Oftentimes you don’t even realize you’re blocking your own present blessings by holding on to everything so tightly.
Closing the door, completing the chapter, turning the page, etc. It doesn’t matter what you title it; what matters is that you find the strength to leave behind those former parts of your life that are over, and those lavish ideals in your mind that simply aren’t meant to be.
Throughout the past decade, as Angel and I have gradually worked with hundreds of our course students, coaching clients, and live event attendees, we’ve come to understand that the root cause of most human stress is our stubborn propensity to hold on to things long after it’s time to let go. In a nutshell, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then we complicate our lives to no end when they don’t.
So let’s take a look at some super-common things we often regret holding on to until the bitter end…
1. The way things “should be.”
Try to use frustration and inconvenience to motivate you rather than annoy you. You are in control of the way you look at life. Instead of getting angry, find the lesson. In place of envy, feel admiration. In place of worry, take action. In place of doubt, have faith. Remember that your response is always more powerful than your present circumstance. A small part of your life is decided by completely uncontrollable circumstances, while the vast majority of your life is decided by your responses. Where you ultimately end up is heavily dependent on how you play the hands you’ve been dealt.
2. The way things used to be.
You’re not the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a week ago. You’re always learning and growing, and life is always evolving. Even though you can’t control everything that happens, again, you can control your attitude about what happens. And in doing so, you will gradually master change rather than allowing it to master you. So be humble today. Be teachable. The world is bigger than your view of the world. There’s always room for a fresh idea or a next step. But first you must accept the fact that things may never go back to how they used to be, and that this ending is really a new beginning.
3. Old mistakes and errors in judgment.
Forgive yourself for the bad decisions you’ve made in the past, for the times you lacked understanding, for the choices that accidentally hurt others and yourself. Forgive yourself, for being young and reckless. These are all vital lessons. And what matters most right now is your willingness to grow from them.
4. That deep desire to change the unchangeable.
Be selective with your energy today. If you can fix a problem, fix it. If you can’t, then accept it and change your thoughts about it. Whatever you do, don’t attempt to invest more energy than you have, tripping over something behind you or something that only exists inside your head. Truth be told, some of the most powerful moments in life happen when you find the courage to let go of what can’t be changed. Because when you are no longer able to change a situation, you are challenged to change yourself — to grow beyond the unchangeable. And that changes everything.
5. The fantasy of a perfect path (or time to begin).
Too often we waste our time waiting for a path to appear, but it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. And we forget that there’s absolutely nothing about our present circumstances that prevents us from making progress again, one tiny step at a time.
6. The need for constant comfort and ease.
Everything gets a bit hard and uncomfortable when it’s time for a change. That’s just a part of the growth process. Things will get better, step by step. And keep in mind that your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more educated, and more experienced. So when the going gets tough, be patient and keep going. Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. Every great success requires some kind of worthy struggle to get there.
7. Relationships that always make you feel less like yourself.
Let others take you as you are, or not at all. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes. By being yourself, you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before. And remember that in the long run it’s wiser to lose someone over being who you are, than it is to keep them by being someone you’re not. Because it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be. (Note: Angel and I discuss strategies for living true to these words in the Relationships chapters of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
8. Those old chapters that need to be closed once and for all.
You’re going to mingle with a lot of people in your lifetime. You’re going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think “Oh my gosh, I love him,” but really…you loved the kiss. You’re going to meet a friend you think you will know forever, but then something will change and you two will go your separate ways. You’re going to explore different parts of your life with different people who aren’t in it for the long haul, and that isn’t a bad thing. Life is a series of stories, and the way our stories intersect is remarkable. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a short chapter or two. It takes a wise person to know when that chapter is over, and then to turn the page.
An exercise for letting go, and breathing…
In each of the aforementioned points above, the mind holds on tight to something — an ideal — that isn’t real. And after awhile the inevitable happens — unnecessary stress ensues.
So how can we stop holding on so tight?
There are many ways, but right now let’s begin by letting everything breathe…
As you read these words, you are breathing. Stop for a moment and notice this breath. You can control this breath, and make it faster or slower, or make it behave as you like. Or you can simply let yourself inhale and exhale naturally. There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine letting other parts of your body breathe, like your tense shoulders. Just let them be, without having to tense them or control them.
Now look around the room you’re in and notice the objects around you. Pick one, and let it breathe. There are likely people in the room with you too, or in the same house or building, or in nearby houses or buildings. Visualize them in your mind, and let them breathe.
When you let everything and everyone breathe, you just let them be, exactly as they are. You don’t need to control them, worry about them, or change them. You just let them breathe, in peace, and you accept them as they are… so you can be on your way. This is the foundation of what letting go is all about. It can be a life-changing practice.
Now it’s your turn!
Yes, it’s your turn to let go and let things breathe, so you can open yourself up to the next real and present chapter of your life. But before you go, please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
N says
Oh Marc & Angel, just how awesome you guys are!!
This is such a wonderful post, something I am trying to do right now. Recently I have been so busy that I have forgotten to simply let go and let some things breathe. Gratitude.
Cynthia Kowalski says
Everything you said today was an eye opener for me today. I needed to hear the words you wrote. Thank you so very much. Cynthia K.
Gabrielle Hofmann says
Thanks
I will remember this advice. Super
Dorothy says
Number 7 really is very helpful for me as I have lived most of my life trying to please others in order to maintain relationships. I find your articles very informative and useful. Today I am breathing and letting go.
Nancy says
I need to let go…to take time to love my husband and not take him for granted in his 70th year. I need to take time and let loose and have more fun.
Sreelekshmi says
Enlightening!!!
I am grateful that I read this today. Thanks for a very insightful and concise article.
J.J. says
I need to start taking more time to simply be and breathe. To honor the divinity within. To remember that we are all interconnected. We are ONE. We are LOVE. And I need to start treating others the way you would like to be treated, every day, no matter my mood. Without all the attachments and expectationns.
Excellent reminders. As usual, you have reset me on the right path. And I know it’s just in time. My thoughts about this post, and my path forward, remind me of a quote from your 1000 little things book that I read last week and wrote down:
“Remember today, for it is the beginning. Today marks the start of a brave new future.”
Susan Bien says
Love this n so perfect for me! Today is a new day make it a good read!
Ruth H says
You have such insight! It’s truly a gift, and we’re all truly blessed that you’re sharing your gift. Almost every single article and email comes at the right time just when I need it. This one was especially helpful in giving me perspective. Thank you!
Sam says
Truly inspirational Marc (and Angel). It’s always a pleasure to read your essays and emails, you have such an insight on life and an impressive way with words. I’ve been holding on to too much lately and need to let a few things breathe.
Many thanks
Sam
Jo says
“…it’s easier to fill an empty space in your life where someone else used to be, than it is to fill the empty space inside yourself where YOU used to be.” I needed to hear this today.
Arun Dongrey says
M & A
There is peace in just letting your lungs breathe, without having to control the situation or do anything about it.
How right you are…
SUNNY MILLS says
You give us a wonderful gift by reminding us of things that we might already know, but need to keep top of mind! Thank you! The point on breathing at the end really struck a chord with me.
Jane says
Everything you write is eloquent and lovely. I am so appreciative of your emails. They touch me, every single one. Thank you you for sharing your gift.
SK says
I find frustration building up in one disappointment after another. Letting go each time, and realizing not to chase those things and turn the page, has left me exhausted, not hoping for anything, in spite of hard, hard work. Breathing keeps you in the moment, which is good, and where joy can live. But long term goals are built in small successes in those moments. As a result, I find myself living in resignation. Because I am out of gas for work, I want to leave, and can’t be home where my heart is. I am breathing. Just to get through.
Christina says
Amazing – so insightful and yet simple to practice! Why then don’t we remember to do it on a daily basis – I will do better.
Thank you also for the reminder that we do bring in peace by simply letting go and so helpful to remember after losing my darling husband a little over a year ago. This new life’s chapter is to let go and enjoy while being grateful for the love and life that God gives me.
Thank you again and Happy Easter.
Monique says
Just today I had an unsatisfactory conversation with an old friend I feel sad about because our lives are so different than when we met. I try to understand her better so we can find new ways to relate. The tug between trying to grow into a new level of relating thru heartfelt empathy and letting go is fierce! I am 81 and have lost so many others to death that I fear another great loss.
Diana Everett says
Monique, I am age 74 and can relate to your multiple losses and disillusionment with a current friendship. Lifelong friendships can change as we age and become unhealthy. We remain in the friendship out of loyalty and due to so many other losses in life.
I just disconnected from two acquaintances who were causing negativity and stress and was not very graceful (to say the least) about ending one of the connections, as the person was attempting to emotionally blackmail me.
I moved out of state 17 years ago and kept in contact with old friends at former location until after a near-death hospitalization at which point became aware of some codependent behavior and did some serious friendship weeding.
Hopefully you can gradually and undramatically decrease contact with your former close friend and try to make more compatible associations going forward.
One does not always need to have a “best friend” but can associate with those who have similar values and are inclusive. This type of low-level social engagement is superior for mental health to a close but one-sided or negative, unsupportive, or incompatible friendship.
Aging is challenging enough without unnecessary negativity.
Felix Ayodele Sha'adu says
Letting go is instructive in many respects. I think all the points highlighted makes great sense. Thanks Marc & Angel.
Pamela says
ALL 8 perfect for this 68 yr old who has 3 grown children that need to be left behind. Thanks for the reminder! Grand children never visit & will never know me, now. Beyond disappointing! Keep up the great work!
Lou says
You are awesome! Great reminder. It took me many moons to learn the only person I can change is me.
Nelda says
My life is very stressful lately on so many levels.. trying to find physical
and spiritual strength and inner peace is exhausting . You have no idea how much it is changing the way I feel when I read ÿour articles. BLESSINGS TO YOU BOTH 🙂 THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE FOR ME, YOU’RE CHANGING MY LIFE.
Sonia says
All 8. Every day shapes us. We like what keeps us level.
Maryann says
“When I’m no longer able to change a situation, I am challenged to change myself-to grow beyond the unchangeable”. A powerful reminder to continue moving forward despite the fact that my only child has died. My life will never be the same but I must take this pain and let it transform me… I no longer have him in my life, and that is unchangeable. I now must grow beyond the unchangeable. It’s a bittersweet pill I need to swallow.
mick jensen says
For me, an important point here is : “your effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. For it always makes you stronger, more educated, and more experienced”.
I’m trying to break more into freelance writing, and it’s tough. I know it’s a competitive world out there, and plenty of people have been doing it longer than me. The reality is that every time I write, I’m learning, growing and able to take the knockbacks less personally.