“Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness.”
— Ayn Rand
In our busy daily lives it’s easy to miss the forest for the trees and completely overlook some of the more obvious activities that can disproportionally affect our happiness levels. Luckily, we can go off more than just our intuition; there are lots of proven strategies that aim to create the right behavior that leads to a happier life. Below, we take a look at seven of the more actionable pieces of advice you can start implementing over the next week.
1. Find meaning in your work.
Last week I interviewed a motel housekeeper in Miami Beach for a side project I’m working on. “Do you like your job?” I asked. To my surprise, she smiled from ear to ear and was breathless for a couple seconds. She finally collected herself and said, “I can’t believe how much I love my job! I get to make dozens of our guests happy every day and feed my two beautiful children at the same time.” Talk about a powerful perspective! Right?
A job is only just a job if you chose to see it as a job. But there’s so much more to it. All work is a chance to be of service. All work is a chance to express your gifts and talents. All work is a chance to be helpful to other people. All work is a chance to change the world. It’s up to you to find meaning in your work, whether you’re a house keeper, whether you’re a police officer, whether you’re a teacher, whether you’re an astronaut, or an entrepreneur. You must find meaning in your work so that every day you feel like you’re on a purposeful mission.
So I today challenge you:
Love what you do, until you can do what you love. Love where you are, until you can be where you love. Love the people you are with, until you can be with the people you love most.
This is the way we find happiness. (Read Buddha’s Brain.)
2. Embrace discomfort to gain mastery.
Happy people generally have something known as a “signature strength” – at least one skillset they’ve become proficient at, even if the learning process made them feel somewhat uncomfortable at first.
Over the past decade we’ve coached thousands of people online and offline, and one lesson we’ve learned is that, yes, mastering a skill is just as stressful as you might think. However, this stress is positive. Although the process of becoming proficient at something takes its toll on people in the form of stress, people also admit that these same activities make them feel happy and satisfied when they look back on their days, weeks, months, and years as a whole. They see their progress and they feel great about it.
Truth be told, being terrible at something is the first step to being truly great at it. Struggle is the evidence of progress. The more time you spend there, the faster you learn. It’s better to spend an extremely high quality ten minutes growing, than it is to spend a mediocre hour running in place. You want to practice at the point where you are on the edge of your ability, stretching yourself over and over again, making mistakes, stumbling, learning from those mistakes and stretching yourself even farther. The rewards of becoming great in the long run far outweigh the short-term discomfort that’s felt in the process of earning your stripes.
3. Detach yourself from your failures and successes.
Self-worth that’s attached to external merit can be quite fickle. For example, through our coaching, Angel and I have come to know that most university students who tie their self-worth to their schooling feel small boosts when they receive a good grade or graduate school acceptance letter, but feel harsh drops in self-worth when they don’t. What these students are forgetting is that failure is not something you are; it’s just something you experience. And the same is true for success.
So remember that happy, successful people are often happy and successful in the long run for one simple reason: they think about failure and success differently. They don’t take everything that goes wrong personally, and they don’t get a big head when everything goes right either. Follow in their footsteps. Do the best you can, and be a humble, life-long learner. Never let success get to your head and never let failure get to your heart.
4. Be productive, but not rushed.
Being rushed puts you on the fast track to being miserable. Period. But on the flipside, having nothing to do can also take its toll (bad news for those who subscribe to the dream of doing nothing). The balance is just right when you’re living a productive life at a comfortable pace. Meaning, you should be expanding your comfort zone often, but not so much that you feel frenzied and out of control. Easier said than done, but certainly a positive state to strive towards.
One method of achieving this is to have “heavy lifting” and “light lifting” timeslots scheduled each day. During the “heavy lifting” times, you go at it full force, and then as soon as a “light lifting” timeslot arrives, you slow down. It’s simply a matter of scheduling time every day to not be overly busy. Have dedicated downtime – clear points in the day to reflect, rest, and recharge. Don’t fool yourself; you’re not so busy that you can’t afford a few minutes of sanity.
Also, keep in mind that you can’t always be agreeable to everyone else’s requests and demands; that’s how people take advantage of you. Sometimes you have to set clear boundaries. We all have obligations, but a comfortable pace can only be found by properly managing your yeses. Be willing to say “No” to most things, so you are able to say “Yes” to the right things. (Read The ONE Thing.)
5. Give when you’re able.
While giving is usually considered a selfless act, giving is often more beneficial for the giver than the receiver. In other words, providing social support of any kind can actually be more helpful to the bigger picture of our lives than receiving it. Intuitively I think we all know this, because it feels amazing to help someone who needs it. And that’s because lasting happiness doesn’t result from what we get, but from what we give – the experience of making a difference in the world.
The science behind this is simple…
Performing any act of kindness releases Serotonin in your brain. Serotonin is a natural substance that has incredible health benefits, including making you feel more joyful. However, what’s even cooler about this is that not only will you feel better, but so will others watching your act of kindness transpire. That’s right; bystanders will be blessed with a release of Serotonin just by watching you give kindness. (And a side note is that the job of most anti-depressants is to release more Serotonin. Move over Pfizer, kindness is kicking butt and taking names!)
So just keep in mind that while you can’t give all of yourself all of the time, you can give some of yourself some of the time, and doing so will make all the difference.
6. Nurture your closest relationships.
Finding Flow, an interesting psychology book on happiness, reveals national survey data showing that when someone claims to have a few close friends with whom they can discuss important problems, they are 60% more likely to say they’re happy. Also, did you know studies have shown that average human mortality rates DOUBLE when we’re lonely? WHOA!
Good relationships really are worth their weight in gold. And the number of friends isn’t the important aspect here; it’s the effort you put into your relationships that matters. Although it’s harsh to think about, even the best relationships dissolve over time if they aren’t maintained; a closeness with someone is something you need to continually earn, so never treat it as a given. Every time you connect with those close to you, you further strengthen those bonds and you give yourself a little boost of happiness at the same time. Win-win.
And don’t wait around to make big plans with those you care about. Make your time together the plan. Communicate openly on a regular basis. Get together in the flesh as often as possible. Not because it’s convenient to do so, but because you know each other are worth the extra effort.
Just put down the smart phone, close the laptop and enjoy each other’s company, face to face, the old fashioned way. There are few joys in life that equal a good conversation, a genuine laugh, a long walk, a friendly dance, or a big hug shared by two people who care about each other. Sometimes the most ordinary things can be made extraordinary just by doing them with the right people. So choose to be around these people, and choose to make the most of your time together. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
7. Be true to yourself.
This one is more anecdotal than specific, but perhaps the most important point of them all.
When the Guardian asked a hospice nurse about the most common regrets of the dying, one of the prevalent answers was that people regretted not being true to themselves. As one patient put it, “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
May that quote dwell in your mind and remind you to make your needs a priority.
Because ultimately, no matter how you live or how wonderful you are, someone else will be disappointed. So do your thing. Don’t hesitate and waste all your time with lots of explanations. Most people only hear what they want to hear anyway. Just because someone doesn’t understand your point of view, doesn’t mean a great explanation doesn’t exist.
Seriously, can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? Happiness is found when you stop comparing yourself to everyone else and what they want. Stop living for other people and their opinions. Be true to yourself. You are the only person in charge of your life. The only question is: What do you want to do with the rest of it?
Start doing it!
As they say, there are seven days in the week, and “someday” isn’t one of them.
Your turn…
How about you? What habits keep you happy? What else would you add to the list?
Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Photo by: Aurora Martin
Cara says
Epic post! I have been reading your posts and emails for a long while and have found immense benefit in them. Today I felt I needed to get off my silent seat and leave a comment. Thank you so much.
My two cents: We all get so caught up in what we “think” we should be doing or should have in order to be happy, that we often forget to stop & appreciate what we do have. I have two young boys and I often find myself telling them, rather than always wishing for more, be thankful & grateful for what they have or have been given, whether it be an object or activity. Myself, I am trying to practice what I preach and one thing I’ve started doing regularly on my days off is to start my morning by sitting outside to drink my coffee and just enjoy the quiet sounds of the morning rather than running around the kitchen doing what needs to be done. It’s a beautiful to start the day…
J.J. says
One of the primary reasons I read both your blog and your book, is to alleviate my attachments to various expectations that have been driving me and my husband nuts for far too long.
To live with less expectations – especially of others – is how I have found more happiness. One of my favorite reminders: “Is it sweeter to get what you expected or sweeter when you didn’t expect, and received?” I now understand that having too many expectations is spending too much of my time in the future and not enough time in the present. I work at this daily. Thank you for all the lessons.
Kevin Jones says
Your thoughts here are spot on! Also, I think we often look for happiness in lateral moves. For example, “if I just get a different job,” or “if I move to a new town…” Those things won’t provide happiness if you don’t get to the root of what’s causing the unhappiness in the first place. I found that out a few years back when I said those same exact things. For awhile, I was happy, but it wasn’t long before I was battling the same demons, and I realized that I hadn’t really dealt with the underlying issue. The saying “wherever you go, there you are” is true, and especially when pursuing happiness.
Sandra Pawula says
What a great perspective, to look at happiness for the whole year. Mindfulness keeps me relaxed and happy! I’m really keen on #6 too, nurturing my relationship.
Benny says
Thanks Marc and Angel for a great post!
Learning to say no to things was the hardest thing for me. Since I always felt I’m missing an opportunity. Until I realized that I miss nothing when I pass on things that don’t advance me towards following my dream.
I like your explanation of positive stress. Being idle or lying on the beach doesn’t make you happy. Doing the work that you love, helping people, is what makes you happy.
I think that it’s hard to find purpose doing something that makes you suffer.
The only way is to find how it connects or helps you advance towards doing the work that you really love.
Alejandra says
Just what I needed this morning! Thanks! !
Patti says
Kevin, I related very much to your comments. Now that I’ve become more aware of the trap of thinking “the the grass looks greener”, I notice how many other people are in it too. It is such a huge waste of time and energy to look elsewhere, instead of looking within for clarity and finding the truth.
Kirsten says
I’ve always been told “The grass is not greener on the otherside, it’s greener where you water it.” That’s stuck with me for years.
Lindy Allen says
Starting a non-profit after our son, Sean, died where we help individuals with disabilities has brought such a sense of comfort and reward….to see the Sean Allen Challenge make a difference in people’s lives is awesome!!
G.V.Rao says
Great advice… particularly I liked #5. By being helpful to others the individual gains more than the person who receives.
chandanboro says
Truly inspirational! Thank you. Time to get to work!
Jerry says
Am writing from Kenya, Africa. I have been reading your teachings for a long time and i must say that i have learned a lot from you. Working as human resources officer, your teachings have really equipped me. As i handle employees who report to work with different challenges your teachings have been beneficial and of great help.
Keep it up.
Regards,
Jerry
Lynn says
Gratitude. Big time. All the time.
😉
Lynn
Cathryn Cade says
Love your columns, especially this one!
I hope you two are swimming in serotonin for all the encouragement and positivism you bring people.
best,
Cathryn
NP says
#7 is is the most difficult. I do believe, given the opportunity, that my 15 year old self would kick my current 47 year old butt for not pursuing his dreams and the life he envisioned.
Amar Chand Nath says
Really a great post. Everyday I wait for a new post. I educate myself with all of them, honestly….
Sakshar says
Awesome post. Thank you. 🙂
Kay says
Good post. I wish I knew how to make and keep friends better. I do not have any close relationships; no one to talk over the tough stuff. When I do have people in my life, I am always the initiator of things. What am I doing wrong?
Deb says
Kay, I often thought the same thing as you. There were so many times when I would complain to my husband that we would never get together with others if I did not initiate the dinner or party or whatever.
I found that if I did not initiate, no one else would either. However, many times I would continue to initiate because I loved the opportunity to fill my house with people who are enjoying themselves. You may not be the one who is doing something wrong, it may be the others who are not doing the right things.
But this past year has truly taught me that while I felt all I was doing was not appreciated and that people only tolerated me to spend time with others they enjoy at little expense to them, what I was doing was something they did not feel they had the time or comfort to do themselves.
Then I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer and struggled through surgery and chemo, and what I found is that all those I had been giving to for so long, were there to give back to me when I needed it most.
They didn’t put forth the effort to keep in touch not because they didn’t want to, but some of them didn’t because they didn’t know how and relied upon me to always reach out. And for many, it is just easier to let someone else take on the burden.
But when I needed their support and caring, they didn’t wait for me to reach out, they were already standing at my door.
So, when you feel that you must always be the initiator, ask yourself whether you are initiating something that you truly enjoy, or whether it is because you feel obligated. If it is because you feel obligated, then stop and move on. But if it is because you truly enjoy doing something, then don’t worry. If you are happy, that is all you need.
And know, that often without our realizing what we are doing, we are putting the ground work in place for all to experience that happiness. But more importantly, you will find that you have a silent support system in place when you most need it.
So keep initiating!! And enjoy what you do!
Lana says
Very timely post as I’m struggling to make life altering decisions and changes within.
Your wisdom, combined with the ability to eloquently convey it in a manner that makes it truly easy to comprehend/apply to my life/situation makes me an ardent fan of your blog.
Thank you for sharing your gifts.
Upasana says
Love this: “Love what you do, until you can do what you love. Love where you are, until you can be where you love. Love the people you are with, until you can be with the people you love most.”
Thanks for the positivity you bring to everyone’s lives on a daily basis.
Betsy says
Be true to yourself.
Four little words that say so much.
Thank you.
Bloomie scott says
You guys are always giving such great insight…
“Love what you do, until you can do what you love. Love where you are, until you can be where you love. Love the people you are with, until you can be with the people you love most.”
This is my favorite line for this post. I’m in a transition in life and I sort or dislike my job, but I’m going to start school in May for a career. This gives me the strength I need for my graveyard shift tonight
kim Davis says
First time reading your stuff, thanks to a new follower in my tweets. Boy do i have a good feeling about this person now! =) This will be shared with 2000 followers! Good stuff. I’m trying to get a blog started & the words you said about detaching yourself from your past…PERFECT, CONFIRMATION.
Margaret says
I love Caras comment about sitting outside to enjoy the morning……it is a lovely way to start the day.
Lennae says
Great advice! Thank you for sharing, I needed this today! 🙂
Lennae xx
lennae87.wordpress.com
Angie says
Thank you for this post. I have moved house 33 times in 24 years, always having a reason and thriving on the move, thinking this is a new start, but nothing has changed. So finally I realise that moving wasn’t the answer, and I don’t know what is, but I’m learning. x
wendy says
Great advice… Just what I needed!. Thank You
Joanna says
Good reading material as always. Thank you.
Wish you can write on close relationships. It takes two to tango. Families are the hardest.
Bellaisa says
I’ve started walking every morning by myself. Not for exercise, but simply for a stroll to enjoy the morning, breathe in the fresh air, and wake up my mind and body. I try to walk mindfully and stay present in the sights, sounds, and smells around me.
It’s interesting that Cara is drawn to the morning too!
Sudhindra says
Once in a while, mainly in summer, I go looking for government workers like, garbage cleaners, road sweepers, traffic police constables and give them cold buttermilk and a small bottle of water. If I find any construction workers, I do the same. If I find anybody pushing their two wheeler due to fuel problems, I offer to go buy fuel and return and when they thank me, I request them to do the same to another complete stranger…
Doing so brings me happiness.
Faisal says
Marc and Angel you both are real angels. I was not good in English but I started working on it and writing you with my broken words.
Thank you. Stay blessed.
Michael Gregory II says
Great insightful words!
I’m currently in the process of learning different ways to find happiness, and I grow more surprised daily as I uncover a few new tips that raises my awareness. A new type of discovery I’ve came across was how volunteer helped our minds. Initially, I knew that volunteering was a boosting mechanism to make us feel better in some way, but after going through a few studies into the case, I found out there were a lot more to it than I previously believed.
Jason says
We start with ideas, loves, and enjoyments, and make decisions along the way of life, some risk-taking, some adventure, and one day find ourselves in the midst of our own creation – relationships, kids, bills, the list goes on – and then find ways to get ourselves back to the ideas, loves, and enjoyments of our core being. It ain’t easy, and it ain’t gonna happen quick enough sometimes, but in the end we’ll find it trivial if we can only take that first step for ourselves, today. That’s middle age for you.
Marc Chernoff says
@Kay: I think this post may help you: 5 Ways to Meet the Right People
@Angie: I bet Kevin’s comment above resonates with you, eh? Just remember that knowing what you know now is a huge step forward.
@Sudhindra: That’s incredibly inspiring. Thank you for doing what you do.
@All: A BIG thank you again. Your thoughts continue to move me. Angel and I truly love spending a couple evenings a week reading through your comments.
Tshepo says
Oh boy. #7 always gets to me. It always comes to your posts in various forms and it’s probably one of the most things that we most people suffer from hence it’s appearance. This year I told my self I’m tired of living a life that everyone expects of me. Time to spread my wings and fly. Thanks Marc and Angel
Kashedra says
Being grateful for what I have… Not complaining and not dwelling on things. This is what keeps me happy 🙂
Abdul Majid says
..Love what you do, until you can do what you love. Love where you are, until you can be where you love…
100% agree on that
Lil says
There are so many points in this post that I can relate to, and sometimes we just need a little reminder in our lowest days. With technology for example, it’s hard to put down our phones, even if we just want to show someone a picture of something that we want to reference to. Then, sometimes it’s hard to say no to something, but we have to so we can say yes to what’s right.
Thanks for sharing this! I was really inspired by this and hope to apply it towards my life and my site as I am just beginning to immerse myself into the blog world.
Michelle Westbrook says
I would add practicing daily gratitude to this list. Especially, when life gets hard, being grateful helps keep my mood lifted and my thoughts positive.
Great list! Thanks for the tips 🙂
tt says
Embracing good and bad, practicing humility, I’m not perfect or close to it. I can apologize and laugh at myself too.
Hawazen Ajwad Alfassi says
I am from Saudi.. When I read articles from abroad which are amazing as yours, I realize that am positive cause I have attracted it.. Love your articles.. The numbering of your articles makes it easier to organize the topic in my brain.. It’s helping me a lot to learn more.. Would love to be your Friend, since we choose our friends.. Would like to thank you a lot for your articles.. They are making a difference in my life.. Boosting me, encouraging me and supporting the way I think.. Thank u 🙂
Nderingo Shirima says
Just what I needed for the morning. Its a great article. I have witnessed and felt happiness from point #2. It is something that I fell proud of and happy each time I every time I reflect. I am working on point # 3 to # 7.
Thanks again. Stay Blessed
Jean says
Great & inspiring post. Perfect timing for the new year!
Savinder Pal singh Jaggi says
Very inspiring. Thanks.