You can’t calm the storm. What you can do is calm yourself, and the storm will gradually pass.
Over the past decade, there’s a way of being I’ve gradually been cultivating in myself — I’ve been taming my tendency to get riled up and argue with people when their behavior doesn’t match my expectations.
As human beings we all have an idea in our heads about how things are supposed to be, and sadly this is what often messes us up the most. We get frustrated when things don’t play out the way we expect them to, and when people don’t behave like they’re “supposed” to. We expect our family to act a certain way, our friends to always be kind, and strangers to be less difficult.
And when reality hits us, and everyone seems to be doing the opposite of what we expect them to do, we get triggered — anger, frustration, stress, arguments, tears, etc.
If you can relate in any way at all right now, it’s to to remind yourself of the truth: You can’t control how other people behave. You can’t control everything that happens to you. What you can control is how you respond to it all. In your response is your power…
When you feel like your lid is about to blow, take a long deep breath. Deep breathing releases tension, calms down our fight or flight reactions, and allows us to quiet our anxious nerves so we choose more constructive responses, no matter the situation. So, for example, do your best to inhale and exhale next time another driver cuts you off in traffic. In a recent poll we hosted with couple hundred new course students, overreacting while fighting traffic was the most commonly cited reason for overreacting on an average day. Just imagine if all the drivers on the road took deep breaths before making nasty hand gestures, or screaming obscenities.
Of course, there’s no doubt that it can drive us crazy when we don’t get what we expect from people, especially when they’re being rude and difficult. But trying to change the unchangeable — wanting others to be exactly the way we want them to be — just doesn’t work. So we’ve got to make some changes and lead by example.
Here’s the way of being that I’ve been cultivating and advocating:
- To breathe deeply, and often.
- To remind myself that I can’t control other people.
- To remind myself that other people can handle their lives however they choose.
- To not take their behavior personally.
- To see the good in them.
- To let go of the ideals and expectations I have about others that causes unnecessary frustration.
- To remember that when others are being difficult, they are often going through a difficult time I know nothing about. And to give them empathy and space.
“Being” this way takes practice, but it’s worth it. It makes me less frustrated, it helps me to be more mindful, it improves my relationships, it lowers my stress, and it allows me to make the world a slightly more peaceful place. I hope you will join me…
Mindful Ways to Remain Calm
If you’re ready to feel more peace and less inner angst, here are some ways I’ve learned to remain calm and centered, even when those around me can’t seem to contain themselves. These principles reinforce the quick bullet points above, and when you consistently practice them, the world within you and around you becomes a lot easier to cope with.
Let’s practice, together…
1. Get comfortable with pausing.
Don’t imagine the worst when you encounter a little drama. When someone is acting irrationally, don’t join them by rushing to make a negative judgment call. Instead, pause and take a deep breath.
Inhale. Exhale. A moment of calmness in a moment of tension can save you from a hundred moments of regret. Truth be told, you are often most powerful and influential in an argument when you are most calm. Others never expect calmness. They expect yelling, drama, defensiveness, offensiveness, and lots of back and forth. They expect to leap into the ring and fight. They are ready to defend themselves with sly remarks cocked and loaded. But your calm pause? That can really disarm them, and put you back in control.
2. Think bigger.
Imagine a two-year-old who doesn’t get what she wants at the moment. She throws a temper tantrum! This small momentary problem is enormous in her little mind because she lacks perspective on the situation. But as adults, we know better. We realize that there are dozens of other things this two-year-old could do to be happier. Sure, that’s easy for us to say — we have a bigger perspective, right? But when someone offends us, we suddenly have a little perspective again — this small momentary offense seems enormous and it makes us want to scream! We throw the equivalent of a two-year-old’s temper tantrum.
Of course if we think bigger we can see that this small thing matters very little in the grand scheme of things. It’s not worth our energy. Thus, always remind yourself to be bigger, think bigger, and broaden your perspective.
3. Respect people’s differences.
Being kind to someone you dislike or disagree with doesn’t mean you’re fake. It means you’re mature enough to control your emotions and do the right thing. Period.
And it’s absolutely possible to connect with, and even appreciate the company of someone you don’t completely agree with. When you make a commitment to remain neutral on matters that don’t matter that much, and speak respectfully about your disagreements that do matter, both parties can remain calmer and move forward with grace. It’s a long process sometimes, but it’s worth it.
So just keep reminding yourself that what goes around comes around. No one has ever made themselves strong by showing how small someone else is. Just because someone does it differently doesn’t make it wrong. There are many roads to what’s right in this world.
4. Find compassion and put yourself in their shoes.
In the busyness of today’s world people tend to be worried, fearful, hurting and distracted about everything. The word compassion means “to suffer with.” When you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes, you give them the space to regroup without putting any extra pressure on them.
Truth be told, everyone gets upset and loses their temper sometimes. Remind yourself that we are all more alike than we are different. When you catch yourself passing judgment, add “just like me sometimes” to the end of a sentence. For example:
- That person is grouchy, just like me sometimes.
- He is so darn impatient, just like me sometimes.
- She is being rude, just like me sometimes.
And choose to let others off the hook when you can.
5. Take things less personally.
If you take everything personally, you will be offended for the rest of your life. There’s just no reason for it! Even when it seems personal, rarely do people do things because of you, they do things because of them. You know this is true. You may not be able control all the things people say and do to you, but you can decide not to be endlessly distracted by them. Make that decision for yourself today.
Seriously, there is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you detach from other people’s beliefs and behaviors. The way people treat you is their problem, how you react is yours.
6. Create proactive morning rituals that start your days off right.
Don’t rush into your day by checking your phone or email. Don’t put yourself it a stressful state of mind that’s incapable of dealing effectively with other people’s negativity. Create time and space for morning rituals that get you moving in the right direction.
Here’s part of my morning ritual: I take 15 deep breaths before getting out of bed, I stand up and stretch, and then do 15 minutes of meditation.
I challenge you to try this — it has been life-changing for me — but start small with just three deep breaths and three minutes of meditation a day. Do this for 30 days. After 30 days, if this daily ritual becomes easy, add another two breaths and another two minutes to your ritual. When you begin a day mindfully, you lay the foundation for inner calmness and effectiveness, regardless of what’s going on around you.
7. Cope using healthy choices and alternatives.
When we face stressful situations, we are often encouraged to calm or soothe ourselves with unhealthy choices — drinking alcohol, eating sugary snacks, smoking, etc. It’s easy to respond to stress with unhealthy distractions. So pay more attention to how you cope with stress, and replace bad coping habits with healthy coping habits…
Take a walk in a green space. Make a cup of green tea and sit quietly with your thoughts. Listen to some pleasant music. Write in your journal. Talk it out with a close friend. Healthy coping habits make a difference. (Note: Marc and I discuss this further in the Self-Love chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
8. Remind yourself of what’s right (and create more of it in the world).
At the end of the day, reflect on your small daily wins and all the little things that are going well. Count three small events on your fingers that happened during the day that you’re undoubtedly grateful for. For example:
- My family and I made it home safely from work and school today.
- My spouse and I shared a laugh.
- Our meals filled our stomachs.
And then pay it forward — let your positivity empower you to think kindly of others, speak kindly to others, and do kind things for others. Kindness often brings calmness by allowing us to relish in life’s goodness. Create a few outcomes others might be grateful for at the end of their day.
9. Establish and enforce healthy and reasonable boundaries.
Practice becoming more aware of your feelings and needs. Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs. Gradually build healthy boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you. Of course, this will be hard at first because it may feel a bit selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you can’t help others if you’re incapacitated.
In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries will be one of the most charitable things you can do for yourself and those you care about. These boundaries will foster and preserve the best of you — the calmest and most capable version of you — so you can share the best of yourself with the people who matter most to you.
Now, it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to let calmness can be your superpower. It’s your turn to breathe in serenity, armed with the comforting knowledge that there’s no reason to let someone else’s behavior turn you into someone you aren’t…
But before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Brett says
“A moment of silence in a moment of anger, can save you from a hundred moments of regret.” So much power in so few words. I’m normally so quick to respond, without thought, in these situations, always wanting the last word but with instant regret and sadness following. Not anymore. Your words are inspiring me to be that better person, to show empathy and understanding, to think before I speak…to breathe. Thank you.
MamaBear says
All I can say is this article could not have come up at a better time in my life. A great reminder and list of lessons that need to be remembered and exercised. Thank you for this because at this moment each of these points will make all the difference.
Melissa says
“so you can share the best of yourself with the people who matter most to you.”
…..this right here, very impactful
Thank you for continuing to pour positivity, love and kindness in this world.
Matti says
Thank you for putting this up, I often find myself struggling to cope with anger and I appreciate any advice on the subject.
I am definitely going to be taking deep breaths before I get out of bed, starting tomorrow. Great idea!
Gianpaolo G. says
I completely agree with this article. However, it’s easier said than done, that’s for sure. There’s one thing I would add to this list: During an argument (which is inevitable at some point, no matter how calm we are), listen to the other person so you can understand them, not that so you can respond. This one is by far the toughest one to implement. Most people like winning an argument and proving their point rather than truly trying to understand the other person.
Leo Frey says
Well said. Listening is a lost art.
Joyce DeWitt says
When we experienced the death of our 27 year old son, from then on I saw common irritations & every day problems as irrelevant. I sort of began thinking that nothing would really bother me unless it involved harm to one of my beloveds. I would even say, “if it doesn’t involve a lot of blood, death or jail, I’m good.” Somebody cuts in front of me in line? They must need to get there faster. Somebody acts like a jerk on the freeway? Go ahead, be my guest. I’m not interested in getting in a wreck. Grouchy people? Not going to wreck my day. I was teaching then, and even misbehaving, rude high school students couldn’t get me to blow up. I had never been too easy to anger anyway, but it just went to a different level. I just didn’t care much anymore, about things that used to get on my nerves. To be sure, I still feel irritation at some things, & my husband will tell you that I can be snarky right back to him. But feeling mostly peaceful, even in the face of broken dishes, whiny kids, teens who know everything, big messes that someone else makes, friends who bait me on politics, family members who make bad choices & wind up in money trouble or worse, is just a far better place to be. I never was all wound up, but I could get that way. If I start to feel anxious now, mostly over “will I be there in time?” (because I hate to keep people waiting) I remind myself that traffic & weather are out of my control. Let it go. Let it go, and let God. I turn it all over to him. And turn to the cranky looking person behind me at the grocery line, and say, “Please, go ahead of me. I have more than you.” That’s so easy to do, and gets smiles instead of frowns.
Carolyn Shustar says
I lost my 33 year old son a couple of months ago, I am still struggling with understanding why but your right when you say nothing else seems to matter anymore but the health and welfare of your family. The little things I used to think are important are not now and I don’t get overly angry at people who get angry with me for some stupid reason, I just don’t care and I can smile at them and say sorry. I too was never a person who got angry easily anway but this trial in my life has really tested that as well as my faith because I have been very angry with God but I am trying to go back to God to help me through this and have a better understanding of what has happened and stronger faith in the future.
Thank You for Sharing.
Tina says
I might have to print this one out and hang it on my bathroom mirror! Great read, Angel!! <3
Jessica Dee says
Your articles and emails continue to arrive in my inbox when I need them the most.
Getting angry and frustrated about things is just a distraction from what matters most in life. It’s a distraction from making the best of all the blessings we hav. I’ve learned this the hard way. And your thoughts on issues like, Angel (and Marc too), are continuing to make a difference in my day to day life.
After a big financial hit our family took, and a related period of prolonged angry arguments with my husband about our loss and our new financial reality, I found your getting back to happy course. And it absolutely did not happen overnight, but I’ve let go of lots of unnecessary anger and drama in my consciousness over the past year… and my husband and I are loving each other, respectfully, again.
It’s sad how anger, frustrations and overreactions combined with poor communication can literally turn us into monsters we aren’t. And it’s madness when I think about how many of us let it happen. Again, I learned the hard way that relationships can give you the most incredible and wonderful highs at times … and then there will be deep dives of anger and frustration that will take all you have just to hold on to your sanity. But the dives don’t have to be nearly that deep when we learn to grab ahold of our emotions and communicate consciously.
Thank you for the continuous support and guidance.
Parker says
M&A,
I can definitely relate to this one! On a several occasions in recent times, when I didn’t want to stay calm and at peace with someone being rude and obnoxious, I remained calm and at peace anyway. There are some wonderful strategies to take heed to in this article … and to actually know that you can avoid larger problems by choosing step away from other people’s drama, instead of stepping into it.
Your book and blog continue to move my mindset forward! 🙂
Edwin says
Thank you for the positive energy you generate in the world we live in today.
Enjoying reading your comments:
“ … The way people treat you is their problem, how you react is yours. … “
Chemistry is about substance and reactions.
Know who you are, a child of the life giving god and be mindful that He is greater than any problem that is created, so you can learn to trust and have confidence in him as he teaches you how to drink from the living water he provides, love, joy, family, faith, that reveals how great he is and how like the sun that we take for granted every day, he is always right there waiting to water and nurture the positive seeds we plant in the garden of our hearts.
Edwin
A 911 survivor who learned calling 911 spiritually has turned a life of destruction into a life of True Joy and Peace
A better home was provided, a better job was provided, and a better marriage replacement of all that was lost in a greater measure, just as in the book of Job.
It all starts with an attitude of gratitude for what you do have, not focusing on what you lost, but focusing on the blessings you receive daily starting with the gift of life and what you decide to do with your gifts provided by a Father’s Love and blessings we can’t begin to truly appreciate the depth and wealth of, beginning with His Love and Wisdom for a greater life with and in his care.
*
“… you can avoid larger problems by choosing step away from other people’s drama, instead of stepping into it. …”
heather says
Thanks for this email/blog post! It is so timely for me today.
This morning, at a senior card playing group, a 75-year-old woman, for no apparent reason said to me, “You’re terrible. No one wants you here slowing the rest of us down.” I was in the middle of play.
I am now 70. I remained silent and composed, and I amazed myself with that. The others at the table said ”that’s not true!”
My point is that just a short couple years ago, I would have been angry and irritated by this woman’s rude remarks. I have a temper, but was happy I didn’t respond to such a childish attack on me.
I’ve been reading and working through your teachings for the past couple years and I’m gradually getting better at keeping my cool when something like this happens. And it’s made me feel so much better.
Cheryl Liane Stephenson says
I disarm with calmness a lot at work and if I still can’t think of an appropriate response that I mean and would be proud of, I ask the person if I can think over what they have expressed and get back to them. More times than not they immediately apologize for the WAY it was said even if the message is still valid.
grace says
Not taking things personally has been HUGE for me. I realized 99% of the time I get angry is cause I feel slighted like how could they do that to me or how can they not listen to me? When I stopped taking things personally I learn its actually hard to get mad at anyone anymore! I just shrug and figure they have their own stuff to work out.
Nora Kelly Quinn says
Totally agree to taking moments on awaking in the morning.
Thank you
Lin says
# 4 stuck with me because that is a hard one and I am going to try to look differently at the grouchy person or the rude clerk or the person cutting me off in traffic or pushing hard to get ahead of me somewhere. Thank you. I feel I will remember those words of yours next time those things happen
Diana Wells says
I had several thoughts while reading this article. My number one regard to angry people is THEY have huge problems and it isn’t about ME, so my response is usually NO comment! Then I quietly pray for them, give it to God so I can free myself of reacting. Truthfully I have taught myself the method because I learned angry people dump without caring about the consequences of their behavior. Any reaction validates them even remaining quiet, they steal peace because they are miserable. Honestly just navigating my own life and family is HUGE and again I practice praying for others; the good the bad and the ugly, to keep my own peace. I’m writing because if I can offer any advice to anyone on this subject it is simple, PRAYER. “Walk with me in your goodness Lord extend to me your favor in Jesus name Amen”. My prayer has never failed me or ones who need my prayer. May God bless us all.
Ananth Raman Samudrala says
“To breathe deeply, and often.
To remind myself that I can’t control other people.
To remind myself that other people can handle their lives however they choose.
To not take their behavior personally.
To see the good in them.
To let go of the ideals and expectations I have about others that causes unnecessary frustration.
To remember that when others are being difficult, they are often going through a difficult time I know nothing about. And to give them empathy and space”.
Genuine, original, pragmatic and sensible ideas and solutions that can
be easily imbibed and that can be reflected in our life wholesomely.
Mazalina Matatova says
I appreciate you.
Carmen Mota says
Appreciate the refreshing perspective & educational points.
I find #6 to be extremely helpful in starting off my day in the right direction.
First of all, like a moment of silence to give thanks and grateful to our Lord for new day, new mercies and his saving grace (supercharges the day). Continued to reading a few scriptures and apply it to my current situation.
Lastly, taking time to journal out or map out my day…this way I am mindful of the top priorities that require my immediate attention…family, doctors appts due physical disabilities, prayer throughout the day, business matters, etc.
Thank you all you do.
Anne says
This article was exactly what I needed at this time in my life.
It all resonated with me, but particularly the section on boundaries. That is something I struggle with daily.
Thank you for the insight and the tools to increase our strength.
Lou says
Very good read. I use to always get upset and angry but learned I was harming myself more than anything else. Thanks for the reminder.
Fouzia Aslam says
The most needed advice. Thanks for such an awesome article. I love every word of it. Very helpful
alaaana says
you always arrive when i need to hear positive….then i feel positive and fall forward by acting positive … thanks so much!
“A moment of silence in a moment of anger, can save you from a hundred moments of regret.”
i am sharing… cause once it’s done or out there, you can’t retrieve it … pause …
Henly Dopo says
I have failed just again. Went through a lot of stress in my last few days. But I have decided that this will not hold back and keep me in a stressful state to keep worrying and thinking about it over and over. I have again let it go. Managed to find my peace, and continue the fight I have started in building myself up.
Find peace in the moment of stressful situation is what I choose today. I have my ambitions and targets to meet. And I am fighting on.
Thank you for sharing this.