Letting go of control… and being OK with it.
That is one of the greatest struggles many of us deal with on a daily basis, myself included.
Because letting go of control goes directly against our modernized, industrialized way of living – we are go-getters, doers, architects of our destiny. We build things and make things happen on our own terms; we don’t wait for anything to happen on someone else’s terms! At least that’s what I learned growing up from teachers, sports coaches, movies, songs, magazine articles, and so forth. So allowing things to happen was not in my DNA. I had never been one to sit back and passively let go of control.
Over the years, however, my perspective has shifted. I’ve learned the hard way that a great deal of the control we believe we have over our lives is an illusion. For example, I’ve since met…
- the young man who had his life turned upside down by cancer
- the young woman, and mother of two, who lost her husband to death at 27
- the family who lost their house in a tornado
- the local business owner who was thriving until the economy collapsed
- the hard-working employee who lost her job when her employer of 25 years filed for bankruptcy
- the runner who lost his leg in a hit an run car accident
- the mom whose son has Down syndrome despite her doing everything right during pregnancy
- and many, many more people just like them…
It happens every day – situations we think we have control over, but we really don’t.
So what can we do?
Let GO! Be mindful…
The Mind… The Battleground
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the mind is our biggest battleground. It’s the place where the strongest conflict resides. It’s where half of the things we thought were going to happen, never did happen. It’s where our expectations always get the best of us. It’s where we fall victim to our cravings to control the uncontrollable.
And if we allow these thoughts and cravings to dwell in our minds, they will succeed in robbing us of peace, joy, and ultimately our lives. We will think ourselves into deep heartache and even depression.
Truthfully, there’s so much about life that we can’t control, it makes no sense to waste all our energy on these things and then blatantly neglect everything we CAN control.
We can decide how we spend our time right now, whom we socialize with – whom we share our lives with. We can choose to love and appreciate the people in our lives for exactly who they are. We can choose how we’re going to respond to life’s surprises and disappointments when they arise, and whether we will see them as curses or opportunities for personal growth.
And most importantly, we can choose to adjust our attitudes and let go of all our worries about everything we can’t control, which in turn frees us up to take the next best step forward in our lives.
Quotes to Stop Worrying About the Uncontrollable
Like you, I still struggle with letting go of control sometimes. So I’ve implemented a simple strategy for helping myself with this predicament. In a nutshell, I proactively remind myself NOT to worry about things I can’t control. Anytime I catch myself doing so, I pause and read the following seven quotes (taken from our book and blog archive) to myself. Then I take some deep breaths, and reassess the situation with a more mindful presence…
- You can’t control everything that happens to you, but you CAN control the way you respond. And in your response is your greatest power. Yes, most of your stress comes directly from the way you think and respond, not the way life is. Adjust your attitude, and all that extra stress is gone.
- Don’t bother worrying about whether there will be problems. There will be plenty of them, and you’ll work your way through every one of them.
- If you worry too much about what might be, and wonder too long about what might have been, you will ignore and completely miss what is. Realize that worrying is a misuse of your incredible creative energy. Instead of imagining the worst, imagine the best and how you can bring it about. (Angel and I show how in the “Happiness” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Today is a choice. Today, choose grace over impatience, beauty over negativity, and presence over panic.
- There is absolutely nothing about your present situation – even the aspects you can’t control – that prevents you from making progress, step by step.
- You are alive and breathing, so act like it. Let go of what’s wrong and grab a hold of what’s right. Make things happen, and then let things happen. Learn, accept, explore, create and experience, every single day, one tiny step at a time. (Angel and I build tiny, life-changing daily rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
- Keep being mindful. Keep breathing deeply. Things ultimately turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out.
Afterthoughts
And because there’s an obvious correlation to this post, I’ll leave you with a little something I have pinned to my office bulletin board:
5 Rules of Happiness:
- Don’t Hate
- Don’t Worry
- Give More
- Expect Less
- Live Simply
🙂
Your turn…
Which point above resonated the most with you? And what else do you try to keep in mind to stop yourself from worrying about things you can’t control? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Photo by: Jared Erondu
Megan says
My 51 years of living has taught me exactly what you have discussed here. Trying to always be in control has hurt me in many ways. But I’ve made adjustments. I’ve learned that we all need to loosen up and let more things happen on there own. This is really tough to do sometimes of course, but it’s extraordinarily liberating! When we are hastily running on a a hamster wheel of stubbornness, we completely miss out on a lot of incredible scenery. Your course has been helping me let go and refocus on what can be controlled, instead of worrying about everything else. It is a gradual process, and I’m getting better. Thank you, yet again, for all the support.
Marc Chernoff says
You are welcome, again, Megan. 🙂
Jeremy Benz says
I love how this post conveys the importance of acceptance — to simply make the best of reality instead of trying to change it all the time. This article, like your book and all your bi-weekly blog emails, has given me a calming perspective. I’m finding my way to a more mindful presence, step by step, with your continued guidance.
Elizabeth Hasel says
I like the phrase about reality. It will be my thought for the day. Thanks.
-Elizabeth
Shannon Morehouse says
I completely agree, it all boils down to acceptance. That’s where a feeling of peace and calm originates. It’s the foundation. And from there, that is where we grow joy!
Marc Chernoff says
You got it, Jeremy! And thanks for the added perspective.
Beth says
M&A, I’m thoroughly enjoying your articles, book and emails. And this says a lot because I’m not too keen on the Tony Robbins era of personal development advice. But I truly appreciate your perspective. As it relates to this worrying about things I can’t control, I’ve been down that road many times.
As my 50th birthday approaches, I’m struggling with the difference between what I expected my life to be like at 50 and the reality how it is. My life is not at all how I expected it to be. And it’s difficult to accept that I have not achieved what I dreamed of achieving, largely because of an illness I have no control over. For so long I desperately tried to control the uncontrollable. But I’ve learned to accept myself and my circumstances… and I’m still learning.
It was really helpful to read your common-sense reminders here. As I meditate on them and ritualize them (incredible strategies I picked up from your course and coaching) and try to apply them to my unique circumstances, I know they will guide me in my inevitable moments of delusion.
Marc Chernoff says
Beth, there’s no question about it: sometimes we have to let go of the life we had planned, so we can make the best of the life that’s waiting here for us. It sounds like your mind is in a good place now. And regarding the course, please let us know how we can be of further assistance to you.
Eric R says
Great article – thank you for sharing. While I was driving on the interstate recently in fast moving bumper to bumper traffic I realized we all dislike the tailgater (which we can’t control) – yet many of us become the tailgater (which we CAN control). Indeed, we can’t control the person behind us or the person in front of us. Time to take a deep breath, give everyone around us some space, and keep moving forward while enjoying the view – the rest is out of our control.
avdhesh sharma says
The line that grabbed my attention was: “Make things happen, and then let things happen.”
For me that sums up life’s best philosophy, simple yet forceful!!
Tashanna says
Learn to love and forgive yourself.
We all make mistakes.
Jeff Shoup says
I really enjoyed your article. I do worry a lot about things I can’t control. Being a perfectionist has been a blessing and a curse. At 50 I am nowhere near to where I thought I would be. I’ve started over so many times I’ve lost track. It makes me feel like a failure. But I think this time I’m approaching it in a different state of mindfulness. I have to tell myself each day to stop worrying of what might be. Stepping back and seeing the situation and how it relates to the world makes me realize that it is not the end of the world. But there are aspects of it that I can change to make a difference in someone’s life. Point number 3 really made a profound impact on my life.
Thank you
Rebecca says
I enjoyed reading this article and it contains concepts that I need to be reminded of regularly. In the area of letting go and letting things happen I’m reminded of my own need to pick and choose what is really important in the day to day business of raising a son. I regularly tell people that perfection is an unreasonable goal, and that is always a reminder for myself.
CT says
Worry be gone! Thank you for these reminders, and for all the positive strategies you provide via your emails, books, etc.
Daniel says
I definitely over-think things. I could relate to worrying too much about what might be and also what could have been. I am working hard to appreciate every moment and enjoy what is right now.
Rose says
Very Helpful and also beautiful, Thank you so much!
Karen Cook says
The past week was a difficult one for me. I am coming off medication, the withdrawal has been a challenge & I have allowed a few family difficulties to become enormous in my mind.
This morning I managed to meditate & then I read your article. It resonated with me in its’ entirety! Thank you very much for the timely reminders.
Pooja says
“Adjust your attitude and all that extra stress is gone” is said greatly.
I really appreciate this thought and is indeed the soul mantra to avoid worries. Yes at times it is difficult to do it but not impossible. Be it at home or at workplace, with this thought in mind, one can avoid major stress. Just by reading it, I started doing self analysis and I do agree that yes its my attitude to stuation that is causing me stress..
Tessa says
The one thing you said that had never occurred to me is how much time I lose getting to the things I CAN control. That time I spend worrying could be spent cleaning my bathroom or folding those clothes that have been sitting in the basket all week long. My life could be more pleasant if I used that time to accomplish the things I say I never have time for. That’s real change! !! Thank you!
collin cambridge says
Thank You.
At age 52, I have learnt to thank God for caring for me better than I deserved.
Abhimanyu gandhi says
No question. Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you react to it .
Jennifer Guzman says
I was brought up with a father that was a extreme worry wort. This had a very big affect on me growing up. I find myself worrying about just about everything. A characteristic I do not want to pass down to my children. These articles and quotes have helped a lot. My next step is to get the book.
Christine says
‘Give more’ is exactly what my psychotherapist has recommended against me doing. She says that constantly giving more and more to people and institutions such as employers who do not reciprocate in caring about me when the crunch comes is folly. What do you say?
Richard Melnick says
Sharing words from my yoga teacher circa 1975:
Acceptance [of any seeming barrier] is transcendence [of it].
Linda says
I especially liked “Today is a choice. Today, choose grace over impatience, beauty over negativity, and presence over panic.” Even at 73, I can still use these reminders. I really, really like these ideas for dealing with life. Thank you.
Connie W. says
I read your emails, & often re-read them, as your topics & ideas really do help me a lot! Thank you so much.
Kandie says
For some reason, my mom came to mind while I was reading this article and posts. Given the way my mom was and still is, I can’t help but wonder if our generation (I’m 47) was negatively influenced by the baby boomers and their need for control and success. All my life I’ve heard “if you can’t do it right the first time, then don’t do it at all” – an implication that I needed to be perfect and that any imperfection was of my own creation. My response later in life was to repel from her because I constantly felt inadequate and therefore compensated by trying to be more controlling of my circumstances. Kinda like “if you’re not part of the solution, then you’re part of the problem” I heard that a lot, too. But I’ve sensed learned to be more mindful, forgiving of myself, even laugh at my self, and that feels sooo good. thank you for your insight to a peaceful life.
walter says
How about “Don’t worry about the world ending today, it’s already tomorrow in Australia.”? Levity almost always helps…
Steve says
I’ve worked on self- acceptance my whole life – coming up on 55 – around body image. I am making steps forward every day and some days are better mentally than others.
I know one day I will worry as little about this (and traffic) as I do the weather.
Lee says
This article came at a really good time.
I myself had a life-changing academic failing a month and a half ago (it had been a long time coming, but that didn’t make the final blow any easier). Anyway, as a result, the dream I had for several years – since I was a kid, actually – has now been made next to impossible. At least that’s what it felt like at first. The more I came to accept what had happened, and realize that I could still go towards the same destination by a different route, but it would probably be better for me in the long term to do something completely different. I had already made plenty of sacrifices to get to where I was, but it didn’t even compare to the amount of sacrifices I’d have to make going forward if I kept my original “destination.” Fortunately I turned 24 less than a month ago, so I’m still young and I still have plenty of time to figure out what my TRUE “path” is.
Just a quick note: Down syndrome is chromosomal, it happens at conception. Certain birth defects are indeed the result of “mistakes” (known or unknown) during pregnancy, but Down syndrome isn’t one of them. It is essentially the result of either the sperm or egg having 2 chromosome 21s (instead of one), resulting in an embryo/fetus/baby with 3 chromosome 21s (instead of 2; Down syndrome is also called TRIsomy 21) – no lack of folate, no amount of caffeine, no pregnancy behavior is going to prevent that.
Tracy says
Love everything you write!
Your words are always amazing!
However you may need to change the words on your office wall as the universe doesn’t hear the word don’t. Therefore in your 5 rules of happiness you are asking for… Hate and worry, maybe it could say Love and Trust instead??
With much love and thank you for your great work!
Tracy
Samuel Rotich says
Am so much excited and happy to read your inspirational messages from Kenya. Truely speaking I have always been trying to make my way in most of the things I do. This has made me to be disappointed when I couldn’t carry the day. The lesson I have learned from this is to live each day at a time and stop worrying.
Mary Weddle says
Your words are always most timely. Today has presented me with two areas of concern, worry, and even anger. The concern and worry revolve around financial matters, and the anger is because I am married to someone who will not assist in helping, replace totally rotten wood covered up, might I say, because he chooses to not do so. Personally, I think he deserves the curb!!!!!
Dhiman says
Such a great article… I think the most important thing to find happiness is to practice the thoughts of happiness in mind… The more we dwell on the setbacks and hardships and worry about things, the more we will feel sad and disappointed… I have learned the truth of life that if you see it peacefully it will give you back peace no matter how terrible you are feeling and if you see it with a complex and sad mindset it will give you back sadness… So we must learn to accept things and begin from there… It’s an inspiring article… Thank you…