You will never find your worth in another human being — you find it in yourself, and then you will attract those who are worthy of your energy.
Sometimes we try to show the world we are flawless in hopes that we will be liked and accepted by everyone, but we can’t please everyone and we shouldn’t try. The beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our complex emotions, and our authentic imperfections. When we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic, instead of who we think others want us to be, we open ourselves up to real relationships, real happiness, and real success.
There is no need to put on an act every day. There is no need to pretend to be someone you’re not. You have nothing to continuously prove, because…
1. It’s important to honor your feelings and boundaries.
When you run into someone who discredits you, disrespects you, or treats you poorly for no apparent reason at all, don’t consume yourself with trying to change them or win their approval. And be sure not to leave any space in your heart to hate them. Simply give yourself some healthy space and let karma deal with the things they say and do, because any bit of time you spend on these people will be wasted, and any bit of hate and aggravation in your heart will only hurt you in the end.
Truth be told, some people will always tell you what you did wrong, and then hesitate to compliment you for what you did right. Don’t be one of them, and don’t allow these people to constantly drain your energy or joy. Remember that distancing yourself from people who give you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honor your feelings and boundaries, respectfully.
2. Most people worth impressing just want you to be yourself.
In the long run it’s better to be loathed for who you are than loved for who you are not. In fact, the relationships that often work well in the long run are the ones that make you a better person without changing you into someone other than yourself, and without preventing you from outgrowing the person you used to be. So let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes!
By being true to yourself, you put something breathtaking into the world that was not there before. You are stunning when your passion and strength shines through as you follow your own path — when you aren’t distracted by the opinions of others. You are powerful when you let your mistakes educate you, and your confidence builds from firsthand experiences — when you know you can fall down, pick yourself up, and move forward without asking for anyone else’s permission.
Bottom line: Don’t change just so people will like you; keep learning, growing, and nurturing your best self, and pretty soon the RIGHT people will love the REAL you.
3. YOU are the only person who can change your life.
In every situation you have ever been in, positive or negative, the one common thread is you. It is your responsibility, and yours alone, to recognize that regardless of what has happened up to this point in your life, you are capable of making choices to change your situation, or to change the way you think about it. Don’t let the opinions of others interfere with this prevailing truth.
What you’re capable of achieving is not a function of what other people think is possible for you. What you’re capable of achieving depends primarily on what you choose to do with your time and energy. So stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. Just keep doing your thing. The only people that will fault you for doing so are those who want you to live a lie.
4. Society’s materialistic measurement of worth is worthless.
When you find yourself trapped between what moves you and what society tells you is right for you, always travel the route that makes you feel alive, unless you want everyone to be happy, except you. Seriously, no matter where life takes you, big cities or small towns, you will inevitably come across others who think they know what’s best for you — people who think they’re better than you — people who think happiness, success and beauty mean the same things to everyone.
They’ll try to measure your worth based on what you have, instead of who you are. But you know better than that – material things don’t matter. Don’t just chase the money. Catch up to the ideas and activities that make you come alive. Go for the things of greater value — the things money can’t buy. What matters is having strength of character, an honest heart, and a sense of self-worth. If you’re lucky enough to have any of these things, never sell them. Never sell yourself short! (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love and Simplicity chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
5. Life isn’t actually a rat race.
Everyone wants to get there first and shout, “Look at me! Look at me!” But the truth is, most of your happiness and growth occurs while you’re moving, not while you’re standing at the finish line. So remind yourself as often as necessary that you are not behind. You are where you need to be. Don’t judge or berate yourself for how long your journey is taking. We all need our own time to travel our own distance.
And don’t overwhelm yourself. Remember that you can’t lift a thousand pounds all at once, yet you can easily lift one pound a thousand times. Small, repeated efforts will get you there…
Work hard. Rest well. Learn to disconnect. Engage in self-care. In the marathon of life, the key is learning to be mindful and pace yourself.
6. The path to most great things passes through failure.
You are an ever-changing work in progress. You don’t have to always be right, you just have to not be too worried about being wrong. Screwing up is part of the process. Not getting approval, or not even looking the part sometimes, is the only way forward. If you try too hard to impress everyone with your “perfection,” you will stunt your growth! You will spend all your time faking it and looking a certain way, instead of growing up and living a certain way.
Truly, it’s impossible to live without failing sometimes, unless you live so cautiously that you aren’t really living at all — you’re merely existing. And if you’re too afraid of failing in front of others, you can’t possibly do what needs to be done to be successful in your own eyes. You have to remember that it doesn’t matter how many times you fail or how messy your journey is, so long as you do not stop taking small steps forward. In the end, those who don’t care that failure is inevitable are the ones that make gradual progress. And YOU can be one of them…
Now is the time — it’s your turn!
Yes, it’s your turn to stop waiting for approval, because you don’t need a standing ovation or a bestseller or a promotion or a million bucks. You are enough right now! You have nothing to prove. Care less about who you are to others and more about who you are to yourself. I promise you will have less heartaches and disappointments the minute you stop seeking from others the validation only YOU can give yourself.
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Finally, if you have not done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Photo by: Lali Masriera
Dee says
It’s taken me nearly 60 years to stop trying to prove myself to everyone. I spent many years of my life in unfulfilling situations simply because I wanted to win the approval of of the wrong people.
Honestly my most important life lesson I’ve learned is to not care what people think of me as much, and that I cannot please everyone no matter how hard I try. Now I have this mantra: “I am who I am, and if people can’t accept me for who I am, they can keep walking.”
BTW, I bought two of your books today and I can’t wait for them to arrive. I’m giving one of them to my daughter as a gift (she actually introduced me to your Instagram account and work).
Sue Finnerty says
I certainly can relate to this. I reached 70 this year and decided I only needed to give permission to myself for how I lived my life. Anybody else’s opinion didn’t really matter. For many decades I chased after people for their approval or validation and they really didn’t give too hoots. So empowering when you reach this stage of your life. It’s such a great feeling not to worry about what others think and just life your life how you choose.
Lorna says
The fear of making a mistake and “looking bad” in front of others used to cause me to freeze and not do, or start, anything – by not starting, I wouldn’t risk failing.
Re-framing that fear with a new meaning that mistakes were opportunities for learning and growth helped me to see value in the process as well as in myself. And continues to give me the courage to step outside of my comfort zone.
Taya says
Like Scott, I have struggled with my self-image in front of others. It’s been a gradual process of letting go and refocusing my energy inward – something your blog and books have helped me with tremendously. This past year has been one of my strongest yet!
@Dee: You will love their books. Read a page or two of 1,000 Little Things or 1,000 Little Habits every day to remain inspired and focused. I do daily.
Su says
I am working on changing my people-pleasing mindset right now, so thanks for the perfect timing with this post.
I know I do not need to worry about what others think of me. As long as I’m not hurting anyone, I’m allowed to beat to my own drum and do what’s best for ME. Remembering this and acting accordingly, however, is often a challenge for me.
Liz says
For many years now I have used this phrase: “What you think of me is none of my business !!!” It always helps me to remember to stay true to myself .. Thank you for your amazing and inspiring columns and emails .. I have spread the word on how valuable they are ..
Hugs to you both, M&A!
Gwen Spain says
Liz, thanks for the reminder about this great phrase! I haven’t used it in a while but I know that walking my path will bring me more opportunities in2023!
Maria-Isabel says
Thank you Liz for sharing this phase! I tend to focus on the negative instead of letting it go instead of dwelling on it.
Sheila says
I will become less nosey, this is a good one.
Nelima Patricia says
I needed this set of reminders today. And I appreciate the PDF, 30 things to start doing for yourself, too. Thank you for all the insights.
Gina says
Wow – this one was divinely timed for me. I am working on healing my heart and my relationship with myself and the world. The inner narrative that has hurt me the most, likely passed down by a narcissistic parent, is the idea that I need to be approved or confirmed by others before I can believe that I’m good enough. I inwardly panic when people disagree or misunderstand me, especially if they show any kind of contempt or disrespect towards me. It makes me want to hide in shame and seethe in anger, especially in our current ideologically charged times. I am learning how to listen to myself and focus on knowing what makes me feel full and tender inside, and then approving of myself for following my own path. I’m trying to give myself the presence, openness, patience, kindness, encouragement and accolades I’ve sought from people who don’t understand my path and are walking a totally different one. It’s a slow and long process. But I’ll do my best to enjoy the climb. The words in this post, and in the comments above mine, make me feel more seen, and remind me it’s okay if not everyone sees me for who I am. Thank you, M&A 🙂
Maria-Isabel says
Gina…thank you for sharing your story with us. I too had a narcissistic parent, and they were never pleased with anything I accomplished. It has been through M&A posts that I am realizing that I am good enough and do not need anyone’s approval to be myself. I wish you all the best in your journey!
Playwright says
Hey Gina!
I can relate! My passion is writing short stories and plays. In my earlier years, I told my parent about an online course I wanted to take, and I received a lot of negative feedback. The cost(which I paid) is too much, it won’t lead to anything and it’s a waste of time and money. That instance, among others (declined to authorize a 5th grade skip by my 4th grade teacher) has led me to be afraid of what could be, and to throw the towel in before giving anything an authentic try. I know that I am enough, but it is a process.
Lori Lander says
Thank you Marc & Angel for your heartfelt insight. This blog speaks to me deeply and further validates the importance of putting myself first. I loved reading your book Getting Back To Happy and just ordered 1,000+ Little Things and can’t wait to read it!
Thank you for allowing your beautiful bright light to shine!
MaryAnn says
After losing a 10-year job as a designer at and toy company rather unexpectedly and for no good reason, I’ve struggled to find regular work as a designer/Art Director/Stylist for the last 8 yrs. I was let go at 49 years old and in the design industry, you’re basically ancient at that age.
I see friends who have excelled in my field who are near my age and wonder why I keep struggling. And recently, though I was the top 3 candidates for an in-house job at a non-profit, I didn’t get the job. I so wanted it. It checked off so many of the things I wanted including giving back to the community and being hybrid (only working 2 days a week in the office) and with a great salary. Since then, though I try not to do this, I have been kicking myself for how I answered some of the questions and blaming myself for not getting the dream job. I have a job currently but it’s not nearly the salary I need or want to make. But I’m still working on finding better work and will NOT give up.
On the other topic of pleasing people or putting with people you’ll never please, that 10-year job offered about 7 years of bullying from people who I had once considered friends. There was no amount of my efforts of being kind or even tolerant that was going to change their behavior or the mental and verbal abuse I received from them. And the biggest abuser who once seemed like she would have been a long-time friend turned into a frienemy and then became my boss. Trust me when I say it was hell. The only way I mentally survived it is by acknowledging that I couldn’t change other people’s behavior, only my reaction to it. And though in many ways I was shut down mentally, it helped me survive a very trying time. It also taught me a LOT of lessons. I’ll never let that happen again and I’m grateful that I’m stronger on the other side. The very people that abused me the most now know that I’m happier and stronger now and I know it kills them to see it in me. I promised myself I’d never ever deal with that in a job again or if I did, I nip it in the bud asap.
This is such a great article though and a great reminder of how to be your true self, with all your flaws and all your glory. I’ll never ever dull my sparkle for someone to feel more comfortable around me. However, I will tell them to put on some darn sunglasses!!
Anthony Casci says
Words can’t express the gratitude I have for your words of wisdom. I’ve been gradually working through probably the toughest years of my life and every time I need a little guidance I get the perfect little nugget of wisdom in my inbox. I wish I could do more to say thanks but I’m not the writer.. you are. Thank you!!
Helen M Rachel says
I always love all your help. I have been hurt by people so many times in my life. Now I live my truth, and if someone doesn’t like it they can leave.
Lois Fritzemeyer says
It struck me when you said…in each situation, positive or negative, the common thread is me. It validated me to go whoa, that’s true! So make my own choices and be brave.
I really appreciate both your insights and compassion to help people. You’re fun and thank you!
Janice L Pell says
I am on a journey in my 73rd chapter of my life. Am planning a long 500 mile road trip on Oregon coast to housesit for 3 weeks. Then drive home, taking the coast route to enjoy the beauty there of. Looking forward to the adventure and praying my car doesn’t give out. Worried-at the same time as I feel alive with excitement. Leaving at home is a sad situation of 2 grown sons and separated from husband of almost 40 yrs. Not on very good terms with and getting away is self care, as mentioned in article above. Gives me encouragement to stay on my path…
carl joseph grana says
I an Octagenerian who has been reading your articles for some time now. Now, I am at the point where I don’t care what people think of me, only the newest lady I met after being widowed after 28years of marriage. She was my first date in that time and happily my only date. We both think the same way and just get each other, without putting on airs or pretense. Thank you for the outstanding articles.
Dora says
I grew up being belittled, ignored, and sometimes bullied by my family. I was so used to being disrespected and put down by others that it seemed normal to me. It was only when someone called this to my attention that I realized how badly I allowed myself to be treated. I have over a very long period of time since then to value and stand up for myself.
Joyce says
Never let other people cause you to forget who you are. Some people try to raise themselves up by bringing other people down.
Only God can judge you.
Wes says
Wife of thirty years left me last month via text message. Looking back, I never felt good enough for her. Never felt I did anything right. Never made enough money. (Retired military).
Heck I didn’t fold a towel right! I have to learn to stop trying to provide for and please everyone. Not sure how to do something just for me but I have to try.
Henly Dopo says
This essay truly wakes me up to prioritize myself as a living individual that has the power within than can be utilized for greater positive impact. I believe in myself that I can become a source to transmitting positivity in the society I live.
All I will now do is to believe in myself, prioritize the things that I feel good about, eat, sleep, walk, and do little things in life that makes me fell well and good.
Don’t want to live a pretend life anymore.
Thank you for sharing this powerful message. I really appreciate it.
Lou says
MORE GREAT WISDOM. I HAVE FAILED A LOT AND MADE MANY MISTAKES TRYING TO BE LIKED BY EVERYONE.