How to Make Love Last: The Best Relationship Advice from 45 Years of Marriage
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Practical Tips for Productive Living
by Marc Chernoff // 34 Comments
by Marc Chernoff // 27 Comments
This guest post was written by Alex Fayle, author of Someday Syndrome.
When I was seven years old, I won a foot race in last place.
Due to foul play at other schools, the local school district enacts a mandatory policy during recess hours that segregates the schoolyard based on gender. Boys and girls are no longer allowed to partake in activities together. Given that my friends are almost all girls, I feel lost. I’m not rough and tough enough to feel comfortable with the boys, and yet my gender excludes me from hanging with my friends, the girls.
So I learn to be an outsider. I have a couple acquaintances in both camps, but I’m not actively a part of either, at least not anymore. And because I’m an outsider, I quickly become the object of teasing. Every tribe picks a walking, talking target of ridicule and I fall easily into this role.
Although the words hurt, I find strength from within to push forward, to stay who I am. Because my parents instilled love and patience in my mind from the time I was born. They taught me that the only valid competition is with oneself. So I don’t mind being me. I just wish everyone else would learn to accept me as I am.
To add to my exclusion, I’m fairly clumsy and athletically awkward. I can’t pull my limbs together in a coordinated manner to lift myself over the high-jump bar, to propel my body through the air for the triple-jump, or to pump my legs fast enough along the race track.
I’m never in last place, but because of my outsider status, the majority of the students spew words of ridicule at me anyways. The other outsiders – the poor, malnourished students who wear tattered clothes to school, or the ones with physical disabilities – they get verbally harassed too. And although they never say a word about it, I can see the pain and frustration in their eyes. It hurts them just as much, if not more, than it hurts me.
As the teachers group the boys together for the weekly 100 yard dash, I decide it’s time for an outsider to win for once.
In the eyes of my classmates, I’m already the loser. Regardless of whether I come in first place or last, they will mock me. I realize I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. So I purposely run slow and let everyone pass me, even the poor boy whose ribs show through his skin, whose track and field clothes are the same as his day-to-day clothes… the one whose always in last place.
From my position just behind him, I see the teachers cheering him on. Then suddenly, and surprisingly, some of the students join in. I make an effort to seem like I’m pushing myself while actually falling back more and more. And before long, all the students are cheering him on. “You got it!” they chant. “You’re almost there!”
The boy crosses the finish line and looks back at me. He has a smile on his face stretching from one end of the schoolyard to the other. It’s the first time he’s not in last place.
I pant across the finish line and receive the usual jeers, but I smile too. Because today I learned how to win in a way many of my classmates will never understand.
I may have finished in last place.
But I won the race.
Alex Fayle, of Someday Syndrome, is a former procrastinator who uses his visionary ability to uncover hidden patterns and help you break the procrastination obstacle so that you can finally find freedom and start living the life you desire.
Photo by: Lekke
by Marc Chernoff // 64 Comments
With an impending 28th birthday on my mind, I spent some quiet time this evening reflecting on my recent past. And I’ve come to realize that my 20’s taught me a lot about life. So, I figured I’d share a few lessons I’ve learned along the way.
And I leave you with this question:
How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
Photo by: Nattu
by Marc Chernoff // 29 Comments
She has dirty blond hair, a seductive smile, and the most engaging set of hazel green eyes I’ve ever seen. It’s the kind of engaging I can’t ignore… the kind that makes me want to engage too. Because she’s mysterious. And I’m curious. And I need to know more.
Yet, I do my best to avoid making eye contact. So I stare down at the pool table and pretend to study my opponent’s next move. But only long enough for her to look the other way, so I can once again catch a glimpse of magnificence.
I do this, not because she intimidates me, but because I think she may be the girl Chad met last night. A wild night that, he said, “involved two bottles of port wine, chocolate cake, and sweaty bed sheets.”
Then, just as her eyes unexpectedly meet mine, my opponent groans, “It’s been your turn for like five minutes. Ya planning on going sometime today?” And she walks gracefully away.
So I continue to wonder… “Is she the port wine and chocolate cake girl? Gosh, she doesn’t look like that kind of girl.” But I don’t wonder too long because Chad enters the room and says, “Marc, there’s someone I want you to meet.” So I follow him into the kitchen and we bump right into her. “Oh, Angel,” Chad says. “This is my buddy, Marc.”
And I smile ear to ear and chuckle…
Because she’s not the port wine and chocolate cake girl. But also because I spent the last twenty minutes thinking about the port wine, and the chocolate cake, and the sweaty bed sheets.
Hours later, the party begins winding down. But the band is still playing, the two painters who have been painting a wall mural all evening are still painting, and Angel and I are still dancing.
“Are you tired?” I ask.
“No,” Angel says. “Dancing is my outlet. When I dance, I transcend myself and the doubts that sometimes prevent me from being me. This evening has been enchanting, just dancing with you and being me.”
So I twirl her around. And the drummer keeps drumming. The guitarist keeps strumming. The singer keeps singing. The painters keep painting. And now we’re the only ones dancing.
As we continue to dance, she says, “I feel as if we’re naked. And not just you and me, but the drummer, the guitarist, the singer, and the painters too. Everyone left in this room is naked… naked and free.”
I smile and tell her that I agree. “We are naked. We are free.”
As I know we don’t have to take our clothes off to be naked. Because moments of passion flow into each other like port wine flows into chocolate cake. And if we let them, these moments can expose us completely, and continuously. And create climaxes that don’t even require sex.
Because a true climax has little to do with orgasm, and everything to do with passion, love, and devotion. In the same way, nakedness has little to do with how much clothing one wears, and everything to do with one’s awareness in a given moment of time… An unfettered awareness that frees their mind and allows them to truly live the moment for all it’s worth.
After a few more songs, Angel asks if I’d like to join her out on the front porch where it’s quieter. “Just so we can talk about life,” she says.
I give her a little wink. “I love life in this crazy world! It is crazy, isn’t it?”
She smiles. “Yeah, a world in which we can be naked with our clothes on and experience continuous climax without intercourse.”
“Because instead we can achieve both with music, or paint, or dance, or any form of avid self-expression,” I add.
“You got it. Even the sincerity in this conversation is beginning to work for me,” she says as we step out the front door and into the moonlight.
Photo by: Grazie
by Marc Chernoff // 29 Comments
This guest post was written by Tehseen, the author of Recharge Your Mind.
Happiness is simply a state of mind. No, I’m not implying that we can instantly heal the pain of a severe or unexpected personal tragedy just by thinking about being happy. Rather, I am referring to our levels of happiness on routine days when things in our lives are close to normal. In these neutral times, when we are neither ecstatic nor extremely sad, the slightest change in attitude can swing our happiness balance drastically in either a positive or negative direction. One of the primary factors that affect our attitude is our choice of words.
Words have a lot of power and influence on both the speaker and the listener. When we speak we sometimes unintentionally choose words that have a negative undertone. This can make us seem unhappy (and negative) in the eyes of others. Even worse, after we have spoken these words our unconscious mind starts believing in them. “If this is what came out of my mouth, it must be the way I truly feel.”
However, this is not always true. The first fleeting words that come to mind are not necessarily the most accurate representation of our feelings and intentions. We must realize that we have the power to choose the words we use, and if we pick them carefully, they can change the way we feel.
Here are three typical scenarios where positive language can inject positivity and happiness into our lives.
Typically, when I ask someone “How are you?” they reply, “I’m fine” or “I’m okay.” But one lazy Monday afternoon last month a new colleague of mine replied, “Oh, I am fabulous!” It made me smile, so I asked him what was making him feel so fabulous and he said, “I’m healthy, my family is healthy, and we live in a free country. So I don’t have any reason not to be happy.” The difference was simply his attitude and his choice of words. He wasn’t necessarily any better off than anyone else, but he seemed twenty times happier.
It really struck a chord with me. Suddenly I realized that I have a choice. I can either say “the glass is half empty” or “the glass is half full.” Why not rejoice in the fact that, thankfully, I don’t have anything to be terribly upset about.
So now when someone asks me how I am doing, I say “I’m doing wonderful!” or “Everything is awesome!” or something similar that reflects a positive, happy mood. Since I’ve made a regular habit of doing this, multiple friends and acquaintances have noticed a positive change in my attitude. And I do genuinely feel happier. Also, it seems like the people around me are smiling more now too. So I guess it’s contagious.
We’ve all been involved in friendly discussions that turn into heated arguments. This usually results in a complete breakdown of productive communication. The reason for this is simple. When people get into heated arguments they get unhappy, and unhappy people are not productive. More often than not these arguments transpire due to our choice of words rather than our point of views. If communicated peacefully and appropriately people usually tolerate each other’s perspectives pretty well. Hence, it’s very important to choose our words wisely even when we strongly disagree with someone.
Using words that make the other person feel negated always creates negativity in conversations. On the other hand, choosing words that assure the listeners that their perspectives are being respected drastically improves the chances of getting your point across without heating things up.
Wendell Johnson once said:
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
When we are talking or thinking about ourselves we are typically the least careful with our choice of words. We assume that there are no restrictions on what to say or how to think about our own person. In some situations this might be true, but the positivity or negativity of our words and thoughts still affect us.
For example, there is a huge difference between saying “I wish I have a house that big someday” versus “It would be great to have a house that big someday.” The latter gives a greater sense of possibility and confidence which allows us to believe that ‘yes’ it is possible and ‘yes’ it could happen one day. Whereas, using words like ‘I wish’ makes it seem unreachable and impossible, which generally leads to feelings of discontentment.
These are just some simple examples that illustrate how important it is to choose and use positive words. Remember, our words transparently coincide with our mindset. Positive language creates a healthy balance between our mind and our heart.
Tehseen Baweja writes about creativity, productivity and personal growth. If you are looking for some tips, check out his blog at RechargeYourMind.com.
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