post written by: Marc Chernoff

5 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships


5 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships

When I was younger I often felt inadequate and “not good enough” to be friends, lovers, or business partners with certain people.  Sometimes I simply couldn’t understand what others saw in me.  I was very insecure.

I ended many promising relationships because of my insecurity.  In my mind, it felt easier for me to end it before they did.  Walking away rather than risking the heartbreak of rejection was how I justified my behavior to myself.  But after awhile, as I grew emotionally, I began to realize that I wanted and needed the comfort and support of long-term relationships.

So what did I do, and what can you do if insecurity is damaging your relationships?

You need to understand that a good relationship is about sharing ideas and enjoyable moments with another, to help each other grow in healthy ways, both together socially and as individuals.  If someone really does treat you poorly or lies and cheats you out of something, feeling insecure is a natural and reasonable response.  However, if you’re actually in a generally good relationship with someone, then it’s time to…

1.  Stop trying to read minds.

Most relationship problems and associated social anxieties start with bad communication, which in turn leads to attempted mind reading.  Mind reading occurs when two people assume that they know what the other is thinking when they don’t.  This process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid route to feelings of insecurity and stress.

If someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean something else.  If they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has some hidden, negative connotation.  Likewise, don’t make the people in your life try to read your mind.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable.

It’s also important to remember that you aren’t suppose to know every little thing going on in the minds of others, even the people closest to you.  When you stop trying to read their minds, you really begin to respect their right to privacy.  Everyone deserves the right to think private thoughts.  Constantly asking, “What are you thinking?” can provoke a person to withdraw from a relationship to find space.  (Read Getting the Love You Want.)

2.  Stop looking for perfect relationships.

You will end up spending your entire life hopelessly seeking the right lover and the right friends if you expect them to be perfect.  Even worse, the process of doing so will drive you mad, as you feel more and more insecure with every failed relationship that doesn’t live up to your fantasy of perfection.

We’re all seeking those special relationships that feel perfect for us, but if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to realize that there are no “perfect people” for you, just different flavors of imperfect ones.  That’s because we are all imperfect in some way.  You yourself are imperfect in many ways, and you seek out relationships with people who are imperfect in complementary ways.

It takes a lot of life experience to grow fully into yourself and realize your own imperfections; and it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest imperfections, your unsolvable flaws – the ones that truly define who you are – that you are able to proficiently select harmonious relationships.  Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for.  You’re looking for imperfect people who balance you out – the perfectly imperfect people for you.  (Angel and I discuss this process in detail in the Relationships chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

3.   Stop judging current relationships based on past ones.

Think about those times when you passed an unfair judgment on someone merely because they reminded you of someone from your past who treated you poorly.  Sadly, some people pass judgments like these throughout the entire duration of their long-term relationships.  Simply because they were once in a relationship with someone who was abusive, dishonest, or who left them, they respond defensively to everyone else who gets close to them, even though these new relationships have been nothing but kind and supportive.

If you carry old bricks from the failed relationships of your past to your present relationships, you will build the same flawed structures that fell apart before.  So if you suspect that you have been making unfair comparisons between your present relationships and a negative one from the past, take a moment and consciously reflect on the hurtful qualities of this old, negative relationship, and then think of all the ways your present relationships differ.  This small exercise will help you let go of the old bricks and remind you that past pains are not indicative of present possibilities.

4.  Stop inventing problems that don’t exist.

Inventing problems in our mind and then believing them is a clear path to self-sabotage.  Too often we amuse ourselves with anxious predictions, deceive ourselves with negative thinking, and ultimately live in a state of hallucination about worst-case scenarios.  We overlook everything but the plain, downright, simple, honest truth.

When you invent problems in your relationships, your relationships ultimately suffer.  Insecurity is often the culprit.  If you doubt yourself and you don’t realize your own worth, you will pass on any opportunity to let others care for you, and you will remain stuck with the insecurity issues that weigh you down.

The insecure passenger does not trust anyone else to drive.  They feel out of control.  They imagine that the driver is not paying attention.  Or they may even fantasize that the slight jolting of the driver stepping on the breaks is a sign of doom via an impending collision.  They freak themselves out by assuming that the visions they have invented in their mind represents reality.

What you need to realize is that there are normal idiosyncrasies to any relationship.  There are ups and downs and mood changes, moments of affection and closeness and moments of friction.  These ups and downs are normal.  Wanting to be absolutely close and intimate all the time is like wanting to be a passenger in a car that has no driver.

Next time you feel insecure, and you catch yourself stressing about problems that don’t exist, stop yourself and take a deep breath.  Then tell yourself, “This problem I’m concerned with only exists in my mind.”  Being able to distinguish between what you imagine and what is actually happening in your life is an important step towards self-confidence.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

5.  Stop focusing on the negatives.

There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship.  Even if it seems perfect now, it won’t always be.  Imperfection, however, is real and beautiful.  The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations.  It’s how two people accept and deal with the imperfections of their relationship that make it ideal.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you have to accept everyone into your life who is willing to accept you, even if they are obviously not right for you.  But it does mean that if there are occasional difficulties in your relationships, you don’t have to jump to the bold conclusion that the entire relationship is bad, and become so distressed that the relationship ends, or so insecure that the other person questions your intentions.

No meaningful relationship will always work flawlessly all the time.  Being too black and white about the quality and health of a relationship spells trouble.  There will always be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good.  Insecure people constantly look for signs of what’s not working in their relationships.  What you need to do is look for signs of what is.

Having an appreciation for how remarkable the people in your life are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places.  So notice their strong qualities, cheer for their victories, and encourage their goals and ambitions.  Challenge them to be the best they can be.  Every day, acknowledge just how amazing they are.

The floor is yours…

What relationship issues do you struggle with?  When it comes to your relationships, what makes you feel insecure?  Please leave us a comment below and share your thoughts.

Photo by: Martin Gommel

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120 Comments

  • Thank you for this article – so insightful. I have been documenting my process of healing from a failed relationship in personal blog of my own. I’m struggling with re-finding my self-confidence. This article is truly packed with a lot of goodness for restoration, healing, and getting growing!

    I couldn’t resist re-posting a few of your bullet points here to my FB page. :)

    Thank you!

  • Hi Marc & Angel.

    Few years back I was addicted to soaps on the television. They were all full of drama. But over several different series I noted the same pattern repeating over and over. All of them had relationship issues being depicted. And all relationship problems could be traced back to some miscommunication that happened between the characters. When I looked around at myself in the real world and real people, I found the same pattern repeated itself abundantly.

    I could not agree more than what you have stated as one of the root causes of problems in relationships. You have put it in a different way - Stop trying to read minds. The intent is the same.

    Thanks for yet another great post.

  • I enjoyed this post. I have serious trust issues and am always judging current relationships based on past experiences. I’ve been turning down potential relationships because I do tend to focus on the negatives…I’m seriously trying to adjust my attitude/ thinking but its hard. Its hard to go through the whole process of getting to know someone and trusting them and that jazz

  • Great post Marc! It really describes some of the stuff I’m going through. The problem I’m currently facing is that I’ve been an introvert my whole life and I’m trying to become more social. However, I’m having difficult making friends as all the cliques are already established.

    Adding to the problem is the fact that without having lots of friends, it’s difficult for me to improve my social skills. I also have completely different interests than most people my age. They’re obsessed with sports while I’m interesting in things like personal development and blogging.

    If you were in my shoes how would you go about making friends?

  • Great article. I would add that it’s important to share your true self. This was always difficult for me, and it turns out I married someone with the same problem (we’re both shy and easily embarrassed). As we continue to reveal more intimate and embarrassing details about ourselves, we feel closer and closer.

  • Hearing other peoples stories helps with insecurity - thanks for sharing yours :) The tips are good ones.

  • Thank you so much. I was in a marriage where I was always hammered with the comment of I am not good enough, always challenged to go out and earn money, never appreciated, and much more. I separated after 23 years of marriage in 2006, but to date i am not able to correct the recording going on in my mind that “I am good for nothing.” I have lost nearly all friends, lost all my money, I am dealing with little confidence in everything I do. I am trying my best to heal myself, but in vain. I need help.

  • No kidding! The right post at the right time as usual - I feel like our souls are connected -I am struggling in my personal growth and life and each of your articles address my issues at the right time and fill me with an inner strength and wisdom to carry on and do what’s right. Thank-you!

  • Yet another consistently helpful and insightful article. I couldn’t be more glad that I found this site. Even moreso while in my 20s (still young ^_^ ). Thank you.

  • Dear Cameron,

    The first thing you have to do is change the recording in your head that says “I am an introvert..which means blah, blah, blah.” How else could you define yourself and change the way you frame yourself? Look back on your life on the times when you easily made friends, you were probably doing something that you loved and I bet you easily connect with people over something that truly interests you. My suggestion would be to find and do things that interest you and connect with others from that place. Meet-up is a great way to meet others with similar interests in a non-threatening way. It’s hard for all of us to put ourselves out there because we are afraid of what others might think but you will start to increase your self-esteem with every little step you take and in doing so you will lead yourself into more intimate relationships. It’s not easy… and it is so worthwhile to push ourselves out of our comfort zone and into human connections that we all yearn and crave.

  • I response to Asha above…You are not alone…You could have written that identical paragraph about me. I guess it is a common phenomenon, wife mother ,useless to society …I find it most disturbing when I see young people get the job I applied for when I am more qualified…others don’t seem to get that . I don’t know how to not be negative falling so low…

  • Thank you. This had some insightful thoughts that I can certainly relate to. A variation to #3 that I definitely see for myself, is that no one can ever be the same amazing friend that my friend who passed away was. I need to stop comparing my relationships with others with the relationship I had with her.

  • His past mistake that keeps on reminding me that I am not enough. I forgave him but maybe not completely because I can’t trust him fully.

    Thank you for this wonderful article..I’ll take note of the 5 Stop! :) More power to you. Keep on writing! :)

  • @ ASHA S RAO…..

    If you have lost your self confidence….please try SHAJAYOGA. If you need some more details you can contact me at mahajan.shweta85@gmail.com

  • Asha, you and I have survived very similar stories. My heart goes out to you. I, too, still hear the negatives of a 33 year abusive marriage. I’ve decided I have stuffed my feelings, insecurities, and emotions so deep down for so long that these lies tend to become my truth. Logically I know what I was told is not true. With some hard work I am peeling back the layers of hurt and mistrust and becoming happier and healthier. There is a wonderful counseling theory called EMDR. Please look into it. It is the only method I have found effective and gives great proven ways to a happy future. I wish you the best and the promise that there is hope.

  • You hit the nail square on the head.

    “The insecure passenger does not trust anyone else to drive. They feel out of control. They imagine that the driver is not paying attention. Or they may even fantasize that the slight jolting of the driver stepping on the breaks is a sign of doom via an impending collision. They freak themselves out by assuming that the visions they have invented in their mind represents reality.”

    The economy being the way it is, & job prospects, I’m in a knot. I just need to realize the “backseat driver”, no matter which seat, has some security issues (etc)….

  • I really love this piece. it reminds me of who i used to be in the past….. 1 helluva insecure person. Its a very good read and all the points listed are true. shared it on my blog….. believe someone out there can learn from this.

  • I woke up this morning with anxiety over a relationship I am in because of my self esteem and insecurities…I I opened my Facebook page to get my mind off of it to relax and this post was the first thing I saw…thank you! I’m so terribly insecure and feel like I am not good enough in this relationship to the point that I sometimes think of ending it. It’s really ridiculous because this person is very good to me and patient with my old scars from my past relationships but I’m always waiting to get hurt and for something to happen so I keep a slight distance out of my fear and insecure thoughts :(

    I truly needed this today, thank you…I’m working on myself and trying to build my confidence and not always worry that I’m going to be hurt - This is will be something I will read everyday :)

  • I would have to say that after a failed marriage/relationship of 16 years. I struggle with the pain and hurt of betrayal.
    (Not saying I was perfect either but my ex made some pretty bad decisions over the years.)

    I don’t think it is fair to have anyone new pay for his past mistakes. But I think it is hard to not build up that wall to want to try to protect your heart from hurt again.
    But what happens when if you meet someone that has made the same mistake in the past as your previous significant other did?
    Do you think that they learned from the hurt that they caused as well?
    So I guess this is what I struggle with the most. The trust that someone new will not hurt you again.

    I have to tell you Marc and Angel, this is my absolute favorite post you guys have ever done and it goes hand and hand with todays blog:

    http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/04/02/10-signs-its-time-to-let-go/

  • Thank you,Marc and Angel for yet another beautiful post!:-) I really needed this right now. Just as Sophia put it, I often feel that you guys know exactly what I need to hear!:-) there is definitely some soul to soul connection :-) you are absolutely right about trying not to read minds..it just complicates relationships!and accepting the other person as they are is very important!

    Frequently,I expect the opposite person to behave or say things in a certain way,not realizing that it is an expectation towards him/her to behave like me and think like me.It is necessary to remember that we are two different individuals thinking about a certain situation in two different ways.

    Love you guys for all the wonderful insights you have about life.Keep them coming. God Bless!:-)

  • This article is so timely. I was literally thinking of such things early this morning, while trying to fall back asleep.

    I’ve been trying to work on my mindset of feeling that I am a burden to those in my life. I’ve never had a sense of security and stability and no concept of the idea of “unconditional love,” largely thanks to a tumultuous relationship with my mother, chaos in the family, and other problems. I didn’t fully realize what I was lacking because it was all I knew. I had no healthy, happy control to compare my life situations to, unhappiness and dysfunction were the norm, especially since many of my friends have had difficult upbringings and lives as well. Therefore, I was unaware until very recently how it affected my relationships, confidence, etc. as an adult.

  • Marc, I’d say you’re a heaven sent to the world - a reminder of lost thought, traits etc.. To help us deal with the world of both negativity and positivity. I don’t really know how I got here, but I must confess, my life hasn’t been the same the very first day I got here(unknowingly).

    Relationships, although I haven’t been in it much like that due to lack of time for it… But how others, sometimes miserably end-up or come-out from it is what sometimes fuels the doubt inside-me that I shouldn’t ever create more healthy relationships in my life. My thoughts about this has taken a U-turn with the help of this article. Thanks to the heaven-sent, marcandangel, for this awesome and wonderful inspiration.

  • Marc and Angel, I love u guys! I read your blogs on a daily basis and they really do help me think more positive.

    I currently gave birth a month ago today to a beautiful baby boy. The father is someone I never thought of having a child with. When I found out I was pregnant I cried so much constantly thinking why does it have to be his! He put me thru so much during our on and off relationship of 4 years and I constantly ask myself why did I allow this immature man 2 mess with my head. Lies upon lies and cheating only after 3 years… then once he knew I found out he begged me 2 take him back and I did give him a chance then ended up pregnant only for him 2 do it again during my pregnancy. He said to me he always thought I was cheating (I broke up when I was 6 months). That to me is a guilt confession.

    Anyways he wants to work things out now that we have a baby cause he says the baby truly changed him but I still don’t see anything yet except for his excuses and lies. I now see so much I haven’t seen before and after reading this blog, it just gave me insight on my insecurities and how I need to stop always expecting failure within the relationship. We are not together and everyday I keep saying this to myself so I won’t give in to him cause I now need to be happy for myself and my children (2 from previous relationship and only 1 with him).

    Thank you Marc and Angel :-)

  • I’ll take a different stance on my answers. Thanks to all for sharing today’s post.

    1. Stop reading minds….and speak your own truth. It will ruffle feathers. not everyone will like it, or understand it at first. But keep doing it and the relationship will evolve, its working for me.

    2. Stop looking for perfect relationships…and focus on your contribution to the relationship. Crazy family? Limit interactions and filter their commentary. Control your side. It takes 2 to Tango, if you opt out or change direction, the dynamic changes.

    3. Stop judging now based on the past…and start looking at now as a basis for the future. There is a lot of pain with our group today, lots of damage done over decades. That is what happened then, under very specific circumstances. Poke around and get some help locally. I dedicate an hour a day on reconciling my past, sounds silly but it works.

    4. Stop inventing problems that don’t exist…and start creating your wish list for the relationship you want. Turn it around. How?

    If you hear these phrases in your head, you’re going down the wrong path: “But I can’t..”, “I already tried that”, “It always..”, “It never..”

    I have a gold medal for wreaking havoc in my own mind. I “what if’d” myself out of great dates, job interviews, vacations, and opportunities. My self-esteem was so low that I did not date for 5 years. Don’t hold back for anyone, including yourself.\

    5. Stop focussing on the negatives…and find some damn positives. They are there, you lost sight of them and let the negatives rule. Every castle has a dungeon, but no one said you have to dwell in it.

  • This is good advice for ALL relationships: friendship, business, family, and intimate.

    If you bring the baggage from your previous relationships to your current relationships, you’ll basically have the same relationships. The only difference is the ‘look’ of the people.

    Heal and learn from your previous relationships. Going forward, you’ll experience happier relationships.

  • Trusting your own judgment. Go with your gut. You have stated this before…trust people until they give you a reason not to. If you feel uncomfortable with something, trust your feelings and say what’s on your mind. If you’re feeling insecure about a situation, say what’s on your mind. If you’re recycling a loop of negative self-talk, say “DEVIL BE GONE!” and trust that you’ll be ok.

  • It’s helpful to take frequent stock of all the positive things, since there will always be shortcomings and disappointments. It just comes down to whether the good outweighs the bad.

  • Great post. I will add, stop looking the right person. And focus to be the right one, then right people will come to your life!!!!
    Thanks Mark

  • Thanks for the reminder! One recent past relationship was imperfectly perfect, which was working for me. I had wanted to stay in the relationship but my partner did not. Unknowingly I was trying to conform to his “mold” of his perfect “me”. Over the course of several months I became so withdrawn and lost. I was unable to think or make decisions for myself. I also discovered that I had breast cancer this year. It is my belief that the stressful situation that I would not face and choosing to try and hold onto this relationship contributed to my overall health. This is my example of a relationship that must be ended.

    I’m happy to say that today I have satisfying relationships with grateful imperfectly perfect people. I also believe that my awareness today and these relationships contributed greatly to my remission. :)

    Thank you for “jump starting” my awareness on a regular basis!

  • Hi! This message is for Cameron Chardukian! I am an introvert as well and I have found that signing up on meetup.com has really helped me “get out there”. I’ve met a lot of lovely people on that sight and continue to meet with them on a regular basis. There are even meetups for introverts and for self-development types.

    I must also comment on the awesome post. I have been blessed with a relationship with my soul mate. Him and I follow a lot of what you are saying in the post and it totally works. We’ve been together almost twenty years, having met in our very early 20s. You are guys are doing tremendous work and I get so much insight and shift in perspective each time I read your posts. Thank you!!

    Cheers:) Magda

  • Your posts are always spot on. Every single person deals with all these things. I don’t read half of my email, except yours. Its always positive and they build up, not tear down. I am such an insecure person, and am always inventing problems in my head when it comes to my relationship. My mind goes down a path that gets deep and dark and then winds and spins away so far from what is real and actual. My husband has learned how to pull me back out, but I need positive inner dialougue to help me stop it myself, so thanks for the help and nice way you kick us in the butt!

  • Never had major insecurities in my relationship until recently. Although its not apparent it has taken a tremendous toll on me. Came to look for some calming advice on relationships on your blog because it is absolutely wonderful and this article popped up as soon as I reached the page like it was planted right there for me to see. A little freaked out about the irony however, your words and wisdom and positive thinking are sometimes just what I need to hear.

    I just want you to know how amazing it is to be able to read your blog every day. I appreciate you for all that you do. And I hope you realize the differences maybe small differences you have made in my life and certainly others as well. Thank you.

  • Thanks for the responses Gillian and Magda. I’ll work to change the way I think about being introverted and begin putting myself more out there with other people. I’m actually joining Toastmasters this week so hopefully that’ll help as well. :)

  • It never ceases to amaze me how accurately you choose a topic which is so relevant to my state of mind on that particular time…day in and day out…just today I am feeling so insecure in a relationship and just as you have mentioned I try to put things into his mind though he doesn’t say anything. After reading your blog I’m saying to myself I’ve got to stop this…thank you guys…you’re just great!!!

  • A very incisive read indeed.

    I really liked the first point about not getting tempted to read minds and arriving at conclusions in haste.

    I am a believer of having an open mind while seeking a relationship , be it personal or business. This post has added a few more dimensions towards that.

  • Great article!
    I was in a seemingly perfect relationship! I thought he was perfect and he thought I was perfect.. But… He sabotaged it! He kept saying, “Do you ever get upset? I can’t wait to our first argument!” When planning our wedding and new living arrangements, I refused to live in his current home where his deceased wife had died, amongst other sacrifices I was supposed to be the only one doing, like quitting the job I loved, moving my teenage daughter’s high school, and moving to Riverside! That ended our relationship! He absolutely got his argument. But great to know he wasn’t perfect and quite the opposite, very selfish and inflexible! Define testily dodged a destructive bullet :)

  • Insecurity issues in the early stages of my marriage stemmed from my husbands petty jealously.
    He used to get uptight (and worse) if I was innocently talking to other men. It was difficult at first but my constant reassurance eventually cured him.
    In banishing your insecurity issues you need to accept you have a problem. The dedication and understanding of your partner, with your willingness to work hard to change will see your feelings of insecurity disappear.

  • Hi Marc and Angel, I follow your blog like a bible. And it has completely changed my life. When ever there are dark days, it is your blog that I turn myself to.

    I recently spoke to a group of slum children about trust. Here is the link to the post.

    Hope you like it. May God bless u both!

  • I have cared for 2 years..very deeply..for a man I have known for 25 yrs..who has been a widower for 5 yrs now. I have been divorced 15 yrs..we go to church together..text..talk occasionally..and he hugs me every Sunday morning..but we have never had a ‘real date’ and it is tearing my heart out because I want more. He says he deeply cares..but just cant move on..and open his heart that way..I have truly fallen in love with this friendship..but so sad..all the time..because in 2 yrs of constant communication..he has NEVER even had a meal..or anything with me???

    My mind tells me to move on..and my heart says hang on???..the only time he truly acts like he cares..is when I go for a week or so and don’t call..he sends messages..like..’you must be seeing someone..guess its my loss..hope you are happy’?..He still wears his wedding ring…visits her grave regularly..etc. And I am willing to listen about her every time..because I care so deeply for him…I have prayed that if he is not the one.and this is true, to give me a sign.

  • My spouse is sad and bitter, a person who preferred a relationship with their same gender but couldn’t come to grips with it and married me and we had children together until reality hit me. To this day I’m not sure what my children know, but I am sure my spouse’s double life hurt us all (my spouse included). Each of my children have a harsh streak. I had to work hard to keep them from being hurt by my angry spouse and since it’s easier to attack someone “your own size”, I had to work to keep them from hurting each other too. The results could not be perfect, but I hoped it would be happier than it is. To keep from being emotionally (and financially) finished I took the route David Rapp has outlined.

    David Rapp, that’s a great line and so true, “Every castle has a dungeon, but no one said you have to dwell in it.” I very much enjoy reading your comments.

    I thought if I could be accepting and realistic my willingness to be present and tolerant in our strange situation would be healing for everyone. Instead, with all the wounds I bore and may have caused, I am uncomfortable with my children who are now all sharp-tongued adults. Most of us keep our distance from each other. What I hoped would have been a family has sadly become single nuclei floating around each one by themselves somewhere in the world. I tell myself that each of us is probably out there trying to make better choices. I guess it’s a long road, because . . . . . because it is.

    @Asha and @Soo; Join a group, a blog, a school, and connect, don’t let yourself be isolated. If you give in and stay alone and insecure you are continuing the damage of your past - and you aren’t in it anymore. Look out for your dream income and begin a list on what you need to create it. It will bring you amazing strength, relief and hope. Belong. Connect. I did and it is helping so I am passing the advice on to you.

    Kudos again to MarcandAngel for another wonderful post.

  • Great post guys. I am reading through the comments and I can see the connection everyone can share some challenges in relationships and naturally that’s how relationships are .The points are insightful and I am happy to be a reader of them for I do learn a lot here.

  • @David Rapp. I absolutely love the quote “Every castle has a dungeon, but no one said you have to dwell in it.” Definitely going under my favorite quotes and credited to you :)

  • @Braja Patnaik: Interesting how you became more aware of miscommunication playing a major role in relationships. Kinda sounds like soaps are beneficial to an extent after all! =)

    @Cameron Chardukian: We are more in your shoes than you know. Angel and I just moved to a new city knowing no one. I would suggest participating in groups and meet-ups you enjoy. To amplify your confidence in a social environment I would suggest checking out your local toastmasters group (toastmasters.org) and also check out meetup.com. You’ll be able to meet people with common interests in your community whether its photography, personal development or blogging. And, what Gillian said. Let us know how it goes. =)

    (I wrote this comment before I saw your addition. Great job Cameron, you’re making progress.)

    @Asha S Rao and Deborah: Maybe it’s time to seek professional help. If you see the issues within yourself, now is the time to make progress and take a positive step forward. Seeing a professional psychologist / therapist can work wonders.

    @Gillian: Great response, thank you!

    @Smiley: Congratulations on the arrival of your baby boy!

    @David Rapp: Love it! Thank you for your continued thought provoking input. Such beautiful, inspiring thoughts.

    @Mulki: Great point and something we all can work on. =)

    @All: As Amandah said, this advice can relate to any relationship – friendship, business, family and intimate, etc. You are not alone. We’re all figuring out this mystery we call life together. Thank you for the continue support and love. Cheers to building confidence and loving ourselves more than we did yesterday.

  • This was extremely awesome article that related to my feelings. I really needed it. Thanx for sharing.
    :’(

  • Oh how I wish I would have had this wisdom a few weeks ago. My insecurities completely blew a very important relationship out of the water - all of the scenarios I built up in my mind - imagined slights, etc. So desperately wish I could fix it, but I’m running out of time as my friend is moving to another state soon and I suspect I will never see him again.

    Thank you for your beautiful insights. They are such a blessing.

  • I am the kind of person who lives in a fairy tale as my husband would say especially when I am trying so hard for our relationship to be perfect. I just now understand that truly there is no such thing as perfect relationships.

    This article really made me realize that I am so insecure even if my husband tells me that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever met. Even though he has proven himself to me by leaving everything he has in his hometown just to marry me and to prove to my family that he is here to stay to be with me. I just now realized that I am the problem, I think of negative things. It is true that I even think of worst cases scenarios just because I think too much negativity which really leads to bad arguments. I love my husband so much and I know that he also loves me truly. It is I who made up things in my mind and when reality strikes I won’t even accept things because I’m in my fantasy that we should do this, that this is the right thing to do which is not right.

    I want to thank you for this wonderful article and tips because now that I realize what have I been doing wrong I am able to change it and make our relationship more realistic, and hopefully it will grow stronger.

  • This post could not come at a better time. One of my toughest friendships just hit an obstacle and I’m struggling to overcome it. My biggest problem I have in my relationships is my insecurity in learning to trust myself and other people in spite of how much I’ve been hurt in the past. This post is a great reminder of what I need to keep in mind and do to make this friendship work.

  • I agree with some of the others that David Rapp has added some great dimensions to the advice that was already given. In my life, I spent a lot of time believing I could read other people’s minds or that they were reading mine. All it did was cause problems. Honest, simple communication is the best way to maintain healthy relationships.

  • Thank you so much. I knew I had insecurity issues from a failed marriage, but I didn’t realize I had a real problem until I met someone special. He’s gently made me realize that I could address certain insecurities in order to live a more fulfilling life. I never put much thought in it before, but within the past few hours I’ve had a real revelation. I was soul searching when I ran across this post and it just put me to tears. I saw myself and I didn’t like it. This was the help I needed to turn the corner before I lost a good thing.

    So, thank you again. You’ve changed my perspective. My sincere gratitude.

  • Great article, thanks so much for sharing! I watched myself nearly destroy the best thing that ever happened to me. It was surreal, like watching a horror movie and yelling at the screen “Don’t go back in the house!”..

    So much of your post was exactly my experience, I mean EXACTLY… it is clear that so many of us allow fear, insecurity, the past, etc to filter our view of the present and disrupt our relationships..

    Luckily Tam was able to see through the insecurity and allowed me time to get my head out of my arse, put the past behind me, and start living life Now, instead of being stuck in the past or allow aprehension of some imagined breakup in the future rob us of what we have. When I think about it now I just shake my head and smile, and am so grateful.

    I love the stuff you post, keep it up, you are inspirational/educational/motivational and thought-provoking to so many

    Peace,
    Chris

  • Hi Marc and Angel. Thank you once again for another truly wonderful article. I discovered your site by accident about a year ago (exactly when I most needed it - I was exactly the type of person that your article describes, and worse!) and since then I can honestly say your site has helped change my life in so many positive ways. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
    You look like such a lovely couple. Your beauty just radiates from you both and it amazes me how you share that with the world! The world is all the more wondrous and precious for people like you.

  • There has never been an article that has spoken to me so detailed & clearly relevant to the current time and situation. Thank you for this.

    “Having fear is not the problem.
    Getting rid of fear is not the solution.”

    -The love based leader

  • Thank you for writing this post, sometimes we get bogged down in the details of life, it’s hard to look at what we’ve been given and not take everything for granted.
    Thank you

  • I have read so many of your posts, so many that are relevant, meaningful and have enhanced my life but this one nearly blew the top of my head off! I now realize…at more than halfway through my life, that I have intense insecurity in my relationships..of every type and sort. Thank you for the enlightenment & awareness. It will take some time & some hard work but “When you know better, you do better.”

  • I have a problem. My girlfriend had a boyfriend before me. He keeps calling her and one of the five times, she obliges him by going out to him but not for anything more than a cup of coffee. She even celebrated her birthday with him and celebrated with me the next day. She keeps telling me that she is just being casual with him but my mind keeps saying against it. She keeps stating how much she loves me and keeps showing it to me also but I really can’t believe her. I’m being genuinely concerned or just being insecure?

  • I really connected with point #2. Wonderful post.

  • This is a very good article. I was inches away from being married, so we had a commitment to one another that was real. The way I was treated when my relationship was ending was just as bad as if I were cheated on. I also consider everything here on as cheating because he just made the decision to leave me out of nowhere, without trying to talk it out with me when he did it, leaving it impossible for me to mentally accept at first. I was mistreated, therefore we could never even be “friends” anymore… because a friend does not mistreat another friend. After time passed, I realized that he simply rejected me, plain and simple.

  • I’m in a new relationship with a guy I’m simply wild about. He goes on business trips often and isn’t really available to me while hes gone. Sometimes he calls, but he at least text every day. This past week he went on a trip after we had an issue at his house. I wont tell what that is.. but it was his fault and he admits and has apologized.

    Well. i was insecure after what he did last week.. so the week of almost pure silence from him was like being punched in the stomach. I made myself believe he didn’t want to be with me anymore.

    My first serious relationship was with a man who was 21 years older than me. He pretty much took advantage of me and I didn’t know any better. When I did something to make him mad he would ignore me. Sometimes for days at a time. He would yell at me at the top of his lungs and then cut off all communication with me for 3-9 days. He later admitted to me that he wanted to “punish” me…that he was “teaching me a lesson” “training me” …

    Now I panic with my new boyfriend if he doesn’t talk to me every single day or answer my text asap.

    It’s such a natural reaction to freak out. I don’t even think about it. My body just reacts.

    Well I got so upset that now he (My current boyfriend) is upset with me. Now he isn’t answering for real. I don’t know if my fear that he will end the relationship is real or if it’s my last relationship coming into play.

    I can already tell that if he talks to me again I will be the ideal girlfriend. Perfect. Like I was in my last relationship until I messed up and was “taught a lesson” for several days.

    I don’t know what to do… I think I’m slightly traumatized.

    Do I tell the current boyfriend about my past?

  • When I was younger I was insecure and now I have problems regaining my faith. I really love this. I believe this also helps me focus on a stronger relationship with God.

  • This is a great article. It’s all in my head and I actually already know that. I’ve been dating someone for five months and I did something he didn’t like. I know what, I understand why, he’s not wrong. I was feeling very insecure. This post really helped me. I was feeling so crappy because I wanted to run away and dump him and move on because I want to do whatever I want but if I did that I would miss him. I would do it because I am scared of him dumping me.

  • This is exactly what happened in my last relationship. If only I had read this beforehand. Maybe I should have helped him a bit more than I did. Thank you for this wonderful insight.

  • Thank you for a wonderfully insightful post. I will be printing this off and reading it often. I suffer from extreme insecurity about my self-worth and self-image. I was in a mentally abusive relationship with an older man who was totally disrespectful to me…oh, he was a wonderful supporter financially…he “took care of me”. But he had a lot of issues (a true narcissist) and had inappropriate interactions with other women. Finally my eyes were opened and I left him for another man who is now my husband and he’s truly sweet, and caring, and does his best to help me overcome my insecurities. I know it can be draining for him at times. I cause issues in our relationship because of many of the points you make in your post. I want to change & I’m happy to have this now to re-read and will use it to try to modify/correct my behavior & thinking. Thanks again for such great words of wisdom!!!

  • This piece is perfect, the 5 elements relates to me. I might lose my love tonight, but because of my insecurities which lead to our arguments. I’m going to fight for her like its the end of the world.

  • After reading the threads, it gives me a feeling I’m not alone…. The problem with me is, I’m trying to compare his past relationships and me….which never happened in our two and half year relationship, though we are married and have a baby. Is it simply insecurity because I’m currently unemployed? Perhaps…

  • I m feeling the same in my relationship. I feel unappreciated and not good enough by my mother - in - law all the time. And worst part is my husband feels I’m complaining about his mother but the reality is all I’m trying to tell him is I just need some help to feel better about myself.

  • Great tips. Now, time to apply them.

  • Thank you so much for writing this. I now know that its not just me that can feel this way but that others do too. To be insecure in a relationship with the best person you could ask for is incredibly hard…There is no reason and it has all come from things that I’ve created in my head.

    Thank you again xx

  • I am so lost right now. I am married to the man of my dreams. We’ve been together for 5 yrs and married for 3.5 and he is amazing. Loyal, honest, trustworthy, adoring. I was married to a very abusive man for 15 yrs before leaving him and finding my DH. We’ve been blissfully happy….very best friends. Eight months ago he was laid off, and we were blessed that he found a job right away….it even paid better. But, ever since taking this job he works longer days, commutes and even travels about 3x/yr for 4 days at a time, and I have turned into a crazy, mistrusting, jealous wife…..for NO reason. He loves me dearly but won’t tolerate it, and he’s right! I keep reading and reading on how to change, but every time I think I’m fine something sets me up. I am desperately worried that I will lose him if I can’t change my ways! Help!!

  • Aw this is a brilliant article and so helpful, I thought I was going crazy until I read this. Insecurity really is a game we are playing with ourselves. I read this now everytime I feel I am drifting back into the oblivion… hope someday I won’t have to keep reading it tho :) Thank you.

  • Hi Ellen,
    I am no expert, but your story seems a bit similar to mine and the way I think. I get a little uneasy when my partner is away from me too, even though I know he is loyal and the most trustworthy. This sounds to me like it may be an issue of the subconscious mind. Have you tried meditating to try to change the way your subconscious mind thinks? I know youtube can provide you with some videos… just select ones you might like and try it out. youtube.com/watch?v=lRVoTKJmjN0 - here is one for example. Believe in yourself and you can do it :)
    -Tiffany

  • Hey. Your article was great but…what if I’m feeling insecure over his sexual past? My fiancé went through a phase and slept around and even had a threesome. I’m so afraid I’m not what he wants physically. He’s even told me I’m not even close to his “type.” I’m just terrified I’ll just be another number on the list. Probably not even a good one :/ I hate being so insecure, but I can’t stop thinking about it.

  • I love my wife to the core. However, I couldn’t bear the thought of she talking to some other guy little closely.

    If I think straight and in one way, I am lucky because I know in my head that my wife is very loyal person. Even then I am having anxiety attacks because she recently started talking to a guy who is a dancer, musician, photographer and good hard working co-worker.

    I am not a good dancer, not that interested in music or photography. I love sports and watch sports but my wife interests do not match with mine.

    I am insecure because my wife’s interests match exactly with her friends. (music, dance & photography)

    I am not at all suspicious of her but I am scared to death that I will loose her. I assume the worst and unable to deal with this. My wife has many good friends who are boys but I never felt like this before.

    With this fear, I am surrendering myself to her, becoming weak, and sometimes fight with her. My crazy behavior I think is driving her away. I cant help to control it.

    I dont want to take meds because I am young and I want to fight my insecurities but unable to do so.

  • This post really struck home for my relationship, especially the driver - passenger analogy. Thanks.

  • Hello, I am 18 years of age and I am finding things very difficult in my relationship. We went out for over a year and a half & then we broke up and now wet back together again but the thing is in our last relationship I always wanted to be in control, I’ve always felt like I’ve never been good enough. Before we got back together he said he basically wants us to be more casual and he wants me to give him more space and its like there isn’t anything that bounds us together, we’re not as strong and well I’m struggling a lot and I have no idea what to do :( thank you so much for this post but I feel like it will take some getting used to.

  • I’ve been dreaming about my bf’s ex. We’ve come to visit his family and I know that she isn’t far from where we are, I despise her and I know i need to get over it but she is in my dreams (or nightmares) and i can’t figure out whether it’s my insecurities torturing me or does it mean something?
    I recently became divorced from my first real love and entered this relationship soon after. I need help, I know this relationship is a truly deep and fulfilling one but I know I am causing destruction.

    It’s eating me up and creating an emotional upheaval in my mind. Not what you want for your once a year vacation. I also feel as if he doesn’t really care if I’m around or not. What to do??.

  • Thank you for the wonderful post. After I read it, I straightly bookmarked it, so I can keep on reading it time and time again when I get into a new relationship. I just recently broke up with someone, and it has really brought me down. I feel like my insecurity is the key problem why it ended. He has told me that I didn’t appreciate him enough and always focused on the negative. But I felt like I couldn’t help it because things he did like asking for space, and the vibe that he was overwhelmed by me drove me even more insecure. I’m trying to tackle this before I get into other relationship. Stop reading mind, stop inventing problems, and start appreciating are definitely on the top of my to-do list. I really feel guilty for what happens in the past, I wish I could handle it better, I wish I could treat him better as he had his own insecurities as well, but it’s gone. I want to try, and keep trying to make it right, but I can’t fix it. Maybe it’s for my future relationship… I hope.

  • This article described everything I was feeling. After I was done reading this article it made me realize how blessed I am to have my boyfriend. He is a great guy I was just so insecure to notice it. Thank you so much!

  • I’ve thought for a while, up until now, that I was through with insecurity. I convinced myself that I could never be anymore self-assured than I already am…That is, until I entered a relationship. It was a confidence boost, and still is sometimes. However, now that I’m in a committed relationship, I find myself constantly in fear that I’m going to do something to make him want to leave me. I’m just so accustomed to being left or just as bad, being valued for things that aren’t at the core of who I am. Then, I’m confronted by the fact of how stupid it is to think that way and how much he really does love me. Consequently, I end up feeling insecure over him noticing my insecurity.

    It’s gotten to where it has turned into a cycle and I have to figure out a a way to stop it. I’m sure it probably leads him to the idea that I don’t believe him when he says that he loves me. I do believe him, I just have a hard time feeling like I’m worth loving. I tend to believe I’ve just done a good job convincing him for now (I haven’t changed the way I act or who I am or anything like that), but that someday he’ll see the real me and wish he never told me that he loves me. This is a problem of my invention, I’m sure. It’s just one thing to know something in knowledge, and another to be completely assured. I just want to stop. I want to believe that I’m worth it.

  • I am at my wits end, my partner of 10 months is so insecure and accuses me of cheating all the time. I can say with hand on heart I have never cheated on him or anyone else in my life. He says his previous partner cheated on him and that is why he is like he is, but I have showed no signs of cheating. He even accuses me of cheating with my female friends that I have known for years and now hardly speak to because when I do I am sleeping with them, according to him, even though he fantasizes during sex about my female friends joining in or catching me with a stranger, which will never happen. He has even started clocking the mileage on the car to see if i am going anywhere else after I have taken him to work, i normally come straight home and do cleaning etc and don’t leave the house again till i have to fetch him. He has even made me delete Facebook so i cant talk to people on there. I only had a handful of friends but now I am lucky to have just a coupe that still talk to me.

    He says his past girlfriend did the same to him but was that all in his head too and did he self destruct that relationship too? He did tell me his parents cheated on each other and this had a big effect on him growing up and this is where I think his problems started but I don’t know how to help him and save our relationship. I have told him i can’t take it much longer because every time he accuses me he kills a bit of me and my love for him. Don’t get me wrong, I love him with all my heart but can’t go on like this.

    I need your help and advice before my relationship in completely ruined.
    Please someone help.

  • Thank you for this article! I have been with my partner for 7 years and love him dearly. I have my own insecurities and issues that I need to get through myself that I believe stem from a bad relationship and bullying throughout my teens. This has really given me something to think about - before it’s too late and he walks away.

  • @L: It’s him, not you. The best you can do is focus on being present. Do not attach yourself to his behavior. Do not resent him either; just carry on with presence and love… with or without him.

    Please do yourself a favor and read this book: Codependent No More

  • Reading this article has lifted a great deal of pressure off my chest. It has been five years since I’ve been in a relationship and now I am with this wonderful guy right now. Things were very sweet in the beginning like normal, the cute talks and texting. Then it slowed down…at this point my insecurities kicked in that I think is derived from my father. How he would always be there and then just disappear. It kicked in and I just wanted to talk to him every minute of every day even though I know it’s not possible. I left a stupid messages that made me sound desperate, and when I think about it now I don’t see how he didn’t just brake up with me right there. I talked to my friend right after I made the phone call and pointed out my insecurity. Awhile later my boyfriend called and asked what was up with the voicemail, I told him some of the issues and he was OK with it I guess. Nothing much has changed, I’ll be seeing him tomorrow and explain a little more. I just hope he understands and we can work this out.

    Thank you so much for this article, it has helped me look at myself and see what I need to work on.

  • I don’t know why need to read minds with my girlfriend. I don’t know who to blame. I guess i should know how to follow tip number 1, 4 and 5. :|

  • Why hasn’t she called? Why doesn’t she say the things I want to hear exactly how I want her to say them? Do I matter to her? These are the thoughts that plague me daily. Recently divorced, 46, wondering what I have to offer and though I have found a good partner I fear I will sabotage it with my insecurity. Vanessa’s post above sounded too familiar. Many of them do. I hope everyone reads the 75 Relationship Quotes ( http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/08/17/75-relationship-quotes-to-live-by/ ) from this blog. I copied a bunch of them and read them daily to get me off the ledge!

  • I married my high school sweetheart and that’s not always common. I’ve struggled with constant negativity around me about how my relationship won’t survive because we were so young and we haven’t experienced anything with anyone else. We have been married 8yrs this year and together 10. He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met and he teaches me how to love. Everyday. We’ve definitely had our growing pains but any advice on how to not feel insecure because I’m “not doing what everyone else my age is doing?” I tend to make myself unhappy with the feeling of missing out due to constant shock that I’ve only been with one man, unlike everyone else I know.

  • I’ve managed to walk out of the relationship where he treated me like nothing. I accepted another guy who is awesome, loving and caring. He has this positive energy with him. In this 10 months of our relationship I now realize I am often the one to blame when quarrel occurs. All my previous relationships made me so insecure… I find it hard to trust in a relationship. He have been doing everything to make sure I feel secure in this relationship, but my heart keeps on telling me that he will eventually leave me one day. He’s about to go to other country with the Army and I heard that they could go to bars and things like that. When I first heard that, the thought of him getting drunk and have another woman in the bed just kept appearing in my mind. I’m tired of being insecure, but I dunno what to do and it’s actually spoiling our relationship. Hope to receive some replies…

  • Loved the article. Makes sense.

    Insecurity becomes a part of my relationship when my guy starts giving more preference to his “guy time”, which kind off annoys me. Although he makes sure he meets me too, but it makes me feel like there was a possibility of spending more time if he had not been with his “guys”.

    Not sure if its the lack of confidence/self-esteem issues, or insecurity or I just fail to understand men.

  • Dear Anonymous (Jan 21st),

    I’m in a similar situation.

    For me it’s a new relationship with someone I think is wonderful, both inside and out. Like you (though different genders), she enjoys spending time with the girls and I get the wanting to go out with the girls. It’s when going out with the girls turns into a group of friends, girls and guys, that makes me feel left out, unwanted or like she doesn’t want to be seen with me.

    She does make time for me, but it would make me feel better if we had a night out together, with or without her friends.

    Since it’s a fairly new relationship I’m truly afraid to ask how she feels or share with her how I feel.

    Any insight, from anyone, is much appreciated.

  • Thank you. This article helped me a lot.

  • You can’t really love someone else until you love yourself.

  • I’m trying very hard to stop my insecurities. My past relationship messed me up. I found new love and I’m being insecure. I don’t want to lose my baby. What do I do?

  • I have dealt with insecurities for a very long time. I’ve realized that my insecurities are a major cost of why my relationships ended,previously before the one I’m in now. I want to take control of myself and these thoughts that is ruining me. My fiancé went away to college and I feel now is the best time to tackle my insecurities and build my self-confidence up, so I won’t continue to feel like she’s doing things behind my back. And to know that things are alright or at least will be.

  • Stumbled across this after someone recommended reading it. Numerous points hit home. ‘Stop inventing problems that don’t exist’ goes hand in hand with ‘Stop focusing on the negatives’. It’s particularly destructive when you let yourself believe those problems that you ‘invent’. Recognize that thoughts are…just that . They’re not reality. Don’t let fear and anxiety over the unknown rule the day. Once you recognize those insecure ‘worst case scenario’ thoughts, acknowledge and accept them. We all have them. I started replacing each of them with positive, constructive thought and boy what a difference it’s making in my life. It’s quite liberating. Point being, we don’t really have a choice about which thoughts pop up but we do have the choice to turn them around enabling a constructive rather destructive outcome. Make it happen.

  • I don’t know how to feel about the situation I am in. Last year I got out of a 10 year, very straining relationship. I loved him dearly but he lost his ambition and drive to better himself, and I tried the best I could to help him. It resulted in me dragging myself down and forgetting what is right for me. Six months later I met the guy that I am with now, and he was a breath of fresh air. He is everything that I have ever wanted, outgoing, fun, carefree, had great confidence, a true gentleman. Three months of what it felt like a perfect time went by then he changed for the worst and we started fighting. He drank every day and I just wanted him to slow down. We got through it and we were working on bettering ourselves and being productive and positive.

    I have only been with three guys before, he on the other hand was very promiscuous and had many, many relationships. He still talks to his ex’s too which is really uncomfortable for me, because they are all still in love with him. One of his ex’s just won’t back off, sending nasty photos and saying things like you know you want me back. It really bothers me. We talked about it he said he would stop talking to her, and I believed him but now 9 months down the line he is still talking to her and lying to me about it. He said he didn’t want to hurt my feelings so he didn’t tell me. I can accept the truth but I don’t want to find out the way I did. I was up late one night studying and he was asleep next to me with his phone right there. It just so happened I see a message from her when I glanced down, and he has an iPhone so it just comes on the screen. Well ever since then I can’t stop looking at his phone, and I feel like crap for doing it.

    We have these off and on months where things are great then I find out he lied about something stupid and we get into huge fights. He tried to turn it around on me saying I’m the bad guy but I just want him to stop talking to her and lying to me about it. I’m not perfect either I know I have problems with my ex of ten years but I am always honest with him about situations. What should I do? I see it in his eyes that he loves me, and I do him. I just get in my head and can’t understand why he continues to hurt me like that.

  • Hello everyone,

    I’ve been in a relationship for a year now. I feel embarrassed that I have to research online about being insecure and how to overcome it because I believe it is possible. My mate is the same way, we are both insecure about each other. I hate the feeling, it really disgusts me. We know we love each other and we don’t have anything between us that would keep us together besides really loving each other and sharing a future together. Reading the story above made me feel like we are not alone. I had a terrible childhood and was told I was worthless and would never be anything. I have no relationship with my mother or father. I often wonder if I’m letting my pain enter my relationship. I know him and I have both been betrayed in the past with other relationships. I was married before and I was cheated on while pregnant and I’m scared to death for it to happen again. We do not share children together but he is good to mine and we are great together but we constantly go to war over being insecure. Any advice from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

  • I’m sabotaging my relationship right now, making up problems and getting myself worked up, thinking I have to break up and then also thinking I’m making everything bad. Every time I fall in love I also get really scared and lose self confidence. I’m working on just letting things be.

  • Related to #2, also- the things we don’t like or want to accept about others are often things we don’t like about ourselves being reflected back to us. When I first heard that theory it was a big wake up call. I realize now its usually very true and not only does it help me see myself better but it’s easier to be more accepting and compassionate towards others instead of judging their flaws. Great article! Thanks M&A :)

  • Remember, the past is non-exsistent compared to the present, and time is measured out by the memories which are percieved thru the beholder’s filters; so holding onto labels and a false sense of identity thru our experiences and the way we’ve always done things only allows us to insanely repeat the same patterns.

  • Marc and Angel, this post helped me realize my flaws in being insecure. I’m insecure about my girlfriend male friends. Because she tells me that they were friends before she met me and that’s all fine, but when I notice her attitude stated to change, i felt like things were starting to take a turn for the worst. So I looked thru her phone and send some messages. And that saying, “if you go looking for it, you’ll find it” proved me right. I seen some messages that looked like they were flirting with each other. And looking at the time frame, she’s texting things to this make friend that I don’t even get anymore. Like telling him “hope you have a good day at work” and good morning greetings to this guy. And its day and nite. Even when I’m at work and need her to talk to me sometimes, she’s texting her male friend. I know because I seen the time frames in her messages. I really just got curious and wanted to find out what’s going on. My girlfriend tells me that there’s nothing going on, and I have nothing to worry about. I trust her, I really do. But when she started acting different, that made me think of the worst. I told her what I thought of it and she couldn’t justify it. What do you think I should do? She keeps telling me that nothing is going on but my insecurities are getting the best of me right now. Please help.

  • Hi. Thank you for the wonderful article. In my current relationship, my boyfriend has been wonderful and so caring in so many ways. We’ve been dating two months and suddenly I think I am seeing a change. He isn’t calling me as much, not saying some of the things he used to, etc. He made an extraordinary deal of my birthday and made it the most special Id ever had. Now with the change in his behavior, I’ve began to contradict what we have and what might have changed. Almost bringing my ex husbands faults into play. I’ve watched myself do this in the past and ruin great things. I want to do everything I can to avoid doing that. I need to just be honest with him and tell him something is lacking and that’s why I am feeling this way. Or ask him straight forward, has something changed? Or are you just more comfortable with me now and don’t feel the need to do all those things anymore? If I don’t get this out, it will end up being even worse later. Any thoughts you guys?

  • Omg everything you’ve just said my husband called me out on it last week. I’ve been insecure my whole life and the only time I wasn’t, I didn’t care about anyone or anything you or your feelings didn’t matter to me. I just didn’t want to be that person again so I turned into my own worst enemy. Thanks for the article, it was great will try to implement this into my life.

  • Thank you Marc, your post is just what I was looking for. I’m happy that it is helpful for me, but so many other people too!

  • I will try to keep to the basics and keep this as short as I can… I’m 47 years old, I’ve been completely single for the past 12 or 13 years and TOTALLY independent, I maybe dated once every 2 or 3 years during this time but usually one or two dates is all I allowed and then I brushed them off, one time it lasted for a whole month (wow, I was on a roll lol) but that one ended at his request. Now, I am currently in a relationship, a real one, it’s been about 5 months now, he even put a ring on my finger and we hope to get married next year. My problem is not only that I am insecure and overly cautious but i also have zero tolerance for the rare arguments that occur. I am trying so hard not to run when this happens because this man has rapidly become the most important person in my life and I love him beyond measure but I am finding it increasingly difficult not to run when we have a fight. And though I try not to say hurtful things when we do fight (I use to do this bad in my relationships when I was younger) the man I am currently with has a tendency to say things that really hurt and after the fight is over I have a HUGE problem trying to forget and move past the things said even though I know he didn’t mean it. It consumes me and I fear it will eventually control me and I will wind up walking away from the most amazing person to ever come into my life. I don’t know what to do……… I need advice and I would rather it come from a stranger than someone I know…. Help me.

  • Pam,
    you need to decide if you want to be right or in a relationship. You will make mistakes. Do you want grace at those times? If so, you have to be willing to forgive and be forgiven. Being vulnerable is scary, but worth it and necessary to make marriage work. Best wishes.

    I can speak from experience. I’m married for 28 years and going strong.

  • I found this article helpful thank you. I was in a bad past relationship that shattered my confidence and trust, I took a break from dating for two years and I have been in therapy for the last two years and it has helped tremendously. I think the most difficult thing for me has been to learn to trust myself again and I am still getting there!!

    I am also in a wonderful new relationship, which I am in constant fear of destroying because of my difficulties in trusting this new person and in my tendency to catastrophise and imagine the worst. But I have learned that taking risks with your heart again is worth it but it is not easy at all. I recently read something that said you should not look for constant verbal reassurance or validation from your partner and that it must come from within, and from an objective evaluation of the way the person treats you.

    I have a tendency to worry and run every positive things my partner has said to ease my insecurities- but reading this has made me try to stop doing that actively. I understand now that you can’t know everything your partner is thinking, if they don’t tell you everything it doesn’t mean they are lying, and constantly questioning someone’s trustworthiness in turn, makes them question if they can trust you to stay with them.

    You can’t invest in a relationship, or be happy and intimate without trust, and if it doesn’t come naturally, you have to work at it. You can’t control everything to stay safe, if someone will hurt you it is about them, not you.

    Also it is very hard to work at trust and nothing is perfect, but you also need to learn to trust yourself and know when someone is not treating you properly. So I think I am going to try to be happy and thankful for the person I have, because he is wonderful, and not at all like my ex- it’s time to let that part of me go. Thank you for your help.

  • This was an eye opener! I am currently in a relationship and I do not want to be the one who ruins it because I am so insecure! This article like slapped me in the face and made me realize that I do everything! I never knew I was so insecure until I read this! Thank you for the eye opening experience! I hope I am not too late and can fix my issue and keep the man I love.

  • Wow, I’m reading through this entire article and it explains exactly what I do, to the T! This helped a lot. Thank you so much.

  • This really helped me recognise a lot of things about myself. I have previously been cheated on and the relationship I am in now is suffering because of it. We split some months ago and whilst on a break he saw his ex girlfriend, we have been amazing since being back together however she text him the other day and he was completely honest with me about it but now everytime his phone goes off I feel sick. I feel like he’s acting differently with me but I’m not sure if I’m overthinking it. He said to me last night that I’m so worried about things going shit that I’m making them shit. I’m turning into a psycho!! He’s been online on whatsapp loads tonight and im convinced it’s to her. I’m thinking of walking away to save the hurt that could come from him leaving me for her? I’m stumped and feel so low!!!

  • Amazing article. Completely uplifting and insightful.

    Looking forward to the next.

  • I have been married for 25 years. My wife has always been insecure. I feel like I have to have to have an explanation for everything I do. It is to the point where I won’t even talk about the things I would like to do, cause of the negativity I know she will respond with. I feel like I’m on eggshells almost continuously. I have to account for every dime I spend. I have never given here a reason for any of her feelings. Well maybe the money, but not really, I’m careful about the way I spend and do a lot of research before spending and always try and find the best deal I can.

    Forget about doing anything with friends of mine. She has got a little better over the past couple of years, but not much. I am at a loss for what to do. She would never agree to counseling or anything like that. Now with menopause years beginning I am concerned that is may get worse. It is to the point to where I’m actually reluctant to talk about things I would like to do, or things we could do. I have friends that go on week long hunting trips, play in bands, golf, bowl or whatever with the guys and I think “man how cool would that be”. I think about it, but would never bring it up, cause I know I would be scorned just for mentioning it. I guess sooner or later, I’m just going to have to man up and say what I want to say, and just take the heat of the argument that is sure to ensue. I’ve been as patient as I possibly can. I honestly think most guys in my shoes may have thrown in the towel a long time ago.

    Perhaps I’m selfish, but do not feel at my age I need to have to provide a detailed reason for wanting to do something. I would never leave her, and I would never cheat. Just wish more than anything that she would say something like “that’s a great idea honey, go for it” other than, why do you want to do that, you know it wont work out” or “that will cost money” or “Are you going through an age crisis”!! “You are not 18 anymore” “If that’s what you want to do then, do it” ” If you’re not happy, I’m sorry I’m not the perfect wife”, “If that’s what you want to do then, fine”. All comments of course which lead me to do nothing because of the feeling of guilt she leaves me with.

  • I want to thank you for writing this article. It helped me feel better about a lot of things! The mind can be a very scary place, but once you can gain control and remember that all is well, well you are golden.

  • Over the past 7 years, I was having relationship with wrong guys (eg: he had a girlfriend already, he had drinking issues, and so on). Somehow I picked to be with those scumbags rather than better guys who wanted to be with me. My psychologist friends said I was self-sabotaging myself yet I know that’s true. By the time I met the guy I thought Mr. Right (and this one really was a good noble man) and we got engaged, he left without any explanation. This event surely traumatized me and made my insecurities get worse.

    After the last relationship, I tried to engage and get closure with a few guys but it never worked. In some cases, I thought those men were under my criteria while in some others, they’re just too good to be true to like someone like me.

    Currently I finally decided to start a relationship again after 3 years. Despite his imperfections, I like him. While not only he but almost everyone says I’m too good to be true for him, now it’s still me who feel less vulnerable in this relationship. I’m having constant nightmares and obsessive thoughts that this relationship somehow will end up badly.

    I read your post, sadly I did pretty much of those five wrong actions you told and still do. Even though I realized things you wrote are true, I still can’t get over it. Do you think I need a professional help?

  • Hi. I’m dating a guy who’s 20 years my junior! He’s very sweet and loyal. He’s a martial arts trainer and trains a group of girls. In fact that’s where we met and clicked. I’ve stopped going because I can’t see him training other girls and it drives me crazy to think what could happen there. I hate feeling this way because I trust him and I know he enjoys this thoroughly. I can’t stop thinking and it’s sabotaging my relationship with him.

  • This really spoke to me at a time when I am having insecurities… not because the relationship is bad, or I don’t trust him, but because the insecurities get the better of me sometimes now that we are in a long distance relationship. Reading this stuff helps a lot :)

  • This is in response to Leslie (I only just recently found this site so forgive me for it being so long from your original reply). I too am very very insecure in my relationship, with someone who is very loving and accepting of my “dark sides” as he has some too. But more often than not I find myself inventing things that he is doing, and those thoughts get VERY dark, perverted and twisted. He has finally been able to understand, I would rather create the problem that doesn’t exist, destroy what is good, be the one to end whatever is going good in my life, so that it won’t hurt as much, when the inevitable end comes. At least that is what I tell myself. My problem is I don’t know WHY I feel this way and do these things. I am very thankful that I have found this site as it is very inspiring. I hope it can help me as it seems to have helped you!

  • @Bill: I am your wife so to speak. I am sure that what you are feeling is exactly how I have made my husband feel, and it hurts me knowing that I have caused him to feel that way as I am sure it hurts your wife too. We do not choose to be this way, but we can choose to get to the bottom of these feelings and change it. I applaud you for hanging in there with her through this, just as my husband has chosen to do, but at some point you will have had enough. What we are doing is not fair to either of you. I have chosen to get to the bottom of my insecurities and work on building a loving and trusting relationship with my husband…be the wife that he deserves and the woman that I deserve to be. I wish you the best of luck!

  • I’m struggling with age - my skin is changing yearly and I’m panicking - my partner says he doesn’t want to be with anyone else but when we’re out, at the gym, at the supermarket, on the beach, and he sees an attractive woman he doesn’t stop looking at them - it makes me feel so sh..t and I think that he only wants to be with me as it’s convenient and he wants/wishes he could have the women he’s staring at! I wish I could stop feeling like this. Your article has helped a little, thank you.

  • This article helped me so much! I am guilty of creating problems that don’t exist. I have been through a tough divorce, from an abusive husband, and am currently in a new relationship. It happened a lot sooner than I expected but it’s caused me to really evaluate myself as a person. As a result, I’ve actually been able to point out my insecurities. I have discovered that I am afraid someone I love will see my shortcomings and realize that I don’t have it all together, then get rid of me because of it. I fear that I am not put together enough to be loved. The man I am with now has never made me feel that way and it’s solely me imposing my negative thoughts on him. Understanding where my anxiety comes from has helped me to work through it. Thank you so much for this article! It made me realize that I am not alone!

  • Thanks for this. I have just - at the age of 28 - realised I’m insecure in my relationships. I noticed it after I hit a massive attachment panic very quickly during very early dating and acted like a crazy woman. It was deeply disturbing, I didn’t feel like I was in control. But I’ve now read up on preoccupied attachment and read through diaries which have shown me that I have in fact been insecure in all of my relationships - picking up on ’signs’ they will leave etc. - and even though I’ve known it’s irrational at the time (I knew I was being irrational this time too…) I have still allowed it to affect me. My anxiety does not concern itself with cheating or trust issues (I’ve never been jealous etc, I have always trusted my partners). It’s seems to stem from a feeling that I might mess up - or I have messed up (in bizarre ways I invent to match my anxiety). This makes total sense considering my childhood. I was very clingy with my mother as a child (father entirely emotionally absent if physically present), and she has attachment issues of the same flavour as mine but much more extreme. She would be very affectionate up until I ‘did something wrong’ and then I would punished severely. Something wrong could even just include me not getting an A at school, or forgetting something. Then she would snap and I would be disproportionately punished.

    I’m glad I can now spot the insecurity in me because, oddly, I couldn’t remember any of it. If I hadn’t have read back on my diaries I would have swore blind that I had never wanted to be closer than my partners wanted (that sounds claustrophic to me), and that I had always absolutely trusted in my partner’s love for me. Apparently not, although my behaviour must have been very controlled and I must not have been excessive in my needs with the other person because all of my relationships have been long and stable, I have rarely been left (I normally leave eventually), and no one has ever described me as clingy or needy (although technically, I’d say I am).

    What puzzles me is WHY I’m insecure. I consider myself to be intelligent, capable, independent (at least I am when I’m single…), kind, fun, adventurous, exciting, successful, good-looking, empathic, quick-witted, likeable and unique. I would love to go out with me! In fact, the only thing I don’t like about myself is how weakened I become by men (and I’m hoping to change that). I can only assume I learned insecurity in my relationships with my parents and it is automatically brought up by romantic relationships.

    My plan is to be consistently more assertive and outgoing in all areas of my life to continue building self esteem. When I meet someone new, I’m going to leave reminders everywhere to myself to be assertive, and that I’m proven to be perfectly capable of handling my emotions by myself so that I’m not ‘afraid’ of the pain of leaving them. I’m also going to leave reminders that there are millions of men in the world and many of them will be right for me (I often think I am only compatible with a select few, but this is irrational).

    I hope it works because my self esteem drops when I am in relationships and improves when I’m single. I want to reverse that trend. I also want to have children one day and would not want to pass this misery on!

  • My partner is extremely insecure…although we have only been together for 2 months, we are starting to bicker over the smallest things in the last week. He straight away ended it because of this . He thinks that if we are fighting now, then the relationship just won’t work. I’ve told him countless times that no relationship is perfect, and it’s up to us to work with each other to make it work. We’ve hardly had enough time to adjust to each other. He is extremely insecure and he knows this but still stands his ground. He only notices the negatives and seems to forget how well we connect mentally… How compatible we are……how much we smile and laugh when we’re together. I know what we have is special. His insecurities are blinding him to all this.

    This article has helped me so much. Hopefully once I show this to him, it will open his eyes and make him change his mind.

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