One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go – whether it’s guilt, anger, love or loss. Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go. But letting go is oftentimes the healthiest path forward. It clears out toxic thoughts from the past and paves the way to make the most positive use of the present.
You’ve got to emotionally free yourself from some of the things that once meant a lot to you, so you can move beyond the past and the pain it brings you.
Again, it takes hard work to let go and refocus your thoughts, but it’s worth every bit of effort you can muster.
The underlying key is to…
Rediscover the Peace that’s Already Within You
The Greek philosopher Epictetus said it perfectly more than 2,000 years ago: “People are disturbed, not by things (that happen to them), but by the principles and opinions which they form concerning (those) things. When we are hindered, or disturbed, or grieved, let us never attribute it to others, but to ourselves – that is, to our own principles and opinions.”
Modern behavioral science agrees too. American psychologist Albert Ellis has facilitated dozens of scientific studies proving that how people react to events is determined predominantly by their view of the events, not the events themselves.
Realize that, somewhere within us all, there does exist a supreme self who is eternally at peace. Because inner peace does not depend on external conditions — it’s what remains when you’ve surrendered your ego and worries. The need for something to be different in this moment is nothing more than an egotistic worry, and worries like this simply lead you in circles.
Peace of mind arrives anyplace and anytime, the moment you come to peace with what’s on your mind. It happens when you let go of the need for things to be different than they are.
This, of course, is easier said than done, which is why I often reference these…
Quotes that Remind You to Let Go
Knowing that you need to let go and actually letting go are two very different things, and sometimes we need all the positive reinforcement we can get. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I frequently use quotes (and affirmations) to proactively remind myself NOT to hold on to the wrong things (ideas, mindsets, etc.) Anytime I catch myself holding on, I pause and read the following quotes (taken from our book and blog archive). Then I take some fresh deep breaths…
- Oftentimes letting go is simply changing the labels you place on a situation – it’s looking at the same situation with fresh eyes and an open mind. Truth be told, there is absolutely nothing about your present circumstances that prevents you from making progress, one tiny, mindful step at a time.
- Letting go isn’t about having the courage to release the past – it’s about having the wisdom and strength to embrace the present. It’s not about forgetting – it’s about remembering without fear. It’s stepping forward, untethered, with a present mind and a lesson learned.
- One of the most rewarding and important moments in life is the moment you finally find the courage to let go of what you can’t change. When you let go of how it “should” be, you ignite the full potential of how it CAN be from this moment forward. Happiness, then, is ultimately letting go of what you think your life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is, and making the very best of it. (Angel and I show how in the “Happiness” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care about something or someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only thing you really have control over is your next action in this moment. In most cases, you can’t calm the storm – and it’s not worth trying. What you can do is calm yourself, and collect yourself, and the storm will pass.
- To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that lie ahead. It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s changes, to trust your intuition, to learn as you go, to realize that every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward.
- You don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward. Just do the best you can until you know better. Once you know better, do better. Make gradual growth a daily ritual. This is how life-changing momentum is built. It feeds on itself, one small step at a time. Make an effort to begin, and as you start moving forward it takes less and less effort to sustain. (Angel and I build small, life-changing daily rituals with our students in the “Goals and Growth” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
- As you take the next step, and the next, your greatest defense against stress, frustration and defeat is your inherent ability to choose one thought over another. Remember this. If you look for reasons to be disheartened – if you look for reasons to give up and give in – you’ll find plenty of them. Look instead for reasons to be positive, and see them everywhere. Then carry on.
Afterthoughts
A big part of letting go is renewing your faith in yourself. This faith means finding the willingness to live with uncertainty, to feel your way through life, to let your intuition guide you like a flashlight in the dark.
It’s about standing firmly on your own two legs without the crutches you’ve been holding on to.
And YOU ARE strong enough!
So… What if, for today, you choose to believe that you have enough and you are enough? What if, for today, you choose to believe that you are strong enough, wise enough, kind enough, and loved enough to move forward? What if, as the sun sets on today, you choose to believe that the little bits of progress you made were more than enough for one day? And what if tomorrow, you choose to believe it all over again?
Make those choices.
Let go, and choose yourself.
Your turn…
What are you holding on to that’s holding you back? In what ways do you need to let go? What worries you about this? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights with us.
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Photo by: Milada Vigerova
Jenna says
I have been receiving your articles by email. Truly inspiring.
I have held on to how life is “supposed to be” for too long and it has kept me stuck where I am.
This post has helped me take the smallest mental step forward today though. Thank you.
Marc Chernoff says
You’re welcome, Jenna.
Derar says
I really liked number six
Helen says
I love the way you opened this post. Those first few paragraphs cut right to the center of my issues. My life experiences have been very close to what you’ve described. Trying to hold on to everything, and trying to resist change, has held me back. We all need to let go and let life evolve. Terribly tough advice to stick to sometimes, but ultra-liberating! When we are furiously running on a treadmill of stubborn attachment to how things are, we often miss out all the possibilities to make the future great. Your course has been helping me let go and refocus on what’s truly important in the present, so I can take positive steps forward. It is a daily process of small rituals, but I’m getting closer. Thank you again for all the strategies and advice.
Kimani says
For far too long I’ve been dealing with regret,guilt,depression,anxiety,lack of confidence,stress etc….you name it I’m there on a emotional roller coaster I’ve come a very long way but I still have a long way to go my attitude is defeating me I have outbursts that I really dislike only when I calm down I see things in a different perspective this article hit the nail right on the head I’m struggling with everything but I also know I’m making great progress it’s just that I’m trying how to remain focus,how to not back slide negatively,how to remain positive how to keep better taught in mind for a better outlook on everything or every situation….
So my main goal today is letting go and moving forward for a better me! Thank you guys for this article it’s really a blessing and a definite reminder. …..love you guys?
Luigi says
Kimani, your post describes exactly what I am also going through, you put it so well, thank you..Although I, regrettably not as positive as you, I can’t seem to LET GO, “Epictetus” is so right…self confidence is a factor of which I am trying to regain…with help from Marc&Angel,
Thanks for this post guys, it really hit home….
cheers!
Lu
Marc Chernoff says
Keep going! You’re doing great, Helen. 🙂
Ben says
For me, it’s time to let go of the anxiety I still have about a very tough childhood. Now, as a dad, all of the angst, and sadness I couldn’t get through as a child surfaced as a grown man, triggered by my past.
I’ve been working on letting go, so I can live in the now, and enjoy all of the incredible people and things I have in my life – which mean a lot to me.
It’s challenging at times because these defense mechanisms I have are bad habits I’ve harbored for decades, but I’ve made solid progress in the past year or so, in part thanks to your emails, articles and book, which I’ve used for daily positive positive reminders.
Marc Chernoff says
You’re welcome, Ben. And congrats on making some incredible progress.
Jaime Leigh says
Perfectly said, “Change is never easy – you fight to hold on and you fight to let go.”
How many years I wasted holding onto toxic people and toxic situations because of the fear of letting go. It’s taken a long time for me to learn to find the inner peace within me. I am actually in the midst of RE-discovering my inner peace. Thank you for the reminder and the inspiration.
Marc Chernoff says
I love your sentiment, Jamie. And you are welcome. 🙂
Deborah says
I’m trying so hard to let go of what I thought my life was supposed to be. After a successful career, I gave everything up to marry the man of my dreams. We had a beautiful child, lived in the perfect house, perfect neighborhood…..ha ha, the joke was on me. Ain’t no such thing as perfect. His betrayal left me reeling and the way he threw me to the curve….
Every day I struggle with letting go but in the end it is my faith that gets me through each day. I love your posts ,they are beautiful and inspirational.
thank you
S. Hughes says
Thanks so much for such an uplifting post! Love your e-zine and have shared it with many. Nobody can hold us back except ourselves. Thank you for the reminder. I’m old, tired and grumpy today. Can’t change my age or chronic insomnia. But I can choose to be happy and let go of the past!
Andreja says
This article is very inspiring. Because I’m a collector 😉 I try to hold everything – people, feelings, material stuff… so, you gave me few good things to think about it 🙂
Lori Wegler says
Hi Marguerite.,
I really like your post regarding letting go. I too am in about the same situation that you are/were in. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 year now, we are both 55 years old and not getting any younger. I want to live under one roof together, and he likes it the way it is, living separately. I have always liked being married, but I need to come to the conclusion that this will never happen with him … do I just accept that I will be a “forever” girlfriend ( I do love him) or do I leave and seek what I really want out of life.. to be a wife again..
Marguerite says
I need to let go of the notion that I am not complete without a boyfriend/spouse/man in my life. I’ve been in several good, but wrong relationships that ultimately end in pain, hurt & disgust of myself. I’m not good with good-byes so I hang on way to long & try to create a friendship out of a failed relationship so I don’t have to be alone, feel guilty for the failure, & so I don’t have to do my own work. I recently made the choice to be happy and take care of myself knowing that I am in control of my own thoughts and feelings. It’s hard, I do step back at times (by texting or writing to the last ex), but everyday I start with a clean slate…by reminding myself that I am enough, I have enough and I can make today a wonderful day filled with love.
desire says
I relate..i have been reading your post for quitr some time. i have so many to let go situations which drain me so much everytime. be it my work environment; my family (mom dad and siblings) the biggest challenge of it all my merriage.. i know i have to let go but i dont know how to..perhaps i am scared..i am in a very abusivr meriage; verbal and emotional abuse and i have been threatened with divorce and the works and humiliated and all; he did so many things including cheating but i keep taking him back; keep letting him in even though he hurts me.
Gurdeep Singh Chawla says
Let Go & Let God
Pat johnson says
I am having trouble moving on without my son who was killed 9 years ago at age 23. Also the relationship that has developed between his sister and I. I have so many friendships ended because of my grief. No other family where I live. Trying Hard to make these positive steps forward. Tired is the word I would use for myself. I am so thankful I purchased your book 1000 + little things happy successful people do differently. I believe Marc and Angel you are a godsend and with your blogs and the book I might just make it to the other side of the mountain. That coupled with Gods love and my sons spirit. Pat In Jacksonville.
Laurie says
“The problem is not the problem. Your attitude about the problem, is the problem.” Captain Jack Sparrow
Laurie Rothberg says
Your posts to me have been very helpful. I need to know what you think of this post on messenger in FB. I will share with you. I became friendly with a gal in Canada and we have written back and forth for months.
I posted a painting of Hillary I had done and my friend got ballistic. I had no idea she didn’t like her. The post, my so called friend sent me ,is as follows. She didn’t like my painting and notified the gal in charge of one of the groups it was posted in that I committed an error. I told the friend on messenger she ought to have told me it upset her; I would have taken it down. It was not posted to my friend at all but to the group site.
She wrote me as follows” I despise Hillary. I had told you before how much I don’t care for her crap. But once again, your teasing are just provocation.. Nothing else.. Everything was so carefully planned, to have her spoke men coz she needed the support like crazy.. le musulman … Hahaha.. They don’t talk about how many were killed by them for no reason at all.. What a F nerve to wonder if Trump had ever read the constitution.. In 1999, when people were talking about the possible crash of computer… She the B.. Made her little speech saying My fellow Americans … Do not think we are …
She went on and on.. She told me “you lie through your teeth just like her. Told me to get help and quick. “Dont need your crap. “I’m flushing you.”
Okay. We were getting close and told each other about our lives. She started out so sweet and escalated to this. Her first outburst she apologized a week ago and said she’d been feeling poorly.
I’ve been very upset and concerned — believe it or not about her and why this happened. Trying to forget this ever occurred. I think maybe she is bipolar. She gets happy to mania and then sinks to this.
We’re both artists which was the interest in the first place. I’d really appreciate your thoughts about this. I’m a senior and wonder how I could have judged someone so poorly.
Mary says
Read Laurie’s quote above, “The problem is not the problem. Your attitude about the problem, is the problem.” Captain Jack Sparrow. We can’t control how others behave, what they say, or do. We can only control how we react. Her actions/reaction are her’s, and have nothing to do with you. Let go and move on wishing the best for her and you. At this age, we need to concentrate on happiness and peace of mind. It’ll only happen when we quit trying to fix or over analyze. I know it’s hard to do all the time, but it becomes easier little by little. Peace!
Aniza says
My past life experiences are not worth sharing.They have been haunting me for a long time till i realised why me?why should i worry?bcz in a way these experiances helped me gain an unforgettable lesson that has alwaya motivated me to try more and more.I believe”to make peace with ur past is to make an investment for ur future,it is like an insurance for the rest of ur life”.
Cindyl says
I am letting go of toxic people in my life. It’s been a fight because they don’t leave willingly. Forcing them out, they still don’t go out without a fight. Which is what I loved about them to begin with. But, I know that I learned from them what I needed to, like how to fight, but it is time to keep moving forward. I have allowed them to control me for far too long. And like you said, I am choosing myself. I am learning new things now, and continuing to grow. It’s hard though. I never thought I would let go of these people. But I am glad I am. I am proud of myself for choosing this. With God’s help is the only way I’ve been able to. He’s guided me through this all, or I’d still be stuck in my past.
Marina says
Long time now i’m reading your- always motivating -emails, but it’s the first time i really felt like sending back the ‘THANK YOU’ i thought, while reading your lines.
Letting go ! Hope this time i will go a step further, learn the lesson (deeply) and act. The need of holding on or thinking through every possible detail is exhausting. The fear of making mistakes, of taking a wrong decision and paying the price ….wow…how much longer.
Sending a small but strong hug . And a smilling thanks.
M.
David says
I just wanted to say that I recently signed up to your newsletter and this is the first article I am reading as I wake up. But wow, it is truly powerful and inspiring.
I guess there are many things I have been hiding on to such as: how I pictured my life was supposed to be by this point, past mistakes, past loved ones, hurt and pain.
Thank you for sharing these articles full of wisdom. I know they will help many just as they do with me.
Hong says
You supported me so much. You made my day. Marc and Angel, you are so great! You are the important roles in my “grateful” list today. Thank you 😀
Simon says
Love this article . I have been receiving your emails for some time now. This today is very apt, as I have just started therapy again , for about the third time in my life. My life, at the age I am 42, has been a run of accidents, misfortunes, sincere bad luck, ill health, and job losses. Now out inform for 5 months, father to 4 and a beautiful wife, I have lost all self confidence and very low self esteem. A mind that won’t stop going round and round. Analysis paralysis .stuck, your articles make me realise maybe I am not alone. Or strange !!!
Nico says
Very well written. Thank you
For me it has been trying to let go of the fears let o by my eating disoerder. But I like what you said. Today is one day and I can make that step towards recovery today so that i can move in the right direction for tomorrow and my future…”Make gradual growth a daily ritual. This is how life-changing momentum is built. It feeds on itself, one small step at a time. Make an effort to begin, and as you start moving forward it takes less and less effort to sustain. ”
Thank you
Sylvie says
Thank you for the inspiring words to live by. I lost my husband to cancer just over a year ago now, am trying to create a new life for myself and finding it so hard.
We did everything together, so being alone is definitely not an easy thing. We had been happily married for 39 years. Now trying to put myself in situations, where I have to be social is a scary thing, as my husband was the social butterfly, who was able to speak with anyone.
Now I find I have a voice, but I also have a lot of things going on in my head from years ago, that make me question myself over and over again, if I am doing the right thing, and why do I feel guilty when I shouldn’t, but it’s like this hamster wheel. I am having a difficult time stopping my thought process of negativity. It’s like going back to being a teenager, and thinking, am I good enough.
But reading your article, was truly inspiring for me and I hope to get back to some semblance of “normal” soon. I shall print a copy of The Peace within You, and read it over and over again, when I am feeling low and like I am doing something wrong. I know there is peace within me, I just have to be strong enough to draw it out and realize I am still worthy. God bless you both.
Lorraine says
There is so much pain. It is true that we never know what one person lives with. Thank you Marc and Angel for your articles and for uniting us through e-mail.
Payel Dutta says
Love this article. Thank u so much Marc and Angel.
Paula says
I was having trouble saying goodbye to a relationship that I know wasn’t for me (because I had worked so hard to find a man with so many great traits… )And I was able be open.
As I kept thinking about our conversations I was the one expressing my feelings …. He was not!
When he didn’t find out how I felt when I told him I was very sick and still hasn’t …. Not good! I was sick a week!
Yet he will send me poems that are very full of emotion ( written years ago) and stories when I least expect it!
Your article helped me very much and this time it had been hard to let go because of the time I invested in finding out the good things.
I worked very very hard! But that’s ok because I still like him… We can be friends and I can move on. ( I think I was just a friend to him)
He also needs attention from many women and that isn’t what I want.
The poems and short stories were what made him so different . I liked that but can go to the library!
Thx
Susan S. says
Hello, I’ve enjoyed your posts very much but am stuck on one big problem, hope you can help! My mother in law passed 10 days ago. She was a narcissistic person who raised three children the same way, one being my husband. Over the years she put down my family ands what’s the most infuriating thing of all and dangerous also is that she has talked to my 33 year old son about me. At one point I asked her if she and my son talked behind my back- she haltingly admitted she has. My son has drifted away from me and I’m devestated! All three of her children are very unhappy and angry ( the fathers contribution to the mess.) I’m not a bad person and am extremely worried about his and my present situation . We used to be close until this woman, whose youngest son called her evil, started and continued to denegrate me so badly. Do you have any suggestions, any insight would be very much appreciated! BTW, my husband was in on all of this but has been afraid to speak to his Mom, and now she’s physically dead. Thank you!
D says
Wonderful post. Am trying to let go of a small business that has meant everything to me, but through many years now represents angst, stress, loss of personal time with family and friends, marital strain. To close would be so public and viewed as a failure, when in reality, I just want something different for myself and my future. Having a dream that is visible to all in the form of a brand, a business name and social media, and close off that chapter is incredibly painful and tearing me apart. This post was very moving and will hopefully give me some new strategies in how I approach this next chapter.
Faith says
I find that holding on is easier than letting go. I have a lot to let go off and having been diagnoses with PTSD makes it a bit harder than it is for the average person. I grew up without much family attention. I was alone a lot and used my intelligence to my advantage. I then got married at 22 wish was a mistake and I hate mistakes. I was always chastised for every one of them. My marriage lasted 12 years and left me in pieces. 5 years later and I’m working on letting go so I can grow. I try to think of myself like a flower seeking the warmth of the sun and using the rain to regrow my bloom. If anything through my experiences, I have learned patience.
Megan says
You guys really hit the proverbial nail with this!
I can claim guilty to many of these points.
True, there is trauma, abuse and lonliness recent and past in my life, but you’ve made me realise it’s long time to turn over a new leaf and leave feeling the victim behind.
Thanks again xx
Julius Gikunda (mini). says
marc and angel, it seems as if you’ve met me before and maybe i told you about myself! You are like prophets. Thanks.
A terrible man says
Hi guys, have been reading your posts like for ever now. Just wanted to share something today. I was in a relationship for over 5 years with a girl who I kind of protected and cared for like anything. Being in an Indian society, marriages are not that easy, esp cross community thing. I absolutely hate India for this. So yes we used to have some stressful times. Meanwhile in 4th year of my relationship I kinda got close to a friend, a new person in my life. She wasn’t seeing anyone and we got close. The guilt used to eat me up. I shared whatever I could with my girlfriend and obviously she was taken aback . so tried to slowly go away from this friend inspire of her inclination and desire to be with me. One day my girlfriend just disappeared, blocking Me on social media, and IM apps etc. Felt bad but moved on. It has been 1 year post that and I am with the new person and about to get married also. But from time to time I feel terrible for being a bad person I was. I am unable to let it go. Yesterday I had this beautiful dream where my ex was talking to me happily and kinda moving in herself and forgiving me. It felt heavenly. I felt relieved. Is it wrong to have desires to check if she is alright? I know I should move on but its like there is an unfinished business kinda feeling. I just wanna pay for bad things that I have done so that I can get over all the guilt and the feeling of being an extremely bad, selfish person! Suggest ! God bless you guys always !
KJ says
What are you holding on to that’s holding you back? Hope. It holds me back. I keep hoping it….our relationship, he….will change. I hope that he will go back to the man I loved.
In what ways do you need to let go? I need to admit the only way it will change is when I find the courage to make the changes that are best for me.
What worries you about this? Letting go means change. Change means hard, and scary, loss of familiarity and comfort. The worst part of letting go is knowing I’ll lose my best friend. In all actuality, I already have lost him.