This past December a busy attorney named Valentina and her 10-year-old son, Marco, moved into their new home in New England. The winter season was already in full effect, and a massive snowstorm swept through the area the morning after they moved, closing all the schools.
Although young students like Marco suddenly had the day off from school, Valentina still needed to visit her office for a couple hours to finish up some important paperwork with a new client. So, despite the snowstorm, Valentina drove to work, leaving Marco in their nearly snowed-in home to write a short essay that was assigned by his teacher to make up for the missed school day.
Shortly after Valentina arrived at her office she received a text message from Marco that read: “Windows completely frozen. Will not open.”
Valentina squinted at her phone in confusion, because she couldn’t fathom why Marco wanted to open any of the windows. But she was really busy and about to head into a business meeting with her client, so she didn’t have time to sort out the details. She quickly texted Marco a simple fix she had learned as a young girl growing up in the mountains: “Warm up a cup of water in the microwave, pour it evenly over the edges, then lightly tap the edges with a mallet.”
Valentina then hurried into her business meeting. While she was working with her client she felt her phone vibrate a few times from new text messages, and when the meeting was over an hour later, she read the text messages.
The first text from Marco read, “What? Are you sure that works?”
Then, “Please hurry up! I have to turn in my essay soon!”
Finally, “The laptop is dead!”
Confused by the messages, Valentina called Marco. He picked up, irritated and distraught.
“First… what’s wrong with the laptop?” Valentina asked.
“I don’t know,” Marco replied. “I poured warm water over all of its edges and tapped them with a mallet, just like you told me to. But now it won’t even turn on,”
Valentina suddenly realized her 10-year-old son’s initial text message was not about the windows of their new home… rather, he had texted her about the Windows operating system that runs his laptop computer! Marco’s laptop was simply frozen… but now, thanks to a cup of warm water and the light tapping of a mallet, it was indeed dead!
REMEMBER:
In life, in business, and in our relationships, the biggest mistakes can arise from the smallest misunderstandings. We can avoid these misunderstandings with a simple approach: slow down, listen to others, and clarify what they mean. Yes, it will take a few more moments of your time. But it will also save you from painful headaches and heartache later on! (Angel and I build “better communication” habits with our students in the “Love and Relationships” module of Getting Back to Happy.)
Mantras to Stop Misunderstandings
Truth be told, much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left miscommunicated.
We know this.
We know misunderstandings tear us apart.
We know healthier communication leads to healthier relationships.
And yet we forget.
We forget to make time for each other.
We forget to be present.
We forget to really listen.
Day after day, we collectively misunderstand each other into hundreds of unnecessary headaches and heartbreaking mistakes.
And, like you, I’m only human – I still miscommunicate and misunderstand people, especially when I’m in a hurry. So I’ve implemented a simple strategy to support the practice of paying better attention to the people in my life. In a nutshell, I proactively remind myself of the truths I already know but often forget. Anytime I catch myself avoiding a conversation I know I need to have with someone, I pause and read the following mantras to myself (I have them stored in the Notes on my iPhone). Then I tune in to this person with full presence…
- The single greatest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
- Too often we don’t listen to understand – we listen to reply. Don’t do this. Focus. Be curious. When we listen with genuine curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply – we listen for what’s truly behind the words.
- When you hear only what you want to hear, you’re not really listening. Listen to what you don’t want to hear too. That’s how we grow stronger, together.
- You never know what someone has been through today. So don’t be lazy and make empty judgments about them or their situation. Be kind. Be teachable. Be a good friend. Be a good neighbor. Be a good listener.
- Sometimes all a person needs is an empathetic ear – they just need to know someone else hears them. Simply offering a listening ear and a kind heart for their suffering can be incredibly healing. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
- Do not make assumptions unless you undoubtedly know the whole story. If in doubt, ask the person directly until you have clarity.
- When you take the time to actually listen, with humility, to what people have to say, it’s amazing what you can learn. Especially if the people who are doing the talking also happen to be the people you love.
Your turn…
Honestly, if Angel and I had a dollar for every time we’ve heard about an unfortunate life situation directly caused by a combination of excessive busyness and poor communication, we would be able to send everyone we know an inscribed gold plaque of Valentina and Marco’s story as a wake-up call.
Let it be YOUR wake-up call!
Please leave a comment below to let us know:
What’s one small misunderstanding that turned into a big mistake in your life, or in the life of someone you know? How might slowing down, listening more closely, and clarifying things have changed this scenario’s outcome?
Anything else to share?
We would love to hear from YOU. 🙂
Also, if you haven’t done so already, be sure to sign-up for our free newsletter to receive new articles like this in your inbox each week.
Paula says
M&A, wow! You dropped this post’s link in my inbox at the perfect time. I’m presently working through your course and gradually rediscovering my way after a very stressful, year-long divorce. It’s interesting how we rely so heavily on others for our comfort, even when the communication and interaction with them is incredibly toxic.
As it relates to this post, I know the busyness of our careers, and the subtle bitterness between my ex and I, gradually eroded our communication until the entire house of cards we had built together came tumbling down on our heads. Every single day one misunderstanding led us to the next until we literally didn’t know each other anymore. Perhaps we never should have been married in the first place, and that’s fine, but we certainly could have spoken to each other and worked things out in a more civil way. I’m aware, now, that I was at fault too. It takes two to communicate, or not to.
Marc Chernoff says
Well stated, Paula. And cheers to your progress. 🙂
Jason says
Excellent thoughts here! I truly appreciate your articles and emails. It’s interesting too… I just read Paula’s comment above and I can relate in so many ways. Although my wife and I are happily married today, there was a time when continuous misunderstandings and miscommunication as you’ve described nearly tore us apart. Getting back on common ground required us to make undistracted time for each other every single day. We saw a therapist, then we did coaching with Marc and Angel, and gradually worked through the tools we were given. Commitment to bettering ourselves and our relationship was the key. It was easier for us to turn the other way, but we didn’t. And sitting here not I can honestly nod my head in agreement to the seven points in this article and be thankful we took the time to right our wrongs, together.
Marc Chernoff says
Jason, the turnaround you and your wife have made is a testament to the work you put into your relationship. And it’s inspiring to say the least. 🙂
Helen says
I just wanted to drop a quick line and say thanks! I read your weekly posts, and even read excerpts from your 1000 Things book as positive morning reflections, but I’ve never left a comment to say thanks. So THANKS and keep being a source of hope and guidance to others. My attitude, relationships, and life in general have benefitted greatly.
Marc Chernoff says
Thank you for the kindness, and THANK YOU for supporting our work.
Akanksha says
I think the biggest (yet small) miscommunication I see most often is making assumptions! Thanks for this post.
C says
I’m being bullied at the dog park. We have a dog park with fenced areas for big dogs and little dogs. My little dog is being bullied by a smaller dog and we have to leave. I tried the big dog park but almost got knocked down from a group of dogs running after a ball. I have mental illness and chronic pain, osteoporosis, so I cannot fall down cause my bones will break. I have unexplained chronic pain and
anxiety . I just don’t know what to do?
George B. says
For a dog park community to work harmoniously, all owners must be willing to (firmly but kindly) discipline their dogs, and in absence of that it definitely makes it a difficult situation. An alternative is seek out other responsible dog owners and have doggie play dates, or if you have a “doggie day care” near you check your dog in once or twice a week for a fun supervised day (but is an expense I realize). Please research natural cures for osteoporosis and chronic fatigue, the right kind of diet and movement can work wonders and you can absolutely greatly improve your situation. Also, hope you are reaching out to resources to help with your mental health, I know from experience going it alone is not the solution. All the best to you!
Ann C says
Perhaps you could find another time to take your dog to the doggie park. It’s natural for little dogs to be aggressive, I have found they even are aggressive toward my lab.
I’m sorry about your health issues. I hope you will take George B’s advice and look for support groups. They will help with the feeling that you are alone in this.
Stephanie says
And then let’s add to the “frozen window” example, the notion that “men are from mars and women are from Venus”! Time and time again, I (or my husband) misinterpret everyday conversation between the two of us. So when things get heated, misinterpretation does too. We’ve been married 22 years and we continue to work on this!
Marc Chernoff says
Excellent point!
Chris says
thanx for this post, i recently had a misunderstanding with my mom over my choice of career (music). i’m this kind of person who’ll not accept any negative comments get to me but then mom wants me to get a day job instead of relying on music income.. she is a business lady and i’m an entertainer, but she wants me to pursue business instead of music. honestly i’m confused coz even though i earn little from music, i feel happiest doing that. what should i do coz i respect mom?
Ann C says
Moms want the best for their kids, even when they are adults. If you aren’t asking for her help paying your bills and are living independently perhaps you can listen to her, and tell her you hear her concern but as along as you can support yourself doing what you love, then you hope she can be happy for you. If you love your work then you don’t always need money to be successful. Happiness is enough reward.
Nancy says
My parents did not respect or understand my artistic talent and the fact that I wanted to follow what I have believed and known about myself since I was old enough to draw a conscious breath.
At age 18 I wanted to go to college and major in art and minor in drama. They were against it. So I became a barber. Then I got married. Twice. All along I got further and further from myself, losing my authenticity and plowing myself under for everyone else’s sake.
Three kids and two divorces later, I found myself having to support the kids, so needed a job that would pay me enough for that. Now at age 59 I am in a job I can’t stand, and am looking at ways I can finally get free and be myself. To make a living at my art would be a dream come true, and I will make it so.
So the moral of the story is: be true to yourself. Your mother, just as my parents, wants a safe and secure future for you. But it’s your life, and mistakes will be made along the way. That’s the nature of the process. Some business training is good for some aspects of being an artist or musician, but the goal would be to support your dream of being a musician, and not take the place of it. Be open, be kind, be understanding, but be true to yourself.
Jo says
Thank you so much for this, and thanks for every timely reminder you send. My partner left me last week, angry that I was taking “too long” to recover from a series of depressions that are probably the result of 2 years of the unexpected happening and years before that of ‘faulty programming’. This seems to have lead to my not being heard but I see that I wasn’t listening either.
Becca says
A friend is going through a tough time at home and at work. She might call today. While we have never met or talked on the phone, I’ll remember to listen and hear. Thanks guys!
Gai Nguyen says
You’re so keen to realize that some people, or most people, or indeed, all people don’t listen, though they hear. Ah, what a pity. We know this, so we have to teach them how to listen!
Ellen says
Just had this experience. A misunderstanding which someone called to my attention at an inopportune tine and before you knew it we had to retreat from each other. In retrospect, neither of us listened. Both of us more interested in being right. It doesn’t have to be something that’s built up, it can come unexpectedly. Personal perspective on misunderstandings are hard to not to hold on to. I write a note of apology, my friend wrote back. We are going quiet for the week. I hope we are ok at the end of all this. Human skin is tough to behave in!
Anne Marie says
Thanks this was a brilliant article to read this morning.
Faith says
Hi this came at the perfect time, as I often find myself listening to answer.
Glenna C. Standley says
“When someone wins an argument, the relationship always loses…”
I don’t know who actually coined that phrase, but I LOVE it! It is my mantra for relationships…
The one thing that has always worked for me in the past when I have experienced rocky roads in terms of the relationships in my life is to write 10 things that i love about the other individual. Some times I haven’t read it back to them… but most often, I do. Not only does this remind me why I invest the time in fostering a bond with them, it also reinforces their behaviors that I appreciate- the ones that makes me love them. Positive feedback always seems to really work well.
This turns out to be a win- win situation…
For everyone!
J says
Thank-you. At the right time.
Drew says
This article is a wake up call for all. I’ve been thinking a fair amount over the last year about how texting has replaced just picking up the phone for a few minute conversation to discuss a plan, comment, problem, or idea. Unfortunately, this act has lead to confusion, misunderstanding, heartache, and bigger problems. So please, can we just use the phone a little more?
Ann C says
I have been thinking about this, also. However, it kris the other way too. When my adult daughter and I iChat I have the time to type, read again and change how I put things knowing that she will read it, not hear my inflection or see my expression. It has saved many an argument by my hitting the delete button and thinking thru what I am going to type. I can’t delete words once spoken.
Farzin says
Text chatting has caused me numerous miscommunication troubles. Inflections, tones and gestures are of utmost importance!
Texting is just too constricted and abbreviated especially for any substantial discussion. ..
Marlene says
Hi Marc & Angel, I agree completely that the biggest problem between humans and (also humans and animals, especially our loving pets) is either a lack of or poor communication!!
And Marc & Angel, you two really do a great service to society!!
Thank you,
Marlene
Riddhi says
Thank you, amazing Marc and Angel. I read your emails regularly and they are really great. I live far away in India, but your thoughts and new ideas inspire me everyday. Love you both. Keep writing.
Sindy says
Hi M&A,
This article is so true. Open and honest communication has and always is the key to any successful relationship which is why I have always been a proponent of transparency in all things. After all, as the saying goes there are always three sides to any story..yours, mine and the truth. Unfortunately I know we live in a world that is not always fair and this is not always an option but we do the best we can for as long as we can. As individuals, our viewpoint or opinion of situations is shaped by our experience and especially our view of past arguments. Somewhere along the way, it usually skews in our favor.
However, in my experience, openness to another’s viewpoint, a willingness to see the other persons side, trying not to jump to conclusions or make assumptions about another’s motives and most importantly the ability to forgive and move on – these are all super important to any kind of relationship. I myself am always willing and ready for open discussion, even if it means that I am wrong, this does not scare me. The solution to any big relationship might be a lot easier and simpler than you ever thought was possible!
Lisa says
I have made my fair share of incorrect assumptions, probably more than my fair share. Alas, I’m struggling now with many people, who I hoped to form close relationships with, and their assumptions about me since I am the picture of health on the outside but have been diagnosed with a degenerative neurological disease that is similar to ALS, without the muscle wasting and fatality. It affects me more than all my herniated discs combined- I apparently thought I was invincible as an athlete years ago… And I now have another herniated disc from my car getting totaled by a truck running a red light. I don’t have any negative feelings about people not asking me about my health, because the entire situation makes my own mind barely able to wrap around it. I am not shy about, well, any part of me, myself and I. At the same time, I have so many assumptions made about me, judgements too, and it’s separating me from others, since my insides don’t match my outsides, and I am in the daunting “rare disease” category. I’ve lost fine motor skills, my balance and many more things we all take for granted. I’m open, and when someone asks, I tell them as much as they want to learn, but the close relationships are not forming as I’d hoped, despite overcoming a lot of symptoms just to get the chance to form relationships with people. I’m not sure when or how my disease will change but it is ultimately going to deteriorate. I’m considering a largesign around my neck, a disclaimer, so I am able to get past the assumptions based upon what people assume they are seeing, and get down to the bilateral building of friendships and relationships with members of the community who assume negative things that are too far from the truth… If anyone has any suggestions for me, my eyes and ears are still working! I love myself, always have, and accept my challenges as they come. I’m constantly challenging my symptoms so I never just shrink under the rock with my name on it, haven’t found it yet, haha. I have a sensitive, empathetic and fecitious (in a good way) sense of humor and outlook on my future, but the misconceptions and assumptions about me are leading to feelings that aren’t great. I’m hoping that someone, anyone, has ideas to help me break the barriers others attempt to impose upon my life without the full scope of my reality, which leads to unfortunate interpretations of symptoms, like I must be “just a dumb blonde” or “must be a drug-addicted idiot” so I can form mutually-supportive friendships within the community I am in. Any discussion of my life, usually a result of a grave misjudgement, doesn’t seem to impact the way I am perceived, since the assumptions have already been written into the people’s minds. I am grateful for your articles, experiences, time and dedication to these emails I love receiving, so thank you for being a source of knowledge, hope and constant positive energy in my life!
Love,
Lisa O.
Patti Lacey says
I really can identify with your situation. I am thinking of doing a video about how to help others in this respect. When working on improvement we need others to realize there is a difference between strong and tough and how to reduce the affects when others make fun of, bully and taunt, etc.
Andrea says
This post is so true, misundertandings and miscommunications is the cause of a lot of relationships falling apart. One example are my parents, they had been together for a lot of years, and because of miscommunications they are getting divorce. For years, they didn’t communicate their feelings and needs, always fighting, each one of them believing they had the reason. Now, nothing can be done, because neither of them want to do something, to cooperate. That’s a Huge example of this posts, and the big mistakes that can be done when you don’t listen neither talk properly to the others, aun example that I won’t follow. Thanks for your words.
John P. says
People make horrible assumptions. I thought my wife was having an affair without detailed explanation, and so did others. I thought I would listen to others and was not listening to her. I learned she was suffering from depression. It was a devastating outcome that I could not fix. Harsh words were said. We separated and are going through the process of divorce. I wish I could stop this process.
SarahloveshermanbradleyM says
I love you Angel And Marc I’ve been following you both for years now. Absolutely adore what you both have to say. Thank you for contributing to the world greatly 🙂 it’s so beautiful thank you for the advice the help the guidance and support as other living beings. God bless you both and your loved ones xoxoxo
Chiz says
Great piece as always. Listening is great and difficult. Sometimes, we listen and try to propose some solutions but I’ve realised that some people want you just to listen with empathy, they don’t really expect hearing any solutions. It’s difficult sometimes for a listener but I’m learning to do that as it could heal.
Shella says
I see laziness and apathy as culprits between people – even loved one’s – making good communications. As a pretty good listener myself, I find lots of people and even family members tend to take advantage of me by having one-sided conversations about their problems/interests/ambitions/political views etc. with nary a kind ear or care as to my thoughts in return. I feel like people tend to “talk at me.” I’ll be that person to “listen” when I sense someone is in need and offer encouragement or whatever they are seeking, but I no longer make myself available for every person that passes through my life who wants to share about their recent (or not) vacation/friendship experience/potty training story/etc. because doing so for years left me feeling incredibly “used up.”
Eedris Adewale says
Indeed, hearing is different from listening as written in the article. listening involves attending to people with the intent of understanding while hearing involves intent of replying without knowing the reason behind such statement. God’s help is sought in all situations
Amoit Rhinelda says
I’m grateful to Marc and Angel for the email communications that counsel and shape me positively. In the late months of 2016 i had a small family misunderstanding that almost turned into a big marriage problem. My daughter called from school to remind me of their visitation day. unfortunately i was in the fields doing garden work and i had left my mobile phone on charge in the house. Seeing no response she decided to call the dad who works far away from home.
That weekend my husband came back home very rude and ready to quarrel. It took the effort of the church and parents to save our marriage from breaking.
So Marc and Angel’s communications will continue being of great help in my life.
Once again i say thank you.
Alex Wajsfgelenr says
Such a timely piece for me. A major problem in a relationship with a girl that only dreamed I would meet is my not remaindering when or how to listen. The seven are now posted on my fridge to read everyday and learn. Thank you (and to Stephanie who forwarded me this article).