When life has to be a certain way in order to be good enough for us, we close ourselves off from so many of the real and present opportunities available.
On the contrary, when we let go of the way it “should be,” we free our minds to deal with life’s unexpected changes, challenges and chaos in the most effective way possible…
We create space for acceptance, learning and growth.
We learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others.
We see the world through an unbiased set of eyes.
And gradually, we allow ourselves to step forward with more peace of mind.
With that said, I don’t always let go when I need to. I don’t always have a clear and focused mind. Because I’m only human, and human beings have the tendency to hold on too tight. Sometimes life slaps us really hard and we attach ourselves to the pain, even when we know better.
When I’m holding on too tight, I can really feel it in my gut. I feel anxious, frustrated, irritated, and upset. There’s an aching for things to be different than they are — a feeling of rejection or betrayal or hopelessness.
I’m sure you can relate. We’re all struggling through this one together, in our own unique way right now. And the vast majority of our torment is the result of being caught up in whatever story we’re telling ourselves about how life “should” be.
So for starters, here’s what I try to keep in mind…
Quotes and Reminders to Let Go of “How Life Should Be”
- We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our attention and gratitude. How often do you pause to appreciate your life just the way it is? Look around right now, and be thankful… for your health, your family, your comforts, your home. Nothing lasts forever.
- Some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.
- Letting go isn’t forgetting, it’s remembering without fear. It’s stepping forward with a present mind and a lesson learned. So just remind yourself right now: you are not your bad days, you are not your mistakes, you are not your scars, and you are not your past. Be here now. Be free.
- Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.
- Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head.
- Life is change. You must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.
- Even though you cannot control everything that happens, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to gradually master you. (Marc and I discuss this further in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Every difficult life situation can be an excuse for hopelessness or an opportunity for growth, depending on what you choose to do with it.
- In the midst of particularly hard days when I feel that I can’t endure, I remind myself that my track record for getting through hard days is 100% so far. (The same is true for you, too.)
- Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.
First Steps for Coping with Unfavorable Outcomes
Reflecting on the reminders above can be incredibly grounding when life doesn’t go as planned. But what can you do if the immediate tension inside you is spiraling out of control?
Here’s a brief outline of some initial steps Marc and I actively take (and cover with our course students and live event attendees) to cope with the immediate tension that arises from unfavorable outcomes in our lives:
- Acknowledge the tension inside you. – If you notice yourself getting angry and flustered, it’s a sign that you need to pause, take a deep breath, and practice the remaining steps.
- Resist the urge to act in haste. – The greatest harm comes whenever you act out of anger — actions that might include giving up too soon, consuming unhealthy substances, or even attacking someone else. So whenever you notice anger building up inside you, try not to take any form of destructive action. Instead, turn inward and mindfully assess whatever it is that’s arising.
- Sit with your feelings, and give them space. – Turn directly towards the tension you feel, and just be a witness. See it as something that’s passing through you, but is NOT YOU. It’s a feeling, a dark cloud passing across a vast sky, not a permanent fixture. Treat it that way. Instead of obsessing yourself with the dark cloud’s presence, try to broaden your perspective — give it the space it needs to pass. Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly again.
- Be OK with not knowing. – Now that you’ve given yourself some necessary space, tell yourself, “I don’t know why things are this way.” And be OK with this unknowing. Give yourself full permission to not have concrete answers in this moment. What would it be like to allow this moment to unfold without knowing? What is it like to not know what’s going on in the hearts and minds of others? What is it like to not know how to respond to life’s chaos? What is it like to be here right now, without jumping to conclusions?
The bottom line is that when life dishes you a harsh dose of reality, the best first steps involve sitting silently and witnessing the thoughts passing through you. Just witnessing at first, not interfering and not even judging, because by judging too rapidly you have lost the pure witness. The moment you rush to say, “this is absolutely terrible” or “things should be different,” you have already jumped head first into the chaotic tension.
It takes practice to create a gap between the witnessing of thoughts and your response to them. Once the gap is there, however, you are in for a great surprise — it becomes evident that you are not the thoughts themselves, nor the tension and chaos influencing them. You are the witness, a watcher, who’s capable of changing your mind and rising above the turmoil. (Marc and I work through this with our students in the self-paced Getting Back to Happy course and at the annual Think Better, Live Better conference.)
Your turn…
We would love to hear from YOU.
So let us know:
- Which point above resonated the most?
- In what way are YOU holding on to an idea of how life “should” be right now?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
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Maria says
Marc and Angel, this post is spot on for a time when it seems like half the world’s population is at odds with the way things are. In my personal life, I’m getting better with accepting life and making the best of it. Through your teachings and the teachings of other experts, I’ve learned how to better harness my presence. And being present has been the key to much of my recent breakthroughs. It’s seems overly simple when I say it, but practicing presence has been a true challenge, especially when life doesn’t turn out in my favor.
Before I attended one of your live events early this summer, my thoughts and anxiety about life really got in my way of making effective decisions. I was reacting to everything, instead of responding mindfully. I appreciate the guidance you’ve given me and continue to share online via your emails and blog.
Vinny says
This post says just enough without saying too much. I appreciate that.
I’ve been enrolled in your course for the past several weeks, and I’m so glad I’ve committed myself to focusing inward and rising above the negativity that surrounds me on most days. Of course, I still struggle with feeling like life is not fair, but I’m beginning to see how that reality does not have to dominate my ability to be my best. Your instruction has allowed me to set up positive daily rituals that elevate my mindset above much of the unfairness that used to distract me from making progress.
Anyhow, as I continue to push forward, I will use this post and its mantras as a reference.
Shonda says
I’ve been struggling with “first thought wrong” and reacting harshly towards others, based off that initial thought. Thank you for this post. Your gift of putting suggestions into simple steps is truly amazing and beneficial to me!
Betsy J says
Life as unfolding…I picture myself with the choice of tightly holding on to the napkin wrapped silverware, keeping it tightly and securely wound as I cling to it gripped in my hands held close to me. Or of placing the same tightly wrapped napkin down on the table and gently and calmly unfolding each side of the napkin and finding the sparkling silverware, the useful tools to be used for eating a delicious meal. The choice is mine. To either fear letting go, to resist ongoing change that brings newness and awareness and opening up – or to cling to a past which is gone and no longer exist, to try to hold on to the impossible, causing myself pain. The choice is mine, I choose to let go, unfold and receive, be nourished, to live in the present. Life unfolds daily, to be lived as each moment unfolds.
Patty Hefferan says
This advice is solid and very much in line with AlaNon.
Angel, I truly appreciate what you and Marc share here.
Carol says
This post is exactly what I needed in exactly the right moment. Thank you for your continuing wisdom (and for sharing it with the rest of us). For me, the best part of this, is the thought that the tough times are passing moments, “dark clouds against a vast sky”.
Bernadette says
This post brought tears to my eyes, it is as if it was specifically packaged for me. I am one person who holds on tight to negative thoughts and refuses to let go. I am going to try and loosen up a little. Thanks for this message. I needed it. God bless.
Michael Angelo Evans says
Dear Marc and Angel my name is Michael and I’ve been struggling with not letting go of a 7 year relationship although the other party has. My compulsiveness won’t allow me to let go because i can be strong sometimes and not call her but when I think about how we used to be I give in and end up contacting her. I feel that I need to be stronger and find some closure to this chapter in my life. Thank you for the inspirational quotes and emails. They are gradually helping me find my way forward.
Shawna Jeffers says
I have not noticed emails from you guys lately, I really have not been paying attention, today I opened my box and this caught my attention right away. I am stunned at how perfectly fitting this is to my life right now at this exact moment!!! I was with someone for 5 years, it was a destructive relationship on both sides but I’m not sure if the mental abuse just has me thinking it’s my fault? But I know better, I just can’t seem to let go and see what it was, Dwell on things I should have done differently, let go of the guilt I feel. This email has just given me the tools to start my new path, but I am so scared of being alone.. and I am not young I’m 42, This is not a person I have kids with or was married to, I let go of my ex husband and divorced him with no problems. I just can not understand what is happening to me. Thank you guys for giving me a step in the right direction.
Naveen Bommakanti says
As Always you put everything in order Angel 🙂
Loved your thoughtful messages.
The best part of this article is
Some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.
Thank you everything.
The love. hope and faith
Stay safe dear
Pearl says
Dear Marc and Angel,
I have been a reader of your blog since I was single. Now I have a family of my own.
Whenever I am full of so much emotions I can’t contain, it is your blog I seek for some thoughts I need to “hear”. And it would always give me a fresh perspective I thought I’d never need.
Thank you for this.
Tawanda chando says
This came at the right time for me. I need this kind of reminder. Thanks.
Richard says
Hi Marc And Angel
Point 6 and point 10 really hit me! I am a hiker, walking was my first go-to after coming out of a heart wrenching break-up. Now, years later, I hike and make my own paths in the wilderness without fear. You have given me the starting tools to use this analogy in my struggle with emotions and feelings of anxiety after yet another break up and pain of loss. Thank you!
Tracy C. says
I love love the motivational quotes! I have been particularly hard on myself this past week, disappointed that I may have to give up a personal goal that I have invested time and money. Outwardly, I have been short-tempered with my family and I physically look drained. Quotes one and two resonated for me instantly. I spent some time today reflecting on my actions that have contributed to my concerns. I could have done better, by putting in more effort. But what is done is done, that was the learning phase. Now, I know what I need to do to accomplish those goals. Thank you for reminding me that time is precious and life is a one-way trip.