by Krista, creator of A Life in Progress
“I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me.”
— S.E. Hinton
Most mornings I wake up drippy with gratitude and delight for this imperfect and beautiful life of mine. I can hardly believe how fortunate I am to connect with women around the world, have space to putter and read, a family to love, and opportunity to use my gifts to encourage and teach on a daily basis.
But not that long ago I lived stuck. Afraid to write, to try new things, to take a risk.
I was productive and busy, yet I wasn’t showing up fully to life nor doing my deepest work in the world. This was in large part because I hadn’t yet learned to examine and challenge my thoughts.
Courage isn’t the absence of fear but choosing to show up even when we’re afraid.
In a similar vein, living a purposeful life doesn’t mean having life all figured out or always feeling confident but choosing to live awake and with intention each step of the way.
I choose to live on purpose.
When we decide to step out and forge a life off the beaten path or one fully aligned to our core values and highest priorities, resistance tends to arise. Comparison and perfectionism clamor aggressively for our attention. And fear spins subtle lies or half-truths to keep us distracted and mired in complacency.
We need to wake up to the thoughts we believe about our worth and capacity to do hard things, so we can separate fact from fiction, challenge the lies, and continue forging ahead with joy and on purpose.
Challenge these lies for a purposeful life:
1. My dream is impossible. It’s too big and will take too long.
When there is a huge gulf between where we are and what we want, we can feel incredibly discouraged. How will we ever get “over there?” Be willing to be a beginner and break that big vision down into micro-steps and take the longer view; if it’s worth having then it’s worth slow and steady work. We build a sense of competency as we experience small wins by focusing on small, consistent, purposeful steps. Bigger and faster are not always better qualities.
2. I’ll never be able to measure up or keep up.
This may very well be true … if your job was to measure up or keep up with everyone else. But your job is to walk out your unique vision, to honor your wiring and build a “right-sized life.” Perfectionism will keep us from even starting but we can loosen our grip on a need for our life or dream to look exactly one way and choose to stay open to joyful possibility. Yes, you may never “measure up or keep up” to anyone else but you may build a joyful, purposeful life that is far beyond what you could have hoped for or imagined, simply because you stepped out.
3. I’ve tried before and failed. So why bother now?
When we remove judgment and shame from the conversation, we see all our life experiences as useful information that can be harnessed for our benefit. Not one of us will get through life unscathed – there is no shame in falling – so get back up. Each day is a fresh start to choose who and how we’ll be in the world; we can show up courageous and curious. Learning to pivot and learn from life experience is a sign of wisdom so shake yourself off, cheer yourself onward, and craft a new plan of action.
4. I’m a fraud, a phony, and just making things up as I go.
If this is you, celebrate! It means you’re in the arena. We’re all making it up as we go and rather than this being shameful, it’s amazing. This life is a crazy, beautiful, messy adventure for those who step into it one day at a time. There are no certainties—no guarantees—just momentary opportunities. Mistakes should be made and learned from every single day. Or, as Marc and Angel say in their New York Times bestseller, “Allow yourself to be a beginner. No one starts off being great. Do the best you can until you know better. And once you know better, do a little better.”
5. Every time I try something new, I go strong for a few weeks then fall off the wagon.
This is a really common problem that can often be resolved by choosing an “all or nothing mindset.” Adopting a more sustainable approach to life and goals can help us stay the course. We can build daily, weekly, and yearly rhythms that feel joyful and sustainable. We can remember that periods of rest are essential to productivity and creativity. We can learn not to run from discomfort when things feel hard. And we can practice quieting the noise of perfectionism that tells us that success looks like “all or nothing.”
6. Everyone else has figured out how to adult – something’s wrong with me.
Life is messy for all of us. We are each uniquely gifted and we’ll be presented with challenges and opportunities to stretch and grow. While comparison whispers that everyone else sails smoothly through life, this is rarely true; what is more likely true is that you only see a tiny part of other people’s full, complex lives. And anyway, your job is to keep your eyes on your own path and stubbornly build and craft the life you desire.
7. I might be rejected or laughed at.
Not everyone will like or applaud you. You may be rejected at times and your work is not for everyone. Some people may even be downright mean. But here’s a foundational truth to keep in mind for a purposeful life: it’s not their job to like you. It’s yours. It’s your job to love yourself, treat yourself like you matter, and act as your own biggest cheerleader. When we decide to like ourselves, we find that we don’t crave external validation in quite the same way we once did because we’re clear on who we are, including our strengths and weaknesses, and on where we’re heading.
8. I’m not ready yet.
We find our way by stepping out and getting our hands dirty. Do you really need one more course, one more book, one more webinar, or are you allowing fear to keep you in hiding? When we step out into the bit of light we have, we learn what we never could from passive reading or watching what others are up to. We encounter both challenges and delight we couldn’t have dreamed up for ourselves. The truth is we’ll never be “fully ready” and will undoubtedly shift course as we go – this is a welcome, lovely part of the journey. Imperfect action will take you far.
9. Not everyone achieves success. Why would I be one of the chosen few?
Crafting a purposeful life necessitates defining (and continually redefining) success for ourselves. How will you gauge it, what will it look/sound/feel like? Is it strictly a number you can measure, or does it involve a holistic sense of how you’ll spend your days? When we own the truth of who we are and what we want instead of chasing other people’s ideas of “success” we are far more likely to find our way. And let’s say your precise vision of success doesn’t materialize: this may feel hard, but you can love yourself well, pivot, and keep showing up.
10. My partner/family/friends will think I’m crazy.
Let other people be responsible for their own thoughts and emotions. You take responsibility for yours. While I think it’s important to consider who we’ve allowed into our inner circle and if they deserve to be there, even people who love us may speak from fear or limited vision or feel triggered when we desire change in our lives. At times we need to seek support outside of our family and friend circle. Be wise about who you allow to speak into your life and remember to advocate tenaciously for what you want and need.
11. I have real limitations in my life. It isn’t logical to add one more thing to my plate or rock the boat.
A lot of us live with very real limitations in our lives (anxiety, chronic pain, a health condition, limited time or support). It’s healthy to be honest about our circumstances and then to own that we always get to choose our response. It is possible to build a life that honors our wiring and specific health needs and still step out and do hard things. We are each a complex tangle of strength and struggle and my life should not be an exact replica of yours. Finally, I have never been disappointed when I trusted my gut or intuition in small steps, rather than letting logic or reason alone completely rule the roost.
12. I should be living up to my potential.
Release the pressure or expectation of living up to your potential and focus on living on purpose. Just because we can do something doesn’t mean we ought to. Do the messy work to identify your core values and how you want to feel as you walk through your days. Listen in to what you truly want and value and pay more heed to this than to all the chatter around you. We get to decide how we’ll walk through these short lives of ours. Let’s choose wisely.
Now, it’s your turn…
Comparison, perfectionism and fear can be sneaky about all the ways they show up in our lives. The good news is we can wake up to the lies they spin and not permit them to stop us from doing the work we feel called to or from loving ourselves well.
In a noisy world full of possibility and shiny things it takes work to dig in and uncover what we most want and need, put blinders on, and slowly but surely build joyful and purposeful lives of our own making.
Let’s build wisely.
And of course, I would love to hear from YOU in the comments section.
Which point in this post resonated the most today?
Anything else to share?
Please leave me a comment below.
Author Bio: Krista is a writer & Joyful Living Educator. She helps messy humans like her move through perfectionism, comparison, and fear to show up fully to their imperfect and beautiful lives. Connect with her on Facebook or at A Life in Progress.
JC says
So glad this post arrived in my email inbox when it did. Thanks for a quick refreshing read. Lots of things I know but needed to be reminded of. I especially resonated with #4. Lately I’ve been feeling like the work I do as an artist just isn’t good enough—like I’m trying to hard and never will be where I think I should be. One day at a time… I getting there. Just need to remind myself more often.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
One of the most important gifts I gave myself – and the main thing that allowed me to start (and keep) writing – was reminding myself that I just have to offer what I have. Whether or not people like it isn’t my business. My business is to simply show up. Keep showing up, JC:)
Gina Evans says
I think number 11 summed it top nicely. We need to choose our response in life. Ever since I attended Think Better, Live Better earlier this year, I’ve been working on just that…changing my response to the situations I can’t fully control, but am fully responsible for when it comes to how I internalize them and what actions I ultimately take.
Sally Quon says
It was number four for me as well, and the timing couldn’t have been stranger. Just yesterday I heard the term “Imposter Syndrome” for the first time. I looked it up just a few hours ago, and now this. I thought I was alone. Knowing that I’m not is one more step toward overcoming that particular obstacle. I’m a writer and photographer and often feel that way about my craft. It’s more than insecurity. It can be paralyzing, debilitating.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Oh, you’re definitely not alone! I love this – knowing that we are interconnected in so many ways – more alike than not. What if you just show up curious to your work; let go of pressure to make something happen and remember to delight in it and keep learning and trying. Would that feel differently?
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Yes, this is sooo important. Some people don’t like when I talk about “limitations” but for me, this part of the important work of truth-telling. But I never stay there. I always then ask myself “now what?” and remember that I get to decide what to do with my current reality. I’ve never attended Marc and Angel’s event but may do so in the future. I loved their book and loved meeting Angel in person last fall. She is very much the same in person as in her writing:)
Valentina says
Such a wonderful contribution to one of my favorite sources on daily inspiration. Thank you. I’d say the general premise of doing these “hard things” for yourself is what resonates. Living a purposeful life isn’t an easy thing to do, but it’s worth the effort. And it’s something M&A have been assisting me with over the years.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Hi Valentina, I’ve admired Marc and Angel from afar for years too for how they show up and encourage others in life. I’m honored to be able to share a little bit of my light with their community. Let’s both keep doing hard things:)
Denise says
I know what i want to do but I need directions. I just want to find someone that makes my life more meaningful
Jen says
This blog will give you lots of good support as you find your way. Best wishes for a lovely journey.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Hi Denise, it is definitely a gift when we find a companion to share life with – but I think it can be really positive to do our own personal work to realize we also don’t require anyone else to make our lives feel complete. Marc and Angle offer some personalized support I believe and they have a class. Perhaps these would further support you on your journey. xo
Angie says
Do we ever learn to adult? Having adult children, is making work and being there for each other. Having everything figured out in life is something I wish for but know will be worked for. The more you do the more you learn.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Agreed – I think we just keep learning and practicing as we go:)
Kathleen says
I agree that this arrived at the right time this morning. No 7 resonates with me – I am constantly getting rejection letters while I seek an income to help me to move forward. I suspect it’s because I am not moving in the right direction or have still some other step to take in reaching that direction – or maybe the time is just not right and I have to be patient.
Stephanie says
What you seek shall never be found. That’s why you’re searching for it.
Better to positively affirmate with your job applications that”you are the one they need in their company!”
Good luck!
Greetings
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Kathleen – congratulations that you’re showing up even thought it doesn’t all feel easy. I think we all experience this whether it comes in the form of a rejection letter, a mean comment, a betrayal. We can’t choose for other people, only for ourselves, and we can remember to love ourselves well each step of the way. xo
Laurie says
Wonderful read! I especially resonate with #10. Letting go of what others think and do not let anyone tell you your dream is not attainable. We need to make the most out of our lives and only we can do that for ourselves.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Yes – I think there is tremendous value in sharing with the right people. But ultimately we get to curate our lives – we have the right and responsibility to handcraft a vision for our lives and then slowly, steadily, work toward that.
Frits says
Thank you. 3 resonated most with me (all of it did). I’m a diet, a tryer. But I’ve gotten stuck in one area of life, in particular. 3 has become my mantra. I will change it to, “how will I try differently?” Than you.
Frits says
This is a repost. Shoul have checked autocorrect…hahaha.
Thank you. 3 resonated most with me (all of it did). I’m a doer, a tryer. But I’ve gotten stuck in one area of life, in particular. 3 has become my mantra. I will change it to, “how will I try differently?” Than you.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
In my personal life and in my work with clients, this one seemingly simple idea: “I choose to shift from judgement into curiosity” can be life-changing. A book I really liked and which helped me practice shifting is The Upside of Stress by Kelly McGonigal.
Tarannum Khatri says
Awesome article.
Mine favorite is I am not ready yet. or I have no time to handle more.
But one day I need to do the things which I am avoiding.
I realize now.
Bookmarking your article 🙂
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
I’m so glad to hear my article felt encouraging. While it’s true that not everything is for this season, it is equally true that we often hide because we’re afraid.
John C. says
Self-Actualization is the ultimate. But to realize it one has to traverse challenges of irony, paradox and raising consciousness. It is an infinitely complex ordeal and most people are unable to accomplish it. Creativity is the exclusive path to succeed because, if done correctly, it opens the individual to the panacea of universal mythos and therefore one’s own destiny within it. This is transcendence, which is the key to self-acualization.
Rebecca says
Well said, John.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
It is complex – and I see it as a beautiful, messy journal. An invitation to really live.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Oops I meant to say a messy, beautiful JOURNEY:)
Cat says
10. I am focusing on writing more than ever before! I will choose who I will share this with. I have a supportive critique group and many author friends rooting for me. I need to put a shell around my dream and write and experiment and soar! For others who would not support me, I don’t need to mention it!
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Keep going, Cat. I write as much for my own healing and becoming as I do to serve others. It matters because I matter. I don’t have to even be a good writer for my work to matter. May you be encouraged to do the work that draws you and lights you up.
Erin says
1,3,5,6 and 12.. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes with these areas.
I feel a sense relief reading the honest and supportive points to take into consideration.
Thank you so much you guys !
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
So glad my post felt encouraging or helpful to you. Isn’t it amazing how each of us has a little light to share – and when we share it we help build a kinder world.
Rhonda Lawson says
Wow, Always thought-provoking. I plan to print this out and post it somewhere that I can see it. I especially like #9: “love yourself well, pivot, and keep showing up.” That could be my watchword of achievement.
As an eldest in my family, I unconsciously expect I must excel in everything. As I have gotten older, I feel less and less “excellent,” of course. That subconscious attitude, I think, adds a subtle competition in my interactions with others, and many have said “you think you’re better.” That, of course, is the furthest from the truth as they can get. I ALWAYS feel I fall short. But if I’m always subconsciously competing and comparing, of course others would get the message that I’m uptight and judgmental. Aaaaah!
Too many times, when my concept of achievement (vague though it may be) doesn’t materialize, I put myself under even more pressure. Pretty soon all that pressure turns into stress and anxiety. I become devoid of humor or relaxation. My husband says, “Lighten up! Go with the flow!”
When I let go of that pressure, then I can laugh, and be relaxed. Laughter! That’s my go to right now. Find things to laugh at, even if it’s my twisted and misunderstood self. :-))
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Hello – have you done some reading and work around perfectionism to see how it might be a playing a huge role in your life? I hear you that often we are our worst critique and we can live with constant awareness of all the ways we fall short. I’ve linked to two articles you might appreciate:
https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/good-enough/
https://www.alifeinprogress.ca/simple-living-tips/
Aishwarya says
Thank you Marc and angel from bottom of my heart.
I get little anxious before starting my preparation for my goal and all the above things do come to mind which stop me from moving ahead but this list made me feel that I can be a stronger and better version of me.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
So glad it offered encouragement in the right season for you. Keep going:)
Margaret C Nicosia says
Great timely article, I will keep this at my workspace 3, 4 and 8 were relevant. I am a tech geek that pivoted to a photographer. Both are creative. I was told by a long time event client they are hiring someone “who does this for a living” It really hurt. Most of my work is with non-profits and small pay/volunteer photography. But it made me realize I am bored with event photography and I consider myself a professional . I cancelled all of my future bookings. I will focus on pivoting. I splurged and purchased a drone in December, that is still in the box. Time for it to take flight.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Congratulations on your courage to pivot. Choosing to pivot has added great joy to my life and work.
Judy says
For me it’s usually this reminder: “But here’s a foundational truth to keep in mind for a purposeful life: it’s not their job to like you. It’s yours.” I tend to let other people’s acceptance, etc. color my world. This thought centers me and reminds me that I am really a great person.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
I hear you. This is why my work really centers on helping women put down deep strong roots of self-awareness and self-compassion. Achievement, accolades, stuff … it doesn’t bring joy and peace if we don’t understand our value and actually love and like who we are.
Victoria says
I think I’m too far gone, too old, too hurt to do any of this. My husband left me after 35 years for another woman and I feel like I’m just waiting to die. I’m sure no one will comment on this. It’s too big.
Anne says
Each day is a new opportunity for a fresh start!!!!
We are all on our path, look around you, breath, keep reading this blog! You are not alone!!!!!!
Victoria says
Thank you for the kind reply but I most certainly am alone. More alone than I’ve ever been in my life.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Agreed – thanks for spreading kindness and light Anne. xo
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Telling the truth about pain is important. Life sucks sometimes. But we always, an any age or stage of life, can choose to ask ourselves “now what?” What will I do with my present reality. Will I choose life? What do I want? What is one small step I could take today to care for myself like I matter (no matter how others have chosen to treat me). Don’t quit, Victoria. You matter.
Irene Mistiola says
No. 12 resonated to me most. More often than not, I try to live a perfect personal and career life that I am hard on myself when something does not go according to plan., like everything is under my control And I would compare myself with others on how they go by their lives so easily. Hopefully, I could be able to enjoy life as it is with all its goodness and flaws.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Yes, loosening my grip on thinking life *should* feel easier, fair, etc., opened me up to see joyful possibility. It helped me surrender to the reality that life is imperfect AND beautiful. Messy AND worth living. Take care, Irene.
Jessica says
This post couldn’t have come at a better time. Allow yourself to be a beginner really resonates with me. I’m going to meditate on that for a while…
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Hi Jessica, come back later if you’d like and share any insight or how you choose to practice this idea!
+-Life. says
I notice that all of these thoughts are negative in nature.
And that’s the problem with negativity.
Pessimistic and negative thoughts hold us back from fulfilling our fullest potential in life.
And sadly, a lot of us fall victim.
We need to realise that we are not our thoughts and that we have control over them and how they affect us!
Dee Ayan says
Number one and number seven are the ones I’ve grappled with the most out of anything. Believing my dream is too big and will take too long has led me to procrastinating and it being 5 years later and realizing “too long” doesn’t exist since the time will go by anyway.
Also, fear of rejection has held me back from putting myself out there in situations that could have potentially been beneficial for me. However, I’ve been slowly working on overcoming that fear.
A bonus lie I’d like to add is that is that the small things don’t add up. But they definitely do!
rahul says
nice