Love is not about how much you say “I love you,” but how much you prove that it’s true.
Healthy couples and lifelong fulfilling relationships do not just happen by accident. They are created consciously over time through mindful, mutual effort and sacrifice.
It starts with showing your partner affection today in a dozen little ways – searching for small consistent gestures that alone feel tiny but add up to a truly meaningful and personal relationship experience.
It’s about stringing the little wins of each day together to create a week, a month, a year, and then decades of shared joy. That’s right, lifelong health and happiness as a couple is built through daily devotion. Here’s what my extensive experience coaching hundreds of married couples has told me about what healthy couples do differently:
1. They commit to digging up the diamonds in the rough.
It can sometimes be a daunting task to see the good in your partner when the days are long, the kids are screaming, and the bank account is looking barren. With the turbulence sent our way by everyday life, shining a spotlight on the things that drive us crazy about our partners can easily become an unconscious bad habit. But you must flip the switch on this!
Instead of gawking at their faults, make it a game to dig up all the things you love about them, especially in the moments that you’re struggling with them. It’s easy to love our partners when the sailing is smooth, but learning to love them when the waters get rough is where a truly unstoppable team is built.
The next time you’re frustrated, flip it around. Find two things in that moment that you love and appreciate about your partner.
2. They sleep together… with a smile.
Quit keeping score before you crawl into bed. Everything doesn’t have to be resolved, but anger does need to be pacified.
In a recent study by the Journal of Neuroscience, scientists used some real life science and data to debunk the age-old cliché that you must completely ‘make up’ before bed. The bottom line is that an unresolved argument before bed is OK, so long as emotions are not raging and wild. However, keep in mind that going to bed after harboring extreme negative emotions can reinforce them or “preserve” them.
If you can’t resolve an argument before bed, at the very least make it a point to turn over and tell your partner you love them before falling asleep. The simple shift in tension will be a great start in waking up ready to begin resolving the issue.
3. They send micro-messages of appreciation to each other.
Between busy schedules and long days, finding time to tell our partners how much we appreciate them can get unexpectedly lost in the busyness. But did you know the happiest, healthiest couples talk at least five hours a week? You may not think you have an extra five hours just lying around to chat, but committed and caring partners always look for little ways to send tiny reminders of their appreciation on a consistent basis. A simple text message to remind them of your gratitude and love can go a long way.
Try personalizing one of these awesome text message ideas to bring a smile to your partner’s face today:
- I love you in the morning, in the middle of the day, in the hours we are together, and the hours we are apart. xoxo
- You’ve seen me at my best and my worst, yet you love me anyway. It’s awesome to be your (nickname/husband/wife).
- Please let me know what I did to deserve you…I want to make sure I keep on doing it. Love you!
Want to level-up communication with your spouse in the way that works best for BOTH of you? Read The 5 Love Languages.
4. They are constantly “in touch” with one another.
Whether it is a gentle caress on the face as they pass each other in the kitchen or a playful pat on the backside, healthy couples carve out time to enjoy physical intimacy with each other. You can follow their lead…
- Hold hands no matter how long you have been together or where you are.
- Sit close on the couch as you cuddle.
- Squeeze in on the same side of the booth at a restaurant for added connection and touch.
- Make it a priority to hug each other hello and goodbye when either of you enter or leave the house.
- etc.
The only difference between friendships and the connection you share with your partner is the intimacy.
Both your partner and best friends will likely hear the most intimate details of your life, and you will likely create more space on your calendar for them than anyone else. But only your partner gets to see and feel you in an intimate way. This is an important distinction. If your partnership is feeling more like a friendship, you may need to consciously create moments of intimate touching to revive the physical connection you two share.
5. They don’t let outsiders call the shots in their relationship.
Connected, fulfilled and harmonious couples base their lifestyle, their decisions, and their goals on what they mutually want as a couple, not what they think looks good to others.
They do their best not to conform to the outside pressures of living a certain way, making a certain amount of money, owning certain things, etc. The life they create together is for their enjoyment and happiness. They work hard to let their shared inner compass as a couple, not the pressures of outside forces or opinions, lead their shared journey.
The bottom line is that not everyone will agree with how you and your partner run your relationship, but that’s perfectly OK because it will be just right for the two of you.
6. They make being happy a priority over being right.
What would happen if in your next moment of frustration with your partner you focused on being happy together instead of being right as an individual?
Blaming each other only delays discovering the solution that will move your relationship forward.
Focusing on who’s more right is a time-waster, and healthy couples know it. Instead of blaming each other for having a difference of opinion, they quickly turn to brainstorming about how they can come to a compromise, together.
Keep in mind that the biggest roadblocks to abundant health and happiness in our relationships are often not outside sources, but attachment to our own egos. It’s time to let go and grow together as one.
7. They don’t play games – they’re smart enough to know no one wins.
Reading between the lines and ‘guessing games’ don’t appeal to healthy couples. They don’t create drama where there is none, and they don’t assign motives that aren’t there. They take their partner at their word, and they assume he or she is always coming from a good place. If there is confusion, they don’t draw their own conclusions, they ask questions to clarify
Mature and loving couples know that there are enough real problems in the world without creating bogus ones. Communication is king.
8. They behave as if their partner is always beside them.
Secrets and lies will slowly drain a relationship of trust and love. If you wouldn’t want your partner to know what you’re doing, should you really be doing it?
The next time you’re about to make a decision, ask yourself if you would make the same choice if your partner were present. If not, you shouldn’t be doing it.
Healthy couples who have been together for years know that it’s better to have a difficult conversation about negative spending, eating, or other personal habits than it is to lie or try to cover things up. A strong relationship can work through problems, but only if both parties know about them.
9. They are patient, respectful and forgiving of each other’s humanness.
This one comes right out of the “Relationships” chapter of Marc and Angel’s book, 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently:
“Healthy couples understand that apologies are important, and that they must be backed by sincere patience and forgiveness. Because no matter how honest and kind you try to be, you will occasionally step on your partner’s toes. And this is precisely why patience and forgiveness are so vital to relationships. Patience is simply the ability to let your light shine on the one you love, even after your fuse has blown. And forgiveness is knowing deep down that they didn’t mean to blow your fuse in the first place.
Truth be told, even the healthiest couples on Earth are still just two imperfect humans. At times, the confident lose confidence, the patient misplace their patience, the generous act selfish, and the knowledgeable second guess what they know. It happens to the best of us. We make mistakes, we lose our tempers, and we get caught off guard. We stumble, we slip, and we spin out of control sometimes. But that’s the worst of it; we all have our moments. Most of the time we’re remarkable. So stand beside the one you love through their trying times of imperfection. If you aren’t willing to, you really don’t deserve to be around for their perfect moments either.”
Closing Thoughts
By compiling this short list of nine, I’m not suggesting that these are the only keys to creating a healthy relationship; I’m simply shedding light on some common relationship habits that can make all the difference in the end.
Again, healthy couples do not happen by chance. They are created through conscious and consistent effort.
And the best part is, a happier, healthier relationship can start with just ONE partner – YOU! If you’re committed to having the best partnership possible, choose just one or two of the habits above and implement them today. Set a great example and see how it affects your relationship over the next several days.
Your turn…
What else would you add to the list?
Are there any specific habits or gestures that have made you and your partner healthier as a couple?
Please leave a reply below and share your thoughts.
Author Bio: Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo are the founders of ONE Extraordinary Marriage, a leading source for couples on sex, love and commitment. They are best selling authors and hosts of the world’s #1 Marriage Podcast. Marc and Angel readers can get the free report titled 6 INCREDIBLE Questions To Instantly Break The Silence With Your Partner.
Photo by: Nico.B92
Beverly says
In my 25 years of a healthy marriage after my first marriage ended in divorce, I have learned without a doubt that honesty is what holds a relationship together, and dishonesty is what makes it crumble.
I think this is an excellent round-up of healthy relationship advice that reinforces many of the timeless principles discussed elsewhere on this blog and in Marc and Angel’s book. Thank you for the reminders.
Marc Chernoff says
I couldn’t agree more, Beverly.
And thank you for continuing to praise and support our work. 🙂
Tony DiLorenzo says
Yes Beverly honesty, transparency and trust are all vital for a relationship to thrive for many years. To many more years of marriage for you and your spouse.
Dale says
Lovely post. My wife and I have been married 20 years tomorrow. In the simplest of terms, here’s what’s worked for our relationship:
– We respect each other’s differences.
– We see each other through the eyes of a child…we still date, we have time outs and breathers.
– We pray together.
– We laugh at one another and each other.
– We live each day mindfully and don’t obsess too much of tomorrow.
Marc Chernoff says
Simply beautiful!
Tony DiLorenzo says
Happy 20 years of marriage. That is something you both should be proud of as it takes a commitment on both of your parts to grow individually and together. To many more years ahead.
J.J. says
Great post. I love and agree with what the others have said so far too.
My two cents: Be present. Be as presently as you possibly can in your relationship. Know when to turn off the phones, close the laptops, turn of the TV and radio, and just BE with each other.
Marc Chernoff says
Agreed. Nothing in a relationship works without presence.
Tony DiLorenzo says
You hit the proverbial nail on the head. When you say you are going to be there for your spouse be there. Not looking at your phone while they are talking to you. Great insight.
Kim Willis says
Great post Tony and Alisa!
I like all the points – showing appreciation in small ways, not ending the day on a downer etc.
Looking for the good in your partner is important, although I gotta say that it gets harder the longer the relationship lasts.
Of the 9 tips listed my fav is to maintain touch and intimacy. I was married for 37 years and right up to the end (my wife died) we always had tender moments together.
thanks again
Kim
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for putting that point into (an even deeper) perspective, Kim. Cheers to 37 amazing years! That’s a blessing.
FRANK says
I wish I could get through to my wife of 29 years that it. IS okay to experience the little things mentioned in #4. She’s of the opinion that people “our age” should not find it necessary to hold hands, sit next to each other (she replced our love sofa with two recliners separated by an end-table while I was on a sales trip). I’m going to shows her this list of important things. Thanks!
Kay says
After some 52 years of married life, we are entering a difficult time. My husband has early dementia, and I am having to learn patience and understanding all over again. It’s hard to realize that now I will have to be the strong one. Your reminders about a loving relationship really hit home!
Shelley says
Peace and plenty, grace and gratitude wished upon you as you and your husband walk this path together.
Marc Chernoff says
I echo Shelly’s thoughts. Sending prayers your way, Kay.
Karen Lee says
Humor is BIG. ….having it and using it frequently helps. It helps to diffuse the conflicts and consequently less wear and tear on the body!
I look for self-preservation whenever I can.
Anger and resentments take away years! Being gentle with each other also helps. Humility is often hard to get to sometimes with a partner~ especially when we think we are right~ but it’s a MUST to get pride & ego out of the way. It’s the easier softer way to go in the end.
Jane says
Thank you for saying it so well!
Marc Chernoff says
Well stated!
mary says
There is nothing there without faithfulness.
Estelle says
Staying polite, no matter what.
COMMUNICATE ! Everything. Feeling free to say everything.
Be supportive on each other career.
And so many other things : it is so hard keep a relationship really healthy !
Gary says
LISTENING!!!!!
Stephen // myfiveacres.com says
I have to say, I started reading this with trepidation. Would I do ‘enough’ of these things? I was glad to read on and discover I passed my own arbitrary standards. A great reminder. Thanks. -S.
Steffany says
Hi Marc and Angel,
Thanks for publishing this lovely post. A good reminder for me that once again confirms, that my partner, just as much as i am, is a human being with perfect imperfections trying to do the best he can.
Although I feel very blessed with my bf for 4 years, I do notice that whenever things are getting rough, all the values I have regarding my relationship, are harder to put into practise and my ego will try to come in between.
I would like to add to the list that for a loving relationship, you should let the other person be free to be themselves, even when some of their ideas, views or choices don’t entirely match your own. Instead of focusing on who’s better, wiser and making it look like a competition between the 2 of you, try to see the similarities in the differences and know that every opinion someone has, is based on previous situations they have experienced, just as much as you do.
Looking forward to another post, have a great weekend.
x
Steffany
Marc Chernoff says
Yes! Freedom is what true love is all about. Thank you for sharing these thoughts, Steffany. 🙂
Lori says
I have had the fortune to be involved in very loving relationships and this is a great list! Be with someone who gets you and you get them and remain each other’s best friends forever! XOX
Laura J. Tong says
A wonderful and true list! # 5 and #6 are the most likely to be forgotten I think.A little surprise messages of how much your love means to you can say so much – a scrap of paper in their lunchbox or a post-it stuck on their steering wheel. Keep it fun, keep it surprising, keep saying “I love you”.
Glenn says
All of the items on the list make perfect sense. After 26 years I have virtually stopped doing them because they have been largely rejected. When a simple gift of flowers are rejected with the phrase “They just die anyway.” Most of my love died with it. Now I’m looking to move on to someone will appreciate those gestures.
CCH says
Glenn, You are not alone. I feel this way also. All of the expressions of love, verbal, written, thoughtfulness, gifts, are rejected or dismissed and never reciprocated. I’m done.
A person can say “I love you” but if they don’t show you, then it just feels like manipulative words. Love must be fed and watered on a steady basis or it withers and dies. I’m not so weak that I need reassurance every two minutes but when you give out everything and get nothing back, eventually, you become hollow and there is nothing more to give.
CCH says
Angel, thank you for the reminders that what I am asking for is not unreasonable but legitimate. I do not require 24/7 presence in person or by phone, but I want to hold hands, I want to dance with my partner, I want the blasted TV to go out the window!
In short, I want to feel like my life matters to my partner, and right now, I only feel like a convenience. This is unsustainable.
So thank you for letting me know that to be seen, heard, and respected is not only ok, it is necessary in a well-functioning relationship.
Diane Marie says
What a pity this column wasn’t around when I was married (late ’90’s). My marriage lasted only 2 years – due to my husband’s dishonesty, deception and selfishness. Thankfully my current partner is totally different and adheres to most of this list 🙂