It’s your choice… To be positive and free or to be imprisoned by your own negativity. To live in the past or to be hopeful about the present.
(Note: This post was expanded and updated here: 5 Lessons I Learned from Overcoming the Hardest Days of My Life)
1. Clear the unnecessary clutter and complications standing in your way.
As Einstein once said, “Out of clutter, find simplicity; from discord, find harmony; in the middle of difficulty, lies opportunity.”
Sometimes we make life more complicated than it is. We attach our happiness to achievement and then look for it in all the wrong ways and in all the wrong places. Of course, you don’t have to live like this. If you feel like you are, it’s time to simplify things. It’s time to clear the air and get back to the basics.
Simplifying is not seeing how little you can get by with – that’s poverty – but how efficiently you can put first things first, and use your time accordingly to pursue the things that make a difference and mean the most to you. Less truly is more. Instead of adding, improve your life by subtracting. Get rid of unnecessary clutter, negative influences and toxic relationships. There’s a big difference between what you want and what you need, between what’s excessive and what’s essential. (Angel and I discuss this process in the Simplicity chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
2. Reach out and help people.
Our setbacks are often mostly about us, wallowing in our own self-pity. This doesn’t sound great, but we all do it almost every day to a small extent without noticing it. When you catch yourself doing this, know that the best antidote is to get outside yourself, stop being self-centered, and re-focus on the people around you. Try to find a way to help someone else. It will inevitably, infallibly, make you feel better.
When we realize that helping others is the key to realizing our own happiness, it saves us a lot of trouble.
Truth be told, the closest thing to being cared for is to care for others. We are all in this together and we should treat each other as such. Use your voice for kindness, your ears for compassion, and your hands for charity, always. No exercise is better for your heart and mind than reaching down and helping others up. Happiness and success in life doesn’t come through selfishness, but through selflessness. The best way to feel alive on down days is to get up and do something positive for the folks around you.
And remember, you don’t need a reason to help someone. Just do it. The reason will come to you.
Your turn…
What helps you persevere and bounce back from life’s setbacks? How do you motivate yourself through difficult situations on a daily basis? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights?
Photo by: Daniel Smith
Dev says
Thank you.
Christy says
Love this one. Super inspiring.
Marsha says
Always wonderful, you two.
Jose says
I’m with Dev. When I’m facing a setback in my life, I focus on making the tiniest bit of progress – super small steps. By focusing small, I’m able to make big leaps over the long term and get myself back on track.
Celeste says
Thank you so much for this post. I am going through a big challenge in my life and this is exactly what I need. I am saving this one to come back and reflect on.
Yatin Khulbe says
Thanks Marc for this wonderful post. I completely agree with your success point. We must not attach happiness with our success. We have to clear up all the mess and think in a detached manner.
During tough times, I always try to focus on things which are close to my heart. Many times, I face very extreme moments in which I always close my eyes and visualize my true purpose in life.
Ya, our ideal and expectations don’t materialize. These days I am going through this phase only. Many times, it’s quite depressing. But, I have complete belief in my long-term goals.
David Rapp says
I am a massive daydreamer. Being bi-polar makes that even more difficult since I tend toward racing thoughts (good or bad). It can be a rapid accelerator to nowhere, and big time waster. It can make working, like today, very hard to focus on and execute.
But the upside is it opens up a well of creativity. I have written whole songs in my head during a car trip, even though I do not play an instrument and I cannot read music. I enjoy jumping on a plane and solving customer issues with little preparation.
But I now have messed up my health, and it is long overdue to address the situation. I am limping in pain, I take a huge amount of medicine, and I sleep with a breathing machine. Its all catching up with me, and I realized that I have to get selfish with my priorities. I cannot fall to the bottom whenever the phone rings, and I cannot just watch more TV or read more books to relax.
So my reality is to accept that I am 46, overweight, bi-polar, hormone depleted (I cannot make testosterone), and injured. This has to take top priority.
And so it begins….again…just a little more wisely
Shelley J says
Marc and Angel,
I know at times I comment on the FB post, but I wanted to comment directly on this article… I am so grateful for you opening yourself up and sharing the naked truth of the struggles you are experiencing. I know this article has really struck a nerve and I was crying before getting to the end of it. When reading this it sounds so simple but for some godly reason our flesh continues to hold on to those patterns that do not produce good outcomes, but each day I press my thoughts and mind to look at life from a positive outlook, I just recently started a 30-day journey of gratitude. And also reading your blog post daily to find the words of encouragement and strength that it gives!
Thank you, Shelley J
Suz says
Being ‘others focused’ and grateful each day, expressing gratitude, is what helps me through the daily struggles.
Karen M says
Thank you for this and your other writings. I often don’t have time but for some reason decided to read this and it hit home in a big way.
And David Rapp I feel like who hit my current experiences on the nail (but just change the diagnosis). Thank you for sharing with us like you did.
This writing confirmed a decision this morning to say no to a possible gig (if someone else is not available) even though I need the money. Time to stop being available to help everyone else and help myself and be more selective in how I will give my time away.
Thank you,
Karen
Claire says
Hello Marc and Angel,
Three words: WOW + THANK YOU.
Liz says
I recently had my 8th surgery for breast cancer and reconstruction and was hoping it would be my last. I really felt emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically done in as it did not turn out as I had hoped. The past 3 years have been the most challenging but adversity introduced me to myself. I remind myself that progress, not perfection is important. I dig deep and remind myself that I am still alive and can live and experience life. I am learning to embrace the scars and be my own best friend through this journey. I would never say the things I have said to myself to my best friend. So I am being gentle, letting my emotions flow and picking myself back up. This too shall pass!!!
And wow!! Marc I am impressed that you only missed 3 days in a month…gosh try to be realistic about your expectations of yourself! You’re doing great!
Cj says
Thank you for this post as I am in the midst of a set back at this moment. But reading posts like this one and focusing on what I can control, myself, I see myself emerging from it. I know it may take time but this post is just what I needed at this moment and number 2 resonates with me the most right now. Thank you again!
Shella says
“#3. Allow yourself to feel emotional pain, so you can grow beyond it.” Let me give you an example of when permission to feel emotional pain doesn’t work — I am currently in a relationship where my expression of personal needs, wants or desires is met with my partners “emotional pain.” For example, the mere request of needing help with housework, asking for completion of projects in a timely manner, etc. or most any other area in day-to-day living is offensive to him; he says I hurt him with my requests. So, when I request help or completion he has not problem expressing is pain and immediately the convo switches to how I hurt him/upset him/offended him/set him off by bringing it up. Just yesterday I shared with him a plan to move forward with some financial matters important to me that have been neglected for 2+ years (every attempted discussion of the matter ended previously with him being offended when I didn’t categorically agree to his wishes/desires), therefore nothing has been agreed to or accomplished. And he was offended that I was thinking about moving forward without him! And his new hurt feelings became the new topic of the conversation – no focus on the resolution. (yes, we’ve been in marriage counseling for 2+ years, with limited success.) His sensitivity/emotional pain is quite real to him as he’s willing to spend HOURS defending said feelings, but it doesn’t mean it’s justified. Quite honestly, it’s destroying our marriage big time. Then I jump to #6…. “Get rid of unnecessary clutter, negative influences and toxic relationships.” I find his behavior manipulative.
Mandy Carroll says
First thank you for the emails and all the wisdom, hope and love they contain.
I am in deep….yet good…I am in school for bodywork and counseling in the Fall and working 5 to 6 days a week to pay for living expenses and such…oh and schooling. Not forever…yet it requires hard hard work to get to the goal.
I read this article and was…encouraged….
I have a history of abuse…in childhood, marriage and then in one of the few relationships I have had since the marriage ending. I look forward to the day where those recent words are no longer part of me…yet to get to that place I have to do the work. And that is how this article so aided me today.
I have always been on a crusade for a reason. Protecting my siblings, protecting my children, always bouncing back, being the warrior for everyone but me. So imagine my surprise when I realized I was doing this all for me. Kind of like taking a bullet to the chest. I do not know how to do this for me…without being called selfish and cold and mean. And I would agree with them. Until I read a post recently where you mentioned that when someone is talking bad at you or about you, they are speaking about themselves. I had heard it before, but it never sank in until I was sitting there memorizing my 200th muscle structure and it dawned on me….this is all for me…and is that good…?…and whenever I have reached out to do something for me…move forward in this life…fulfill this yearning to do this life work I see myself doing…I have always been attacked…beaten down…it happened just this morning…and maybe it hit me harder because of what happened last night…
After class, which I had received some bodywork on, I returned home to my not so successful relationship, to once again be required to listen to all my shortcomings…this time I turned to him and said…”you should talk about yourself better than that”..he looked at me like he swallowed a rat…I then proceeded to cook dinner…and continue with my plans…he left for work and after a small struggle of being focused I started schoolwork…and again I mention, giving myself this time is the most DIFFICULT thing I will ever do…ever. I did some work and then started feeling nauseous, head hurt and I ached. I know the bodywork can make triggers and here one was…my own little breakdown…so I put the materials away, climbed into a rose scented tub, and then fell asleep…sort of..(another struggle of mine).
And I figured it out, after reading your post. I am allowed to fight and work for my heart…and hard. I am allowed to have feelings, be tired, be overwhelmed and I am allowed to say whoa…I have to stop and focus all on me…This morn I awoke and could not place the problem, but just wanted to rest. Hard to do when one works 6 days a week and goes to school 3 days a week for 8hr days…then studying and care for the home. He came in from work and did 20 questions and I had no answers for him. I was just tired, beat up…so he proceeded to jump on the band wagon of beating me up.
I was so grateful I could miss one day of classes and make it up. Not an easy thing to do for work. I allowed my humanness to come through and do self care. To be grateful, remove fantasies and to say to myself..”you got this, you know this and you are already doing the work, you are studying for now”. I know now I am allowed to love myself…be in love with this creature named Mandy…she is amazing…and still love and care for others, yet not feed the suffering, or enable.
This man and I will most likely part. Yet when it happens…it will not be slamming doors and insults and me walking away thing I am this tragedy and everyone should stay away from me, because I am worthless. It will be because I have found myself and know what I am meant to do. And it is not playing the game of suffering and blame and enabling for another second. It will be for the want of living my life in an adventure, healing, stepping out of the safety bubble of victim and survivor. Into the space of Hi, I am Mandy…I am here to help…lets do this together…in love.
Steve says
So many times before, I’ve read comments that what your wrote was just what someone needed to read.
Today, what you wrote was what I needed to read.
Thank you.
Jacqueline says
Thank you, this has really helped me to know we are all a work in progress and if Jesus had to learn obedience through suffering then who do i honestly think i am. I am getting stronger through adversity and I am learning and yes i am not too bad either. We are often our own worst enemy, but small steps forward are sometimes all that is needed. It is like the joke
statistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy… today i am sneezy (hayfever) tomorrow i might be grumpy. Sometimes we need to lighten up and when its seriously too much like bereavement etc then we need to be very, very kind to ourselves, until we heal and can move on.
have a good day,
Jacqueline
Sandra says
Thank you for such an uplifting blog! I’ve been reading your blog for some time now but never made a comment until today. Anytime I’m struggling or need a pick me up, I come here to do it. It’s been such a important part of my day. I’m grateful for people like you two!
Suzanne says
Thank you for your article. Being positive is very important in life as we need it to get thru each and every day. Being a cancer survivor and going thru more health issues and surgeries than i can begin to count it has always been helpful to look to God for help. Loss of job as well has been difficult. But Thank God I have the most wonderful husband in the world and such loving and caring family and friends to see me thru. Finding something to laugh about and being positive instead of negative each day has been a blessing.
Andrew Zimmermann says
Hi Marc and Angel,
I have really appreciated your blog over the last few years and I have highly recommended it to friends and family. I am a researcher in the persuasive technology lab at Stanford University under Dr. BJ Fogg. This post really reminds me of his work on human behavior.
Many people struggle to do hard things in their life and they get frustrated when they fail. They start to wonder why they aren’t motivated to do the things they know will change their lives. He has a very powerful model and message. I have attached his video on how motivation works: youtube.com/watch?v=fqUSjHjIEFg – I highly recommend anyone struggling with implementing new behaviors check out his work.
Finally, in relation to this post, I have found 3 things to be really powerful to say to myself when I am not meeting my own expectations:
1. You are not bad
2. You are not alone – this happens to everyone all the time
3. There is a way out.
Whenever I am struggling, these three statements help me wrap my mind around the problem and allow me to start solving the problem.
Marci B says
I agree…It is encouraging to see so many others inspired by your words! I missed my peer counseling group today, lack of sleep, health issues, etc. It’s hard sometimes to be patient with myself!!! I too am learning that everything I do is really for myself and I try to listen to the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have a decision to make between getting a part-time job and/or applying for SSI. I wish I had the energy to do both!!! Due to this post I am feeling much less discouraged and more connected to everyone/less isolated. I use Pandora as a way to get motivated, I’ve put stations I like on my list and put it on shuffle! Sometimes I get up and dance! My next goal it to put music on an Ipod so I can listen when I’m not around my computer.
Chas says
I really think that in my life I have been through more than just about anyone I know… Having said that. When I look at little kids with diseases that are incurable…When I read of the Captured Children in Africa Never to be seen again, ETC. I turn my thoughts to…Hey I have a roof over my head. Food in my belly. Clothes on my back.. No matter how tough things get, I will always have those things. Also who wakes up in the mornings and goes “Well I am a lucky man/Woman…(Whatever)…I have perfect HEALTH!!.” (Try It)…Material things come and go, but if you have someone that loves you..AND YOU love YOU… you have the world by the tail.
Open the window and throw Complaining out. And let Counting your blessings flow IN.
Betsy says
Thank you so much. Your words, and other’s comments keep me going on the straight and narrow.
It has been rough getting to this point, but I am doing it. It is slow, sometimes frustrating, I laugh, I cry, I appreciate what everyone is going through, and find it comforting that other’s are in the same place.
We are all working toward the end goal, one small step at a time. Thank you all again.
Eric says
Thank you all! Your honest words have truly moved me!
To Shella I say “Be strong, be true to yourself” I was cruising through this post reading with the goal of finishing it and moving on to something else. Then I got to your comment … stopped me cold. I am that guy, at least I was. It’s been 9 months since my partner of seven years came home and said the words ” I can’t do this anymore, one of us has to leave.” I was devastated, confused, hurt, angry and just about every other emotion you can name. I loved this woman with all my heart, and she was leaving me! Why? I cried, over and over for all these long months. Just recently I have started to understand … she wasn’t happy with me, with herself, with life. I am realizing now that it wasn’t her fault, it was mine. I had become so negative and unpleasable. Nothing she did was ever quite right or quite enough. Somewhere along the way I lost sight of how to be happy, at all. I worked long hours at a job I didn’t really like, I let my work take advantage of me again and again until I became bitter, unhappy, and unbearable to live with.
Of course I blamed everyone and anything for my constant foul mood and short temper. It has only been very recently that I have started to understand just how far from the real me I had drifted, and I thought that by admitting my own fault, I would magically not be like that anymore. Of course I was going about things all wrong. Up until this very weekend past I was steadily sliding deeper and deeper into darkness. Then there was a death in the family and my whole existence nearly snuffed out. I contemplated things that I have never thought I would. Suicide seemed like the only way to make the constant pain of loss after loss stop. But then something wonderful happened. I went to the funeral and was uplifted by my family as they celebrated the passing of one of us. Everyone was sad yes, but they celebrated a life lived fully and with few regrets….
I went home and picked up my copy of 1000 Things, and actually started to read it. And now today I read this post and all the comments. I’m going to be OK. I am not alone, unloved, unworthy. I will have a good life with or without the woman I loved for so many years. I hope and pray that someday I will again find love, and this time I will be better prepared to be a partner instead of a combatant. Yes I wish I could go back and right the wrongs I did, but that isn’t going to happen. She is gone and now it is time to move on. I can do this, especially if I can keep my mind open, and my thoughts focused on what I actually have control over. I will continue to follow Marc and Angel for they have taught me to live again! Thank you so very much!!
Rikki says
Top shelf stuff – as usual:)
John Manson says
I agree with all the points that you mention. They are very important bounce back to your life and work in the optimistic manner. I really appreciate how you’ve worded your material in this article. I am real impressed with this information and you’ve managed to keep it interesting.
Shawn Griffith says
Absolutely great material. I sincerely believe that attitude, optimism, gratitude and compassion are critical for leading a happy and productive life, no matter what is happening.
Emmanuel says
I visit your website everyday. Reading your articles keep me going. Thanks.
PS: I’m from the Philippines.
enila stella says
So many things help me bounce back from setbacks:
1. Determination
2. Patience
3. Your believe that is just temporary
4. You have to think and move forward
5. Planning
6. Be yourself and not another
7. Try not to pretend
8. Show people who you are, your behavior and so many more
9. Try asking your self positive question
10. Work hard to achieve what you want
11. Don’t wait for others, your parent, guidance and so many more
How do i motivate myself through difficult on a daily basis?
Though am human, i have to fall and rise again, i have to look back some time on my pass and i also pray for my future that is should be good
Sometimes i ask question that make me cries alone in the night and i do imagine thing maybe it can come through and i ask some people maybe this imagination can come through or not.
1. I never let my trouble pull me down
2. I don’t listen to the negative thing people talk about me but i have to ask myself maybe this things is true
3. I make plans for myself and i also look forward to the ahead of me
4. I don’t want to be like my parent, and i won’t be.
Marc Chernoff says
@Marsha and Liz: Please stay strong. You both are amazingly courageous in your struggles – I can tell just by your willingness to share a small piece of your story with us. And I’m praying your strength and courage continue to grow. Best of luck to you both. 🙂
@Shella: As with anything, there must be balance, of course. It sounds like your spouse is dealing with some extreme emotional battles. With that said, I think you may find value in this article: 10 Toxic Relationships Mentally Strong People Avoid (And please don’t take the title to heart until you read the post.)
@Mandy: I love the way you ended your comment. Cheers to self-care!
@Eric: Excellent advice. And I’m glad you’ve found value in our book, 1,000 Little Things.
And as always, everyone… THANK YOU! Your comments continue to motivate Angel and me to write and share with you.
Frank says
Marc
Thanks for a great article!
To bounce back from life’s setbacks I tend to think:
1) The issue is probably less bad than you think
2) Life still goes on
3) Look on positive. (I believe there is always a good thing to learn in a setback.)
Erynn Haskins says
Thanks for posting these tips. Anything is possible with a little gratitude…I’m a firm believer in that to get me through the day.
SR says
In response to Shella- I think your hubby and my S.O. or ex must be twins. Everything is always about him. He chooses beer over us. I’m so glad I found this site. I’m on a new journey to rid myself of a toxic person who disrespects me. I will no longer be the victim. I am worthy, I know this too shall pass. Thank you for allowing me to find this site!!!!!
Emily says
Hi Marc and Angel,
Thank you for this wonderful site. It is always truly humbling to realize that we are not perfect, as hard as we try to be. It’s ok to fail once in a while– I’ve learned that failure and mistakes are only lessons to be learned and they do NOT define who you are. If anything, they make you stronger and motivate you to continue on and find other ways to solve a problem.
I’ve been following your blog for about a year now and it’s always been my reminder in life when reading not only the articles but some of the comments that come through. Everyone is here to support each other, because we’re all only human trying to get by in life. And life is already hard enough, why make it harder?
I’m thankful for everyone supporting you both, and for you both to support everyone else! Thank you for all the wonderful articles!
Ruby says
Hi,
Thank you so much. This post was really enlightening on several levels. I really enjoyed how you said that doing things for others is actually something that helps you to realize what makes you happy personally. I just really enjoyed this post.
-Ruby
Kitty says
Hey, I just wanted to comment on how profound and inspiring your words are Marc! A lot of things that you have mentioned I can absolutely relate to and it does feel less saddening in life to know that we are indeed not alone in our setbacks and that ultimately set backs are just temporarily! I am a student wishing to aim high but I constantly have these thoughts of “I want to be the best I can be” and I guess what happens is that I always seem to compare myself with others a lot and worry about how I rank amongst them. The constant thought of not wanting to fail is really dreadful to me and sometimes it just gets a bit too overwhelming because of the amount of work I have to put in in order to achieve my goal. But what I’ve learnt not necessarily from just this article, is that I should focus on the present more – not worry about the what ifs and what I should have done in the past or the outcomes of my future – to realise that it is the present time that counts. Thanks again for your awesome awesome post – especially a few minutes ago I had lost the motivation to study but now it’s time to hit the books!
Diego says
Hi,
This post has come to me at the right moment and I am ever grateful for it so thank you. I have recently lost someone that I thought would be there for me when things got rough but as the days go by and our distance grows, I am starting to see things differently. It is unfortunate that the reality of this situation has come to me in the way that it has. I do admit that I contributed to the things that happened and how things are now but it still hurts to know that this person whom I still love and consider very important to me, is slowly drifting away. Nevertheless, I have taken the approach to focus on me and maintain a positive mental attitude throughout this whole thing. I meditate before bed, in the shower after I wake, and I go to a peaceful Japanese park across the street full of nature that helps me gather my thoughts and prepare for the day ahead. I also practice gratitude for all that I have and always tell my self to focus on the 90% of the things that make my life amazing, rather than focus on the 10% that make me sad. I’ve also gotten back in tough with some old friends whom I have lost touch with and this has really gave me perspective. Physical exercise is also important so I’ve been playing soccer, which always brightens up my day. So far, this has kept me sane and my thoughts in line with the things that I want to accomplish down the road. I’ve also been contemplating on taking a trip to Greece, which is a place that I’ve dreamed of going to, but Im just waiting for the Finances to line up just right for me to do this. Lastly, spending more time with my family, improving my relationship with me siblings has also allowed me to see that there is a better day to come from all of this. I still hope this person realizes that I am a good person and that I would very much like to change not for her, but mainly for me, as some of the qualities that I show under moments of anger are not generally good in any situation. Once again, thank you for this post. It came at a perfect time.
Jane says
Allowing myself to feel emotional pain so I can grow beyond it. I have learned not to suppress my emotions but to express them in a healthy way, to get them out and move along.
Everything in life is temporary. When I experience pain, I remind myself that this too will pass.
Thank you for the advice again, Marc!
Primavera Morales says
Practical and inspirational. Follow these steps you will never go wrong!
Larry Dunn says
Thank you for your article. Being positive is very important in life as we need it to get thru each and every day. Being a cancer survivor and going thru more health issues and surgeries than i can begin to count it has always been helpful to look to God for help. Loss of job as well has been difficult. But Thank God I have the most wonderful husband in the world and such loving and caring family and friends to see me thru. Finding something to laugh about and being positive instead of negative each day has been a blessing.
Harry Pazzaglia says
Thanks a lot..I was really looking for the same information as my life is full of challenges and i was very much disturbed with that. Through this post i get very useful tips to overcome the situations..Thanks for sharing ..I have added this to my favorites.