“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”
— Bruce Lee
The biggest disappointments in our lives are often the result of misplaced expectations. This is especially true when it comes to our relationships and interactions with others. So don’t lower your standards, but do remember that removing your expectations of others is the best way to avoid being regretfully disappointed by them.
Which means it’s time to…
1. Stop expecting them to agree with you.
You deserve to be happy in your own way. You deserve to live a life you are in flow with. Don’t let the opinions of others make you forget that. You are not in this world to live up to the expectations of others, nor should you feel that others are here to live up to yours. In fact, the more you approve of your own decisions in life, the less constant approval you need from everyone else.
You have to dare to be yourself and follow your own intuition, however frightening or strange that may feel or prove to be. Don’t compare yourself to others. Don’t get discouraged by their progress or success. Follow your own path and stay true to your own purpose. Success is ultimately about spending your life happily and productively in your own way.
2. Stop expecting them to respect you more than you respect yourself.
True strength is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles. It’s about having faith and trust in who you are, and a willingness to act upon it consistently. Decide this minute to never again beg anyone for the love, respect, and attention that you should be showing yourself on a daily basis.
Today, look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I respect you, and from now on I’m going to act like it.” It’s important to be nice to others, but it’s even more important to be nice to yourself. When you practice self-respect, you give yourself the opportunity to grow. When you are growing, you become a better friend, a better family member, and a better YOU. (Note: Marc and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
3. Stop expecting (and needing) them to like you.
You might feel unwanted and unworthy to one person, but you are priceless to another. So never forget your worth. No matter how good you are to people, there will always be one negative person who criticizes you. Smile, ignore their rudeness, and carry on. Spend time with those who value you instead.
In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, the toughest battle you’ll have to fight on the average day is the battle to be yourself. And as you’re fighting back, not everyone will like you. Sometimes people will call you names because you’re “different,” but that’s perfectly OK. The things that make you different are the things that make YOU, and the right people will love you for it in the long run.
4. Stop expecting them to fit your idea of who they are.
Loving and respecting others means allowing them to be themselves. And when you stop expecting people to be a certain way, you can begin to appreciate them for who they truly are. So pay close attention, and respect people for their uniqueness and not for who you want them to be.
Truth be told, we don’t know most people half as well as we believe we do, and truly knowing someone is a big part of what makes them wonderful. Every human being is remarkable and beautiful in some way; it just takes a patient set of eyes to see it. The more you get to know someone, the more you will be able to look beyond their appearance and see the beauty of who they truly are. (Read The Mastery of Love.)
5. Stop expecting them to know what you’re thinking.
People can’t read minds. They will never know how you feel unless you tell them. Your boss? Yeah, he doesn’t know you’re hoping for a promotion because you haven’t told him yet. That cute guy you haven’t talked to because you’re shy? Yeah, you guessed it, he hasn’t given you the time of day simply because you haven’t given him the time of day either.
In life, you have to communicate with others regularly and effectively. And oftentimes you have to open your vocal cords and speak the first words. You have to tell people what you’re thinking if you want a meaningful engagement.
6. Stop expecting them to be perfectly “OK.”
Everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle, just like you. Every smile or sign of strength hides an inner struggle every bit as complex and extraordinary as your own. So be a part of someone’s growth without having that “you owe me” attitude. What goes around comes around. You can always be kinder than necessary.
Also, remember that embracing your light doesn’t mean ignoring your dark. We are often measured by our ability to overcome adversities and insecurities, not avoid them. Thus, leveraging honesty and transparency as it relates to your struggles, to support, share, and make contributions to other people is one of life’s greatest rewards. This happens naturally if we allow it, because we all share very similar doubts, needs, and struggles. And once we accept this, the world then is a place where we can look someone else in the eye and say, “I’m lost and struggling at the moment,” and they can nod back and say, “I know exactly what you mean. Me too. You aren’t alone.”
7. Stop expecting them to suddenly change.
If there’s a specific behavior someone you care about has that you’re hoping disappears over time, it probably won’t. If you really need them to change something, be honest and put all the cards on the table (gracefully) so this person knows how you feel and what you need them to do.
For the most part though, you can’t change people and you shouldn’t try. Either you accept who they are or you choose to give yourself more time away from them. It’s might sound kinda harsh, but it’s not. When you try to change people, they often remain the same, but when you don’t try to change them — when you support them and allow them the freedom to be as they are — they gradually change in the most beautiful way. Because what really changes is the way you see them.
Honor your boundaries as you ease your expectations.
As you’re diligently working on keeping your expectations in check, it’s also important to maintain healthy and reasonable boundaries. Because inevitably you’re going to run into someone who discredits you, disrespects you, or treats you poorly for no apparent reason at all. The key is to not consume yourself with trying to change them or win their approval (no expectations), and to not leave any space in your heart to hate them. Simply give yourself some healthy space…
Remember that distancing yourself from people who give you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honor your boundaries, respectfully.
Also, practice becoming more aware of your needs, especially as it relates to your expectations. Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs. Gradually build healthy boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you. Of course, this may be hard at first because it may feel a bit selfish. But if you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children. Why? Because you can’t help others if you’re incapacitated.
In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries will be one of the most charitable things you can do for yourself and those you care about. These boundaries will foster and preserve the best of you — the most grounded and capable version of you — so you can share the best of yourself with the people who matter most to you.
Now, it’s your turn…
Yes, it’s your turn to hope for the best, but expect less. And before you go, please leave Marc and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Which one of the points above resonated the most today?
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Vincent says
Wow, all of this are really powerful. Some of them I’m still struggling to remember today while others I barely just got over.
#3 is something I have to remind myself on a daily basis. There are going to be people out there who won’t like you. Don’t let it affect you and don’t allow it bring you down. Enjoy the moment and the people who already love you. You don’t have to win everyone over. And I also appreciate your take on boundaries.
Susan Kyle says
This means a lot to me right now. I am going through a lot in my marriage right now and I needed to read this. Being told I am responsible for all of the issues in my marriage is really taking it’s toll on me and my self esteem. I need to work on me and keep positive and not let someone else’s insecurities take over my life. Maybe walking away is the best answer. Thank you
David says
Great work Susan. Your lines are really thoughtful and has a force of reawakening the realness in one’s life.
Susan says
Your posts always seem to fit what’s going on in my world. Thank you. You have helped me out in some tough times and through some though decisions. The ending part on boundaries was a especially great reminder for me today.
Dev says
So true. We’re not here to live up to each other’s expectations, we’re here to live up to our own expectations.
I struggle with this. I often find myself expecting my loved ones to do what I would do, or react the way I would react, in certain situations… and when they don’t I get frustrated.
Thank you for the reminders. You’re keeping me in check with your weekly emails and essays.
Nicky says
Wow, these points are very powerful, all 7 of them. Every day I basically remind myself of 2 things:
1. Never forget your worth, self-respect, and purpose.
2. Never judge someone unless you’ve walked 1000 miles in their shoes. Always attempt to understand where they are coming from and where they are going.
Christy King says
Stop expecting perfection. Everyone goofs up. Give yourself a break too…. some things I need to remember.
Thanks for the reminders on expectations. Mine surely get the best of me more than I’d like to admit.
Naheed Naim says
Respecting yourself is the most important point in my view. Mostly we forget our self while paying attention to others demands. If you do not give enough importance to yourself then no one else is going to respect or value you enough either. You should honestly be the most valued person in your life.
Anders Hasselstrøm says
Marc and Angel,
Thanks for another great post. Always a pleasure following you.
Over the past few years I have come to realize how much harm expectations can bring into relationships. I’m the kind of person who gives 100% of me to a relationship, which is why I used to expect people to do the same. However, experiencing that people sometimes do not live up to the expectations bring about negative feelings. For that reason I’m careful my boundaries in what I expect from people.
Best,
Anders
Glen says
Expectations are nothing more than premeditated resentments. At least that’s what my 76 years on this plant has taught me.
nazeeda says
Wow! Thank you:) I see myself doing some of these things in my relationship with my husband, even when I don’t mean to. It’s like I am on auto pilot… Thank you for giving me something positive to work on
Amandah says
Excellent point and good reminder that you can’t mold someone to be who you want them to be or think they should be. If you must, walk away from people in your life who aren’t on the same page as you. May be you need a break. Or may be you need to seek out like-minded individuals. It’s not uncommon to grow a part from someone. That’s life.
David R says
These are wonderful reminders. And I would also add that these can be seen in reverse as well.
Stop expecting to agree with everyone else
Stop expecting to respect yourself more than others
Stop expecting to like everything you have to do
Stop expecting more from yourself just because someone else does
Stop trying to be a mind reader
Stop expecting to be “OK” all the time.
Stop expecting to suddenly change yourself…
Dionisio says
Wise thoughts. We all struggle with our expectations of others.
I would add to your thoughts on boundaries: You have control over your feelings, so practice tempering your expectations while distributing your time and attention accordingly to those who deserve the best of you.
Judy malone says
I have been in a funk threw last several week and today I realized that my expectations of people was and is very high and when they fulfill them I get out of control and angry which causes stress and unhappiness . This posting has made me aware I need to change ….
Diane Leonard says
This is a great article and very important to me today as I am reeling from the lack of respect from my sister — in so many ways it is hurtful, and yet, I have to learn to love myself again. I have distanced myself from her for the past few weeks as I heal from a very embarrassing time. I have been i an ACIM group for years where we talk about LOVE and learning to love everyone and look at everyone with loving eyes. Seems so simple.
I paint to bring joy and happiness to this world, so it is so important to me to stay “positive” in all ways.
Thank you for this article
Stan says
Reading this makes me realize I have trouble knowing the difference between when to accept people’s behavior, how to set boundaries, and how not to become a doormat for them. It seems that if I accept them as they are they walk all over me, and if I set boundaries they are ignored so they can walk all over me. What is the key to knowing the correct action to take? I’m starting to become a hermit.
sue says
I live with my son and daughter in law and their 2 children. When her parents come into town which is every 2 or three months, they take the whole family(except me) out to dinner every night and I spend the evening home alone. I guess I was expecting them to act as I would and invite me along but now I know better and wont aggravate myself any more. Just that the first time was my grandsons birthday and thought I was part of the family and the second was my sons plus their anniversary. Guess I didn’t have anything to do with his birth either. My whole family thinks I am being overly sensitive. Do you?
Debra says
I think #7 “Stop expecting them to suddenly change” was a great reminder for me, because too often I feel like I can help someone, only to be reminded that this isn’t what they want or need…and they aren’t going to change. Setting healthy boundaries has been the biggest help for me emotionally and mentally, but it isn’t always easy to do. Your essays always give me something to think about it, and I feel supported by your wise words. Thank you!
Quintunya Chapman-Hamilton says
Another extremely relevant article that hits home just like your other ones. These reminders are crucial for my sanity and I find myself working at my emotional health on the daily. Thank you for this!
Sibanye says
At times we can be easily angered by how other people treat us but from reading this article I realise that self love and being sure of oneself is a powerful weapon. The feeling of unworthiness does not necessarily stem from what other people think of me, but from what I think of myself. Self love allows me to trust in my own abilities and worth.
Carol says
I really appreciated your messaging… however I struggle with many of the points because I find I need concrete examples to understand the many wonderful and important points that are being made. I guess another way to say it is that many of the points are abstract to me. If I can have some typical life examples of situations that the points are addressing, I may be better able to make those connections and begin to incorporate the advice shared.
Thank you for the postings… They are enlightening!
Onshella Vernon says
You certainly drive home the point that we are our best protectors of ourselves. I know that I struggle with allowing myself to love and honor myself first so that I can be whole enough to help fulfill the needs of others. Keep being a mirror for me. I need to see my true reflection.
Phyllis says
Honoring my boundaries is self care. I’ve had to detach from my sister because her resentments and anger affect my serenity. I no longer am willing to listen to her constant, repetitive chatter.
Myra Craig says
“Gradually build healthy boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you.” Oh wow! I feel like an ATM machine with this one friend. She needs to start a gofundme!! .so, yes, I need to set a firm boundary!!
Angelie says
“When you try to change people, they often remain the same, but when you don’t try to change them — when you support them and allow them the freedom to be as they are — they gradually change in the most beautiful way. Because what really changes is the way you see them.”
My fave! A beautiful reminder 🙂
Lou says
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN A PEOPLE PLEASER. THOSE DAYS ARE OVER. THANK YOU.
Sandya R says
What a lovely and valuable read. Please do give an option to share via instagram as well 🙂
Rex Obada says
As always, this article is awesome.
Thank you so much!
Scott Siwicki says
Very relevant and excellent read today. Thank you for these.