“Behind every beautiful thing, there’s some kind of pain.”
?Bob Dylan
At some point, you will come to realize that living the good life involves some amount of necessary pain, and that there are more flavors of pain than ice cream and coffee combined…
There’s the little empty pain of leaving something behind ? graduating, taking the next step, walking out of a familiar, safe situation and into the excitement of the unknown. There’s the giant, whirling pain of life upsetting all of your big plans and expectations. There’s the little sharp pains of making a mistake, and the more obscure aches of success, when it doesn’t make you feel as good as you thought it would. There are the vicious, backstabbing pains of betrayal. The sweet little pains of finding others who are worthy of your time, giving them your love, and taking joy in their life as they grow and learn. There’s the steady pain of empathy that you shrug off so you can stand beside a wounded friend or lover and help them face their problems.
And on the best of days, there are the subtle, tingling pains you feel throughout your body when you realize that you’re standing in a moment of sweet perfection, an instant of great achievement, or happiness, or laughter, which at the same time cannot possibly last ? and yet will remain with you for the rest of your life.
Everyone is down on pain, and when we experience it we usually say we’re having a bad day, because we forget something important about what we’re going through: Pain is for the living – for those of us who still have the chance of a lifetime. Only the dead don’t feel it, because their time is already up.
So with this in mind, here are twelve smart ways to turn all your daily wounds into wisdom and strength:
- Admit to your emotional pain, so you can deal with it and heal. – Emotional pain is less dramatic than physical pain, at least from the outside looking in, but it is more common and also more difficult to bear than broken bones. The frequent attempt to conceal emotional pain increases the burden. Don’t do this to yourself. Sure, it is easier to say, “My leg is aching” than to say, “My heart is broken,” but that doesn’t mean your heart needs less self-care then your leg. If fact, the exact opposite is true.
- Let go of what used to be and no longer is. – When you realize that none of it is yours – that you don’t get to claim or even keep any of it in the end – and when you’re willing to let go of attaching to anything you consider “mine,” you’re suddenly free. There’s no need to grip or grasp. Yet, one of the hardest lessons in life is letting go – whether it’s possessions, obsessions, anger, love or loss. Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go. But letting go is always the healthiest path forward. It clears out toxic attachments and thoughts from the past. You’ve got to emotionally free yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond the past and the pain it brings you. Again, it takes hard work to let go and refocus your thoughts, but it’s worth every bit of effort you can muster.
- Emotionally detach yourself from your problems. – You are a living, breathing human being who is infinitely more complex than all of your individual problems added up together. And that means you’re more powerful than them – you have the ability to change them, and to change the way you feel about them. (Read Loving What Is
.) - View every challenge as an educational assignment. – Ask yourself: “What is this situation meant to teach me?” Every situation in our lives has a lesson to teach us. Some of these lessons include: To become stronger. To communicate more clearly. To trust your instincts. To express your love. To forgive. To know when to let go. To try something new, learn something new, and never look back.
- Ask yourself more positive questions. – If you ask negative questions, you will get negative answers. There are no positive answers to, “Why me?” “Why didn’t I?” “What if?” etc. Would you allow someone else to ask you the demoralizing questions you sometimes ask yourself? I doubt it. So stop and swap them for questions that push you in a positive direction. For instance, “What can I do right now to move forward?”
- Make small adjustments as you figure out what works and what doesn’t. – A big part of your life is a result of the choices you make. If you don’t like some part of your life, then it is time to start making changes and better choices. This change may not be easy, but it is possible. Habits that keep us stuck in life are made in each moment, day by day. Undoing these habits takes the same exact path. Focus on the small things you can do right now, not the big things you can’t. These small daily changes add up to huge results in the end. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Goals and Success” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Keep putting one foot in front of the other. – Winston S. Churchill once said, “If you are going through hell, keep going.” In other words, never, never, never give in! The brick walls in life are there for a reason. They are not there to keep you out. They are there to give you a chance to show how badly you want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it as badly as you do. They are there to stop the other people.
- Keep calm and focus on the positive. – The realist sees reality as concrete. The OPTIMIST sees reality as clay. Be the optimist and mold the clay your way. Take what you’ve learned and build something new. In other words, don’t see the difficulties in today’s opportunities, see the opportunities in today’s difficulties. Write it on your heart that today is a chance of a lifetime. And remember that there is always a reason to celebrate. Slowing down long enough to celebrate the small victories creates momentum and inspiration to keep on keepin’ on. I encourage my coaching clients and friends to celebrate every little thing, every chance they get.
- Consciously nurture your inner hope. – There’s a saying in Tibetan, “Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.” No matter what sort of difficulties, or how painful an experience is, if you lose your hope, that’s your real tragedy. So remember, a loss, a worry, an illness, a dream crushed – no matter how deep your hurt or how high your aspirations, do yourself a favor and pause at least once a day, place your hands over your heart and say aloud, “Hope lives here.”
- Remind yourself that you are not alone. – To lose sleep worrying about a friend. To have trouble picking yourself up after someone lets you down. To feel like less because someone didn’t love you enough to stay. To be afraid to try something new for fear that you will fail. None of this means you’re dysfunctional or crazy. It just means you’re human, and that you need a little time to right yourself. You are not alone. No matter how embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your own situation, there are others out there experiencing the same emotions. When you hear yourself say, “I am all alone,” it is your mind trying to sell you a lie.
- Pay less attention to other people’s opinions of you. – The truth is that what people say and do to you is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds and experiences. Whether someone thinks you’re amazing, or believes you’re terrible, again, is more about them. I am not suggesting we should be narcissists and ignore all feedback, but I am saying that too much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from taking things personally. In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinions of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide. (Read The Four Agreements.)
- Embrace the new, stronger version of YOU. – You are not who you used to be, and that’s okay. You’ve been hurt; you’ve gone through numerous ups and downs that have made you who you are today. Over the years, so many things have happened – things that have changed your perspective, taught you lessons, and forced your spirit to grow. As time passes, nobody stays the same, but some people will still tell you that you have changed. Respond to them by saying, “Of course I’ve changed. That’s what life is all about. I’m still the same human being, just a little stronger now than I ever was before.”
.)
.)Afterthoughts
Remember, strength doesn’t come from comfort; it comes from stretching your comfort zone and overcoming all the things you once thought you couldn’t handle. When you find yourself at your most painful points in life, you are open to the greatest positive change.
In the end, the strongest people are the ones who feel pain, accept it, learn from it, and fight through it.
They turn their wounds into wisdom and strength.
The floor is yours…
How have you turned your wounds into wisdom and strength? What’s one painful situation that ultimately made you stronger? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.
Toby S. says
Redemption through suffering is a reality. Until I spent 34 days in jail for theft in my early twenties, I hadn’t realized how good I had it on the outside. I read somewhere that I could look at my existence as a rider on a chariot driven by horses. The horses are my emotions, the chariot is my body, the the rider me, represents my willpower, my mind. I can’t just let the horses go anywhere they want, or I won’t get where I want to go…I have to take care of the chariot or it’s going to break down…my willpower, my mind, is what needs to be in control to tell the horses where to go… in other words, keep my emotions in check and also help me take care of my body, in order to get to where I want to go in life.
Liz says
You guys are so refreshing. I love reading your posts. They help me in so many ways, but right now I’m dealing with the loss of a close friend. It’s the way you articulate these important principles that just resonates so well. You are helping me get through this sad time.
Also, I just bought your book last week and I’m already loving it – a great offline reference. I intend to place two more orders to give as birthday gifts this month. Thank you 🙂
Charlie says
I was physically, emotionally, intellectually abused as a kid. My step-mom was not a good person. I survived damaged until I left the house in my mid-teens, but that experience started my lifelong journey of spiritual and personal growth. One thing I began to see as I started working on my self is that sometimes tools for life are gathered long before I needed them. During the abuse, I learned to be invisible – not be in the same room as abuser, not to make noise while abuser was in the same room, to get out of the house as soon as I could after school and on weekends, and much more. In a peak experience one day, I realized that, during the abusive time, I was developing my critical thinking skills and creativity and exploring skills – all skills that I use everyday. The silver lining from the gray cloud. Love your site!
Joe says
Thank you team Marc and Angel.
Marian says
I look at myself and realize I am not my mistakes and I can go as far as I want to go in my life. I find myself forgetting the beginning of where I started and how much more passion I had before I experienced some road blocks. And I really needed this today… you don’t even know how much this has helped. You guys a true blessing while I heal. I am taking it one day at a time to become the best me possible.
Hulda Wood says
I would like to buy your book. Where can I find it in bookstores?
Lindy Lew says
So often I wake up to these posts and it is as if you know what I needed to hear. I’m printing this post and keeping it near me today for easy reference. You rock. Thanks so much.
me says
I lost at love, had worked hard to keep it and now work hard to forget. And I realize she was trying to get rid of me for some time, but I was so trusting, I did not see. I regret the loss, I regret my trying so hard, I regret so much. I adored her. Now, I just focus on “keeping going”. And hope time is my friend.
Pat Sweeney says
Just wanted to tell you this was a particularly good and helpful post. Thanks for what you do.
Nancy says
Dear @me, in time you’ll be grateful. To be with someone who doesn’t really love you is just extended pain. I had the same experience, and it took years, but now I am so grateful that I didn’t get what I wanted. It would have been awful in the end. Take care of yourself. Someday someone worthy of your awesomeness will come into your life, but meanwhile, enjoy the sunshine of your unique self and find some happiness in each day. There is so much around us to be happy about if we really look for it!
Janet says
I cherish your posts daily, they are helpful in my recovery and augment it. I wish I could purchase your book however finances are tight at the moment. I will rely on your daily posts for now, however, when things improve it’s on the top of my book list. Thank you and keep up the amazing message.
Melissa Wilson says
What a great post! We can’t always control the things that happen to us. There will be things that cause us pain, but we can choose what we do with that. We can focus on that hurt and get stuck or we can try to turn that into wisdom and strength, as you say. For myself, I was bullied as a child but I’ve been able to use that hurt and turn my wounds into something that has made me stronger today as a result. It can take time, and that’s the difficult part, but it is absolutely possible.
Archana Sharma says
I visit your blog regularly, enjoy your writings. It gives me so much of strength to keep going in the difficult times. Your site and your work is a blessing. Thank you very much for all the great support!
Andrew Sieh Nyeswah says
I would like to appreciate you for the post. It is very inspiring and touching to me. Besides, it serves as a guide for me.
Mary Ann says
I’ve been going a tremendously stressful period in my life as a caregiver, and I this quote just popped out at me from someone’s post somewhere (you know you follow a link, to another link, to and then to another, and you suddenly find yourself off the beaten track). I had been struggling horribly since Saturday (when a few incidents happened) and I had just basically dropped out of life since then. This quote hit me between the eyes – and I suddenly realized that this was what I had been struggling with so intensely but couldn’t put a name to it. Here it is: ” “Sorry” works when a mistake is made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting and trusting again is sometimes impossible.” I was able to hand this to the person whom broke my trust and my heart because he makes deliberate decisions to not be truthful, and let him know that I will walk beside him when mistakes happen, but not when trust is broken. It was very liberating to me to have that “aha” moment – that this is what I was experiencing but not able to define. Your post today is very helpful in the fact that “when you’re going through hell, keep going”.
Debbie says
Thank you Charlie for your vulnerability. I am also going thru a similar situation. “His” secret has been kept in my internal vault for 44 years and I realize now after talking to a therapist about emotional eating that I have to acknowledge the pain & give it back to the true owner once and for all. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I see the positive results already starting to happen. Learning coping skills is what I focus on now and I know now that truth really does set you free!
David Rapp says
Another great post, thanks!
Pascale says
Thank you Marc & Angel. I’ve been getting your emails for a few months now, and so often they seem to arrive just at the right time with the right message. You are helping me so much. Weekend before last a relationship ended where I was not shown much respect, but somehow I was addicted, couldn’t let go. I let it push me down the road of even lower self-esteem. Now I am “licking my wounds” and this post is a very precious reference read. I am also touched by the posts of fellow “sufferers”- indeed, we’re not alone, and with the love and dedication of people like the two of you, healing can happen.
Robin says
@Hulda: Check at Amazon – You can also order the book directly from Marc and Angel’s website… ( https://www.marcandangel.com/book/ ) Good Luck !!
I Love Marc and Angel – They Both are an inspiration to me – They are a Part of My Every Day Life !!
<3 <3
gaurav says
Superb!
Krista Bartel says
Thank You, Marc,
for that very concise reminder of what most of us know deep-down, but often resist.
Fa says
Amazing!
You guys bring so much positivity and hopes with your posts. Simply love them from the bottom of my heart and it really helps. It’s not always easy but one should learn to maintain their strength and my life is not easy at all but whenever I read your posts it soothes my heart no matter how hard the situation is.
Thank You So Much Guys ?
AReasonToSucceed says
I’m grateful for the discovery that my Mother is a narcissist. At first, it caused an enormous amount of conflict and derailed my life, but it cleared up the pain and confusion I had for many years that replicated in other areas (work, relationships). After a lot of personal inner work, and sadly a very painful and expensive time with a terrible therapist (a published expert on my issue, who financially and emotionally exploited me), I came to place of acceptance and understanding. I’m now working on my life situation to get to a place of autonomy and peace.
Maggie says
I don’t often take time to read your posts. Today I needed it though and so I read.
Here is hope! I’m struggling on my own after a long marriage that failed. Trying to find my nitch in the working world and struggling with that also. My new position is very demanding and I’m not being as successful in it as quickly as my boss thinks I should be. I’m a good person and working my darnedest to do the job right. He is making me doubt myself and that will not help me succeed. I need to use what I know and push beyond his criticism. Hard works sometimes is not enough but in this case I have to dig deeper and work harder. Thank you.
Mary Lou Green says
Thanks for this post, Marc. I especially like your beginning description of all the various types of pain we experience. I printed it out and put it in my journal.
One of my ground-shaking pains occurred when my husband and I lost our small business and home to foreclosure. The national accounting firm we’d hired and trusted to prepare our financials made errors in how they did our cost accounting that led to huge cash flow problems. I learned that I can’t just trust a professional to do a job and turn everything over to them because it seems easier than learning it myself. I need to overcome the resistance to learning something new and become competent. After this happened I learned accounting and how to understand financials, and that has made me a better partner and business owner. It seems more painful to me to make the same mistakes again than to make new ones.
AJ Walton says
Emotional detachment from problems is a key idea for me, I find that when we’re able to get outside our own head and look from a place of impartiality, things becomes much more clear and much less painful.
I find the question “what would I tell a friend in this exact situation” is useful…ends up becoming my blg content at the very least.
Debbi says
Amazing post…especially the pay less attention to other people’s opinion part.
Lindy Allen says
We lost our only child, Sean, physically…..I feel his spirit all the time!!….we started a non-profit….the Sean Allen Challenge in his memory…..we help people with disabilities….Sean had Cerebral Palsy but died of cancer……it has proven to be a lifesaver for me….I have seen the goodness in people, their empathy and support has meant the world to my husband and me….Sean’s spirit lives on!!!
serenity pratt says
THANK YOU SO MUCH. I NEEDED THIS!
Vanessa Jimenez says
Thank you. I can’t express how much this helped me this morning as I laid in bed ruminating about what went wrong and why me? I will turn my day around today and I am thankful for the wisdom I have gained from my pain.
Garrett says
It’s very rare, well for me at least, but occasionally you read or experience something that is exactly…EXACTLY…what you need at the present moment, and reading this article was one of those moments for me. Obviously I’m not alone (as the article itself states) but to borrow an overused cliche, it really feels as if the stars aligned to provide me this state of mind I now have. Anyways, just really wanted to say thanks for the perspective.
Angusp says
Very helpful, great too see so many strong people willing to learn and grow. Inspired!!!
Michael Gregory II says
Great insightful post!
As I was going through it, I remember a few personal experiences where it was hard to deal with at first, but overtime turned out to be great lessons to learn from. Oftentimes, we see a situation as horrible and it could be at the time; but we learn to overcome them and add experience and strength into our minds.
We may not know how to do everything, but we learn through trial and error. This is how many people decide to simply give up rather than continuing on with their dreams. They don’t use the strength they picked up in the past the guide them to their future.
Joanna says
What a great article!!! I couldn’t agree more that pain is just a natural state of living so it is really refreshing to read your views on it.
How I see it is that we are living in a society where people are obliged to feel good at all times and experiencing “negative” emotion such as fear, sadness or anger is something we try to avoid at any cost. But as you rightfully stated, “The frequent attempt to conceal emotional pain increases the burden”. Unfortunately I see many people (including me not that long time ago!) beating themselves up for having “negative” feelings and forgetting that all emotions are there for a reason. All we have to do is to notice them, accept them and learn from them. But as we are living in a world of a constant pursuit of happiness, we end up suppressing these stigmatized feelings, which in result makes them even stronger and more harmful…
Thank you for such an inspiring article! I will use this quote, to help me go through the rough times:
“the strongest people are the ones who feel pain, accept it, learn from it, and fight through it.”
Joanna
Stan says
I have been working on letting things go for quite a while now. It sounds so simple, so why can’t I do it? At the most unexpected times, the things I try hardest to let go of pop up out of nowhere, and it is hard to break away once again. I don’t understand why I cling to things that hurt me in the first place. Is it that I am addicted to the hurt? Perhaps I need to learn the proper way to truly “let go”. If only I knew what it is. This would prove to be beneficial not only to me, but to those I care for.
Casey says
I could list many things I could consider “wounded me”.. however losing my best friend to a sudden heart attack at the age of 27 is the most painful situation I have had to deal with. She not only was someone I trusted with my life, but I went to her everyday for advice and care. It has been 7 months and I was weak for awhile. However, I have accepted what happened and been able to be thankful for the times I shared with her. This loss definitely made me a stronger human and friend.
Marc Chernoff says
Everyone, thank you, again, for sharing a small piece of your yourselves and being honest about your vulnerabilities. Your willingness to share truly inspires me. Also, I love when I see people reaching out and replying to others in these comments. It’s so empowering to be reminded that we’re all in this together.
Marvis says
Thanks so very much for the post.
I just recently started following you and I had searched for “how to expect less from people” when I came upon your blog and I’m so happy I did.
I have been going through a difficult marriage and I’m still holding on because my intuition tells me we are not yet done. We still love each other but I got into the marriage with very high expectations. I of course got very disappointed, frustrated and resented my husband so much. I was so depressed I moved out 2 years ago and it was good for both of us as an unlivable situation reigned in the house.
I made lots of mistakes which I have learnt from and I can of course only change myself but we are getting back together as we were “dating” each other during this time. I have learnt that I have to let go of some of the tiny things I hung onto, I have realised that there isn’t a perfect person or relationship. Not always see the negative in my partner and focus on the positive things he does. I have also learnt to take tiny steps to achieve my goals and also enjoy the moments of victory and happiness as most of the time the “big picture” can be overwhelming. Not focusing on what people think is something I need to work on.
Thanks so very much for the comments, they are really empowering
mick says
12 month ago, a friend of mine was devastated by the breakdown of her marriage. I used to read articles to her off your web site, which helped her to focus not on the past, but on the future. She admitted that your words helped her to forget the past, and grow strong enough to move on. 12 months later, and a loving relationship I was in has broken down, and left me similarly devastated. She has reminded me of the words I told her, and I am hoping that the strength your words gave her, will help me pull through.
Sally says
I, like many others, have recently found your site and find so much of what you write very close to my heart right now. When you find out someone has betrayed you badly your world falls apart. Then to keep finding out other stuff only adds insult to injury and I have felt extreme sadness that I have allowed this one person to do this to me.
Your posts are inspirational and I find myself coming back to them again and again, for strength if nothing else. Thank you for being that inspiration.
Captain Kirk says
Marc and Angel…
I appreciate your insight into many dimensions of our lives.
In today’s post, this final statement describes the journey as we transform our wounds into wisdom:
“In the end, the strongest people are the ones who feel pain, accept it, learn from it, and fight through it.”
In our life journey, when we experience pain, suffering, wounds, broken hearts, and challenges, we have two choices:
FIGHT or FLIGHT! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Sometimes, we have to FIGHT to continue…and enjoy our FLIGHT of life.
During our flight, we experience the pain (turbulence), we accept the challenge and adversities (unexpected events), learn from it (lifelong learning, full-time student of life), transforming the wounds into WISDOM, and we FIGHT with courage, fire and desire, charged by our heavenly Father’s saving POWER!
This is our anthem……
Life will always challenge me.
Life will NOT DEFEAT ME!
Molly says
This is brilliant. I have spent the past year turning a brutal past into a future of strength. It’s interesting to read this because it’s the same thing I have been saying to those I love – I cannot change my past mistakes or trauma, instead I now look at those experiences and say ‘thank you’ because those are the very things that have helped me gain the wisdom, strength, and love that I need to be happy as I move forward in my life.
Jazmine says
Thank you. I needed this. At a later age in life, these reminders are always significant.
I broke a friend’s trust by discussing her with another friend and of course regret it but……..yes, I have to give myself a little break because the friend had become pretty abusive and detached. I’ve done well at forgiving myself and letting it go. I remind myself that all of it taught me a huge lesson.