No matter how rough your life gets, you can always turn it around.
On my birthday many moons ago, when Google and I were both a lot younger, I Googled “how to change your life when you’re stuck” to see what would come up. I had been feeling hopelessly trapped – I was busy racing around in circles every day without any meaningful progress. I knew I needed to find a better roadmap as I was getting depressed with the same old grind.
Granted, I was working 60+ hours a week, struggling with a failing business, and coping with the recent deaths of two loved ones. The stress and pace of life just seemed to keep me busy from 7am to midnight every day without much time for self-reflection and mindfulness, and deep down I knew the head-spinning, circular path I was on wasn’t sustainable.
As I scrolled through Google’s search results I was fascinated by the overwhelming quantity of books, articles and quotes all designed to motivate a person to take positive action and make positive changes. Messages of “Let Go and Move On” or “Be Present” were plentiful; however, nothing truly clicked with me. I was looking for guidance that was a bit more specific… guidance like “Walk seven blocks down Main Street and turn right onto Sunshine Drive. Your ‘better’ path begins there.”
The Space to Reflect
I continued to read and look for a new set of directions I could follow, and then it hit me. My losses and personal turmoil had me running and hiding from my problems. I was doing an incredible job being incredibly busy, but I had never stopped to sort out my thoughts and figure out exactly why I was doing what I was doing. My “needs” to provide for my family and ease the pain endured from failure and loss, fueled my mindlessness – I used these circumstances as excuses for not sorting my priorities out effectively – and I became stuck in a circle of futile busyness with no crystal clear vision about anything at all.
I recognized that in order to truly move my life forward, I first had to step on the brakes. I needed to stop dead in my tracks and pause for a little while so I could take it all in, sit with it, and then breathe it all out again. I had to give myself the space to accept where I was, and sort through the possibilities ahead of me.
When I did pause, I began to think of the summer after my high school graduation. My thoughts time-traveled back to those days when I felt like opportunity awaited me in every imaginable direction. I had been accepted to a great university, I was young and ambitious, and I was ready to conquer my dreams. But remembering this didn’t make me feel better. In fact, all these years later, trying to look at the world through this youthful lens for more than a few minutes only made me feel more restless.
Some Good Advice
Maybe it’s the life lessons I was forced to learn the hard way, or the toll of pain and failure, but I had to admit to myself right then and there that the youthful world of possibility felt a whole lot scarier and riskier this time around. I wanted to be ambitious and passionate again, but I didn’t know how, until my wise mom gave me some good advice. She told me that she could still see the positive, passionate young man inside of me, but that I needed to do some soul searching to reconnect myself to him.
As I attempted to follow my mom’s advice, I remembered that I used to have two quotes written on post-it notes hanging on my bedroom wall when I was a kid:
- “Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in your journey.”
- “Don’t be scared to walk alone down the path less traveled, and don’t be scared to love every minute of it.”
So I wrote the two quotes down again, just as I remembered them, and posted them up on the wall over my nightstand. I woke up to these quotes every morning for several years thereafter, and they helped keep me centered.
I also took tiny steps, day in and day out, until I knew I was finally moving down the right path again. For anybody else who feels stuck and without a real sense of how to take the next step forward, I offer the following reminders. They are based entirely on my personal experiences, but they are the simple, actionable lessons that kept me moving forward when I decided it was time for a change. Perhaps they will help you too. Remember…
1. Meaningful daily reminders make growth and positive change easier.
You can post meaningful quotes on your bedroom wall, or find a coffee a mug that has a motivational message on it (mine says “Every Day a Miracle is Born”). But you can also take it a step further than that too…
Few good things come easy, and when the going gets tough we often take the easy way out – even though the easy way takes us the wrong way.
To combat this, I create tangible reminders that pull me back from the brink of my weak impulses. For example, I have my laptop’s desktop background set to a photo of my family, both because I love looking at them and because, when work gets really tough, these photos remind me of the people I am ultimately working for.
And I’m not the only one who’s successfully using this strategy…
A friend of mine who has paid off almost $100K of debt in the past five years has a copy of his credit card balance taped to his computer monitor; it serves as a constant reminder of the debt he still wants to pay off. Another friend keeps a photo of herself when she was 90 pounds heavier on her refrigerator as a reminder of the person she never wants to be again.
Think of moments when you are most likely to give in to impulses that keep you stuck and take you farther away from your ultimate goals. Then use visual reminders of those goals to interrupt the impulse and rebuild the momentum that keeps you on the right track.
2. The space between the things you do is just as important as the things you do.
Pausing for a brief second to end the chaos and busyness can save your life by winning you back precious time and peace of mind. Pausing can also provide you with a break in the habitual action, so you can begin again in a new direction when needed. But you have to leave enough space in your schedule to do so.
It’s tempting to fill in every waking minute of the day with busyness. Don’t do this to yourself. Leave space.
Leave a little space between every one of your commitments. Take a break to breathe and meditate, take a short walk outside, drink a glass of water, or perhaps do some simple deep stretching exercises. Appreciate the space, and just be.
Your ultimate goal is living a life uncluttered by most of the distractions people fill their lives with, leaving you with space for what truly matters. A life that isn’t constant busyness, rushing, and resistance, but instead mindful contemplation, creation and connection with people and projects you truly love.
3. Journaling is a priceless tool for self-reflection and self-improvement.
J.K. Rowling keeps a journal. Eminem keeps a journal. Oprah keeps a journal.
Successful people – those who consistently make positive changes in their life – track their progress, set goals, reflect, and learn from their mistakes. And they often use some kind of journal to accomplish this.
If you want to get somewhere in life, you need a map, and your journal is that map. You can write down what you did today, what you tried to accomplish, where you made mistakes, and so forth. It’s a place to reflect. It’s a place to capture important thoughts. It’s a place to be able to track where you’ve been and where you intend to go. It’s one of the most underused, yet incredibly effective tools available to the masses.
Set aside 15 minutes a day to think and write. When I first started my daily journaling ritual I had to wake up earlier in order to make it happen, but I did, and at 6am it was just me and my motivational coffee mug staring down at a blank white page. I started writing down my dreams, things I had always wanted to do, ideas I had always wanted to explore, places I had always wanted to visit with my family, etc. Then I zeroed in on the present by writing about tasks I wanted to complete ASAP, related business ideas I wanted to implement ASAP, blog posts I wanted to write ASAP, and other near-term, actionable goals.
To this day, I still journal almost every morning. And reviewing my notes at the end of the day/week/month always helps me feel positive about all the opportunities still out there for me to explore and achieve. (Read The Miracle Morning.)
4. The wrong relationships pull you back – the right ones push you forward.
When you’re moving through a sizeable life transition, it’s important to have close family and friends around you that can offer their support and understanding. There’s no room for needless negativity. It’s like the transition phase in labor – that last phase before a woman gives birth to a new life. She can’t possibly stop to take on other people’s problems or feel guilty about not returning text messages. She needs to protect her thoughts, her time, and her energy.
This same principle applies to you. If you find that you have a toxic, draining relationship that’s constantly bringing you down and keeping you stuck, let them go for a while. They may not be an inherently bad person, but they’re not the right person to be spending time with every day.
Remember, not all toxic relationships are agonizing and uncaring on purpose. Some of them involve people who care about you – people who have good intentions, but are toxic because their needs and way of existing in the world force you to compromise yourself and your happiness. And as hard as it is, we have to distance ourselves enough to give ourselves space to live.
You simply can’t ruin yourself on a daily basis for the sake of someone else. You have to make your well-being a priority. Whether that means spending less time with someone, loving a family member from a distance, letting go entirely, or temporarily removing yourself from a situation that feels painful – you have every right to leave and create some healthy space for yourself. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
5. Taking consistent and realistic action every day sets you free.
All details aside, when it comes to making a substantial change in your life – earning a new degree, building a new business, fostering a new relationship, starting a family, becoming more mindful, or any other personal journey that takes time and commitment – one thing you have to ask yourself is:
“Am I willing to spend a little time every day like many people won’t, so I can spend the better part of my life like many people can’t?”
Think about it. We ultimately become what we repeatedly do. The acquisition of knowledge doesn’t mean you’re growing – growing happens when what you know changes how you live.
And remember that this change doesn’t happen all at once. It happens just one small step at a time. When it comes to making changes, less is more.
After I recovered from feeling stuck, being able to think clearly and plan again had me filling journal entries with ideas and mile-long to-do lists. However, I learned quickly that it’s unrealistic to accomplish 100 tasks a day, so I pared down and forced myself to make a daily list of no more than three core things I had to do in order to move myself forward. I began to feel empowered rather than overwhelmed since I took everything in smaller, manageable steps.
Your turn…
If you can relate to this post, remember, you are NOT alone. Every one of us occasionally struggles with faulty habits, beliefs and behaviors that keep us stuck and running in place for awhile. The key is awareness – recognizing these negative forces and stopping them before they stop you.
So, which of the points in this post do you resonate with (or sometimes struggle with)? What habits, beliefs and behaviors get in your way of stepping forward? How have you coped? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.
And finally, if you’d like further assistance with making positive changes in your life, check out our training seminar, Think Better, Live Better. This is your unique opportunity to get live experience from us and our inner circle of friends and world-class experts. Join us at Think Better, Live Better to start next year off on a high note and to keep your momentum going.
Photo by: Splatito8127
J.J. says
Great article! Some of your ideas here relate directly to what I was meditating on in my journal this morning (a life-changing strategy I picked up from your coaching). And I can’t agree more with all five of your lessons learned – especially looking to the wrong people for support. My biggest mistake was in believing my life should be run like a democracy, where everyone I know has a say and a voice, where I have to campaign for the ideas and actions I want to explore, where I have been outvoted far too often by the wrong people. Well… that is a thing of the past, thankfully. I’ve been taking consistent steps forward, like you discussed here in #5.
Marc Chernoff says
J.J., watching and experiencing your journey of personal growth over the past year has been nothing short of inspiring. Thank you for continuing to give back to this community. 🙂
Bethany Stevens says
Marc, you and Angel are hitting closer and closer to home with every article and email I read from you. Or maybe I am gradually moving “home,” closer to where my mindset belongs. I’m certainly feeling less stuck than I did a few months ago. And for that I am thankful.
Alyssa says
This is timeless wisdom everyone should live by!
Seriously, if you’re chasing a lifestyle that isn’t meant for you, you can waste a ridiculous amount of time and energy. You have to understand when to cut your losses and find something better to do – something that’s right for you.
Being “stuck in your life” is tricky because if you want to make a positive changes and move to another city or country, it takes money. If you don’t have the funds to move then you will be “stuck” in your current life situation. However, you CAN always take steps forwards by finding or creating the right work, which will provide you with a means to an end: money so you can move.
What I’ve learned from your blog and book over the past few years is that there is always a small step you can take. I have been taking these small steps every day since, and I’m experiencing incredible progress in my life.
Marc Chernoff says
You got it, Alyssa — there’s nothing about your present situation that prevents you from taking the tiniest step forward today. Thank you for shining a light on this.
Cindy Buccieri says
These are great reminders. Too many times we get caught up in the day to day grind and don’t time to just be, center ourselves and clear our minds. Great post.
Fiona says
I love the way the universe works. I have been thinking about making changes in my life and trying to work out how for a while now. This article has given me so much guiding light, it’s like you wrote it just for me. Thank you so much for choosing to share your wisdom and experiences. They way you wrote this has pretty much summed up all I have been thinking about. It’s time for action now.
Marc Chernoff says
Yes, take action, learn and adjust as you journey forward. Good luck!
Eh Htunt says
Love is post! Really helpful and motivating!
Toni Carthan says
Marc, thanks so much for your insightful post. Remembering to make my well being a prority is key, but overlooked in some of my decisions. How I experience and process “MY” life matters even when we’ll intended family and friends show othewise. It is way past time for me to let go of the past and step by small step learn to consistently move in the direction of my calling. Thanks your gentle nudge moving me in the right direction!
Marc Chernoff says
You’re welcome, Toni. The key is to realize that you can be kind and cordial to family and friends, while still making your own needs a top priority.
Manhar says
A lot of these ideas resonate with me, and I find more and more that using just some of them, little by little, have profound effects. I feel so much calmer than I ever did. Thanks.
Bridget says
Wonderful article! Your wise words will help so many people out there who are struggling with relationships/life/career, etc. I had to learn the hard lesson in life when my Mom suddenly passed away almost 2-years ago, that people aren’t going to give me what I “need”. I had people who I thought were my friends, and they turned their backs on me in my darkest hour.
Along with the loss of my dear Mother, I’ve been struggling with other issues. Through therapy, meditation & Yoga, I learned how to practice “mindfulness” and “letting go” of things that don’t matter. Whenever things start bothering me I tell myself “Lord, please help me accept what I cannot change.” Whether you suffered a loss of job, or relationship, just remind yourself that it happened for a reason. You “will” move on and things “will” get better, in time.
I read a good quote somewhere which said “Don’t spend your time focusing on people who don’t care about you.” I was really hurting for a long time, but I finally realized that I had to “let go” of what was holding me back. Once you learn this mindfulness and learn to let things that are hurting you go, you will feel at peace and ready to move on. Don’t ever expect people to change, because they won’t. But, you CAN change YOURSELF, and it is a wonderful feeling when you begin to feel happy again and better about yourself. When other’s hurt me, I remind myself that “I am responsible for myself, and people make their own choices.”
Marc Chernoff says
Excellent perspective, Bridget. Cheers to being mindful and focusing on inner change!
Thank you for sharing a small piece of your story with us too. Sending prayers of strength your way.
Michael says
Words cannot express my gratitude for this post. Recent past behavior and selfish thinking may have potentially cost me the most important relationship – a person that I deeply love yet have hurt terribly. And while I can accept the thoughts expressed in many of your other posts, I find myself in a very dark place right now (full of guilt, remorse, sadness) for having treated another so badly. This post has opened my eyes to forgive myself, while still sad for hurting others. This post is a wonderful opportunity to take a first step to get unstuck and embark on my desperate journey for change. I can’t thank you enough.
Sienna Luca says
I am very similar, my behaviour has just cost me my marriage, my jealousy has ruined my marriage, I’ve lost the love of my life. I’m in a bad place too, although I never intended yo treat my partner badly, my actions/ questionning ultimately has suffocated them, I think I have been toxic for them so they reached breaking point and walked away, I’m devastated. I too need to embark on my desperate journey for change. I’m starting my first step by acknowledging my faults, I need to address and work on them, it’s going to be hard. I don’t know how to rid my jealous ways?
Marc Chernoff says
Michael, I’m so inspired to hear that this post gave you some needed perspective. Stay present, and work on what you can control going forward.
Sienna, perhaps this post/video will assist you: 6 Ways to Stop Jealousy from Breaking Your Heart
sona says
Reading your blog and trying to follow some of your centering and grounding path has helped me turn my life around from the same rat race. I don’t have the words to express my sincerest gratitude and appreciation for the work that you do. I have referred your blog and still keep doing it whenever I get a chance. God bless your family and may the light always shine bright so it may light up other peoples heart. Thank you.
craig says
I like to try to keep a playful mindset. We often get so caught up in life we lose that sense of play, that beginners mind we had when we were kids. I try to remind myself that it’s all not as serious as I’m making it out to be, that I can have fun with life and still get stuff done. Work and play do not have to be exclusive of one another.
Kat says
Oh my goodness, the timing of this couldn’t be better. I’ve been stuck for a while and the last few days things have really spiraled downward. And I could not get to what the crux of what my issue was or how to get myself out of it. The quote, “Accept what is, let go of what was and have faith in your journey” resonated with me and I wrote it in my journal. That led to a bit of a rant – very emotional – and in what spilled out of me, I had a huge epiphany. I realized what was truly holding me back. And with that, everything changed. I am feeling so at peace now and have written up a new action plan that I feel really good about. Thank you – what you do makes a difference – today it made all the difference in the world to ME.
Jon says
Change can actually come in massive chunks; and, occur rapidly. It doesn’t have to be a sail boat, we can add a motor if we choose. Just as we shouldn’t fear change, we shouldn’t fear exponential change. Sometimes, I would offer, that compressing time to move the process forward is very beneficial and in fact, is very much okay to do. Thus, we ask ourselves, “The sooner and harder I work on myself, minute by minute maybe, the sooner and more solid I will become who I am meant to become.” In fact, it could be argued for this approach since slow change will have down time; time we are more likely to fall back into the old self and old ways. Great article!
karen says
This couldn’t of come at a better time, thank you. I plan to print this out 🙂
CCH says
Thank you. You have just described my life over the past 3 months. Reading this felt as though you were taking a peek inside my life, my brain. Spinning, spiraling, going just to go. It will stop NOW. I hit the wall a couple weeks ago and backed out of two commitments that took up a lot of my time. Now, I feel like I need to refocus my energy, use the tips you have provided, and begin to chart my path forward to a new destination. I’m not sure what that destination is yet but I know some things that have to change in my present for me to advance anywhere.
I am going now to dig up one of my old journals, refocus, and begin again.
There is sadness over some things that will have to be left behind but I think it will be worth it in the end. I look forward to the possibility of feeling freedom and happiness instead of the constant crushing depression that I am stuck where I am, afraid of waking up tomorrow to the same as today.
Marc Chernoff says
Stay strong and keep taking small, positive steps. Angel and I are cheering for you! 🙂
Jean says
Three core tasks a day — that is excellent, do-able advice! Thank you.
Bruce says
Thank you guys for yet another thought provoking post! I am working through a painful relationship break up and am into day 14 of the “no contact” 60 day process. I have added your comment “Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in your journey.” to my daily affirmation list to help me remain strong and committed to this!
muyiscodex says
Your motivational words have been helping me make some serious amendment in my life. I am eliminating the noise and focusing on the meaningful.
Raquel says
Thank you……for opening my eyes….helping me to see….what was always there….just below the surface!!! I think of Marc and Angel….and it makes me feel light and HAPPY….you both let your sparks shine bright….and when mine was dim…it gave me a boost and helped me shine bright again! Thank you for being the AMAZING fearless dynamic and inspiring people that you are! YOU ARE BOTH ONE OF THE GREATS OF THIS WORLD!!! You are leaving GREAT tracks behind you! Again….THANK YOU
-Raquel
jeff H says
I can’t thank you enough for this Blog this week. I’m going through a divorce right now, and I have everyone and there brother telling me what I should be doing instead of letting me make my own hard decisions at this very hard time.. And when I look at what’s going on in their lives, and how destructive the relationships they have been in have been, I finally had to take them off my friends list, sure it was. I told them I need my space to run my life instead of them running my life.Its just been a hard week checking them off, but I’m starting to feel free inside.
Jessica says
I really appreciate that you’ve given us actionable steps. I too get lost in vague generalities like “move on.” I’m always wailing, I would “but how??”. Thanks for the specific and insightful steps!
Tee says
This article was so timely in my life. The Serenity Prayer is something I constantly have to affirm and meditate in my mind daily. However, there are days that become more and more trying, reading this article today allows me to take not only one moment at a time, but also, take one situation at a time. Divide it into parts and pieces (BREAK IT ALL DOWN!) It’s not an easy process, but it can be done. I am a life coach, however, I am human and have to deal with the human experiences just like my clients do. Each one, Teach one, Reach one.
Thank You
Monica says
Wowser! How prophetic was this post. I have been struggling to make a decision about a career change, like you, I wanted to be passionate about my career and yes I did feel stuck. The universe has been giving me signs, for several years to make a change, but I stubbornly chose to ignore them. Well, this past week the universe had to get tough, I was placed on unpaid leave, because I had a complaint filed against me. My response was relief, peace, some sadness, excited about possibilities, and then sitting down and reviewing what I really want in a career. I no longer have a choice to make a career transition or feel stuck. Instead of feeling scared or depressed, I no longer feel stuck, but I feel confident that t I will find a fulfilling new position.
“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in your journey.” I love this! Thank you for all the great articles!
Christa says
Thanks! I really do feel stuck at the moment and wonder if I’ll ever be “me”. I’m sabotaging myself, well aware of the consequences, but decide to go forward anyways.
Not sure what it will take to stop it, but hope I can turn it around soon.
Dj says
Glad I googled again! Been feeling a bit out of sorts over the last few days. Got the theory……….need to work on the practice! Thanks for this little reminder that I’m never alone. Others are treading the same path, if just a bit ahead or behind. It’s good to encourage each other to keep moving forward or allow ourselves a rest from time to time too!
Tom says
I’m facing a heavy decision for myself right now. I am considering making a move from where I live. It’s a tough decision for me, even though it may be an easy decision from other people.
I live in a condo complex; and been living there for 15 years. In the last few years, I have not enjoyed living there. Mostly because I feel like I have bad neighbors. And I feel like I don’t fit in very well with the residents. I am 58 years old, single, no kids, and live alone. Everyone else at the complex are either coupled or in a family. I feel like I’m the only one there who lives alone; and I feel like I’m being judged for that.
I have considered living in a “seniors” complex. I have a good friend who objects for me to make the move. I don’t understand why he feels that way. I checked out a seniors place a couple of times and was very impressed. I would consider selling my place and rent. I feel like I’ve had enough of owning. I could accumulate money and maybe be with more like-minded people for me. But I keep on being hesitant about making the move and I don’t know why. I guess it’s because I want to stay in my comfort zone and don’t want the hassle of moving. But I feel miserable staying at where I am.
I have reminded my friend many times that I had left where I came from; and there was a lot of opposition in doing that. He tells me that he’s been very thankful that I moved to where I am and to have met me (he does not live at my complex). I told him that maybe someone will tell me that when I move into another place. No one has ever told me that they are so glad that they’ve met me at where I am now.
So, I don’t know. Also, I’ve thought of renting because I can get money from the sale; and I have no one to leave my condo to.
Barbara Joy says
Thank you for your insight and writings. I’ve been in a struggle of epic proportion for a longer time then I care to admit…
Dwight L. Carter Sr says
Truly appreciate the wisdom shared in this post. At 59 transitioning from corporate life where busyness and chaos are the norm to entrepreneurial dream chasing has been challenging. The encouragement to remember my purpose, give space for change and growth, journaling, relationship that pull you back or move you forward, and taking consistent and realistic action. Wisdom ad encouragement I needed for my self and my family.
Thank you
Dwight L. Carter Sr
rosatitainvestments.com
brokenroadministries.com
.
sarah says
thank you guys. your words of wisdom are helping me to get on the right path. I come to your blog for insight on a daily basis, it really helping me to realize that my past toxic attitude and behavior has been my real problem…which I hope to gradually get rid of completely. but it is going to take some time. thanks for opening my eyes and heart. keep up the good work.
Kristi Lee says
-growing happens when what you know changes how you live.
We (my husband and I ) have been gradually making changes to move towards the life we want with our children. When I take the time to evaluate all we have done-career changes, revamping and expanding an existing business, then trying to scale back our time at work- I can really appreciate the struggles and the successes. Action is the most difficult part but the only way to move and change.
I really enjoy your articles. Please continue to share your knowledge to fuel our change.