The worst enemy to productivity and creativity is self-pity.
This morning I didn’t feel like doing anything. It’s a combination of exhaustion from a few days of hard work, and a lack of sleep with a baby in the house.
I couldn’t motivate myself to do anything important, which is a rare occurrence for me. I just felt completely discouraged and defeated. I started overthinking things and doubting myself, and wondering whether anything I do is worthwhile.
I sat there in this funk for nearly an hour and wondered how to get out of it. Should I just forget about today? Should I just give up on this project, because I’m not as good at it as I thought I was?
That’s what I was considering, at least for a little while. But the better part of me knew this mild state of depression was temporary, and so I dug into my own intellectual toolbox for solutions – little tricks of the mind that can have a real effect on reality.
Here’s what works for me – seven things to keep in mind (and do) when you feel discouraged and defeated:
1. You are not the center of the universe (stop making it all about YOU).
I think we all have the tendency to put ourselves at the center of the universe, and see everything from the viewpoint of how it affects us. But this can have all kinds of adverse effects, from feeling sorry for ourselves when things aren’t going exactly as planned, to doubting ourselves when we aren’t perfect.
So this morning, instead of worrying so much about myself, I thought about other people I might help. Finding little ways to help others gets me out of my self-centered thinking, and then I’m not wallowing in self-pity anymore – I’m starting to think about what others need. I’m not doubting myself, because the question of whether I’m good enough or not is no longer the central question. The central question now is about what others need.
Thus, thinking about others instead of oneself helps solve feelings of discouragement and defeat.
2. It is your resistance to ‘what is’ that causes your suffering (be present).
This morning my mind was ruminating about every time and place other than the time and place I was in. When I caught myself doing this, I brought my focus back to the present.
Remember, happiness is allowing yourself to be perfectly OK with ‘what is,’ rather than wishing for and worrying about ‘what is not.’ ‘What is’ is what’s supposed to be, or it would not be. The rest is just you, arguing with life. Think about that for a minute. This means your suffering only ever occurs when you resist how things are in the present.
Although you can’t control everything that happens to you; you can only control the way you respond to what happens. In your response is your power. In your power is your presence. (Read A New Earth.)
3. You are more than one thing (loosen up and stretch your identity).
We all have this picture in our minds of ourselves – this idea of what kind of person we are. When this idea gets threatened, we react defensively. People may question whether we did a good job, and this threatens our idea of being a competent person, so we become angry or hurt by the criticism. Someone falsely accuses us of something and this threatens our idea that we’re a good person, and so we get angry and attack the other person. My identity of myself as someone who’s motivated and productive and has great ideas… this was getting in the way this morning. When I wasn’t productive, it made me feel defeated because I began subconsciously worrying that I wasn’t who I thought I was.
My solution was to realize that I’m not just one thing. I’m not always productive – sometimes I am, but sometimes I’m unproductive too. I’m not always motivated — sometimes I am, but other times I’m feeling lazy. And obviously I don’t always have great ideas either – because that’s impossible. The truth is, I can be many things, and remembering this helps me stretch my identity so it isn’t so fragile. Then it doesn’t matter if someone thinks I didn’t do a good job – because I don’t always do a good job. I make mistakes. I am less than perfect. And that’s perfectly OK.
4. Today is still a priceless gift (make the best of it).
I only have so many days left on Earth. I don’t know how many that is, but I do know it’s a very limited number. I know that each one of those limited days is a gift, a blessing… a miracle. And that squandering this miracle is a crime – a horrible lack of appreciation for what I’ve been given. And so, I reminded myself this morning that this day counts and that I still need to make the best of it. That doesn’t mean I need to be hyper-productive or work myself into the ground, but that I should do something worthwhile.
Sometimes taking a break to nourish yourself is a worthwhile activity, because doing so allows you to regroup and do other worthwhile things. But just sitting around in self-pity isn’t helpful. So I got up and took my 8-month old son, Mac, for a long walk that we both enjoyed, and I came back feeling better. (Read The Miracle Morning.)
5. Complaining is only making matters worse (find a solution).
When I get in a funk, I have a tendency to complain out loud to everyone around who’s close enough to hear me. Obviously, this doesn’t help them, or me. And as soon as I catch myself doing this, I force myself to shift gears.
The bottom line is that you will never get to where you want to be by complaining about where you are now. Each step in your life is preparing you for the one that comes after it. Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have limited time and energy. Any amount of time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve anything worthwhile. And it won’t make us any happier either.
If you took 10% of the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving your present problem, you’d be surprised by how well and how fast things can work out. (I forget this sometimes, which is why I’m writing it down again – to remind myself.)
Working as a life coach for the past decade with people who’ve suffered major trauma in their lives but found the courage to turn it around, I know we all have access to far more power, authority, and influence over our lives than we often believe. When you stop complaining, and refuse to see yourself as a helpless victim, you’ll find that you are more powerful than you realized, but only if you choose to accept this reality.
6. Feeling discouraged and defeated is a sign that it’s time to make a change (make that change).
It could be a change of heart, a change in your perspective, or a change in your habits. But the point in any case is that the way you are doing things is no longer working.
When we feel discouraged and defeated, typically our first instinct is to look outside of ourselves for someone or something to blame. In reality, we ought to be looking at how we’re feeling, what we’re thinking, and how we plan to respond.
Your life is your responsibility. While you can’t always change what’s outside of you, you can certainly change your perception of it. And the funny thing is, when you change the way you look at things, the things themselves change, which paves the way for positive action. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Adversity” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
7. Even the tiniest possible step is progress. (take a tiny step NOW).
It can be hard to get moving when you’re seriously stuck. This is how I felt a decade ago when I was stuck in a rut after simultaneously losing two loved ones to illness and my breadwinning job. It was really hard to motivate myself when I didn’t think I had the strength to push forward – when I felt insanely horrible and sorry for myself. But I took one tiny step every day, and it felt good, and I got stronger.
That’s what I did this morning too – I took the tiniest possible step. Just turning on my computer, opening up a document, and writing a single sentence. Such an action is so small as to seem insignificant, and yet so easy as to be possible when I was feeling defeated. And it showed me the next step was possible, and the next. And the end result is this blog post you’re reading now.
Closing Thoughts
Yes, I’m still feeling out of it, but not defeated. I’m feeling stronger, because I took these steps.
I know some of you feel the same way from time to time, maybe more often than you’d like to admit. That’s OK. We all do. We aren’t machines, constantly charged up and ready to fire on all cylinders. We are human, which means we falter, we doubt, and we feel pain sometimes.
And this too shall pass.
Your turn…
What would you add to the list? What do you try to keep in mind to motivate yourself when you’re feeling discouraged and defeated? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights?
Photo by: Tony Di Messi
Megan says
I so look forward to my weekly emails and blog posts from you.
So needed this today as I go through major life and health changes! Many, many thanks! Your advice is on point and encouraging me to stay the course, learn, grow and heal!
And when I’m really feeling down and defeated, I keep in mind that I am not alone. That others are fight the good fight along with me.
Patrick Hardy says
I remind myself that this isn’t “it”, it’s not the end point, it’s just a stepping stone towards something better. I find strength from knowing that life is a process of learning, and learning is never comfortable. And I appreciate your words here, as always.
Susan says
Great one! Much needed. I’m currently going through a time in my professional life where nothing seems to work. I feel stuck and defeated, and the vast divide between where I am and where I know I want to be is killing me, but posts like this and books like yours give me hope and help push me forward one step at a time. Thank you again for everything you do.
Candice says
Thank You for this wonderful post. I am definitely saving it into my emergency folder I access when I feel defeated.
Sandra Pawula says
It’s encouraging to know that you even have challenges like this from time to time. It shows how human we all are, but we don’t have to cave into the darkness. If we have our toolbox ready ahead of time, we can work our way out of it just like you did.
Thanks for the tips. I especially resonate with thinking of others and accepting what is.
Jen says
I really enjoyed this post! I look forward to getting my first email newsletter. We work in similar fields and it’s always exciting, and inspiring, to encounter others whose words (& actions) resonate with me, so powerfully.
When I find myself ‘hangin’ a lip,’ I try to remind myself myself to sit down for 30 mins, or so, and mindfully meditate on gratitude.
I’ll definitely be sharing this post! Thank you!
mamaalayo says
This is so helpful to me as a person. When I read this article, I felt so good, strong, relaxed and relieved. Whatever happens to individuals, life goes on. We need to keep moving to deliver God’s messages on this planet earth. May God continue to bless you all.
Anne Ricci says
Hi Marc,
I can relate to not feeling like doing anything and feeling defeated sometimes.
And I love “The worst enemy to productivity and creativity is self-pity”. Feeling sorry for ourselves is often a somewhat neurotic pattern that keeps us stuck. Sure, sometimes our inner child needs us and it’s fine to feel sorry for ourselves for a while, but as you say, we have to take small steps to grow stronger and move forward.
While I don’t complain a lot about things, I do it sometimes, and I have found a great way to get out of this complaining circle that leads me nowhere. Each time I start complaining, I stop and remember this quote: “everything you complain about repeatedly is something you have an unconscious intention to produce” (I can’t remember who said it and unfortunately I can’t properly credit the person); and I ask myself: why would I want to produce this in my life? What psychological benefit would I get from it? And this usually helps a lot, even when I can’t answer these questions straight away.
When I feel discouraged and defeated, I immediately get on the Positive Thought Train and start thinking about all my accomplishments over the past weeks / months / years. This helps me move away from the feelings of defeat.
All my best,
Anne
Jane Bailey Bain says
Serendipity: another post that reflects thoughts and things that have just been happening in my own life. Thank you!
Rainigade says
Really needed to read/hear this today. I’m feeling dejected and have hit a wall in a new relationship that is very important to me. I have been wallowing & complaining internally all day and my productivity has been zero. One small step…. one small step at a time. Thank you for this.
Mark says
I didn’t think this one would apply to me – wonder why? It was just what I needed this morning. Thank you.
Ritu Chowdhary says
Completely agree to all of these points, Thank you so much!!
So true- Complaining is only making matters worse. Instead of complaining, since I started accepting things the way they are, it has helped me a lot.
My addition to the list is – Don’t react but learn to respond. Reacting makes things worse and keep us in a wandering state.
Sandra Hamlett says
This post was a welcome morning read. When I am feeling crushed by situations I’ve been stepping back and searching for the meaning in the moment. I’ll ask, “What is the lesson here?” This has really helped to move from distress into empowerment. Then I try and do something to move myself forward. This has really helped when dealing with difficult people. Thanks!
Arina says
This is exactly what I needed to be reminded of.
Thank you.
Haidee says
I always keep in mind that every challenge I go thru, big or small, makes me a better person. I’ve gone thru so much pain in my life but I’m so proud of each and every scar that I’ve gotten from all that. I am stronger and more courageous as I continue to make good of my time here on Earth.
Dameon says
I’m amazed at how the universe unfolds…I’m in a bit of a low point in my life & what article to I happen accross over breakfast reading, yours! Perfect timing for some encouraging words. Thank you for sharing!
Seth Gehrke says
Love this! Thanks for the honesty and transparency. I seem to ride the waves between super creative and productive and elated to a short time of exhausted wallowing as well. I loved the point that I can be more than just a creatively productive person. It’s ok to just “be” somedays. Thanks for the reminder.
One things that really helps me stay balanced and have less down times if to meditate on something positive (one idea) for 10-15min daily. It reduces the amount of wallowing events I run into. Thanks again!
DM says
This reading was perfect for me this morning as I struggle through a lot of changes that have happened in a swirl wind for my family in the past couple of years. My family changes have been stupid mistakes over the last 2 years as I struggle to make piece with selling our beautiful house in a fabulous Intown neighborhood to buying the wrong home – selling it, losing money (have never lost money on real estate until this) and now landing in a nice large home but not in the area of town we like and the neighborhood feeling a little ghost-town-ish!
Struggling with theses crazy moves as well as trying to finally find a successful career at the age of 49.
Looking at all my friends having very successful careers and trying to figure out where I went wrong.
Feeling that my life has definitely gone backwards the last 3 years!
Jessy says
To DM:
Do not be discouraged. I am praying for help for you. The fact that you acknowledge that things seem out of place is an indication of your willingness to grow. Remember what you are unwilling to let go of is where you stop growing. You are on the right path. Everything will unfold. Nothing is wrong with taking a few steps backward to reach for a higher place. Consider a dog aiming for a surface much higher, he takes a few steps back and then jumps. You are simply getting into position to move higher.
Jessy says
Sometimes being discouraged and defeated can be the best thing happening to us. It will cause us to stop think. Whatever we believe about life, none of us can deny that at these times, like you mentioned we wonder about our existence. We begin to feel like a hamster on a wheel.
In the book of Ecclesiastes 7:3 it says ” sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.”
Positive thoughts and actions can only take us so far. There is more to know and come to understand. Feeling discouraged and defeated is a great place to start. Thanks for your thoughts and here’s to praying for that experience of peace.
Sumsum says
I’ve been going through a divorce where I feel defeated & stuck. I’ve tried every way I could to fix it, but failed. You’ve made me realize you can not control everything that happens, and not resist reality. The world isn’t all about me…take tiny step to move forward & do something worthwhile. For each day is priceless!
I appreciate you sharing your down time, I can finally move on. Keep up your good work!
khemal says
Today I felt defeated by the mistakes I made and showed to my colleagues. But then this article showed up and proved this article worked on me!
Thank you. May you be blessed with goodness.
Johnny says
Thank you so much for this post. I’m in a funk right now. Sometimes I think I can get out of it, but then I think it’s hopeless. Greetings from Colombia.
Michael Gregory II says
I often glide to the field of placing myself into one category. When running a business and always expected to keep in the progress of productivity, the idea of being “lazy” or relaxing for just two days seems weird. I feel like it’s expected to live a certain lifestyle in order to “please” the outside world.
But I am starting to realize the barrier that’s structured within my mind. I guess I do need to realize I’m made up of a wide range of emotions, thoughts, and feelings.
This pushes a lot of unwanted expectancies from me and allows me to enjoy life for what it is. Or else, by imaging myself as this perfect being, I’ll drive myself insane because I’m not reaching that unattainable goal. The best I can do is do as much as I’m comfortable with and continue to thrive forward while enjoying the journey.
Mary Anne Looby says
Thank you for this. It was something I needed to read this morning. I have had a bad couple of weeks. I have been flat on my back waiting for a new doctor to see treatment (insurance issues) while at the same time having my husband go through radiation treatments. My expectation was to take care of him. Today after three weeks I am finally downstairs, having had my injections on Thursday. My back feels great, but I have had a killer headache that nothing will touch. Today I said too bad, I am getting up and going downstairs to get something done. As I got out of bed I felt something pull wrong in my sholder and I am back at square one from a month ago. I can finally stand up and walk like a normal person, but cannot use my left arm for much. Of course I am left handed. I am so tired of living with cronic pain. It is so hard to just get going when parts of your body are screaming in pain. I am doing it, but am doing it through tears. Thanks for your uplifting words, they will help me to move.
Bhaskar says
Your post reminded me of so many beautiful facts of life. Simply superb.
Charles says
To Mary Anne Looby:
Your post gave me a lift .I just turned on my computer. I am in Mc Donalds having my Morning Coffee/Muffin..I just spent the last 20 minutes of my life all upset that my usual parking space was taken and there was a line up at the serving counter..The New girl serving did not know my “Usual” Order. One darn thing after another. Then I saw Marc and Angel had just sent this new post…I don’t usually read all answers. But for some reason Yours made me look and read…I am sitting here counting my blessings thanks to your bravery and strength ..You have my admiration. Thank you for making me see how utterly silly and ungrateful most of us are.
Mary Pugh says
I struggle with that feeling every morning but like you, I take one small step and try not to look further ahead than that til that task is accomplished. I find that I improve steadily through the day until I’m functioning normally (ish). If I didn’t do this, I probably would never leave my bed! Glad to hear I’m not alone!
Thank you, Mari 😉
annemarie says
I love your blog and find it uplifting. When I feel low i work on my knitting which is a great healer, and I also think of people I know who are going through painful physical and mental struggles and how lucky I really am.
Howlingatthemoon says
My 28-year marriage ended and, after helping my ex start a successful business and dropping out of the workforce to stay home to raise our children, I’m finding it really hard to reinvent myself. I have a job I don’t love and can’t seem to find a better fit, so I’m trying to be grateful for this job. The divorce was catastrophic financially. He got the business, which is the machine that makes money, and has chosen not to help our children financially in any way since they are over 18 and in college. My friends are talking about retirement and I’m hoping I can keep working until I’m 70. It’s not too hard to get discouraged, and I’m so lonely. I’m trying to learn how to be happy alone. The biggest challenge is not envying others or spending time in resentment. Your post today about taking one positive step is about all I can do, but I can do that. Thank you.
Linda says
Hi Marc,
Thank you so much for this post today. I’m sorry you are in a “funk” but I’m so glad you turned on your computer to share that with us and for the thoughts that are so helpful. I also have had some of those feelings since my husband died a few months ago. I thought I was prepared and strong, but it’s overwhelming at times and I get discouraged. Your comments are so helpful to me today and even comforting to realize I’m not alone. Yes, we do tend to think we are the ONLY ONES having a difficult time, but, of course, we are not. I especially like the thought that we are NOT the center of the universe and most important of all is to remember that TODAY is a PRICELESS gift. Your post has helped me immensely to take a deep breath, jump in the shower, and GET ON WITH MY DAY. ….I can do it!!
All the best to you, Marc.
Thanks.
Linda
Absolutely Tara says
I have these days. The can’t get out of bed days. They occur for me when I am acting in a way that is conflicting with my heart’s desires, but logical in my brain. I know there are many other reasons for depression, but mine stem from losing my truth. I thought you offered some great tips here. Thanks for sharing.
-Tara
absolutelytara.com
Heather says
Can’t seem to get motivated at all. There’s really nothing I want to do anymore alone. Loved your articles, but guess I’m too old and tired and alone to find much inspiration anymore. If you can tell your readers one thing it’s this: when your soulmate dies, nothing can prepare you for the emptiness of life. So enjoy your person with all your heart and soul while he’s still here.
Rose Costas says
Thanks Marc for this great post. I was feeling that way today and somehow knew I would find something on your blog to motivate me and I did.
It is easy to resort to self pity and depression but it is less productive. I might not get as much as I would like done today but I am feeling stronger and better just because I didn’t allow myself to submit to my feelings.
David says
Fantastic post Marc. It’s funny, before reading this I already felt and communicated several of the lessons here to others, friends and family, so I can totally relate to the messages here…my favorite being to ‘stop complaining #5’
We all know people who like to complaining and it doesn’t do ANYTHING except make matters worse. If complaining about something could resolve problems, I’d be the first in line leading the rants! hehehehe…but it doesn’t solve anything and wastes time.
Great lessons here….
BlackDiamond says
Great post,
Thanks for the transparency regarding your situation and how you went forward to address it. Great points perspectives and actions to implement when I get a little frustrated, off track and discouraged. Thanx.
Dee says
Thank you for a wonderful article, and just for you being YOU! My favorite part was the end where you said that this (fabulous) blog post was the result of all the many tiny steps. It further illustrated the truth and power in what you are recommending WE do, to pull ourselves “out of a funk”. When I feel very defeated, or depressed, or doubt myself and my well-intentioned effects on others, I repeat The Serenity Prayer, over and over and over, again. I try to think about what the words refer to, RIGHT NOW, in MY life, and envision ways to make my own Serenity through allowing that I canNOT control everything, and that this is okay. Each time as I repeat the prayer, I find myself relaxing my grip on the situation, and releasing the stress, fear, and doubt, a little more than the last. May others find peace and encouragement in your words, and in their own, beautiful, individual ways! (The Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. AMEN!)
Linda says
Marc, I send you a virtual hug. Thank you for sharing your journey and writing beautiful posts.
Betsy says
Thanks Marc. I am trying to start each new day as a new day. I understand being in the funk. Sometimes, I can go for days, and then it hits, the funk. I try to self talk and be positive. Try to turn my thoughts around, and be thankful for any small thing I can, so as not to be negative.
I have been working on myself with the help of your posts and peoples comments. We are all in this thing called “life” together.
@Heather, I completely understand what you are saying. Sometimes, it’s why bother. But then I self talk again, because I don’t want to be alone either. After losing my soulmate, I wonder if I will ever find someone to share things with again. I hope so, and that is what keeps me going. The hope. I get into the funk that Marc speaks about, and the self pity, but have to try very hard to turn it around. We are worthy, we are just wanting to share our lives with someone again. Best wishes Heather. Keep on keeping on. Thank you Marc.
Sharon says
Thank you!!!
I have been in a funk lately. Today seemed worse than ever. I’ve been dealing with my father’s illness and have been with him since Christmas going to the hospital the rehabilitation, back to his assisted living only to start over again. I’m one of three children, the only girl, so every thing falls into my lap. I have one brother who is there for me, the other moved out of state . I didn’t want to get out of my bed today or go see my Dad. I did go see him only to be thrown out by him for trying to get him to do his exercises.I was still having my pity party until I decided to read your blog, even though it’s too late to save this day. I’m going to read it again first thing tomorrow.
Jo says
Just what I needed today. Thank you for a great article 🙂
Lauren says
I so needed this right now, thank you!!! Your transparency today is exactly what I needed!
Sandy Nelson says
Such an inspiring post! Applause!!
Ravinder Singh says
I always eagerly wait for your posts. You can’t imagine what it gives to me .
I always go through your articles repeatedly too.
Hats off to Marc & Angel & and also the readers and commenters here.
Love you, keep it up always.
Thanks.
Christine Rosas says
I really appreciated the wake up call to simple solutions for those times when I’m in a runt!
I’d like to add that I benefit from shifting my perspective of the meaning behind those times I feel a strong pull to not do a darn thing.
Just as my inner wise voice guides me to the next step, I believe that contracted place also has a valid voice. I tune into that voice and hear it out. It may not guide my next best step, yet it sets the speed of my actions.
I believe all of me (lightness and darkness) needs to be on board for the next best step to occur smoothly and in alignment with my true self.
Aden L says
Your blog was so in correct timing as I feel very discouraged & defeated today. It was indeed an eye opener! Your points were so clear and inspiring!
I wish to read more of your blogs.
Emily says
Thank you, thank you, thank you! That was incredibly accurate, and the sloutions really helped me. It’s the first time I visit your blog but, well, I seriously need to come here over and over again. So thank you.
Noel Rosos says
Great article as always Marc! Very uplifting. I especially liked what you said about “our resistance to what is” because I realized I often do this to myself. Acceptance is the key and if we learn to accept where we are and what we are right now, the feeling of defeat shouldn’t have that big of an impact.
As for what can share, one of the things I tell myself when I feel discouraged is that this is all temporary and that in life, we don’t always win. Accept that today is nothing to celebrate about but look forward to tomorrow’s gifts and opportunities that await.
Thanks for sharing Marc!
Bernie says
To DM:
I feel exactly what you are going through. As I read your post it sounded exactly what I went through by making the same mistake a couple years ago and still trying to accept it. That compounded with career issues has been difficult to overcome.
All I can say is that I completely appreciate what you are going through. Post if you find a solution so I can learn as well!
muyiwa says
You guys are always on point. And wow your son is already becoming a big boy (seen the photos on FB). I relate to that point six, though it might just be too late because the exam is next tomorrow, and even if i decide to change my habit now it might not matter that much.