goal is to change your response to them.”
Melissa says
“Everything you have right now is in the process of changing again. Look around, and be thankful for your life right now. For your health, your family, your friends, and your home. Nothing lasts forever.”
Wow! So true!
It’s the last one that resonates the most in my heart and life. There are no truer words. A little over a year ago I lost my husband, life changed over night. Everyday I am thankful for my girls and our blessings. I know life can change in a minute. I take it one day at a time, some days I’m not so good at it and fear tries to come in and take over. But than I remind myself that this very moment in time I will never have again, & it is a reminder to stop, and be thankful to God for the blessings I do have today.
Marc Chernoff says
You are welcome, Nicole. You are making incredible progress in your ability to think and live more effectively. And thank you for the kind feedback.
Lisa says
Marc and Angel, you’re making a difference in my life. Thank you for placing the link to this post in my email inbox today. I really resonated with the entire post. The opening story is one I can relate to, as I lost a dear friend of my to breast cancer last year. Also, your final bullet point really hit home.
Jason Henry says
Wow! What a useful highlight of important wisdom to remember, M&A! It honestly reminds me of some of the lists in your book. Actually, I just hit print and I’m going to add this article into your book, by using it as a readable reference bookmark. Many of these points will be great as morning affirmations when I need a quick boost in perspective.
And now, my favorite from above…
“You are holding on to things that hold you back. When things aren’t adding up in your life, begin subtracting. Life gets a lot simpler when you clear the clutter that makes it complicated.”
So incredibly important to remember as I continue to work on being mindful and putting my best into my life. Thank you for another priceless resource!
Kristi Hurley says
I absolutely loved this article. My children & I were having a discussion about many of these things last night. My younger brother passed 11 years ago & one of my best friends a year later. The lessons that you learn while grieving are hard, but yet so important.
I love reminding them that tomorrow is not a given, so make sure that you don’t regret anything today. It is so important to remember this.
I love, “You often waste your time waiting for the ideal path to appear.” It resonates so well with me today as obstacles keep being put in my path, which I love learning from, however, sometimes I wait for those obstacles to clear before I move forward. The hard part is that I know that I just must move around the obstacle & continue that forward movement in order for the path to clear!
Thank you so much for such a great article!
Marc Chernoff says
Cheers to sharing these lessons with your children, Kristi. I honestly don’t think there could be a more important thing to do. And I completely resonate with what you’ve said about grieving. It’s a tough, necessary process the makes and unmakes you for decades.
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for mentioning our book and supporting our work, Jason. 🙂
Selene says
Very good! #29 struck me, but not the way one would expect.
Being #8 out of nine children, there wasn’t much to go around. Most of my friends came from much smaller families, therefore had a lot more material things than I. I would dream and wish for things I knew I could never have; things some of my friends had! When I finally went out on my own and had my 1st real grownup job, I spoiled myself all the time. The man I married had a motto: One must save for a rainy day. I told him that in my life, it was raining every day!
Well as life goes, after 2 kids and 8 years we divorced and I moved to on and had a good job, spoiled my kids. And then BAM, I got shut down with mental illness. Up until then, I had been managing it quite well. Things were so bad that I lost everything, and ended up on a disability income….living in poverty.
Four years years later I’m a different person. I’m not saying I don’t like nice stuff, but I’m now the humble one, the one who helps others who have less than I, even though I have little myself. I love to give, because it makes me feel good- very selfish act, really. There’s so much bad going on in this world, I go out of my way to do good as often as possible. If that’s telling someone they look good, so be it. Three words- “You look great!” And keep walking. Shock, but I’ll bet it’ll make that person feel just a little better.
How about stopping a helping that old lady rake her leaves instead of walking by. How long would that take out of your life?
Had I not been thrown into poverty at this stage in my life, with a mental illness, I doubt I would look at life quite this way. In the end, what makes me feel good, is knowing that I made someone have a positive feeling, and that they won’t forget.
As for the 40 list, I’ll be passing it on to many. Thank you.
Bill Boyd says
Glad I took the time to read. I needed this right now so thank you. #33 resonated the most. We have all heard that life is too short etc. However, I love what you said about counting your blessings, and removing yourself with your head held high. That is the kind of pride in myself I really want. Not giving into ego and engaging in battles that no one really wins. I am really going through it right now with a family situation in which this really applies. I need the strength to rise above and walk away. I value my family more than being right. I need the peace that comes with walking away knowing that is the right thing to do.
Thanks again.
Haresh says
Focus on every minute on what you do daily. Try and bring your monkey mind away from future and past happenings.
Enjoy the present and be strong-hearted doing whatever you are best at doing on a daily basis.
Have a good life! 😉
Robbie says
I am thankful for my health today. I want to keep reminding myself of all the good things in my life because I know nothing lasts forever. I am 71 and was just dumped by a boyfriend I was seeing for 4 years. I get depressed but keep reminding myself that time is running out and I need to keep.busy, keep learning and move forward to the next adventure and appreciate each day!!
Frankie says
#32. ‘Not everyone has the same heart as you. You will end up heartbroken if you expect people will always do for you as you do for them.’
This has happened to me three times with the same person, and I finally learned that he doesn’t feel the same respect for me as I do for him. He doesn’t value my feelings as I value his feelings.
He puts himself first unlike I do, I put “us” or “him” first, but I learned he does not do for me as I do for him.
My heart is very different from his. I learned this one final time and my heart was shattered. This heartbreaking learning experience is a gift of self-care and self-love! Letting go of 20 years of pain and suffering.
Vena says
Thank you for a great Reminders. Your list of 40 are all very true to a person who wants to grow and live life to the fullest.Yes Nothing last forever. And I was hoping mine will continue to change for better as I’m claiming it with a positive attitude towards life. Thank you Marc and Angel for your words of wisdom.
Cheri-anne says
Wow, what a great article. These really appealed to me and forced me to stop and think of some of the things I am guilty of doing and to work on them. Thanks.
Barbara says
Life IS too short to “argue and fight” constantly. I am learning to be positive and to forgive. And that helps me focus on the NOW!
thanks for your wise words.
Gail Boyce says
The one that touches me is “Calmness is a superpower”. I need to be better at practicing this. Love this list. I intend to share.
Karen Trimner says
Everything gets a bit uncomfortable when it’s time to change.
AND, sometimes it’s better to let go without closure.
Both resonate for me today.
Trust your gut.
Thought I had found my soul mate. It was so perfect for a while. Oh, but I was fooled again. These past few weeks have reminded me that emotional abuse is real and really hurts. No communication, feeling like I’m walking on eggshells, wondering what the hell happened.
No wonder it feels so uncomfortable here. My knight in shining armor used my kindness for weakness. Not a good thing buddy. I have been through hell and back and have helped others all my life. I am way too good for you to use and abuse me like this. So, when the time is right, I will leave you to your own devices. I will let go of you and the heartache. I will continue to love, but not love you. This domestic abuse advocate just learned another lesson to pass on to my clients. Never settle, never let someone make you feel “less than”, never stop loving (especially your self). Know when it’s not right, and walk away.
Bernice says
This came to me at the right time. Well-done Marc and Angel. Keep up the good work.
Monica says
I appreciate your time and effort in sharing these #40, hard things but real. I resonate with all of them.
I’m codependent, major depressive, ahh, the list.
I lost my 27 yr old son, Jan. ’17. So much I wish I’d known and done, that I know now. And, yet, my daughter and I have fought so much since. I have began walking away for a while now. A+
I’ve also lost many friends this year. 2 of which were friends of 30+ yrs. Most recently 1 of which, prayed and text me, “good night”, every night. I know he’s in heaven.
I know it’s not my fault any of them died. Although the depression of losing my son, and multiple others, including my favorite band lead singer, Chester Bennington, has taken it’s toll on me.
As well as, my relationship with a man that hasn’t been here for me at all. Nor anyone else, for that matter.
So, I have much too much, weighing me down.
It’s past time to stop holding onto people and the things of this world. I must focus on God, and things of my next life. Meanwhile, I will be rereading your list over and again. I will be making good use of your time and effort in sharing.
God bless us everyone <3
Thank you,
Sincerely,
Monica
Shane says
These are some really great life tips. #31 stood out to me. ‘Your expectations of others cause you unnecessary pain.’ We have to focus on ourselves. Everyone is on a different path. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache and pain is you follow this rule.
Jodi Valenstein says
They were all fabulous points but it took me a long time to get over point 32. I have had this happen over and over again in work and personal experiences and I now don’t expect from others and I do what i feel is right.
You will end up heartbroken if you expect people will always do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.
Mitch says
Gravitating to negativity is very easy it is like a magnate, and there is no positive reward.. it took me years and I still bow to it from time to time. But I do my best to keep away from negative people and negative situations. My days are so much more rewarding as a result, and now I can offer more value to others too.
tarcia simango says
hey marc and angel. thank you so much for sharing on your lessons about life. they help me a lot. the thought that resonates with me is “Your hardest challenges will teach you your best lessons. There is an opportunity in every difficult situation to understand yourself more deeply, and also to improve your life. Take one small step at a time”. I have lost an important part of my life and it has been the most challenging experience of my life but I have become a better version of myself ever since I accepted the reality. God bless you.
Anirban says
22. Listen to your inner voice
Intuition, inner voice, the muse… whatever it is… listening to the infinite intelligence is really important.. thank you for reminding us.
Amy KM says
So many of these resonate with me…especially 7, 22 and 27…
I so wish I had the resources to take your course…but financially it’s just not feasible for me right now…so I keep reading your “life nuggets” as I call them (nuggets of wisdom) and try to figure on my own how to make them happen! Thank you so much for these!
Cathy says
I couldn’t read this at first because it scared me for some reason. I read it later today and was in a better frame of mind to hear what you had to say. I feel number 31 spoke loud and clear because of an incident yesterday. I became immobile after expecting something from my husband that he was unable to fulfill. The rest of my evening was a waste and I was devastated because of this. I was able to communicate with him my feelings regarding the problem and so I have some resolve. I’m often disappointed because of expectations and thought I was expecting too much. I’m not going to lower my standards but I’m also not going to be so upset when he doesn’t live up to my need Great article as usual great advice also thank you
Lynn says
#27 validation from others was why I was so miserable for many years and remained in abusive marriage for over 20 years. I am 2 years out now and have grown tremendously, miraculously some say. I have been figuring some of the teachings out on my own, but it is super awesome now it is all in one place. I too do not have the resources but for a really good cause. I took on alot of debt to get rid of my ex and get the things I needed to have in a home to live. I gave him EVERYTHING because he really thought he needed it and deserved, since that was not my mindset, I was glad to help himout…BECAUSE it is so not about money…
Thanks Marc and Angel…I am so glad our paths crossed.
Darla Kitchen says
#32 my expectations get in the way of appreciation and gratitude towards others. I’m practicing observing the gesture or behavior vs analyzing what I expected it to be.
Daisy Ermoza says
I can’t begin to describe. Each and every number gave me something to think about.
I am in the middle of a divorce and I have to build up myself from zero. My life changed completely and I am trying. Like you said it easier said then done. Every time I read one of your emails give me more hope.
So thank you . I will continue reading and try to find my way even though sometimes I wish to give up. I will keep trying.
Anya Hollis says
This article was simply amazing. My favorite point was that life gives you the situations that you need to learn, to grow and live. Your articles are always such an inspiration to keep moving forward and to welcome each new experience that life brings.
Penelope says
This article has soooo much insight and wisdom! Oh my gosh, as I read through each one, these are such gems, and really an instruction “book” on life! Definitely a keeper article!
Liza says
Just what I needed to read today!!! I have a family member (sibling) who is toxic to me and I had made a decision to walk away!!! I need to take care of myself first!!!! TY.