“If only…” These two words paired together create one of the saddest phrases in the English language.
In the end, more than anything else, we regret the small chances we didn’t take, the priceless opportunities we were too busy to nurture, and the good decisions we waited too long to make. Angel and I have learned this over the past 15 years from the countless hours we’ve spent coaching hundreds of clients, students, and live event attendees from around the world. The exact same regrets pop up in the personal stories people share with us, time after time.
Here are ten very common and specific life choices that ultimately lead to that “If only…” phrase of regret, and how to elude them on the average day:
1. Letting others tell us what we are worth.
We tend to forget that most people judge us based on experiences from their own life that have absolutely nothing to do with us. For example, a person might assume things about you based on a troubled past experience they had with someone else who looks somewhat like you. Therefore, basing any part of your self-worth on what they think puts you in limbo — you are literally at the mercy of their unreliable, bias perspective. If they see you in the right light and respond to you in a positive and affirming manner, then you feel good about yourself. And if not, you feel like you did something wrong.
The bottom line is that you will never find your worth in another human being or their opinions — you find it in yourself, and then you will attract those who are worthy of your energy. And also keep in mind that NOT overreacting or taking things too personally will keep your mind clear and your heart at peace. Truly, there is great freedom in leaving others to their opinions, and there is a huge weight lifted when you don’t take things personally.
2. Being too busy impressing others and forgetting about our priorities.
Ten years from now it won’t really matter what shoes you wore today, how your hair looked, or what brand of clothes you wore. What will matter is how you lived, how you loved, and what you learned along the way. So forget about impressing people for the sake of it. Be real instead!
If you want to impress someone, impress yourself by making progress on something you’re sincerely proud of. Focus on what matters! It’s quite amazing what you can accomplish in a day when you aren’t incessantly worried about what everyone else in the world is thinking and doing. Just show yourself that you can grow and get better. It’s never about impressing or competing with others. In the end, it’s just you vs. you. (Note: Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Goals and Success chapter of “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently”.)
3. Letting uncertainty stop us.
Trust me now and thank me later, embrace uncertainty! Because some of the most incredible chapters of your life won’t have a title you feel comfortable with until much later. Living is risky business. Every decision, every interaction, every step, every time you get out of bed in the morning, you take a small risk. To truly live is to know you’re getting up and taking that risk, and to trust yourself to take it. If you don’t — if you let uncertainty win — you will never know anything for sure, and in many ways this unknowing will be worse than finding out your hunch was wrong. Because if you were wrong you could make adjustments and carry on with your life without always looking back and wondering what might have been. So keep yourself in check…
You don’t need guarantees 24/7. That’s not how life works. In life you can be comfortable or courageous, but not both at once.
4. Focusing on failures instead of present opportunities.
Well it’s true, you have failed and you have been hurt in the past. But it’s also true that you have loved, and been loved. That you have risked, and received. That you have grown not just older, but wiser. And all of this carries a weight of its own — a greater weight than any particular failure or wound. Again, it’s better to have a life full of small wounds and failures that you learned from, rather than a lifetime filled with the regrets of never trying.
Have you ever seen a toddler learn to walk? They stumble and fall numerous times before getting it right. The falls are learning opportunities. Oftentimes it takes pain and patience to make lasting progress. So don’t let time pass you by like a hand waving from a train you desperately want to be on. Don’t spend the rest of your life thinking about why you didn’t do what you can do right now.
5. Holding on too tight to how things were “supposed” to be.
You can’t lose what you never had, you can’t keep what’s not yours, and you can’t hold on to something that does not want to stay. But you can drive yourself mad by trying. What you need to realize is that most things are only a part of your life because you keep thinking about them. Stop holding on to what hurts, and make room for what feels right!
Do not let what is out of your control interfere with all the things you can control. In other words, say “goodbye” to what didn’t work out so you can say “hello” to what might. In life, goodbyes can be gifts. When certain people walk away from you, and certain opportunities close their doors on you, there is no need to hold on to them or pray to keep them present in your life. If they close you out, take it as a direct indication that these people, circumstances and opportunities are not part of the next chapter in your life. It’s a hint that your personal growth requires someone different or something more, and life is simply making room.
6. Playing the victim for too long.
Life isn’t fair, but you don’t have to let the past define you. If you always play the victim, you will always feel like one. Don’t do it to yourself!
Remember that time you thought you couldn’t make it through? You did, and you’ll do it again! Don’t let your challenges get the best of you. Don’t let your insecurities bully you into a corner…
Ultimately, your healing and growth depends on your willingness to take responsibility for your life from this moment forward, regardless of who had a hand in making it the way it is now. It’s about taking control of your present circumstances, thinking for yourself, and making a firm choice to choose differently. And no, you aren’t responsible for everything that happens to you in life, but you are responsible for undoing the self-defeating thinking patterns these undesirable outcomes create, so you can grow beyond them. It’s about being the hero of your life, not the victim.
7. Waiting, overanalyzing, and never taking action.
Too often we waste our time waiting for the ideal path to appear, but it never does because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting. So whenever you find yourself at a point of intense decision-making where you’re caught in a cycle of over-analysis and hesitation, and you’re making zero progress, take a deep breath, break the cycle, make an educated guess on the next logical step, and take it. Even if you get it wrong, you will learn something useful that will help you get it right.
Remind yourself that it’s far better to be exhausted from small bits of effort and learning, than to be tired of doing absolutely nothing. Truth be told, the greatest of all mistakes is to do nothing simply because you can only do a little. And you can always do a little! Where you are right now is exactly where you need to be to take the next little step.
8. Being too busy to appreciate life.
Take action, work hard, but don’t forget to pause and pay attention to life’s simple moments too. That’s honestly the best advice there is on a busy day. Realize that life is simply a collection of little chances for happiness, each lived one moment at a time. That some time each day should be spent noticing the beauty in the space between the big events. That moments of dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered. But most of all, realize that life is about being present, watching and listening and working without a clock and without anticipation of results at every moment, and sometimes, on really good days, for letting these simple moments fill your heart with sincere gratitude.
Truth be told, you will inevitably, whether tomorrow or on your deathbed, come to wish that you had spent less time worrying and rushing through your life, and more time actually being mindful and appreciative of each day.
9. Not spending enough quality time with the right people.
At some point, you’ll just want to be around the few people who make you smile for all the right reasons. So today, spend more time with those who help you love yourself more — spend more time with those who make you feel good, and less time with those who you feel pressured to impress. Never be too busy to make room in your day for the ones who matter most. And remember that nothing you can give will ever be more appreciated than your sincere, focused attention — your full presence.
Truly being with someone, and tuning in without a clock and without anticipation of the next event, is the ultimate compliment. If you appreciate someone today, tell them. If you have something else important to say, say it. Hearts are often confused and broken open by words left unspoken. Which is a perfect segway to our final point…
10. Not expressing our love openly and fully.
Without question, you’re going to lose people in your life. Realize that no matter how much time you spend with someone, or how much you appreciate them, sometimes it will never seem like you had enough time together. Don’t learn this lesson the hard way. Express your love! Tell people what you need to tell them. Don’t shy away from vulnerable or romantic conversations simply because you feel awkward or uncomfortable. You never know when you might lose your opportunity…
In the final decade of his life, my grandfather woke up every single day at 7AM, picked a fresh wild flower on his morning walk, and took it to my grandmother. One morning, I decided to go with him to see her. And as he placed the flower on her gravestone, he looked up at me and said, “If only I had picked her a fresh flower every morning when she was alive. She really would have loved that.”
As you can imagine my grandfather’s words touched a nerve in me. And over the years I’ve often reflected on what he said that morning, and how his sentiment relates to everyone and everything I care about. I mean, I don’t want to live with needless regrets — I don’t want to wish I had done things differently, especially something as simple yet meaningful as picking flowers for the love of my life.
How to Practice Letting Go of Regrets
The points above are crucial reminders, but what if you already have regrets you’re struggling with?
No doubt, feelings of regret sometimes sneak up on us. Oftentimes we regret things simply because we worry that we should have made different decisions in the past. We should have done a better job, but didn’t. We should have given a relationship another chance, but didn’t. We should have started that business, but didn’t…
We compare the real outcomes of our past decisions to an ideal fantasy of how things “should” be. The problem of course is that we can’t change those decisions, because we can’t change the past. Yet we resist this reality subconsciously — we keep overanalyzing and comparing the unchangeable reality to our ideal fantasy until we’ve wasted lots of time and energy.
But why?
If we logically know better, why can’t we just let all our ideals and fantasies GO?
Because we identify personally with these ideals and fantasies. We all have this vision in our minds of who we are — our well-meaning intentions, our intelligence, our social impact, etc. And we make the best decisions we can of course, because again, we generally mean well. Even if you struggle with deep-seeded self-esteem issues, you probably still identify with yourself as being a decent and respectful human being.
And so when someone says something about us that contradicts the vision of ourselves that we identify with — they insult our intentions, our intelligence, our status, etc. — we take offense. We feel personally attacked, and we have a hard time letting it go.
Something very similar happens when we believe we did something — made a mistake — that contradicts the same vision of ourselves that we identify with. We take offense! In some cases we implode on ourselves — we berate ourselves for making the mistake: “How could I have done this?” we think. “Why couldn’t I have been smarter and made a better decision?” And again, we have a hard time letting it go — we have a hard time coming to grips with the fact that we aren’t always as good as the vision we have of ourselves.
So in a nutshell, our ideals and fantasies about ourselves tend to cause us lots of misery.
The key is to gradually practice letting go of these ideals and fantasies, and focus instead on making the best of reality. The truth must be embraced…
- Every bad decision we made in the past is done — none of them can be changed. And in fact there’s some good in every one of those bad decisions too, if we choose to see it. Just being able to make a decision at all is a gift, as is being able to wake up in the morning, and being able to learn and grow from our wide-ranging life experiences.
- We are not actually what we envision ourselves to be, at least not always. We are human and therefore we are multi-layered and imperfect. We do good things, we make mistakes, we give back, we are selfish, we are honest, and we tell white lies sometimes. Even when we are doing our absolute best, we are prone to slip. And once we embrace this and get comfortable with our humanness, making a bad decision tends to conflict a lot less with our new, more flexible (and accurate) vision of ourselves.
Of course, all of this is easier said than done, but whenever you find yourself obsessing over and regretting a past decision, you can 1) acknowledge that you’re falling into this pattern, 2) realize that there’s some ideal or fantasy you’re comparing your decisions and yourself to, and 3) practice letting go of this ideal or fantasy and embrace a wider range of reality in the present moment.
Now, it’s your turn…
One day you will find yourself closer to the end, thinking about the beginning.
TODAY is that beginning!
TODAY is the first day of the rest of your life.
I challenge you to put the principles of this article to good use.
Motivate yourself to START NOW by answering a simple question:
What’s one thing YOU CAN choose to do today that you will NOT regret?
Please leave Angel and me a comment below and let us know what you think of this essay. Your feedback is important to us. 🙂
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive two new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Jan says
This article is true in every sense. I am 76 and have already learned my of these truths and have passed my wisdom on. Everyone should read this and try out your advice.
Catherine Clark says
This is a very inspirational essay and newsletter. At 68 I am still learning all these lessons. This was a wonderful reminder of how to embrace your life.
Joe Charlaff says
Your article packed with very sound advice is like taking a cold shower in the morning. It clears the emotional cobwebs that have accumulated in your head while you were asleep (emotionally).
Thank you for the wake up call
Kathy C says
Thanks I truly appreciate the common sense attitude that we all need to hear at one point in our lives to wake us up… sometimes we are all to blinded by the negative energy and thoughts we live with…. Your grandfather was a smart man…
Linda says
Good advice for anyone. Time is too precious to waste on regrets and what ifs .
Shelley Windham says
I truly needed this article today! I have been berating myself lately for things in the past that I did after my husband died. Financially and personally.
I loved the article because life is a big risk! Being around people that love you is imperative to one’s happiness.
I read a hospice nurse’s writings about people’s deathbed regrets. Most regrets were not about money and material things, it was about family and love! And to not lose touch with people we love.
Let’s not waste our precious time on people we can’t change and may not treat us right, and instead spend it with others that DO love us.
Thanks for reminding me about all of these things!
Tasneem Sadriwala says
It was a wonderful article.
Jackie says
I really needed this article. It is very helpful as I recently moved out of state with my husband and young daughter. I regret moving away from family because that’s all I know. I regret not appreciating what I had and moving way across the country where I really don’t have alot of family here. So I maze the decision to move back its only been 7months but the mental toll it has taking on me has been the scariest thing I’ve ever had to go thru. Not to mention all the money I’ve had to spend to do this. But I am grateful I got this opportunity to try out something new even though it was for me in the end. I am also grateful that I have the option to go back so soon and start over. I need to let go of the past and keep moving forward. I will be saving this article. Thank you.
Irene says
Great insights, I have been fighting with most of what you stated. Your words are a gifts to me and so many other people. Thanks you.
Colleen Coles says
Thank you for posting this Article. Many times I have had to start over and looking backwards never helped. I grow a little each day by looking forward and by caring for my family, however I can.
Barbara says
Another worthy read, M&A! I’m both a past attendee at your seminar in Orlando last year and a current student in your Getting Happiness course and coaching, and this short article provides such invaluable reminders of what I’ve learned from you. And it gives me a healthy push to get back into the course and seminar recordings and implement more of the useful tools you’ve provided.
Also, thank you so much for the refresher about overcoming old regrets! I’ve been successfully building and maintaining several small, daily rituals in my life since I started your course, and I often catch myself regretting the fact that I didn’t start sooner…among struggling with other old regrets. So this helps as I start to plan for the upcoming year.
Thanks again.
Lynne Stewart says
I am 69 and still have trouble giving up things I regretted doing.
I have been making a point to surround myself with people I enjoy instead of those who upset me. Your ideas have reminded me what is important.
Thank you
Meg says
Boom! This one arrived in my email with perfect timing. I’ve been working on letting go of a big regret I have about not spending more time with my family over the past 20 years of running a successful business. But I’ve been doing my best to redirect this energy and focus on the present day so I can do my best to be present with my family over the next couple weeks while I take some time off of work. I can’t correct the past, but I can make the most of today, and that’s something I know I won’t regret. So thanks for the reminders at the end for letting go of regrets.
Sean Morin says
Marc and Angel, I’ve used your book and teachings to work through the regrets I had following my divorce earlier this year. This write-up really brings some extra perspective, and I appreciate that.
Today, I will love myself by taking a run, eating healthy, and meditating for a little while. This evening, I know I will not regret that I did.
Thank you.
Nancy says
Regarding number 7, when it is your child who has decided to reject you for reasons you know are untrue, it is a bitter pill, and an ideal- i.e. that your child should love you and have a close relationship with you- that is hard to let go of. When he starts bad-mouthing you to your other children and your friends it is even more difficult to “go high when they go low.” When you are now excluded from family events and get-togethers because of him, it’s hard to pull up your socks and walk away.
And yet, what other choice is there? You can’t change the way someone feels or thinks. You can’t resolve a problem when the person refuses to talk to you. So, like it or not, there is just to move on, and try to put aside the ideal of a happy family that you thought you were creating, and go live your life.
A problem is like a big rock dropped in a stream – the water makes a new path around it, heads in a different direction. So I can choose to let go of what I once wanted, and embrace a new reality. But no one said it would be easy. The mother-child bond, on the mother’s part at least, is very strong. It’s hard to think of your children as just another person who doesn’t want to be around you for their own reasons. Yet what else makes sense? So on I will go, creating a life of extraordinary experiences with people who choose to come with me. And who loses out in this equation? Not me.
Thanks for all your shared wisdom. It helps more than you know during this season.
Ruth Duthie says
This is also happening to me. It’s incredibly painful and almost like a death in the family that plays its repeating reel that has no ending. To stop the reel I say out loud, “I choose happiness.”
Jacqueline Purland says
So very sorry Nancy. It’s unbelievable how many families have estrangement issues.
It’s an awful thing when it happens but we have to try to not take it personally. I know it sounds crazy but look at how that person treats others. It’s happened in my family and is heartbreaking. But we have to move on and live. This is such a positive article, hope it helps a little.
Patty says
To all the suffering estranged parents a good read is Therapist Shari McGregor’s book “Done With The Crying”. It is extremely painful to accept the rejection of a child. It has been a lifesaver for me to find peace and allow in some happiness at 73 after years of being on a roller coaster. This resource combined with the practical and insightful guidance of M&A are the prescription to stop beating yourself off.
Tami Wood says
Just a BIG THANK YOU! Everything you write has meaning to me! Never disappointed ! I am a 48 year old wife and mother of one. To say my life is a novel is an understatement! I have had my fair share of abandonment, loss, disappointments, grief, sadness, betrayal and the list goes on! My life at 48 like so many others is not the fairly tale I and so many others dreamed of as a little girl. However, every road I have been down, every wrong turn I have made and even all the stop signs and dead ends along the way have only made me stronger and more of a woman today! Life is full of hills and valleys and we must cherish each and every hill because we never know if it will be there tomorrow just as we must pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off from every valley and continue on our path. I believe that no one walks alone yours hills are a gift and we can not take them for granted and your valleys are your test to teach you to overcome and be stronger and wiser. We can not be who we are today without the hills or the valleys. Life is not a fairytale it is a journey ! It is up to each one of us to believe we are not walking alone and there is purpose and a plan bigger and better than we can possibly imagine! So to all that May find themselves running into more valleys than hills today please remember it’s just a minor setback to the next set of hills in your future . We must all appreciate our present because we can not change our past and our not promised our tomorrows. Life is too short to replay our childhood fairytales so let’s live our lives to the fullest and enjoy every hill and learn and grow from every valley and at the end of every day be thankful you were given another hill to smile upon and another valley to grow stronger in.
Tami
Lynda says
I believe that most things happen to us for a reason (or a lesson at least). This morning I was struggling with a report I recently received from my doctor regarding my ongoing work with managing my stress and emotions. My struggle is that I have been looking back & feeling sad about opportunities missed. Today I will go forward. I will acknowledge that I have reached my maximum recovery & be okay with living with this disorder (I was diagnosed 4 years ago) & stop waiting for it to go away. This is who I am & This is were my life begins again! Thank you for the opportunity to learn how to go toward.
Dawn Trivitt says
I totally agree. I do hang on to past hurts and disappointments. I know I can’t change the past. And still question myself till this day what have I could do one better. I basemy reactions on the present moment and then feel bad about it. I try so hard for validation and I can’t co.e to terms that anyone really cares about me. I have trust issues that will probably never go away I given my love and trust away to easily. Now sit in self doubt all the time. Because everyone n
Blames me all the time. I sometimes don’t want to live anymore because I carry all of it so deeply it effects myself.
Thank you for your blog I look forward to seeing it when it crosses my email.
Sherry Shelton says
You are not the only one and I’m sorry that you went through all of this. I’ve been through a lot myself and it is really hard when your child basically suddenly just like you. I am bipolar and have other disorders as well and it is so tough sometimes that you can’t get up for the challenges in life. I am dusting myself off when trying to get up and go because no one else will help me. I feel no one barely cares about me. But as this article States I’m going to stand up and care for myself before others
Felishia says
This was such a beautiful and timely read M & A. As I read through the comments, my heart goes to everyone who is trying to connect deeper with their people. I’m on the other side, after losing my mom, change is all I’ve seen. For the longest time, I went along with most of it for the happiest of my father. Then for this past Father’s Day to come to terms with the father I once knew all my life is gone. Our conversation that day was devastating, my parents were my world and hearing him say that he was finally able to be himself again broke my heart. As if my life was a lie, I told him I have been grieving both of them except I still see him time to time, but it still hurts just as bad.
I’m home this weekend for his birthday and I will talk to him when it’s appropriate about some of the concerns that have been weighing on my heart. Once I know his stance I will be relieved from the fear of having future regret. I knew this was something I had to do, but this article came at a time that confirmed the importance in its entirety. Thank you.
John Jurkiewicz says
Thanks so much for sharing this today. I’ve been dealing with a serious health condition for the past month and it really has gotten me down. I try to keep focus on the positive stuff in my life but some days, like today, it’s a difficult thing to do. Everyone of the 10 points you share today will head home with me and I have to tell you that they are 100% spot on for all of us at one time or another in our life. I could sit here all day and tell you how much I appreciate your wisdom , but I’ll simply tell you that a testament to it is integrating it into my life, and helping me become a better person. Thank you so much.
Anne Parsons says
Wishing you all the best. I spent almost a dozen years working in an office that shared resource information & programs with people who had mild to severe mental or physical disabilities, sometimes were in hospice care & other times recovering, who were homeless or needed safer, or more affordable or accessible housing or other basics in life. It is normal to grieve any loss. But it is heroic to decide the loss will NOT become who you are. God loves us & can give us inner strengths we never knew we had. M & A are great inspirations.
Stan says
#10 Really hit home. A friend of 20 years died a few months ago. We told each other often that we loved the other, as friends and nothing more. Something men rarely do. As much as I miss him, it has given me much comfort that we did this.
Sue says
Thank you this well time article which has helped me to stop the overthinking and focus on what really matters.
Thank you so much.
Joyce Schlachter says
Thank you! I am always in awe of the synchronicities in life. My chosing to see and read this, this morning, was such perfect timing. Your wisdom is uplifting. I will read this again and again.
Randa says
Wow very good article. I love the work that you two do. Thank you very much
Micky says
I have learned to not regret or be ashamed of setting my boundries higher and protecting them for my own happiness.
Reginald Faulks says
Thank you for this article. I have been aware of my anguishing in regret over past bad decisions. I believe the advice that was presented here is exactly what I needed to get myself unstuck!
Martha says
Thank you very much M&A for sharing this important information. It is true most of them applies to me. Therefore from today I will change step by step to take extra care of myself, to show love and appreciate those love me unconditional, stop being to busy and learn to be grateful, let go the past and move on.
Goodbye. AMEN
Joan says
Thank you Marc & Angel – Your wise words, reminders to pay attention to where our thoughts and perspectives are taking us, encourage me. I’m healing at age 70 and feel more alive than I ever have before. I’ve genuinely fallen in love for the first time and am so happy to know what all the songs and poetry are about. I’m afraid of losing, but working hard to keep up my courage, because it’s such a golden chance.
Thank you for helping me. – Joan
Deborah Miller says
This was a great article! Thank you so very much and also thank you for writing in such a relaxed style. It was interesting and insightful , which made me want to read the whole thing and also relaxes us so that we can take it in. Thank you again I needed this.
Daniela says
A very spot on, well written article! Quintessential truths expressed in a simple, clear way!
Nancy Harrison says
I’m 88 and loved reading this helpful article. Wish I had written it.
Benedict says
So so all true. You’re such a blessing to your world. Your articles are never disappointing but refreshing. But one thing i have personally and consistently experience and maybe feared now is feeling refresh at the point of reading such article as this but loosing the sight or hold of such insight as time roles by and sometimes back at the same spot of feelings.