Sometimes you have to die a little on the inside first in order to be reborn and rise again as a stronger, smarter version of yourself.
Nobody gets through life without losing someone they love, someone they need, or something they thought was meant to be. But it is these losses that make us stronger and eventually move us toward future opportunities for growth and happiness.
Over the past five years Angel and I have dealt with several hardships, including the sudden death of a sibling, the loss of a best friend to illness, betrayal from a business partner, and an unexpected (breadwinning) employment layoff. These experiences were brutal. Each of them, naturally, knocked us down and off course for a period of time. But when our time of mourning was over in each individual circumstance, we pressed forward, stronger, and with a greater understanding and respect for life.
Here are some lessons we’ve learned along the way:
- You are not what happened to you in the past. – No matter how chaotic the past has been, the future is a clean, fresh, wide open slate. You are not your past habits. You are not your past failures. You are not how others have at one time treated you. You are only who you think you are right now in this moment. You are only what you do right now in this moment.
- Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t. – You are who you are and you have what you have, right now. And it can’t be that bad, because otherwise you wouldn’t be able to read this. The important thing is simply to find one POSITIVE thought that inspires and helps you move forward. Hold on to it strongly, and focus on it. You may feel like you don’t have much, or anything at all, but you have your mind to inspire you. And that’s really all you need to start moving forward again. Read The How of Happiness.
- Struggling with problems is a natural part of growing. – Part of living and growing up is experiencing unexpected troubles in life. People lose jobs, get sick, and sometimes die in car accidents. When you are younger, and things are going pretty well, this harsh reality can be hard to visualize. The smartest, and oftentimes hardest, thing we can do in these kinds of situations is to be tempered in our reactions. To want to scream obscenities, but to wiser and more disciplined than that. To remember that emotional rage only makes matters worse. And to remember that tragedies are rarely as bad as they seem, and even when they are, they give us an opportunity to grow stronger.
- It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. – You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again. And a smile doesn’t always mean a person is happy. Sometimes it simply means they are strong enough to face their problems.
- Life is fragile, sudden, and shorter than it often seems. – There may not be a tomorrow – not for everyone. Right now, someone on Earth is planning something for tomorrow without realizing they’re going to die today. This is sad but true. So spend your time wisely today and pause long enough to appreciate it. Every moment you get is a gift. Don’t waste time by dwelling on unhappy things. Spend it on things that move you in the direction you want to go.
- You will fail sometimes. – The faster you accept this, the faster you can get on with being brilliant. You’ll never be 100% sure it will work, but you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work. Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. So get out there and try! Either you succeed or you learn a vital lesson. Win – Win.
- You have the capacity to create your own happiness. – Feelings change, people change, and time keeps rolling. You can hold onto past mistakes or you can create your own happiness. A smile is a choice, not a miracle. Don’t make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy. True happiness comes from within.
- Emotionally separate yourself from your problems. – You are far greater than your problems. You are a living, breathing human being who is infinitely more complex than all of your individual problems added up together. And that means you’re more powerful than them – you have the ability to change them, and to change the way you feel about them.
- Don’t make a problem bigger than it is. – You should never let one dark cloud cover the entire sky. The sun is always shining on some part of your life. Sometimes you just have to forget how you feel, remember what you deserve, and keep pushing forward.
- Everything that happens is a life lesson. – Everyone you meet, everything you encounter, etc. They’re all part of the learning experience we call ‘life.’ Never forget to acknowledge the lesson, especially when things don’t go your way. If you don’t get a job that you wanted or a relationship doesn’t work, it only means something better is out there waiting. And the lesson you just learned is the first step towards it.
- View every challenge as an educational assignment. – Ask yourself: “What is this situation meant to teach me?” Every situation in our lives has a lesson to teach us. Some of these lessons include: To become stronger. To communicate more clearly. To trust your instincts. To express your love. To forgive. To know when to let go. To try something new.
- Things change, but the sun always rises the next day. – The bad news: nothing is permanent. The good news: nothing is permanent.
- Giving up and moving on are two very different things. – There comes a point when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it’s not giving up, and it’s not the end. It’s a new beginning. It’s realizing, finally, that you don’t need certain people and things and the drama they bring.
- Distance yourself from negative people. – Every time you subtract negative from your life you make room for more positive. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. Let go of negative people, for they are the greatest destroyers of self confidence and self esteem. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you.
- Perfect relationships don’t exist. – There’s no such thing as a perfect, ideal relationship. It’s how two people deal with the imperfections of a relationship that make it ideal. Read The Road Less Traveled.
- You must love yourself too. – One of the most painful things in life is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. When was the last time someone told you that they loved you just the way you are, and that what you think and how you feel matters? When was the last time someone told you that you did a good job, or took you someplace, simply because they know you feel happy when you’re there? When was the last time that ‘someone’ was YOU?
- Don’t let others make decisions for you. – Sometimes you just have to live not caring what they think of you, shake off the drama, and prove to YOURSELF that you’re better than they think you are.
- Resentment hurts you, not them. – Always forgive people and move on, even if they never ask for your forgiveness. Don’t do it for them – do it for you. Grudges are a waste of happiness. Get that unnecessary stress out of your life right now.
- You’re not alone. Everyone has problems. – To lose sleep worrying about a friend. To have trouble picking yourself up after someone lets you down. To feel like less because someone didn’t love you enough to stay. To be afraid to try something new for fear you’ll fail. None of this means you’re dysfunctional or crazy. It just means you’re human, and that you need a little time to right yourself. You are not alone. No matter how embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your own situation, there are others out there experiencing the same emotions. When you hear yourself say, “I am all alone,” it is your mind trying to sell you a lie.
- You still have a lot to be thankful for. – Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of brave people who are overcoming it. Sometimes you have to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what’s coming next. Henry David Thoreau once said, “Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.” Even when times are tough, it’s always important to keep things in perspective. You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night. You didn’t go to sleep outside. You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning. You hardly broke a sweat today. You didn’t spend a minute in fear. You have access to clean drinking water. You have access to medical care. You have access to the Internet. You can read. Some might say you are incredibly wealthy, so remember to be grateful for all the things you do have.
- Consciously nurture your inner hope. – A loss, a worry, an illness, a dream crushed – no matter how deep your hurt or how high your aspirations, do yourself a favor and pause at least once a day, place your hands over your heart and say aloud, “Hope lives here.”
- It’s better to be hurt by the truth, than comforted by a lie. – You must see things how they are instead of how you hoped, wished, or expected them to be. It’s always better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie.
- It’s hard to tell exactly how close you are to success. – Connecting the dots going forward is nearly impossible, but when you look backward it always makes perfect sense. Success is often closer than it seems, and arrives suddenly, when you least expect it.
- Not getting what you want can be a blessing. – Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of good luck, because it forces you reevaluate things, opening new doors to opportunities and information you would have otherwise overlooked.
- Laughter is the best medicine for stress. – Laugh at yourself often. Find the humor in whatever situation you’re in. Optimism is a happiness magnet. If you stay positive, good things and good people will be drawn to you.
- Mistakes are important to make. – We’ve all made mistakes. We’ve let people take advantage of us, and we’ve accepted way less than we deserve. But if you think about it, we’ve learned a lot from our bad choices, and even though there are some things we can never recover and people who will never be sorry, we now know better for next time. We now have more power to shape our future. Remember, failure is not falling down; failure is staying down when you have the choice to get back up. Get back up! Oftentimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
- Worrying is literally a waste of energy. – Worry will not drain tomorrow of its troubles, it will drain you of your strength today. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
- Even when it’s hard to move, take small steps forward. – Especially in trying times, it’s important to continuously push yourself forward. Because momentum is everything! As long as you keep the momentum positive – even if you’re moving at a snail’s pace – you’ll eventually get to the finish line. So celebrate every step you take today, no matter how small. Because every step will lead you farther away from where you were yesterday and closer to where you want to be tomorrow. Be it a better life or a dream we long to realize, we reach our destinations by taking many, many small steps in the same direction, one at a time.
- There will always be people who dislike you. – You can’t be everything to everyone. No matter what you do, there will always be someone who thinks differently. So concentrate on doing what you know in your heart is right. What others think and say about you isn’t all that important. What is important is how you feel about yourself.
- You are better off without some people you thought you needed. – The sad truth is, there are some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave. The good news is, if you tough it out, you’ll eventually weed these people out of your life and be left with some great friends you can always count on.
- You are ONLY competing against yourself. – When you catch yourself comparing yourself to a colleague, neighbor, friend, or someone famous, stop! Realize that you are different, with different strengths – strengths these other people don’t possess. Take a moment to reflect on all the awesome abilities you have and to be grateful for all the good things in your life.
- You can’t control everything that happens to you. – But you can control how you react to things. Everyone’s life has positive and negative aspects — whether you’re happy or not depends greatly on which aspects you focus on. For instance: Did you catch a head cold? At least it’s only a temporary virus and nothing life-threatening. Did you lose a basketball game? Thankfully you got to spend the afternoon with friends doing something fun and healthy. Did your stock market savings go down? It’ll bounce back in the long-term. And besides, it’s great that you’ve been diligent and fortunate enough to save a nest egg of savings when many people are barely making ends meet. You get the idea.
- Life is NOT easy. – If you expect it to be, you will perpetually disappoint yourself. Achieving anything worthwhile in life takes effort. So start every morning ready to run farther than you did yesterday and fight harder than you ever have before. Above all, make sure you properly align your efforts with your goals. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it in the end.
- Your future is spotless. – Regardless of how filthy your past has been, your future is still spotless. Don’t start your day with the broken pieces of yesterday. Don’t look back unless it’s a good view. Every day is a fresh start. Each day is a new beginning. Every morning we wake up is the first day of the rest of our life. One of the very best ways to get beyond past troubles is to concentrate all of your attention and effort on doing something that your future self will thank you for.
- You are not trapped; you just need to re-learn a few things. – We all have doubts that make us feel trapped at times. If you doubt your ability to make a life-altering decision, to take on a new chapter in your life, or to fend for yourself after years of being overly-fostered, consider this: Surely if a bird with healthy wings is locked in a cage long enough, she will doubt her own ability to fly. You still have your wings, but your muscles are weak. Train them and stretch them slowly. Give yourself time. You’ll be flying again soon.
- Everything in life is two-sided. – There is good reason why we can’t expect to feel pleasure without ever feeling pain; joy without ever feeling sorrow; confident without ever feeling fear; calm without ever feeling restless; hope without ever feeling despair: There is no such thing as a one-sided coin in life, with which one can buy a pain-free, trouble-free existence.
- You always have a choice. – No matter what, there are always at least two options. If you can’t physically change something, you can change the way you think about it. You can sit in the dark, or you can find your inner light and discover powerful pieces of yourself you never knew existed. You can view a crisis as an invitation to learn something new, viewing the shake-up in your outer world as an enlightening opportunity to wake-up your inner world.
- Let others in when you’re in a dark place. – No, they won’t always be able to pull you out of the dark place you’re in, but the light that spills in when they enter will at least show you which way the door is.
- If you ask negative questions, you will get negative answers. – There are no positive answers to, “Why me?” “Why didn’t I?” “What if?” etc. Would you allow someone else to ask you the demoralizing questions you sometimes ask yourself? I doubt it. So stop and swap them for questions that push you in a positive direction. For instance, “What have I learned from this experience?” “What do I have control over?” “What can I do right now to move forward?”
- The end is a new beginning. – Say to yourself: “Dear Past, thank you for all the life lessons you have taught me. Dear Future, I am ready now!” Because a great beginning always occurs at the point you thought would be the end of everything.
Photo by: Chris Schoenbohm
Suchitra Mishra (@suchimishra) says
Marc, I was delighted to read this post, many of the points resonate with my thoughts on adversity which I wrote about last week. I called the lessons from adversity blessings, because you emerge out of hard times so much stronger and surer about yourself if you face the hardship with courage and grace. Anyway, I have featured your site on my site in the past as one of my favorite blogs to keep coming back to. Thank you so much for being a source of inspiration.
Regards,
Suchitra
Ashna says
This is such a wonderful, inspiring post… as usual! Thank you for sharing ! Happy New Year!
cora says
Fabulous list with filled with hope and truth. Thanks for starting my year with positivity.
Emily says
Thanks for changing my life again this week. Your blog posts always seem to line up with what’s going on in my life, it’s perfect. 🙂
Sherri says
Awesome beginning to the year! Thank you for lighting up my world.
Lise says
I love the new ideas, and the reminders of things I know and forget. With the New Year upon us, the timing is perfect for this inspiring read. Thank you.
Anil says
You guys are amazing! Thanks a lot for sharing this. Wishing you both great year ahead.
Joseph says
Thanks so much for this post – I’m going back to college for my winter classes on Tuesday and worrying about so many things that are absolutely scaring me right now. I needed this.
Claire says
This is an really an awesome blog post! It definitely made a big difference in my attitude already!
Thank you for always inspiring me. ?
Annie says
I’ve been going through a tough time over the last several months. A mistake that happened in a moment, has been eating away at me and overwhelming me for months. Your site has been helpful to me in many ways in dealing with that, and I THANK you for your inspiration.
Diana says
Marc and Angel,
Again, thank you so much for your wonderful, and inspiring writing. I wanna be a better person for the people I love, and your blog is definitely helping me!
Happy New Year!
Diana xx
Pseudo says
I am so happy to have found your blog through a friend’s Facebook link. Your articles are so uplifting. This one particularly struck a chord with me. Thanks.
James says
All I can say: Thank you, this is exactly what I needed to read.
Amanda says
As I was reading this, my eyes began to tear up because this advice perfectly fits my life right now and the problems I’m facing. I know I have it so much better than most people, but my problems overwhelm me and sometimes I forget that. This article has helped me remember and made me feel a lot better. Thank you.
Julie Takase says
You two are such an inspiration to me. Thanks for another amazing read.
Marie Ennis-O'Connor (@JBBC) says
This is just what I needed to read today – thank you for sharing such an inspiring and hope-filled list for the start of the new year.
Carla says
Amazing! Quite honestly the perfect list to start my year off right.
Richard says
Your site is more inspirational than church has been for me lately. I am dealing with a deeply troubling personal loss of the love of my life. I will admit publicly that she was the one who stated that she realized that she could never marry me, and just like that, I was out and another guy was in. I know that I am supposed to “man up” and not care about this sort of thing, but talk about getting the wind knocked out of you. Anyway, your blog reminds me that pain is temporary, that losses lead to strength, and that everything works out in spite of any immediate pain. I am blessed to have found your blog, and grateful that your posts appear at the exact moment that I most need inspiration in my life.
-Richard
Jill says
Just what I needed to hear at this time in my life. I have already shared with a friend and linked to it on Facebook. Thanks for the continued support.
Agrimony says
Wow – A friend shared this on Facebook, and what a wonderful share. I love this post, and, I SO needed to read it. And as I behold the treasure trove of your other posts that await me, I just feel so blessed! Thanks!
Larry says
Thank you for another great post. The true beauty of your blog is that you always seem to be able to provide inspiration for people regardless of where they are on their journey. You provide suggestions for those who are down to help them pull themselves up, and for those who are doing well you give advice to help them stay strong. I consider myself a very positive person, but like everyone I can always use a little encouragement. Thank you for giving me that encouragement!
Tracy says
Thank you sooooo much for this! When you’re going through something hard, it’s often difficult to look at the situation in many ways. This was so helpful, as are all of your posts!
Thank you!!!!!!
Mylo says
Thanks so much for this inspiring advice. It’s already starting to help me see things more clearly.
Cari Z says
I love this blog, just found it on stumbleupon. Everything you wrote on this list I have said to myself or my husband this past year (we both lost our jobs in the past few years). I know what you say is true because I have lived it myself and can tell that you have too. Thank you for your wisdom and through the wisdom, your support for all of us going through hard times.
Karan says
I have been on a search for soooo very long! And I’m not sure how I stumbled across your site, but, I want it to be known how very Thankful I am!! Life altering situations have recently consumed all that has ever mattered to me! They have buried me emotional. But your words are helping. You have no idea how much YOU have given ME Strength!!! Thank you!
Nishita says
I love your blog and everything you post is so… I don’t even have a word for it 🙂 It makes me smile, and I know it’s helping me change and be a better person, and I am thankful for that.
Love you guys 🙂
Lisa says
Thank you for your blog, it makes me so thankful, grateful and inspired… warmest regards 🙂
anita says
What a great read! I bookmarked it and pinned it and am planning to pass it on. Thanks for sharing it!
Ene okwori says
Thanks for lightening my life, again.
Gavin says
This is brilliant! It’s given me a lot to think about.
Grace says
Dear Marc and Angel,
Thank you for today’s 40 lessons..it gives me hope for a better tomorrow . It ain’t over till its over! I’m going to be more positive to my approach to living a fulfilling, healthy and rewarding life. Love your phrase : Bad news is nothing is permanent ; Good news is nothing is permanent .
God’s speed
Grace
Franklin Abbott says
Thank you for distilling the wisdom of both letting go and moving on. This was a great read.
Nitin says
You guys give me hope and a way to live. Your words are always uplifting and inspiring. And this post is one of your best. Happy New Year to you Marc and Angel 🙂
Jean Sager says
My favorite is #31–
You are ONLY competing against yourself…
Thank you so much!
Norman says
Thank you Marc and Angel… For your inspiring commentary on life and continued dedication to helping others, through your insights and wisdom. You have certainly made a positive difference in my life and given me the strength and inspiration in the face of adversity.
Nirmala Ramsaran says
It seems that you always manage to have an answer for every question I ask. Thanks for motivating me to do my very best. I truly appreciate your inspiring words.
Thanks,
Nirmala
JONESY says
Great post, YES! You have given me some renewed hope.
Kim says
I can’t tell you how much I look forward to your posts. I feel so excited when I see something from you in my inbox. My life is richer for having you in the world. Blessings on you all wishes for wonderful adventures in the new year.
Kate says
I just want to say thank you. Thank you so much for what you both do. Your blogs are amazing and inspiring. I have been going through a tough time and reading your blogs gives me hope. Thank you for all that you have done for me and for all of your other readers.
Privy Trifles says
I was looking for some serious answers when I read this. I was having a tough time coping up with the death of a loved one, but reading this has not only made me feel better it has even provided me a new direction to my thoughts.
An excellent way to begin a new year.
Thanks for this beautiful piece of advice.
Happy New Year!!
Lenia says
Hi Marc,
This is the first article I read for 2012 and I think it is one of the best posts someone can read to begin the New Year full of positive energy. What you are saying is the truth and you express that truth with a clear and direct way.
Thank you for sharing with us 🙂
Lenia
Pete says
Marc & Angel, your posts are insanely awesome – I keep them open on my screen and refer to them often. Happy New Year!
Pete
Gautam Khanna says
Totally fabulous stuff Marc and Angel. You guys are truly one of the few spreading sincere positivity across the world. Great work, hats off 🙂
Rick says
Marc,
You hit the nail on the head once again. When people make your decisions for you its like Jim Henson has his hand up your crouch and hes making you talk, you might as well be a muppet. Make life yours. Make your own mistakes.
Happy New Year
Rick
louis says
Simply… Thank you! This post gives me hope.
Kelly Montes says
Thank you! Whew, you just went straight to my soul and reminded me why being human is such a ride! The road map to my higher self is always plainly in sight when I read your words. Thank you,
Kelly
Alicia says
“And a smile doesn’t always mean a person is happy. Sometimes it simply means they are strong enough to face their problems.”
The above quote is my favorite part of the entire article. But it makes me wonder… is it wrong to strive towards having that mentality, that–smile even though your heart is breaking mentality–or should we be striving towards being so strong that nothing gets you down so badly that you have to force yourself to smile in the first place?
Thoughts?
Neisha says
This post may very well have saved me. Thank you for the guidance.
Marc says
@Alicia: The key is to focus on the silver lining – on the good things in your life right now – and then use this positivity as fuel for creating a better tomorrow. It’s certainly not an easy thing to do, especially in trying times, but staying positive has worked wonders for me.
@All: Thank you so much for the encouraging words and added insight. We love reading every one of your comments. Every day you inspire us. 🙂
morgan zoe says
I am going through a lot right now and I am thankful to have read this post. It uplifted my spirits. 🙂