Your behavior is a little thing that makes a big difference.
In our line of work, Angel and I hear from hundreds of coaching clients every month. Through this experience, we’ve come across scores of toxic behaviors that push people away from each other. And we’ve witnessed the devastation these behaviors cause – to relationships, to personal and professional growth, and to the general well-being of both the individual behaving negatively, and to everyone in their life.
Let’s be honest – we’ve all acted in toxic, damaging ways at one time or another. None of us are immune to occasional toxic mood swings, but many people are more evolved, balanced and aware, and such occurrences happen only rarely in their lives.
Whether your toxic behavior is a common occurrence, or just a once in a blue moon phenomena, it’s critical for your long-term happiness and success that you are able to recognize when you’re behaving negatively, and consciously shift your mindset when necessary.
The twelve most common toxic behaviors we see are:
- Being envious of everyone else. – Don’t let envy (or jealously) get the best of you. Envy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. There is nothing attractive or admirable about this behavior. So stop comparing your journey with everyone else’s. Your journey is YOUR journey, NOT a competition. You are in competition with one person and one person only – yourself. You are competing to be the best you can be. If you want to measure your progress, compare yourself to who you were yesterday.
- Taking everything too personally. – People are toxic to be around when they believe that everything happening around them is a direct assault on them or is in some way all about them. The truth is that what people say and do to you is much more about them, than you. People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, wounds and experiences. Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re the worst, again, is more about them. I’m not suggesting we should be narcissists and ignore all feedback. I am saying that so much hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives comes from our taking things personally. In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinion of you, and to operate with your own intuition and wisdom as your guide. (Read The Four Agreements.)
- Acting like you’re always a victim. – Another toxic behavior is persistent complaining that fuels your sense of victimization. Believing you’re a victim, that you have no power to exert and no power over the direction of your life, is a toxic stance that keeps you stuck. Working as a life coach with people who have suffered major trauma in their lives but found the courage to turn it all around, I know we all have access to far more power, authority, and influence over our lives than we initially believe. When you stop complaining, and refuse to see yourself as a helpless victim, you’ll find that you are more powerful than you realized, but only if you choose to accept this reality.
- Hoarding pain and loss. – One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go – whether it’s guilt, anger, love or loss. Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go. But oftentimes letting go is the healthiest path forward. It clears out toxic thoughts from the past. You’ve got to emotionally free yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond the past and the pain it brings you. Again, it takes hard work to let go and refocus your thoughts, but it’s worth every bit of effort you can muster.
- Obsessive negative thinking. – It’s very hard to be around people who refuse to let go of negativity – when they ruminate and speak incessantly about the terrible things that could happen and have happened, the scorns they’ve suffered, and the unfairness of life. These people stubbornly refuse to see the positive side of life and the positive lessons from what’s happening. Pessimism is one thing – but remaining perpetually locked in a negative mindset is another. Only seeing the negative, and operating from a view that everything is negative and against you, is a twisted way of thinking and living, and you can change that.
- Lack of emotional self-control. – An inability to manage your emotions is toxic to everyone around you. We all know these people – those who explode in anger and tears over the smallest hiccup or problem. Yelling at the grocery store clerk for the long line, screaming at an employee for a small error she made, or losing it with your daughter for spilling juice on the floor. If you find that you’re overly emotional, losing your cool at every turn, you may need some outside assistance to help you gain control over your emotions and understand what’s at the root of your inner angst. There’s more to it than what appears on the surface. An independent perspective – and a new kind of support – can work wonders. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Happiness” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Making superficial judgments about others. – Don’t always judge a person by what they show you. Remember, what you’ve seen is oftentimes only what that person has chosen to show you, or what they were driven to show based on their inner stress and pain. Alas, when another person tries to make you suffer in some small way, it is usually because they suffer deep within themselves. Their suffering is simply spilling over. They do not need punishment or ridicule, they need help. If you can’t help them, let them be.
- Cruelty (or lacking empathy and compassion). – One of the most toxic behaviors – cruelty – stems from a total lack of empathy, concern or compassion for others. We see it every day online and in the media – people being devastatingly unkind and hurtful to others just because they can. They tear people down online in a cowardly way, using their anonymity as a shield. Cruelty, backstabbing, and hurting others for any reason is toxic, and it hurts you as well. If you find yourself backstabbing and tearing someone else down, stop in your tracks. Dig deep and find compassion in your heart, and realize that we’re all in this together.
- Cheating and cutting moral corners simply because you can. – Cheating is a choice, not a mistake, and not an excuse! If you decide to cheat, and you succeed in cheating someone out of something, don’t think that this person is a fool. Realize that this person trusted you much more than you ever deserved. Be bigger than that. Don’t do immoral things simply because you can. Don’t cheat. Be honest with yourself and everyone else. Do the right thing. Integrity is the essence of everything successful.
- Hiding your truth. – People cannot connect with you if you’re constantly trying to hide from yourself. And this becomes a truly toxic situation the minute they become attached to your false persona. So remember, no matter what age, race, sex, or sexuality you are, underneath all your external decorations you are a pure, beautiful being – each and every one of us are. We each have light to shine, and missions to accomplish. Celebrate being different, off the beaten path, a little on the weird side, your own special creation. If you find yourself feeling like a fish out of water, by all means find a new river to swim in. But DO NOT change who you are; BE who you are. Don’t deny yourself, improve yourself. (Read The Untethered Soul.)
- Needing constant validation. – People who constantly strive for validation by others are exhausting to be around. Those men and women who get caught up in the need to prove their worth over and over and over, and constantly want to win over everyone around them, are unintentionally toxic and draining. Know this. Over-attaching to how things have to look to others can wear you out and bring everyone else around you down. There is a bigger picture to your life, and it’s not about what you achieve in the eyes of the masses. It’s about the journey, the process, the path – what you’re learning, how you’re helping others learn too, and the growing process you allow yourself to participate in.
- Being a stubborn perfectionist. – As human beings, we often chase hypothetical, static states of perfection. We do so when we are searching for the perfect house, job, friend or lover. The problem, of course, is that perfection doesn’t exist in a static state. Because life is a continual journey, constantly evolving and changing. What is here today is not exactly the same tomorrow – that perfect house, job, friend or lover will eventually fade to a state of imperfection. But with a little patience and an open mind, over time, that imperfect house evolves into a comfortable home. That imperfect job evolves into a rewarding career. That imperfect friend evolves into a steady shoulder to lean on. And that imperfect lover evolves into a reliable lifelong companion. It’s just a matter of letting perfectionism GO.
The floor is yours…
If you can relate to any of these toxic behaviors, remember, you are not alone. We all have unhealthy personalities buried deep within us that have the potential to sneak up on us sometimes. As stated above, the key is awareness – recognizing these behaviors and stopping them in their tracks.
So, what toxic behaviors (or mood swings) sometimes sneak up on you? What toxic behaviors push you away from others? How do you cope? Leave a comment below and share your insights with us.
This article was co-written by Marc and Angel and Kathy Caprino, and inspired by Kathy’s insightful work which can be found here.
Photo by: Brett Arthur Donar
Larry Hickman says
A toxic behavior of mine that I’ve been working on: “Shoulding everything” – I “should” myself way too much! Instead of just being, I tell myself that I “should” start a load of laundry; my house “should” be as nice as my friends homes; I “should” be working out like all my co-workers; it’s like by doing the “shoulds” then I’ll be happy and successful, but will I? This answer I’ve learned is “no.” In fact all I do is drive myself and those who love me nuts.
My sister put it very well when she retired. When asked what she was going to do to be happy, she said she was going to become a “human being” instead of a “human doing”. I like that sentiment.
Marsha Lee says
The first one is a toxic behavior of mine that I am working on fixing – being envious or jealous of others and comparing myself to others.
Envy means you are focusing on what others have or do and believe that they have it better than you. Similarly, in comparing yourself to others, you often think the other person knows better or does something better than you do.
I know very well that this way thinking is destructive. And I am really working on making changes. It’s a struggle sometimes though.
Great reminders in this post.
Dev says
In the past I often let self-deception get the best of me in so many ways, and it was so toxic to my wellbeing and my relationships. I let the little negative voices in my head run rampant. They basically scared me out of living and growing to my potential in all walks of life.
The bottom line is that listening to your own lies and refusing to admit that they are nonsense is a sure road to regret.
These days I’ve been calling myself out and have become much better at stating the truth in my head. In most cases: “I’m not doing these things because I am SCARED, not because I don’t want to.”
As always, thank you for the continued guidance through your blog, book, etc.
Romina says
I liked this post too, and also the comment that Mr. Hickman said.
I think another destructive behaviour that is very usual nowadays (and it is not addressed enough) is the lack of focus in what you are actually doing. There is a tendency of doing everything quickly, non-thinking critically, scheming instead of looking and multi-tasking. This is an attitude increased by the use of tv watching and social media. Not that I don’t think that there are positive consequences of those creations – but rather that I can see people are less concentrated on the “present” and the current people standing in front of them since they are always looking for the next adrenaline rush, whether virtually or physically.
I am trying to improve this a little bit each day, for example, by taking the time to comment on this article instead of just leaving it as another random reading I have read in two minutes and in which, in two more, I will no longer remember. I am sure this time I WILL remember it, and I hope, if I could express myself clearly enough, it will serve other people as well.
We need to appreciate each moment as much as possible =)
Chad Haynes says
Great post, once again.
It’s amazing how much pain and tension comes from our sense of identification. Seeing ourselves as separate to the environment and to each other, when really it’s all one.
We go to space? We take our environment with us, or we perish. We weren’t born into this world, we were born out of it.
motay says
Wonderful, wonderful!
Jules says
Reading all your tips for having a productive life has been an effective strategy for me to get through whatever comes my way. This list is incredible and genuine. It reminded of many things that I want and can accomplish, yet I procrastinate endlessly. I thank you as your words of wisdom add great changes to the way I think and act each day.
Kwesi Anim says
The toxicity I have been fighting with is dealing with negative people – I worked with this guy for close to 3yrs and he is a manipulative cheat. Everyone complained of him and could not stand him. Luckily for us the project we were working on was subcontracted to a new director who made me the project manager. With this cheat with the old setup, the funny thing was he still wanted to control our part which I resisted and made it clear that I would resign if he was allowed to influence anything. Anyway, dealing with toxic behaviors and people is tough. Thanks for the post.
Marilyn says
What you wrote on #7 brings to mind a quote I have to tell myself often. ‘Do not take to heart an unkind word. It is just the echo of another’s hurt you’ve heard.’
zaby says
This is a powerful post that I will pass along to others. More people should read it.
Suzanne Schiavoni says
I loved this blog because it hit home. Although I feel loved by my husband, and a few close friends, I find myself unliked by many… I am guilty of many of the offenses listed above. I’m in a constant state of guilt and wishing… Come to think of it, even reading the blog made me feel guilty… Ugh.
I loved the suggestions you gave, and appreciate your insight.
Kim says
Thank you for this post! It has helped me see where I’ve improved, and where I need to focus and grow!
Sharon says
I find all your articles brilliant. Listing in points makes the quality information – the help – so accessible. I loved this one, but a bit disgruntled to realise how many of the points relate to me! With this article I will do what I occasionally do with some of your articles and that is print it off and re-read it at random – to remind myself of how to think, how to be, how to try and be the best me! As Romina said it is easy just to rush through articles and, however good they are, they sometimes still just end up, unwittingly, in a mental dustbin.
Thank you so much for these articles. I will try to keep these points in mind.
Carol says
Oh oh….got a “perfect” 12 out of 12 score. Have much to work on. Thank you so much for this post. Was just what I needed. My stomach dropped a little more as I moved down the list and realized this is who I have let myself become. Hopefully, these choices I’ve made will not be static and my perfectly toxic behavior will change….now.
Val says
I have spent the last five years or more “Hiding My Truth”. When I tested the water to be more open and authentic ; it usually did not go well. People disappear when truth is ugly. Even my close friends and much of my family fade away or into the background. My truth is ugly and I feel like # 2 -6 because the trauma and ugly have worn down my resilience, my ability to discern through the emotional pain, and my strength to hold back my emotions is non existent anymore especially if I make the attempt to “Tell my Truth” I cry! Do you realize how many ghosts (people that are in pain) are walking amongst you at any given time? They try to hide themselves lest they make you too uncomfortable. While there is some good information in all of these tips it really is not black and white all the time. We must take the information that applies.
Kate says
I have lived a long life and in my 80s now, so have learned, I hope, most of life’s lessons.
Yet I think I must still have one kind of toxic behaviour. I constantly do what good I can and often give much time and thought to giving support to others, usually younger than me. It always comes as a shock when so often when the people I help, having sorted their problem out, totally disappear from my life and do not even send a card at Christmas.
Then I confess I do say “I wonder why I bother” Maybe the ‘victim’ syndrome?
I get over it of course but that first sadness is always there.
jean says
I really like your blog… I start reading your articles when I am down. I realized that we can change everything but we have to start building positive behaviors into our lives
Thank you Marc and Angel…more power to you.
Mary says
Thank you so much for all the insights! Several are great reminders of things I need to work on improving in my own life. I especially loved the point about how you when you hide yourself, it is truly damaging to both yourself as well as others who only get a false impression of you. I know that I often hold back on who I am, though I am getting much better about it by engaging in love and acceptance of myself, out of fear of being rejected for who I really am. The pain of not being myself though is finally starting to win out over the fear of not pleasing others. I appreciate the take on it being deceptive to not give people an opportunity to see the real you. Thank you so much for your daily reminders!
Lei Lani Lucero says
Thank you so very much for this list. I opened it, thinking I could find some help for my roommate, who I view as being overly negative, and I found descriptions of MY behavior in this list, especially when I am dealing with her. Thank you for, once again, opening my eyes to the greater purpose of helping myself to become the best me that I am. I am trying to live a life of gratitude, and meaningful purpose, and your words, and the words of those who read and comment, are sincerely helping me.
So, Marc and Angel, and your readers who take the time to think and comment and reach out to all of us, a heartfelt “thank you” from another inhabitant on this rock hurtling through space trying to make a difference.
Kombain Cinn says
Thank you. Feeling guilty all the way. Will make more effort on letting go.
Renee says
I got a divorce around a year and a half ago and before I left that relationship of 28 years, I think I exhibited all if not 90% of these behaviors. I was always unhappy, seeing my friends treating their wives so sweetly and kindly, acting gracious, and I felt like my husband just ignored me and swept me under the carpet more often than not.
I did also feel like a victim in a way, like I deserved better, but because I am the passive type (I will put up with a lot of things that others will call out) I would push my feelings down. I didn’t realize this until all the feelings of resentment came pouring out of me after the divorce. I thought we needed a separation and things would get better. Things got dramatically worse, and ended abruptly before I’d realized it I’d signed away everything to him thinking he could never live with himself asking me for a divorce and giving me nothing after almost 30 years but 12K to pay off my car, when he was living in a 300K house we built together and enjoying keeping his 500K 401 K which I ask for none of. I honestly didn’t even read the decree that day. I hadn’t slept. I just walked into the attorneys office turned to the last page and signed and walked out. I didn’t say a word to him I was so hurt. I have just always felt like he was mentally abusive to me and my friends validate that. I put up with it for a long time, and then I was done. I guess in a way I was still wanting to go back for more abuse. Time has been good for me. I feel happy and the money isn’t something I worry about now. I am grateful I have a good job where I can pay for a nice place to live, and I still have the support of my 2 boys ages 25, and 28 that help me from time to time when I ask. The divorce was tough on us all but we are making it. My ex-husband is no longer someone I talk to, mainly because he never would discuss the divorce once he was out of the relationship.
After I left the marriage, I went thru a period where I had a lack of self-control. I wanted love but the physical act was all I was allowing. I soon realized that was just an empty path to nowhere. I had been married all my life, essentially since I met my ex-husband at 14, married at 19. I just knew that something wasn’t right over the years though. I was constantly seeking acceptance and never feeling like I got it.
I’m still kind of a perfectionist. That part I really can’t change, mainly because I don’t want to. I have learned to give and take more and let people see me as I am, I don’t have to hide part of my for fear of rejection now. But I still have a hard time accepting friends that look down on me because I chose to leave a lifestyle my ex-husband thought was right. All the money in the world cannot change how I feel morally. I have met a nice man who seems to understand that I am a little overbearing at times and loves and accepts that about me.
I am just in the beginning stages, but he has brought out hope, and I am feeling so much stronger now. Thanks for this article.
Ms Hanson says
Along the same lines ar Mr Hickman, but at the foundation of the “should” was the “shoulda” for me. History won’t change for me (nor anyone), and for better or worse, is the foundation we rebuild ourselves upon. That I survived my past is the beginning of my remodeled life, one in which I consider this mantra:
No one is more important than me.
Caution: this does NOT say that I am MORE important than anyone else. It says I am EQUAL to anyone else. My needs, dreams and life matter as much as anyone else’s.
One more: I admonished my self-denigrating buddy one day to “Stop talking about my friend like that!” They responded with “But I wasn’t talking about someone else, I was talking about me!” Weary of listening to their negative self-talk, I stated that they were trash-talking about my friend (themselves) and that I was not going to hear anything bad about my friends. Since then, I ask regularly if they are “taking care of my friend.” It’s almost magical when they realize how that poor self-talk radiates outward to everyone, exhausting the patience of those who care.
Laura says
Great article! I heard something from a friend many years ago and it’s been my mantra since then:
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” That’s how the envy can start with me plus it’s one of the Ten Commandments. That is a great list too!
Neesha says
My toxic behaviour got me fired and now I’m struggling as an unemployed 24 year old.
I need to take all this on board and grow from what I know.
REB says
Excellent post! While we often don’t want to admit that some of these traits exist within, reading this post helps to realize that they do.
I do hoard pain and loss. I have a very difficult time getting rid of the deep seeded pain. I put an emotional cloak around me to protect me from further hurt. But that’s not really living is it?
I have taken some things personally. So to read your perspective on what that really is about, is very helpful. I assume everyone should know better and it is never good to assume anything.
While having been on the receiving end of some toxic treatment, it has been hard to not feel victimized by it. Truthfully when bad things happen to any one of us, we are victims. But it’s when it becomes “a toxic stance that keeps you stuck” that you realize it has taken it’s toll. Thank you for the reminders. I’m going to work on the “human being”! I love that statement – thank you Larry’s sister!
Kara Lane says
“Hiding your truth” and “being a stubborn perfectionist” are the two toxic behaviors I relate to most. Especially when I was younger, I tried to present a certain image to the world that I was perfect and had everything under control. My husband even teasingly called me the “Perfect Princess on a Pedestal.” 🙂 I thought I had moved past such behaviors until I re-read a book I had published several years ago. In it, I tried not to say anything that would be criticized or create any controversy rather than just speaking my truth. Fortunately, I was a little braver with my current book. Some people may like it and some may not, but at least I am no longer hiding my truth. Thanks for the reminder to be aware of our toxic behaviors…which are obvious when we see them in others, but not so obvious when we’re the guilty party!
Kevin Halls says
First time back on here for awhile but found this post very interesting. I’ve always had a bad temper for as long as I can remember, which has led to prison sentences and relationship break ups. But call it maturity or just plain old common sense, I’ve managed to control this very toxic behaviour through thinking differently and learning to walk away and distancing myself for awhile, which I never did before.
Because my temper was getting me into so much trouble I saw a psychologist about ten years ago who helped me with this negative behaviour. But at the end of the sessions she told me I would have to learn ways and methods to control my anger myself without her help. And thankfully except for the odd wobble now and again I’ve managed to keep my temper in check. So having a bad temper is as toxic as you can get so to anyone having issues controlling theirs, I’d say do something about it or else it will bring only misery to you in the end.
reneesheart says
Thank you guys as always for your insightful articles. Yes, we are all guilty of some of these behaviors but thank God I’m learning to acknowledge them and let God help me correct them. I have been guilty of a couple of these issues in the past and still might occasionally struggle, but the freedom of knowing yourself and adjusting is monumental in growth in the long run.
Keep helping others…you’re a blessing.
Sebastian Daniels says
These are all important to be aware of. I think for me, the biggest ones are taking everything too personally, needing constant validation, and no emotional self-control.
Those three wreaked havoc on my life for years. Once I started to put the work into myself and change them, my life started turning around.
Someone who is wildly emotional all the time will drive people away. Thanks for the reminders.
Taylor says
I’m actually really happy i read this. Definitely a wake up call, sadly. One of my horrible toxic behaviors is taking everything too personally. Sometimes I cant help when I overreact or get emotional when someone says something, especially when they’re being honest. Another one would be needing constant validation. I, though not much anymore, used to ask my boyfriend if he still loved me. Maybe just because its nice to hear or maybe because deep down I really do need to be validated. My boyfriend really hates when I do both toxic behaviors. I never realized that doing these could be exhausting and could easily make others around me not want to be around me. But after reading this, I know now that I have to watch what I say, control my feelings and realize not everyone is out to upset me.
T. says
Thank you both for this post. I read your e-mails whenever they come in but this particular post came at just the right time for me, as I’ve been having a tough couple of days and reading this made me realise that I do more than one of these toxic things involuntarily. Now I can actively change my behaviour.
Thank you!
Sandy says
My story is a long & painful one, but I am now free! I won’t waste anyone’s time (or my own) telling the story. I will share that I obtained a divorce after 40 years of his addiction(s) alcohol, sex, money. Of course I was not aware of my own denial, co-dependency, enabling, and PTSD (also toxic). People remain in toxic relationships because of their own issues that have not been worked on. Everyone has to “get it” when ever the time is right for them. It doesn’t mean that individual is stupid. We are emotional beings…not logical. After three years of therapy, and the undying love of our Creator, I have moved from surrender onto sanctity. I have worked very hard to evolve to where I am now. Letting go of expectations (a big one), negativity, taking everything personal, and the need for validation. This is what matters in our lives: LOVE, kindness, empathy, compassion, forgiveness (of yourself & others sets YOU free), living in the present moment (a big one) love & nurture yourself, because You Matter! And take some time to be of Service. We all have the power through technology to communicate positivity. We can re-wire our brains for the Hope of our world’s future. Live your Truth! :o)
Elizabeth Thompson, writing as Lizzi Tremayne says
Thank you, Marc and Angel.
A brilliant post. I find and reflect upon something new each time I read this… and I look at it frequently. Many things I can change and am currently changing.
The reminders are so important.
Regards from NZ,
Lizzi
Katie says
I am and always have been a ‘yes I can’ type of person, glass half full, nothing is gained if you don’t try, and why not ask, all they can do is say no. However, my ex was exactly the opposite. He would argue about how any idea I had would fail, try to find the negative in any accomplishment I had and, over the 25 years we were together, did his best to kill my spirit. And he almost succeeded. When I had evolved to speaking in a monotone, not looked forward to anything anymore and saw decades of cursing every morning I woke up to, I knew it was time to leave! So I did.
The hardest part was realizing it and deciding to do it. I knew I had to get out, that his constant toxicity was hurting his health in a big way and would eventually get mine too. And it was only after I had left that his friends told him how badly he’d been acting toward me. He never even realized it. It’s now 4.5 years later. I live in another country, have been in a wonderful relationship that will become a marriage in two months, with a man who lets me voice my opinions, believes in my dreams and counts my optimism and faith as his greatest strengths. It hurts my heart to see my ex still living in his toxic world, unable to let it go. And I know that he most likely always be alone because of it. I wish I could send him this article, but I know he won’t see himself in it. But thanks for it…hopefully some will embrace this advice and change before it’s too late.
Elizabeth Thompson, writing as Lizzi Tremayne says
PS,
for years I wondered why I kept pushing people away, when all I wanted was their love… This article explains it… and why I made the choices I did… all of it, essentially. I am finding peace in a new writing career, which allows me to use all of my training and experiences, and pass much of it on… The good and the bad, and hopefully it will shed light for some. 🙂
Thanks again.
Lizzi
Chris Banzet says
I agree with all but one of these listed above, along with the reasons why they are so toxic. There’s such a long list of things which cause humans to push themselves into these states. And you’re right, the toxic repercussions that come from them can be dangerously wrecking to one’s personal as well as professional life.
The one I disagree with though is the last one “Being a stubborn perfectionist. ” – A successful person pushes those around him while pushing himself the hardest, and could EASILY seem to fall into this category. There’s a difference between being an unsuccessful perfectionist, and being a successful progressive success…
The SCARY part is, they BOTH share a LOT of the same similarities… 🙂
Laura says
Something I would like to add is trying not to tell other people what to do or what they should or shouldn’t do. People who want to make everyone else’s business their business are highly toxic. It makes them feel important which is very controlling. As someone who has been on the receiving end of this behavior there is nothing more effective at distancing one’s self from someone who does that.
Kay says
I have a friend who is 20 years younger than I am and absolutely beautiful. She is everything I want to be. I used to be so envious until the day I realized that whenever I was looking at her with envy in my eyes, I was not looking at her with love in my eyes !! And I love her more than I envy her.
Robin says
Another toxic behavior is not being “present” when you are with someone. Focus on what they are saying, what they are feeling … Listen to them instead of thinking what you’ll say when they pause for a breath. Eye contact instead of being on your “gadgets” and nodding and saying “uh huh” every once in a while. Don’t leave them lonely even though they aren’t alone. (If that isn’t already, that could be a great lyric for a song!)
REB says
@Kate: So very cool that a woman in her “80’s” is blogging with us! I myself am in my 50’s.
First off Kate, you are not wrong to feel a little slighted over someone not showing gratitude. I think it is somewhat rude to not acknowledge the gift you have given them (which is your time, wisdom and friendship). The times have somewhat changed in terms of good manners and protocol. Now, not every young person is like this of course. (and sometimes these very people are old enough to know better) But…..at times people who are older feel invisible by the younger generation. We all have to remember that one day, we will all be there (if luck and fortune have it), we will live to our 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, 80’s plus!
Just the other day I met a woman at a friends birthday party. We had a great and authentic conversation. I offered to help her daughter find a new career. She sent me a hand written note of gratitude on personal stationary. It was one of the loveliest gestures I have received.
So Kate, I don’t feel that you are being a victim. I’d say you got it all going on! You just want to be appreciated like the rest of us!
Jaime says
I am only 25 but I am a strong 12. I see more and more how it affects the way I do things and the way I interact with others. I do my best not to inflict my expectations on others because I know it is tedious but it often means I take on more than I can manage. It is hard to explain to others how little things that don’t mean anything to them and won’t matter all that much in the long term can be so important to me…. Makes me feel crazy at times, but it is hard to let go of the expectations I have when it comes to quality in all the projects I take on, whether I am writing educational information or baking cookies that have to be perfect. Thank goodness for my fiancés patience, working on yourself is a long process.
Kathy says
Wow, I had no idea how much of this applies to me.
Got some work to do on myself!
Thanks as always for a great post and blog.
Kim says
Many of these toxic behaviours are unfortunately very familiar to me. The one that hit me the hardest is how I need validation. There comes a point in time when even your biggest fan is tired of telling you how worthy or wonderful you are. Also, I feel that it’s about time I start believing that I am actually quite a Nice person who is good at what she does! Thanks for the great reminder!
ra says
I live in constant fear. Thank you for some helpful reminders.
Brinda says
Being who we are, requires deep introspection, devotion to oneself and an unbelievable amount of compassion to be able to accept oneself and one’s personal nature. One master once said, “Stop making yourself bitter, just be a better being!”…reading this, just helps even more in letting go of deep wounds as they surface, especially around Full-moons…Gratitude to you both and everyone who responded!
Letting light in & staying within…
Sussane says
My goodness, I cringed at every line of this article as it describes me. Such a wake up call very much needed. I need to work on me..sigh..
Vuong Ngo (@vuongngo_pd) says
I thought I was alright til I saw last point. Seeking for perfection is not bad but push other people around to be perfect could ruin any relationships.
therapyjourney says
Check, check and check! I am guilty of some aspect of all of the toxic behaviours.
Actually, literally, all of them.
Must try harder.
tj
Debbi says
WOW. WOW. WOW. I loved your words. So many of the statements you’ve made, I’ve made. I am by no means perfect but I strive to learn myself and how to deal with what I view as victims of the world. I find I have very little patience for the types of behaviors you have described. But again, sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see the attributes. My journey is self discovery AND part of that journey is admitting when to walk away from toxic people.
Thank you for sharing this.
Marc Chernoff says
@Romina: Thank you for taking the time to be present. 🙂
@Marilyn: Great quote, thank you for sharing!
@Suzanne Schiavoni: Start with forgiving yourself for your own humanity – your own moments of rage and darkness. Because, even in our darkest moments, there is a light that shines within us that has the potential to be of service to ourselves and others in ways we may never fully comprehend.
@Renee: Know in your heart that there is strength inside you that is greater than the challenges you face. No one can do it for you – you have to choose to use your wings.
@Ms Hanson: What a great influence you are. You friend is lucky to have you.
@All: As a final thought, please don’t feel embarrassed or cringe if you recognize some of these behaviors in yourself. We’re all guilty at one point or another. As stated above, the key is awareness – recognizing these behaviors and stopping them dead in their tracks. Thank you for your insightful comments and personal stories. Angel and I can relate to so many of you, and we truly feel blessed that you share with us.