An acquaintance has a little something in common with you and merely enjoys your company for a short time. A fair-weather friend flatters you when the sun is shining and the birds are chirping. A true friend, on the other hand, has your very best interests at heart and would NEVER…
1. Criticize you for being flawed.
As flawed as you might be, as out of place as you sometimes feel, and as lacking as you think you are, you don’t have to hide all the imperfect pieces of yourself from a true friend. They see your flaws as features that make you interesting and beautiful.
The quality of the happiness between two people grows in direct proportion to their acceptance, and in inverse proportion to their intolerance and expectations. True friends love and appreciate each other just the way they are.
2. Walk away when times get tough.
True friendship and good character is all about how a person nurtures another person when they are vulnerable and can give very little in return. Thus, it’s not who’s standing beside you during good times, but the ones who stick by you through tough times that are your true friends.
So take note of who remains in your life when times get tough, especially the people who sacrifice the resources they have in their life to help you improve yours when you need it most. Seriously, when you come out the other side of a difficult period in your life, look around you. The people still standing beside you are your true friends.
3. Discourage you.
Unfortunately, some who seem like your friends will try to hold you back from your full potential. It may be difficult, but don’t let these negative imposters bring you down. Don’t ever let your so-called friends turn your sky into a ceiling. Beware of friends who try to belittle your ambitions. Small hearts and minds always do that. The greatest hearts and minds – the people you should spend time around – make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Remember, encouraging things happen when you distance yourself from discouraging people. Doing so doesn’t mean you hate them, it simply means you respect yourself. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
4. Hold a grudge over your head.
Some people will refuse to accept that you are no longer who you used to be – that you’ve made mistakes in the past, learned from them, and moved beyond them. They may not be able to stand the fact that you’re growing and moving on with your life, and so they will try to drag your past to catch up with you. Do not help them by acknowledging their begrudging behavior. Let go of their negativity, find peace, and liberate yourself!
A true friend never holds the unchangeable past against you; instead, they help your repair your present and future. If someone relentlessly judges you by your past and holds it against you, you might have to take matters into your own hands, and repair your present and future by leaving them behind.
5. Lie to you.
When you keep someone in your life who is a chronic liar, and you keep giving them new chances to be trusted, you have a lot in common with this person – you’re both lying and being unfriendly to YOU.
If you know someone who avoids the truth by telling you only what you want to hear, they do so for their own benefit, not yours. They are not a true friend and they don’t deserve to be treated as such.
6. Pretend like they have all the answers.
If you think about the people who have had the greatest positive effect on your life – the ones who truly made a difference – you will likely realize that they aren’t the ones that tried to give you all the answers or solve all your problems. They’re the ones who sat silently with you when you needed a moment to think, who lent you a shoulder when you needed to cry, and who tolerated not having all the answers, but stood beside you anyway.
Don’t look for a friend who will solve all your problems; look for one who will face them with you. (Read Tuesdays with Morrie.)
7. Take from you without giving back.
You deserve to be with friends who make you smile – friends who don’t take you for granted – friends who won’t leave you hanging. When you notice that a friend is always taking from you without giving back, you might need to distance yourself from them for a while. If they care, they’ll notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand.
You should want to give, but you shouldn’t be forced to always give more than you get. If you feel like you are being taken advantage of, respect yourself enough to confront the situation. This doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends with those who you feel are at fault, but you need to evaluate your friendships and realize where to draw the line when you give yourself to certain people.
8. Bully you.
It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but just as much to stand up to your friends. Sometimes bullying comes from the most unlikely places. Be cognizant of how your friends treat you, and look out for the subtle jabs they throw. When necessary, confront them or distance yourself from them – whatever it takes to give yourself the opportunity to grow into who you really are.
Life’s too short to be hanging around people who try to control and manipulate you. Anyone who does so is not a true friend. Gain your independence by taking off the shackles and freeing yourself from these bullies. (Read The Mastery of Love.)
9. Make you feel like you’re burdening them.
True friendship is never burdened with stressful promises and obligations. What true friends do for each other should be done because they care and because they want to do them. Period.
So don’t chase people. They don’t need to be chased. If someone is a true friend and wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever force yourself on someone who continuously overlooks your worth.
Afterthoughts
A true friend who understands your tears and troubles is far more valuable than a hundred friends who only show up for your smiles and joys. Because a true friend accepts who you truly are, and also helps you become who you are capable of being.
Friendships like this require more than just finding the right person, they also require you to be the right person. When someone believes in you enough to lift you up, try not to let them down. True friendship is a sweet responsibility to be nurtured, not an opportunity to be exploited.
Your turn…
What would you add to the list? What’s one thing a true friend would never do? Leave a comment below and let us know.
Photo by: JDConway
Vincent says
Ah, all the hard-hitting points. A true friend would never stop trying to bring you back to a safe place. Sometimes I may be going through some rough patches and I’d want to close myself off. My true friends won’t disregard my pain and just give up after I try to push them away. They’ll give me some space, but subtly try to pick me back up.
Kenneth Gale says
A true friend will hold your most inner secrets to their heart and never *ever let those secrets out. A true friend will also not dig those secrets out of you.
Dan says
I think it’s worth noting that humans make mistakes and that sometimes your “true friends” will actually slip up. It comes down to an in-the-moment choice about forgiveness. I see too many people throw away long-term friendships for minor slips.
That said, I totally agree with the overall concept of having high expectations of others and not compromising your values, ideals and self-respect for repeat offenders.
GB says
True friends don’t force you to be anyone other than the unique, beautiful person you always have been.
KP says
Gosh, my husband does 1, 3, 4, 6, 8, 9 to me. Warning bells!!!
Ghislaine says
Sadly, my mother was definitely not my friend.
Glen says
True friends would not:
-keep reminding you of your failures
-forget to five you credit when you succeed
-break their commitments
Sandra Hamlett says
A true friend does not abandon a friend in need even when that friend doesn’t know they’re in need. A true friend is loving and supportive and there for the long haul, not when it’s convenient.
vernette says
Sometimes you must be willing to walk away from a friendship that is toxic.
Colette says
All great comments and thoughts. Thoroughly enjoy and am inspired by your newsletters. I share them with family and friends regularly.
I would add just one thing to this list. Other than extreme circumstances (health, safety, etc) a true friend should not betray his/her friend’s confidence. Gossip is never a good thing.
CJ Langley says
…holds you accountable.
Dev says
True friends are the family you met along the way. They respect you for who you are and discredit you for who you are not.
Great post as usual!
Jacee says
Every morning the first thing I do is read your blog!! Thank you Marc & Angel for being so inspirational.
I am going through a rough patch in life right now and there is decisions that I need to make. You have opened my eyes to a lot of things… I really needed today’s post!! I totally agree with KP, my husband does all of the above! I am trying to gather my inner strength to address the situation.
Barbara says
I think it is important to nurture friendships that energise you and don’t leave you drained. However I agree with Dan your friends are human too and sometimes they will slip up. Accepting that your friends aren’t going to be perfect is important too.
Amandah says
Great post on friendship.
A true friend will not hold you back from doing something that is best for YOU. For example, if you know intuitively that you’re supposed to move to another area, state, or country, a true friend will *wish* you well and *good luck.* A true friend will be supportive and understand that you have to do what you have to do.
Percy says
Some of these points are a bit ‘pie in the sky’ if they aren’t dealt with appropriately. No one is perfect and when a friend isn’t over the moon about some decision you’ve made, maybe they have a perspective that you don’t. Friendship is a responsibility and that should not be taken lightly. It’s all about balance. I’d rather have a friend who is brave enough to be completely honest with me than someone who feels compelled to just support anything that I randomly decide upon.
David Rapp says
True friends would never:
1. Use your failings, shortcomings, or fears against you.
2. Allow someone to attack you without stepping up to your defense, even if you are not there in person.
3. Be afraid to say good-bye without saying I love you
4. List you as a “go to” person to care for their children in an emergency, even over your local family
Beatrice says
For those of you that have mentioned your spouses do the things mentioned above… I am less than one year out of a marriage with a man who acted that way towards me. But I was emotionally terrified to leave him. I doubted myself to the point where I had no voice or self worth. I am still recovering from the years of his emotional mistreatment of me. But I will heal and you can too. Make the courageous step to end the toxic marriage. It can be done and recovery is slow, but forthcoming. No one deserves to be with someone who doubts ANY part of you. This blog has re-affirmed the inner voice inside of me. I know I’m going to be ok. And you will too. <3
Linda says
This is so timely for me. I’m in the process of letting go of a friendship. Items #7 and 9 are the big reasons why I’m doing the right thing. It just hurts to let go and not feel like I failed in some way. I truly love this person and was the best friend I knew how to be, but sadly, the sentiment really wasn’t returned. Seeing things laid out in this blog help me know I am not alone.
Chris says
When the other person who calles you her “best friend” is not the same anymore, and drains you out everytime we meet… is it because we are not of the same wavelength anymore? Or maybe because I’m not trying? I’ve reached a point where I told myself “no, I’m not gonna try so hard.” Thing is, she regards me as her bff, but the same can’t be said for me. I kinda want out of this whole thing, because she can be a real energy sucker. She experiences things in which I don’t know how to handle either. Her dilemmas soon turn into mine too, because I still care. But I feel that this is quite unnecessary, like a baggage weighing me down. Guess the problem is with me, is it? I am still supportive of her. But at times, besides listening to her, I really don’t know what else to do…
wisdom says
A true friend would always like to know what is happening in your life-whether you are enjoying any good moments so that you can share together or facing any challenges that he or she might want to help!
TLC says
Never take you for granted. True friends understand, protect, nurture, develop and appreciate the friendship.
Julie Achterhoff says
I would like to recommend a wonderful book I just read for us women who have trouble with toxic relationships. It’s called “Women Who Love Too Much,” by Robin Norwood. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have gotten a hold of this book! I guess maybe I finally suffered enough banging my head against the wall and never understanding why love equaled pain. There is a way out and this is the map!
Julie says
Sadly, my one and only daughter is not a friend to me. Nor is my husband anymore. I am held to some other standard, a double standard. In fact my whole family does all of the above. I now realise what a toxic childhood I had and how it has created this “me” on search of the real authentic me.
Charlie says
Once again, Marc & Angel, you guys are THE best!
Chris says
Include yourself in your list of friends. … most of the time we are our own worst enemies … ask yourself if you would you let someone else talk to you the way you talk to yourself?
BRC says
#2 Walk away when times get tough.
I have been saying this for nearly a year…If you want to know who your true friends are, go through a crisis in your life!
I would also add – if they are a bad influence. I was drinking too much with a few women and now that I am limiting my time with them, I am feeling so much better and so much more productive. Drinking is something I know I need to watch, but I was actually pressured to party like I was 20. My mind is clearer now and my family appreciates it.
Charlotte says
Marc and Angel, thank you for this! I just spent an evening (my last) with a person who has perfected items 3, 6, 8 and 9 from your list. I’ve sensed for a while that she really isn’t friend material but I thought to try one more time with her to see if her hostility, negativity and downer attitude towards me was temporary but now I see that is how she is and recognized how draining and damaging it is for me to spend time with her. I realized that I want a friend and she wants a kicking sack.
Tatiana Milejska says
I agree with all these points. Very true. When it comes to romantic relationships however; if someone truly loves, truly values you, they should stick by your side no matter what and never abandon you. Regardless of how difficult a situation may appear, the truth is, things always get better in time. Once you weather the storm together, brighter days are sure to follow. They always do. It’s a hard fact to swallow believing someone loved you when their actions suggest they probably never really loved you at all.
J Byrnes says
A true friend would travel great distances without hesitation to have your back.
Kelly says
True friends will seek to understand your differences (or at least accept without judgement – not ‘tolerate’ – their existence) and compromise so you can give each other what you have to offer, rather than judge those differences against their own ideas and declare them wrong. I have recently let a friendship go with an extrovert (I’m an introvert) who refused to understand that her ‘social world’ was not the real world to everyone, and certainly not for me. Despite repeatedly providing information to explain my own ‘real world’ she attacked me for my life in fantasy land although I’ve always understood the difference between myself and extroverts and have no issue with it. This in itself is not an uncommon attack on introverts, as far as I know.
I have discovered on my own journey that you can actually understand anyone, if you work out or ask for the chain of thoughts that makes their choices make sense to them. Without agreeing, or ever thinking you’d do it yourself – you can still understand how they chose what they did. It’s an amazing thing to discover that even the most out of touch, mentally ill person can make perfect sense, even if their choices/conclusions would never make sense to you. I can’t recommend learning this skill highly enough. It mostly involves considering why and how, those details are keys to the minds of others!
And also just a real world consideration, as far as giving priority – when a friend is in a life that may not allow physical presence as much as they would like to offer you in your tough times – please see what else they might be offering before judging them as not there. My husband has PTSD and we do a lot of work with him. We have children and my family is my main priority, but it doesn’t mean others are not important.
I am not as available for others as I would normally be but I try to connect in other ways, and provide help in alternative places. I am giving from what I have, even if what I have is not the ability to be 100% devoted to my friend. Not being available all the time and not being physically on hand doesn’t mean I’m not giving. In this I ensure I acknowledge my awareness of not being the best version of a friend. If you see those things, please think before declaring someone not a true friend.
Jutta O'Brien says
KP-Proud of you! Your path will be difficult, but it will be a path you choose and you can adjust it as you get stronger and stronger. I found support groups and private counseling to be very helpful. Stay strong by surrounding yourself with good friends and try to reach out and help others. Always a good way to combat the old feeling sorry for yourself blues.
Dov says
A true friend accepts who you are, points out your flaws as a sign of love, but accepts you with the flaws unchanged.
Robin says
A true friend does not compete with you. Rather she wishes the best for you as well as wishing the best for herself. A true friend roots for the two of you; hopes the best for the two of you; helps you to become better in all things if its in her power to do so, without EVER thinking, “Wow, if I help her, she may do better than me”.
A true friend does NOT feel the need to be “better/smarter/faster/stronger/funnier…” than you.
Sandy says
A true friend does not cut you off at the knees so they can look taller!!!
Susan says
Friendship or a Lover whether they are introverts/ extraverts, need to be able to both talk and be open to listen. It is a 2-way street. Some build themselves up to make them feel better, and genuinely care little about You.
“Communication” is misunderstood, because we misuse it. Insecurity leads to sarcasm, negativity, and not thinking about the other person.
Also, men seem to need physical contact more, & then psychological, and women the opposite.
boris nwachukwu says
A true friend will understand your mannerisms and bad habits and will try not to change you, but will influence you in to positive change by being a great example.
Marc Chernoff says
@Kenneth: Great addition on both facets!
@Dan: Spot on! Absolutely true.
@Chris: I would suggest being open and honest with her… express your true feelings. If your friend never energizes you at all, it may be time to take action. Perhaps just giving yourself some breathing room to figure things out is an appropriate first step.
@Julie Achterhoff: Thank you for the recommendation.
@Chris: GREAT perspective! You need to learn how to be your own best friend.
@All: As we recognize what we don’t want in a true friend, it’s absolutely vital that we reflect on these qualities within ourselves. As Kelly mentioned, not all friendships will look exactly the same, but they will have one quality in common: Friendships should energize more than debilitate you over the long-term. As always, thank you for keep the conversation alive. =)
Reeb says
I believe a true friend would not like to pull you down by reminding you and bringing up topics from your past that you are so desperately trying to forget.
It makes moving on so hard, when a true friend makes fun of your past or brings up the topic every time at every chance.
Allison says
I was friends with someone for 13 years and best friends with her for the past 10 years. She recently told me I hadn’t been there for her during the past 7 months when she broke up with a boyfriend who was cheating on her via emails to other women. I think I was there for her and we spent hours on phone when it first happened last fall. We have continued to talk about it and analyze him to the point where I have nothing else to say. She has stayed in contact with him because she thinks she can ‘help him’. Or at least, she says that’s the reason. All this came out via a text because she wouldn’t answer my calls. (I had changed a dinner plan to a lunch and she was very mad at me for that). I would have thought that our 10 year friendship deserved sitting down and talking about any issues she/we had. I also have to point out that while she was seeing this guy, I hardly ever saw my friend or heard from her. She never made time for me, but I have really tried to show her that I can have a boyfriend and still spend time with my friends. We are older – in our 40’s – so it’s hard for me to comprehend the way she has handled this whole thing. Thoughts?
Emma says
Reading this made me realize how precious true friends really are and makes me appreciate the few I do have even more!
Spring says
@KP – my husband too – 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9 and has threatened with 2 if I didn’t obey. Not sure if 7 applies, that is less clear.
The pity is, he used to be my very good, best friend. Now he has another “best friend,” now that I’m older, out of work, etc. As he has a high need for variety, the new and exciting, he gets bored easily. I keep hoping that one day we will be at least very good friends again, and he will treat me with respect again. When I finally accept that it’s not going to happen, I will leave.
Jamie says
What would be your advice on how to end a friendship? I would like to do it gracefully, but also would like to express in a respectful manner just how much I was hurt. This is someone I have been friends with for 30 years who treated me very coldly during and after my sister and father both being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer(s) and both dying within 6 months of each other. She did not reach out to me when it was very obvious that I was unravelling. I did reach out to her and received quite a cold shoulder. Thanks for your help and love this site. Jamie
Kim says
I’d add –
They don’t walk away when your life gets good. They celebrate your victories as much as they support your struggle. They can hold space for you in your good times too – even while they may desire the same for themselves. Instead of pulling away they lean in. And celebrate you and your journey!
Kathy says
True friends never miss a beat. meaning, you can go months or even years without seeing each other and pick-up right where you left off.
rahma says
Woooow! Your post on friendship here really reminds me who are my true friends and who are not. Great principles and reminders. Thanks.
Andrew says
Call you on your stuff. A true friend needs to be a good enough friend to be able to tell you when you are acting up, even if you don’t want to hear it.
Marie says
I have lots – all of my gym friends. I am a good friend but “criticized” by my friend in a exercise class. She told me to never criticize her in front of other people. I am apparently emotionally abusive she says. I apparently complained about an exercise and she thought all would hear and not like her classes. I realize that we had some bad moments. I didn’t think our friendship would end over this.
It has. She told me to have a good life but she wont be part of it. I am so sad. I love to exercise and want to be at the new gym. I didn’t believe she was serious. I tried to contact her 3 times. I have been going to counseling because of this and a recent job loss. I realize I may need to learn to treat friends a lot better. Do I try to apologize once more? My heart hurts. It has been 3 months. Am I crazy? We had a great loving friendship and had lost of fun outside of these fights. I don’t understand how you just decide you don’t want to have someone in your life forever.
Marie says
I really believe I have learned and changed to treat this friendship differently but not sure if time will help or how to approach and ask for another chance. I had lost my job (so had too much time to think and guess that is why I bugged her so much) and still currently looking. I want to ask her if I can work at her new gym but guess maybe she has made her decision and doesn’t want me in her life. I am an extrovert and an outgoing person but this has really hurt my confidence. I have other friends, but none are as close. Lost two other lesser friends because of this one too
5-AH says
I am a 3rd generation journalist. My saintly mother told me that it was a journalists creative right to come up with new words. So for this topic; my new word is, “Hampire”! Definition: A human being that sucks the soul out of you. It saddens me to know that there are people that can drain you of your spirit! I think that there are people out there that live in their own bubble.
They lose their patience when you have a multitude of life altering problems but hopefully only temporary challenges.
My best friend for example; she doesn’t seem to understand the domino effect. Health issues create financial dilemmas, financial problems… (Well, I don’t even need to go into detail) health and financial situations result in your sense of self worth and your emotional state of mind.
Anyway my friend got tired of my predicament. She seems to forget that I cautiously and patiently listen to her men problems as well as everyday challenges she was experiencing. Keeping in mind that it’s all relative! I BELIEVE that a true friend listens and is supportive while being delicately honest. I would never in a million years be so insensitive to say, “What is wrong with you and why can’t you move on after becoming disabled, losing you’re your job, the love of your life and being broke! I’m getting tired of listening to this”! That hurt so badly. I hibernated and closed myself off in any way possible.
I still love her but needless to say, I have disconnected for the time being! Someone once told me that no one wants to hear about your problems. I think that expressing your angst with a friend can give you such vital comfort! But I need to be cognizant of doing it in moderation and to NEVER LOOSE your positive outlook! I never stop smiling, even when I am crying inside! There is the saying, “Where there is a will there’s a way”! I say, “Where there is a will there is a ___________ (enter your name in the blank spot)!
ANY feedback would be so greatly appreciated! Any! This is my 1st time on your site! What a blessing and what an incredible concept! I feel such an incredible bond with everyone that has shared their thoughts! THANK YOU SO MUCH!