“People never learn anything by being told,
they have to find out for themselves.”
— Paulo Coelho
Today marks the five-year anniversary of a close friend’s unexpected passing. This morning I caught myself reflecting on that dreary morning when I received the news, and how several colleagues and acquaintances whom I barely knew came up to me over the subsequent hours and gave me a pat on the back, a hug, or a genuine “I’m sorry.”
In the midst of my sorrow I now realize this tragic loss taught me three important things. First, the worst things can happen to the best people for no obvious reason at all. Second, most people, even the ones you don’t think care, are genuinely good people who do care. And finally, just as it is difficult to see all the opportunities life gives you until you’re looking back, it is virtually impossible to fully understand certain life circumstances until they actually happen to you.
It’s a variation of this final point that I want to explore further today – seven important life lessons almost everyone learns the hard way, eventually.
1. The people you lose remain a part of you.
Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence.
When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. You will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound. It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character.
2. The pursuit of happiness is about finding meaning.
Pursuing happiness is not at all the same as being happy, which is a fleeting feeling dependent on momentary circumstances. If the sun is shining, by all means bask in it. Happy times are great and often fun-filled, but happy times pass, because time passes. This is something we rarely grasp at first.
The lifelong pursuit of happiness, on the other hand, is more elusive; it’s not based on a particular outcome. What you are really pursuing is meaning – living a meaningful life. It starts with your “why.” (Why are you doing what you’re doing with your life?) When your “why” is meaningful, you are pursuing happiness. There will be times when things go so wrong that you barely feel alive. And there will also be times when you realize that being barely alive, on your own terms, is better than living a lifeless existence for eighty years on someone else’s terms. The pursuit isn’t all or nothing; it’s all AND nothing, with ups and downs and worthwhile lessons along the way.
In other words, happiness comes most easily when you know what you’re doing, believe in what you’re doing, and love what you’re doing (and who you’re doing it with), regardless of how things turn out. (Read The Happiness Hypothesis.)
3. Seeking validation from others invalidates YOU.
Has the fear of rejection held you back? Have you ever been so fearful of what others might think or say about you that it kept you from taking positive action? I bet you’re shaking your head, “yes.”
It’s time to change your mindset…
Today, the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday. Prove yourself to yourself, not others. You are GOOD enough, SMART enough, FINE enough, and STRONG enough. You don’t need other people to validate you; you are already valuable.
If someone says “no” to you, or if someone says something negative about you, that doesn’t change anything about YOU. The words and opinions of others have no real bearing on your worth. Certainly it can be helpful and desirable to make a good impression in certain situations, yet it’s not the end of the world when you are faced with rejection.
It’s great to receive positive feedback, but it simply doesn’t always happen. That’s OK though, because you know where you’re headed and you know your true worth does not depend on the judgment of others. When you set out to make a true difference in life, there will be those who disagree with you, those who ignore you, and those who flat out reject your ideas and efforts. Look beyond them, step confidently forward, do what must be done, and let them think what they will.
4. Regret hurts far worse than fear.
When we give in to our fears, we have a harder time looking at ourselves in the mirror. Sadly, very few of us escape learning this lesson firsthand. If you have already experienced this a time or two, you know what you need to do.
It is only when we risk losing that we truly open the possibility to win. Whether it is quitting your job to build a business, running a marathon, or traveling to unknown parts of the world, any worthy endeavor requires risk, struggle and sacrifice. Some of these things may even terrify you, but ask yourself if these fears are stronger than the most powerful of fears, the fear of a wasted life?
If you’ve never lost your mind, you’ve never followed your heart. It’s better to look back on life and say, “I can’t believe I did that,” than to look back and say, “I wish I did that.” Don’t let time pass you by like a hand waving from a train you desperately want to be on. Don’t spend the rest of your life thinking about why you didn’t do what you can do right now. Live your life. Take risks. Feel passion. Discover love. Run free. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Passion and Growth” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
5. Life is too unpredictable for rigid expectations.
When you stop predicting and expecting things to be a certain way, you can appreciate them for what they are. Ultimately you will realize that life’s greatest gifts are rarely wrapped the way you expected.
With a positive attitude and an open mind, you will find that life isn’t necessarily any easier or harder than you thought it was going to be; it’s just that “the easy” and “the hard” aren’t exactly the way you had anticipated, and don’t always occur when you expect them to. This isn’t a bad thing; it makes life interesting.
Ninety-nine percent of the time life delivers the experiences that are most helpful for your personal growth. How do you know it’s the experience you need? Because it’s the experience you’re having. The only question is: Will you embrace it and grow, or fight it and fade?
The key, of course, is to accept that not everything is meant to be. When things don’t turn out how you expected, you have to seriously sit down with yourself and come to grips with the fact that you were wrong about it all along. It was just an illusion that never really was what you thought it was. It’s one of the most difficult realizations to accept, to realize that you feel a sense of loss, even though you never really had what you thought you had in the first place.
6. When you try to run away, you end up running in place.
“Don’t think about eating that chocolate donut!” What are you thinking about now? Eating that chocolate donut, right? When you focus on not thinking about something, you end up thinking about it.
The same philosophy holds true when it comes to freeing your mind from a negative past experience. By persistently trying to move away from what you didn’t like and don’t want, you are forced to think about it so much that you end up carrying it’s weight along with you. But if you instead choose to focus your energy on moving toward something you do like and do want, you naturally leave the negative weight behind as you progress forward.
Bottom line: Running away from your problems is a race you’ll never win. Move TOWARDS something instead of AWAY. Rather than trying to eliminate the negative, focus on creating something positive that just happens to replace the negative. (Read The Road Less Traveled.)
7. Unanticipated hardships are inevitable and helpful.
Nobody in this world is going to blindside you and hit you as hard as life will. Sometimes life will beat you to the ground and try to keep you there if you let it. But it’s not about how hard life can hit you, it’s about how hard you can be hit while continuing to move forward. That’s what true strength is, and that’s what winning the game of life is all about.
When you have a lot to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and take a step forward instead, you are growing stronger. Work through your struggles and hardships. Even when it feels like things are falling apart, they’re not. Take control of your emotions before they take control of you. Everything will fall into place eventually. Until then, learn what you can, laugh often, live for the moments, and know that it’s all worthwhile in the end.
Afterthoughts
Gandhi once said, “Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” I love this quote. There’s no doubt that every day is a gift, and the gift is an opportunity to live, to learn, and to grow.
Be a student of life. Indulge in it and absorb all the knowledge you can, while you can. You may have to loose some things to gain some things, and you may have to learn some things the hard way. That’s OK. All experiences are necessary. The purpose of your life is to live it in full, to partake in it to the utmost, to reach out with an open mind and an honest heart for the newest and richest experience being offered.
Your turn…
What would you add to this list? What important life lessons have you learned the hard way? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.
Photo by: Sam LLic
Joanna L says
Something I recently read in your book and agree with is that forgiveness takes practice – you have to learn it the hard way. It’s easy to understand in concept, but much harder to master. On the self-forgiveness front, dealing with failure is key. I fail and I fail often. I fail fast. I fail in relationships, business, the gym, and life. I love it. I actually have come to enjoy failing.
Failure is humbling. You either did something wrong or what you did just didn’t work. Or maybe it wasn’t your turn to succeed? Either way, learning from failure, and forgiving yourself rather than berating yourself, is an important skill-set to master.
Heather says
Once again you have given me exactly what I needed to read. I have been dealing with a deep betrayal from a close friend and struggling with letting go and forgiving myself. Your words were the comforting hug I so desperately needed.
To add to your wonderful list, I would say everyone is on their own path. There is no right way or wrong way. Our culture focuses too much on taking the correct number of steps to achieve a goal. What might work for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another. You see this on college campuses where many students struggle with being in school. They are miserable and unhappy believing there is only one path after high school. We have to be more accepting of each persons journey.
Ben Pruett says
This is all very true. I have learned, the hard way, that nothing is what it seems. People, stories, places and things have a depth to them that we may will never completely uncover or understand. When things don’t make sense to us or someone disappoints (or surprises) us… we gotta remember that we don’t know everything…and we never will.
Bryan says
I too lost a dear friend 5 years ago – my wife actually after 36 wonderful years of marriage and it was all over within a week… and came as a sudden shock.
I’ve tried to find a substitute relationship but doubt if I will ever succeed, and then I too have been betrayed.
Your words have come just at the right time as I am going away for a holiday. I have told nobody else and am seeking some time by myself to understand more about where I am going in life. Specifically, your words have made me focus on growing from my losses and failures.
Adam says
#3 and #4 are both aspects that I have struggled with. I am working on taking action that will not develop into lasting regret, though. Just now, I dropped a course that I was taking that I was not finding passion in, so that I can now use this time to pursue something that I really enjoy. I have been struggling in making this decision for a while. This post came at just the right time. I feel that the decision was the right one for me, but now the real work comes, and hopefully also real meaning and purpose! 🙂
Best of luck, to everyone working on one or more of these points!
Annie says
Haha! I was a eating a chocolate donut as I read point 6! As always, great post! 🙂
Sona says
Today is Mahatma Gandhi’s birthday. I think that’s fitting for today’s wonderful, heartfelt post. Thank you for this beautiful blog, God bless you.
Thanh says
We each have our own individual, unique stories to write, a story that continues as long as we continue breathing, a new page added with every sunrise. A story that will never be read in its entirety by anyone else, only glimpsed. A story gone forever at our last moment. And sometimes it’s hard to find the courage to turn the page and continue the story of…
And then I…
Lei Lani Lucero says
Marc & Angel (and little one),
Thank you, once again, for so eloquently putting into words what people need to understand. You have a magnificent gift, and I thank you for sharing it with us. Your book has helped me explain things (the way I am, for instance!) to others in ways that I am currently incapable of explaining. I try to live my life my way, and spread happiness and kindness and attentiveness like it was manure, to see what grows in my wake.
I am currently focusing on the three A’s of life: Live with affection, attention and appreciation.
A LeDuc says
Thank you for the message! Living in the moment and changing yourself because you want to is the most freeing thing one can do. Be real, be true, be honest, and do not be afraid! Be present!
Ranya says
Your post is so inspiring! Thank you for being who you are. You have helped me see so much clearer. I’m so grateful for Marc and Angel! I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery and continuous improvement and everything has gotten so much easier thanks to your wonderful posts. I am so enthusiastic about life, I welcome my challenges and above all, I embrace uncertainty. I am being a mindful student of life.
I love you guys, you make such a positive difference in my everyday life.
Ranya
Barbara says
The pursuit of meaning can be thought in terms of three types of relationships:personal relationships, personal enrichment (relationship with oneself) and relationship with the larger community. A balanced life is one where all three types of relationships are nurtured and allowed to bloom.
Bimal says
I feel fear comes due to our attachment to the result or task. It might be worthwhile to be the doer and watch our feelings objectively. We mistake attachment to love – love releases, attachment binds.
Val says
Simply: Too much planning and preparing and waiting and anticipating and worrying about events in Life robs us from actually enjoying & LIVING LIFE.
Don says
As usual your post was thought provoking and encouraging. Thanks for putting practical knowledge and wisdom in words we can all understand.
Josie says
Thank you for this article today. Number 1 resonates with me. Since the losses of my dad to cancer and losing a brother to suicide i have had my share of grief. Both deaths were devastating to me and i am still dealing with the sense of abandonment as a result of losing 2 people who truly loved me. I have few friends which makes feeling them still ‘with me’ at different times very special and crucial even.
Melissa Wilson says
It can be easy for us to think that it would be better not to learn lessons the hard way, but it’s in learning them the hard way that we learn them at all. It’s often in learning things the hard way that we find our strength and our purpose. The key is to not be discouraged but to see the lesson as a great opportunity for growth.
Betsy says
In your introduction Marc, the second paragraph says so much. Also, Gandhi’s quote is wonderful. Thank you for that.
In my case, I can relate to 2 points very well. #1, yes the people you lose will always be with you, and #3, yes I am learning that I am enough. Working on good enough, but for right now I am enough.
Such a pleasure to be part of this. Thank you again.
Sandy Peckinpah says
Thank you for this article…it hit me hard today because you opened with something I’m very familiar with and something I write about…loss. People often try to cure grief intellectually but grief is a wounded broken heart (as you so beautifully expressed). It can’t be fixed intellectually but what it teaches you is to love harder, express your feelings to those you love, and never take a single day for granted. Therein lies the healing. I would like to share your article.
Frank says
I can relate to all 7 lessons on this site, today. Been there Done that….unfortunately I tend to slip and forget these lessons. I simply worry about what others are going to think….not good.
serenity pratt says
I look forward to your posts every week. They really help me keep things in perspective. Looking forward to reading your book too and using it for daily positive reminders.
Keep up the great work!
bobbi says
Can’t seem to make up my mind which is my favorite… go figure. Every point here is important. Thanks.
JujuB says
Crazy, I just starting reading a book from Paulo Coelho. I love that you started this article with a quote from him. Great post. What a great way to start my day!
Klaudia says
8. Nothing in life lasts forever.
Love, friendships, youth , all of these things will fade away. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing. After every your love will be another one, you know … there is plenty more fish in the sea. After every your friendship, you will meet another great person who is really worth knowing. And finally … although you won’t be ever younger than you are in this very moment, you have many amazing life stages to live. Remember all of the good things that are waiting to be lived and all of the bad that are behind you, you know now how to avoid them, if you won’t let them they won’t happen again. For the example I am sure that I will never let anyone to hurt me the way I have been. Now I know that no one has right to rule MY life. I have lived with a monster called “my dad” in a one house for almost 18 years. The lesson which I have got from my life expieriences is that “nothing lasts forever” all of the pain will eventually be gone and everyone will get a chance to be truly happy.
Thanh says
Thank you for the wonderful work that you both do. I enjoy checking my in my inbox and seeing your email and reading your inspiring words. This is my first time commenting, but I’ve been a subscriber for some time – thank you again, I really appreciate all the messages you have shared.
Gingerika says
This comes to me on the morning of a close family member getting a likely terminal diagnosis. I was so internal in my processing about this, that I very much didn’t want to open any unnecessary emails and feel overwhelmed with outside stimuli. But later on today, something told me “open this!” But of course. Thank you.
Zae says
I am an avid reader of your posts Marc and I am very grateful to have subscribed to you both. I honestly think that having the right friendships and relationships is overrated these days. Everybody is governed by self interest and the world is so competitive that everyone wants power and it dominates our minds. A love for power is not exactly what will solve the problems looming on our global horizon. As soon as people come to love and accept one another for who he/she is we will live contempt lives.
Karen says
Loss is painful, grieving is a difficult journey taking you from the depths of what seems to be unbearable suffering to gratitude for the kindness of others and a true appreciation for a life well lived. My 13 year old daughter died 3 years ago. It was sudden, unexpected, we had to try and resuscitate her while her siblings watched, it was traumatic. Life has changed. Leaning into this experience was one of the most harrowing and courageous things I have ever done. It has taught me that the integration of our experiences, however sad or frightening, have the power to mature and transform, and transform I have, into someone I barely recognize….resilient, assertive, compassionate, determined and deeply committed to making sure that my experience is not wasted. What better way to honor my daughter than to make the most of this most precious life, to not just survive but thrive, what a tribute to her. So if you are struggling with grief and loss, I cannot know your pain and sadness, however I know pain and sadness, you are not alone, do not lose hope….please believe me when I say it is possible to learn how to cope with the intense emotions and continue to live a meaningful and joyous life 🙂
Saiisha says
This is my lesson that I learned the hard way, and now pass it along:
The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. (-Lao Tzu)
You must BEGIN!
Brenda Stewart says
Having lost a daughter I always found it hard to explain that loss to someone who had never lost someone very personal. Your explanation was so good I had to copy and paste that part on Facebook for my friends to read. I hope you do not mind! It was so personally true!
John Benzick says
I’ve been thinking about your item #1, “The people you lose, become a part of you,” for about 10 years.
I’ve come to realize (in my personal life, at least) that my losses have made me more compassionate and empathetic.
Despite each loss, I choose to see the losses and my corresponding compassion boost, ultimately, as special gifts from the people that I lost and, as a result, a net loving spirit-filled gift from them for the benefit of society.
Loss gets recycled, and creates renewed and added love. To me, there’s a net gain (as odd as it sounds).
So, my variation to your #1 would be something like, “Our losses become gifts to us, since we become more compassionate towards others.”
To me, loss produces a loving spirit within us that gets passed on to others.
I know that losses can produce negative energy, too, when people recycle the hurt in darker ways. There are lots of examples of that.
But I choose to see the net gain from loss. And I truly believe, overall, there is a reason for the loss (which we don’t yet fully understand) and it renews our spirit of compassion, love and service to others.
victoria m. says
I think I have to agree with what you’ve written here… one of the things I am still learning to manage in my life is not to seek validation from others. Every once in a while I revert to a place where I still want others’ approval but then I bounce back and claim back my power…
If I were to add anything else it would be that life is a journey, not a destination… cheesy, overused quote, but oh-too-true. It’s all about enjoying the process of self-growth and of getting to know who you really are that makes it so worth it.
Hillie says
My daughters and I deeply appreciate your wonderful thoughts, gems of wisdom and positive encouragements. I am happy to share Gandhi’s birth date of October 2nd and also admire all he ever said and stood for. Life is a very special gift and relishing it, even when there are problems to take care of and pain in one’s life to deal with- I feel there is always a “promise of sun drenched tomorrows” to look forward to, no matter if it might only be just one more tomorrow….like the Gandhi quote indicates.
Captain Kirk says
Marc…
First, I feel YOUR pain in MY heart, which is the true definition of empathy.
My loving Mom passed away about six years ago, and my faithful Dad went to sleep in death more than 11 years ago. My heart is still healing from these troubling experiences. There are two empty seats in the theater of life, and now my four brothers, one sister, and myself are attempting to move forward with our lives….and continue the journey with our own families, and continue the legacy mom and dad left for us (as you explained in item #1)
Regarding this post, I recall, Thomas Jefferson’s famous words declare that we are entitled to: Life, Liberty, and the PURSUIT……………………………………….of Happiness.
The road to happiness is always under construction, and finding meaning, purpose, and significance in life can be a lifelong mission statement.
On the other hand, from my education in the “school of hard knocks” and the “university of adversity” I discovered that to find meaning, purpose, and significance in life….I had to find “my own unique voice, be courageous and strong, accept the roller coaster experience of life, and move forward with the FIRE and DESIRE to enjoy the song and the dance, at the risk of embarrassment!
“Sometimes we have to risk failure….to experience success.”
I continue to move forward… safe, slow, steady, straight, and level. And I am enjoying the “flight of life” >>>>>>>>>>>
Thank you for accepting me into your “community”. I am humbled and honored to share the journey with all of you!
Debby says
Whenever I feel sad and lost, I read your blog. And it reminds me that everyday is a new beginning, if we dare to try and achieve new things in our life. I have been feeling disappointed and frustrated with my relation with my family and co-workers. Lately, i have being feeling betrayed, misunderstood and let down by the people I trusted the most and assumed to have a great relationship with. I have a hard time conveying my feelings without being emotional or perceived as an angry person, which hurts more. But your blog is one great therapeutic source that reminds be to keep going and not to stay down for too long.
Sebastian Aiden Daniels says
I agree that happiness is definitely about finding meaning in your life.
I used to seek validation from others and you are right that you end up not being validated in most cases. You can’t expect people to validate you all the time. Self-worth is an inside job. You are inherently valuable and it is important to start believing that.
Hardship happens to everyone whether it is solely in their mind or is in the physical world. Learning to accept it and embrace it helps to build resilience.
Charles says
Gandhi is right… Live as if you were to die tomorrow… Because in the grand scheme of things we are all going to die “Tomorrow “… Meaning if you look at a human life span compared to the age of planet Earth, then a human life span is about one day. Looking at it like that, when things are going rough and getting you down and you have done your very very best, it helps to not take the uncontrollable in your life too seriously.
Betsy says
Just had to add:
@John Benzick – your post was written wonderfully.
@Captain Kirk – just thank you.
This community is just awesome. Thank you again Marc and Angel, and to everyone who leaves a comment. We all have something to share.
lisa thomson-The Great Escape... says
Thank you! The things I’ve learned I never dreamed I would have. Unexpected lessons are the hardest but make us the strongest.
Arup says
Your words are really true and inspire me to start living again – to grow from life every day. Thank you.
Renee Segal says
I love this list. It is exactly spot on!!!
Marc Chernoff says
@Karen: Beautifully said, thank you for sharing your story.
@John Benzick: I agree with you, net gain! 🙂
@Captain Kirk: We have come to look forward to your weekly, thought-provoking comments. Thank you for being an active member in the community.
@All: To be honest, in many cases, learning firsthand is the only way we’ll ever truly get it. The key is to take these experiences, learn from them and let them guide you to happier, wiser days ahead. As always, we love reading your comments. Keep them coming.
LAURA says
I like your blog a lot!!!! But there are things that I just wanted to say when I read some stuff.
People say be positive, leave the past were it belongs. And honestly that’s the only thing that makes things even harder, because there are times when the past gets to you, all those memories which make you feel unbalanced and confused, and that’s okay. ‘Cause that’s just life. And you can’t be positive, and it only makes it worst when people try to help by saying that. Being happy, positive, assertive, etc… it’s as okay as being sad, angry, negative. Life is a roller coaster, so whatever you are going through you should receive it, ’cause it will pass. No matter what emotion it is.
Ava says
Love, love, love this! “The lifelong pursuit of happiness, on the other hand, is more elusive; it’s not based on a particular outcome. What you are really pursuing is meaning – living a meaningful life. It starts with your “why.” (Why are you doing what you’re doing with your life?) When your “why” is meaningful, you are pursuing happiness. There will be times when things go so wrong that you barely feel alive. And there will also be times when you realize that being barely alive, on your own terms, is better than living a lifeless existence for eighty years on someone else’s terms. The pursuit isn’t all or nothing; it’s all AND nothing, with ups and downs and worthwhile lessons along the way.”
Ava says
Oh, and here’s another one: “learn to ride the waves of life” (babaji). This quote sticks with me and makes the ups and downs of life seem like an adventure. I can’t remember the longer quotes and this makes it seem even fun – surfing!
Marie Harpwood says
The one lesson I have learned over the years is that noone can tell you how to grieve. It is a personal process and can take a short time, a long time, or will always be part of your life. Grieving the loss of someone is a personal journey…I wish everyone could understand this.
Thank you everyone for your inspiring words.
Namaste
Lynda says
One more lesson learned: Stay away from people with entitlement syndrome. In my experience they will never learn the are the opposite of such. You must earn AND deserve everything from a smile to your lifestyle. Some people think they have made your day just from acknowledging your existence when in reality they have done the opposite, AND IRONICALLY do not know the so-called power,however wrong that is. An example is someone I know who expresses real shock when told no and actually will ask you don’t want to do that for me you are so negative. Ignorance is truly dangerous.
Ti says
4 weeks ago, life hit me with a sledgehammer when my girlfriend passed on. We were 21 years together.
After the loss, I only felt despair, sadness, tremendous loss and loneliness. After reading these wonderful articles, I feel lighter and my suffering becomes less unbearable.
I know now, these dark days will pass and one day I will smile again.
Thank you, Marc and Angel.
jo says
I have suffered the loss of many loved ones of all different ages, every different way possible; Illness, accidents, suicide and even murder. Each holiday we celebrate is also an anniversary of a loved ones death. The most important thing I know is; you never get over the loss. With time… it becomes a part of you and you carry it in your heart always.
Jasmine says
Thank you guys, this makes my day (as your articles have done many times before).
I embrace my ability to love openly and honestly, despite the times it has been hurt and broken. I keep on dancing, heck yes!