“And those who were seen dancing were thought insane by those who could not hear the music.”
— Nietzsche
Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weak or broken. But to feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the characteristic of a truly alive and compassionate human being. It is not the sensitive person who is broken, it is society’s understanding that has become dysfunctional and emotionally incapacitated. There is zero shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being ‘too emotional’ or ‘complicated’ are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more thoughtful, caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your feelings, smiles and tears shine a light in this world.
Of course, that’s easier said than done, because it can be so confusing, right? … Why you get overwhelmed by run-of-the-mill tasks that others take in stride. Why you mull over slights that ought to be forgotten. Why subtleties are magnified for you and yet lost on others.
It’s like you were born missing a protective layer of skin that others seem to have.
You try to hide it. Numb it. Tune it out. But the comments still pierce your armor: “You’re overthinking things. You’re too sensitive. Toughen up!”
You’re left wondering what on earth is wrong with you.
I know, because I was in my mid-40s when I stumbled across the term ‘highly sensitive people.’ This led me to discover how delicious it feels to be one of thousands saying, “You do that? Me too!”
Since then, I’ve learned that many sensitive people feel isolated from others. They feel misunderstood and different, and they usually don’t know why. They just don’t realize that they have a simple trait that explains their confusing array of symptoms and quirks.
There’s even a scientific term for it: Sensory Processing Sensitivity. Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychotherapist and researcher, estimates that 15-20% of people have nervous systems that process stimuli intensely. They think deeply. They feel deeply (physically and emotionally). They easily become over-stimulated.
According to my research several successful historical figures were highly sensitive, such as Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King, and Steve Jobs. I see this as great news, because it means us sensitive types aren’t inherently disadvantaged.
But when we don’t realize how to handle our sensitivity, we end up pushing too hard to keep up with everyone else. We try to do what others seem to handle with ease, and try to do it better than them. And this leads to problems.
For a time, we do a first-rate job of using our natural gifts: we’re creative students, conscientious employees, and devoted family members. But when we hammer on beyond our limits, doing so can eventually take its toll. It shows up in things like unrelenting health conditions, muscle tension we can’t get rid of, and being endlessly fatigued or on edge for no good reason.
If you resonate with any of this, here are 10 actions you can take to stop struggling and start thriving:
1. Quit searching for someone or something to fix you.
Sensitivity is a temperament trait, not a medical disorder. So nothing is inherently wrong with you. Sadly, though, many certified health practitioners don’t understand this because sensory processing sensitivity is a recent area of health research.
Sure, highly sensitive people are more likely to have allergies or sensitivities to food, chemicals, medication, and so forth. And they’re more prone to overstimulation, thus quicker to feel stress — which can lead to other health issues. But sensitivity in itself is not something that needs fixing.
Successful sensitive types realize that they’re not “broken.” If your mind is exhausted from busily researching yet another solution to take away your “flaws,” know that the answers to living in harmony with your sensitive nature lie inside you.
2. Tell yourself, as often as necessary, that you are not a fraud.
Impostor syndrome isn’t exclusive to highly sensitive people. Many conscientious and high achieving people fall victim to this nagging fear. But the simmering discomfort about being found out is often constant for a sensitive person.
Why wouldn’t it be, considering you’ve spent a lifetime of feeling different from others and trying to fit in? Maybe you blame your tears on dust in your eye during that cheesy TV commercial; or you sign up for the company fun run, even though you hate running and you know you’ll feel ashamed of how long your body takes to recover. But even if you grew up displaying your sensitivity with pride, it’s unlikely you escaped the cultural pressure motivating you to disguise your real self to fit the norms.
Successful sensitive types respect that their nervous systems are wired differently from 80-85% of people. If you’re constantly thinking about who you should be but aren’t, and what you should be doing but can’t, understand that valuing your achievements and signature strengths allows you to show yourself as you truly are, more comfortably — even when you’re the odd one out.
3. Seek out kindred spirits (and know that you are NOT alone).
You probably feel different and alone. But the truth is, you’re not. Many have experienced confusion in isolation before discovering that hordes of people have some idea of what it’s like to be you. They’ve felt the surge of power that comes from being supported by like-minded souls. And they want to pay it forward.
The key whenever possible is to hang out with sensitive people who are already flourishing, or at least open to those possibilities. They understand not only how to manage their sensitivity, but also how to wield its superpowers. They know what it’s like for you to feel endlessly under siege, and they can offer firsthand experience and wisdom to help you make your sensitivities work in your favor.
Successful sensitive types appreciate and relish the strengths of sensitivity, in themselves and others. If you’re feeling unsupported or misunderstood, find a sensitively knowledgeable coach, mentor, or community who gets you … and nurture that connection.
4. Look for the hidden positivity in every situation and soak it up.
The brain is a powerful filter that molds experiences and perceptions of reality. If you think the world is a dangerous place, your brain is wired to hunt for evidence of danger. If you believe it’s a loving place, you spot more loving opportunities. What you focus on, you get more of.
As a highly sensitive person, the more negative the environment, the more you suffer. But the opposite is also true — the more positive, the more you thrive (even compared to others).
Thoughts are stimuli for your nervous system. One of the most important things a sensitive person can do is acknowledge the negative (not ignore it — because what you resist, persists), but then let it go… immerse yourself in positive thoughts and situations that make you feel good, or at least give you a soothing sense of relief.
Successful sensitive types decide to see the world brimming with opportunities to feel grateful for, and to marinate in that positive vibe. If you’re feeling at the mercy of your emotions and circumstances, understand that your thoughts (and the emotional charges they trigger) are always within your control.
5. Find new spins on old flaws.
Your gifts of sensitivity include deep reflection and an instinct to see all angles and consequences. But by being so deeply tuned in to details, you’re easily overwhelmed and exhausted by unyielding stimulation. And when you don’t understand why you feel and behave in the ways you do, it’s easy to frame these as flaws.
In truth, these “weaknesses” are simply your unmet needs and unique gifts to nourish. In reframing your past and nurturing your present, you set yourself up for success in your future.
Successful sensitive types rethink old perceptions in light of their deeper understandings of sensitivity. If you’re weighed down by the hypersensitive and neglected (even, despised) parts of yourself, seek to discover the other side of the coin … where you’ll find some of your greatest strengths: intuition, vision, conscientiousness — and the list goes on.
6. Treat yourself with compassion.
As a highly sensitive person you are deeply compassionate. So much so that putting others’ comfort and needs before your own is second nature. On top of that, you’re often your own biggest critic. You push yourself hard, and then you beat up on yourself when you miss the mark. You criticize yourself in ways you’d never dream of judging others.
Controlling your nagging inner critic is essential to self-compassion. But contrary to popular belief, you shouldn’t do so by relentlessly ignoring it. Deep thinking is one of your gifts, so why not embrace that power? Take control by hearing your thoughts without judgment (after all, there might be gems of wisdom hidden deep) and then pivoting to thoughts that trigger kinder and more loving emotions in your body. From that better-feeling place, you’re better able to choose actions to care for yourself and others.
Successful sensitive types show themselves the same loving compassion that they’re naturally good at giving others. It may feel selfish or vain at first, but it’s not. If your critical inner voice is devaluing who you are, answer back with self-kindness … this is the antidote.
7. Create healthy boundaries, not rigid emotional walls.
We live in a culture that values “take a painkiller and push on” far more than it values sensitivity. We grow up hearing: “no pain, no gain; survival of the fittest; life isn’t fair — get used to it.” We admire those who show grit to prevail over their terrible plights.
As a highly sensitive person your reflex reaction may be to freeze up or struggle to toughen up. You build walls to shield yourself from hurt … Emotional walls, such as suppressing feelings or creating dramatic turmoil to distract from the real causes of pain. Physical walls, such as piling on layers of weight to hide behind. Mental walls, such as tuning out with alcohol or drugs.
Or, you may let all your boundaries collapse at once, thereby unconsciously absorbing others’ energies and feeling devoured by unpredictable events and emotions. You try to escape the feelings by getting caught up in overthinking everything: endlessly planning and searching and analyzing, while completely losing touch with your intuition. And in the process you confuse conscientiousness with overwork, empathy with over-identification, compassion with over-tolerance. So you beat yourself up about how you know you should have better boundaries. It’s a vicious cycle.
Successful sensitive types embody gentle but firm personal boundaries. If you struggle to put your own needs first (which doesn’t come naturally to a highly sensitive person), make a conscious choice to practice the skill of saying “no” with love and grace, or carving out alone time to recharge … and decide to feel good about that.
8. Tune in to your body (to avoid seesawing between emotional extremes).
Many highly sensitive people learn to ignore the messages their bodies are sending them. They switch it off to avoid overwhelm or they tune in to others’ needs instead of their own to meet what’s expected of them. Does this sound familiar?
Doing so leaves you swinging like a pendulum. Too much, too little. Too fast, too slow. Too in, too out. Back and forth between being over-stimulated and mind-numbingly bored, dieting and then bingeing, or exercising hard and then needing several days to recover. And so on and so forth.
Successful sensitive types tune in to the physical sensations in their bodies; they accept that it’s not always comfortable, but they trust their bodies to guide them. If you have a habit of hiding from feelings or passing the point of overwhelm, learn to recognize your body’s subtle signs of overstimulation. You’ll spend less time being thrown out of balance, and more time swaying gently within your nervous system’s range of optimal arousal.
9. Design healthy habits that fit your unique needs.
Eventually, it all catches up with you. Grueling hours at work, followed by hard sweat at the gym and keeping on top of chaos around home — all fueled by crappy diets and minimal sleep or downtime. It’s an easy trap to fall into because you’re simply living the way you see most people get by on.
What’s more, some seemingly healthy habits hit hard on a sensitive nervous system — like “health” foods that are heavily processed and pumped with sugar and artificial additives, or intense exercise that’s not balanced with ample recovery time.
If you allow too much stimulation and too lousy replenishment, you run the risk of chronic illnesses (as many sensitive types have learned the hard way). At the same time, if you overprotect yourself, your genius goes unexpressed, and that also can lead to stress and ill health.
Successful sensitive types practice habits that truly nourish them. If you struggle with energy or well-being issues, prioritize habits that nurture these areas of your life (such as more sleep and alone time), and limit those that over-stimulate or drain you (such as too many high pressures activities — even if they are so-called healthy).
10. Stop smothering your sensitivity.
After a lifetime of being bombarded by stimuli, it becomes second nature to push sensitivity out of the conscious awareness. Tuning out from relentless sensations, for example, so you can pretend you don’t give a darn. Toning down intense feelings (good and bad) so you aren’t on a roller coaster. Suppressing emotions to get a break from feeling anything at all.
This self-protective mechanism might fool your conscious mind, but it doesn’t fool your sensitive body. This oozes into your health, your relationships, your career, every aspect of your life … or, it builds tension inside until something has to give.
Successful sensitive types let go of the grasp for control. When you free the energy used to hold yourself tight, you free the gifts of sensitivity that have been lost to you: empathy, creativity, and heightened joy, to name a few. And you allow your true potential to blossom.
Closing Thoughts
As you’re working through the tips above, keep in mind that the key to thriving as a highly sensitive person, more than anything else, is to recognize that it’s perfectly OK to be sensitive — with its challenges and strengths.
Use your deep-thinking mind to recognize hidden understandings, and deliberately refocus on positivity and possibilities.
Use your deep-feeling body to tune in your emotions and sensations, and stay within your optimal range of arousal as often as possible.
Use your heightened awareness to dance to whatever beat you darn well please, even if that seems odd to a lot of people.
Because somewhere, others are dancing with you.
Your turn…
What are you sensitive about? What’s something you do that helps you thrive as a sensitive person? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.
Photo by: Ben Raynal
Amandah says
I am not sure if I’m actually highly sensitive, but I do know that there are many emotions I feel much more intensely than others. It’s one of the reasons I love your blog and book. Your words always have a way of making be feel included, as opposed to excluded. As for what helps me, my refuge from too much stimulation is running water – like listening to a river or stream… or, again, the quiet words of a good blog or book.
Thank you.
Mely Brown says
Thanks Amandah! In the free e-book that my bio links to (The 4 Areas of Self-Care for HSP) I mention the 4 characteristics of sensitivity that research has found. But in my experience, it boils down to 2 overarching themes – emotional sensitivity and physical sensitivity. People can have one or the other, or both.
It sounds like you’ve found a wonderful refuge when stimulation gets to be too much — nature is a beautiful way to discharge and reconnect. And water, oh my! Thanks for posting.
Wes says
I’m truly thankful to have read this article about highly sensitive people. I am one of them. Growing up I always felt a little different. For example, crowds of people just overwhelmed me, simple things that most people coped well with, I just found so stressful. The little things hurt. I was and still am shy but belong to a group of friends now. My closest friends tell me I’m not shy at all. So reading this article just made a lot of sense to me and has helped me better appreciate my sensitivity. I understand myself a little more now. I’m not weird; I just have heightened sensitivity than the average person. Thank you so much.
Erin says
So funny you say that about shyness… I have always identified myself as being shy, but like you, my closest friends laugh at me when I say it and tell me I’m not shy at all!
Mely Brown says
So true, Erin! It’s great you’ve got friends like that, who really know you. The other one I’ve had (and my sensitive friends have too) is people saying they used to think I was snobby or aloof until they got to know me. Then they realized it was shyness. And then they understood that it was emotional and physical sensitivity. It’s so good to finally be understood! 🙂
Amanda Dansby says
It’s actually something I get from my friends all the time too, but I know that I normally put on an “I don’t care attitude” to try to suppress how strongly I feel things. I like that you view it as heightened sensitivity because now I feel like I’m not weird at all. I just have really cool super powers.
Mely Brown says
Gosh Wes, yes! I totally resonate. And not just me – if I could have penny for every time I hear someone say “I always felt different” but often not realizing there’s a trait that explains it. Dr Aron’s research on sensitivity has helped so many of us to understand ourselves better. You have so many amazing gifts, and it’s wonderful you have a group of supportive friends who can recognize those in you and who really know you.
Mely Brown says
Amanda, that’s awesome to see it as your really cool heightened super powers! Yes. I love it!! Thanks for posting.
Mara says
I’m a highly sensitive, deep thinking, multi-layered person who has always been told I’m overly sensitive. I’m a giver, a listener and I care deeply for those around me. I also value my privacy immensely and often want to stay alone in my home, because lots of social situations overwhelm me. I take things to heart and sometimes have little balance in emotional situations, so will take it to an extreme. With that said, these tips help me. I truly appreciate you for putting this post together.
Emma says
I feel the same way you do; except I don’t have a group of friends I can go to. I don’t know who to trust anymore.
Mely Brown says
Emma, I feel for you – when you give openly to others and then knocked down, over time it gets harder to know who to trust anymore. Often it’s just people innocently not realizing we process things differently. But also, narcissists seem to be attracted to HSPs like bees to honey.
What I’ve found helpful was joining a local meetup group of HSPs. It was a bit scary to join, but actually every meeting has been a gentle, relaxed gathering of kind and like-minded souls. It’s good to be around people who understand what it’s like to be you.
Mely Brown says
Mara, we hear that often, don’t we? “You’re being overly sensitive”. I used to take it to heart (and it still stings sometimes) but now I think “overly” by whose standards? It helps to have the bigger perspective. You have amazing gifts in the way you care deeply for those around you. I adore the quiet sanctuary of home too – although sometimes I go to the extreme of withdrawing for too long, and need to find balance for my nervous system by getting out more. It’s always a balancing act, but it’s great to balance on your own terms. 🙂
Lucy Chen says
I am a very sensitive person, and it took me years and years to accept this quality of me. I used to deny it and numb it for the reasons you said at the beginning of the post – I didn’t want to see myself, and have others see me, as weak.
I’ve been on an incredible journey over the last year after hitting rock bottom by cutting myself. Since then, I’ve spent time and effort in reconnecting with myself. I did some writing. I read some good books such as “Man’s Search for Meaning”.
And one of the best things I did was painting self portraits. When you spend a few hours with yourself in solitude, and there’s nothing between the you in the mirror and the canvas, but yourself, it’s very healing and meditative. I’ve learned to tune into my sensitivity and embrace it 🙂
Ren Bell says
Thanks for sharing, Lucy. Hugs!!
Mely Brown says
🙂 If there was a Like button I would’ve hit it. What a beautiful, supportive group of people here — hugs to you too, Ren.
Mely Brown says
Lucy, I’m sorry to hear of your rock bottom, and I’m so glad you’ve found a way back up the spiral. You’re so right, reconnecting is the essence of it all. Reconnecting to ourselves, so we can express our gifts freely without draining us or making us want to hide. Self-portraits sounds a beautiful healing journey. And I haven’t read that book – thanks for mentioning it. Hugs to you.
Camille Scielzi says
I finally started accepting the sensitivity as a gift as it is useful in my line of work. I also stopped apologizing to others for traits they found unsavory or bullied me for.
Mely Brown says
Camille, I LOVE that you see the usefulness for your line of work. That’s awesome. No guilt – and no apologies for your traits! So powerful. Thanks for sharing.
Heitem Ak says
Nice one!
I like the ” Look for the hidden positivity in every situation and soak it up.”
It’s so true, every situation has positivity and negativity, but what we make out of it is the most important!
Keep them coming,
Heitem Ak
Mely Brown says
Thanks Heitem Ak. You’re so right – every situation has both, and it’s what we make out of it. It makes a huge difference to see the negative stuff as Contrast that’s actually helpful in pointing us in the positive direction we want to be, so we can soak up those positive aspects. As they say, we can’t know (and appreciate) the light without knowing the dark. Nice!
mohammed says
Thank you so much for this article. I am going through all the feeling MARA mentioned.Thank you for your post.This morning just opened your blog and start reading this wonderful article, this is completely says about me , i am going through all kind of emotional things, i love deep ,care deep feel deep , think deep, i felt so bad myself why i am so different, why i cant feel,love as normal person. i understand why isolated, so hurtful thing is even my family seeing me different.
But i took this chance to become more independent and more connection with me, not expecting love ,care from anyone. all i am doing is just showing my care and love to them and it felt good.
thank you so much for the tips on right time:)
Mely Brown says
Mohammed, what a difference the world would be if more parents (and siblings) understood what the HSP trait is, and how to support that. I’m happy the article spoke to you on a deep level. It’s wonderful that you’ve already found a way to share your caring and love without expectations, and feel good about that. What you sends out comes back, so I hope that plenty of caring returns to you. 🙂
Carrie says
Since childhood, I’ve been a highly sensitive person. My mom was the same way. It didn’t take much for my feelings to get hurt. As I get older, I’m learning to embrace my sensitivity, but one of the things I have a hard time with is putting myself first. I’ve always been a people pleaser. Working on this, though. Thank you for the insightful article.
Mely Brown says
Carrie, what a great point – yes, the trait of HSP is genetic and we’re born with it. The research suggests that sensitivity gets more noticeable again as we get older (we don’t get away with numbing it or tuning it out, like we might have gotten away with it in our young adulthood) – so it’s great you’re learning to embrace your sensitivity. I totally resonate with the challenge to put ourselves first (making that time, without the guilt) because we care about and want to please others. It’s exactly what I teach sensitive women in my self-care programs, and yet I still have days when I struggle with this myself – as they say, life’s a journey, it’s not always a tick-the-lesson-off-the-list. 🙂
Alison says
Everything you wrote struck a chord with me and, whilst being highly sensitive can be very painful emotionally on occasion, you notice more about life and other people. Has it been tough, yes, it has, but I wouldn’t change anything. I would far rather be tuned into life and people than miss out, I really would
Mely Brown says
Alison, that is beautiful. I’m so glad it resonated, and that you’re already tuned in with wonderful parts of your sensitivity. The fact that you wouldn’t change a thing speaks volumes. Thanks for sharing!
Arpita says
I had come across this word ‘HSP’ some time ago and the more I read about it, more I knew about me. And this article pits across the finer points very succinctly.
However, I have a question, should I tell my life partner that I am a HSP or not.
Would telling him help me or would it hamper ?
Thanks
Mary says
I am highly over sensitive and take so much to heart. Always have being the last sibling in a large family. It took me years to realize that the only opinion of me that counts is my own. If I love myself others will love me as well. Confidence is a positive thing. To meditate or simply have time for myself daily is my way to recharge as I have a tendency to care more about others needs before my own and that can be overwhelming emotionally sometimes.
Mely Brown says
Mary, it’s wonderful you’ve already come to a place of confidence of knowing that yours is the opinion that counts. I know for me (and many deep-thinking sensitive women) that this can be something we get intellectually, but really stepping into that energy of confidence and owning it is another matter. It’s fantastic you have that and you have your ways to recharge. Much blessings.
nickolas says
Wow point 5 describes me perfectly. I was always told i was too sensitive as a kid but i always took it as a compliment as it meant i was somehow in touch with something i knew but couldnt see. I deal with it in this crazy world merely by making sure i create the right space and environment around me. Oftentimes people think im weird as im not conventional but im being honest to myself and people come to understand and appreciate that. Congratulations you guys for opening up a great topic. I no longer feel so alone!
Mely Brown says
Nickolas, how awesome that you’ve always (even from an early age) took it as a compliment. I love that. It’s true, not every sensitive person struggles to own their gifts and to be unconventional and true to themselves.
For many of us, especially in childhood, we try to be more like others and wonder if there’s something wrong with us – and we need to learn how to create the right beliefs and space and environment around us. It’s great you’ve gravitated to that naturally.
Pedro says
Thanks for such a good article, I wish I read many years ago! In the past, what I couldn´t understand was why everything affected me so much. It was really hard to face that problem and I saw this weakness as a painful and difficult challenge to achieve.
Now, I love myself. And for me, the key to success is self respect.
Mely Brown says
Oh yes, I feel the same Pedro! I wish I’d known about HSP a long time ago, and I’m grateful to know it about it now. That A-ha understanding makes a huge difference in moving forward positively and seeing the strengths instead of weaknesses – it’s like half the battle won. It’s fantastic that you have self-love now and respect for yourself and your sensitivity. You’re absolutely right – self-respect is key. Thanks for posting.
Emily says
I’m 41 years old and finally taking the time to to figuring myself out. I can relate to Mara’s post, it’s nice to know that we are not alone in these feelings. I have kept busy my whole life trying to fit in, make a perfect life in an imperfect world. I would feel guilty for my own downtime and make excuses to stay home. I was ignoring my body’s signals and suffered from chronic neck pain, anxiety and depression. I was a photographer for 10 years with an inability to take a compliment but any critique I would take straight to heart allowing it to debilitate me. Realizing this, I took a different job with less pressure, I started taking better care of myself, meditating and seeing a therapist. I am working on letting go of the past, accept who I am and embrace my highly sensitive side.
Mely Brown says
I totally relate to that, Emily – it’s so affirming to realize that we’re not alone in these feelings and experiences. Busy-ness has been my nemesis too, my way of avoiding being present with uncomfortable feelings and imperfect situations. And like you, it led to ignoring my body’s signals and then health issues. It’s great that you’re in a job now where you can take the pressure off and take better care for yourself. Best wishes in embracing your sensitive side, you’re in for more wonderful things ahead. 🙂
Deanna Ruppert says
I am a highly sensitive mother of 6 teens, four of them adopted. My greatest challenge is “feeling” their struggles too deeply, which can leave me feeling overwhelmed and with nothing left for me…especially when multiple kids are grappling with tough issues ( which is often). I have learned that exercise and nature are my rechargers, especially when experienced alone. With full support of my loving husband, I bought myself a little camper so that I can take my dog into the mountains with me to stay near a stream for a day or two to focus on me without the chaos of my daily life. It makes my heart sing to be away, then return home refreshed!
Mely Brown says
Deena, wow, 6 teens. I can only imagine how challenging that can be, especially when you’re feeling the energy of their struggles that pile on top of your own. It’s draining to give until the tank is empty and there’s nothing left for you (that bit, I understand!). It’s wonderful that you have a loving husband who gives you full support. And that you honor your needs with time out to recharge – nature is a fantastic reviver and healer. I can’t even begin to express how totally IN LOVE I am with the idea of a wee camper alone in nature with the dog. Keep your heart singing!
Margo says
Thanks for the interesting thoughts. Along similar lines is the book Quiet
by Susan Cain. Many similar thoughts are talked about in this book on introverts. Just understanding our (sensitive/introverted) different nature makes a world of difference.
Mely Brown says
Hi Margo. That’s so interesting! Dr Elaine Aron, who did the initial research into HSP, has said that she feels Susan’s book is more about HSPs than it is about social introverts. There’s a lot of blurred overlap.
Around 30% of HSPs are extraverts, and some (both introverts and extraverts) are also high sensation seeking – which is like living with one foot on the brake and the other the gas. I’m an introvert so that’s probably why many of my insights are along the same lines as Susan. You’re so right – just understanding our different nature makes a world of difference. 🙂
Dave says
I recently left a good paying, very hostile, negative job environment. In my mid-50’s, educated and jobless for the moment, my persistent self criticism is rooted in past career decisions. Fear of the unknown is the underlying emotional predator around my current status and after digesting your points 5 and 6, I will use these as a support for my internal babble. Thank you for sharing M & A.
Mely Brown says
Dave, it’s good that you’re out of the very hostile negative environment. It’s more harmful for a sensitive person than for most. And the opposite is true – the more positive your environment the more you thrive. We can help create that positive environment from within, by acknowledging the persistent self-criticism (which usually runs on autopilot – so it’s great that you’ve consciously recognized it) and then treating your internal babble in the loving but firm way that you’d guide a 2-year old who doesn’t know any better. The sensitive brain is wired to consider all angles, and where there’s uncertainty there can be fear for a sensitive mind. Be kind to yourself as you move through this, self-kindness makes a world of difference. Good luck for going forward from here.
Beverly says
Wow! This opened my eyes. I’ve never thought of myself as sensitive. Shy, introverted, anti-social, thin skinned, high maintenance–yes. But not sensitive. I can’t describe how my spirit identified with this article–practically stood up and cheered to finally feel understood. Thank you!
Mely Brown says
Ohhh, Beverly, huge hugs! I’m cheering you too. It’s an amazing feeling to draw those links. I’m so glad you feel understood — you’re in plenty of good company here.
Lynne says
Thank you. I could have written this. Every. Single. Word. I have recently discovered the ‘term’ for myself and am on a true path of self-discovery and acceptance. It’s rocky, but I’m on it. I feel so relieved and blessed to know that I am NOT alone, or a freak, or a wimp. I have been fighting this battle for a long time. Now I know it’s not a fight, but a journey. God led me to this site for a reason.
Mely Brown says
Lynne, thank you! I’m so glad it resonated deeply. I know how it feels to finally discover this term, and put things into a new understanding. You brought tears to my eyes when you said you’ve been fighting a battle for a long time and now you know it’s not a fight, but a journey. Yes. Yes. Yes. It’s wonderful that you’re on your path of self-discovery and acceptance of your sensitive strengths. There are always rocks along the way, I guess that’s part of what keeps us on the path. 😉 Blessings to you.
Chandler | Jersey's Free Spirit says
I am absolutely a highly sensitive person. This article is really beautiful. It is something that I needed to read even though these are the words that I could have written myself. I love reading something that so clearly expresses my feelings about something. Thank you for sharing!
Mely Brown says
Chandler, I’m so happy this resonates. It’s affirming to know that we’re not alone and that there are others out there thriving in their sensitivity. Thanks for posting!
Akanksha Srivastava says
Thank you so much for wonderful articles…
I am really very sensitive person. And some time feel very discomfort about it..
sometimes feel may b being sensitive is a crime. .
bt after ready ur this article I feel it’s not a crime it’s a blessing from God..
Thank you friends. .
Mely Brown says
Hi Akanksha. That’s so true. Actually, it’s not just humans that are highly sensitive, it’s also 15-20% of many species of animal. Sensitivity has a purpose in enabling survival of the entire tribe – sensitive animals stay alert and sense danger and warn the others. If it weren’t for sensitivity, the tribe wouldn’t survive. It’s a blessing from God for many parts of nature. I’m happy the article has helped you.
bev says
It is so overwhelmingly refreshing to read or “hear” about other people like myself. I can relate to all of this article, especially about the part about being teased, tormented, or bullied my entire life by older siblings who thought I was their toy or anyone else who perceived me as weak-spirited. This lasted throughout adulthood, and I just couldn’t understand what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t fight back, as I was told to do. Now, in my declining years, it’s so liberating to know others who feel like this. I’m learning now to enjoy my trait, be proud of it, and learning how to give special care and attention to myself (spa day!). I’m also very selective about my company and my environment (home). So happy to finally feel free. Thank you from the bottom on my sensitive heart.
Mely Brown says
Bev, you’re so right, it’s freeing to be connected with others who feel like this. Especially when you’ve been surrounded by those who tease or bully you. I’m so glad you’ve read this, and it’s wonderful that you’re enjoying and feeling proud of your trait. And nurturing too (spa day sounds fabulous!). Enjoy. 🙂
david says
Mara spoke for me as well. I love my solitude, I am creative and I have worked “within” for years and years. My job is actually to help others heal from abuse and trauma of various kinds. Even after how I work on self-development knowing that the world has many different styles of people and that’s great and fine, sadly I still live with a boisterous family that loudly shames and misunderstands me. My inner peace is taken as wimpiness, if that’s a word. I don’t have the energy for divorce, fighting, and tons of legal papers.
Mely Brown says
Hi David. It’s awesome that you have a job and a way of being that helps others heal. It’s such a shame when our families aren’t understanding of sensitivity, or if they’re not ready to hear of it in their own journeys. Your inner peace is such a beautiful strength. Best wishes!
Marianne says
Like the others I have a HSP. Higly Sensitive Personality. It is very very difficult to live in today’s society being as such. My ex divorced me after 30 years in part due to this. He is a hard butt. He pooh poohs me when I bring up having a HSP but sees it and even comments on the traits! Nonetheless, I resonate with all you’ve written. Not surprising you do what you do Angel if you’re this way! I’m always wondering why I take things so hard & yes it started as a child. I would love to find a group of like people, but where? There are so few and no groups I know about. I was referred by my ex no less to Emotions Anonymous but do not feel it is the same? Thanks for posting and the reading material referenced.
Mely Brown says
Marianne, it’s so rewarding to find a group of similar people to connect with. Especially those who are confident in their sensitivity, or at least who are positively focused and sharing. There are many Facebook groups for HSPs. Would you find that helpful? I found some of them to be quite overwhelming, but that might not be your experience. There are also Meetup groups for sensitive people. Is that any option for you? There wasn’t one where I live, so I started one and convinced a friend to come along so I wouldn’t be the only member. We just meet for coffee and a chat, no pressure. Now we have many members and we’re the nicest bunch of people I know! 🙂 Best of luck. It definitely helps to have supportive kind souls in your life.
Theresa St.Croix-Duval says
Thank you for great article. I am just like what is written in this article. I’m not understood by people .
Mely Brown says
Thanks Theresa! It definitely helps to know we’re not alone. 🙂
Stella says
Boundaries…what are those again? Rigid walls or none at all has been my pattern. I am a work in progress. You see, for me, the pressure comes from inside. I love people. I love life. I love full-on living, and then… then…. I am suddenly weary.
Over the years I have taught myself the dance of balance. How to be truly alive in this wonderful world with my thin-skinned way of knowing things; with my tumble-down sensitive heart. How to stay up late -just enough- so that I do not miss the starlight dancing on water, but also how to say no to a world that wants to keep me up late every night. I’ve learned that some mornings I need to get up before dawn to swim in a silent lake, alone in the water with only my dog for company. And I’ve learned that some nights I need to howl at the full moon with a crowd of happy people around me-grateful for the joy of companionship. Balance. I am a work in progress.
Thank you for what you give. Thank you for this article.
kat0578 says
I appreciate your experiences very much. I am the same in that things are very black or white, good or bad, in or out. I’ve never been good at finding the middle ground, forgiving an injury, or creating healthy functional boundaries. And now I find myself very much isolated and alone. I struggle with this, because I actually don’t mind being this way but a voice in my head keeps saying I need to change and have some connections or relationships in my life, besides my loving and faithful dog. For now though, I’m happy in my isolation and feeling less sadness that ever before so this tells me that perhaps I’m just cocooning as I transition my life towards something better.
Mely Brown says
I totally resonate with that Kat. Dr Elaine Aron talks about the importance of spending as much time as possible within your nervous system’s range of optimal stimulation. Not too much and overwhelmed or anxious. But also, not too little and bored or withdrawn or depressed. Finding that balance that’s right for you.
I know after my health burnout, I needed a lot of time alone to cocoon and build energy for the transition back to good health. Cocooning is a lovely word! After a while, the isolation swung the other way and it was time to reconnect outwards again. It’s like the dance that Stella mentioned — and only you know where you are in your journey and what’s the best dance for you. It’s awesome you have a faithful loving dog to share your space with.
Alexis Swearingen says
Beautifully said Stella. This describes me to a T.
Amanda Dansby says
I definitely feel the same way. I’m either all in or totally gone. There’s no in between with me, and because I am so attuned to my senses (HSP) sometimes I feel I need a break from my own emotions. However, I am learning to balance my life out and definitely think it’s time for me to bring down some emotional walls that I’ve had up for way to long with the hopes of not getting hurt because they are hindering me from more life experiences.
Mely Brown says
Oh Stella, you made me laugh! Yes, what are those again? For me, if I’m not tuning in I seesaw like you said, a pattern of rigid walls or not at all. You sound like you might possibly be an extravert HSP (up to 30% are) and maybe even high sensation seeking as well as HSP? Which is like living with one foot on the brake and the other on the gas, and when out of balance is like spinning wheels or being full-on and then collapsing with weariness. Maybe that resonates?
I adore that you’ve found the dance of balance and aliveness. You’re right, it IS a dance! Just enough to nourish the soul. You have a beautiful way of putting it into words, with your image of dancing in water alone and then howling at the full moon in a happy crowd. I’m inspired! Thank you.
Linda says
Count me in the HSP club! Odors (perfumes!), heat, cold, the aesthetics of my surroundings (a “bad” table in a restaurant literally ruins the meal for me), the colors and decor of my home, the colors of my wardrobe (angst over “summer” vs. “spring” to flatter me best!), exhaustion from being in crowds due to over-stimulation….I could go on and on! My sweet husband of 35 years doesn’t just tolerate me but embraces my sensitivity as an endearing strength….lucky me! I have only recently been able to see it as a positive quality, but now I really do. When I am struggling with overthinking or the bad “karma” of certain aesthetics, it really helps to laugh about it and see it as my “curse”! Also, feeling grateful and keeping a positive frame of mind is great for us sensitive folks (as well as everyone else)! Thanks for your insights….I have been immensely blessed by them!
Ann says
Linda, I identify completely. So relieved to finally understand. I am also over stimulated by scents and many things in my environment such as your reference to the dining event. I am 62 and have always been treated as mentally ill, been hospitalized several times and was in therapy for years when I was younger. I am an outcast in my family. At 27 I finally had the sense to walk away from all that drama. Yet, I have often secretly wondered if there was something wrong with me. I can get easily over stimulated by my surroundings or piles of ordinary chores and tend to just shut down. I have often felt selfish when I don’t participate in charitable activities, but I find myself over identifying with people’s problems to the point that I can’t cope. My husband tends to get frustrated with me when I reach my “I have to go now” point. When I reflect, I wonder if my now deceased father, wasn’t the same way. He would frequently cry over television commercials or other programs, whether happy or sad. Funny, it never failed, if we were watching a Miss America show always cried when they announced the winner. The rest of my family made fun of him, but I’m the same way. Angel/Marc – thank you for letting me know I am okay. I hope my husband reads this today. Now I know how to better understand/protect myself.
Mely Brown says
Ann, it’s fantastic (and most certainly not selfish) that you can recognize your “I have to go now” point and are able to honor your needs, so that you don’t get overstimulated and shut down. Many folk don’t realize that it’s your ability to do that, that enables you to be there for them and support them in the way you do. It’s awesome that you’re tuned in in that way. I’m really proud of you. I aspire to tune in that point more often, as or before it happens.
Mely Brown says
Linda, you’re speaking my language! Especially smells. I love that you can laugh about aspects of your sensitivity and lighten the vibe. Very healing.
What a wonderful husband you have. Isn’t it interesting how others, like your husband, can see the strengths in us more quickly and easily than we often do in ourselves? He’s a keeper – but after 35 years, you obviously know that. 😉 You’re so right – gratitude is powerful.
Another Mary says
I can relate to so much in your article and in the comments posted. I’ve know I was a HSP since I picked up one of Elaine Aron’s books several years ago. Now in my mid 50’s, children grown and divorced, I have felt even more isolated and alone than ever before. It’s good to know I’m not alone and that there are people like me out there!
I’m wondering id there’s some kind of forum or support group for people like us?
Thank you so much for sharing this <3
Mely Brown says
Mary, that’s a big change. But you’re definitely not alone! As overwhelming as this busy technological age can be, one huge benefit is being able to connect with other people who know what it’s like to feel in this way. There are a lot of Facebook groups for HSPs for support and understanding. Some seem to attract positively-focused people more than others. I found many FB groups quite overwhelming but that might not be your experience. There are also Meetup groups for sensitive people. Is that any option near where you live? There wasn’t one near me, so I started one and convinced a friend to come along so I wouldn’t be the only member. It’s no pressure, very casual, just meeting for coffee and a chat. It was my way of meeting like-minded gentle souls. Now we have many members and I look forward to our coffees, we’re the nicest bunch of people I know. 🙂 Good luck in finding the perfect support for you.
kat0578 says
I can absolutely relate. Even going back to childhood I remember crumbling from a stern look and being quite anxious. My mother telling me things like “don’t be so sensitive” “toughen up” or “no one likes a cry baby”. Only recently (reaching my mid 40’s) I was able to connect this to my adult life. Bosses, friends, family telling me to grow thicker skin. Just this week I was re telling my experience at an outreach event for a shelter I volunteer for and how rude and hurtful my event partner had been when my BF repeated those same “get over it and toughen up” speeches. My entire life I feel like I’ve been told to sensor myself and that I am somehow flawed, too needy, too sensitive, too much. I don’t think so, if having to accept rudeness, dishonesty, bad behavior as a normal and acceptable way to behave then no thanks. I would like to have more control over my reactions though because I do have to find a way to be in this world and not feel compleatly depleated every time I leave my home. As I get older I find it more and more difficult, to the point that I rarely leave my house. All the tension, anger, negativity, selfishness I encounter just trying to park my car at the market exhausts me and makes my heart incredibly sad. I’m glad I’m learning I am not alone and that there is NOTHING wrong with me, I’m different and happy for it. Better to be highly sensitive, I think, than to be insensitive and uncaring.
Andrea says
I am also in my mid 40’s and have heard all of these things. I can totally relate. I loved this article. I almost feel “normal” now.
Mely Brown says
Andrea, haha, yes — when we know we’re not alone in feeling this way, we have a new definition of ‘normal’. 🙂 I’m really glad you could relate to the article. Thanks for posting!
Susan says
Exactly. I relate to what you have said so much. I guess it is a relief to know that others feel like I do. It can be isolating to feel everything so acutely can’t it.
Mely Brown says
Susan, definitely. It seems less isolating, even simply to recognize there’s that connection of others feeling like you do. And it’s so helpful to hear of others who feel acutely and the ways that they tune in to the positive aspects of that. Inspiring and soothing at the same time.
Mely Brown says
Kat – yes – the old “no-one likes a cry baby”. I bet many of us have heard that one! I can relate to having spent a lot of time censoring myself and feeling flawed. Which ironically, is part of what depletes us, all that energy we spend holding ourselves together. What helped me to be in the world more, was finding ways to let things flow through me and out the other side, bye bye, instead of putting on a barrier of heavy armor to brave it and then having energetic darts sticking in the armor for a long time afterwards. I don’t know if that resonates for you, but learning that made the difference in getting my health back after I burned out. I love how you put it – it’s definitely better to be sensitive than insensitive and uncaring.
Tara says
There has been a point in every romantic relationship I’ve had where I am told that I am overly emotional, too sensitive, over think things. And it has always become an issue for my partner. I feel as though I have better control over my sensitivity than I have in the past, because I have acknowledged this trait and accepted it. I love how strongly I feel the good things in life! I love going on hikes and traveling and feeling my eyes well up with tears because of the shear gratitude that I feel for the experience I’m having! I agree with Arpita above and have also wondered whether this is something that should be explained to a partner. I think you should! Because I think you have a lot to be proud of with this trait! How cool is it that we get to see and experience beautiful things and beautiful feelings at a higher degree!?! We can learn how to handle the sensitivity to the negative and bask in the sensitivity to the positive!! I wouldn’t give up this trait for anything or anyone! All the best to all you highly sensitive beautiful humans!!
Susan says
I’m like that too. I’ve always thought that being able to “feel” was a gift 🙂
Mely Brown says
Hi Tara. That’s a beautiful way to put it — acknowledging and accepting the trait is what gives you more control over it (rather than “trying to control it” by suppressing it or pushing it away) and it allows you to bask in those amazing positive experiences.
That you wouldn’t give up this trait for anything speaks volumes. And of course, as you send that positive energy and acceptance out, it’s bound to attract the type of people who adore those positive qualities in you too. Thanks for sharing.
Ifeoma says
Thanks for your blog, it always have a way of lifting me when am down. Am very highly sensitive person, especially when it comes to relationship issue… i go deep in my thoughts and feelings and always stuck in them, most times i feel am harden in heart to let go my feelings but i can’t. Thanks for this edification message.
Susan says
Yes I feel the same way xx
Mely Brown says
Hi Ifeoma. I glad the article is uplifting. It’s really easy for sensitive people to get stuck in our thoughts and feelings, because we think and feel so deeply – and most of us aren’t taught how to allow our emotions process efficiently and fully. Or worse, we learn that it’s not acceptable to feel so sensitively and we try to suppress it or toughen ourselves and our hearts. Which keeps it stuck. I hope these tips help and keep uplifting you. Thanks for posting.
Melissa says
Many INFJs here. Time for a post Marc and Angel 🙂
Mely Brown says
Totally! 🙂
Susan says
Thank you so much. I am struggling with these issues on a daily basis. You just painted my world in every colour that exists there. I know to experience joy and break out of the incredibly uncomfortable mental , emotional and physical space this way of living produces will take some deliberate and conscious changes. One step at a time. The alternative is a life of overwhelm and exhaustion I didn’t really realise “I” am creating for myself. Imagine what could be possible with freedom in this area.
Mely Brown says
Susan, so true. One step at a time, deliberately and consciously, and oozing with self-kindness. Our nervous systems are sensitive to subtle stimuli, which means that subtle positive changes can have profound effects too. It doesn’t need to be mammoth efforts to “fix” our lives, but the small deliberate and conscious changes in the right direction. Like the plane that spends most of its time course-correcting but eventually gets there. I adore how you put it – what else could possible? It’s amazing to open to those positive possibilities. Hugs to you.
Alexis Swearingen says
This article resonates so deeply with me right now. I really struggle with finding a support group. My whole life I have been surrounded by family or romantic partners I mistakenly picked that were very critical of my sensitive nature or unaware of their own. It is nice to be reminded that us sensitive souls do have a lot of redeeming qualities. It seems the world often frowns upon our character traits when we do have so much to offer. I feel the important thing for me is to really take the time to check in with myself, know myself, and work on loving accepting and loving myself just the way I was created while at the same time trying to work on balance. I am so grateful to hear all of the above comments to know I am not alone. 🙂 Thank you!
SAnne Briggs says
This post makes me wonder if you are READING my mind!! I highly resonate with the entire article! Thanks SO MUCH for posting something concrete, which we SENSITIVES can apply in our everyday lives! I must note here, that although finding a healthy balance in life can be tricky, NO ONE ELSE is able to see JOY in the smallest wonders of living than a successfully functioning sensitive person! MY BEST to all your readers, who see themselves in this post!! BLESSINGS!!
Mely Brown says
I love that it resonated so much for you! And as you say, how a successfully functioning sensitive person can tap into joy in the smallest of things – that’s fantastic. Much blessings to you and all, too.
Mely Brown says
Alexis, you made a great point about some sensitive people being unaware of their own sensitive nature, which can show up in all sort of unpleasant ways (in my experience, it was others numbing their own sensitivity with alcohol or lashing out with bullying). You’re so right – we have many redeeming qualities, and we’re not alone. It sounds like you’re already well on track, with checking in and honoring yourself and finding your balance. It’s great to connect with others who “get” us.
Kate Jarrett says
I am truly greatful for the words of this blog today!!! I have been reading your incredible insights for about a year now and this one really hit home and have decided to reply for the first time. ?
I’ve been told I am ‘too sensitive’ by most of my partners for some time now and thought it was always something I needed to change to find someone who would want to stick around. After reading this blog I am now certain that it is not me that has to do the changing and that I should be embracing my sensitive side.
My Dad put it all into perspective so susinctly recently when he said ” you have always brought the right things to a relationship, you just haven’t met person bringing the same qualities as you”.
I am single at present and the happiest I’ve been in a long while as I am rediscovering myself and loving me for me.
I have found daily meditation to be so beneficial not only for stabilizing my sensitivities but to show gratitude for all the wonderful things/people in my life. The rest flows naturally.
Thank you Marc & Angel, you have saved me over and over again. Xxxxx
Mely Brown says
Kate, thanks for posting! It’s all the more special, being your first time to reply. Your father is very smart. And you too, for taking it on board and rediscovering yourself and loving you for being you. Dr Elaine Aron has written a book called The Highly Sensitive Person In Love. It has loads of tips on supporting your sensitive self and being you in relationships. You’re so right — the inner work and gratitude allows the rest to flow naturally. Wishing you all the best.
Mely Brown says
Thanks everyone — it’s wonderful to read the engaging comments! It’s so great that this resonates.
If you tried to get the free e-book mentioned in my author bio (The 4 Areas of Self-Care for Highly Sensitive People) and the optin link didn’t work for you, it’s all fixed now — try again. Sorry about the gremlin.
Leslie says
I’m definitely an HSP, but as a child my father was a rageaholic and when he yelled I had to learn to block it out – I did so much blocking out between his anger and my mother’s controlling criticisms that I became numb and I think remain so to this day, many decades later.
Mely Brown says
Leslie, yes, I totally resonate with that. I too grew up as a master at blocking and numbing, to the point of barely feeling anything at all – and eventually health problems started. Because our minds might tell us we’re barely feeling at all, but our sensitive neurology is still processing the stimuli intensely. It was certainly journey to go from being numb to re-tuning in to the subtlest signals from the body, but worth it. Thanks for sharing.
Ria T says
This was so profound for me that it brought me to tears. Being such a sensitive person all my life has meant that so many of my decisions were affected. I read and re-read your words in order for it to sink into my brain. I am so grateful to have received this opportunity – because I feel that it has opened so many areas for me to heal and accept who I am. I have been trying to keep up with my ‘other’ self in order to be accepted in society. This has been SO exhausting. I am going to accept and embrace my sensitivity. I now see it for the greatness that it can be. For those of you out there who struggle with being sensitive – I’d like to say, I thought I was the only ‘weird’ one – and to know that you guys are similar makes me feel good and you should feel good too. We are destined for greatness – let’s open ourselves to what we are so very capable of achieving. Thank you, Angel for your life-changing words. You certainly have done that for me – changed my life. Today, for the 1st time in years, I felt a mountain lift off my shoulders. I am looking forward to being my successful sensitive self.
Mely Brown says
Ria, that’s true. It’s exhausting to try to keep up with others and our own high expectations of ourselves, with being so conscientious as sensitive people. I love that you can feel the lifting of that weight off your shoulders, and the areas opening up into healing and acceptance. You are so right – sensitive souls are destined for greatness when we open ourselves to what we’re capable of achieving. Blessings to you.
Jacquelyn Dickie says
Oh, my goodness! As I read this article and all of the comments I was nodding my head over and over. Yes! Yes! That’s me! Growing up my mother constantly berated me for being too sensitive, thin-skinned, etc., telling me over and over to do things that I just could not do; to be someone I was not. I came to believe that I was just “wrong”. In my teens I fell into a deep anger that lasted for many years. I think I was angry at not being truly known or understood; at having all of my thoughts and fears belittled. Finally, after my mother passed away I went to a therapist for a while to deal with the anger and depression. She told me (when I mentioned being told that I was “too sensitive”) that a person couldn’t be “too sensitive”, that being sensitive was a very good thing. That was the first time I had ever heard anything like that.
I also grabbed into your statement that narcissists often attract HSP’s. After being married for 20 years to an alcoholic and then divorcing for the sake of my children, then marrying a man who gave every appearance of being a very good man of integrity and good character, I completely see the truth of that statement. After 24 years of marriage I discovered that he had been molesting little girls for several years and none of them told until my little 10 year old granddaughter did. He is now in prison. The molestations plus other areas of betrayal have led me to obtain a legal separation from him. I have been alone now for 2 years with very supportive family close by and now, at age 66, I am finally understanding who I am. It is a beautiful and terrifying thing. This article has helped. Thank you. (I apologize for the length of this comment, it’s just so great to get these things out on the open.).
Mely Brown says
Jacquelyn, thanks for sharing. And what a lovely and affirming thing to have heard, that a person can’t be too sensitive and it’s a good thing – that was a smart therapist. I’m so sorry to hear about the men that had come into your life and took advantage of your kind and trusting nature. Narcissists and the like can be masters of disguise. It’s wonderful that you have a good family nearby to support you. And many sensitive people out there who understand. Hugs.
Karol says
That is a beautiful article… I feel a bit less “in my own world” right now. I think that my biggest “problem” is the fact that when I like/love people, it is so intense that when I do not receive back I can become crazy/stressed even my body hurts. If one of my friend has had a bad day and he/she acts like cold with me, I always questioning myself (did I do something wrong? Is he/she mad at me?… So much questions run in my head), that makes me feel bad and judging myself about old mean phrases that I could have said or something I could have done. I am tired… But after reading this I am going to love myself more and not expecting as much as I could give, that will help I guess. Thank you!
Mely Brown says
Karol, wow yes – the body definitely takes on board our emotions, even to the point of physically hurting. Relentlessly questioning ourselves is very common, I do that myself a lot. And we get told (or we tell ourselves) to stop overthinking because it’s not about us – and intellectually we might “get” it, but the mind still churns and we feel bad. But here’s the thing. It’s one of our gifts, to have a deep-thinking inquisitive mind that tries to figure things out, from all angles. So we don’t need to feel bad and try to stop it or ignore it, but instead just notice and appreciate our gift for considering different possibilities – and then consciously choose what to focus on positively. Use our superpowers for good. 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
Julio Letelier Monge says
Thank’s one more time! Feel like and HSP is really hard but great at the same time when you know you’re not alone.
My refugee is stay calm in some place that I can feel comfortable, sometimes seeing the view and/or listening calm music.
A big hug from Chile to everyone! Have a great weekend.
Mely Brown says
Julio, yes it definitely helps to know we’re not alone. That’s so great that you know a refuge and way of bringing yourself back into balance, with soothing music and views. Have a wonderful weekend in wonderful Chile!
Herdis Pala says
Thanks for this article, I think most people can benefit from reading it, not only the sensitive ones. 😉
Mely Brown says
Herdis, you’re absolutely right – most people could probably benefit from reading this. Actually, there’s a movie coming out soon, called Sensitive The Movie. They say it’s something everyone should watch, not just HSPs. Wouldn’t it be great for more messages like this get out there to more people, not just the sensitive ones. 🙂
Candace Plattor says
This is a great article, one that I will share with others. I’m what you’re calling a “successful sensitive person” (I’m definitely an HSP), although that hasn’t always been the case. Reading Elaine Aron’s book several years ago opened my eyes to different and wonderful parts of my true nature, and I am forever grateful.
I remember an ex-boyfriend telling me many years ago, “On a scale of 1-10 on sensitivity, you’re a 13.” Although this was a complaint on his part, I remember thinking that I wanted to say “Thank you!” – way before I knew that I was an HSP. I’m proud of my sensitivity today – it’s hard sometimes when I’m not understood by others – but the fact that I now understand myself a whole lot better makes that a whole lot easier. Thanks for bringing all of this information to our attention again!
Mely Brown says
Candace, that’s so inspiring to hear. Sometimes we see successful people and think, oh they’ve always been that way or they’re just naturally glass-half-full. But that’s not always the case. Many, many successful sensitives have turned things around. Books like Elaine Aron’s are helpful in understanding ourselves and reframing sensitivity, so we can be proud of our strengths and honor ourselves – which makes life a whole lot easier, even when others don’t get us or situations are overwhelming. Thanks for posting!
Benice says
This totally resonates with me. I’ve gone from being a very hyper outgoing young girl – and always told she is weird or ‘too much’ – to being a quiet woman with an intense need for solitude and withholding personal information. The trust in others has withered, as the pain of being misunderstood or overheard and judged has hit too deeply. Now, at the age of 29 I was diagnosed with ADHD and am taking medication for it. We’ll see how it will work out. But nonetheless – your words of wisdom mean a great deal and I will keep them in mind and meditate over them in the pursuit of personal sustainability.
Thank you xx
Lisa Koob says
Thank you for this! I am tired of being embarrassed by my emotional and physical sensitivities. I often feel alone and misunderstood, even among family who loves me–I just don’t feel I can converse on the level that I want to–and now I think I understand why. I need to find one of these groups. I haven’t had a close friendship in so long. Now I understand why I am so frustrated with my husband for not being able to understand me properly. I do know these same characteristics have made me a good and compassionate veterinarian.
Mely Brown says
Lisa, what a great point. Part of the HSP’s nature is wanting to converse at a deep level – talk deeply about meaningful things that we feel make a real difference in our lives and the world. Not the usual types of conversation that tend to pop up at dinner parties and so forth. I’m in a meetup group for HSPs, we get together for brunch and it’s always supportive, deep, thoughtful, uplifting and inspiring. Seek out those kindred spirits.
Actually, our group often talks about animals too – most of the emotionally sensitive people I know have a deep affinity for animals. It’s fantastic that you use your compassion and gifts as a veterinarian. 🙂
Marissa says
I’ve always known, both within and from others that I’m highly sensitive. When I was a child I used to say I had soft feelings. I grew up being bullied because of that as well as being tiny (I’m 5’0″ and 100lbs soaking wet) and being an extremely intense person to boot. To this day, I still cry at something so silly as watching my dogs play, because I see the beauty of the symbiosis of nature. The emence complexities and balance of the universe overwhelms and comforts me at the same time. I can see any situation from any and all angles, yet when it comes to my own path, I am blind. Thank you so much for your article. I will use your tips and guidance to help me see.
Mely Brown says
Marissa, I love how you word that – “soft feelings”. In its positive aspect it has such a nurturing connotation. What an amazing gift, to be moved so deeply by nature in those different ways.
It’s most definitely harder to see the different angles in our own path, we have perceptual blindness because our behaviors and beliefs are triggered on autopilot most of the time, rather than conscious thought. Consciously checking in is a great place to start. So too is finding others who understand and support you, and who can help you see that bigger perspective when needed. Wishing you well along your path.
Megan says
Sensitivity is often overlooked and seen as a negative thing. I think sensitivity is an amazing trait for someone to poses. They help teach the world about empathy and make it easier for someone to see their true feelings.
What a man does for pay is of little significance. What he is, as a sensitive instrument responsive to the world’s beauty, is everything! – H. P. Lovecraft
Thanks for the great article.
Megan
Life’s Baggage. Everyone has it, it’s how you carry it that defines you.
LifesBaggage.com
Mely Brown says
Megan, this is so true. It’s fantastic to see it as an amazing trait and an ability to teach the world about empathy and so forth. That’s a lovely quote – thanks for sharing.
victoria Jdg says
I’ve been HSP my entire life & even through years of therapy, this is the first time I’ve ever heard this exact defining term for what makes me who I am. Yes, been told I’m “too much, overwhelming, weird, not normal, don’t fit in, over-reactive, dramatic, attention-seeking”- but I’ve only been me, and was never ashamed of myself until the criticism came- from partners, family. Now I know to research HSP and find the ways to accept it and accept myself knowing it’s okay to feel strongly about things the way I do. I worry too much about the unknown, scared of the future ahead as I live with chronic illness and have a hard time getting Drs to understand my situation is real and not an act, because if I were to pretend I was anything else, my emotions would be ice instead of too nice. My fault is I am too trusting, even having been hurt so many times before due to thinking that others were as real at putting themselves out there like I was. After leaving yet another abusive relationship (this one was emotional instead of phydicsl), I’m closer to family but they disregard me as well, and the only thing I’ve red wanted is to feel loved and accepted by them. Instead, I get criticism just as I did growing up, betrayed for my anxiety and panic attacks, told to act and dress in a manner that doesn’t embarrass them- and I’m in my 30s! No friends to hang out with, no transportation, unable to work, I’ve been relying on them to help with my housing and everything else. Compared to who I used to be, I feel like a failure now. The best part of life can’t be over yet! That would be devastating to know, and it seems everything new I try fails, I’ve even forgotten how to put on makeup correctly! So I crank up the steep, paint, talk out loud just to hear a voice to cut through the overwhelming silence in my lonely heart. I have so much to offer and so much love within yet criticize myself instead of giving it to myself. Thank you for this article, I will be sharing it with the ones around me who may finally begin to understand it’s not a behavior fault- it is the way I am and acceptance vs denial of my truth is the only way progress can occur. I’m glad I’m not alone, we are all brave- because we have this, feel this, and still find ways to go on. You are all loved, I don’t know any of you but I care about you. I just need to care about me, too. Thanks again.
Mely Brown says
Victoria, I totally resonate with the way many of us learn over time to shut down and constrict ourselves, and lose touch with the freer person we used to be. As you say, there is so much power in accepting your truth and seeing your gifts, strengths and positive aspects – it’s about caring about yourself in the now and opening to the possibilities ahead. Something I’ve found helpful when talking to doctors etc, is that Dr Elaine Aron suggests using the term sensory processing sensitivity (which is different than sensory processing disorder) and mentioning that it’s a new area of health research. This way, they know there is science backing this up, even if they hadn’t come across the term yet. I hope that helps in your journey. Blessings.
victoria Jdg says
Wow- sorry for so many typos!! I crank up the stereo, not the steep ha ha-
Rosie says
Thank you so much for writing this! I have a question: if you stop smothering your oversensitivity how do you refrain from being buried in feelings and impressions? I feel like whenever I let my guard down, and some event occurs, I sometimes feel like I’m drowning in it and immediately close myself off from the world like an oyster because it’s all just too much. How do you find a balance in this?
Mely Brown says
Rosie, great question. Emotional energy is supposed to ebb and flow, but most of us aren’t taught how to process emotions fully. Emotions and feelings are body experiences (the physical sensations and impressions we sense). But what happens, is the mind gets involved and it attaches a label to the sensations (e.g. I feel sad). A one-word descriptor can be helpful in processing emotions, but the mind usually doesn’t stop there. The left brain is wired to join the dots and create links and stories and find evidence. So the mind takes the label and then creates a story about ‘what this means’, including things like “this is too much, it’s dangerous to feel this deeply, I can’t handle this” and so forth. We get caught up in the Story (which is often not fully true, but very convincing nonetheless) and it keeps retriggering the emotional energy instead of letting it flow through and away. Or we try to suppress or avoid them, which keeps them constricted and stuck, piling on top of old stuff so it feels like we’ll be buried… and it often triggers physical tension, as well.
That’s exactly how it was for me too, for most of my life. But then I was taught instead to gently release constriction and tension, and allow flow – by focusing your attention on the actual physical sensations in your body (breathing and softening into those sensations, with self-kindness and gentle curiosity) and by noticing the mind but without getting caught up in the mind’s sneaky stories about what the feelings mean or what you “should do to fix them” or “get rid of them.” There’s been some research around this with chronic pain, and I know this approach changed my health around.
To begin with, it helps to start practicing with less-overwhelming situations, rather than when you feel like you’re drowning. You can always be an oyster in the moment if you need to, and then later on breathe into the physical sensations that are triggered if you think back to the situation. Let your body tell you what’s right for you.