“It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.”
? Dale Carnegie
“A 14-year-old patient of mine will be undergoing her 10th surgery in the past two years to combat a rare form of cancer. Even after all the surgeries, I’ve never seen her frown. She’s still 100% certain she’ll survive. And I’m certain her attitude is the primary reason she has survived to this point. She laughs and plays with her friends and family every day. And her positive attitude has made her dozens of new friends at the hospital. A kid like her who can go through everything she’s been through and come out smiling makes me realize how sour my attitude often is for no good reason at all.”
That’s an excerpt from an email I received this morning from one of our readers. And, coincidentally, just as I finished responding to it, a new email from a course student popped up in my inbox that opened with an extremely similar theme:
“Today I realized that my best friend, who lost her mom last year to cancer, has a happier, more optimistic and thankful attitude about life than I do…”
In our line of work, Angel and I hear from dozens of readers, coaching clients and students enrolled in our Getting Back to Happy course every day. Through this experience, we often see the same exact toxic attitudes tearing otherwise healthy individuals apart. And we’ve witnessed, firsthand, the devastation this toxicity causes to their personal and professional growth, and to their relationships.
Let’s be honest, though, we’ve all acted in toxic, damaging ways at one time or another. None of us are immune to occasional toxic mood swings. But that doesn’t mean we have to succumb to them. Whether your toxic attitude is a common occurrence or just a sporadic phenomena, it’s critical for your long-term happiness and success that you are able to recognize when you’re thinking and acting poorly, and consciously shift your mindset.
Here are 12 of the most common toxic attitudes we see plaguing people, and some tips to get you back on track:
1. “I don’t have enough to be happy.”
Instead of thanking the heavens for two strong legs and a body that’s capable of running and jumping and dancing, lots of people complain about their weight and appearance.
Instead of appreciating that they live in a country that protects their basic human rights and civil liberties, lots of people complain about laws, taxes and politicians.
Instead of being grateful for the roof they have over their heads, lots of people wish they had a larger house and a fancier car.
Don’t be one of these people. You may not have it all, but you have a lot.
To witness miracles in your daily life, count your blessings and be thankful for what you DO have. There are others who aren’t so lucky.
2. “Happiness should be handed to me on a silver platter.”
Pursuing happiness is not at all the same as being happy, which is a fleeting feeling dependent on momentary circumstances. If the sun is shining, by all means bask in it. Happy times are great and often fun-filled, but happy times pass, because time passes. This is something we often resist, which results in us alienating ourselves and everyone around us.
In other words, we expect to be happy 24/7, and we expect happiness to be delivered to us on a silver platter. We anticipate an easy life where instant gratification is the norm. And this leads to disappointment and toxic mood swings.
The truth is that the lifelong pursuit of happiness is elusive; it’s not based on quick thrills and instantaneous fulfillment. It’s a ‘pursuit.’ And what you are pursuing is meaning – living a meaningful life. It starts with your “why.” (Why are you doing what you’re doing every day?) When your ‘why’ is meaningful, you are pursuing happiness.
There will be times when things go so wrong that you barely feel alive. And there will also be times when you realize that being barely alive, on your own terms, is better than living a lifeless existence for 80 years on someone else’s terms. The pursuit isn’t all or nothing; it’s all AND nothing, with ups and downs and worthwhile lessons along the way.
3. “Every step I take needs to make logical sense (to everyone).”
If we listened to our logic 24/7 we’d never have truly passionate, romantic relationships. We’d never have life-long, long-distance friendships. We’d never go in business because we’d be cynical. We’d forever be stuck thinking: “I’m going to fail.” Or “he’s going to hurt me.” Or, “I’ve had a couple of bad love affairs, so therefore…” Well that’s nonsense! You’re going to miss life if you think this way.
If you wait around until everything makes perfect logical sense to you and everyone around you, and you feel 100% safe and ready, you will be waiting the rest of your life.
Sometimes you just have to take a chance!
Sometimes you just have to get up and go for it!
Sometimes you just have to jump off a cliff and build your wings on the way down!
4. “I’m not good enough.”
When you catch yourself in a cycle of self-hate, you must remind yourself that you weren’t born feeling this way. That at some point in the past some person or experience sent you the message that something is wrong with you, and you internalized this lie and accepted it as your truth. But that lie isn’t yours to carry, and those judgments aren’t about you. And in the same way that you learned to think negatively of yourself, you can learn to think new, positive and self-loving thoughts.
You can learn to challenge those false beliefs, strip away their power, and reclaim your self-respect. It won’t be easy, and it won’t transpire overnight. But it is possible. And it begins when you decide that there has to be a better way to live, and that you deserve to discover it. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
5. “Everyone must like me!”
People who constantly strive for validation by others are exhausting to be around. Those men and women who get caught up in the need to prove their worth over and over and over, and constantly want to win over everyone around them, are unintentionally toxic and draining. Know this. Over-attaching to how things have to look to others can wear you out and bring everyone else around you down.
There is a bigger picture to your life, and it’s not about what you achieve in the eyes of the masses. It’s about the journey, the process, the path – what you’re learning, how you’re helping others learn too, and the growing process you allow yourself to participate in.
6. “I’ve seen and heard it all before.”
No matter how much you know, there’s a whole lot you don’t know. Period.
In almost every situation, a little more willingness to acknowledge that there may be something you do not know could change everything. Go somewhere new, and countless opportunities suddenly appear. Do something differently, and all sorts of great new possibilities spring up.
Keep an open mind. Always.
It’s what we learn, after we “know it all,” that really counts in the end.
7. “I need to be in control (of everything and everyone).”
Imagine that you’re driving in your car and you get stuck in rush hour traffic. The traffic situation is out of your control and simply requires your patience. However, this doesn’t stop you from switching lanes, trying to cut in front of other cars, or even leaving the road you’re on to try alternate routes – all desperate efforts to gain control. Sadly, these efforts just lead to further stress and unhappiness when they are unsuccessful and control is again obstructed. And when you finally get home, you take your stress out on the people you love the most.
Embrace the fact that some parts of your life are simply meant to be lived, not controlled. No matter what happens, no matter the outcome, you’re going to be just fine. Let the things you can’t control, GO!
Spend your thoughts and efforts on controlling what you do have power over, rather than wasting your peace of mind on the uncontrollable. (Read The Untethered Soul.)
8. “I’ve been hurt too badly to ever heal and move forward with my life.”
Hoarding pain and loss only makes the pain and loss last longer. And this just tears the rest of your life and relationships apart.
One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go – whether it’s guilt, anger, love or loss. Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go. But oftentimes letting go is the healthiest path forward. It clears out toxic thoughts from the past. You’ve got to emotionally free yourself from the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond the past and the pain it brings you.
Again, it takes hard work to let go and refocus your thoughts, but it’s worth every bit of effort you can muster. It’s time to be bold. It’s time to stop reading the previous chapter of your life and start writing the one you’re currently living. Learn from your old mistakes and march confidently on. Sure you’ll make new mistakes along the way, but that’s the whole point – you want to learn from new mistakes, not rot alongside old ones.
Living means taking chances that are worth taking and making mistakes that are worth making. Right now is simply a new chance to get it right, but you have to let go and take this chance.
9. “This (and everything) is personal!”
People are toxic to themselves and others when they believe that everything happening around them is a direct assault on them or is in some way all about them.
Of course, it’s easy to feel unloved and unwanted when people aren’t able to communicate and connect with you in the way you expect. And it’s so hard not to internalize that disconnection as a reflection on your worth. But the truth is, the way other people behave and function is not about you.
Most people are so caught up in their own problems, responsibilities and struggles that the thought of asking you how you’re doing doesn’t even cross their mind. They aren’t being mean or uncaring – they’re just busy and a bit self-centered at times. And that’s OK. Don’t attack them for it. It’s not evidence of some fundamental flaw on your part. It doesn’t make you unlovable or unworthy. It just means that some people aren’t very good at looking beyond their own egocentric bubble. But the fact that you are – that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others – is an incredible strength. (Read The Mastery of Love.)
10. “I’m just too busy right now for family and friends.”
Neglect based on lack of attention often damages relationships far more than malicious abuse.
Although it’s perhaps conceivable that you may lie on your deathbed someday regretting that you didn’t work harder and check every little thing off your to-do list, it’s doubtful that your work will be your biggest concern. What’s more likely, however, is that you will wish you could have one more romantic night with your spouse, another long, heartfelt talk with your sister, and one last good hard laugh with your best friend.
Life is simply too short to be too busy for the people you love.
11. “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”
It’s NOT OK to stretch the truth. Ever! It really isn’t! Doing so only leads to stress in the long run.
In fact, it’s disheartening to think how many people are shocked by honesty, and how few by deceit. Don’t be one of them. Uphold the truth, always. Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often, and you should be the one shocking them with honest words and deeds every day.
The bottom line here is that an honest, loving heart is the beginning of everything that is right with this world. It’s what brings us together and keeps us together through thick and thin.
12. “I’m better than them (and everyone else for that matter).”
And finally, through it all, you have to keep your pride in check…
To admit you made a mistake. To say you are sorry. To know that you can’t possibly know it all. To have big dreams. To admit you owe your success to others too. To poke fun at yourself from time to time. To ask for help when you need it.
To make mistakes and fail. And to try again, willingly.
There are no permanent jobs or absolutes on this planet. We are all just interning and exploring here. Learn from everyone, remain humble, and don’t forget to have a good time along the way.
That’s what happy, successful people do.
Your turn…
If you can see any of these toxic attitudes in yourself, remember, you are not alone. We all have negativity buried deep within us that has the potential to sneak up on us sometimes. The key, of course, is awareness – recognizing these toxic attitudes when they arise and stopping them in their tracks.
So, what toxic attitudes do you sometimes struggle with? How have these attitudes affected your personal and professional contentment? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with us.
Photo by: Eugenia K.
DJ says
Wow Marc, I’m honestly honored that you shared that small excerpt from the email I sent you. I’m happy it helped inspire this post.
And I must say that this post was spot on … I have saved it to read a couple more times.
Currently I see several areas where I could clearly improve. In #7 thank goodness I made a lot of progress, not by choice, but by living alone these past several months loaded down with a major life transition … that’s one way to get to know yourself and learn to let go a little.
Also, with #9 I used to do this to myself and finally realized how paralyzing it was. I kept attributing people’s problems and dramas to myself, and because of that I would simply hide from the world.
So much work still to do! But I’m making great progress. Your course and blog are the catalyst to my positive change.
David Northam says
Well written!
Marc Chernoff says
Thanks for sharing that piece of your story with us, DJ. 🙂
Susan Rae says
Something I’d add to the incredibly resourceful post is this: You can change! Thinking otherwise is truly toxic.
Lately I’ve interacted with far too many people who say they feel that change is impossible. Not just for themselves, but for other people they know as well. I can absolutely see how toxic it is to their personal life, love life and work life.
I know change is possible. It always is! In fact, change is what makes happiness happen at a moments notice – through a change in attitude. It’s all a matter of choice.
Sharon Rhea says
Yes, change is possible. Change came into my life when my husband passed away 10 weeks ago. I read these emails to help myself adjust to the changes. They gave me the tools I needed to rebuild our relationship as he became ill, and now to heal my grief. I appreciate all these words of wisdom as I seek my new normal. I would, however, like to
Marc Chernoff says
Excellent insight!
Laura M. says
Hey Marc, I’ve been struggling with a #9-related issue. As a highly sensitive person I naturally take things personally too often and I don’t realize that what others say isn’t supposed to effect me so deeply. I’ve been following and reading your work for awhile and it’s making me stronger in this area, step by step, day by day
And of course, thank you for publishing this particular piece. It helped.
Rachel Ang says
Great post! Time to put all that aside and pursue our happiness!
Rachel x
thehappybits.blogspot.com
jithin says
Yes, the mind is everything. What you think, you become.
Jay says
I think these things are all great. Happiness starts from within. I am coaching a family member that is a tough situation and I keep telling them to look within, find the lessons, and grow from your situation.
Marc Chernoff says
Your certainly giving good advice. I would also lend them a listening ear and some positive reinforcement whenever you’re able.
Ravindra says
This one is simply superb and captures almost everything that is required for a person to lead a normal, balance and peaceful life. Thanks a ton for posting this piece.
Lynda says
I am so grateful for your blogs. I have your book which is also filled with so many tools that have helped me with my personal growth. I start everyday reading one chapter of 1000 Little Things Happy Successful People Do Differently. Reading a chapter in the morning helps me set my intention for the day.
Being aware of changing the way that we think and challenging negative thoughts truly is the way to a life that is filled with more love and contentment.
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for supporting our work, Lynda. You are helping us greatly. And I’m so glad to hear you resonate deeply with our book.
Van says
Thanks Marc and Angel, your work is appreciated. One toxic habit I would like to overcome is judging because so much good can come from just that one shift. I do believe we do this when we don’t have the strength to work on ourselves and then find ourselves tapping energy from this bad behaviour. It is a never ending struggle to get out of this toxic habit and a few tips would help. Thanks again.
Jeff says
Number 8 is the hardest for me. Where I struggle is the idea to stop reading the old chapter to write the new one. What happens in the next chapters in a book is directly related to the chapters that come before. I can’t close a chapter and pretend (for example) that my wife never left me. It happened, and like it or not, it will directly influence my life going forward. Three kids and almost 20 years together makes it impossible to “let it go”, to move forward as though it never happened or affected my life.
Diane says
Hi Jeff! I’m also working on creating a new life for myself after my husband walked out on me after 33 years of marriage. Letting go is a day-by-day process and I’m still trying to figure out what I want…reading Marc and Angel’s posts are helping me to move on.
Marc Chernoff says
Jeff (and Diane), I think #4 of this post will give you some perspective: 5 Things You Should Know About Letting Go
Best wishes to you both.
Jeff says
Thank you both for the replies!
Corinne says
Well, first, thank you ever so much for summarizing my life, insert smile. A new subscriber, I am searching for a way to live again. Consumed by grief over the last 3 1/2 years, I am coming out on the other side, so-to-speak. However, I find that many of my negative thoughts and behaviors that I thought I had put to rest years ago are now dominating my thoughts and my decisions.
I can’t seem to find that joy for life, that innocent hope that precedes each project and experience that gave my life meaning. I know that I will never, ever be that person again because she died with my Son. I am building a new person, someone who has learned to live a good life despite pain and hardship.
Your words hit several high notes and I will journal those thoughts to support my premise that life does go on. Differently, but forward.
Elaine says
Thanks for your comment, Corrine. I am 3 months out from the loss of my youngest daughter, and in a painful episode of clinical depression. I read the post, all the while thinking “Yes, but…” You added that little bit of wisdom that made it all make sense. Sometimes, seeing someone else come through the grief gives a nugget of hope that I will, too.
Marc Chernoff says
Corrine and Elaine,
I’ve just said a prayer for both of you.
Also, I think you may resonate with #1 of this post: 7 Important Life Lessons Everyone Learns the Hard Way
Alabi Oluwafemi says
Marc (and Angel),
I really enjoy all your helpful emails. They motivate me in my daily life.
Carmen says
Thanks so much for these positive points, it really puts things in perspective. I can truly say I struggle everyday with thinking positive and maybe it’s because last year I hurt my leg and was out if work for 5 months and was misdiagnosed and this year had to get operated on so I’m out of work again. The healing is what really scares me if it’s really going to heal correctly and I do believe it should but theirs always that thought.
Marc Chernoff says
Carmen, my heart goes out to you. Please remember to focus on today – be present and accepting of ‘what is.’ Eliminate the thoughts of what ‘might’ happen, and appreciate ‘now’ for all it’s worth.
Holden Seguso says
Hello Couple,
Great article. First I’d like to express how moved I was after reading the Connie’s comment a few comments above this one. I could feel the dedication and commitment she is making/sacrificing to free herself from burden and it honestly moved me. I’m sending out positive visualizations to her and truly believe she’s a strong woman and will make to the light.
Though all of these suggestions are well articulated. The one that stuck out the most was gratitude. I believe more often then not it is those who’ve experienced the unlucky side of having everything stripped from them that realize how lucky they are.
Btw, reading about the girl having 10 surgeries yet remaining faithful reminds me of an angel. Her courageous acts had a “pay it forward” effect, creating a domino effect of good spirits, and even reached this blog which is reaching so many others. That shows the power virtue can have on people and make the world a gentler place. So inspiring! Thanks for sharing 🙂
Marc Chernoff says
I love your sentiment, Holden. Thank you.
Sherman Smith says
Hey Marc and Angel,
Just from reading this list you have shown me how much I’ve grown throughout the years. Yes I consistently had those toxic thoughts at one point, and they definitely didn’t do me any good. Now I learn how to balance myself by changing my thought process whenever those negative thoughts creep up.
Thanks for the share! Have a good one!
Glen says
Another great article bringing these key points into discussion and not just in our thoughts.
Changing our lives is not like pressing a light switch but more about taking small steps in the right direction, being supported by those who care to help keep our journey on track.
Stay positive, stay strong your life is worth it
Take care
Glen
maga says
I’ve heard this quote saying something like that the most fundamental decision you need to make every day is if you are living in a hostile or friendly world.
I think about it a lot. I used to be sure that the world around me is a good welcoming one. Looking back, I think this belief was such an important part of my identity. And a starting point for a lot of good things in my life.
Lately though i can’t help but feel that the world is a dark, cruel place. I would give everything to not feel this way, but i honestly can’t. I can reason my way out of this thinking, but i can’t shake the feeling.
Thank you for your post! I often look for inspiration on this page when things get hard. I hope to, in some time, get my positive life outlook back with your help.
bryn says
Wow this is so well written thank you! I am guilty of 3 & 4…
Mathias says
Awesome list!
Something that used to keep me from reaching happiness was that I felt like I deserved better from the universe. I kept thinking that I deserved a great life, and that everything should be handed to me just because I felt like I deserved it.
Then I realized that the universe was here first – it doesn’t owe anything to anyone!
maria says
I really love all of the amazing insight I get from all the posts and responses, so thank you all. How do you cope or inspire honesty in others when you are dealing with someone who seems to be a pathological liar (ie-lies when it doesn’t even matter, just about anything)?
Marc Chernoff says
Maria, a pathological liar often needs real medical/psychological assistance. I’m not sure the specifics of your situation.
Generally though, for your own well-being, if you catch someone you care about lying to you over and over again, speak up. Some people will lie to you repeatedly in a vicious effort to get you to repeat their lies until they effectively become true. Don’t partake in their nonsense. Don’t let their lies be your reality. Don’t be afraid to stand up for the truth – YOUR truth. Forgiveness and reconciliation can’t begin until this truth is told.
Kris says
Hello Marc,
#9 is a topic I’ve been challenged with for some time now. It has reached the point where at times, it seems as though people are reading my mind. Makes me feel extremely thin and transparent…
Thandeka says
I really learned a lot from this article – there are a couple of areas I have to work on. Thank you.
Scott Rose says
While #2 through #12 are fine tips, #1 shows a basic lack of understanding of what is happening in America, and disregard for what so many people like myself are trying to restore on a daily basis. We live in a country run by crony corporate oligarchs who write the laws in their favor & enforce the laws unequally, and the government increasingly takes away (and violates) our basic human rights & civil liberties on a daily basis. Choosing to ignore this doesn’t make it go away, it just makes it harder for positive societal change to occur. Of course I could list hundreds of websites which are fighting for the restoration of our freedoms & civil liberties, but just a few are the EFF, ACLU, Drug Policy of America, Rutherford Institute, Liberty Blitzkrieg, Alliance For Natural Health, Institute For Political Economy, Institute For Justice, The Keiser Report, mercola.com, and Coin Center. And HBO’s John Oliver does an amazing job of highlighting these issues every week in a comedic manner.
Jayman says
This is a great article. I fall into everyone of those 12 even to the extreme. It reinforces how much of my life is a complete mess. I have work to do.
Franny says
Just shocked to find this site! These writers and those who participate are so real! It is unbelievable, a God send to me. Thank you. This site will be a daily gift to myself from people who are real, who care and who want a better world, not just for themselves but for others. Prayers for each of you. My problems are severe but with the help of my “new found friends” on this site, along with GOD I will survive. Thanks again.
Larry says
I spend every morning early with my dog on a three mile walk and often I worry about the trials of the day and future. In this very private and personal time I do a lot of reflection on my life because I am 64 and starring down retirement. I have certainly realized in these moments there have been many things that I did incorrectly. But I have also noticed when I look closely around me I have a whole hell of a lot to be thankful for and paramount to all those things is my health. Focusing on the things I am thankful for changes my perspective for the day and I am able to release and let go. Thanks your perspective on happiness!
Kirk S says
I am guilty of a couple if these. Especially having trouble letting go of a love of a lifetime. But The line that struck me most and what I am aspiring to be : The bottom line here is that an honest, loving heart is the beginning of everything that is right with this world. It’s what brings us together and keeps us together through thick and thin.
I am trying to be an honest love. I have a lot of work to do.
Thank you for the articles. It is me to find inspiration when it is needed.