You are GOOD enough, SMART enough, FINE enough, and STRONG enough. You don’t need other people to validate you; you are already VALUABLE.
Sometimes we try to show the world we are flawless in hopes that we will be liked and accepted by everyone, but we can’t please everyone and we shouldn’t try. The beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our complex emotions, and our authentic imperfections. When we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic, instead of who we think others want us to be, we open ourselves up to real relationships, real happiness, and real success.
There is no need to put on an act. There is no need to pretend to be someone you’re not. You have nothing to prove to anyone else, because…
1. The people worth impressing just want you to be yourself.
In the long run, it’s better to be loathed for who you are than loved for who you are not. In fact, the only relationships that work well in the long run are the ones that make you a better person without changing you into someone other than yourself, and without preventing you from outgrowing the person you used to be.
Ignore the comparisons and expectations knocking at your door. The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday. Prove yourself to yourself, not others. The RIGHT people for you will love you for doing so, and they will appreciate all the things about you that the WRONG people are intimidated by. Bottom line: Don’t change so people will like you; be patient, keep being your amazing self, and pretty soon the RIGHT people will love the REAL you.
2. No one else really knows what’s best for YOU.
Don’t lose yourself in your search for acceptance by others. Walk your path confidently and don’t expect anyone else to understand your journey, especially if they have not been exactly where you are going. You have to take the steps that are right for you; no one else walks in your shoes.
Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being true to yourself, you put something breathtaking into the world that was not there before. You are stunning when your passion and strength shines through as you follow your own path – when you aren’t distracted by the opinions of others. You are powerful when you let your mistakes educate you, and your confidence builds from firsthand experiences – when you know you can fall down, pick yourself up, and move forward without asking for anyone else’s permission. (Read Awaken the Giant Within.)
3. YOU are the only person who can change YOUR life.
In every situation you have ever been in, positive or negative, the one common thread is you. It is your responsibility, and yours alone, to recognize that regardless of what has happened up to this point in your life, you are capable of making choices to change your situation, or to change the way you think about it. Don’t let the opinions of others interfere with this prevailing reality.
What you’re capable of achieving is not a function of what other people think is possible for you. What you’re capable of achieving depends entirely on what you choose to do with your time and energy. So stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Just keep living your truth. The only people that will fault you for doing so are those who want you to live a lie.
4. Society’s materialistic measurement of worth is worthless.
When you find yourself trapped between what moves you and what society tells you is right for you, always travel the route that makes you feel alive – unless you want everyone to be happy, except you. No matter where life takes you, big cities or small towns, you will inevitably come across others who think they know what’s best for you – people who think they’re better than you – people who think happiness, success and beauty mean the same things to everyone.
They’ll try to measure your worth based on what you have, instead of who you are. But you know better than that – material things don’t matter. Don’t chase the money. Catch up to the ideas and activities that make you come alive. Go for the things of greater value – the things money can’t buy. What matters is having strength of character, an honest heart, and a sense of self-worth. If you’re lucky enough to have any of these things, never sell them. Never sell yourself short. (Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the “Self-Love” and “Simplicity” chapters of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
5. Life isn’t a race; you have nothing to prove.
Everyone wants to get to the top of the mountain first and shout, “Look at me! Look at me!” But the truth is, all your happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing, not while you’re sitting at the top. Enjoy the journey by paying attention to each step. Don’t rush through your life and miss it. Forget where everyone else is in relation to you. This isn’t a race. You get there a little at a time, not all at once.
Let go of the foolish need to prove yourself to everyone else, and you’ll free yourself to accomplish what matters most to you. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that you don’t have to always be and do what everyone else is being and doing.
6. The path to all great things passes through failure.
You are an ever-changing work in progress. You don’t have to always be right, you just have to not be too worried about being wrong. Screwing up is part of the process. Looking like a fool sometimes is the only way forward. If you try too hard to impress everyone else with your “perfection,” you will stunt your growth. You will spend all your time looking a certain way, instead of living a certain way.
It’s impossible to live without failing sometimes, unless you live so cautiously that you aren’t really living at all – you’re merely existing. If you’re too afraid of failing in front of others, you can’t possibly do what needs to be done to be successful in your own eyes. You have to remember that it doesn’t matter how many times you fail or how messy your journey is, so long as you do not stop taking small steps forward. In the end, those who don’t care that failure is inevitable are the ones that reach their dreams. YOU can be one of them. (Read The Last Lecture.)
7. It’s impossible to please everyone anyway.
Some people will always tell you what you did wrong, and then hesitate to compliment you for what you did right. Don’t be one of them, and don’t put up with them.
When you run into someone who discredits you, disrespects you and treats you poorly for no apparent reason at all, don’t consume yourself with trying to change them or win their approval. And be sure not to leave any space in your heart to hate them. Simply walk away and let karma deal with the things they say and do, because any bit of time you spend on these people will be wasted, and any bit of hate and aggravation in your heart will only hurt you in the end.
Afterthoughts
You don’t need a standing ovation or a bestseller or a promotion or a million bucks. You are enough right now. You have nothing to prove. Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself. You will have less heartaches and disappointments the minute you stop seeking from others the validation only YOU can give yourself.
The floor is yours…
How has the desire to be accepted by others interfered with your life? What has it stopped you from doing or being? How have you coped? Leave a comment below and share your insights with us.
Photo by: Lali Masriera
Scott Dee says
It’s taken me nearly 60 years to stop trying to prove myself to everyone. I wasted many years of my life in tragic situations simply because I wanted to win the approval of of the wrong people.
Honestly, my most important life lesson I’ve learned is to not care what people think of me, and that I cannot please everyone no matter how hard I try. Now I have this mantra: “I am who I am, and if people can’t accept me for who I am, they can keep walking.”
BTW, I bought two of your books today and I can’t wait for them to arrive. I’m giving one of them to my daughter as a gift (she actually introduced me to your Instagram account and work).
Diane says
Similar experience here having been raised in a home that only cared about “appearances” , after years of therapy I still struggle to be my real self and overcome my need to be the best. At 69 I’m exhausted and just need it to stop. Old tapes playing in my head are extremely hard to get rid of.
Dev says
Like Scott, I have struggled with my self-image in front of others. It’s been a gradual process of letting go and refocusing my energy inward – something your blog and books have helped me with tremendously.
@Scott Dee: You will love their books. Read a page or two of 1,000 Little Things or 1,000 Little Habits every day to remain inspired and focused. I do.
Susan says
I am working on changing my people-pleasing mindset right now, so thanks for the perfect timing with this post.
I know I do not need to worry about what others think of me. As long as I’m not hurting anyone, I’m allowed to beat to my own drum and do what’s best for ME. Remembering this and acting accordingly, however, is often a challenge for me.
Lorna says
The fear of making a mistake and “looking bad” in front of others used to cause me to freeze and not do, or start, anything – by not starting, I wouldn’t risk failing.
Re-framing that fear with a new meaning that mistakes were opportunities for learning and growth helped me to see value in the process as well as in myself. And continues to give me the courage to step outside of my comfort zone.
Liz says
For many years now I have used this phrase: “What you think of me is none of my business !!!” It always helps me to remember to stay true to myself .. Thank you for your amazing and inspiring columns .. I have spread the word on how valuable they are ..
Hugs to you both, M&A!
Tony says
I read this blog often and each time, it’s exactly what I need to hear. Thank you!
It’s been nearly 5 years since my separation/divorce. When do I stop asking “Why?” and truly let go and move on? I am in the best place I’ve been in a while, but keep returning to a place of doubt and uncertainty when I “slow down” and allow my mind to consider “what if”. My kids are growing up and moving on with their lives and their mom has as well. I am looking forward to when I do as well. Hoping to continue to heal, grow, believe I am alright.
Valerie says
Tony, the time is now for you to let go, you can’t continue to relive your past because it’s only hurting you. Sure your occasionally going to think how things were and why did my life turn out this way but take it from someone who’s biggest regret was waiting 15 years to finally realize life is too precious to waste my time on what was and will never be! Kids are grown now and soon to be a Grandmother so please enjoy your kiddos while they’re still young.
Robin says
Great article! I have found myself being the “butt kissing” fool in many circumstances. Looking back or rather looking forward, I see that I never put myself first and all the “butt kissing” has gotten me NOWHERE!
It’s a day for new beginnings and your article truly opened my eyes.
I look forward to future postings.
Roxy Andre says
Robin, my heart is with you.
Please create Goals
And write them Down
Seek God…
Run after Him like a person starving for Food.
Shut everyone Else out
And head towards those goals
With each bump and Bruise be Grateful.
And Self Love will Develop
Thank you!
Karen Leach says
THANK YOU
I’ve so enjoyed reading all the comments and I relate to ALL of them. Gods not finished with me yet.
Stan says
One of my favorite sayings is: Those who care about you don’t need to be impressed. Those who don’t care about you won’t be impressed no matter what you do.
I wore myself out trying to get people’s approval, but I’ve finally learned to not worry about it. What a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
Gina says
Wow – this one was divinely timed for me. I am working on healing my heart and my relationship with myself and the world. I was recently diagnosed with complex PTSD and am in trauma-focused therapy. The inner narrative that has hurt me the most, passed down by a narcissistic parent, is the idea that I need to be approved or confirmed by others before I can believe that I’m good enough. I inwardly panic when people disagree or misunderstand me, especially if they show any kind of contempt or disrespect towards me. It makes me want to hide in shame and seethe in anger, especially in our current ideologically charged times. I am learning how to listen to myself and focus on knowing what makes me feel full and tender inside, and then approving of myself for following my own path. I’m trying to give myself the presence, openness, patience, kindness, encouragement and accolades I’ve sought from people who don’t understand my path and are walking a totally different one. It’s a slow and long process. But I’ll do my best to enjoy the climb. The words in this post, and in the comments below, make me feel so seen, and remind me it’s okay if not everyone sees me for who I am. Thank you, M&A 🙂
Nathan Reedy says
With all due respect, for me personally I disagree with this. I have been & am majorly doubted & underestimated by the vast majority of people. I was born with a physical disability & my “parents” were & are (if we weren’t estranged at my decision) abusive, demeaning, belitting, majorly doubting just to name a few things that they were (are). I can neither help, change or control what others do & don’t do. This being said when you have been doubted & underestimated & torn down as much as I have by the people (& not only & just my ‘parents’) who were supposed to believe in you, be behind you & encourage & support you no matter what, it does a Real number on you, let me tell you. I have figured out how to (for myself) take & use & turn people’s doubting, underestimating & tearing down of me into drive, motivation, fuel & perservance to go out & do what people say, think & believe that I cannot do & thus prove them wrong & make them pay. Yes, people are allowed to doubt & underestimate me & not believe in me & my abilities. However they don’t get to do so *without* paying & thus being proved wrong 95% of the time by me. No One Doubts & Underestimates Nathan Reedy & gets away with it. (I utterly LOATHE & Despise being Underestimated & I would give anything to not be doubted & underestimated, but people have choices to make, yet so do I & I choose to let the doubt & underestimation of others fuel & motivate me & believe me, it does.
Joshua says
You know… as I read all of your words they really gave me the chance to take a step back and see how I’ve been treating others based off of the way I treat myself. By default, I am so compassionate. I’m loving. Generous. Patient. Fierce. Considerate. Tactful. Understanding and just the type of person everyone likes to be friends with. I’m that “nice and popular kid”… anyway I thought that about myself. There was a point in my life from high school to 2020 where I wore these characteristics on my sleeve. Then I reached a moment where I FAILED at the age of 19. Failed to become a flight attendant after attending an airline / travel agent focused academy and getting a 4.0 / Dean’s List / Perfecr attendance / And Tutor recognition. Unlike most people’s comments here about how their self esteem is low or how they want to please people, I’m quite the opposite and it’s fucking terrible. I formed this self-image of a “popular, kind, well-accepted, intelligent” individual when in actuality the truth is that I am very insecure. About my failure, about my body, about the way people portray me as and about the car I drive. I’ve completely changed by developing such a high ego and expectations HOPING I’ll love myself again and carry positive characteristics when I’m actuslity, I reflected my insecurities and lack of self-acceptance to everyone around me- my family and my friends. I’m someone that loves to self-reflect but my high ego and pride was the wall blocking my view of the big picture- me. Loving and accepting myself so I can live in moments once again and form fulfilling connections and life-lasting bonds. I seriously appreciate your words. You are truly angels that have helped me in realizing my faults… your words change lives. You’re exemplary. Thank you once again, M&A.
Sophia says
Wow. I loved this article. I’m 20, so reading this especially with all the social media out there, really helped me see my REAL priorities. I’ve been trying ever since I was 3 to please people and I need to stop. Life is to short to let others control your life. Thank God I ran into this article at my age, because my journey is just starting and now I know how to continue the RIGHT way.
I started at a new university last semester and I’ve been trying so hard lately to fit in and become popular and make tons of friends and be “living my best life” like all these others people that made it seem like they’re life was so amazing. I’ve also been trying to change myself and I’ve been losing myself.
What I’ve noticed I’ve been doing is day dreaming about where I want to be at the end of the year and thinking about how awesome my life is going to be then. I’ve been pretty much just floating through life and every day is just a checklist of things I need to do by the end of the day to reach my end goal (have all the specific friends I want, be popular, etc.).
It’s sad. It really is. And I’ve been so depressed because I feel like I’m missing out on all of the fun everyone else is having.
Like the article said, I just need to go at my own pace. Because I’ve noticed that when I’m not around anyone else and I’m with my family I feel like I’m living my best life.
I need to stop comparing the idea of what everyone thinks is “living their best lives” and just actually genuinely enjoy my life because THAT is truly living your best life.
Rohini V N says
“When you run into someone who discredits you, disrespects you and treats you poorly for no apparent reason at all, don’t consume yourself with trying to change them or win their approval. And be sure not to leave any space in your heart to hate them. Simply walk away and let karma deal with the things they say and do, because any bit of time you spend on these people will be wasted, and any bit of hate and aggravation in your heart will only hurt you in the end.”
Very true. That’s what I did.
Bridget says
Thank you for your emails. I always receive them when needed the most. I’ve been struggling with validation and approval from my family, friends and partner. Always there to assist people, hardly giving myself time to listen to the inner me, numbing myself with overspending, social media, TV and food. But I’m learning to walk away from people who use me, currently spending more time alone, listening to my needs, it made me sleep better at night. I’m now focusing on myself. Even though I still feel fearful about starting my business which I had the idea for almost 5 years now but I get insecure everytime I want to start it. But I believe when the inner me is healing with time I’ll be able to conquer
Jeanette says
I swear anytime I need to feel grounded, your blog is the ANSWER. Thank you for your constant effort to keep us all lifted up.
SR To says
Similar experience here having been raised in a home that only cared about “appearances” , after years of therapy I still struggle to be my real self and overcome my need to be the best. At 69 I’m exhausted and just need it to stop. Old tapes playing in my head are extremely hard to get rid of.