If somebody is working on themselves and changing for the better, it’s unnecessary to keep bringing up their past. People can change and grow. You know this is true.
But, have you given yourself a fair chance recently to change and grow, too?
Have you consciously loosened your grip on everything that’s behind you, so you can step forward again with grace?
If you’re shaking your head, you aren’t alone. I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been there myself, and I know dozens of others in the same boat. At times, we all fall victim to our attachments. And sometimes we don’t even realize we’re blocking our own present blessings by holding on to the past. Do your best to realize this right now…
Growth is painful. Change is painful. But in the end, nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere in the past.
Let me share a quick true story with you…
When Our Old Stories Hold Us Back
She rarely makes eye contact. Instead, she looks down at the ground. Because the ground is safer. Because unlike people, it expects nothing in return. She doesn’t have to feel ashamed about her past. The ground just accepts her for who she is right now.
As she sits at the bar next to me, she stares down at her vodka tonic, and then the ground, and then her vodka tonic. “Most people don’t get me,” she says. “They ask me questions like, ‘What’s your problem?’ or ‘Were you beaten as a child?’ But I never respond. Because I don’t feel like explaining myself. And I don’t think they really care anyway.”
Just then, a young man sits down at the bar on the opposite side of her. He’s a little drunk, and says, “You’re pretty. May I buy you a drink?” She stays silent and looks back down at the ground. After an awkward moment, he accepts the rejection, gets up, and walks away.
“Would you prefer that I leave too?” I ask. “No,” she says without glancing upward. “But I could use some fresh air. You don’t have to come, but you can if you want to.” I follow her outside and we sit on a street curb in front of the bar.
“Brrr… it’s a really chilly night!”
“Tell me about it,” she says while maintaining her usual downward gaze. The warm vapor from her breath cuts through the cold air and bounces off of the ground in front of her. “So why are you out here with me? I mean, wouldn’t you rather be inside in the warmth, talking to normal people about normal things?”
“I’m out here because I want to be. Because I’m not normal. And look, I can see my breath, and we’re in San Diego. That’s not normal either. Oh, and you’re wearing old Airwalk sneakers, and so am I—which may have been normal in 1994, but not anymore.”
She glances up at me and smirks, this time exhaling her breath upward into the moonlight. “I see you’re wearing a ring. You’re married, right?”
“Yeah,” I reply. “My wife, Angel, is just getting off work now and heading here to meet me for dinner.”
She nods her head and then looks back at the ground. “Well, you’re off the market… and safe, I guess. So can I tell you a story?”
“I’m listening.”
As she speaks, her emotional gaze shifts from the ground, to my eyes, to the moonlit sky, to the ground, and back to my eyes again. This rotation continues in a loop for the duration of her story. And every time her eyes meet mine she holds them there for a few seconds longer than she did on the previous rotation.
I don’t interject once. I listen to every word. And I assimilate the raw emotion present in the tone of her voice and in the depth of her eyes.
When she finishes, she says, “Well, now you know my story. You think I’m a freak, don’t you?”
“Place your right hand on your chest,” I tell her. She does. “Do you feel something?” I ask.
“Yeah, I feel my heartbeat.”
“Now close your eyes, place both your hands on your face, and move them around slowly.” She does. “What do you feel now?” I ask.
“Well, I feel my eyes, my nose, my mouth… I feel my face.”
“That’s right,” I reply. “But unlike you, stories don’t have heartbeats, and they don’t have faces. Because stories are not alive—they’re not people. They’re just stories.”
She stares into my eyes for a prolonged moment, smiles sincerely and says, “Just stories we live through.”
“Yeah… And stories we learn from.”
Lessons We Learn as We Let Go
The woman from the story above became one of our very first students when Angel and I opened the doors to the original version of the Getting Back to Happy Course nearly a decade ago, and she’s now a good friend of ours too. She has learned and applied many remarkable lessons over the years that ultimately allowed her to let go of her heartbreaking past—her heartbreaking story—and move forward with her life. And last night, I sat down with her over a glass of wine and had an in-depth, soul-centered conversation about what she has learned over the years. I’m sharing her story and lessons with you today, with full permission, because I know we all struggle in similar ways.
Here are four key, actionable lessons we discussed…
1. You can have a heartbreaking story from the past, without letting it rule your present.
In the present moment, we all have some kind of pain: anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, regret, etc.
Notice this pain within yourself, watch it closely, and see that it’s caused by whatever story you have in your head about what happened in the past (either in the recent past or in the distant past). Your mind might insist that the pain you feel is caused by what happened (not by the story in your head about it), but what happened in the past is NOT happening right now. It’s over. It has passed. But the pain is still happening right now because of the story you’ve been subconsciously telling yourself about that past incident.
Note that “story” does not mean “fake story.” It also does not mean “true story.” The word “story” in the context of your self-evaluation doesn’t have to imply true or false, positive or negative, or any other kind of forceful judgment call. It’s simply a process that’s happening inside your head:
- You are remembering something that happened.
- You subconsciously perceive yourself as a victim of this incident.
- Your memory of what happened causes a strong emotion in you.
So just notice what story you have, without judging it, and without judging yourself. It’s natural to have a story; we all have stories. See yours for what it is. And see that it’s causing you pain. Then take a deep breath, and another…
Inner peace begins the moment you take these deep breaths and choose not to allow the past to rule your present thoughts and emotions. (We discuss this in more detail in the “Happiness” chapter of our “1,000 Little Things” book.)
2. A big part of letting go is simply realizing there’s nothing to hold on to in the first place.
All of the things from our past that we desperately try to hold on to, as if they’re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren’t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they’re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined storylines in our minds.
Life gets a lot easier to deal with the moment we understand this.
Imagine you’re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you’re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it’s not—it’s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn’t there.
Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there’s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn’t exist… or you can accept that there’s only water around you, and relax, and float.
Today, I challenge you to ask yourself:
- What’s something from the past that you are still desperately trying to hold on to?
- How is it affecting you in the present?
Then imagine the thing you’re trying to hold on to doesn’t really exist. Envision yourself letting go… and just floating.
How might that change your life from this moment forward?
(Note: Angel and I build small daily rituals for letting go of the past with our students in the “Pain & Hardship” module of the Getting Back to Happy Course.)
3. The subtle pain you continue to feel can be healed through compassion for those suffering alongside you.
When we’re still working through a painful experience from the past, it’s easy to feel like we’re going through it alone—like no one else could possibly understand how we feel. In a way, we subconsciously place ourselves at the center of the universe, and see everything that happened exclusively from the viewpoint of how it affects us personally, without regard for anyone else. But as we grow through our pain and gradually broaden our horizons, we begin to see that our self-centered thinking is only fueling our misery. And we realize that shifting our focus onto others for a while can help.
It’s one of life’s great paradoxes: when we serve others, we end up benefiting as much if not more than those we serve. So whenever you feel pain from the past trying to suck you back in, shift your focus from your circumstances to the circumstances of those near and far.
The simplest way of doing this at any given moment?
Practice letting your breath be an anchor for global healing…
Breathe in whatever painful feeling you’re feeling, and breathe out relief from that pain for everyone in the world who is suffering alongside you.
For example:
- If you’re feeling grief, breathe in all the grief of the world… then breathe out peace.
- If you’re feeling anger, breathe in all the anger of the world… then breathe out forgiveness.
- If you’re feeling regretful, breathe in all the regret of the world… then breathe out gratitude for the good times.
Do this for a minute or two as often as you need to, imagining all the pain of those near and far coming in with each breath, and then a feeling of compassion and reconciliation radiating out to all of those who are in pain as you breathe out. Instead of running from your past and the pain it caused you, you’re embracing it… you’re letting yourself absorb it. And you’re thinking of others as well, which gets you out of that miserable, self-centered mindset trap.
4. There is always, always, always something to be thankful for in the present.
Even when your past—your story—tries to pull you back in, you can consciously do your best to focus on your present blessings. What do you see in your life right now? Be thankful for it all. For your health, your family, your friends, and your home. Many people don’t have these things.
Also, remind yourself that the richest human isn’t the one who has the most, but the one who needs less. Wealth is a mindset. Want less and appreciate more today.
Easier said than done of course, but with practice it does get easier. And as you practice, you transform your past struggles into present moments of freedom. Ultimately, happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is. At the end of this day, before you close your eyes, smile and be at peace with where you’ve been and grateful for what you have. Life is good.
Your turn…
Again, the lessons above take practice to fully grasp in real time, because oftentimes we don’t even realize we’re blocking our own present blessings by holding on to the past. So just do your best to bring awareness to this—to practice diligently—so you can gradually let go. Keep reminding yourself…
- You are not your bad days
- You are not your mistakes
- You are not your scars
- You are not your past
Be here now and breathe.
And if you’re feeling up to it, I’d love to read your candid response to the questions presented earlier:
- What’s something from the past that you are still desperately trying to hold on to?
- How is it affecting you in the present?
Anything else you want to share about this post?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Michelle says
Marc and Angel, I’m truly enjoying your teachings in your course and here on the blog. And this says a lot about your work, because I’ve honestly been a bit of a cynic when it comes to self-improvement for most of my adult life. But I’ve truly grown to appreciate your insights, which is why I’m a student in your course, and why I’m writing this now. Thank you.
As it relates to your questions above, I have lots to let go of.
As my 45th b-day approaches soon, I’m struggling with the family life I expected to have—the marriage I expected to have—vs. the way my life is today. The two are not close. It’s difficult to accept that past circumstances in my marriage have cut into my present confidence, but I’m starting to see now that I need to let go more than I have. I know I have more opportunities in front of me. My professional life has been a success, so now I need to focus on my personal side too. It was healing to read your thoughts on this. As I journal about them and ritualize them (part of a helpful strategy I picked up from your course) and try to apply them to my life circumstances, I know your words will gradually help me reframe what my life is, and design a wiser vision for my present and future.
Lizzie says
Wow! 45th birthday, I remember that one. Sometimes I would love to go back there and”fix” some stuff but it’s all unfolded as it should.
Now, I’m 70 and in bed awaiting surgery for a crushed vertebrae. What a life I’ve had – four countries, three husbands and 50+.jobs.
Wouldn’t change a minute of it because good or bad, the lessons have been invaluable. Look back in 25 years and see how many lessons you’ve learned and who they made you.
Bob says
Keep moving forward Lizzie! You inspire more hearts than you will ever meet!
Faith says
Thank your for this….. so encouraging!!
LIz says
Lizzie,
I understand where you’re at…. including the crushed vertebrae. Be strong and know that there are others along side you.
K.C. says
Thank you as always, M&A. I continue to love how your wisdom arrives in my email inbox when I need it.
These lessons on letting go of the past have been insightful to me today. I have recently come to know and accept that I’ve been holding on to a lot of past baggage, and letting go doesn’t come as naturally to me as I might expect. This is especially true in my failed marriage. While letting go for good makes sense, my emotional heart still desperately tries to hold on to the idea of my marriage and family life was supposed to be, and it is painful. But even just reading your words reminds me that others too are struggling in various similar ways, and that makes me feel a little less alone and gives me the strength to admit my flats and believe that I can adjust my mindset and make better sense of things going forward.
Beth W. says
Love this post, Marc (and Angel). Thank you! Lot’s of healthy food for thought.
I’ve been holding on to a career choice I made over a decade ago when I was only 19, and I’m finally building up the courage to let it go and rebuild my professional career in a field that deeply connects with who I am today as a human being.
Also, I signed up solo to attend Think Better, Live Better 2022 in Orlando. Sounds like a great event! Looking forward to meeting some likeminded people.
Christy says
Wow, your story sounds like mine. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of a decision that I made when I was 21 that really took me off course. I don’t think I’ve ever really gotten back on course, but I’m trying. Good luck to you moving forward!
J.J.Salamon says
I thank you for the fantastic post Marc and Angel! My problem is not letting go of the past, but letting go of the anger of my past.
Losing the wife, the property and extended family and the city I lived in. I don’t like to lose anything and I am tenacious about holding on the my family and possessions.
Also I always want to move forward when I see a new opportunity before I reconcile with my past losses. I had this conversation with a dear friend this morning. I have to make peace with my anger and my past before I can move forward. I have put to much pressure and expectations on a new person in my life to fill in the void for those losses! Not a good thing to do to someone who wants to help! Time is a great healer, but only if we take that time 🙂
Audrey A says
I enjoyed this article very much. I come from a long history of traumas… typical story…sexual abuse.. broken home… my mother passed when I was young and I was tossed around to whichever family member was most able to care for me at the time (my father was a drunk, drug addict and deeply deeply depressed) . However, my most recent trauma was the most devastating. I made the decision to leave my husband and he responded by threatening to kill himself. I spent a month trying to talk him out of it.. tried to have him committed after he bought a gun.. tried to tell him the void it would leave in our daughters life (she was 18 months old at the time) he did it anyway. He waited until our five year anniversary had passed and shot himself in front of me the next morning. Its been nearly two years. I’ve lost family (who blamed me for his death) I had to sell my home because I couldn’t stand to stay any longer (he died on the street we lived on) and I’ve felt a total loss of identity. I want and need to move forward but it’s so very hard. I feel so responsible and my daughter reminds me of him daily. Thank you for the inspiring read.
Natalie Poirier says
Audrey,
My heart is so filled with love for you. Having a traumatic childhood myself I connected with your story. Yet hearing about your recent trauma I’m filled with hope for you. Hope for healing and release.
Mental health is so important and you can not be held responsible for someone else’s mental health. You did your best and that’s all you could do. We have our own personal choices in life and we can not thwart that upon another. Release the people who can’t face the situation and hold you to blame. This isn’t real. As M&A say, it’s their version of the story.
Your daughter has you and she is safe. Be proud that you are available for her and you are creating a beautiful present moment for eachother. This trauma is behind you, you didn’t cause it and clearly you can’t change if. What you can do is create this moment now. Suicide is so painful and it is marked with slight abuse. I mean no disrespect for anyone, yet here it seems the intention was to harm not only himself. You tried your best to get mental health for him.
Now it’s your turn. Reach out and in for yourself to grow and learn. It’s amazing but I’m feeling that this Article is saying perhaps for you to help others ( especially yourself and daughter) with emotional abuse survival. . This is what happened hear, I’m so sorry to say. Yet your such a survivor and I’m so proud to hear how you are moving forward. Be in your light and love and know that I celebrate your perseverance. What a wonderful Mother you are. Self love is key Audrey. Bask in self love. It’s your turn to be loved for being you. You have traveled so far. ??Natalie
David D. says
Audrey A., your accounts of your life, really had an impact on my heart, even though I know nothing about you, but as I write this, I feel like I do know. I cannot imagine what you must have gone through and still going through……..it would be a great disrespect to even think to say that I understand your position at this time. My heart aches for you, but believes in the fact that you will heal and flourish!
S. Chancey says
I strongly second that from David D. You will persevere! Start your day and end your day with Gratitude.
Victoria Darling says
Audrey,
How do you know that you are responsible for his death and how do you know that is absolutely true? How would you feel if you didn’t have those thoughts of being responsible for a death that was 100% beyond your control? What if you turned it around and said, metaphorically speaking for just today, I’m responsible for my own death? I wonder if you could tap into, just a little bit even, the power of your own goodness and deserved joy? Be still, remember to breath in the despair and breath out the peace. You absolutely do have that serenity you want inside of yourself already, let it surface. Kind Regards, vicky-
Janine says
Please don’t give up. You did everything you could. What you’ve endured is unimaginably horrible and you have displayed such courage to continue to live and make good choices (Like selling your house) for your sake the the sake of your daughter. What an amazing mother and woman you are. Don’t give up. Your life has tremendous value and you need to keep getting up every day, doing your best even though I am sure those days are brutal. This IS trauma. Love and nurture yourself as tenderly as you can. Believe life can be better for you – bc if you believe it, it will be. You obviously have a huge heart and I pray you will find peace. You will love again. I promise. Hang in there. You are not alone, alone as this may feel. All the good in the Universe, all the angels, all are pulling for you. Bless you. Don’t give up. We can’t see what’s better and what’s just around the corner, not yet, but it’s coming. Believe. There is always room for hope.
Amo says
Audrey, I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience such heartache. I wish you & your daughter the peaceful happy future you deserve. Much love.
Margaret says
Audrey: It is a hard lesson to learn that we are never responsible for another person’s reaction. The fruit of that lesson is freedom from misplaced guilt. Even without the guilt, you have endured an extreme shock imprinted on your whole being. Physically processing the assault on your nervous system in a way that suits your personality will bring relief. Yoga works for me, a lot of people find breathwork helpful. I wish you a forward journey of healing and peace.
Susanne Stanfield says
Audrey I am so sorry for all you have gone thru, you need help to understand that you are not responsible for the actions of other people.
I have lived with an alcoholic for 41 years I finally left him and started attending Al-anon meetings and learning the damage it causes to the family.
This article’s from Marc and Angel are absolutely wonderful but I urge you to attend the meetings and work the steps .
Please do it for yourself and your precious daughter.
With much love
Susanne
Cecile says
Audrey you have been through a lot of trauma. None of it your fault. To move forward to a happier life I would suggest you get good quality help. Excellent techniques I’ve read about are EMDR and EFT. EMDR involves eye movements during therapy and EFT involves tapping on certain meridian points on your body during in therapy. They seem to be extremely effective. I learnt recently that term ‘psychoanalysis’ means ‘study of the soul’ – from the Greek goddess of the soul Psyche which originally meant butterfly. For a broken leg we get treatment – for a broken soul we need treatment just as much. Just get some help whichever method/person you choose. There are hundreds of people out there that have dedicated their lives to guiding others. Lots of love and courage – Cecile
Debs says
Oh Audrey I felt so emotional reading your story, it must feel like you will never get through what happened to your husband. What he did was purely his own actions, you could not have saved him. We cannot change people who ultimately do not want to be saved. He was suffering and he is no more. He is at peace and got what he wanted. We are all individuals. Big hugs.
Sindy says
Hi Marc,
This writing really speaks to me!
It’s an interesting concept, that the stories we tell ourselves may be coming from a self centered place that doesn’t appreciate the other perspective. It’s certainly a step up from the previous accusations. But I guess we ALL act in a self centered way sometimes and only see from our own point of view. For myself, I couldn’t be happier to hear that it’s no longer relevant and I can leave the past behind. I only felt that way because of what was still happening even up to May last year, but I guess that too was open to interpretation.
This post feels so strange, sort of bittersweet or maybe anticlimactic. Anyway, glad to be able to leave everything behind and step into the sunlight!
All the best for the new year!
Elizabeth says
I almost feel getting through my life in the past few months has been because of a few ‘divine interventions’; thus, this article another one, to help me get over or maybe make sense of the past six months of my life. I left my husband for a past flame and it turns out he is a Narcissistic Sociopath. Had no idea but I’ve been deeply in love with him, or so I thought, for many years and possibly was blindsided by this fact. He is an attorney but also a liar, cheat, and drunk. He was then and is now but my “fairytale” of being in his life as his “Princess” almost did me in. To this day, I go back and read his texts and see that everything he said was a lie. Took advantage of my naivety and brainwashed me into doing things I never dreamed I would do. Looking to the present, my husband and I are working on our marriage; a husband who loves me to the moon and back. So I guess this is the part where the present is forefront and the past should be forgotten…but not without very painful emotional scars.
Mary says
You most certainly have a lot (someone – your husband) to be extremely grateful for. Breathe out gratitude. Be happy. ??
Jamie Love says
Well where to start. First thank you for the article and perspectives. How true, we all hold onto something and somehow it ends out playing out in oir life’s. I read the other comments and whoa, so much pain in our minds, that play out in our life’s. I find it hard to to put my story together. I sit and think what am I holding onto, what is my story. Why am I where I am. How dis I get here, what from my past am I holding onto. Well here goes, I’m in my early 40’s just recently divorced. I know my marriage wasnt perfect, two people who really cared and loved each other, but couldn’t put it together. Somethings I do blame myself for, somethings I know were not my fault. I do dwell on the things that were done to me personally, because I know they were an unfair judgement. But as I look at my life as a whole and realize why am I at this point, I van only look at myself and my actions. I feel paralyzed spinning my wheels but going nowhere and have been for so many years. What am I scared of, why do I do nothing, why do I never take action. I’m confused. If I wasnt this way, would my life be different? I know what a wonderful person I am, my soul is strong, my ideas are great if I could only get out.of my own way. It’s like I’m waiting for a miracle to happen, but dont want to take the journey that is necessary to have the blessings in my life. Maybe somewhere in my past failure has made me paralyzed. Maybe negative people or situations have held me back from shining through. I’m not sure, but I know I want to try to figure it out, I want to move forward, I want to shine. Thank you for putting this light at the end of the tunnel, Im going to move towards it and keep moving forward to understanding. Thank you for your work.
Sarah says
As I read this I appreciate both Marc and Angel tremendously. I’ve know about both beautiful souls for a while now. I read this and there’s so much to be thankful for in this article it’s true. But within my own circumstances. I can’t seem to let go. I want to but don’t know how. I feel so completely lost more than ever before and it an incredibly horrible feeling. So sad. I can’t seem to let go of anything. I hold on to it and never seem to yeah ever let go. It hurts. Like I’m used to the pain and comfortable with the pain. I don’t know where to start. I feel so terribly lost Marc and Angel. I don’t know where to start :'( I feel like I should hold on to it because I feel I can fix the things that (maybe) cannot be fixed but I always have hope and think I can fix the things I messed up ever so badly and even the things externally even that aren’t my fault. I want to let go and be free from the past. But it haunts me horribly. How can I let go of it. When somehow something or my own soul won’t let me let go. I don’t know how?!?!?!?!? It’s hard so HARD…..
Mo says
Thank you for such an eye-opening article. It definitely has me thinking! One thing I am holding onto is a past relationship that didn’t end the way I wanted it to. And now, after reading this, I am wondering if my replaying the break-up in mind, is coming from a self-centered place. And me replaying it in my mind, is disrupting my peace. I have to let it go because it no longer exists…it’s in the past..
Rob says
Really well written this week Marc. I think the trauma or horror of what we went through leaves us stuck/wary/fearful. But I can see
how the past is just not that useful for moving on anymore. Thanks for reminding us that we can leave it behind and live in the present and future.
Teresita Abarca says
Thanks God for your wisdom and willingness to share. I’m more happy person right now than before I start reading your books and blog. I’m 73 years old but I still learning how to live better because of you.
JJ says
Reading your post was especially relevant to me. I have been dealing with incredible loss and trying to come out the other side to a happy life. Then I read all of the stores of the people who left comments and I see that I am not the only person in the world to have such circumstances. Happiness is really a choice, isn’t it? The willingness to grow beyond what happened to each of us and to find happiness and meaning again is possible.
For me, it seems it has been a process of digging deep and finding who I am and then following what I have found there….the people and the things and circumstances that are meaningful to me. If there are no people left or no things left then the circumstances that make me happy.
I have been putting little things into my life that give me great joy…sitting outside at the end of the day and having my cool drink of sparkling water and listening to my Alexa with my favorite music. When my husband comes home he will join. These things give me incredible peace and joy,.
For those that posted their stories, I am hoping your 2022 will be the year you are able to put the past behind you and find your happiness again. I am hoping that for myself as well. Thank you Marc and Angel for helping us all get a little closer to the life that makes us happy!
Brad G says
Great post this morning! It takes effort to uncover one’s “stories” because they almost become real and take on a life of their own. My own learning is that as I’ve learned to identify some of them (I’m sure there are many more yet to work on) it opens up space for me to appreciate life more fully and actually begin to work on creating a life of living!
Thank you for this!
Susan says
I am holding on to feeling like I am stuck. I am trying to find a way back to what my purpose is.
Recently retired and hard to figure out where I belong. Have tried many things and still working on myself.
I am taking comfort in letting go of the things that no longer serve me but trying to find out what to replace it with.
Thank you for the inspirational stories and tips for living happier.
Claudia says
Welcome to the ” Finding our purpose again club”. We have quite a few members, I being one as well. My life was my buisness, now being retired and 76, I, too, have been struggling with what now? My purpose has always been a major accomplishment, now that I don’t need to acquire that, I’m settling for the small things in life for now-like passing on a smile.
Annie says
Thank you for this insight about stories and how they are just, well, stories and not definitive blueprints for how we must live our lives. I am currently experiencing job/income difficulties and have been feeling stuck and unable to make any changes and fearing a poor and empty life because of certain decisions, circumstances, and, yes, stories from the past. Your piece reminded me that life does not have to be lousy because lousy things happen to us and that the past need not dictate the present. These are trying times, but there is a path forward.
Lorna says
I’m desperately trying to hold onto the person my husband was before he had a brain injury. The guy with a solid career who led a successful 11 piece dance band (everything from Prince to Tower of Power and Big Bad Voodoo Daddy) and played the upright bass like he owned it. He’s still here but I miss him so much.
Robert says
That was a nice story. I’m reminded of the “wounded healer”, which is a mindset we can adopt to transform an experience that made us a victim into one that can make us a redeemer.
By drawing upon our own misfortune and offering our insights of overcoming it to somebody else, our suffering offers an opportunity to heal others. By healing another we heal ourselves. It makes our own suffering worthwhile because we use it to relieve that of others. That transformation of suffering makes it both bearable and in a perverse way, almost fortunate.
People we help can thus transform their own perspective from that of a victim to that of a wounded healer too. That kindness can just go forward, redeeming person after person, transforming sources of personal pain into sources of personal redemption, helping others to help others at every turn.
That’s a very powerful narrative. Suffering as an opportunity to redeem. It’s one that makes our suffering feel worthwhile because of the opportunity for good it presents us with.
Joanna Klassen says
A big gift arrived on my iPad via email this morning. It was your “written for me in this moment” article above. I tripped into a slump two days ago and now feel empowered to lift myself up and out. Thank you for being you and bringing your mighty gifts to the world on your blog.
Stories are my work with Transformative Life Writing, a process for naming, claiming, taming, re-framing and proclaiming the life-enriching places we want to live from. Today I needed help moving through a slippery old SOB (Same Old Baloney) Story. You answered my heart’s prayer with your wisdom. I smile and offer my gratitude.
Sheila says
I was supposed to be the famous ballerina and that never happened. I was supposed to be the woman my husband loved and that never happened. I was supposed to have that lake side house and that never happened. But I am close to God and I have my animal children and I would not lose that for anything mentioned above.