“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.”
— Ann Landers
You are changing. The universe around you is changing. Just because something was right for you in the past doesn’t mean it still is. This could be a relationship, a job, a home, a habit, etc.
It happens to you slowly as you grow. You discover more about who you are and what you want out of life, and then you realize there are deliberate changes you need to make to keep up with the changes happening around you and within you.
The lifestyle you’ve been living no longer fits. The specific people and routines you’ve known forever no longer align with your values. So you cherish all the memories, but find yourself letting go and moving on.
If you’re currently dealing with this process you may feel a bit awkward, and that’s OK. This feeling is normal. I’ve been right there with you on more occasions than I can count.
Reasons to Let Go and Move On
- Someone’s negativity is rubbing off on you. – You are the average of the people you spend the most time with. In other words, who you spend your time with has a great impact on the person you are and the person you become. If you are around cynical and negative people all the time, you will become cynical and negative.
- You have grown apart from someone. – Sad but true, no matter what you do or how much you explain yourself, some people will gradually evolve away from your core values. As time goes on they will prove over and over again that they are committed to misunderstanding you and clashing with your needs.
- You are truly unhappy with your current circumstances. – It’s always better to be struggling at something you love than succeeding diligently at something you despise. (Read Quitter.)
- Your goals and needs have changed. – What was right for you then is not necessarily right for you now. Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go but rather realizing that you have changed, and then learning to start over with your new truth.
- Fear is holding you back. – Part of letting go and moving on is facing the fears and disappointments of the past that are binding your spirit.
- You catch yourself living in the past. – If all you do is attempt to relive something that has already happened, you’re missing out. The mental space you create by letting go of things that are already behind you gives you the ability to fill the space with something fresh and fun.
- An old grudge is still hurting you. – Holding on to the weight of anger, resentment and hatred will not only hold you back, but also block your present blessings and opportunities. You’ve just got to drop some things to move forward.
- You aren’t learning anything new. – Living is learning. All positive change is the end result of learning. If you aren’t learning, you’re simply dying slowly.
One Small Example of Letting Go
We had been friends since grade school when I finally told one of my childhood friends, “Enough is enough!” Although we had basically grown up together, we were now on different planets when it came to our goals and dreams. He believed there was one right way to do things – go to college, get a degree, get a job, and dedicate every waking moment of your life to it. I had other plans.
Although I did get my degree and a job after college, in our free time Angel and I started writing articles on the blog you’re reading now. As the blog’s reach grew, my friend discredited our success. Whenever I shared one of our small success stories, he would say something negative like, “Whatever. It’s just a blog. I have one too.”
When Angel quit her job to work on the blog full-time, my friend basically told me we’d fail. “That’s ridiculous! Angel had a good job,” he said. “You’re just playing with fire in this economy if you ask me.” To which I replied, “I’m not asking you.”
That was the beginning of the end of our story as friends. Years later, our relationship is now a mere shadow of what it was and my life is honestly far brighter for it. Letting my friend go wasn’t easy, but it was necessary for my own well-being and growth.
Ways to Let Go and Move On
Holding on is like believing that there’s only a past; letting go and moving on is knowing in your heart that there’s a bright future ahead. Let’s take a look at eight ways to design the latter.
- Accept the truth and be thankful. – To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that lie ahead. It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s changes, to trust your intuition, to learn as you go, to realize that every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward. (This process is something Angel and I discuss in the Adversity chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Distance yourself for a while. – Sometimes you need to take several steps back in order to gain clarity on a situation. The best way to do this is to simply take a break and explore something else for a while. Why? So you can return to where you started and see things with a new set of eyes. And the people there may see you differently too. Returning where you started is entirely different than never leaving.
- Focus only on what can be changed. – Realize that not everything in life is meant to be modified or perfectly understood. Live, let go, learn what you can and don’t waste energy worrying about the things you can’t change. Focus exclusively on what you can change, and if you can’t change something you don’t like, change the way you think about it. Review your options and then re-frame what you don’t like into a starting point for achieving something better.
- Claim ownership and control of your life. – No one else is responsible for you. You are in full control of your life so long as you claim it and own it. Through the grapevine, you may have learned that you should blame your parents, your teachers, your mentors, the education system, the government, etc., but never to blame yourself. Right? It’s never, ever your fault… WRONG! Your life is your responsibility! If you want to change, if you want to let go and move on with your life, you’re the only person who can make it happen.
- Focus inward. – It’s important to make a difference in the world. Yes, it’s important to help people, but you have to start with yourself. If you’re looking outside yourself to find where you fit in or how you can create an impact, stop and look inside yourself instead. Review who you already are, the lifestyle you’re currently living, and what makes you feel alive. Then nurture these things and make positive adjustments until your current life can no longer contain them, forcing you to grow and move beyond your current circumstances.
- Change the people around you. – Some people come into your life just to strengthen you, so you can move on without them. They are supposed to be part of your memory, not your destiny. The bottom line is that when you have to start compromising your happiness and your potential for the people around you, it’s time to change the people around you. It’s time to join local meet-ups, attend conferences, network online, and find a more supportive tribe.
- Take a chance. – When life sets you up with a challenge, there’s a reason for it; it’s meant to test your courage and willingness to make a change and take a chance on something new. There’s no point in denying that things are different now, or being fearful of the next step. The challenge will not wait even if you hesitate. Life only moves in one direction – forward. This challenge is your chance to let go of the old and make way for the new. Your destiny awaits your decision. (Read The Untethered Soul.)
- Focus on today. – You can decide right now that negative experiences from your past will not predict your future. Figure out what the next positive step is, no matter how small or difficult, and take it. Ultimately, the only thing you can ever really do is to keep moving forward. Take that leap without hesitation, without looking back. Simply forget the past, look straight ahead and forge toward the future.
The floor is yours…
What are you holding on to that’s holding you back? What’s the first step you need to take to let it go? Share your thoughts with us by leaving a comment below.
Photo by: Hartwig HKD
gdbye says
I still miss her, the sense of attachment perhaps or simply the amount of effort I put in, or how I open my heart to her. It’s such waste as I wanted to give her everything I could give in terms of financial or emotion. I even told myself “she is the one I want to grow old with’. But she moved on after 3 months totally no longer have any feelings towards me… guess its time I move on too get a better job, better friends, and better companion in life. I used to love u. it takes two hands to clap.
Shane says
Thank You
May you and your site continually be blessed.
Nicole says
I have been with someone for almost 3 years now. At first I admit I didn’t expect us to go this far. Now we broke up. But this isn’t the first time, not even the fifth. We split so many times that I lost count (those small ones). We usually get back together and patch things up. But we did have big fights those that last for months. Still we managed to settle it. Now I feel this is the last time. I want to stick with my decision of ending it. I always come running back or just accept him without thinking since I fear he would love another or I would not find someone else. But this relationship has hurt us too much to continue. We’re in the start of our careers and I would not like our relationship to affect this.
Thank you for making this article. A lot of your points really struck me and I hope I can do this. I know it won’t be easy but its worth the try.
John says
Hey Nicole, im in the same situation, except for the 3 year part, it’s only been a couple of months for me… But i don’t think it matters the amount of time, this girl and i keep arguing, split up for a bit, try to tell ourselves (myself anyways) I don’t want her anymore because she keeps being negative, very unsupportive and playing mind games as if I’m her form of entertainment. Shes been acting like her mind-game self lately, something is wrong.. ive tried every angle to find out what. it seems like she just wanted some space. So I left her alone since she was ignoring me anyways… since I didn’t talk to her today she put her fb status is single now and deleted me. As this type of behavior has happened before.. ill ask her why she did all that.. she will say “oh well because you stopped talking to me”. But I stopped talking to her because she didn’t want to talk. She keeps playing these games!! I’m sick of it.
From past experience from growing up I’ve seen my dad get back with whatever current girlfriend/wife he is with, breaking up and getting back together constantly over a period of 20 years now between 3 different woman. DO I WANT TO BE LIKE THAT? Heck no! Its hard to let go, it burns inside my heart like a volcano while falling down an endless black hole to letting her go, but I have to do it, She doesn’t care to recognize I’m open to communication to fixing things, she just wants to be miserable and use any chance she gets to get me jumping to her feet seeking her approval and acceptance once again. She seems like shes insecure but she hides it well and does this over and over to boost herself up.
Ive showed my love for her always. I deserve better than the 5% happiness she gives me compared to the 95% misery – the 5% makes me want to run back for a brief moment of happiness again.. followed by her doing the same thing over and over. I don’t want to be like my dad, I want to be secure and know what I deserve and be confident in the decisions I make. I wont second guess myself.. I don’t need to.. because if she was going to stop, after seeing me cry and all the other negative feelings I went through.. she would have. Time to move on. I feel God will reward me and replace her accordingly because of the inner strength I found to move on.
Nicole says
Thank you so much!! I went thru a terrible divorce latched onto the first person that promises me the world, just to move me 8 hours from my family drain me financially and leave me. All by my choice because I believed in him. I was left with a mess and to raise my boys from my marriage by myself. I allowed myself to become a mistress to my boss. We eventually got caught, something I’m very ashamed of. I have no friends or family here and I latched onto my boss. He’s much older doesn’t want to be involved with my kids and I’m still just the pretty sex toy.
I know I have to make a change. I’m scared I don’t know where to go or what to do. I keep waiting for god to open an opportunity for me and its like my life is on stand by. It’s depressing, I use to be so full if life always up for anything. My life feels like its still spinning out of control. BUt I’m gaining strength and I’m going to do my best to live by these rules.
chisom says
Really inspirational read. Thanks.
Carla says
I need to move on from my past. I find myself continuously being upset about all the ways it didn’t see it going or working out. I fear that if I don’t start to actively move forward, leaving everything behind that I will become closed and that I’ll never allow myself the freedom I once had.
Never knew letting go would be so difficult..
mia Amoure says
You couldn’t be more right. It’s like these words were meant just for me.
A Girl Out There... says
Thank you for your post. I need to find the strength and to take a chance on myself. I know that being alone doesn’t necessarily mean forever, but I’m 29 and have been with my bf for 4 years now and I’m scared of never finding a love as deep as this one again. I love him and am in love with him, but I don’t like him. He’s selfish, moody and deceitful. I deserve better, I know this, but believing better is out there for me sometimes isn’t enough for me to take the chance. I feel as though everything that has happened in our relationship has damaged my confidence. I hope that you will consider writing a follow up post on “finding the confidence to move on” as this post has given me a glimmer of hope.
LINDSAY says
That was very interesting to read. I find myself still stuck on my past. My boyfriend of 2 1/2 cheated on me with my best friend 8 months ago. They kept it a secret for awhile, I broke up with him and was so upset with her. After a couple of months a gave in an forgave them both. Its been several times I still find myself sitting there trying to see a picture of how and when. I have told my self over and over that I can not prevent anything from happening again. If It will happen again, there’s nothing I can do to stop it, so I need to stop researching. I would of never thought in a million years he would of cheated on me. I just can not let it go no matter how hard I try.
Eli Lucas says
I learned a corollary to the above from my coach, mentor and hypnotist, world record holder, Olympic weight lifting champion and Pittsburgh Steeler strength coach Louis Riecke. Coach worked with me for thirty years to produce my best performance while in competition on a racquetball court: “When you make a mistake, learn from it then forget it.” Coach also worked with Terry Bradshaw during the Steeler ten-year run of supremacy in the ’70s on the exact same truism.
Marcus says
I think this was a really good article, now if I can only apply things to my life. I have been with my girl friend on and off for 16 years and we have 2 kids together. I never grew up in a house with my mother and father and I always wanted to provide that for my kids. The fact that I wanted my kids to have a two parent home I held on to the relationship for as long as I could. We clearly grew in different directions and life just took its course on our relationship.
One of the funny things I think about is that when we started dating we had beepers, and now we have instagram. lol. But I have met someone new who fulfills my every need, however I feel stuck on the love I shared with my ex. My friends tell me everything was fine until I spotted her with another man, seeing her smile and look happy with someone else really crushed my insides because one of the major reasons we broke up we because I felt she wasn’t loving and she didn’t express love to me, along with the arguing in front the kids. But to wrap it all up, she has moved on and so have I, I really want to let go of this love and move on with my life. Well good luck to me and I think Iam going to re read this artical
Candy says
Totally helpful!
I like the statement, “What was right for you then is not necessarily right for you now.” Also, to claim ownership and full control of your life.
I have been contemplating lately and is feeling unhappy where I am right now. There had been an incident last year that has been whispering to me now to do something else….or that I should be somewhere else.
There is fear of leaving my comfort zone like leaving my job for almost 8 years now, doing a different routine, not knowing how the world would accept your changes, or maybe a fear that the world can be cruel again at you in the future and not being able to go back.
Past incidents in our life should not be hindrances but the memories should remain as stepping stones toward one’s realization of the purpose of his/her existence. In my case, it became an eye-opener. The death of my beloved elder brother in the hands of negligent people changed me and my perspective in life. Since then, I am feeling the urge of doing something else but I became immoveable too until now. Mind VS Actions. I want to move forward and generate results.
So help me God…
Thanks for this motivating post!
Confused says
I am currently having a problem letting go. Mine has been a 30+ year friendship/relationship. I ended the friendship in April but have never truly let go and before reading this article, I wasn’t sure how to. This has helped and I know the I have the strength to move on.
maria says
I really enjoyed reading your blog. I have been divorced for 3 yrs now and I still hold on to the past, and it is time to let go and forgive. I need to focus in what is important and let go.
Denise says
Thank you for this.
Polly says
Thank you Marc and Angel…….I have been tormenting myself for 3 yrs now. I couldn’t get over my ex leaving me and our son….its been really tough because we work in the same venue. I know you would be thinking maybe change your job girl…but this company is so good for me and my son they have helped loads through the yrs. I have for yrs had to watch him move on start a new life while I painfully sat at the side. I got so angry and bitter I was a single parent of a small 3yr old and he was having holidays and just moved on and away from us.
I have been reading your blogs for a while now and it has totally changed me, my outlook… I have learned to move forward with my head high and I see such a fantastic future for my son and me. I could go on and on. Thank you 🙂
Jen says
Thanks for this insightful blog…I have been living my life in deep pain because my husband cheated on me a year ago. Reading your blog I am certain that I want to move on with my life.
k says
Thanks a lot for posting this. Bless you.
Tammy says
Thank you for your article, it made total sense. Now a question I have is how do you or what do you do when the negativity and the back stabbing is non ending and it comes from your family? How do you break that vicious cycle? It has been going on forever and these people will not change.
Betsy says
So many people talk sense here. I agree with Heather, as well as many others. I was married for 36 years and it’s so hard to forget the past. I don’t want to forget the past, because in my case it was wonderful, but I also know I need to move to the present.
In my case there was sickness and there was a lack of intimacy for over 15 years. I never strayed, and put my wants and needs aside, while I became caretaker. Our love grew stronger each day. I miss the fact that I will not be able to grow old with him. He passed in 2011.
Many couples today have a fight and are ready to call it quits. True love is something that so many couples stuggle with. I have posted before that it is a give and take situation, almost daily.
I need to get my groove back. I read all of these posts, and I agree with most. I know that what people write are true, but I don’t know how to apply to my life. I am just so lonely. I know small baby steps that Marc mentioned is the best way, but it seems like for every 1 small step I take forward, I take 2 backward. I guess the best I can do, is to try to keep moving forward, 1 small step at a time.
Viv says
Thank you for putting into words what I have felt so strongly about many times but have not had the words to express. I have moved on many times but still struggle with moving on in my career…simply out of fear and self-doubt.
thepianist1221 says
Thank you for lifting me up…I am in such a hopeless situation, partly due to my stubbornness and refusing to let go…your words acted like a balm to my wounded soul….
Born2write says
This article was great it brought up some nice insight and vital information I need to hear. I have stumbled across this site a couple of time and have always enjoyed it. I want to thank you for your hard work and positive messages.
I have been having problems with letting go and realizing that I’m not who I once was. I find that people always view me in the light they last remember me in, and instead of letting that image go I try to hold on and relive it. I can say that some of the tips here I have tried and they have truly helped me let go. I look forward to more articles – thanks.
Frieda says
Thank you so much for this article. I have been in a “relationship” with this guy for a year and a half. Well, we were actually friends with benefits. I thought it would work out between the two of us but it didn’t. He told me that he is dating someone already and it crushed my world because I was hoping and praying every single day that he will like me too. Apparently, we were just both “benefiting” from the relationship.
I am still in pain of letting go of the hope of my “what if’s” and “what might have been,” but I guess everything happens for a reason. If a door is closed, a bigger window is now open.
Laurelee says
Each of us needs to take control of and responsibility for our own decisions. You cannot change a person but, at times, you can help them to grow. A book I read that helped me is The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. My perception of how love is communicated (can be through physical touch, affirming words, acts of service, gifts or quality time) is different from those around me. Knowing how I perceive love and how those around me are showing me their love has helped me to be more understanding. Sometimes those who are negative are trying to show their love but doing it in a fear based negative pattern. Been there, done that.
Love your neighbor as yourself. To me, this means before I could truly, unselfishly love anyone else I needed to love, honor, respect and forgive myself. As I changed, I attracted those type of people into my life, and you will too. I set boundaries as to what I will now accept. Thankfully I am not the same person I was when I was younger and can feel truly happy for others peoples successes instead of feeling diminished or threatened by it. I have been blessed that my husband of 28 years and my friends of a lifetime have given me the room to grow and change. It doesn’t mean it has always been easy but it has been worth it.
I want to add encouragement to all of you for having the courage to make changes in your life. It is much easier to sit back and wish for someone to rescue us than to realize it is up to us, and only us, to make decisions we need in our lives.
Janet says
I was looking for hope to move on in my life after losing my husband last June. I now find myself alone with my 13 year old child at the age of 50 and missing my husband so much. It hurts, but I need to find strength to move on with my daily life, for my son. It is easy to read your words, and a lot more difficult to carry them out, but I am trying, and I appreciate the advice.
Hristiqn Nikolov says
I am sending this article to all my friends. These tips are amazing for all those people that are stuck in their lives. Sometimes we all hit an invisible wall that stops us from improving. And this post is just the perfect guide on how to deal with it.
Shie says
I just ended my relationship for more than 2 years last night. He is kind of man that is so fickle minded in his decisions. He gave me false hope of marriage. It so hard because he is my first bf and first love. I am 24 years old and so afraid to be left alone. But, I need to let go of him. He is not the right man for me. For 2 years in a relationship, I never met his parents, his friends, his colleagues. To me, this means he is not really proud of me. He is looking for “better” girl. It’s not me that he wants.
I want to love myself. Tears me apart. Crying the whole night and at the CR at work… Yet, it is the BEST thing to do. I can’t settle to someone who doesn’t want ME. 🙁
Thank u for this wonderful article. Great help.
Holly says
Thank you so much. This has been really helpful. I was in an a relationship on and off for about 4 and1/2 years. It was awesome at first and there was so much love between us. Things started to go bad when he drank and listened to his fraternity brothers about how our relationship should be. I put up with it for a little while and then I decided enough was enough. I broke up with him and then he decided he wanted to change. The thing is I took him for granted after that point because I felt I had the “right” because he treated me so badly before. The truth is that you don’t change unless you really want to. I am still living with the guilt that I have been trying to let go of for the past year. It’s time.
Michelle Z says
I looked at the other comments and it’s crazy how we all go through something so similar in our lives…as I was here at home doing some research about something else, my mind was somewhere else feeling sad anxious and angry at myself for always remembering something so old that can only cause me pain and hate towards my bf.
So i just Googled how to let go of the past blahblah…and I found this and in my mind, I was just like “this is the last time trying to read something that is not gonna help me because i already know what it says” but i was wrong…
Thank you for this, for caring about other people. Thank you so much.
Linda says
Living in the past has been a struggle for me. I often think about past events and try to recreate them with the ending that I prefer, as opposed to accepting the past, learning from it and moving on from it. I appreciate the advice of #1: “…Accept the truth and be thankful. – To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow…” I have struggled with being thankful, especially for a painful experience. I am now learning to be able to look back on a painful experience and to learn the lessons for it, while being thankful for getting through it. I still struggle with being thankful for what I perceive are negative experiences. However, I find that you can learn from any and all experiences. Thanks.
Lisa says
I was in an abusive marriage (add 3 kids) for 12 years, went through the whole intense divorce thing(after he made another woman pregnant while I was pregnant with my 3rd – having endured verbal, physical, mental abuse primarily as a result of his addictions…it happens) Then my first love came back into my life and wow! I was blown away , I wanted to lose myself in him but I still resisted him and he me because of our past hurts…
We grew close together in some ways (these past 4 years) and have been “healing” together but I moved away from him (literally) because I didn’t “feel ready” – I realised I needed to sort out various aspects of myself and life, to heal and recover, in order to be in a place where I was emotionally and physically available to him (or any man)in a healthy way.
We have stayed in contact, sometimes almost daily but I have come to realise this is actually not healthy – it’s been like riding on a merry go round. Until we deal with our own issues apart, we don’t ever have a hope of “making a relationship work”together. It wouldn’t work, not the way things are at the moment.
Although we are “connected” in an almost “soul” sense, we are not ACTUALLY in a REAL relationship.We are pretending to be the best of “friends” , flirting, encouraging and affirming, which is awesome if it could stay that way …but my heart has got attached… I am not ready in REALITY for more and neither is he, now we have to face the pain of letting go of the illusion, the fantasy.
We are both very imaginative, creative people but we HAVE to face REALITY and if we can’t or are not READY to bring our “relationship” into the realm of what is REAL then it is very dysfunctional, frustrating and toxic to us both us.
I have now said as much and decided to “distance myself for awhile” to get some perspective on my life. It is so painful, at times I just want to fall back into the fantasy but I know, for BOTH our sakes I have to be strong and “go through the fire”. In time, perhaps we can be friends and maybe it will even develop into something really beautiful – but I can assure you, that will not be through text messages! (How easy it is to hide behind the safety of neatly typed little words!)
Emotions will subside…in time. Emotional habits will be broken…in time. Life will flow back in and the balance of the universe (well our little one’s) will be restored but for now, it HURTS dammit! – That’s okay though. I want to do things the RIGHT way for once. I want to trust in God to direct us both and I want to learn the serenity of acceptance, the courage of change and the wisdom of waiting and letting go…
I wish you all peace of mind in your various struggles and trials. Keep the faith, keep believing and remember circumstances can change, you can change, where there is life – there is hope for a better tomorrow!
Sarah says
This article reached out to me. I am in a current situation with a friend that lives life to the fullest, will make mistakes and learn as she goes. That is the best attitude to have, but I am the friend that is afraid to take risks because I am afraid of failure and it’s effecting our friendship. I don’t want to see her fail and it frustrates me, I guess I try to hard to help resolve the problems as soon as they arise, but she doesn’t like when I get involved in her problems. I make an effort to try to stay out of them and only give input when she wants it, and she keeps bringing her problems out in the open and it will stress me out. I feel the step about distancing yourself for a while, but how do I do that without cutting her out of my life? She however, has been a good friend to me. Sometimes failure is the only way to learn, I guess I just have to let go, leave it at the door and just be the best person I can be.
Melanie says
I needed to be reminded of this: “The mental space you create by letting go of things that are already behind you gives you the ability to fill the space with something fresh and fun.”
After battling through years of addiction and untreated bipolar disorder I went on an excruciating mission to get over it all. After for years of therapy and a stint in rehab, I fell in love with someone who loved me more deeply than anyone has ever loved me in my life. He too had battled the same demons. We were kindred spirits.
We grew to love each other slowly over time,and then spent two intense months in a romantic relationship. But he was married with children and for his children’s sake we could never be together officially. So I had to end it.
I know he came into my life to teach me that I was loveable. I know that this will be a positive love to remember regardless of the fact it couldn’t last. I know that I need to let go of it. But I can’t right now. I’m clinging on to future hopes of him leaving his wife and being with me, even though I know it wont happen. Even thought I know that if it did happen, I’d be wracked with guilt about the children.
I know I need to see it for what it is and open myself up to the new love opportunities that I deserve. I’m trying. Thank you.
Tara says
I have had a tough year. I had a falling out with my oldest friend in February, I decided to go off antidepressants after maybe 10 years in late March, my husband started a job where he is home for barely one hour in the evenings at the end of April, my mother had an amputation and then passed away in July, my son started JK in September and I have only one child, my sisters have been on the attack over the will since November. I don’t even know where to start about needing to let go and move on. Everything is to blame. Everything needs changing and I don’t know which thing to choose or move on from. I believe at times that I am coming through this and then I crash. I have blamed my friend, my sisters, my husband, his parents…I don’t know where to begin…. So inevitably I most certainly end up blaming myself…yup. I have a really low score on the self compassion scale….Not sure why I’m typing this..I practice mindfulness and meditation….Maybe the process is slow and if I hadn’t done all the work I might have been institutionalized…Kind of wouldn’t mind the break…
Bong Sanchez says
This article made me realize that there is no such thing as “I know”… there are still a lot of things to know and a lot of space to move, to change… Thanks for reminding me. I thought I was okay, never realizing that my life right now is pulling me down… negativity all around. Knowing how to move on is easy, but moving on is sure dar hard, but reading your article gives me the idea of how to really do it. Really love to share my experience but I think there is no need to dwell on the past, right? I will just take your advice and use it as a guide to improve “ME”… thank you for this…
Rudy says
Great post – reminds me of my past break up relationships. Not only does it apply to friendship but to other relationships as well.
The pain will be the same no matter what kind of relationships we are in. It is the pain that would make us hold on to the past and the only way to get over it is to feel the pain and go thru it.
Natalia says
THANK YOU. That’s all that can be said after reading.
pia says
THANK YOU. That’s all that can be said after reading.
Gayle says
I really enjoyed reading this. I looked up letting go on Google, not because of a relationship, though I have been there, but because of the past.
Not hyper dramatic, but over a year ago I was single and flirted with a recently single male friend. Nothing ever happened and we communicated by email, but as I say flirted – I think we were both flattered… Anyways… His ex hacked his computer and started calling me and sending emails. I felt more scared than anything, as he said she was acting crazy, then bang they sorted it out and I’m the bad one! I changed my number etc but still got threatening messages. I have felt guilt for flirting that hurt her, bitterness at being judged and attacked, and jealousy at their reunion. I guess we all have things to let go of. The past is the past and I’m trying to forgive myself and them for the mistakes made, because seriously the resentment Just eats at you!!
Bik says
I so needed this today. You have really inspired me. Thank you so much.
Dawn says
What am I holding on to that’s holding me back? 4 months ago I said I do to the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and 4 1/2 hours later he dropped dead. 4 months later the tears have slowed down and I have tried to let go to move forward but I can’t seem to move my feet. What’s the first step you need to take to let it go? I really don’t know.
Terra says
This article has literally opened my eyes. I had a terrible past with depression, hurt people I loved and got hurt by a lot of people that I thought loved me. I was able to over come the depression and fix the relationships that had broke to a point where we are civil and able to be around each other but I have never known why I don’t want anything to do with them anymore. Some are family and some were friends. This article made me open my eyes in knowing that sometimes people grow apart and learn that we need positive people and because of all the negative that happened, building those solid friendships are no longer possible. I feel more free and happy when I am with others I just needed to know why I felt this way. I thought it was my depression coming back but its my mind and body telling me its time to “move on”.
danielle says
I have been in a relationship for a year next month and I’m lost. I feel like there’s no love any more like we have lost each other. We look at things differently. A few months ago we were perfect. But then we lost our house and our baby and had to move in with his aunt. It has caused a lot of stress and hurt. Now I don’t know what to do. If I stay I will be in misery but if I go I will be miserable also! We don’t touch no more or really talk. What do I do ? Let go?????
Misty says
I’m so glad I stumbled across this today. Reading the article was just as powerful as reading all the comments! Thank you to everyone for sharing part of your life. I truly have gained perspective. I’m blessed in life, and my focus on always wanting to be better & do better is making me focus on the negative (things I want to & am trying to improve). I need to approach things differently. I cant stand negative people & am realizing that on my quest for greatness I can tend to be that person. Thats a crappy realization, let me tell you! The bottom line is that I am incredibly blessed & need to be thankful for my life & look forward to what the future holds.
Geiger says
I’ve been stuck in limbo for a a long time now, the absence of a positive change, and the absence of learning or really doing much of anything. I should be in grade eleven or twelve right now, but I’ve been very tardy and rebellious. Mainly because of laziness that I blame on everyone but myself. I’m a very sensitive, headstrong person that takes most everything personally; people’s opinions, people’s actions and statements- even if it has nothing to do with me, and even if people are trying to help.
I never saw it that way. I need to move on, learn how to let things go gracefully without being bitter and angry over what I can’t change. I’m so bad for holding grudges, when it’s much more graceful and kind to just forgive and forget. Not wholly for their sake, but also for mine.
I’m hoping that I can get back to school this September and work on myself. I’m so horrible in the will-power department, and excuse-making is a second language at this point. I somehow just expect everything to fall into place and work out on its own if it’s meant to, and I guess that’s not how things work, no matter how much I’ve tried to deny it over the years.
I’m a sixteen year old shut-in with no social life and a future that isn’t very bright, should I continue the way I’m going. I don’t want to be one of those people. I think I need to start writing this article down, because the points may be written kindly and factually, they pack the punch you need. If this was something I could read every morning for motivation, I think I might be on the right track to changing how things are for me. And I truly hope that I don’t fall back into the pit of self-pity and ‘I hate my life but I can’t change it because it’s everyone’s fault but mine.’
So here’s hoping, and trying, and grinding forward despite the back of my mind telling me it would be much more comfortable to just go back to being a hermit while my mother and stepfather do all the heavy lifting, letting people do all the had work for me. I don’t want to be that person.
Sarai says
Thank you very much for this article. I’m definitely going to bookmark it to refer back to everyday.
I’m in a tough situation going through my parents’ divorce with them (I’m an only child.) I always feel that they made a mistake telling me all the details of their issues. But I can just learn from it and help them move forward. It’s just hard for me to see my family break up when we all used to be so close.
But just like the articles says “Focus only on what can be changed.” That’s exactly what I’m going to do.
I wish everyone the best with all of their struggles.
Nisha says
This article is brilliant, but letting go is tough. I had been engaged with a guy and then he got married , we were on and off on talking but now suddenly we have interacted a lot and I have come to know that there were some reasons that he got married. Now he has shown interest in me, and as I am getting closer to him it’s hurting me. So finally I told him that we should not talk. But this has torn me apart as the idea of not being in touch with him leads me to depression. How do I let this feeling go in spite of knowing that there is no future? I’m struggling with this.
Ken says
How do you know if the person in your life is a there as a challenge for you to overcome or someone you need to let go of and move on?